Matthew tossed and turned in the bed, trying to get comfortable so he could drift off to sleep and somehow ease his guilty conscience, but every time he tried, he failed. As he laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling, which he could only just make out from the light of the moon creeping in through the gap in the curtains, he heard Lavinia breathing slowly in her sleep next to him. He let out a sigh and kicked back the covers gently before sitting on the edge of the mattress.

He couldn't sleep because of what he had done just hours ago, kissing Mary in the library. He knew that he shouldn't have done it, after the fact. Before, it had been a moment of weakness, as if things were transparent between them and both got caught up with their feelings. Learning earlier in the day that she didn't love Tony, that she was planning to say no to his proposal and ultimately assumed that Mary would break up with Tony because, in her words, they weren't compatible, it made him hope.

Hope that he shouldn't be feeling.

Hope that she still loved him, just as Violet had told him.

And he found himself confessing that he wanted to end his engagement and obligation to Lavinia because he still loved Mary.

And kissing Mary…it had felt like he was home.

Matthew slipped on his bed and that sat at the end of the bed and pulled on his dressing gown, quietly rising from the bed, and tiptoed across the bedroom that he and Lavinia shared during their stay at Downton. He opened the door, exited, and closed it quietly, trying to minimise the noise he would make because the entire family were under one roof for Christmas. His mother slept a room down from him and Lavinia with the rest of the family in the rooms down the hall.

He headed down the staircase and to the Great Hall and opened the door that led off towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. As he walked down the stairs to and entered the kitchen, he nearly jumped in surprise when he saw that Mary was sat at the breakfast bar, drinking a glass of warmed milk, a lamp on a low setting as she read from a book. He noted the surprised look on her face as she turned to look at him and closed her book, placing it down on the counter.

"I-I wasn't expecting…" Matthew stammered.

"I couldn't sleep." Mary replied quickly.

Matthew nodded, crossing the room to the sink where he pulled a clean glass from the draining board and placed it under the tap. Turning on the tap, he quickly filled the glass, turned the tap off and pressed the glass to his lips, taking a large gulp and swallowed. His eyes met Mary's, who was studying him with a confused expression on her face.

"Mary-"

"We need to talk about what happened, Matthew." Mary interrupted.

"I shouldn't have…" Matthew mumbled.

"But you did." Mary stated.

Matthew sighed heavily, rubbing his temple as he closed his eyes briefly. Yes, he had kissed her after weeks of being caught up working beside her, watching her smile, laugh and talk about anything. Weeks of ignoring the way his heart fluttered in his chest and wondering if she could feel the tension between them. The awkwardness.

The love he knew that he still felt for her.

The jealousy he felt hearing her talk to Anna about taking that next step with Tony.

Walking into Mary's conversation with Edward about how Tony had asked Robert for permission to propose. How Lavinia had been so excited at the prospect and the look on Lavinia's face when Mary stated that she would be turning down the proposal. How he had felt that rush of relief flow through his veins which had built into hope that maybe a window of opportunity was presenting itself.

He went back and forth with his conflicting feelings. The guilt and the hope. How he had always thought himself to be a man who kept his promises, who would never cheat on a woman he was supposed to be committed to but then he had found himself telling Mary that he wanted to end his engagement to Lavinia. How she had looked at him so incredulously at his words that he then kissed her.

And she had kissed him back.

Kissing Mary had felt like he was home.

And when they had stopped, he realised just how utterly he had fucked up, and he walked away from her.

He had not only cheated on his fiancée, but he had left Mary alone after they had shared a kiss, without so much as an explanation. And he felt guilty and ashamed of himself.

"Why did you kiss me? Why did you tell me that you wanted to end your engagement even though you knew you couldn't break a promise you had made to Lavinia?" Mary questioned.

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

"I shouldn't have done it, Mary, but I feel so conflicted." He admitted quietly.

"You're not entirely to blame. I shouldn't have reciprocated, we're both in relationships with other people."

"The fault lies with me, Mary-"

"I was a willing participant. But you still haven't explained why you told me those things, why you kissed me." Mary stated.

Matthew sighed again, biting his lip. He could feel his palms sweating, his heart racing, the urge to flee the kitchen and pretend that this conversation wasn't happening. He was breathing harder, it felt like he was trapped in the kitchen, or as if he was in one of those escape rooms that he couldn't get out from until he solved the problem that would allow him out.

As he took a deep breath, he knew that the only way he could move on was to be honest with himself and with Mary. He knew why he had kissed her; he had already confessed he felt an obligation to Lavinia but didn't want that obligation. He had been unable to resist that pull he had felt to her in that moment.

"I think you know why, Mary. Does it really need saying aloud?" Matthew asked.

"I'd like to understand it verbally, just so we're clear and there can be no more confusion between us." Mary replied firmly.

He took another sip of his water and swallowed, smacking his lips together impatiently as he knew that once he confessed everything to her, everything between them would change and he wasn't sure if it would be for the better.

