Chapter 6: Let Me In
"Alhaitham!" Kaveh knocked loudly on his door. "If you don't answer because you're hiding, think again! I'll make Cyno send out a search party if you don't let me know you're in there!"
He forced himself from the sofa to answer the door.
Kaveh beamed when the door creaked open, but the smile slipped from his lips as he took in Alhaitham's condition. There was noticeable swelling on the left side of his face, and a few cuts just above his eyebrow. Travelling down, Alhaitham was shirtless, displaying a smattering of small nicks and bruises on his arms and abdomen. The thing that caught Kaveh's attention most was the dressing just below his ribs.
"Haitham…what…?" Kaveh didn't know where to look. "Cyno said you'd be home, but… Does he know?"
"I sent a note requesting to use annual leave to cover a sprained ankle."
"I think they'd give you sick leave."
"Well, I can walk and do my job. I just don't wish to be seen like this. And I am quite tired. So, no, I can't do lunch today."
Kaveh shook his head. "We're doing lunch. I'm bringing you lunch."
"Kaveh –"
"Haitham. Let me help you today."
He moved to invite himself in, but Alhaitham put a hand on his chest to stop him. He didn't want Kaveh in his house. The memories that would bring back would be hard to handle, especially in his fragile state.
Kaveh took hold of his wrist and twisted his arm slightly. "Look at this graze. Have you put anything on it?"
Maybe he needed help. But why did it have to be Kaveh at his door?
"Have you been to the Bimarstan? Or called Tighnari at least?" He watched Alhaitham's expression, noticing his avoidance of Kaveh's eyes. "No? Gods, Alhaitham, what are we going to do with you? Won't even call on your friends when you need them? I'm coming in whether you like it or not. And no lunch until I've made sure you've been treated."
Alhaitham wasn't in a state to stop Kaveh. He let Kaveh push the door wider and walk in. The place was a lot messier than the last time Kaveh had been here, and he really wanted to berate the other for letting it get this bad, but now was not the time.
"You lie down, I'll grab the medical box."
Kaveh made sure that Alhaitham was fully examined, cleaning all the wounds he'd acquired thoroughly, and dressing those he thought it was appropriate to. Alhaitham wouldn't let him near the one under his ribs, which was a little concerning, but he was assured that it had only been dressed a few hours ago. Leaving Alhaitham with some ice wrapped in a towel to press against his swollen cheek, Kaveh left to grab lunch, picking up Alhaitham's key on the way out like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Alhaitham was left on the sofa in a daze. After everything, Kaveh was still willing to do all of this for him. It made his eyes water. He thought about the conversations he'd had with Hat Guy, and how he'd been rejecting Kaveh because he'd been trying to create space between them. But, in the end, there was no space between them. Kaveh had barged his way in and moved around the house as if he hadn't been away for 2 months now. The only hesitation in his touch was to make sure that Alhaitham wasn't in pain as he inspected all the injuries he'd acquired.
The door sounded and Alhaitham wiped his eyes, praying they weren't red.
"I've got tahchin and butter chicken. Meat to repair and carbs to give you lots of energy. Hey, are you alright? We don't have to eat now if you don't want to."
Alhaitham shook his head. "Let's eat."
Kaveh went to fetch bowls and cutlery, dishing out a bigger portion for Alhaitham. He waited until after they had finished to ask his burning questions.
"So, what happened?"
"Despite my involvement in the coup, I'm told a good portion of Eremites still hate my guts for continuing to hold a position in the Akademiya. I guess I should have done more for them during my tenure as the Acting Grand Sage."
"You went alone?"
"I always go alone. I don't see why that should change. As a vision holder, I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. Eight of them, one of me, and I still got back here in decent condition."
Kaveh wanted to challenge the use of 'decent,' but he supposed with no broken bones it was acceptable. "Well, maybe you should consider taking a travel buddy next time at least."
"They'd need to be able to hold their own. Those guys weren't looking to just beat me up. I expect I was going to be captured and sold to the highest bidder to have the pleasure of killing me."
"You say it so casually…"
Alhaitham shrugged. "It's something I've had to be aware of as a real possibility."
"Take me with you next time, then. Whenever it is, I'll rearrange my schedule to go with you."
"Why? I can't even make time to go for lunch with you. Why would you do something like that for me?"
"Because I care about you. I don't want to wake up to the news you were killed because you couldn't ask a friend to go with you. So, I'm telling you explicitly that I'm available any time."
"You'd drop all your plans with Damien? For a guy who's been avoiding you?"
"Haitham. You were my friend first, and I think Damien realises that as much as I complain about you, I still care about you more than you know, apparently. But are you finally admitting you've been avoiding me? Not just fobbing me off to hang out with Hat Guy?"
He was already feeling vulnerable physically, so what was a little added emotional vulnerability? There was always a chance to pass it off as concussion later. "I miss this. I miss you being here in my house."
"Well, if you accepted my invites, we could have lunch here."
