At long last Nikki was discharged from hospital and allowed to come home. Trish fussed around her like a mother hen, carrying bags, opening doors and generally trying to be as helpful as possible.

She was so busy trying to be useful that she missed the flicker of annoyance that passed across Nikki's features as she followed her inside. The rest of the evening saw a pattern emerge, every time Nikki went to do something Trish was right there by her side, offering to help or just straight out doing what needed to be done without consultation.

The soldier remained quiet, the subtle twitch on her face the only sign of her discontent. She lasted two days before she exploded.

"STOP DOING THAT! I'M NOT A FUCKING INVALID!"

Trish paled at the sudden outburst, Nicola had never raised her voice in anger at her before and all she'd done was get a cup down from the top shelf. Shepard seemed just as shocked. Her eyes screamed sorry but her mouth stayed stubbornly silent, jaw clenching in a determined line.

For a moment they just stared at each other before Nikki turned to walk away, freeing Trish from her trance. The civilian darted round to block of her partner's escape.

"Oh, no. You don't get to shout at me then just run away Nikki."

The marine tried to keep walking but Trish refused to back down, earning herself a sharp glare in the process. For the first time in her life she worried that Nicola might hurt her, then the soldier glanced away, running a hand through her hair. The anger evapourated leaving pure, unadulterated frustration in its wake.

"Do you have any idea how annoying that is? You acting like I can't do anything myself?"

Trish looked down at the floor, she hadn't thought of it that way before, she'd just wanted to help.

"No Nick, I don't. How can I when you don't tell me?" It was the soldier's turn to stare at the ground. "I'm sorry ok? Look I'll make you a deal, I'll try not to barge in and let you do things yourself, if you promise me you'll ask for help if you need or want it with anything ok?"

She looked back up and they matched each other's hesitant gaze, Nikki gave a tiny nod.

"Ok."

"Ok... and Nikki? I don't know what I'm doing here, this is all new for me too, just... Please tell me if I do something wrong... don't shout at me again."

...

Trish took off her nice warm winter coat as she entered the toasty, central heated apartment and went to turn the kettle on. She sighed in frustration as her hand reached automatically for a cup only to be met by empty air.

Nikki had promised to empty the dishwasher while she was at work today. It took only a moment to pull open the machine and pick up a mug but it was the principle of the thing that bugged her.

Sure she knew Nick still wasn't 100% and she made constant allowances for that, but this was well within the physio's recommended limits. At the end of the day if her girlfriend specifically said she'd do something was it so unfair to expect it to be done?

Drink made she wandered into the living room, expecting to find her partner sprawled in front of the TV, but the room was dark and empty. Annoyance faded into concern as she finally spotted her, sat outside on the small balcony, staring off into the distance.

Quietly sliding the glass door open, she shivered as she stepped out into the cold, a fine drizzle of rain hitting her face.

"Nikki? Why don't you come on in before you catch your dea-... self a cold." Trish suggested, catching herself part way through the sentence. She needn't have worried, Nikki didn't appear to have heard her. "Hey, you okay?"

The soldier blinked, refocusing on her.

"Hmm? Yeah, just thinking."

"Maybe the rain's a good thing after all, wouldn't want your brain to overheat." She teased lightly but there was no Shepard smirk, no outraged defense or witty comeback. "Credit for your thoughts?"

"Keep your money, trust me they're not worth it."

"Sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Ok..." Trish fidgeted slightly, she never knew how to handle these situations. "Well... If you ever change your mind I'm here for you."

"Seriously, I'm fine." Nikki's lips quirked up in an imitation of a wry smile as she reached towards Trish, entwining their fingers and issuing a small kiss to the back of the hand before adding almost as an after thought: "Thanks though."

"No problem... Can you at least come be maudlin inside? You're freezing."

The soldier glanced round as if only just noticing her surroundings.

"Yeah, right. Sorry."

...

Trish was used to spending months at a time apart, but she had never felt so alone in their relationship than when they were in the same room. Nikki had grown increasingly distant, both emotionally and physically. On a basic level she understood. All she knew about the 'incident' was that Shepard's squad had discovered something new and Nikki had been the only one to make it back.

