A/N: Thank you for the feedback, follows, and favorites. I hope you enjoy this next installment.
*-*Donna*-*
August 31, 1997 - Present Day
After her appointment yesterday, Donna had made it to her shift on time, but she didn't make it through it. She was a mess. The orders were wrong, she dropped a tray, and spilled a drink on a patron. She got so lost in thought while talking to a particularly difficult customer that she turned and walked away before the overbearing broad even picked an entrée. After the third complaint, her boss sent her home and Donna was pretty sure she wasn't welcome back.
As worried as she had been before, at this point she didn't care. Every day since he left, her mind had wrestled with the thought that picking the theater over going with Harvey would end up being the worst mistake of her life. The bed had been made, however, and she had been doing her best to enjoy lying in it by focusing on landing her next play. Now, she was faced with the reality that choosing her passion and lifelong dream might have all been for naught.
When she stepped out from behind the curtains, she felt alive. There was the initial rush of stage fright, not wanting to lose her words or miss a cue, not wanting to bore the audience or otherwise embarrass herself, but that would fade. The moment she started reciting her lines, every face in the crowd ceased to exist. It was like she was catapulted into the world the story was unfurling.
Her love of the arts hatched early on and only grew when the stability in her childhood shifted. There were always signs of it looming, even before her dad announced they had to move. Catching her mom attempting to wipe away the tears, hearing the shouting matches her dad would get into over the phone, or the times they had to pretend not to be home when a creditor would come calling or knocking, it all added up. It devastated her when he finally revealed that they had to leave New York, but it didn't surprise her.
For months leading up to his financial collapse, she had been pouring all her energy into practicing the piano more, or singing, dancing, tongue twisters in front of the mirror even. Anything that would prepare her for her future and distract her from her present, she dedicated herself to. Every chance she got, she checked out from the library a new novel or a play by Tennessee Williams, and of course Shakespeare too. It was an outlet for her mind, an escape. The world of acting also taught her how to hide her emotions, and her true reactions.
Donna was a person used to putting others first. As a result, she learned to bury her feelings. The willingness to put her needs second wasn't something she expected in return from anyone else. To prevent them from internalizing any kind of guilt or ignoring their own desires, she let go of hers. When she was a kid, a lot of the choice in it wasn't available to her anyway, but she still always tried to protect her parents from seeing the pain their decisions caused her. Acting made her good at it, or maybe her sacrifices made her good at acting.
She hadn't even done much of it at that point in life, outside of a couple middle school productions, but she knew it was her calling. The stage was her first true love.
She still loved it to this day, even if the theater was far from paying the bills for her. The last role she had landed was the type she could build on. She hadn't made it to Broadway yet, but she had received her first review that made it into the papers. Even if it wasn't the New York Times, things were looking up.
After Harvey left, things had stagnated for her. She had tried to double-down on work and getting cast more specifically. The buzz from her last role, and from the article about it, got her a few more calls and into a few more auditions, but they never went well. She spent so much of her waking hours trying to numb herself to what she was feeling that when it came time to display emotions, even fake ones ascribed to a character, she either overcompensated or underwhelmed. Even the stage couldn't provide an escape from heartbreak.
She ached for him in a way that made nothing make sense. Belief in herself and her abilities was something she had in spades, but her self-worth had plummeted. She felt rejected. He walked away from the idea of a long-distance relationship so easily. Feeling alone was her default setting now, but she was terrified of the moments in which it was literal. The shower, her bed, the commute to work, working out, doing chores, running errands…they weren't safe havens or distractions. They were hotbeds for intrusive thoughts about him, what-ifs, regrets, and that was all before the clinic visit changed everything.
She couldn't believe this happened. They were always careful. In the beginning, they used condoms religiously. As their relationship progressed, they switched to relying on just birth control pills, but she was diligent about taking one every morning.
He didn't see himself as dad material, and while she could, it was a topic she had no intention of raising for a very long time. Not just for him and whatever growth he may need to be more open to the subject, if that day even came, but very much for herself. She could picture being a mom, and kind of always assumed she someday would be. That someday was very distant, however, and having kids wasn't something she thought about very often. Becoming an actress was what she was focused on, and it was always the intended first step in her adventure.
The blood test had revealed that she was about six weeks along. Six weeks ago was her birthday and the one time she missed taking the pill. Rarely did she sleep in, but she refused to pick up a shift on her 21st and wasn't cast in any shows at the time. She didn't realize until the following morning that waking up late threw her off her routine and caused a slip-up.
Harvey had made her birthday one of her favorite days to date and while he had botched the gift giving part of it, he unwittingly managed to leave her with another. It was a memory that she could not handle entertaining any longer. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to will it away.
There were so many decisions she still had to make, but there were two things she knew for certain. One, she was having this baby. Knowing that it was Harvey's, her mind didn't go down any other paths. With anyone else, she wasn't sure what options she would consider, but with him, she didn't have to. The second thing she was sure of was that she would never let her child suffer the instability that she did. She refused to allow her kid to experience the struggles she went through from her dad's lousy business dealings.
That led to her biggest questions, whether acting was something she could still pursue while raising a child in a consistent environment and where Harvey would fit into it all. She was having a hell of a time coming up with answers, so she kept just kicking the can down the road.
September 25,1997 – Present Day
Donna was slumped over in her chair in the kitchen, staring off into space. She was supposed to be eating the dinner she prepared, but a wave of nausea hit her at just the wrong time.
After losing the diner gig, her days were a little less full and her wallet was getting increasingly empty. Something had to change soon, she couldn't keep putting off making a plan. Typically, it wasn't something that she did delay. She liked details and organization and could see the bigger picture. No one could prioritize like she could, when she wasn't so lost.
The sound of one of her roommates returning home did little to interrupt Donna's thoughts until Stephanie Liston entered the kitchen and started talking.
"I was going to remind you that we have to make a decision about extending the lease soon, since it ends on the 15th of next month, but damn, girl. You look like you need a drink more than anything," she said after taking in Donna's demeanor and scanning the kitchen to see if they had any bottles of wine left.
"And you would be right, but as fabulous as that sounds, I can't freaking have one." Donna had her head in her hands and didn't bother to look up.
"Did you forget you're of drinking age now, or did you pick up an extra shift tonight?" she teased and inquired.
Stephanie admired how hard Donna worked, although it appeared to have slowed down lately. It was something they shared, the work ethic. They both had their ambitions, though Stephanie's path to hers was a little more straightforward. She wanted to follow in her father's footsteps to the Department of Justice and more specifically the US Attorney's Office. Her resume needed some sprucing up before she was ready to do so.
"It's definitely not that…" Donna stayed hunched over, but she lifted her head to engage more politely in conversation when her roommate turned friend took a seat. Donna folded her hands on the table in front of her.
"What's going on, Red? Both Peggy and I have noticed you haven't been yourself for a while now. And I don't just mean since things ended with He Who Must Not Be Named," Stephanie stated then reached across the table to give Donna's hand a comforting caress.
"Is that another reference to that kid's book your sister just brought back from the UK? The one that you are strangely obsessed with?" Donna gave her hand a squeeze in return before smiling, hoping it would help avoid the conversation she knew was coming.
"Donna, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is so much more than a kid's book. You mark my words, when it reaches shelves here in America, it's going to be bigger than Tickle Me Elmo. Shit, I probably shouldn't have used a toy to make my point, but you're deflecting anyway!"
Her face scrunched a little when she realized she was getting spun up about the book instead of getting to the bottom of her friend's recent struggles.
"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind. I'll take your word on Harry Plopper though."