Alhaitham shook his head. "No. Having you here… It'll hurt more later when you're no longer here." He went to say more, to let it tumble out, but he caught himself. "Sorry, forget I said that."
"You're allowed to miss me. I miss you too, sometimes. As much as Damien and I get on, we don't have those in-sync moments we used to have. You know, when we played music, or when we cooked together. But, then again, Damien and I also lack the clashes we used to have."
"I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving."
Kaveh's brow furrowed slightly. "Why would I feel guilty? For so long I felt guilty for intruding on you by staying here. I don't know why you think I'd feel guilty for leaving."
Right. He'd overthought everything. He shifted to lay down so that he could stare at the ceiling instead of in Kaveh's direction.
He heard Kaveh sigh after a minute. "I understand."
"You do?"
Kaveh nodded. "You said you wouldn't change anything in your life, and by moving out, I've changed something, therefore you believe I might feel guilt. Well, I remember our conversation quite well, because I left it feeling good, but you still gave me the impression that living together or alone didn't matter to you. Or, that you could find equal happiness in both."
"I believed that at one point," Alhaitham confessed. "But for some time now, I have known that it is not true."
"You should have asked me to stay."
"I shouldn't stand in the way of your happiness."
"I was happy here."
Alhaitham closed his eyes and breathed deeply. They had never been good at communicating when they lived together, but right now it seemed so easy to say all these things. Was it because Kaveh didn't live here? That Alhaitham knew Kaveh had somewhere else to escape to if their words began to sour? That he knew he could throw Kaveh out and be allowed to wallow in his misery alone and not have to see him the next day?
Kaveh continued, and he only succeeded in making it hurt more. "I didn't have to move out when I did, but when Damien suggested it, how could I say no? In that moment it sounded like an opportunity that would solve many things."
"To live with loved ones is one of life's greatest pleasures, no?" Alhaitham asked. "Or perhaps I should rephrase and call it a treasure, seeing as it's something we've both lost, but you've now found again."
Oh… Kaveh knew Alhaitham missed his grandmother dearly, but perhaps he hadn't realised how much. Even as a student, Alhaitham had always been so independent that Kaveh thought he would have been the type to move out from his family home regardless of the circumstances. Perhaps if he'd had the choice, he would have liked to stay with his grandmother for years to come?
"Love is a strong word," Kaveh said. "I like Damien a lot, but we've only known each other for a few months. Haha, maybe I'm just scared of…" Losing him. Like he'd lost his father, then his mother, and even Alhaitham for a time. "Nothing. I'm being cautious, knowing we're still very early on in our relationship."
Oh, to have hope! Alhaitham was tempted to seek out one of the more eccentric Rtawahist scholars who believed the stars could predict one's future and see if he was in luck.
"But, you know… You could also try to find someone. A loved one."
It took a lot of willpower not to reply with 'I already found him.'
When Kaveh got no reply, he continued, "I know you once said relationships and romance weren't for you, but that was years ago. I thought you might have changed your mind after graduating and landing a cushy job."
If only you knew. But no matter what, Alhaitham was not going to tell Kaveh how he felt. Not until it all went pear-shaped with Damien – if it ever did. He'd already said too much by telling Kaveh he missed him.
Alhaitham inhaled sharply as he was struck with the realisation that if everything proceeded smoothly, Kaveh would probably marry Damien. They never talked about their dreams for that sort of thing, mainly because Alhaitham had no interest in the topic previously, but he imagined that Kaveh was the sort who would wish to tie the knot and be told explicitly that someone wanted to be with him until death do them part. It seemed like the kind of security Kaveh would benefit from in any case.
His next thoughts about having to commit to marry Kaveh, should the occasion arise, were cut short.
"Does it hurt?!"
Shit, he'd reacted audibly to his thoughts, hadn't he? Since Kaveh had left he'd become a lot more carefree in expressing himself at home; he'd spent so much energy on keeping his words inside that he'd completely missed whatever he'd done to draw Kaveh's concern.
"Just a sharp shooting pain," he lied. "Nothing to worry about."
"I think random pains like that should be worried about."
"Look, Kaveh, I just need some rest, okay? Thank you for your concern and for bringing lunch, but I think it's best if you leave now."
Kaveh pursed his lips as he looked Alhaitham up and down. "Alright. I suppose you're right. Do you want me to do anything for you before I go? Or bring anything? Pain relief? Dressings?"
"No, it's fine."
"I'm coming back tomorrow to check on you."
"Please don't." Another half-lie. He wanted dearly for Kaveh to come again, but he also wanted to go back to avoiding the architect.
His eyes were closed as he listened to Kaveh stand up and move away towards the kitchen, the sound of water following. Of course, Kaveh would insist on washing his glass before he left. The footsteps returned, but they were approaching rather than heading towards the door.
A cool hand rested on his forehead.
"Huh, so you aren't burning up?" Kaveh mused. "Well, I'm glad, but I did wonder… Anyway, see you tomorrow."