What if Beckett decided to quit being captain? A post-S8 AU.
She sent him a text a half an hour ago, and he still hasn't responded.
He usually replies within minutes (if not seconds). Either a sweet message, an inappropriate joke, or a picture of their daughter—always something that lifts her spirits and buoys her until the inevitable call and his smooth and rich voice envelops her; sometimes joined by the babble of their three month old, an instant cure to all her aches, and God, she misses them both so much.
She hates this.
She knew going back to work after her extended maternity leave was going to be difficult, but she wasn't prepared for guilt to churn in her every time she clips on her badge, for regret to slice through her each moment she's separated from her family.
She recalls her conversation with Jordan Shaw all those years ago. How do you manage?
The agent's answer, seared in her memory.
You miss a few birthdays and you make a lot of phone calls. My husband tucks her in every night, tells her that mommy's off slaying dragons.
Tears crowd her eyes. (Damn hormones).
She doesn't want to miss any birthdays. Doesn't want to make a lot of phone calls.
Not if she can help it.
She'd already spent most of her adulthood lost in her obsessions, in her drive for justice. She honored the victims, stood watch for others, found the whys. She risked her life. Again. Again. And again. Until she and her husband were caught in the crossfire. Almost died in a hail of bullets.
But the war was over. Her debts, paid. Their crusade—finished.
She's a mom now…something she never thought possible for herself when she was deep in the rabbit hole of her grief. She still can't fathom it most days. It sucker-punches her all the time.
It also still haunts her; that she inadvertently put her daughter in the line of fire before she was even born. All because she couldn't let go. Couldn't back down.
It's one of the reasons her husband fell in love with her…how personal she made each case, how invested she got, how committed she was to getting answers. She was the one who spoke for the dead once the wicked robbed them of their voices. Their champion. Their warrior, fighting the hard battles and not just crossing lines—putting herself on them. But there are some obstacles that even the worthy can't transcend. And it almost cost them everything. Almost cost them their happy ending.
She doesn't owe the dead her life.
Not when she just wants peace. Just wants to live in the miracle of her husband and daughter.
Recovering from a gunshot while pregnant hadn't been easy, but Castle had hired an incredible team of thoroughly-vetted and highly-recommended health care professionals, and the Hamptons had been a much better retreat than the one she made to her father's cabin the first time she got shot. Especially since she had the writer at her side this time. Through every step of the way. Every nightmare. Every agonizing physical therapy session. Every worry and fear that she wasn't enough; couldn't be enough for their daughter. Or for him.
But eventually, together, they healed. Their scars from that day, marks of their survival, proof of their persistence and will to live.
She's never been happier. Never been more in love with her husband, or their life. Except…she wants more. More light. She's tired of slaying dragons and surrounding herself with death and darkness.
What if…one night, she doesn't come home for dinner? What if next time, she isn't so lucky? And a detective shows up on her husband's doorstep to deliver the worst news in the world. Her daughter, doomed to suffer the same traumatic fate as her…her mother, dead. Her father, mad with grief.
A commotion outside her office stirs her from her thoughts.
When she steps into the bullpen to investigate, her heart exalts at the sight of her husband with their daughter strapped to his chest. Officers and detectives are flocked around them, oo-ing and aw-ing.
He looks over everyone's heads at her and grins, mouthing sorry.
"Sorry?" she questions when he reaches her.
"I wanted to surprise you. We were on a walk and she was in a good mood and I got your text, but then there was a diaper incident, and well, I realize I should've consulted you. Since it's her first precinct visit and all."
But she's not listening. She doesn't care. They're here. That's all that matters. She steals Lily from the carrier and a kiss from his lips.
Her eyes water with emotion. "This is exactly what I needed. Thank you," she rasps.
"Hey, you okay?"
And she doesn't know how to lie. Doesn't want to. They don't keep secrets anymore. So she shakes her head, and he gently guides them into the privacy of her office, shuts the door softly behind them, and closes the blinds.
