Chapter 2 - And I Could Give You My Devotion

Author's Note: I didn't expect this fic to get so much attention, but I should have. This is a pretty unusual concept. xP

~ Amina Gila

The conversation with Shmi is still ringing in Vader's mind as he lands on Bespin, only to uncover the very illegal operation being conducted there.

Normally he would deal with this the way he always does – it's not truly any different than the things he did as a Jedi, in this instance.

But he –

He can't shake the tiny whisper in his mind of what have you become? The – everything he's done, no matter the reason, is haunting him ceaselessly now, from the moment he first saw Shmi on board that ship. This isn't what she wanted for him, what he left her to become, and he – He's never loathed himself quite as much as he does now.

It's just even harder to use it to fuel himself right now, but that automatically makes him even more afraid of what will happen if Sidious realizes that he's not being as competent as he ought to be. Whether or not he wants to do what he is has always been immaterial. Even as a Jedi. He has to do what's demanded of him, whether he likes it or not. He and Sidious have a conversation any time he makes a mistake, and it's enough for him to never forget.

Even thinking about betraying his master – which he is – floods him with overwhelming fear, the thing that's fueled him the strongest all these years. He's even more afraid of something going wrong now because of what it could mean for Shmi and Luke.

All he can do now on Bespin is... what he always has, no matter how much the shame is smothering him. Especially when Shmi is lurking nearby, watching.

Though Lando Calrissian immediately scrambles to make a deal with the Empire in the hopes that it will keep them out of his operation. The Falcon is coming in to land for whatever reason, and it's the perfect trap to catch them in. This is a deal that Vader will respect, so long as Lando holds up his end, which he... genuinely doubts will remain true. And so long as Sidious doesn't demand Vader do something differently.

Boba approaches him – it was because of him they tracked the Falcon'strajectory in the first place – asking for permission to take Solo to the Hutts for some other bounty.

Solo probably has little information on the Rebellion, and turning him over to Boba would be –

But seeing his mother again, he can't stop thinking about those days they were together. He was a slave then, but he also with the one person he knew would never leave him. Not back then, at least. He doesn't know what she'd think of him now. And he can't... just turn someone over to the Hutts, knowing what they'll probably do, though it's not like the criminal's fate with the Empire will be much better. But it's different for the Hutts. What they're doing is still injustice, no matter if Solo is a criminal himself.

"We will discuss this later, once matters here are... settled," Vader tells him.

Boba isn't overly happy, but he returns to waiting, as does Vader.

Until he senses as much as sees Shmi quietly approaching from behind him.

"Do you have time?" she asks, after a moment where they just... look at each other.

"Yes." He could never say no to that, to anything she asked him.

"I don't know where you... grew up," Shmi begins. She seems almost uncomfortable sometimes around him, and he has no idea how to feel about that. It just makes him feel sick and hate himself more than he already does. "But on Tatooine, we... have a legend."

Vader stills entirely; somehow, he knows what she's about to say, even before she says it.

"It's a legend of a... sun dragon." His breath would've frozen in his throat if he were capable of controlling his own breathing. It's not as if he could have forgotten that legend, the one his mother told to him so frequently before he went to sleep at night. That legend that guided so much of what he did, until – until he became what he is now, and everything of Anakin's life is buried under fire and ash.

"The sun dragon is a beast that lives inside a star, guarding everything it treasures. Nothing could hurt it. Not fire, not flame. It survived through the most impossible circumstances, even life in the core of a star. Because the sun-dragon had the biggest heart in the galaxy, a burning furnace powerful enough to protect everything and everyone it loved."

Once he had believed that unquestionably, that he could at least try to be strong enough. That he could –

But he's nothing like who he once was, then. It feels like a lifetime of another, but hearing those familiar words cuts to his core more sharply than anything even could.

The last time he remembers actually crying was Jabi'im – he wanted to after Malachor, but that had hurt too much to even... anything – but he can't stop the tears burning his eyes now. Doesn't even bother to try, though the respirator will forcibly regulate his breathing again in minutes, anyway.

