Lisa
Sometimes there are things bigger, greater than yourself, and I'm sorry that you haven't found that yet. But I have.
Three minutes until exactly twenty-four hours had passed. Thank God it was Saturday, and I didn't have to deal with Taehyung.
That was going to be an epic treat on Monday when we flew together.
Two hours of sleep was all I'd managed. Every time I'd closed my eyes, I'd seen her under me, arching toward my mouth. I'd felt her hands in my hair, tasted her on my lips.
One fucking kiss, and I was addicted.
I'd also been a royal asshole and wrecked her yearlong relationship. He was wrong for her anyway, but I hadn't exactly made it a smooth exit for her. What if she didn't exit?
I stopped that thought before it could consume any more of my head. She couldn't go back to him, not after the way she'd reacted to me—us. What if you're the only one who felt it?
"Shut the hell up," I muttered to myself. Great, now I was losing it.
The number on the dashboard clock changed, and I headed for the front door, a single peony in hand. My stomach turned over, and my palms dampened as I rang the doorbell.
"Hold on a second!" Ho-Jung's voice was muffled through the door.
Don't puke. It took forever for her to get to the door. Her brown hair was in a messy knot at the top of her head, and her eyes were rimmed red.
"You look like hell." The words were out of my mouth before I thought. Shit. "I'm sorry. I mean, you look like you need a good night's rest?"
"Well, aren't you just the example of chivalry," she drawled with arched eyebrows. "Nini isn't here."
I checked again to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. "Isn't that her car in the driveway?"
Ho-Jung looked past me. "Yes, but she's in Birmingham for the weekend."
"What is she doing in Birmingham?"
"Treating a broken heart."
My stomach clenched. "Is she alone?"
Ho-Jung shook her head, and a part of my soul threatened to shrivel up. "No, but she's not with V, either. Her mama is up there with her."
"Oh, thank God. Are you trying to kill me?"
She ripped the sunglasses off, and her eyes narrowed. "Kill you? Kill you? You might be the biggest bastard to walk the planet at the moment. I get it, you're hot, and she was hooked from the minute you walked down that beach. And sure, you've got that whole savior thing going for you, but you ripped her whole world apart in ways you know nothing about. So yeah, maybe I feel, as her best friend, I get to give you shit."
Damn. She didn't pull punches. "I didn't plan it. I mean, yeah, I've thought about it pretty much since I pulled her out of the water, but I respected that she was in a relationship. But then I found out it was Taehyung, and I couldn't not fight for her. Not when every fucking cell in my body screams out that she belongs with me."
"Just…" She sighed. "Ugh. Lisa, give me that. I'll deliver it." She took the flower and then hauled her bag out of the doorway. She locked the door and then turned to me. "Look, we both know they were horribly wrong together, but that doesn't mean that they knew it. Yesterday morning, she would have married him if he'd asked, and you eviscerated that whole future."
"By kissing her."
"By existing. Nini isn't typical—"
"You don't have to tell me that. She's extraordinary."
"Shut up and listen." She jabbed her finger at me. "She doesn't let people in easily, and until now, she hasn't had to. She's had me, who's known her basically all her life, and V, who watched her grow up. V, who may treat her like a child, but he's a great guy and he's sure as hell there to pick her up when she needs it. You took that from her."
As if I didn't feel like shit already. Well, the part of me that wasn't ready to hurl from the excitement of just having a chance with her. But yeah, the other part of me? Shitty.
"So you'd better be ready to step up, because she doesn't need some little flygirl. She needs a person strong enough to handle shit and carry her."
What was I missing here? It was something she wasn't going to tell me—I'd have to hear it from Jennie. At that moment, resolve unfurled within me, stretching from my chest through my appendages, until it reached my fingers and toes. I felt…strong, capable, and determined.
"Let me worry about Jennie. I can handle more than you can imagine."
She pushed past me, headed to her car. "That's the easy answer, Lisa. Think about it, and if you're not ready to stand up, don't show up. She'd be better off without you."
She didn't bother to say good-bye, just threw the bag into her trunk and took off.
A thread of hope wove itself around me. If there was one thing I hated, it was being underestimated. I could do this. I could be with Jennie, tackle anything for her. Flight school was tough, but my grades kept me neck and neck for top of the OML. She wasn't going to be a distraction; if anything, she was my incentive to prove myself.
Dropkick Murphys sounded, and I pulled out my phone, holding my breath. The Seattle number sucked away any hope that it was Jennie.
"This is Lisa."
"Ms. Manoban?" The female on the other end had that tone, the one that preannounced bad news.
"That's me."
"I'm calling about Rosé—"
"Yes?" My stomach dropped, and I braced my hand on the side of the Defender.
"I'm so sorry, Ma'am, but I need to tell you she walked out this morning. She's gone."
Not. Again.