Donna knew she couldn't put off the inevitable any longer and started to accept the idea that talking about things might help. Both Stephanie and Peggy obviously knew about the breakup and the hard time she was having, but she hadn't told either about the pregnancy. She was slightly surprised that her morning sickness and other increasing number of symptoms hadn't tipped them off yet. Stephanie was often at work or at her boyfriend's, and Peggy did volunteer a lot outside of her job.
"It's Potter, and what's on your mind? It is Harvey, right?" Stephanie asked, but it was more of an assumption.
Donna could only nod in response as she brought her hand to her mouth and choked back a sob. Today had been a hard one. While she liked to blame it on the hormones, the truth was that it was approaching a month since she found out, and she still was no closer to figuring out any of it. She didn't miss Harvey any less either, and it was all so debilitating.
"Donna, you're worrying me. Did Harvey do something to you?"
It shocked Donna that she would even entertain the idea. Peggy wasn't Harvey's biggest fan, mostly from the breakup and the rest from his brand of ego, but Stephanie seemed to like him more. She couldn't possibly think he would go there.
"Oh god no, Steph, he would never. I just... I haven't told anyone this yet. Not even Harvey, or my mom."
Stephanie nodded at Donna's denial. She supposed she did know that of Harvey. With a dad whose entire career involved jobs related to criminal justice, it was easy to remember how violent people could be. Relieved that it wasn't something of that nature, she was eager to hear what Donna had been keeping bottled up.
"You know you can tell me anything, no judgment," Stephanie encouraged.
"I'm pregnant," Donna blurted, deciding that ripping off the Band-Aid was the best approach. It felt even more real hearing herself say it out loud.
"Oh hon, I really don't know if I should say congratulations or I'm sorry. But the way you've been, it seems like maybe you're not sure yet either." Her look was sympathetic.
"I don't know what to do. I found out after things already ended with Harvey, and I am afraid to tell him. He doesn't want kids and he didn't want to be with me anymore, so telling him kind of feels like ruining his life. And that's just one part of it. I don't know what to do about my life either. All I've ever wanted was to be an actress, and it doesn't feel like I can do that and be a good mother. I don't want to fail my kid, but I also don't want to give up everything I've worked for… what I lost Harvey for."
Donna had been holding it all in so long that when she finally started talking, everything seemed to erupt out of her. It wasn't much in terms of length, but she felt like she had run a marathon when she finished getting it off her chest.
Stephanie handed Donna some tissue to finally address the steady stream of tears, then responded.
"I can't pretend to know how hard that all must be, and I definitely can't tell you want to do, but I can offer a piece of advice. Go home to your momma. If anyone can help during a time like this, it's gonna be her."
October 3,1997 – Present Day
The cabbie pulled into her parent's driveway, but she was so lost in thought that he coughed to catch her attention before finally barking out that they had made it. His disgruntled tone was enough to snap her into motion, but she was still operating on autopilot and was pretty sure she over-tipped him. Mixing up fives with twenties was a magnified mistake for someone as broke as her, but at least it went towards a ride that was completely silent after giving her destination. She wasn't in the mood for idle chatter.
At her age, she was a full-fledged adult. She still felt like a sixteen-year-old girl working up the nerve to tell her parents she was dropping out of school because she got knocked up by the motorcycle riding bad boy or the All-American quarterback, however. Harvey did have a mix of both in him even if he never owned a motorcycle and was more of a star baseball player.
Donna had a college diploma from an Ivy League school, with a world-renowned theater program at that. She shouldn't feel so ashamed. Most parents would brag to every available ear about their Yale graduate daughter, or even her last performance that made the Queens Chronicle. Yet, she still felt like an utter disappointment.
Her career path wasn't the type that came with a tried-and-true blueprint for success, at least not without years of hard work and sacrifice. She was well prepared for both, she just never expected that sacrifice to be love. Her time on Earth was short enough to still not fully understand how the world worked, but one thing she did tend to believe was that everything happened for a reason.
An idea was starting to seep into her brain that her instincts weren't far off on that belief. Maybe her love for Harvey was the type that was heightened by her youth and inexperience, and they were always supposed to go their separate ways. If he was her soulmate, the timing of law school wouldn't have been such a deciding factor.
When she was with him, it felt like she couldn't live without him, and the days since it ended hardly felt like living at all. She was willing to entertain any thought if it would help her move on, and she was starting to take baby steps. The progress wasn't so much with the intensity of her feelings for him, but with accepting that there may never be a them again. Regardless of what she would decide in terms of telling Harvey, she was adamantly against a baby being the only reason to get back together.
The cab ride was supposed to give her time to organize her thoughts and summon the courage to face her parents. Her mom would have gladly picked her up from the Greyhound station and saved her the cab fare. Lord knows she needed to penny pinch. The extra time she bought didn't even seem to help. She was still just as nervous and had only added more concerns to those already swirling through her mind.
She hesitated on the front steps of the modest house, suitcase in hand. Her dad had repaired his finances enough to move out of apartments a few years ago and chose to stay in the same area. Managing a real estate firm was more up his alley than making investment decisions, but she could tell that he wasn't satisfied by it. Her hope was that he wouldn't be lured back into the world of big risks because of the excitement or whatever his reasoning was.
The house wasn't elaborate. It was more of the cookie cutter type in a neighborhood with the kind of HOA that checked lawn height with rulers, but it had three bedrooms, a spacious basement, and a back porch to grill on. It was enough for her parents, and she crossed her fingers it would stay that way. She might need it to.
The crisp Autum air was eventually biting enough to force the knock she had been delaying. The doorbell felt too impersonal and while she had a key, she never told her mom she was coming and didn't wish to startle her.
"Just a minute," she heard her mom shout. It was approaching dinner time on a Friday, which meant her mom was likely in the kitchen preparing chicken cacciatore. She loved her mom's cooking, and while the baby seemed to be okay with tomatoes and red sauce, chicken was more of a gamble. Just the thought of it was making her queasy.
She assumed her dad was still at the office meaning she would have a little one on one time to tell her mother first. Her reaction was the one that worried Donna less and would help prepare her for the inevitably uncomfortable conversation to follow.
Clara still worked too, but she did so from home and had flexible hours. The pay wasn't enough to launch a ticker-tape parade to celebrate, but it had been enough to save up for a trip to Paris until Jim needed the money.
There were times in Donna's early childhood that her mother came close to quitting. Being a stay-at-home mother without balancing her work from home job was indeed her preference, and Jim made good enough money back then. As soon as his reliability started to faulter, it became clear to Clara that having a second income was critical for all those times it would shift to being the only one.
The door suddenly flew open, and her mom's arms were around her just as quickly.
"Donna! I was just thinking about you, honey. What a wonderful surprise!" she greeted with the joy she always felt when seeing her daughter.
"Hi, Mom, I've been thinking about you too." Her mom's embracing felt comforting, and she nuzzled into it a little extra before it ended.
"Come in, come in, sweetie. I am just finishing up dinner, why don't you join me in the kitchen after you put your stuff away," Clara responded while giving her daughter a once over.
"Sure, Mom. I have something I need to talk to you about though," Donna responded.
She brought her bags to the guest room at a bit of a snail's pace. So far, the powerful smells wafting from the kitchen weren't sending her straight to the toilet, but she still snuck a preemptory ginger chew from her purse just in case.
Donna took a seat at the bar style kitchen counter once she entered the room, while Clara stirred the sauce she was making. The younger Paulsen took a deep breath and steeled herself for the conversation.
"What did you want to talk about, darling? It must be important to make time in your busy schedule."
To anyone else, it could have sounded like her mom was throwing shade for her not visiting enough. Since Donna could decipher people's true thoughts, she knew her mom was just recognizing how hard she worked.
She was preparing to tell her mother the whole story with they both heard the sounds of Jim returning from work. The hinges on the front door were in need of some WD-40, but he had a loud way of entering anyway, kicking off his shoes and slamming down his briefcase.