Sometimes she questioned the validity of that statement. The times when she stared into her partner's eyes and struggled to see even a glimpse of her lover inside. The times she looked at that familiar face and saw nothing but a stranger.

Trish wasn't a psychologist but she knew what Nikki had been through would take a toll on any mind. Oh yes she understood alright... on a basic level.

That didn't stop it hurting on a personal level though.

They still shared a bed at night, but it felt like that was all they shared, and it was rare for Nikki to still be beside her when she woke. Sometimes she got up in the middle of the night to find the bed already empty, a light on under the study door. She didn't even bother going in anymore. She knew what she'd find and it was too painful to keep dragging herself through the same hopeless routine.

Nikki would be sat at the desk or stood by the window, a glass of whisky in one hand, the rest of the bottle within easy reach. If Trish attempted to hug her or hold her, make any sort of physical contact, comfort her in any way, Nick would shrug her off and wordlessly move to another location.

It didn't take long for Trish to take the hint and restrict herself to the doorway. It also didn't matter what she said: 'are you ok?' 'having trouble sleeping?' 'is there anything I can do?' 'nightmares again?' The answer always came back the same: "I'm fine."

Requests for her to get help, pleas for her to talk, either to herself or anyone else, preferably a professional, were always returned with: "I said I'm fine Trish". She knew she wasn't fine of course, did Nikki? Surely she must know too? Trish wanted to help but she just couldn't find a way in.

It wasn't all dark and bleakness though, they still had their good days.

Trish had been so hopeful the first day she came home and found flowers outside the door. She had no idea what changed within Nikki to allow it, why this was happening, particularly now. She had to take a moment to compose herself after reading the simple note: 'I'm sorry. I know I've been a nightmare to live with recently'.

Trish felt her throat tighten in emotion as she entered the house and she nearly broke completely when she found another set of flowers in the middle of the hallway: 'I love you'.

She didn't even notice the faint smell wafting through the house until she reached the kitchen and found Nikki cooking spaghetti bolognese. Sure it wasn't the most complex or time consuming dish in the world but it was the thought that counts and besides, Nikki's bolognese was amazing.

The marine turned at the sound of her entry, nervousness clear in her eyes and Trish smiled.

They actually talked over dinner. Sure it was meaningless small talk, Trish's job was too confidential and Nikki's potentially inflammatory for table talk and they could hardly talk about current affairs. Not when all the news was talking about was the Anhur rebellions.

Batarians and humans fighting over slavery, the Alliance and Hegemony both watching on with interest, both strictly prohibited from interfering in the independent planet's affairs by the council. That wasn't a topic Trish wanted to talk with Nick about, not when they so rarely talked. So instead they mostly discussed the latest biotiball news or the trailer for the new Blasto reboot.

"Leave the dishes." With a glass of wine in one hand, she gently tugged the marine closer. The kiss was hesitant and uncertain, Nikki still unsure of so much inside her own head. Trish could feel her floundering and tried to reassure her, both through the kiss and the hand gently caressing her cheek.

It seemed to work, Shepard's confidence doubling as her lips reached in for another go. They parted once more with tentative smiles, Trish flicking her eyes towards the stairs in silent question. She didn't even realise she was holding her breath until her partner gave a tiny nod.

It had been so long since they'd been intimate. Trish wanted nothing more than to jump her lover right now but she forced herself to take things slow, allowing Nikki to dictate a pace she was comfortable with. Their affections remained soft and tender as the soldier cautiously unbuttoned the brunette's blouse, pressing gentle lips to each newly exposed section of flesh.

A soft moan escaped her and Trish could wait no longer, pulling off Nikki's shirt in a single motion. She couldn't help the audible gasp and sympathetic wince of her eyes as she properly saw the scars on her marine's abdomen for the first time, neither could she miss the way Nikki tensed in response.

Fingers traced the textured craters left behind by third degree acid burns, followed by soft lips pressed against the join where ghastly wound and naturally smooth skin met before the soldier pulled away.

"I'm sorry Trish, I... sorry." Nikki sat down dejectedly on the end of the bed and Trish knelt on the floor in front of her, hand softly cupping her partner's face.

