Well, here I am with another chapter! Last one was pretty low key in terms of everything, which is completely fine! After all, not everything needs to be doom and gloom! Anyway, I'll write this and maybe one more for Watching before I move back to Bisca's Journey or Rising. Also, its yearly inspection time at my job so I'll be working…a lot. That last week will probably be 60-70 hours and seven days straight so if I'm quiet for a few weeks, just too much work!
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!
Chapter Eight: Cereal Commercial
Numerous mages had taken a minor break, some getting snacks, stretching their legs, or using the restroom. Conversations still flowed among the humidity from the summer day, but Gray, under the forcible request of Mira, had used his ice magic to cool the air, bringing increased comfort to many.
Levy sat near the cube, her gaze studying the device as Team Shadow Gear sat at the next table over.
"Whatcha thinkin?" Gajeel asked, the dragon slayer facing Levy from his own seat nearby.
Sighing, Levy rested a hand on the smooth surface. "Just, we know from that one variant of Wendy that travel between worlds is possible. I think whoever built this probably has that same ability…whoever T.H. and S.L.M. are" Looking over as Lucy sat, the blonde gave a warm smile.
"I'm pushing the button this time! And it's going to be an awesome timeline!" Pumping her fist in anticipation, the blonde's chest gave a slight bounce from the motion. "Is everybody ready?"
"Yes, Lucy. You may initiate a connection" Queen Hisui assented with a light wave of her hand.
"Please be fish related!"
"I'm hoping for manly man stuff to happen! Maybe we'll see Torgue again, that guy was manly!" Flexing his arms with a laugh, Elfman then sat down as Evergreen just shook her head in disagreement. "I hope not…he was an idiot"
"Well…uh…HERE WE GO!" Pushing the green button with a firm hand, the cube powered up once more as lines of blue raced across the exterior surface. The lenses pulsed, then flared as a new image sprawled across the far wall of the guild.
A distant city rose from the land, the skyscrapers of steel and glass reflecting sunlight while a wide river flowed through the metropolis center. Several freeways flowed outward in different directions, each crowded with vehicles.
Moving away from the built up center of towering monoliths, the buildings began to get shorter before eventually ending in single family homes. Spacious lawns and streets lined with trees provided shade for the suburban sprawl as people walked their dogs, trimmed hedges or talked with their neighbors. Vehicles moved slower, the streets a grid as a police car drove, providing a presence.
Entering a single level home, three children sat at a table in the kitchen, two girls and a boy who appeared to be bored. The dark haired boy poured some cereal, unleashing a sigh. "This cereal is soooo boring! Why can't it be more exciting?"
"Because we live in Boring City, that's why" Huffing, the red head girl ate a spoonful, her face dejected.
"I hate it. Why can't we have a better breakfast?" The third child asked, the second girl a blonde with flowing long hair.
Suddenly, the kitchen wall exploded inward, the roar of rock and roll music playing as the dust swirled like smoke. Stepping into view, a large, muscular man with the best pectorals appeared. Wearing black boots with spikes, blue pants, and a red bandana, he held a shark with a bolo tie above his head. His sunglasses glinted while raven black hair flowed from beneath his bandana, the mane wavering from the sudden entrance. His abdominal muscles flexed with manliness, the dust finally billowing away.
"DID SOMEBODY SAY…EXPLOSION!?"
"It's Mister Torgue!" Yelling in delight, the trio of children jumped out of the way as Torgue threw the shark at the table, resulting in a fresh explosion of fire and flame.
"THAT'S RIGHT KIDS! AND YOUR CRIES OF BOREDOM MADE ME DOUBLE FLEX THAT SHARK IN HALF THE TIME! WOOOOOO!"
"NO! NOT THAT IDIOT AGAIN!" Grasping her head, Lucy screamed at the ceiling in a womanly wail of mental anguish.
"ALRIGHT! TIME FOR SOME MANLY AWESOMENESS!" Elfman roared, his excitement palpable.
"Finally! More fire and explosions! YEAH!" Natsu joined, the fire mage equally excited before high fiving Happy.
"Alright!" Grinning with joy, Macao high fived Romeo, the two sharing the joy with the return of Mister Torgue.
"I'm more concerned about how he's in this new universe. We just saw him in Magnolia a few timelines ago, and now he's breaking through walls. Very suspicious" Levy stated, her gaze slightly narrowed as Lucy mentally struggled.
"Damn…I was sure we wouldn't see him ever again" Lightly cursing, Erza just hoped the muscle headed idiot wouldn't be too destructive.
"THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S ME, MISTER TORGUE! AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU KIDS THE MOST AMAZING, BADASS EXPLOSION BREAKFAST EVER! WHY BREAKFAST!?" Holding up a bottle with flaming red decals and a tiny picture of his face, the overly large man continued. "MY FORMER FOOD VENTURE OF MR. TORGUES VOLCANO SAUCE PROVED TOOO EXTREME! MADE FROM THE HOTTEST SPICES, GASOLINE AND LITERAL NAPALM IT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU AND THE TORGUE CORPORATION HAD TO PAY OUT MILLIONS!" Throwing the bottle at the open cupboard of cereal, the boring breakfast foods exploded in a new wave of fire, spewing chunks of grain and roasted flakes. "QUESTION! MY PECS ARE HUGE!"
"Yeah! Mr. Torgue will finally end our breakfast boredom!" The red head girl yelled with excitement, her auburn dress flowing while the other two children followed the hulking man outside.
Sitting on the lawn was a massive truck, the paint a midnight black while flame and explosion decals covered the hood, sides and rear. Large, silver exhaust pipes pointed upward behind the cab, the chrome glinting in the sunlight. Large, massive tires comprised of hard rubber supported the truck while the words Bitchin flared along the side in explosive letters.
"OH WOW! It's Mr. Torgue's monster truck!" The blonde girl exclaimed with excitement as the boy started to climb up the side.
"And it says bitchin on the side!"
"YYYYYEAHHH! THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO CONDUCT MY AWESOME JOB! SPREADING THE KNOWLEDGE OF EXPLOSIONS AND NUTRITION!" Climbing into the cabin, the engine roared to life as the three children sat in the truck bed, clearly excited.
Rolling down the window as rock and roll music blared, Mr. Torgue gave a thumbs up. "FUCK YEAH!"
"NO…NONONONO! Don't go with him! He's insane!" Lucy cried out, her mind struggling with the turn of events.
"I want to drive that truck. Looks manly!" Nodding with approval, Elfman decided Torgue was awesome.
"Didn't you see him blow up breakfast foods with explosive hot sauce? He's unhinged and dangerous!" Evergreen scolded, the beautiful brunette waging a finger in a lecturing tone.
"Hmph! He's a neanderthal. Wendy, ignore everything he says" Carla warned with a stern tone.
"Don't worry, I don't think he's that smart" Wendy uttered with a bit of nervousness, the young woman clearly more worried about the children.
Engine roaring, the monster truck spun its tires, flinging grass and dirt against the ruined house as the parents rushed outside, screaming for help. Driving over the curb and a small hatchback that crumpled under the weight, Mr. Torgue's sunglasses glinted as the truck roared down the road, making numerous cars crash or drive out of the way.
"You may be wondering why I didn't just bring a new breakfast cereal to these kids, but I AM DISORGANIZED AS SHIT! That's why I was benchpressing that shark earlier. Answer? YES!" Tires burned as he took a corner far too fast, the sound of burning rubber making the kids cheer. Driving down the new road, a secondary vehicle appeared along side, this one stylized as a pirate ship on wheels. Complete with sails, masts, cannon, and rigging, the driver stood at the bow, using a spoked wheel to drive. Dressed in a blue navy uniform with brass buttons and numerous medals, his peaked hat had a large, yellow 'C' stenciled on the front.
"Give it up, Torgue! This is my domain!" Shaking his fist, the driver yanked the steering wheel, causing his ship-car to brush up against the monster truck that slewed sparks and the agony of screeching metal.
"HOLY SHITBALLS! IT'S CAPTAIN CRUNCH! AND HIS CEREAL IS BORING AS FUCK! Plus, it will cut the inside of your mouth!"
"Drive faster Mr. Torgue! I don't want his boring cereal!" The lone boy cried as the ship's cannons roared, spewing multi-colored bits of cereal at the truck.
"Captain Crunch will win this battle! Now give those kids to me so I can feed them my cereal!"
"IS IT JUST ME OR DOES IT SEEM LIKE ANOTHER CEREAL MASCOT WILL HIT THAT GUY IN THE NEXT INTERSCETION!? MASSIVE FOREBODIING!"
Driving through an intersection, the monster truck crushed the front end of a sedan as Rock and Roll roared. Meanwhile, a fresh vehicle T-boned Captain Crunches car-ship, flinging it into a snarl of traffic and a nearby storefront in a trail of broken glass, wood, and debris.
Roaring alongside the monster truck, the new vehicle appeared. With brown paint, the end flared up with vertical fins while the front end was low and streamlined. A domed, glass canopy was set in the middle before pulling back, revealing a pale man with pointed ears and slicked back hair. Wearing a black cloak, a frilly shirt and a golden medallion, he smiled, showing off his fangs.
