CHAPTER 12: A DAY IN TOWN
The next morning James and Sirius ate enough invisibility leaves to last a day and twenty minutes later they crashed into the Christmas tree on Hogsmead square.
"I thought you were good at this," said Sirius when they had untangled themselves from the lights.
"I need to practice flying backwards and blindfolded more I suppose," said James, removing the blindfold.
"And in heels. Don't forget the heels next time."
A snap of his fingers and the Ziggy Stardust popped out of being. For the two chaps this was their first time in the town of Hogsmead. They decided to make The Sweet's Shop their first stop.
Inside The Sweets Shop they stuffed their pockets full of sweets right under the noses of a shop assistant and an auror.
At The Hogsmead Bakery & Café they took a bite of all the mince pies.
But it was the tobacconist that they had been looking for!
"The tobacconist!" said Sirius when he spotted it.
Enough said!
"Ok!" said James. "But I think that first we better go in there!"
They hurried inside a shop that sold men's clothing.
And came out again looking like a Hungarian tourist, with Sirius sitting on James's shoulders, wearing a large brown coat.
A bell went shlingdong when they entered the tobacconist. Mr Terry, the oily-haired tobacconist, was currently serving another customer.
"That will be a sum of money."
Professor Slughorn counted money from his wallet. "A sum of money. There you are."
He took his tobacco and nodded at the other customer on his way out. Just as the shop bell went shlingdong James fished the wallet from the back of Slughorn's coat.
Mr Terry gave the new customer his attention.
"Good day, sir. What can I get you?"
Sirius banged his invisible hands on the counter. He quickly pulled them back under the long sleeves.
"One pipe and some of your finest tobacco my good man!" he said with the deepest voice he could muster.
"I only sell the finest of fine tobaccos." Mr Terry gestured at the shelf behind him.
"Oh really? Are you sure?"
"Wonder-Fulrump!" James whispered.
Sirius shaded his ear.
"What?"
"Ask if he has: Wonder-Fulrump!"
"O...kay..."
Mr Terry gave Sirius another one of those weird looks. He touched his scarf and sunglasses.
"Um... Gas build up. So do you have..," Scan shelves, "Wonder-Fulrump?"
"Pardon?"
"Can you show me your Wonder-Fulrump, please!"
He began to shake because James was laughing.
"Um I have epilepsy," Sirius excused himself and pushed his leg into James's neck so he'd stop.
"Have you tried Colton?" Mr Terry asked, just to be spared him.
"That'll do, excellent!"
"Ticklish-Panties! Ask if he has Ticklish-Panties!"
"This many grams?" Mr Terry scooped tobacco in a bag and put it down. "This pipe?"
"Yeah that looks great how much?"
"A sum of money."
"Right-ho." Sirius opened Slughorn's wallet. "Do you need to see my ID?"
He gave the tobacconist the ID. Mr Terry had a look at the ID.
"Weren't you just in here, professor Slughorn?"
"Nah that was my twin brother, Snailtrail. A sum of money, was it?"
Sirius searched the pockets of the wallet but there was not a money to be found.
"Well this is embarrassing."
He poked around in the wallet some more. The tobacco and pipe just lied there.
"MY NIPPLES EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT!" he shouted.
James grabbed the stuff and they fled the shop. (He also shouted: DROP YOUR PANTIES SIR WILLIAM I CAN NOT WAIT 'TIL LUNCHTIME!)
They dumped their clothes in an alley on Main Street. After that they went to the town pool, where they spent hours pulling down people's swimming trunks. They got heckled at the cinema when nobody could hear the movie for their coughing (they were smoking their pipe.) They hadn't expected anybody to bring tomatoes.
All in all they made a real day of it. When they got hungry they went to Le Petite Chien and ordered everything on the menu and then didn't pay. Finally they visited one of many pubs, where they drank straight from the kegs until they desperately needed to go out for air.
"Ugh I don't feel so," said Sirius and went bleeerrrgh right in the street. "What time is it? When do we have to be back?"
Or rather, when were the prefects going to check that everyone that had to abide by the earlier curfew, were abiding by the earlier curfew?
James checked his pocket watch.
"In a half hour. I'm tired anyway. Let's go. I'm sure the invisibility will wear off at any time now."
They got on his gorgeous thing very unsteadily. A very wobbly ride and several crashes later they wound up sharing a cab back with Snailtrail.
"We made it!" said Sirius when he saw the clock in the entrance hall. Snailtrail had already gone about his way.
"But we're still invisible!" said James. "We have to fix that!"
They would have thought that by now the invisibility would have worn off. Now it looked like they had to find some sort of cure. They continued up towards the Gryffindor tower and ran to the medicine cabinet.
"Excellent!" said James and opened it. "Ok what do we have here? Aspirin, band aid, cold compresses, all the usual first aid stuff... What are we looking for?"
"A cure-all?"
They searched the cabinet for a cure-all but didn't find one.