He wants it all to stop, wants to be free of this, wants to –

The Dark Side might give him power that he never had as Anakin, but at least Anakin had an excuse of a family. He has nothing, no one left to protect.

Except now Shmi. And Luke. But...

It catches him entirely off-guard when she reaches forwards, fingers almost uncertainly touching his arm. Almost as though she can sense how he's feeling. And she's... offering him comfort much like she would have unquestioningly years ago, and it only makes not crying even harder.

"Why do you tell me this?" he inquires – the vocoder makes his voice sound far more stable than it is.

"So that whatever happens from here, you can find the strength to fight back," she replies, a hint of sadness in her dark eyes, "I understand how easy it is to... break, especially when you have nothing left. I understand how... doing as the Emperor instructs can be the only way out, but that doesn't mean you can't be more than what he's been trying to make you into."

It's – she's telling it to him as a remainder, a way to help him resist Sidious, and maybe for the first time, it doesn't feel quite so hopeless anymore. He's been daring to hope that he'll be able to break away from his master, but it was more of an overwhelming desperate obsession, a way to make sure Sidious doesn't kill the boy before they have a chance to... anything, really. But – but this...

He has no idea why Shmi would believe anything good about him, but maybe if she does, maybe there's still... something good he's capable of doing, even if it's hard to imagine. Obi-Wan didn't believe there was anything left of him to save, and he doesn't understand how his former master could be wrong, but Shmi is – It was so often memories of her that Anakin turned to, when he... needed support, and if she's saying this, he – He doesn't even know what to think, anymore.

"Thank you," he tells her, though not even that can begin to express how he's feeling about any of it.

She nods, gaze darting away from him briefly, to the surrounding halls. "What's happening here?"

"Some of Luke's rebel... friends have shown up. With their capture, he will be lured out here, as well." He can't shake the uncomfortable feeling at telling her that, but she asked. He can't not tell her.

He doesn't think she's very happy by it, either. "How would he know to come here?"

"He will sense it, in the Force." Eventually, at least.

"Would you be willing to let me talk to them?" Shmi inquires, "There might be a less... hostile way we can handle this."

Vader blinks, the request taking him entirely by surprise. He didn't expect her to offer to help. He was planning to do everything for her. "I do not believe they would be willing to negotiate."

"But there might be a chance. If they're Luke's friends, then they must be here for a reason. He must trust them. If they knew my identity, perhaps I could try to arrange something."

She's... not wrong about Luke's friends, even if Vader's still wary. "Telling them could be a greater risk of the Emperor hearing of it, but you may speak with them if you desire."

She seems relieved, and if this is going to make her any less disappointed in what he is – though, she hasn't shown any disgust or disappointment, and he doesn't know what to think of that – he's more than willing to let her.

He doesn't think anything will go wrong from this, particularly, but something isn't right. Vader just can't quite place what it is. But something's...

Wrong.

**w**

Clearly, all of Shmi's assumptions of what Vader is like were fairly accurate, from how he reacted to the sun dragon story. She... didn't quite expect it to upset him so much, which makes her wonder if it's something he's heard before.

It was something she truly believed about Anakin once – seeing the strength in his heart was hardly difficult – and that's part of why she can't imagine that he's just gone. But right now, all she can do is try to find his son.

The area the rebels are being held in isn't the most pleasant looking, but it's not actually a prison cell, either.

Vader escorts her to one of the rooms first, though he lets her go in alone.

The girl inside – Princess Leia Organa, Vader had told her – can't be much over twenty, with dark hair and eyes that strikes Shmi as almost eerily familiar. As though she's looking at younger reflection of herself. Even some of her facial features have similarities. And there's something about how she feels...Shmi doesn't really know what to think of it.

Leia straightens when she enters, something steeling in her gaze.

Why does that fierce stubbornness, childish with her age, remind Shmi so much of Anakin for a moment? And of what she envisioned him being like when he was older?