--
"It's been two weeks, what do you mean you can't find her?" My cell phone took the brunt of my anger. A couple heads on the library walkway turned in my direction, and I lowered my voice. "This is what I pay you for."
"She really doesn't seem to want to be found this time."
"I don't give a damn what Rosé wants. Check her credit cards, her bank account, and call every ex she has." The thought of her staying with any of those disgusting assholes turned my stomach. Why didn't she call me? She always called me.
"I already have," Paul snapped. "This is my sixth year of doing this, Lis. Cut your shit and trust me. Unless you'd rather hire another PI."
"You know you're the only person I trust. Just fucking find her." I stabbed the end button and ignored the gawking reflections of the guys behind me as I swung open the door. I took my cover off and locked my anger in a box like it belonged to someone else, because it did. "Hey, Alice."
The aging librarian smiled. "Hi there, Lieutenant Manoban. We sure have been missing you round here."
"I have actually missed being here. I went to put some furniture together this week and realized I'd left my tool bag here." The night I kissed Jennie.
"Well, you just hop on back there and grab it."
"Thank you, Alice." I took the steps two at a time and walked to the storage room. The study alcoves were nearly empty, and the door to the storage room was propped open. My bag still sat on the worktable. I picked it up and took a look around the room with a healthy dose of pride. We'd done this, taken a huge mess and transformed it into something useful, needed. The excess books were organized neatly, no doubt Jennie's work.
"Don't you, forget about me," she sang, dancing into the storage room, and every muscle in my body froze. Her arms full of books, she kicked the door closed and kept singing. She had earbuds in and scooted past, her back to me. She tried to be careful, but the books tumbled out of her hands onto the center table. She swung her hips along to the music. Her jeans highlighted every curve, hugging her ass like a wet dream, and her fitted sweater was a shade darker than her eyes.
Finally. After two weeks, I felt like I could breathe. The rush of sweet oxygen filled me, and I watched her for a few seconds more, pretending she wanted me there…pretending she wanted me at all.
Her silence since the kiss spoke volumes.
"Will you— Oh my gosh!" she shrieked as she caught me watching her. One tug of the cord, and the earbuds fell out. "Lisa! How long have you been there?"
I grinned, so damn happy to be near her. "Long enough to guess that you've been watching The Breakfast Club."
Her cheeks turned pink. "I may have had a John Hughes marathon this last week."
"It shows."
She tucked her hair behind her ears, and my hands itched to run the strands through my fingers. "So…" she mumbled, leaning against the table.
The table I'd kissed her on. "So…" I tried to think of anything but the sound of her whimpers when I stroked the roof of her mouth with my tongue. Well, shit, now that was all I could think about.
"Thank you for the flowers," she said quietly.
I ran my tongue across my teeth, but my stud was out, since I was in uniform, and it didn't have the same calming effect. "You mean the ones I've left on your doorstep every day?"
She held my stare. "Yes, those. They're beautiful."
"So are you."
"Lisa—"
"Just don't, Jennie. I got the message loud and clear. I really don't think I can handle any more rejection. Not being there the day after? Yeah, I can understand that, but fuck, I've managed to have civil conversation with Taehyung, but you won't see me?" Not that it had been pleasant, but we'd come to a decent agreement to leave the personal shit outside the aircraft. Neither of us could afford for our scores to drop because we couldn't manage to be professional.
"I was gone most of it."
"In Birmingham?" Her eyebrows shot up. "Yeah, Ho-Jung told me."
"She did?" She rubbed her fingers across the center of her chest—her nervous tell.
"Yeah, said you and your mom were off mending your broken heart or something." I twisted my cover in my hand. "I didn't mean to wreck your relationship, or you. It just…happened. I swear it wasn't premeditated. Not that I hadn't thought about it, because kissing you seems to be all I think about when I get around you, but that night…"
"Don't," she begged, her eyes shutting tight. "That night…I've never felt…" Her shoulders slumped. "What I did, kissing you, that was wrong."
Fuck. Twist the knife a little more.
"Not because I didn't want it. I think we both know there's something here. But I've never betrayed someone. I hate what I did to V, when he's done nothing but try to take care of me."
"I understand." I set the tool bag on the table.
"But you can't. Not really. Maybe one day you'll understand what he's done for me." She covered her face with her hands.
I gently pulled them away. "Don't blame yourself for this. I'm the one who kissed you."
Our eyes locked, and there it was again, that electric current that shot from my heart, through my dick, until it anchored in my very soul. "I wanted you to. I knew the entire time we were friends that it was dangerous, that I was attracted to you."
My stomach jumped. "Was?"
"Don't be stupid, Lisa. Of course I'm still attracted to you. You look like"—she scanned her eyes over my body—"that. Every woman with a pulse is going to be attracted to you."
