AN: I wrote this story back in 4/22 but am reposting it from an alt account.
She said it in a simple way, the early morning, the second day, how strange it was to Angela that even though she didn't know Deborah very well at all, saying goodbye to her felt like saying goodbye to a lifelong friend.
"I'll be headed back home soon." The model's tone was nonchalant, as if she were merely commenting on the weather.
"I know." Angela wasn't sure what else she was supposed to say. Deborah was going home, which meant she was going very far away from Angela. But Angela hardly knew her, so why did it matter? Why did she suddenly have no idea what to say, or even to feel?
Deborah reached out, gently cupping Angela's face in her hands. She kissed the doctor on the lips. It was a small, light, quick kiss, over far too soon in Angela's opinion, but it answered her previous question. That kiss was why this goodbye felt so long, even though the kiss was so short. Maybe they didn't know one another very well, but Deborah moved fast. And Angela? Well…
"All right, Jekyll, I have to go." Even though Deborah used Angela's last name, the smile on her face made it clear she was doing it out of affection rather than formality. Before Angela could even blink, Deborah was moving away from her. Fast. Too fast. She took Angela's breath with her, but Angela, herself, stayed right where Deborah left her: just about to fall.
The doctor could only stare after the model as she expertly weaved through a sea of baggage and people. Then, suddenly, she was gone. Deborah moved fast. Too fast. And Angela? Well… I told myself, "Don't get attached!" But her heart didn't always listen to her head.
Angela was still right where Deborah left her, but in her mind, she was sprinting after the model as fast as she could. She was running down the runway, chasing after the plane that took Deborah so very far away from her. She could hear herself shouting, crying out.
"Wait! Don't leave me just yet! You forgot something! There's one last piece of luggage! A small carry-on… You forgot…" And that was when the feeling sank in, Angela didn't want to miss Deborah like this. Come back, be here!
By the time her thoughts returned to her, coming back defeated from the runway, Angela was only half aware as her feet dragged her body to her car, farther and farther away from the woman who was getting farther and farther away from her. Angela was stuck in California today, and she didn't want to need Deborah this way. This wasn't supposed to be how things turned out, how their… friendship? turned out. Angela wasn't supposed to miss her so much, was she? Love wasn't supposed to hurt so badly, was it? Wait… Love?
Angela's mind played it back, thoughts and memories spinning faster than any plane. First was her delicate beginning with Deborah, once enemies and then friends, each woman careful as she slowly revealed more and more of herself to the other. There was distrust and danger on both sides, each woman wary of the other. And yet still, they stepped closer and closer. It was an awkward little dance of attraction and repulsion.
Angela couldn't even remember which of them was the first to fall, the first to bend, bow, and break. She just knew that after the delicate beginning there came the euphoric rush, and then… falling felt like flying until the bone-crush.
And it's funny how one can know so much without knowing anything at all…
Even though Angela mulled over these thoughts again and again and again, she still felt… lost, empty… It was like she wasn't even sure what she was seeking anymore, except… Deborah… She hadn't even been gone all that long and Angela already missed her, missed the feeling of her. Oh, what she wouldn't have done for one last hug!... Only, this time, she never wanted Deborah to let her go ever again…
And now that Angela couldn't put her feelings down, couldn't get Deborah out of her head, she couldn't help but regret it all.
If I had known what I know now, I never would have played so nonchalant.
She played back their final farewell, so much she wished she could've said, but instead, she said nothing at all.
"I'll be headed back home, soon," Deborah said nonchalantly.
"I know," Angela said, equally nonchalant.
Why did she do that? Had she chosen safety over danger? Was she too scared to even dare show anything else? And Deborah, what was her nonchalance? Part of why Angela fell for her was because she felt so easy and breezy, so light and airy and above it all. But was that really true, given that Angela knew her own nonchalance was merely a façade? And what did Deborah think of her nonchalance? Did Deborah know that Angela was just so overwhelmed by her that nonchalance felt like the only thing she had?
Why was Angela asking all these questions, and why now? Why did her mind play everything back like this, and why now?
These taxi cabs and busy streets will never bring you back to me… Not now you've gone across the sea!
Angela's mind was on the runway again, she was sprinting down the landing strip reaching out towards the plane and crying out.
"I can't help but wish you took me with you!" It's me, Deborah! I'm the one you forgot! The one you left behind! But please… don't go, stay…
On the drive home, that was when the feeling sank in, even though the airport was now to her back.
"Deborah, I don't wanna miss you like this," Angela pleaded with her rearview mirror.
I guess you're in London today, but I don't wanna need you this way! Come back, be here!
It was falling in love in the cruelest way, to only realize how much she wanted and needed Deborah around after she was long gone. Even worse, though, she was "far gone". Angela was falling for Deborah when Deborah was all the way across the pond.
In Cali, be here! Angela had no one to talk to, but her mind played back the conversation she wished she could've started back when she still had the chance. But now? You're in London…
Once Angela was finally back in her own home (although it didn't really feel like home right now, or, at the very least, it was not where her heart was) she broke down crying. "It's not fair that you're not around!" Through her tears, the doctor couldn't help but laugh darkly at herself.
"It's not fair…"
She was sure she sounded exactly like Deborah right now.
"… that you're not around!"
Did she sound like Deborah right now? Did Deborah miss her too? Or was she already happy, back home in London, just as nonchalant as always?
And then the feeling sank in, Angela didn't want to miss Deborah like this. As selfish and cruel as it may have sounded, she didn't want to think that Deborah had already forgotten about her when Angela couldn't get the model out of her head. It was falling in love in the cruelest way, to see Deborah's face over and over again as her mind played it back, but with no idea if Deborah ever even thought about, or missed, her at all.
But I don't just want you in my head, so come back, be here! I'm stuck in Cali today, and I don't wanna need you this way! Come back, be here!
But Deborah wasn't coming back, so all Angela could do was cry herself to sleep and dream of the woman she would only see in memory and imagination. A tired, endless refrain lull her into a long, lonely slumber. Come back… please… be near…