He unclips the carrier and joins her on the couch as she clutches onto her daughter and feels the wonderful warmth of her, overwhelmed by how perfect she is; how much she loves her.
She remembers when Alexis was kidnapped and Castle told her what it was like when his first daughter was born, how it was as if he'd been struck by lightning. She understands now. That instant, inexplicable love you can only feel for your child. Had felt it strike the moment she'd been handed her tiny bundle of joy.
Her husband doesn't press her further yet, just wraps the both of them in a hug, and she's grateful he knows her better than she knows herself. Knows she needs this quiet embrace first. When she sniffles into his neck, he kisses the top of her head, and murmurs, "What's wrong?"
She's quiet for a beat and then she confesses, "I hate this. Being away from you two."
She'd been off the job for nearly a year before returning. She consulted from afar here and there during her time away, but this past month, working in-person again…it wasn't the same as it was before. Her whole life—her priorities—had changed.
"I don't know if I want to do this work anymore…it doesn't fulfill me the way it used to." She pauses. "It used to be my whole purpose. But it's not like that anymore. You guys are my life now. And without you here, it's no fun."
"This coffee hiatus is really getting to you, huh?"
(She's still pumping, and she hasn't had a sip of an espresso or a latte or anything caffeinated since she found out about her daughter).
"Babe, I'm serious." She tilts her face up. "What if we've used up our nine lives and this is our last chance to really live?" She palms his cheek. "I don't want either of you to have to worry if I'm gonna be home for dinner."
Understanding swims in his gaze.
"And I know anything can happen. That no one's guaranteed their tomorrow, but I want to give us a better guarantee. I want to find something that doesn't involve the possibility of getting shot at. I'm done knocking at death's door."
He's kissing her before she can read his reaction, but the drape of his mouth, hot and deep and passionate, is answer enough. Lily starts to fuss, and they break apart with breathless laughs, tears streaming down both their faces.
She readjusts her hold on her daughter, quieting her, and tenderly wipes the water from under her husband's eyes. He does the same for her. "I want to do all those things you said."
"What things?" Off her glare, he defends, "I say a lot of things."
She huffs a small chuckle and seals her forehead to his; parrots his words from over a year ago.
"You know, move to Paris. Search for buried treasure in Nepal. Fly across the Sahara in a hot air balloon."
He stares at her, awestruck. "Really?"
She nods. "I've missed so much of my life, hiding in my grief and chasing my demons. I just want to be happy. Just want you and her. Our family."
"Oh, Kate. Anything. Anything you want. More time with you? That's the greatest gift."
Her heart swells.
"How does that sound, Peanut?" She bounces her daughter on her knee; smudges a kiss to her cheek. "Feel like learning some French?"
"We should probably teach her English first," he chuckles.
"And then Russian," she adds.
He grins crookedly at her and it's so beautiful and breathtaking. She leans in for a kiss, needing to soak up his delight, bask in this moment where she feels lighter than ever, brimming with hopes and dreams.
A soft knock on her door interrupts them.
"Yeah?"
Ryan pokes his head in.
"Hey, Boss. You okay?"
She shares a glance with her husband, and then looks to the man who's like a brother to her, all smiles.
"More than."
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Ryan asks.
She passes Lily back to her husband and rises to her feet.
"How would you feel about being captain again?"
He'd subbed in for her, stepped up in the interim. Espo had said he didn't want to deal with all the paperwork and politics. Preferred working the "rough and tumble" of the streets. He was actually doing a stint at the academy, training new recruits. She heard they might be offering him a more permanent position. And Lanie was in talks for Chief Medical Examiner.
They were all grown up.
"Uh…what about you? Did they approach you to run for state senate again?"
"No," she chuckles. "But if I ever do decide to officially run, can I count on your vote?"
"You have to ask?" Ryan laughs.
Her cell beeps with a message and she checks it.
Her husband had finally replied to her I wish you were here text.
You have my vote, too. And my heart.
She rolls her eyes and bites back a smile as she types her reply.
You have my heart, too.
Always.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed this little drabble! Would love to know what you think.