"What do you want?" she demands, though her gaze darts to Shmi's casual attire. It probably looks glaringly out of place here.

"I'm not here to question you," she says, keeping her tone soothing. She's never done anything like this before and doesn't really have any idea what she's doing, but she's not acting officially. This is for Anakin. And for her grandson. And Vader. "I'm not here on behalf of the Empire, at all."

Leia wavers, for just a moment. "Then how are you here? Did Lando send you?"

"No. It's more... complicated than that. I'm here because of Luke."

Surprise flashes through her eyes, quickly mingled with worry. "What about him? I don't know where he is if that's what you're hoping to find out."

"Let me explain," Shmi requests, "I wouldn't expect you to tell me where he is, even if you did know. But I'm his... relative, and I would like to find him. I believe this is something he would like to know."

"Relative?" Leia repeats, almost disbelieving, "He told me all his relatives were dead."

"I'm his grandmother. He has reason to think I'm dead."

Something shifts a little in the girl's expression, softening the slightest bit, even if she's still obviously wary. "How did you end up here, then? Did the Empire... pick you up somewhere?"

Does she know that Shmi is – used to be? – a slave? It almost seems like she might, from the slight change in her tone. Leia and Luke must be close, then. "Yes," Shmi allows, "But I don't believe it's what you're thinking."

"You're not... enslaved, then?" Leia asks, uncertainly.

"Not – No." She's going to have to be blunt about it, or Leia will never trust her, even if she's afraid this could ruin all attempts at finding Luke, if she's not careful about it. "But I'm not working for the Empire, either. There's someone high up in Imperial ranks who's offering a chance at eliminating the Emperor now. But Luke is the only Jedi who can help." She doesn't like the thought of him being in danger like that, but it's already apparent that this isn't something Vader can do alone, or he already would have. And if the Emperor is already trying to kill Luke regardless, then –

"And you trust this Imperial?" Leia asks, something assessing in her gaze.

Shmi can't tell if she believes her. "Yes." Even if she has no idea why.

"Saying that I believe you, I still don't know where Luke is. And I think before I even entertain trying to contact him, I deserve a more detailed explanation on this plan, because it sounds... lousy right now, no offense. Who is this Imperial?"

She takes a deep breath. "Vader."

Leia blinks, just staring at her. "Vader? You trust that he is intending to overthrow the Emperor? You trust what he wants with your... grandson?"

She doesn't even know why she knows this so firmly, but she does. She looks up to hold Leia's gaze, despite how uneasy that gesture still makes her. Looking people in the eye is a sign of defiance, and she's long ago learned to avoid those. "Yes, I do. He is... not what he might appear he is if you're actually looking. He is... far more trapped here than I ever have been. He doesn't want to be here."

Some of the steel fades a little from the girl's gaze. Why does she look and act so familiar? "I've wondered," she admits, "I thought I could... see that on him sometimes."

"He won't be able to leave, unless someone... helps him," Shmi says. "Luke may be able to. Perhaps, even you could."

"I... don't know. Can I have some time to think about it?" Leia asks.

"Yes, of course," she agrees.

"And can you let me speak with my friends?"

"I will... ask him." She doesn't think Vader will refuse, though.

Shmi turns to go, but Leia's voice stops her. "I don't know what your... relationship with Vader is," she says, "And I don't know if you already know this, but if you're working closely with him and planning to bring Luke here, I think you at least ought to know this."

She doesn't know why that suddenly makes her uneasy. "What?"

"Luke told me once that Vader... killed his father. I don't know anything about why or what happened. I don't know if he was your son or son-in-law, and I'm not trying to change your mind on your alliance, but if you don't know, I think it's your right to."

Shmi freezes.

He – they – did – what –

Vader killed Anakin?! But that – that's – Wouldn't he have told her if that was true? She'd specifically asked about Anakin, and he – He hadn't really given any specifics, actually.

But that doesn't... She feels too frozen to truly process the implications. And if there's confirmation of that, does it mean her Ani really is dead? Is he –

She needs answers. She has to know. Has to –

It doesn't change that Vader is still a slave, that he still needs her help.