"Ah…it is me, Count Chocula! I will ensure that the children enjoy a chocolate infused breakfast! Mwahuahaha!" Covering his face with his cloak, the man dipped down into his seat.
"Wait…are they fighting over the rights to feed children cereal? That's so…DUMB!" Bisca shouted out, the mother in complete disbelief at the stupidity of it all.
"And why a vampire? That makes no sense to Juvia"
"This whole thing doesn't make sense, but that's why its awesome!" Obviously Happy with the timeline, Natsu watched with baited eyes.
Metal screeched and sparks flew as Count Chocula used his vampire car to sideswipe Torgue, but the muscle bound spokesman only hit back harder.
"Mister Torgue! You're the best!" cheering, the blonde girl pumped her fist from the truck bed, earning a childlike cheer from the other kids.
"I fucking know it!" Ramming Count Chocula, the vampire lost control, his vehicle colliding with a dump truck along the side of the road. Exploding into a fire ball moments later that destroyed numerous store fronts as shrapnel flew, the flames roared as the vampire tumbled out of his car. Stumbling into the street, Count Chocula was hit by another car, causing a fresh explosion of fuel and fire. "WOOOO! DOUBLE EXPLOSION!" Yanking the wheel as the rock and roll roared, the large man floored the pedal toward a low, long building at the end of the street. Crushing a few parked cars along the side of the road with his monster truck, the vehicles were pancaked with ruin as the children cheered.
Entering the parking lot of the grocery store, Mister Torgue sped across the lot, crushing grocery carts left in a corral. Exploding with extreme explosive explosions, the carts were massive fireballs that roared behind the monster truck as it crashed through the frontal glass doors that exploded behind them.
People screamed and dove out of the way while several registers were blown apart, letting green banknotes flail in the air. Finally screeching to a halt at the start of an aisle, Mister Torgue climbed out of his cabin and jumped down, the children soon following.
"The answer to your question, is YES! BREAKFAST IS IMPORTANT!" Running toward the middle of the aisle, several rows of boxes lined the shelves. From Coco-puffs to Lucky Charms and Captain Crunch, they sat simply on the flanks.
In the center of it all was a box with Mister Torgue's image, the background a surreal expanse of fire. Labeled Explode-o's, Dozens of boxes sat on the shelf.
"WHAT THE SHITSOCK!? MY CEREAL IS NOT BEING BOUGHT!? I FIND THIS OFFENSIVE LIKE FAT KIDS NOT EATING COOKIES! GIMME A COOKIE!"
"Explode-o's! Yes!" Running to the shelves, each child pulled a box off, ripping the lid open before jamming their hands inside, pulling out orange and red cereal.
More children showed up, pulling the boxes off the shelves in a mad frenzy as Mister Torgue crossed his massive arms over his pecs. "That's right! My cereal is part of a balanced breakfast! Not only will these kids get super strong, but they'll be powered by their newfound love for…EXPLOSIONSS!"
A man jumped over the shelves, his right hand clutching a machete that dripped with blood. Landing near the throng of children and cereal, he raised his weapon. A white mask with a red 'V' covered his face while numerous scars and tattoos adorned his bare chest. Brown pants and boots were covered in fresh splatter, the flecks of crimson gruesome. "Only I can eat the boom cereal! For I have the brain sorrow like the blue midget! Agony like waterfalls of meat!" Grabbing a box, the scarred man was about to eat before a fresh explosion ripped part of the shelving away. Smoke and ash billowed among the cheering children while warped shelves and boring cereal were crunched under fresh footfalls.
Emerging from the smoke, a girl wearing unmatching shoes approached. Her pants were brown while partially covered by a smock with a rabbit pattern. Her shirt was a dull, dirty pink while additional pink highlights flared at the ends of her blonde hair. Holding up a box of cereal with her image, the child grinned like a maniac. "If you like Explode-o's, try Tiny Tina's Boom Booms! They're infused with my love for building bombs!"
"Did somebody say…EXPLOSION!" Running up to Tiny Tina, the two high-fived, creating a thunderclap of noise and awesomeness as the shockwave bowled over more of the nearby shelves and several panicking customers fleeing the carnage.
"REMEMBER! BUY MY CEREAL OTHERWISE YOUR UNMANLY!"
Suddenly fading to black, a disclaimer message appeared.
'The Torgue Cereal Corporation does not condone the use of explosives in grocery stores or the hiring of psychopaths'
"Wait…this whole thing was just a commercial!?" Lucy shouted, the poor blonde unable to process the stupidity.