Jim followed his nose to the kitchen and was surprised to find his youngest daughter there. "Donna, sweetheart, what are you doing here? Not that I am complaining."
"I am here to talk to you and mom about something." She wished she had the opportunity to have the trial one, but at least she would only have to manage her emotions through one conversation.
"Well don't keep us waiting, it must be important if you came all the way here." His comment did come off with a little more shade. Donna knew that he wanted the best for her, but for some reason he still didn't like the idea of her in NYC. Maybe because he was still struggling to make it to the big leagues.
"Mom, Dad, this is hard for me to say, so I am just going to come out with it. I am pregnant, about 11 weeks. I'm going to have a baby." She let it out then tried to watch them both for their reactions. Her mom was about to speak, but Jim cut her off.
"Is it Harvey's?" he demanded with a frown.
"Yes, it's Harvey's but- "
"Is this why he broke up with you? That no good piece of shit…" He slammed his fist on the counter. Jim was angry and was starting to spin himself up more.
"Dad, stop! Harvey doesn't even know about the baby." She couldn't stand the way her dad talked about him. Even though they had broken up, he had no right.
"Are you planning on telling him? I certainly don't blame you if you don't want a guy like him around your child." He wasn't sure that telling Harvey would even mean that the punk would be around, which Jim would be perfectly fine with. His little girl might not be, he could at least admit.
"Dad, I'm going to really need you to stop putting Harvey down every chance you get. We might not be together, but that doesn't mean I don't still care about him. A…and he's the father of my baby. Whatever that will mean for me and Harvey, you can't talk about him like that to me."
She stood up from her chair without thinking about it. Her subconscious must have wanted to display strength on behalf of Harvey. There was a finality to her tone that Jim chose to take as rude.
"Well, you know what young lady, when you're in my house under my roof, you're going to listen to what I say, how I say it. And what I am saying now is that I wish you would have protected yourself from pregnancy as diligently as you always protect him."
He was beet red. This wasn't the daughter that he had raised.
"Jim, that's enough! This is clearly a monumental time for our daughter, and she has a lot of decisions to make without having to deal with her father being a jerk on top of things." Clara finally cut in.
Jim was the kindest, most caring man she knew, but when he was stressed out or displeased lately, it wasn't showing anymore. Though she had stopped preparing dinner when Donna started talking, she still had the mixing spoon gripped tightly in her hand and pointed it towards Jim with her words. A glob of sauce flew off and landed on his shirt, but neither noticed with their emotions flaring up. She was angered by his reaction. Things had not been going well between them for a while now, especially with the uncharacteristic mood swings, but she still expected better of him for their daughter.
"Not this again, Clara. Please tell me how I am supposed to react when our 21-year-old daughter, who can barely afford the dinner on her plate every night, tells us she has another mouth to feed on the way and no husband or even boyfriend for support?" He glowered at her.
"With love, dear, that's how."
Donna was grateful for her mom's interjection, but she couldn't bear to stick around for the rest of the conversation. She bolted from the room before hearing the last of her parents' exchange. While she knew where her dad stood with Harvey, it was still too painful to hear him talk so down about him. His words were mostly reserved for her ex, but she also felt the disappointment aimed towards her. When she made the choice to return home, didn't have high hopes for how the initial talk would go. Still, she really needed their support and guidance. Her mom would come through, but she wished her dad could too.
Donna threw herself down on the bed in the guest room and hugged a pillow to her chest. She didn't cry in front of her dad, but she welcomed the release now. Her dad had never given Harvey a real chance. Even the first time he met him, it felt like Jim had already had his mind made up.
December 7, 1996
Harvey had rented a car for the weekend and driven them to her family home for Jim's birthday. It was also the first time Harvey would meet the man and he was nervous. He didn't "do" nervous, but he also didn't meet the parents. After he helped Donna out of the car, he closed the door behind her. Not releasing her hand, he tugged her back towards him before she could approach the house and admitted to his apprehension.
"Your dad is going to hate me."
"Why would you say that? You make me so happy, Harvey, and that's all a dad can ask for." She looked at him curiously, but was happy to reassure him.
"Most dads ask for a lot more than that. Like a man who can take care of his daughter, not someone working a dead-end job." He never really saw his job as a problem, just as a steppingstone or a detour en route to his goals. Jim, he was certain, wouldn't see it the same way.
"First of all, my dad knows he raised a very capable daughter, and second, you're saving up for law school and you're going to be an amazing lawyer. There's nothing dead-end about you."
She brought her hands to his tie to straighten it for him, then gave his shoulder a reassuring rub.
It was a new experience, her absolute belief in him, and it made his heart flutter. The only way he knew how to approach life was with the upmost confidence that he would win every situation that he was in, that he could get the better of anyone. Faith in himself was plentiful, but it wasn't something that he easily gave, nor accepted from others.
When he lost faith in someone, he didn't care about theirs in return. Most people he encountered in life gave him reason to. His mother was the first example, and the obvious one, but even his dad provided a weakened brand. He still struggled to admit it to himself, because he loved his dad, looked up to him even, and he did want to make him proud.
Gordon had missed a lot, however. Baseball games and boxing matches always stood out, but that also included school dances, academic awards, hard days, or times he just could use general fatherly advice. His word didn't always mean what Harvey wished it would. He couldn't bring himself to truly hold it against his father, believing him to be a great man, but it did teach him to self-motivate young. If his dad ever doubted him with something now, it wouldn't derail him, it would just encourage Harvey to prove him wrong.
With Donna, it wasn't the same. Her faith, it powered him. It was the one thing he never wanted to lose besides her. With anyone else, he could handle it. He was growing more used to it, but it still frightened him to think about how much she meant to him, and how many ways he could mess it all up. Meeting his girlfriend's father seemed like one of those ways, not that he knew from experience.
"Thank you," he responded just loud enough for her to hear before his instincts kicked in. "And you're right, before we know it, I'll have my name on the wall at Gordon Schmidt Van Dyke and I will be the stuff of legend." He stood up a little straighter.
"How do you manage to be so handsome and yet so humble," she teased and ran a hand down his torso. Tilting her head up, she kissed him sweetly before he responded.
"Hey, how far does being humble really take you?" He shrugged.
"Maybe not far in a court room, but give it a shot with my dad. I love him, but the name James Paulsen will never be as legendary as Harvey Specter will be. That's not something he needs to hear from you, though."
There was that faith again.
"I might not be well versed in meeting daddy dearest, but I do know not to show him up, Donna. I'm just a little nervous." He gripped her hand again, and slowly stroked his thumb along her wrist.
"I know, Harvey… just don't overthink it. You are the two most important men in my life, and if I tell him that I am happy, he'll be happy for us." She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before they went inside.
Things got off to a decent start. Clara was her welcoming self, and Jim was initially content enough with his favorite home-cooked meal and a glass of whiskey. His interactions with Harvey were reduced to a few pointed questions in between Donna's glowing stories and Clara's humorous additions. Little did they know he was just bidding his time.
When Donna went to help her mother put away the dishes after the birthday cake, Jim seized his opportunity. "Harvey, why don't we step out on the porch to talk man-to-man."
He offered Harvey a refill of his drink and was pleasantly surprised when Harvey stopped with the one scotch he had with dinner. It wasn't that Jim was naïve enough to think his daughter didn't imbibe despite not yet being of drinking age, it was that he preferred a partner for her that didn't overindulge and prompt her to.
Once he closed the sliding glass door, Jim jumped right into it. "My daughter is a smart woman, but she has a way of seeing the best in people that can leave her blind to the worst."
"She is brilliant, James, but I think she sees all sides of people."