A corner of my mouth quirked up. "There's only one pulse I'm concerned with, and she doesn't seem to want me."
We stood in a stalemate for more breaths than I could count, gauging each other's reactions, both uncertain of what to say next.
"I can't be with you."
Fuck, that hurt. It would have doubled me over if I hadn't been holding her hands. I stroked my thumbs over her soft skin. "You're going to have to give me a reason."
She pulled her hands away, like she'd just now noticed that I held them. "You have no idea what you're getting into with me. I'm not…" She played with her watch, sliding it along her wrist. "Lisa, I'm not a good idea for you."
"I'm not really a walk in the park, either." I forced a smile. "Underneath this gorgeous yet mysteriously inked exterior is someone who doesn't trust anyone or anything. You don't know everything about me, either. I'd say you and I are pretty well matched."
"As friends."
"That's all you want." Tell me I'm wrong. Please.
She gripped the edge of the counter. "That's all I can give you."
Fuck. I locked my jaw and nodded once, not because I was okay with it, but because it was the only motion I was capable of making. There was nothing I could say that wouldn't come out like begging, and I refused to beg a woman whose mind was already made up. I'd learned that lesson a long time ago.
I took my tool bag and got out of there as quickly as possible, ignoring when she called my name in a soft, morose sigh.
What the hell. I'd stood up to my father, carved a life for myself, and yet I was literally running away from a pint-sized brunette who didn't have a mean bone in her body.
I threw the tool bag unceremoniously into the truck and speed-dialed Jackson.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Gym."
The other side was quiet for a couple breaths. "I'll grab Lee and meet you there."
"Okay."
"Lisa, don't hit anything until I get there."
"Yeah." I hung up, carefully placing my cell phone in the cup holder so I didn't hurl it through the window.
The drive was short, and the hard rock blasting through my speakers did nothing to quell the absolute rage boiling within me. I threw Lucy into park, grabbed my just-in-case gym bag, and headed inside.
Jackson entered the locker room, Lee on his heels, as I was lacing my shoes, ready to go. They were both already dressed for the workout.
"Ready?" Jackson asked.
I didn't have to say anything. We walked toward the punching bag, and Lee took off to the weights. The guy was massive for a reason.
Jackson held the bag, and after my hands were wrapped, I slammed my fists into it. Hit by hit, the vibrations sang up my arms, releasing the anger, the hurt, the frustration. After a few minutes, my heart pounded, the tightness in my chest eased, and my punches slowed.
"This have anything to do with the peonies in your car?"
I hit the bag again. "She wants to be friends. Just friends." I punched between each word. "Friends don't kiss like that."
"Ouch." He waited a couple more hits. "What are you going to do about it?"
I stopped, my chest heaving. "What the hell can I do about it? Beg?"
"Yes."
I scoffed at him. "Right. So I can humiliate myself while she rejects me again. No fucking way."
"Then you don't deserve her."
I stepped into the punch, throwing my full weight behind it. The momentum took Jackson over, slamming him into the mat. Shit. Before I could apologize, he stood and took hold of the bag, ignoring that I'd just knocked him on his ass.
"You'd beg? Seriously rip yourself open and beg?"
"Did you not see the shit I crawled through for Joy?" He looked at me like I was an idiot.
He had a point.
"Lis, the good ones are worth begging, pleading, and basically mutilating your heart over."
My laugh bordered on self-deprecating. "I don't know why the hell I'm so pissed. Honestly, it's for the best. This is what I wanted, right? I have jack and shit to offer her." I wiped the sweat off my forehead. "I don't have anything left of a heart to mutilate."
"Bullshit. That hurt you're feeling? That fear that she meant it, that you can't talk her out of it? That's what you need to hold on to. The anger is going to get you nowhere." He grinned. "Besides, I remember someone buying me a pair of knee pads and telling me to suck it up and take as much as Joy could dish out for however long she needed to get her shit together."
I hit the bag again, focusing on technique and not blind anger. "Yeah, well, everyone but you saw the way she looked at you, the way you two basically orbited around each other. But not everyone is you and Joy."
Jackson pulled the bag out of my reach, effectively stopping my punches, and waited for me to look at him. "Don't be fucking stupid. It took me all of half a second to pick up on the vibe you two put out at the library. Let alone the ice rink, the bar, you name it. So take your own medicine. Suck it up and swallow as much as Jennie can dish out for however long she needs to get her shit together. Don't beg her, convince her. She's not Rosé, Lis. She's not going to walk out on you."
He might as well have punched me. I blinked. I hadn't thought to compare the two women, but with the shit going on with Rosé…yeah, it bled all over Jennie.
"You two girls done already?" Taeyong asked, walking over. "I need a spot."
"You go ahead. I need to find some knee pads." I walked off the mat feeling like I'd dropped fifty pounds on it.
Now I only needed to convince Ho-Jung to help me.