"You mean the best, most manly commercial ever! I need that cereal to be a man! Mister Torgue said so!" Flexing his arms, Elfman would not be dissuaded.
"Who was the scarred man with the bloody machete!? Did he kill somebody!?" Jet asked in a worried shout, the speed mage horrified by the dangers the children were presented with.
"I'm more concerned that there was a young girl building bombs. She couldn't be older than Wendy and clearly suffers from some sort of mental disease or trauma" Carla said with a cross tone before waving her finger at Wendy. "Don't you dare emulate either of them, those two are bad examples"
"I won't"
"DAMMIT! I WANT THAT CEREAL!" Natsu suddenly shouted, the fire mage hyped up from the destruction as he gripped his head in non-cereal agony.
"No, you don't! In fact, don't ever mention that muscle bound behemoth again!" Lucy scolded.
"Hey, the scenery changed!" Cana pointed out, the brunette regaining the focus of the guild.
A balding man sat on a park bench, the area calm and serene as birds chirped in the nearby trees. A nearby path had a few pedestrians walking or jogging, the curving walkway following the path of a large central lake. Ducks and swans floated on the water, while fish swam beneath the waves.
Foliage provided ample shade, the canopy of leaves creating a serene area as a few bicyclists passed the bald man, their smiles content.
Sighing contently, the man threw some seeds on the ground, earning the favor of several birds that swooped down to gobble up the little morsels.
"What a beautiful day. Warm sunshine, a pleasant breeze…it's perfect"
Suddenly, a second person jumped down from the canopy of trees, landing right next to the seated man. Wearing a rabbit outfit, the off white material included pointed ears, a fluffy tail, and fully enclosed paws. The headpiece was slightly pulled back, the whiskers, pink nose and bulbous eyes slightly disturbing. Dirt, leaves and twigs were caught in the fake fur while mud covered the mans face, creating a maddening ensemble.
A satchel hung from the shoulder, the bag a dull brown as the rabbit man reached in.
"Th…THIS IS MY BENCH! ONLY RABBITS ARE ALLOWED IN THE PARK!" Pulling out a colored egg with floral patterns, the deranged rabbit threw it at the seated man. Breaking apart against the tweed jacket, the first man gasped as he fell.
"What? What's going on!?"
"ALL RABBITS CARRY EGGS! I AM PETER RABBIT!" Pulling more eggs from his satchel, the insane man threw them at two female joggers, the women screaming in surprise. Turning to run, more eggs came their way, splattering across their tight outfits.
"What. The. Hell? Why a rabbit outfit? And why eggs?" Gildarts asked, the father confused.
"Was he just sitting up in the trees, waiting?" Kamika added, her tone uncertain.
"Better than watching Torgue. I couldn't handle that idiocy" Lucy breathed out, the busty blonde slightly relieved.
"It's obvious that in this current timeline rabbits lay eggs like how cats are hatched from them here. It makes complete sense" Agreeing with himself, Natsu was pleased with his genius intellect.
"You idiot. Cats are born as kittens from the mother cat. Happy is an Exceed from Edolas. Plus, rabbits never lay eggs" Gray corrected.
"Why is the ice stripper talking about things he knows nothing about? Cats are born from eggs" Defiant, Natsu made up his mind.
"Yeah! I'm from an egg!"
"I may have to teach you about animals, Natsu" Lisanna offered, the woman then returning her gaze to the timeline.
Suddenly, time froze, the rampant rabbit man laughing as he threw more eggs at the balding man in mid jump. Walking out from seemingly nowhere, a handsome man in a blue suit, complete with tie, gold watch and a hanker-chief hanging from his breast pocket appeared. Blonde with a chiseled chin, strong cheekbones and broad shoulders, he smiled, showing off dazzling white teeth.
"Hello. I'm Dave Handsomeface from Flexington Law Offices. Have you ever been randomly attacked by men in rabbit outfits? Or has your home been invaded by Mister Torgue selling cereal? What about men in dolphin outfits making sexual innuendos at you during your lunch break? Or found Bigfoot in your garage using the beltsander? If you can say yes to any of these questions, my firm will take your case and get you the compensation you deserve!" Pointing at the watching guild, Dave smiled his dazzling smile. "We take any and all cases. Have you been constantly assaulted by the stripping habits of a smelly ice mage? Or have your adult magazines thrown out by nosy barmaids by the name of Mira? Then call Flexington Law for a free consultation"
Natsu stroked his chin, the wheels turning. "Wait…I can get money for the emotional damage of seeing Gray strip in the guild? And for the smell?"