Harvey didn't know where Jim was going with this, but it wasn't an encouraging opening. He wished he accepted that refill offer. He also wished he could share his initial thoughts with the man. The unspoken part was that the biggest blind spot she seemed to have was for her father in fact. He owed it to Donna to give Jim a fair shake, but hearing the stories of her childhood made it hard to start things off with a blank slate.
"Regardless of our stances on that, I have my concerns about you." Jim took a sip of his drink, but his eyes never lost Harvey in the process. He was evaluating Harvey's responses, especially those of the body language variety.
"By all means, let's hear them." Harvey braced himself for what he had been expecting, while trying to manage his tone. He was sure it came out a little strained, but he wanted to remain civil for his girlfriend.
"From everything Donna has told me, you seem to care about my daughter, Harvey. But my little girl is pursuing acting and it's not the most stable work. She needs a man who has more ambition than working in a mailroom." His inflection didn't sound like that of a concerned father and instead dripped with judgment and condescension.
"That's just temporary, James. I am saving up for law school and money won't always be an issue. But Donna is also the most incredible woman I've met, she'll find her way with or without a man." Harvey shook his head slightly. Surely Jim should know that.
"Be that as it may, it still doesn't mean I want to see her waste time with the wrong man or get hurt in the process." The disdain was still more apparent than any sort of protectiveness.
"The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt Donna," he replied sternly. Harvey had been facing Jim, but he pivoted slightly to rest his hands on the railing. It distracted his hands from the fists they wanted to form.
"It's not that I don't believe you when you say that, Harvey, but I've heard this story before. I just don't know how much what you want will matter in the end." Jim swirled his drink, still staring at Harvey.
Harvey hunched down a little more, resting his forearms on the railing now. He briefly turned his head away to try to maintain his composure before he turned back and responded when he failed. "That horse you are riding on is awfully high."
"What is that supposed to mean?" The offense Jim took was written all over his face.
"You're holding my job against me and assuming I won't be able provide stability, but you're the one who made the bullshit business deals that affected her childhood. Where were your concerns about stability then?" Harvey was growing tenser by the second.
"You come into my house and talk to me like that? I was right about you; you'll never be good enough for her. Even if I was in the wrong initially, you owed it to Donna to suck it up and show a little humility. But you couldn't do that and let your pride get in the way. I've asked about you, you know. I've heard all about your great big ego and your matching temper." He waived a finger with his words.
"Did Donna say that?" Harvey asked hesitantly and looked crestfallen for a moment.
It wasn't that he thought Donna would ever really badmouth him, but he couldn't think of anyone else Jim would know to ask. He was pissed at Jim's words and accusations, but deep down he carried the same fear, that he wasn't good enough for Donna. It just didn't boil down to money for him, he knew that part would come with time.
"Of course not, Harvey. Donna would never say a bad word about you. Just like I am not going to tell her-"
"You don't have to tell me about this, Dad, I heard enough of it. I tried to let you have your space to talk, but how could you say that to Harvey? You don't even really know him!"
Both Jim and Harvey were startled by Donna's sudden intrusion. Jim's angry demeanor immediately softened, and Harvey's heart pounded the way it usually did when she entered his view.
"Donna, sweetheart, I am just concerned about you. I've met men like Harvey before, and they can talk a big game, but eventually their true colors always shine through," he started to defend himself.
"Just stop! Harvey is a good man who makes me happy. And he's not some loser, he is going to be an attorney." She was so angry at her dad that she was practically shaking. Harvey had some responses that she would talk to him about later too, but her dad definitely started it.
"Dreaming about going to law school is not the same as being a lawyer. I am sure the rest of the guys in the mailroom have fantasies too." He rolled his eyes. If he had a nickel for every time someone…
"You know what, Dad, I told Harvey that you would be happy for us. This is the first time you are meeting him, for heaven's sake! How can you have so much made up about him in your mind already? And you might not know him well enough to trust in him, but you're supposed to trust me and my judgment. Harvey doesn't deserve this, we are leaving."
Harvey didn't jump in once Donna had started, happy to have the time to cool off. His icy attitude melted a little from the way she defended him. It felt like they were truly a unit. When she announced their departure, he silently let her lead him out by his hand. He did stop to thank Clara for everything.
Present Day
Her mom knocked on the door before coming in and sitting down on the edge of the bed. She softly stroked Donna's calves before starting to speak.
"Don't mind your father, Donna, he is just worried about you and doesn't know how to express it right. He'll come around. In the meantime, us women can talk through things more rationally."
"I know. And I've come to expect that the first conversation with him will never go well. I just hate that he never gave Harvey a fair chance." Donna released the hold she had on the pillow and sat up to face her mom.
"Dads have a way of doing that with the men in their daughter's life. It doesn't tend to get better when they find out one of those men got their unwed daughter pregnant," she smiled gently at her. "Speaking of Harvey, you mentioned that you haven't told him yet."
"I've been meaning to, but I keep asking myself if that is the right thing to do," she said softly.
"Honey, don't you think he would want to know?" Clara tilted her head slightly as considered what her daughter stated.
"He deserves to, but Mom, despite what Dad thinks, Harvey is a good man. If I tell him and he drops out of law school to take care of us, I would never be able to forgive myself. Not when he didn't want kids in the first place." She shook her head at the thought of him dropping out.
"You wouldn't be my Donna if you weren't always thinking about others, but honey, what do you want?" She smiled serenely at her. No one was more considerate than her youngest girl, but she worried sometimes that she would forget to think about her own needs.
"I want Harvey, Mom, but not just because of this. And I want to be a good mom."
She answered that more honestly than she intended to. Being a good mom was her priority, but she hadn't been admitting to herself lately how much she still wanted to be with him. She was still riding the "everything happens for a reason" train hard. The last part of it was definitely true, however. If she and Harvey ever found their way back to each other, she wouldn't want it to just be about being co-parents. She wanted him to want to love her.
"If I know anything, it's that your baby could never have a more loving mother. What about acting?" She rubbed her leg again and added another sweet smile before the question.
"I think I have to quit. I never thought I would give up, but it could take me years to be able to get to a point that I could do that and raise a kid…especially if I am mostly on my own."
When she and her roommates discussed renewing the lease, she forced herself to stop avoiding the hard decisions. The first one she made was that she would move out and back home, even though Peggy and Stephanie chose to stay another year. While she still hadn't settled the Harvey debate, she had finally accepted the acting reality. It was crushing, but it was right.
"I hate to think about you giving up on your dreams, but your ability to put your child first is exactly why you'll make a wonderful mother, sweetie. I still think it might be a good idea to talk to Harvey before you make any final decisions, but the choice is yours."
She held her arms out for a hug, and Donna leaned forward welcoming it.
"Thanks, Mom," she said while still embracing her.
"You know that no matter what you decide, I love you and I am proud of you. But if not acting, do you know what you want to do?" She kissed her daughter's forehead before releasing her.
"I want to go back to school after I have the baby. Yale preferably. There's not much I can do with a theater degree and my grades are good enough for scholarships. I was hoping I could move back here to do so."
"Oh honey, I think that is a wonderful idea. It's perfect really. I could watch my grandbaby while you are at school and take care of my bookkeeping when you get back. You wouldn't have to worry about rent or anything like that. Just one question, what would you study?"
"Harvey once told me that I would make a great lawyer, and that's exactly what I intend to be."
*-*Harvey*-*
October 17, 1997 – Present Day
Harvey couldn't remember the last time he set foot in a library on a Friday night, but with moot court next month, he accepted that it would be a good use of his time to brush up on some of the cases their mock one might be related to. Constitutional law, or ConLaw as they called it, was usually reserved for the second-year students' trials, and he doubted it would be a criminal case since they didn't have the class until next semester. His money was on Torts or contract law, and at the minimum he should be very familiar with those sorts of cases on the syllabus.