"I still have feelings for you, Mary. I don't think I stopped, I think I just learned to bury it, forget about it after we split up. I was angry and hurt for a long time and threw myself into work to distract myself from the humiliation and devastation I had felt when I assumed you were telling me you weren't interested in marriage and a future with me. And then I met Lavinia." He started.

He took a pause, looking at her to see if she would interrupt but the look on her face told him that she was listening. He cleared his throat before continuing.

"Lavinia…this kind, gentle woman who cared deeply about everything else ahead of herself. I met her my first fay working at Harvel, Carter & Swire and was drawn to her warmth. We began dating and for the first time in years, it felt like I was healing…I started to picture a life again, marriage, children, love, a home, a future…everything that I envisioned with you and I promised Lavinia I would give it all to her…a good woman who has only ever loved me…and I love her…everything I could ever want and she wants it too…except…she isn't the woman that I have loved for years…she isn't the woman who can argue with me over stupid little things…"

He placed the glass of water on the kitchen counter and stepped towards the breakfast bar where Mary was sat, cupping her jaw as he held her sad gaze. Noting silently that she was trembling, trying to look away from him but he held her gaze.

"She isn't the woman who showed me that under that cold exterior she uses as a shield, that she has a very warm and loving heart. She isn't the confident woman who kissed me on her eighteenth birthday declaring that she wanted me…she isn't the woman who has touched every inch of me that the simplest thing can bring back the deepest memory…"

Their foreheads touched; their eyes still locked.

"Lavinia doesn't drive me insane like you do, she doesn't make my heart skip a beat like you do. And I thought that I could love her the way that I love you, but I don't. And that makes me the worst possible man in the world because I made promises to Lavinia to love and honour her, to build a life with her and I like to keep my promises. But every time I look at you…every time I think about you moving on with Tony…it feels like I'm being stabbed in the gut repeatedly and I have no right to feel that way…"

Mary let out a strangled sob as he brushed away the tears that were freely flowing down her cheeks slowly.

"What happens now?" she whispered sadly.

"I don't know." Matthew replied.

She looked up at him, her arms wrapping around his neck.

"What do you truly want, Matthew?"

"I don't know." He admitted.

"You need to know. You either need to forget about me and marry Lavinia and keep all those promises that you made. Or you need to tell Lavinia what you just told me and go from there." Mary said firmly.

Matthew stepped back, pacing around the kitchen as he processed what Mary had told him.

"I know I need to talk to Lavinia, and I will. But what about you? What do you want?" Matthew asked.

Mary yawned heavily.

"I just want you to be happy. If that's with me…or with Lavinia…" she muttered.

His eyes widened; he didn't know why he felt so surprised hearing that fall from her lips. He had felt a surge of panic all those months ago when Violet had whispered those words in his ear at Tony's parent's wedding anniversary. Hearing that she had thought about him being happy with her…it made his heart soar.

"Y-you'd want us to give things another chance?" Matthew asked.

"I don't know, Matthew. All I know is that whatever you decide, my relationship with Tony is over. I've arranged to meet him next week when I'm back in London to end things. My relationship with Tony is over regardless of what is happening between us." Mary replied impatiently.

"Do you want us to get back together?" Matthew pressed.

"I-I…"

He stepped closer to her again, looking at her expectantly.

"Mary-"

"I think we need to take some time and really think about what we want before we make any decisions. Now is not the right time for this." Mary stated.

Matthew nodded, understanding that there was logic in her statement. Now wasn't the right time for the two of them to jump back in and pick up things where they had left them. He was engaged to Lavinia, trying to find another job, and still had to find a place to live permanently. She was about to end a relationship with Tony. Not to mention that the whole investigation into Patrick's death…well, he could see why Mary was right, they needed some time to allow things to settle before they considered getting back together.

"I think you're right," he agreed, "I think we need to let things settle down and we don't know how long it could take."

Mary smiled sadly.

"I think you need to talk to Lavinia."

But before Matthew could reply, they heard a shuffling of footsteps on the stairs, and then a running. Matthew looked at Mary and panicked. He bolted from the kitchen, with Mary following him and together, they ran up the stairs.

But by the time they got to the great hall, whoever it was that heard them, was nowhere to be seen. They couldn't hear footsteps; they didn't hear a door closing and they couldn't hear rushed breathing as the other person tried to catch their breath.

"Shit!" Matthew cursed under his breath.

"Someone knows." Mary stated.

"I need to tell Lavinia sooner rather than later." Matthew sighed.

Looking at Mary, he watched as she gave his hand a squeeze and ascended the stairs to her bedroom. Matthew stood still for a moment before following, knowing that once he spoke to Lavinia, everything would change.

oOo

January 2017

When Mary returned to London after celebrating the New Year with her family, she was looking forward to getting back to normality.

Well…a new normality.

She sat on a bench in Hyde Park, wrapped up in a coat, gloves and a scarf, holding a takeaway cup of coffee as Tony walked up to where she sat. She stood briefly, kissing his cheek before he took a seat beside her.