"That handsome man is a moron. I don't smell"
"So you admit to being stripper that has assaulted my eyes?" Natsu stared, the dragon slayer itching to punch his rival.
"SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL MY MAGAZINES!" Roaring in agony, Makarov soon sobbed as he looked at Mira. "Why…why do you ruin my alone time?"
Huffing, Mira simply crossed her arms, her tone level and unrevealing. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Plus, you don't need to look at that filth"
Numerous women of the guild nodded, agreeing with the statement.
"At least this lawyer seems calm and collected even if the cases he takes are really odd. But then, if I was attacked by some suited rabbit man, I would simply defeat him" Erza stated with confidence and a small smile that slowly faded with concern. "I am curious how he referenced Mira and Gray though? Is it just a coincidence or does this lawyer know about Fairy Tail?"
"He didn't reference me at all though?" Gray pointed out, only to get a laugh from Gajeel. "Stripping ice mage and smells. Nah, he got that right!" Laughing, numerous men pointed and guffawed.
"Oh yeah! I'll kick all your asses!" Starting to build up an ice spell, he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. Looking back, it was Juvia, her eyes like stars. "Juvia doesn't mind if Gray strips…and she loves his manly smell…" Breathing deeply, the watermage looked ecstatic.
"So creepy…" Gulping, he tried to move, but the woman's grip was too tight as he finally sat down to watch more of this ridiculous timeline.
Mister Torgue appeared on screen, his massive frame now covered in ash and soot. "EXPLOSION SUCKA! I ADVERTISED MY CEREAL AND CAUSED MASSIVE DESTRUCTION FOR SOMETHING SIMPLE! NOW I'M GETTING SUED! THAT'S RIGHT! MY BROTHER WILL SUE ANYBODY! EVEN ME FOR RAMPANT MAYHEM AND CHAOS!"
"Remember! Dealing with deranged rabbit men in a park entitles you for a big cash settlement!" High fiving Mister Torgue, a fresh explosion of awesomeness ripped through the park as Rock and Roll music flailed through the trees. Time suddenly resumed, the chaos unfurling as the rabbit suited man continued his egg attack.
"AH! I Can't take this stupidity anymore!" Slamming her palm down on the red button, Lucy ended the connection as the cube powered down, much to the dismay of Elfman and several others.
"Hey! What the hell Lucy! That was awesome!"
"Very unmanly" Elfman added, the buff and muscular man clearly disappointed.
"Deal with it. That whole this was just an insane collection of explosions, loud men and assault" Huffing, Lucy retook her seat.
"I thought it was cool seeing Mister Torgue again" Smiling, Romeo enjoyed the whole thing and all it's madness.
"You know it, son. Maybe I should start preaching the power of explosions?" Stroking his chin, the father nodded.
"Who needs you to do it when I already can? I am a crash mage after all" Smiling with smugness, Gildarts didn't see the glare from his daughter or numerous other women thinking that was very stupid.
Hisui sipped some water, then set it down as she contemplated. Setting a finger on her bottom lip, the queen nodded after several seconds. "I believe the whole line of events was some sort of advertisement. Loud and obnoxious, but an advertisement that was interconnected"
Cosmos smiled. "That is some beautiful logic, my queen"
"It's just so excessive for breakfast foods or a lawyer, but it's probably in character for Torgue and his associates. Hopefully that's the last we'll see of that derangement" Lisanna stated, earning agreement from Lucy and others.
"I hope not! His love of explosions is awesome! And fire equals explosions!" Standing up on the table, Natsu was clearly pumped up. "I wanna blow up a building!"
"No, you don't. And if you try, I'll punish you" Stating her words calmly, they held a promise of pain as Erza watched Natsu retake his seat, the man grumbling, but complying.
"Hey. Think I can push the button next time?" Laxus asked Lucy, the lightning mage wanting to try his luck.
"As long as I maintain control to end the connection. The last thing we need is stumbling on a timeline with all of the women in a sauna, giving you men a perfect view" Levy stated matter of factly.
"That would be awesome" Bicslow commented with a big grin, only to get a slight shove from Evergreen. Laxus then moved toward the device, the lightning mage confident that the next timeline would be far less random as the guild waited with baited breath.
So yeah, short little chapter with just random Torgue stuff. Why? Because I wanted to haha! Just was funny to me so why the hell not? Plus, a little writer block for the next watching chapter so I did this instead!
Anyway, I'll work on the next one now, then probably another Rising then Bisca's Journey after that! Of course, depends what inspires the brain thinking!
Thanks for reading!
TheHappy