"They don't keep a cure-all in here?" said James.
They were swearing over the fact that this medicine cabinet, that was supposed to have all the basic medical necessities, didn't even have a cure-all, when Remus walked by.
"Hey," said James.
Freezing on the spot, Remus swivelled around like a ninja on a mission. His searching eyes swept from one spot to another.
"Paul?" he whispered.
"Who's Paul?" Sirius asked.
Staring right past them, Remus reached inside his knapsack and turned away to look in a book super quick (and somewhat sneakily.) He shut the book.
"Um nobody. My rabbit."
"You have a rabbit?" James asked, who did not recall having ever seen one.
"Yes. His name is Bluebell."
"But you just said his name was Paul."
Brief pause.
"That's his middle name."
Back to the cabinet. Pomfrey was clearly hogging the good stuff.
"There are potions for pain and constipation and even pills for impostor syndrome. Oh man I can hardly read, I'm seeing quadruple. Anybody need a cure for impostor syndrome?"
"Don't you oppress me," said Sirius.
Here came James's need to go bleeerrgh. Bleeerrgh.
"Are you looking for something for nausea?" Remus asked.
"That too..."
This was a rubbish medicine cabinet that didn't contain anything useful. Remus opened his bag and poured two pills from a small flask. James and Sirius washed them down with wand-water. The effect was so instant that they wanted to get shit faced every night because with pills such as these there was no reason not to.
"Oh I feel so much better!" said James.
But then...
Professor McGonagall was among them.
"Good evening!"
James tried to bang the cabinet shut several times until he realised that maybe it was better not to.
"Do you need something from the medicine cabinet?" she asked.
"It was like that when I got here," said Remus.
McGonagall saw the mess that had been made of the cabinet, and the bleerrgh on the floor.
"What in the world has been going on here!"
She sorted out the cabinet and summoned a house elf to clean up the bleerrgh.
"I haven't seen Mr Potter and Mr Black at all today. Have you seen them?"
Sirius grabbed hold of Remus and whispered:
"Say this: We're in the chamber of the telephone because I had to phone my mum. She was having a bout of narcissistic delusions. I can only call her at this hour. I fell asleep in the bath before. And almost drowned. Had to go to the hospital wing. The medicine gave me an out-of-body experience. My astral body went home, where I had to summon an ambulance because my mum was having narcissistic delusions. Then when I was leaving, I spilled jam on my clothes and had to change them. But all my home-clothes had shrunk in the washing thingajig so-"
James whispered in the other ear:
"A wild dog came and ran off with my homework. I spent all day looking for that wild dog, to get my homework back. I was in the forest when I stepped on a poison thorn and fell asleep. I had an astral experience. My out of body had a narcissistic delusion. I had to phone an ambulance for Sirius's mum but they put me on hold-"
"Maybe they're playing pinball in the games room?" Remus suggested.
"Well I was down there," said McGonagall. "Perhaps I will look again."
She nodded and walked off. They listened to the final echoes of her walking off.
"What cures invisibility any idea?" Sirius asked.
"What caused it?" Remus asked.
"Invisibility leaves."
"Then try visibility leaves."
"Ok where do I find those?"
"Where did you find invisibility leaves?"
"Like, off some random tree."
"Then you should find visibility leaves on the same random tree."
"Well the thing is, thicko, the tree in question is invisible so I can't see any of the leaves!"
Remus went smack, blow, pop with the bubblegum.
"I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood you there."
"No worries."
James meanwhile was back in the medicine cabinet.
"Hey I found something!"
"Awesome what is it?" Sirius asked, joining him.
"It's a bottle of All-Purpose Antidote for All Things!"
"That sounds perfect! How do we take it?"
James pushed up his glasses and looked more closely at the label.
" 'The potion must be applied digitally into the anal orifice by another person.' "
"Cool let's do it."
"I think it means we have to stick a finger in the potion, and then that finger in our butts."
"Let's look for a place to do it then. I'd rather be doing that than spend all night looking for invisible leaves."
James closed the cabinet, potion in hand. Stepping back he slipped on a patch of soapy water.
"Woahwoahwoah!" he said as his arms went propeller and fell, dropping the bottle. The flask broke and the potion spilled out. Some of it got on a passing rat, which then grew a butt on the butt.
"I guess that's what happens if you administer it wrong," said Sirius.
James got back up and searched his pockets and lo, he did have some leaves in them.
"Could any of these be visibility leaves?"
"Well no because wouldn't we see them?"
At the end of the hall, the Corpulent Madame was swinging open for Remus.
"How do I tell which leaves are visibility leaves?" James yelled.
"Close your eyes," Remus replied and entered the tower.
Upon closing his eyes, the leaves became visible and they had distinctly different markings; some had an eye open and some had an eye shut. It couldn't get any clearer than that. He gave a visibility leaf to Sirius and they plopped them in their mouths.
Un-pop.
Then professor McGonagall returned and asked why they were wearing women's undergarments.