"I missed you. Did you enjoy Christmas at home?" Tony asked.

"I did, it was nice to see everyone. Sybil is planning to introduce us to her new boyfriend in a few weeks." Mary replied.

"That'll be nice. I can't wait to meet him."

Mary shifted uncomfortably as she took a sip of her coffee. She knew that the moment had arrived and saw no point in prolonging conversation with Tony, not when she knew she would be leaving him feeling hurt and rejected. As much as she wished to spare him from the hurt, she knew it was unavoidable. She couldn't be in a relationship with him, the first reason being that she knew that they were incompatible and the second reason, being that she was still in love with Matthew.

"Tony…I'm sorry…but I believe it's time that we went our separate ways." She said delicately.

Tony's facial expression changed in quick succession. It changed from adoration to surprise and then finally, to anger. He looked away from her, remaining silent for a few awkward minutes before meeting her concerned stare, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"I have been nothing but patient with you, Mary. I have all these plans for us-"

"And that's part of the reason why we need to end things, Tony. You're making all these plans without consulting me on what I might want." Mary interrupted.

"What's wrong with me planning a future with you? I love you!" Tony shouted.

Mary shifted uncomfortably again, noticing that people that were walking or sat on surrounding benches had looked around and were staring at them. Some looked at her sympathetically, others rolled their eyes, whilst some stared intently because they wanted something to gossip about later.

"Tony, I do care about you. I like you a lot, but I don't want to have my life planned for me." Mary said quietly.

"I told you that I wanted exclusivity. When we slept together a few weeks ago, I thought that was your way of telling me that you wanted me, exclusively." Tony spat angrily.

"It wasn't my intention-"

"To mislead me?"

"Yes! I wanted to see if we were compatible because every time I tired…to take that step with you…you put the brakes on it because you said you wanted to be respectful. And right after we slept together you changed. You instantly made plans about me quitting my job, travelling with you and popping out lots of children after we started restoring your family's ancestral home. Hell, you just assumed that I would say yes to your proposal-"

Tony's eyes flashed furiously.

"Who told you about that? I wanted it to be a surprise!"

"It doesn't matter how I found out. You just went to my father to ask his permission like we're living in a different century. Marriage should be of my own volition, not my father's!" Mary said angrily.

Tony shook his head.

"Fine. You're running scared. But why else do we need to end things? You said that me planning on your behalf was only part of the reason." He grumbled.

Mary took a breath and exhaled heavily.

"Over the Christmas break, I kissed Matthew, and I realised that I still have feelings for him," She replied honestly, "I'm truly sorry, Tony."

Tony said nothing, he got up from the bench and walked away hurriedly, his fists clenched. Mary sighed heavily, knowing that she had hurt him, but also that she had done the right thing. She couldn't continue in a relationship where she felt that she had no say in her future, nor could she continue in a relationship when she still had feelings for another man.

She texted Tony an apology before finishing the rest of her coffee and headed back to the office. Once she got there, she saw Edna sitting at her desk with a curious look etched on her face.

"What is it, Edna?" Mary asked.

"Matthew is in his office with Mr. Foyle."

Before Mary could move to check on Matthew, she saw the door to his office opening and Tony leaving it, his right hand clenched as he winced in pain.

"Tony-"

But he said nothing, he refused to look at her as he left the office. Mary rushed into Matthew's office to see his cheek swollen and red.

"Matthew-"

"I assume he didn't take it well?" Matthew deduced.

Mary shook her head, crossing the room and dropped to her knees as she knelt in front of him. She delicately cupped his face, inspecting the damage.

"Mary, do you need anything?" Edna asked from the doorway.

"Can you pop out to get some painkillers? I don't have any in the office." Mary requested.

She didn't see Edna nod; she heard the assistant shuffling about her desk and then exit the building.

"I'm so sorry, Matthew, I didn't anticipate-"

"It's not your fault, Mary."

"Let me get a cold compress." Mary said quietly.

She quickly went to the tiny kitchen at the back of the building, grabbing a clean tea towel and ran it through the cold water. Turning off the tap, she left the kitchen and hurried back to Matthew's office, kneeling in front of him again and pressed the tea towel gently to his face. Matthew winced before settling.

"I'm sorry that he punched you, I never meant for you to get hurt." Mary whispered.

"It's okay, I can understand his anger. I'm talking to Lavinia tonight to come clean. In a way, I'm glad that Tony got it out of his system before my conversation with Lavinia." Matthew sighed.

"I'm here if you need anything." Mary said supportively.

Matthew gave her a brief smile.

"Thank you. I don't suppose you've worked out who may have overheard us?" he asked.

Mary shrugged.

"I can only guess; I don't have any proof." She replied.

Matthew nodded, placing his hand over hers.

Outside Matthew's office, Edna had returned, holding a packet of ibuprofen in her hand and her phone in the other. She typed away a text message and pressed the send button.

TF angry, just a heads up.

And miles away, a phone beeped and Alex Green smirked as he read his text message.