But she doesn't even –

She feels like she can scarcely breathe suddenly, from the denial and grief and questions that are suddenly choking her. She doesn't have the mind to say anything else to Leia before backing out of the room.

**w**

Vader doesn't know what's happening in the room, but he senses Shmi's sudden sharp flare of emotion, of grief and confusion, and he doesn't have a good feeling about it.

"Are you well?" he asks when she steps out.

She shakes her head, looking almost breathless, expression tight. He waits, awkwardly giving her a few moments to collect herself.

"What happened to Anakin?" she asks finally, faintly. "Was it you who..."

Vader still completely. He – that –

He didn't want her to know anything about this, but he can't tell her yes, even if it's true. She won't understand what he means, and when he can feel her grief... well, it probably won't be much less if she knows who he was once. Anakin was good, or tried to be, Vader is nothing like that. But – He has no idea how to tell her that.

"I... destroyed the person Anakin used to be. He is... gone." (Is he, though? Shmi told him he can be better, was trying to encourage him of that, and...)

Shmi stares at him for a long pause, confusion fading to shock and realization. "Ani?" she asks, faintly.

When was the last time someone called him that name?

"Yes," he replies, quietly.

"You – you're alive," she breathes, and he has no idea why that's the first thing she cares about – yes, he does, because this is Shmi, not... those of family from later – but it floods him with guilt for not assuring her of this already.

He's not fully expecting her to abruptly step forwards, wrapping her arms around him, but he catches her, holding her tightly. He wishes he could actually feel it, wishes he was still small enough for her to hold him the way she used to so long ago.

"Ani," she murmurs again, voice sounding suspiciously strangled, "You're here."

"I am not – what you believed I would become. I failed you," he replies, the image of her bleeding body in his arms forever engrained in his mind.

"Anakin, you didn't fail me. You never could," she answers, firmly.

But he can't even begin to accept that promise. "I did. You do not know what happened. I promised I would return to free you, and I – I failed. I came too late, and I could not save you in time."

It doesn't make him feel any better that all he sees is in her eyes is a strange sense of acceptance. "I sent you away so you would be free, Anakin," she tells him, "If you weren't able to make it back, you know I would never fault you for that. You cannot stop change any more than you can stop the sun from setting, and if it was my... time, there would not be anything you could do. I have no doubt that you did the best you could have."

Vader's hand lingers on her shoulder, trying not to grip too tightly, but he's struck with the overwhelming fear of how easily he could lose her again. "But I was still too late," he protests, "I promised I would never fail to... protect anyone again, but I did. I destroyed everything. I –" am a monster,he doesn't finish. And now, he almost wants to cry again.

She touches his arm, and he can vaguely remember the feel of her gentle touch from another lifetime, even if he can't feel it now. "What happened?" she asks, "After I sent you away? Where I was from, you just left. I thought you would be safe. What happened?" Now he can feel her own pain and guilt – as though she would have something to feel guilty for. She always did what she thought was best for him.

He doesn't even know how to begin answering that. He lived almost his entire life without her, after all.

"Qui-Gon was lost on... Naboo," Vader replies, thinking back to that moment so long ago, "And I was trained by his... apprentice instead. He and the Council believed I was too dangerous to be trained, but in the end they... agreed."

He doesn't want to linger on the topic of Obi-Wan, on the – Everything between them. He can never forget Mustafar, or Jabi'im, though not any more than he can forget the moment he cut him down on the Death Star, forever.

"Why would they have ever said that?" Shmi demands, a hint of indignation in her tone. "You were a child then, Anakin."

"Perhaps they knew what I would become, I do not know."

"Stop... judging yourself," she says, but it's somehow gentle, "It does not help. Your guilt does not define who you are. And I know you're not... free."

He doesn't argue the point – there isn't really a reason because she won't accept it. "I... did not fit in at the Temple," he goes, after a pause, "The... Chancellor took interest in me, and I... trusted him. I did not realize until later that he was a Sith. He is my... master now."