It also didn't hurt that he knew Scottie would be at the library. She spent about as much time studying as she did competing, which to say was a lot. It just so happened that he had a bone to pick with her.
Speaking of the devil…
"You know, when over the course of the week every book I needed from the library showed in stock but was mysteriously missing from the shelves, I asked the librarian who checked them out last. When she told me it was that Stemple clown, I ripped him a new one and slipped laxatives into his coffee before I figured out who was really behind it," he announced, while resting his fists on the table with his arms fixed in front of her.
She had her nose buried in her books, so the sound of his low voice caused her to jump in her chair. Her heart skipped at beat from the surprise, and skipped a second time when she took him in. Somehow, he got even sexier every time she saw him, even if his hair was starting to get a bit shaggy. Thankfully, her face didn't betray her. She wasn't ready to let him see anything beyond the cocky half smirk she affixed to it.
He was attracted to her, she could tell, and it wasn't just her ego talking. She hadn't known him very long, but he seemed like the playboy, skirt chasing type with a good heart underneath. The type that knew how to get what he wanted and had no problem saying as much. Yet, there was something holding him back, something unidentifiable that made him keep to himself more.
Her best guess was an ex, but she wouldn't have pegged him as a guy who would have trouble moving on. Still, she wanted to get to the bottom of it, but he had deflected or grown distant every time she had tried. She hadn't given up yet.
"I can't say I feel sorry for ol' Archibald. He's a strange little shit. And I had to do something to get your attention," she responded with a raised eyebrow and gestured for him to take a seat.
"What do you mean? You're basically the only person I talk to here, we hang out all the time." He cocked his head after sitting down.
"That's just it, Harvey. When we're not in class we're grabbing drinks, studying, flirting but every time I think we are getting closer, you pull back. You act like you're into me, but I haven't worn panties in a week, and you haven't done anything about it yet. You shut down if I ask you anything about your family or your personal life, but you won't tell me why." The frustration leaked into her tone.
He knew he'd been giving her mixed signals. Exploring his feelings wasn't something he particularly enjoyed doing, but with Donna, he couldn't help it. Everything was different with her, and that had become increasingly obvious, but the problem was coming back from it. Losing her reminded him why he didn't get close to people in the first place, but Scottie was presenting a bit of a Catch-22.
Not only was he not over Donna, but he wasn't sure he was willing to risk complicating what he was already feeling with another woman, even if it wouldn't be the same. The problem was he couldn't stop thinking about her, and spending time with Scottie was the only distraction that seemed to work.
Initially, he welcomed it. Scottie was just as competitive as he was, so it helped push him to drink a little less and study a little more. Most of their conversations consisted of surface level banter and light flirting, and it seemed to work for them. He thought she might be someone he could have that type of friendship with, one where they could still form a bond without needing a deeper connection. She was about as adverse to sharing as he was, so he thought he could skate by while being just as closed off as ever.
The last few weeks he started to realize that maybe she wasn't as okay with the status quo as he thought. He couldn't be sure as she had this way of never really telling the whole story. Everything out of her mouth always felt calculated, and he couldn't rule out that the doubt that was starting to creep in wasn't a part of some larger scheme of hers.
"I don't like talking about my family," he replied and shrugged casually, but it still made him defensive. "And you're one to talk."
It was true for the most part. He had no issues bragging about his dad and his music, and Marcus was fine too, but he couldn't mention them without the inevitable questions about his mom. His poker face was improving, approaching amazing, but there were two circumstances when it wasn't. Any conversations involving his mom, or any about Donna, made him wear his emotions on his face and his sleeve.
"Mommy issues I am guessing then."
She hadn't failed to notice that he responded to just the last bit of what she said, but she let it slide at least temporarily. Focusing on what he did give her, she remembered that he had mentioned his dad being a musician once before, but she couldn't recall anything ever being said about his mom.
"Just drop it, Scottie."
His glare was intense, but she was never one to back down.
"Look, Harvey. I understand that you're about as tight lipped as they come, and I respect that. But you can also be a real dick when you're pissed. I've put up with your mood swings and I will continue to, but I feel like I deserve to at least know why."
He hated it when he took his anger out on people. It was something he was really working on when he was with Donna, but since her, it had only gotten worse. It bothered him, but the recipients didn't always know that. He was still just as bad at apologizing as he was at controlling his temper in the first place. The guilt would hit him when he had a chance to cool down, and the intensity of it doubled with Scottie. She often bore the brunt of him missing Donna, and she cared about him despite it.
"Does it even matter why? I'm a dick, I've never denied that. And you're conniving, how do I know this isn't some strategic move for you?' The conversation was making him tense, and the flexing of his jaw reflected it.
"I'm not playing games with you, Harvey, I am just trying to get to know you."
She stopped, waiting for his reaction, but was also working out the rest of what she wanted to say. He hated weakness, that much was apparent. Figuring out how to navigate a conversation like this with him without sacrificing strength was a challenge. When he didn't jump in, she kept talking.
"Everyone has some sort of family baggage; I won't force you to disclose yours. But it feels like there is something beyond whatever the deal is with your mom that you are keeping just as bottled up, and you might as well just tell me about her."
"How do you know it's a her?" He narrowed his eyes slightly, curious about what his tell was.
"I suppose it could be a him, but that's not the vibe I get," she joked.
"You know what I mean." He slouched a little more in his seat and crossed his arms. This was not a path he wanted to continue to go down with her.
"I do, but you can't keep everything inside. Your family is obviously a touchy subject, but some ex? Come on, you're Harvey Specter." She reached across the table and gave him a light shove.
She was blending her strategy to keep him talking. Since he had always shut down before, she was hoping to determine the right recipe of sarcasm, honesty, flirting, and willingness to poke the bear a little.
"You're right, and being Harvey Specter, I don't relent because of a little flattery or whatever that was. She is off limits. I really don't want to talk about her." His arms were still crossed, and he felt himself tighten them.
"She really must have done a number on you. You didn't strike me as the type to get hung up. What did she do, bang your best buddy?" She was definitely still in the poking the bear territory.
"You better watch what you say about Donna." Their breakup did not give anyone grounds to speak ill of her. He didn't mean to let himself get suckered into the conversation, but he couldn't fight the urge to defend her.
She raised her hands in an acquiescing gesture. "Donna, huh? And okay, not a cheating thing. You're just not over her yet. I know her name now, you might as well just tell me about her. Maybe talking it out will help you get your head right. I don't need you making any excuses when I end up on top of you. In the class rankings that is, but I am open to other interpretations."
She trailed off her words in the most seductive manner she could manage and included her patented single eyebrow raise.
After a pause she continued with a more gentle urging. "If we're going to be friends, we need to be able to have some of the harder conversations."
"If we're going to be friends, you're going to have to accept that when it comes to the law and our studies, I can go all day. But when it comes to the personal shit, I am not that guy."
"It's okay to have issues, Harvey. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. And you can take that one however you want as well," she added with wink.
Sliding back into flirting was more for the sake of the conversation than anything else, as she wanted to keep him at ease enough to increase the odds of him opening up. At the very least she was gaining traction.
He stared over her shoulder as he pondered his options. The relief he felt when he told Donna about his mom was noticeable even without him being someone who dwelled on those sorts of things. That wasn't a topic he was ready to raise again, nor did he believe that things had reached that level with Scottie, but he did want things to keep progressing. His initial motivations might have been to numb the pain from Donna, but he had grown to appreciate Scottie for how similar they were, if he was honest about it.
Plus, she was hot, and he was a man after all. He was in the midst of his longest dry spell, not yet far enough removed from knowing what it felt like to be with Donna to stop wanting just her. That would change with time, and Scottie seemed like the right kind of fiery hellcat to change it with. Eventually.