"Shh, it's okay... We don't have to do anything... Please just talk to me." She felt the marine retreat further in and mentally cursed herself.

"I'm fine."

She let her hand fall.

...

"Hey babe." Nikki answered the prearranged vid call promptly, looking smart and shiny in her perfectly pressed uniform.

"Hey sweetie. So... how was the first day back at work?"

"Weird." Came the response and Trish had to look pointedly at her to get her to expand. "Well, there wasn't much work involved for starters. It feels like half my day was spent with the M.O- err, the doctor."

Trish smiled, she always liked it when Nikki suddenly remembered she was speaking with a civilian and started translating. She probably should remind her girlfriend that she came from a military family and was raised on acronyms, it was rare for her to need the translations, but then again where would be the fun in that.

"Got given my work pattern as well. That's going to be even stranger to get used to, they're giving me weekends off like a normal person."

Trish snorted, not even thinking as a response left her mouth automatically:

"You and normal, there's two things I never expected to hear in the same sentence."

"Hey! You calling me abnormal?"

"Ah come off it Nick, you're not normal, you're not abnormal, you're just you. Face it, we'd both get bored if you were normal. So, anyway... does that mean you'll be coming home on the weekends?"

There was a shrug.

"Can do. If you've not had enough of me yet."

...

"Hey babe, what's the problem?"

Trish breathed a sigh of relief as Nikki stepped out of the Alliance marked skycar that had pulled up behind her stationary vehicle. For awhile she'd wondered if her girlfriend would actually show up or just send a tow truck in answer to her distress call.

"You're the mechanic, you tell me."

She had dared to hope that going back to work would help with whatever issues the soldier was still silently struggling with. The sense of purpose and steady routine focusing her mind, less free time resulting in less moping time. The presence of fellow marines providing her with a support group who had similar experiences and better understanding of what she'd been through than some civilian and just maybe she'd be able to talk to them.

Trish's dreams were short lived.

As the weeks passed she came to realise that the only thing about Nikki that had gotten better was her ability to hide the symptoms.

She watched the soldier pull a toolbox out the back and wave the Alliance driver away, walking round the front and sticking her head under the hood to take a look. Trish knew the exact moment that she located the fault, there was a deep audible exhale.

"Really Trish? We're not kids anymore."

"No, we're adults. So why don't you act like it and talk to me?"

"Oh the irony, she tells me to act like an adult after sabotaging her own car to lure me out here. Yeah, real mature Trish."

"What, back on Mindoir it was the only thing I could do to get you to stop and talk, so excuse me for hoping it might work again."

Nikki said nothing as she pulled a torque wrench out the toolbox and started fixing the vehicle.

"Look... I get why you don't want to talk to me about what happened, but can't you at least talk to me about other stuff? The day to day, what you're doing, how you feel, anything! Sometimes I feel like you're cutting me out of your life. That..." She trailed off with a sigh, not even sure if Nikki was listening. "It hurts you know? Seeing you like this and not being able to help, it physically hurts me Nick."

"Never meant to hurt you Trish." Came the soft reply but the marine didn't look up from her work.

"I know that Nick, but it's happened anyway. Whatever you're going through we can face it together. I'm not running Nick, I just need you to let me in."

There was a long silence before: "I'm not sure I know how."

The civilian breathed a small sigh of relief.

"We'll figure it out, the first step is you've got to want to."

"And the second step?"

"You've got to talk to me." There was the tiniest incline of the head and Trish decided to push her luck, start with something small. "So... How's work?"

"It's..." there was a shrug. "I don't know... boring I guess."

Trish kept her face neutral as her brain churned away in the background. Even though the whole point of this whole facade had been to get Nikki to talk, she hadn't truly expected it to get this far. Out of all the possible scenarios she'd envisioned, the potential responses Nikki could have given, 'boring' was not one she'd planned for.

"I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with it."

"So what are you thinking? Do you want to get out? Leave the Alliance?"

"Hell no! It's bad enough at the moment, stuck training apprentices. I think I'd go mad in the civilian sector."

Trish struggled to get her head round the words, you're not happy in but it would be worse out? How's that even... A sneaky suspicion entered her mind.

"You want to go back out there don't you? Active duty. Combat. The whole lot?"