"They had you meeting with the Chancellor when you were a child?" she repeats.

"Yes. It was... useful to them, and he was the only one who... desired to be around me. I would have been upset had they refused."

There's so much more he could say, about Obi-Wan, about Padme, even about his boys, and Ahsoka – Shmi would have adored Ahsoka. But she's gone now. He doesn't know where Ahsoka is. All he knows is that she survived Malachor.

But what matters most is how things came to this point. "I had an... apprentice," he goes on, finally, "She was accused of treason during the war that broke out after your death, and... nearly executed. The Council had her thrown out of the Order without truly investigating the case, because the Senate asked them to. I could not... believe in them after that."

He pauses a moment, before continuing when she doesn't speak. "It was less than a year later when Palpatine told me that the Jedi were going to commit treason and forcibly take control of the Republic. I was also having visions of... Luke's mother's death. Padme. You... met her."

"Yes," Shmi confirms, faintly.

"It was against what the Jedi taught for me to be close to her, but we... were." Or at least, he was. He still doesn't know how much he ever meant to her. She brought Obi-Wan to kill him, after all, after everything that he did for her. "I feared that she would die in childbirth, along with the child. I... expected it to be a girl. Chose a name for one. Padme believed it would be a boy. In the end, she was right." He still remembers how happy he had been back then. And even if Luke wasn't the child he was expecting, that doesn't mean he isn't his child, doesn't mean he doesn't care for him fiercely already, though he doesn't even know him yet.

Shmi's expression twitches slightly, at that. "But you weren't there when Luke was born?"

"No." He'll get to that later. Not... yet.

"What name did you chose for... the girl?"

Why is she asking? "Leia. Based off the... legends."

Shock flickers across her face, for some reason.

"What is it?" he inquires.

"It's something I should... confirm first," she replies, almost faintly, "Go on."

"Palpatine promised to save them. I... believed him, and then the Jedi did turn against him, and attempted to take control. I had to choose between them and standing with my... family and the Republic. I... became a Sith. I did not realize what Palpatine was until it was too late." Truthfully, Palpatine and Sidious don't even feel the same.

"I... understand why you Fell," she says, softly, "I never imagined it would be so hard for you, after you left. I thought the Jedi would take care of you."

His bitterness over – all of that are warring with him just as much as his own anger at himself. He doesn't even know what to say to her. Of course, she would be... understanding about it, but –

"This... suit," she begins, after a long pause, "Can you take it off, or –"

"No. I cannot. It... is what keeps me alive."

Horror flashes across her face. "It's for life support? What happened?"

"I destroyed the Jedi, as Sidious ordered," he replies, numbly, "The one who trained me as a Jedi – Obi-Wan – came after me. He nearly killed me. Sidious found me, put me in... this."

She just looks like she's feeling increasingly sick. "And that's why he demands your loyalty so much."

"Yes."

She breaths out a long breath, fingers trailing lightly along the metal of his arm. "But didn't this Obi-Wan raise you? How could he have... done this to you?"

"I do not know, but I... deserve no less for what I have done."

"No, you don't," she retaliates, fiercely, despite how sick she seems to be feeling right now, "I don't know what the Sith or the Jedi were teaching you, but I know you always had the kindest heart when you were young, Anakin. You've been alone for years. No one has the strength to forever withstand what their masters want of them. Not when they're alone. And I know your heart is still in there as much as it ever has been, no matter what's happened. I know you can still find it, Anakin. You might have made mistakes, yes, but that doesn't mean all of it is on you, that you can't be better. And whatever happens, I will stay with you. And I'm sure Luke will say the same when we find him."

Vader has no idea what to say in the fierceness of her belief in him, belief that he himself doesn't even share. The most he can do is tug her into a tight embrace again, taking whatever comfort he truly can from it and hoping that she's right.

That there really is a chance that he can finally be away from Sidious. Because he can't keep serving his master like this, not for the things he wants Vader to keep doing. Not anymore.

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