"Fine, you win. Don't get used to hearing me say that by the way," he trailed off and took a deep breath before resuming. "I met Donna after a play. Her play actually, she was one of the leads. She was stunning, I had to talk to her. We hit it off, we dated, we broke up when I moved here for law school, the end." He swung his arm in a fashion meant to signify the finality of it.
"Something tells me that's not the whole of it. And that something is your face, and I don't know, all those far off stares when you've clearly been thinking about the woman you aren't over. God, I am such an idiot." She had suspected an ex, and wanted to get to the bottom of it, but actually hearing it sucked.
"You're not an idiot, Scottie," he said softly. "This is a first for me, and I know I'm not good at dealing with all of this."
"Harvey, just tell me the rest of it. I don't think patience is either of our virtues, but occasionally there are things worth waiting for. I know what we have isn't anything right now, but it feels like someday it could be. But I need to know if you see that as a possibility. Give me something, please."
"I can't make any promises, but I do like spending time with you." It felt like the best something he could give her.
He would have stopped there, but she kept looking at him in a way that made him feel guilty again. The creed that he had always lived by was that loyalty was a two-way street, but friendship was supposed to be as well. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, or maybe it was that talking about Donna made the festering pain erupt to the point he couldn't think straight, but he decided to confide in her.
"There's really not that much more to it. Donna and I were serious, I thought… things that didn't end up happening. But here's something that I never told anyone else, and I would deny it with my last breath if it ever got out. When we broke up, I had what I think was a panic attack. I couldn't breathe… and it scared the shit out of me.
He originally thought he was having a heart attack when he walked out of the apartment. It freaked him out, though not enough to consult a doctor. Telling a stranger, even a board certified one, that he couldn't breathe without his ex, he couldn't hear or think, and that he vomited before nearly passing out in the elevator, wasn't something he was willing to do. The fact that he willingly brought it up to Scottie surprised him. It still embarrassed him that he broke up with Donna and immediately fell apart to the point that he thought he was dying. He didn't even realize what he experienced until he saw a segment about panic attacks and anxiety disorders on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Scottie was thankful he shared and told him as much before she left to use the restroom. Harvey was left with his thoughts.
In a way, it felt like a layer of that guilt had been lifted after telling Scottie about Donna. Now she knew where he was coming from, and it wouldn't feel like leading her on if things developed at different paces for them. He still wasn't a fan of talking about the emotional parts of it all, but he did want to keep Scottie in his life. She did deserve to know why he was distant towards her at times, or lashed out when he was feeling hurt. Maybe it still wasn't fair to her when he knew she wanted more, but at least she understood now that he was a work in progress.
Even with that step, he still wasn't ready to tell her about his mom, however. He'd only ever told two people. Jessica, who only got the watered-down version, and Donna, who saw right through his attempt to tell the half-truth. He thought about the night he told her.
November 10, 1996
"I still don't get why you love the 'X-Files' so much," he teased after the preview for next week finished. The show wasn't bad, but he liked the way her eyebrows scrunched together and how she huffed just a little when she defended her passions.
She had been lying with her back to his chest, with them both spanning the length of the tan, peeling, leather couch, but he had flipped their position as soon as the episode ended. Her legs were loosely hooked around the back of his thighs now as he used one arm to prop himself up to avoid putting his full weight on her.
Their new position had him thinking about their next round, which might have already happened if not for her insisting on watching her show live. Not only were the pelvises perfectly aligned, making even the slightest of movements create delicious friction, but he was still in just his boxers, and she was in her underwear and his T-shirt. The thin layers barely felt like barriers at all.
He was grateful his roommate worked the night shift. It was one thing to show his girl off when they got dressed up and went out, but seeing her like this wasn't something he wanted to share. The living room was a little more comfortable than his cramped bedroom in the small apartment. At least he had more space than she did, but that would change eventually.
When he became the lawyer he knew he could be, he would buy them a penthouse with all of the room they needed. If she didn't beat him to it, that was. He knew she had everything it took to make it as an actress. He realized that he was thinking about his future as their future again. It freaked him out how often and how quickly he was doing that. It had only been a couple of months.
"Well, for one, I have to support my fellow redheads, but I also like the mystery behind it. Besides, you're a Trekkie so how much room to talk do you even have?"
He leaned down and kissed her neck to hide the smug look that was forming as she reacted with the exact expression and exasperation that he was angling for. After a couple of hickey risking kisses, he proceeded to defend his television taste.
"Captain Kirk will go down as the best character of all time and that is a hill I am willing to die on."
She shook her head at him and couldn't help her big grin. Swagger was seemingly unlimited for him. He was so charming and suave, and to the world his edges were rough, but already she knew how soft he could be with her. His dorky side was also a pleasant surprise.
She hadn't exactly told him yet, but she knew she loved him. It surprised her how early and strong her feelings developed for him. While she might be a romantic at heart, and possessed a rather large one at that, she was never quick to give hers away. Especially not after how things ended with her first boyfriend.
Thinking about her first boyfriend never occurred without thinking about her sister, which brought her mind to family in general. The holiday season was just around the corner, and she hadn't discussed those types of things with Harvey yet.
"Thanksgiving is coming up soon. Usually, I try to go back and visit my parents, but my much older sister deemed them worthy company this year, and that makes me want to steer clear. I didn't know if you wanted to spend it with me here in the city, or if you usually go back home."
They didn't talk abut his family much, other than a story about his dad here or there. She got the sense that his mother was a sore subject, but she wasn't sure how much pain was truly involved. Not unlike the fact that he knew that her sister was the bane of her existence without yet sitting through the dissertation on why.
His response didn't come right away because he wasn't sure how much he wanted to say. He'd never told anyone his mom's secret. When he walked in on his mom and who she referred to as "Cousin Scott" at the time, adjusting their clothing, he was so young that he didn't understand what he was witnessing. It wasn't hard to keep it from his dad when he didn't even know what "it" was. As he aged and fully processed everything, the weight of what he was doing became unbearable.
It felt like he was betraying his father, his hero, but he was plagued by a sense of loyalty to his mom. She was supposed to feel the same urge to protect him and not put this on his shoulders. His dad loved his mother so much, he couldn't stomach being the one to crush him. He was still blind to what kind of woman his wife really was, the type who would not only step out on her marriage, but also would willing let her son be torn apart from having to hide her acts.
She had to see the way it was affecting him. He fought with Marcus more, he stopped bringing friends home and never introduced his mom to a girl he was seeing. Not only would he never want any to meet her, but he found it difficult to get close enough to date anyone very long anyway. Sports had kept him sane, but it only amplified his emotions when his dad would miss his games.
Right now, laying on top of her with her legs around him, he realized he could trust her with it. He wanted her to know.
"Sometimes I still go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I avoid it when I can."
It had been a few years since he spent the holidays with them. He'd visit, but he preferred the times that it felt easier to escape when he needed to, and when he didn't have to pretend like they were a perfect family in pictures and Christmas cards.
"Not big on holidays?" she inquired.
She loved them but didn't mind if his sentiment was different. If anything, she saw it as a challenge. One holiday season with her and she was confident that he would look forward to the next. He already had humored her on Halloween, which wasn't even worth celebrating for many beyond childhood, but it was special to her, and they had a blast.
"Not really, but that's not why. I like seeing my dad, even my loser brother, but I hate being around my mom." His shoulders felt lighter even making it that far.
"I'm sorry, Harvey. Do you want to tell me about it?"
Looking down at her, he was met with a face devoid of any judgment and it cemented the desire to finally let it out. Her lips drew him in first, and he leaned down and softly pressed his to hers. One kiss turned into two, and before he knew it, he was running his tongue along her bottom lip and seeking entrance into her mouth.
He didn't mean it as a stalling tactic, she was just so addictive. Kissing to him was always a precursor to sex, but with her, he could get lost in it. The softness of her lips, the taste of her, her scent, it was all intoxicating.