Nikki paused. For a moment she looked as if she'd accidentally revealed classified information and was awaiting a death sentence for treason. Finally she admitted:

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

Trish's heart clenched in fear as she thought about her partner going back into harm's way.

"Why?"

"Because I..." There was a weary sigh, "I'm not sure I could explain it in a way that would make sense to you." She gave a wry smile before her tone suddenly became bitter. "Not that it matters. They won't even give me a damn ship posting and I know I passed the psych tests, for once in my fucking life I revised."

"Revised..." Trish repeated, barely able to process the meaning. All promises to try and stay calm during the discussion flew out the window as understanding struck.

"You stupid fucking idiot Nick! You didn't think that maybe you're not getting the postings you want because they know you're not being honest with them? You can't just give a shrink the right answers! That's not how it works! And what the hell are you hiding to need to lie in the first place?"

"Nothing! I'm fine."

There was no holding back the frustrated groan at the sound of that tired cliche but finally inspiration hit.

"Then prove it! If you really think you're fine then see a professional, just once! Answer every question truthfully and if they come out at the end of the session and tell me you're fine I'll never bring it up again."

The internal struggle was clear on her partner's face. It was obvious she'd finally made a dent in Nikki's defense but Trish could still sense she was about to lose.

"Why not Nick? Can't you at least tell me why you're being so stubborn about this?"

"Because I can't afford to have that shit on my record! What if they give me a medical discharge? Or ground me? Have me stuck on Earth postings for the rest of my life or..."

Bingo. Finally. Trish was both relieved to have the truth out in the open at last and disappointed in herself for not guessing the truth sooner. It was so simple, so obvious, so stupid...

"We're not living in the dark ages Nick. It's not an automatic discharge anymore. If they got rid of everyone at the first sign of PTSD they'd probably be down a whole fleet! You're strong Nick, you're a fighter and you're bloody stubborn, but you need to try a different tactic. It's not weak to admit you need help. Hell, after what happened they're probably just waiting for you to have a meltdown. Owning up and getting professional help might even get you a posting sooner."

"I don't know Trish, I don't know if I can take that risk."

"You don't have to go through Alliance channels, there are plenty of private sector psychiatrists who'll keep the details confidential, some of them are veterans too so you don't have to worry about explaining stuff to a civilian who might not understand."

She could tell Nikki had reached her limit for the day, if she kept pushing now she'd lose her again and undo all their progress, she needed to wrap things up.

"Just... Think about it Nikki ok? And I don't mean say you'll think about it just to shut me up and then instantly dismiss it. Actually think about it... Please? For me."

...

Author's note:

I know I've simplified a lot of complex subject matter here for the sake of the story and also taken a few liberties with regards to the timeframes of how long these things take to develop, be recognised for what they are and the people involved to finally be willing to seek help.

Having said that in the past couple of decades huge leaps have been made in the 'notice, accept, get help' process from averaging over 24 years in 1994, down to under 12 years in 2004 and apparently now averaging between 2 and 4 years for many Iraq and Afghan veterans so who knows, in the century plus wait we have until the events of Mass Effect are set maybe things continue to progress until a couple of months is a perfectly reasonable time frame for a soldier to accept they need help in. (Statistics courtesy of Combat Stress, the UK's biggest charity for veterans mental health issues).

I know a lot of Mass Effect stories like to throw in a PTSD story arc but I really can't see how Shepard can survive Akuze and just walk it off without side effects, it's the main reason I don't normally choose Akuze as the background for my Shepards. Anyway it was both interesting and challenging getting the balance right on this chapter, hopefully I succeeded, I had drafts ranging from Trish being a candidate for sainthood, never seeming to get fazed by Shepard's shit, right the way up to a far more explosive version where Trish walked out, Nikki fell even further apart and the next time they saw each other was when Trish was called to bail her out of jail. (Gives you an idea how long I've been working on this, that was the behind the scenes reason for Shep asking Trish to be an emergency contact in chapter 21).

None of which I expect many of you care about so moving on... I know you all like light, sappy Shep and I promise she's not gone completely. They will still be able to be dorks together even if they are both expected to behave increasingly adult. There will be joy!

Hope you're all still enjoying.