Her shirt, his shirt, was riding up, enabling his free hand to feel skin as it explored her torso. It was a compromise of sorts, the skin-to-skin contact allowed him to untangle their tongues enough to keep talking.
"When I was sixteen, I caught my mom cheating on my dad. I never told him, I never told anyone about it. My mom asked me not to and I know I don't owe it to her, but I just couldn't be, still can't be, the one to destroy him. I won't ever forgive her for doing that to my dad."
She knew a thing or two about how parents could get so focused on their own needs that they lost sight of their children's, but none of the selfish decisions her father made compared to what Harvey's mom was putting him through. A strong urge to protect him surged through her. From what, she wasn't sure. His mother? The burden? The turmoil it has all caused?
The guilt he still carried was obvious, but there was another layer hiding underneath. It was one of those things that she thought maybe only she could see.
"It's okay if you haven't forgiven her for what she did to you either, you know. What she asked of you, no mother should put her child in that position. And Harvey, none of this is your fault, not even the parts you don't want to tell me yet."
His eyes widened briefly. As well as he felt like he already knew her, the way she could read people still surprised him. "Who are you, Clarice Starling, or something? How do you always do that?" he asked but the question was rhetorical. Dropping his head, he smiled slightly, but there was no real amusement behind it. "I wasn't sixteen, I don't know why I said that. I was eight when I caught her."
He paused, but she knew he wasn't done yet. She had been working on her movie quotes, since he loved to drop them into conversations so often. If they were talking about anything else, she would have responded with her best, "Good evening, Clarice" or "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again," but it wasn't the time for it. Instead, she lightly traced the moles on his arm still attached to her hip as she waited for him to continue.
"I guess it just felt easier to talk about how I let my father down if I didn't admit how long it's really been."
When she met him, there were warning signs. The fact that he had been on a date with another woman didn't scream loyalty and he certainly was cocky. As she got to know him, she could tell he had a bit of a temper, receiving criticism wasn't a strong suit, and he couldn't always see how his actions could affect others. Something still told her that he was a good man, so she continued to get to know him and confirmed it.
She was right that he was cocky, but she couldn't hold that against him when the same could be said about her. Though she did prefer to think of herself as a confident realist. Loyalty was something she was way off the mark on. He was infused with it, even if he did ditch his date.
What he was divulging about his mother, that was another piece of the puzzle. She understood now that his anger was a defense mechanism, something he must have developed early to help navigate his turmoil. While she had been on the wrong side of a couple of his bad moods, her ability to self-reflect reminded her that it was another scenario involving black pots and black kettles. She wouldn't dock him for something she could be guilty of herself. Even with all of her self-assuredness, she had her insecurities too. When they flared up, she could be short or lash out. It never took her long to accept when she was at fault, and she was just as quick to say that she was sorry.
Apologizing was something he was less great at, but she mostly saw the need arise with other people anyway. He was sweet to her and he let her see sides of him she knew he still shielded form the rest of the world.
The trust that this required was something extra. This was so deeply personal to him and a secret so guarded that he had never breathed a word of it to another soul. It overwhelmed her, the love she felt for him in the moment. Communication wasn't always their strong point. Sometimes it felt like she had to pry his thoughts and feelings out of him, but he was taking this step on his own.
Her skin was tingling from the significance of it, and her stomach was fluttering. At the same time her heart was shattering from the pain radiating off him and the duality of it all was confusing to her system.
Fighting off tears, she attempted to address the most important part. "That shame you are feeling doesn't belong to you, it's all your mom's. It makes it worse for her that she asked that of a young kid. Please don't blame yourself, Harvey."
"I don't know how not to, Donna. She made a fool of my dad, and I am too afraid to tell him." He dropped his still feeling the shame, then lowered it further back into her neck seeking comfort.
"One day, if it feels right to you, you will tell him. And thank you for telling me."
Present Day
Archibald Elliott Stemple was steaming mad. It was the second time he tried to join a study group only to arrive at the agreed upon location at the agreed upon time and find no one else there. He doubted that they were all flakes, not at Harvard Law School. No, he knew that they changed the time or place to exclude him without having to do so to his face. Instead of with them, he was in the library where he spent most of his time, alone again.
To make matters worse, his whole week had been terrible. A couple of days ago, on his way to the library to study by himself as usual, his least favorite person on campus had the audacity to bump into him, spill hot coffee down his body, then yell at him like it was all his fault. He hated Harvey Reginald Specter with everything he had.
It wasn't even the first time that Harvey yelled at him that horrendous week, and he was certain it wouldn't be the last, at least in general. The previous time didn't come with spilled coffee, but he was fairly confident that Harvey tampered with his. It was the only thing he could come up with for why he suddenly became so well acquainted with the second-floor toilets.
Harvey was one of those entitled douches that the universe saw fit to bless with brains and good looks. Stemple assumed that high school for Harvey was everything that he wanted for himself. It seemed like everything came so easily to him. The man barely studied, and mostly just spent his time pretending to while flirting with the woman Stemple had a crush on since the moment he saw her. Women like Dana never went for men like him, however. Harvey on the other hand, had her all but throwing herself at him.
He had everything, yet he was still moody and rude. Stemple at least had an excuse to be bitter. He had to fight for everything he had, and it never came with the same admiration from women or his peers. Dana shared some traits with Harvey, he discovered, and she wasn't exactly nice to him either. Once he saw the two of them together, it was clear it was time to shift his attraction to a woman who could see through a man like Harvey. Dana was beneath him.
Stemple's anger instantly dissipated when his search for a textbook led him into earshot of the duo that had just been inspiring his ire. He couldn't believe his good fortune with the subject matter. Not only was it a delight to learn that Harvey didn't have everything, that he was in fact still pining after some woman who clearly made a great decision, it also planted a seed in his mind.
Drawing Harvey as an opponent in moot court had seemed like a nightmare scenario. Despite despising him, he could admit that he was good, very good. Losing to him was likely, and no one wanted to be defeated by the person they could stand the least.
The best option available to him, he assumed, was bribing the jury. It was a risky proposition because they could simply take his money, or the half upfront, and not vote his way. They could turn him in if they changed their minds, and he tried to pay in full after the fact. He wouldn't be left with any recourse if they did take the money and run, since he would be kicked out of Harvard if he tried to raise a complaint about them not following through with his cheating scheme.
With this new information, he had a new idea. He would definitely still bribe the jury, as one could never be too safe. With a little digging for details, however, he was confident he could throw Harvey off his game. Panic attacks, really? How pathetic.
Things were looking up for Archibald. The library could wait, beating Harvey was now his priority.
…..
After finishing up at the library, Harvey grabbed a pizza from the less good, but less out of his way, parlor before heading back to his studio apartment. He forwent grabbing a plate and napkins, though did snag a beer from the fridge, before tossing the pizza box on his bed and stripping down to his t-shirt and boxers. He was a bachelor, he could eat his pizza from the box while lying in bed if he wanted to.
He turned on the TV needing a distraction. Hockey was his only option as far as sports since the World Series was still a day away, but thankfully the Bruins had a game he could flip on to avoid thinking about the library conversation. About her.
It wasn't that Harvey regretted being more open with Scottie, he was still okay with that. Telling Scottie meant thinking about his girl, his ex-girl, however, and it was like the progress he made in getting over Donna imploded. He missed her so much. Neither the pizza nor the hockey was helping.
All he wanted was to hear her voice again. That wasn't accurate, he was desperate for a hell of a lot more, but her soft, soothing tone might just be enough to keep him sane. He also longed to hear his name on her lips again, and prayed she hadn't already replaced it with someone else's.
His better judgment told him not to call. He hadn't heard back the last few times he tried, and that was a while ago. The thought of her hating him was terrifying. Living without her by his side was hard enough. Living with the knowledge that he hurt her to the point that she detested him seemed impossible.
What he was even hoping for, from the call he was going to but shouldn't make, he wasn't sure. Maybe he just needed her to tell him that everything would be okay in the end, or that she missed him too.
It had been months, but he still knew her number by heart. He pulled out the new Nokia cellphone he finally gave in and bought after his pager broke, from his pants on the floor, to make the call. With his efforts to save money and his limited cell plan, he probably should have waited for the free nights and weekend minutes to kick in to reach out, but he lacked the patience and the desire. He dialed her landline with shaky fingers and almost hung up after each unanswered ring. Then it was, answered that is.
"Hello?"
The female voice on the other end was not the one that still played in his mind at night.
"Peggy? It's Harvey." He was on edge, but he didn't let it show. At least he thought as much.
"Harvey…I didn't recognize the number. I bought a new phone with caller ID after I saw that Scream movie only to discover I don't even recognize most numbers and if someone is trying to do a creepy call, they can just use *67 and the number is blocked. What a racket. Anyway, what can I do for you?"
She twirled the cord to the phone around her finger as she spoke, stuck standing in the corner. A cordless version would have been a better purchase than the caller ID.
Peggy had a propensity to ramble, and Harvey was grateful that she didn't go on longer. "Is Donna there… can I speak to her?"
"Sorry Harvey, but Donna doesn't live here anymore." She thought about giving him less, just saying she was unavailable. That might have just made him keep calling, however.
"What do you mean she doesn't live there anymore? Did something happen?" He was relaxed against the headboard, but the thought of anything being wrong made him sit up straight.
"You broke up with her, what makes you think that is any of your business?" Peggy rolled her eyes at what she interpreted as his staged concern and replied abrasively.
"What makes you think that is any of your business, Peggy?" He responded with just as much bite to his tone.
"Maybe because she is one of my best friends, asshole." She stopped playing with the cord and practically froze with indignation.
"What did you say to me?"
"I called you an asshole, asshole. You broke my friend's heart and…"
His mood shifted as heart panged. "I never wanted to hurt Donna and I am really not trying to be an ass. My bad, okay? And if she moved in with different roommates, that's fine, but if something happened to Donna, I need to know."
When she started talking about Donna being heartbroken, he had to cut her off. He just wasn't ready to let it lead to a deeper conversation about her. Hearing about Donna's pain would eat him up, and he certainly didn't want to discus his feelings with Peggy. He already had enough of that for one day with Scottie, and Peggy was not on that level.
"You really don't. Why are you even calling?" She knew why, but she still felt so defensive, and protective.
"I get it, you hate me, but… I miss her. She never called me back before and I just wanted to talk to her." Admitting even that much to Peggy was hard for him, but she still hadn't confirmed that Donna was okay.
It wasn't that Peggy hated him. He was a pretty good boyfriend to her, and it had seemed so serious. Both she and Stephanie had enough late-night talks over wine with Donna to know that's exactly how she saw it. They both also knew that men had a habit of seeing their professional goals as being more important than women's. If he wasn't willing to put her first, or even consider long-distance then maybe the breakup was for the best.
The three of them had bonded so easily because they all were so driven towards their goals. The theater for Donna, the DOJ for Stephanie, and for Peggy, she wanted to give back and run a non-profit someday. Growing up, her family often needed financial assistance and it was the kind of charities that she longed to one day run that made all the difference for her.
Peggy had truly believed she was doing the right thing by not telling Donna about Harvey's voicemails she quickly deleted from the answering machine, or his visit. Now, she wasn't as sure. Not only did Harvey seem to genuinely still miss her, despite a couple of months passing, but after Donna's pregnancy news, she was really starting to wonder if she was wrong for withholding. She had decided not to fill her in because she did want to see her friend sacrifice everything for a man who wasn't willing to do the same for her. It was starting to set in as a possibility that Harvey might actually have been, or at least would be now.
It seemed like Harvey sometimes needed Donna to explain his emotions to him, and she wouldn't put it past him to be slow to figure it out on his own. She also wouldn't put it past him to think missing her meant it was okay to try to convince her to change her mind and come to him. Even if she was softening, she still was on guard. She decided to test the waters by letting him know that Donna didn't.
"I don't know why I asked…of course that is why you are calling. Look Harvey, I am going to tell you something here. When you called before and stopped by, I never told her."
"God damn it, Peggy, how could you do that?" His body immediately tensed. Out of all the scenarios that played through his mind, he never thought she was never told.
"Because you didn't see how devastated she was. You gave her up without a fight! She would have done the long distance, she would have made it work, but you didn't even try."
"Why they hell do you think I showed up that day? Why do you think I called?" He was incensed. What the fuck did Peggy think trying was?
"She deserves better than you, Harvey. Donna is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I have ever met, and I wasn't about to watch her throw her dreams away for some guy who wouldn't put her above his."
Her immediate impulse was to defend Donna, and her words were nothing but the truth, regarding her friend at least. The part about Harvey might have been more reactionary than anything, she still wasn't entirely sure about him.
"I might have overacted in the moment, but you took that decision away from me when you didn't tell her." His anger had far from subsided, but his volume lowered as he forced the words out. He was pacing now, unable to stay seated.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean what I said. That was too harsh, but I am just looking out for my friend. What's done is done, although I will tell you this much now. She moved back home with parents. I have the number and I will give it to you if you still want to call," she conceded and hoped she was making the right choice now.
He took down the number and hung up the phone in a daze. Not having a chance to speak to her, that was a reality he was prepared to be met with. Donna was always picking up shifts or working on her craft. Reaching her while she was at her apartment wasn't always an easy task. The last thing he was expecting, however, was to hear that she had moved back home.
It didn't make any sense. Hartford, Connecticut was even further from her Broadway dream than Boston. Not in terms of physical distance, but certainly in regard to opportunities presented. It was only months ago that she couldn't fathom the idea of leaving New York City behind to go with – to be with him. What the hell changed?
The part of his brain that didn't see the world as revolving around him considered other possibilities. Donna would sacrifice everything if her dad had fallen ill or something of that nature. It would be just like Jim to get in the way of Donna's dreams again, even if health was beyond his control. If something like that was the reason, he knew he shouldn't be mad.
It just didn't feel like that was the case. With all his insecurities bubbling within him, he couldn't help but think it was really just about him not being good enough for her. Peggy had just said as much, that he didn't deserve her, even if she half-heartedly apologized. What if deep down Donna felt that way?
It was a stupid thought, as he knew what her acting career meant to her. Truly making it in the industry was something she had worked tirelessly for; it wasn't just a breakup excuse. He shouldn't hold it against her, when she was the one willing to keep it going from different cities. Yet, logic didn't always coincide with feelings. He didn't know why she moved, and he shouldn't make it about him, but he couldn't help it. Being with him hadn't been reason enough for her to consider risking her pursuit of acting, but something else was. It killed him, and it pissed him off.
He wanted to call her, to ask what was going on, but he was more afraid of confirming his suspicions and taking his temper out on her than he was curious about the truth. If moving back with her parents was a better option than moving with him, it meant she didn't want him. It was remarkable how quickly the theory he was trying to force away was becoming the conclusion he was accepting as fact.
He didn't want to feel this way this way any longer or think about her anymore. Throwing away her new number wasn't something he was ready for, but he didn't save it in his phone either. He tucked the Post-it away in his desk drawer and threw his jeans on instead. His feet carried him to Scottie's apartment, and he pounded on her door.
"Hey Scottie." He gave her an upwards head nod and leaned against her doorframe nonchalantly.
"Hey," she responded with a smirk.
"I am ready to do something about those panties you haven't been wearing."
"About damn time," she said and pulled him in.