Time passed and life got better. Not magically all at once, but gradually, a piece at a time, through hard work and perseverance.
Monday to Friday Nikki lived on base, fixing broken engines and replacing burnt out clutches, occasionally getting to do a complete overhaul of a vehicle. She'd taken up boxing again in an attempt to get some sense of adrenaline flowing but it wasn't the same, not even when she started training with the mixed martial artists. The weekends mostly made up for it, leaving base after work on a Friday night and going home to spend time with Trish.
They were getting on a lot better now that they'd relearnt how to talk with each other. It had taken some time, adjusting their relationship to the new circumstances they found themselves in, working out new needs, expectations and boundaries, but it had been worth it. They were stronger than ever, and as for the sex? Well... That was absolutely, without a doubt, one hundred percent-
"Private." Shepard stated with a note of finality and a hint of warning when asked by her shrink.
Their sessions had dropped in regularity and he was content to conduct most of them over vid call instead of in person now, but he still liked her to check in and 'touch base' every now and again. Even if there wasn't anything in particular to discuss. She let her face relax again.
"It's good though. We're doing real good."
And it was true, life was good. Sure there were still nights when she'd wake in a cool sweat and have to quietly slip out to the study, trying her hardest not to disturb Trish on the way.
However where she'd once relied on alcohol as a crutch to see her through the darkness, now she'd hit the switch on the newly installed kettle instead.
The drinks cabinet still served its purpose but instead of a selection of whiskies, vodka and the odd brandy, it now contained her personal stash of assorted herbal teas. The taste and smell helping to ground her and override the memory of the unique stench of thresher acid that threatened to drag her mind back into the darkness.
A strange scent that reminded her of chlorine, honeysuckle and something else she couldn't quite identify.
She'd even risked potential ridicule by taking a couple of boxes of tea back with her to the barracks in case she was affected on a week night.
Occasionally she'd have a bad day, but she was in control.
Yep, life was good.
She was living the dream.
She was... fucking bored!
It was the one thing she hadn't really discussed with Trish. Not properly at least. Not since that first day.
Trish liked to think of it as 'breakthrough day' but for Nikki it would forever be remembered as 'mean nasty lady tricked me with childish tricks (and I still love her despite it) day'. The brackets may have been added as a result of a 'look' but she'd got a smile and a kiss out of it so it had been worth it.
Point was, Trish knew she wanted to get back out there, to do the parts of her job that weren't included in a civilian mechanic's job description. What Trish didn't know however was the amount of transfer requests to active duty units Nikki had submitted.
What she didn't know couldn't hurt her and after all they always came back the same: [We regret to inform you that the unit in question does not currently have any vacancies for someone of your rank and MOS]
It was frustrating as hell but there was nothing she could do about it. So she focused on her work and on her training, picking up as many amateur fights as she could along the way, and she ran.
Boy did she run.
She went for a run most days, sometimes twice a day, going out again in the evening if something pissed her off at work and she needed to clear her head. Normally however it was morning runs, before a shower and breakfast, unless she was scheduled for PT or morning formation of course. She wasn't willing to risk being late for one of them.
It was during one such run that she experienced the third crossroads moment of her life, although she didn't realise it at the time and it would sound absurd later.
1) Batarians share their cultural traditions with the humans of Mindoir,
2) Spat on by a thresher maw,
3) Went for a run.
Crazy but true.
Each of those moments had multiple possible outcomes that could have changed the course of her life and career, putting her on a completely different path to the one she was destined for. For once, at least, this particular defining moment didn't have an instant death option.
However she didn't know any of this at the time. She simply felt a presence behind her and saw a flash of red and white in her peripheral vision as someone fell into step beside her.
"Shepard, thought I recognised you."
It took a moment for her to identify the other jogger's voice. It had been over a year since she'd heard it last and their conversations had mostly been brief and always work orientated.
Anderson.
Some gut feeling told her this was no coincidental run in. She kept her pace even and her head facing straight, allowing the occasional glance out the corner of her eye.
"Sir."
"A little birdie told me you keep putting in transfer requests."
"It's ok to talk to animals Sir, but usually when they start talking back it's considered a bad sign."
Shit, why'd I have to go and say that? Back talking an officer's not going to improve my chances of getting out of here.
Fortunately he chuckled, merely upping the pace a fraction, Nikki matching the switch in tempo seamlessly.
"Just how badly do you want to get back out there Shepard?"
Her brow furrowed.
"Is this supposed to be a test Sir? Are you hoping for some pithy macho bull like 'I'd kill for it'? I don't know the secret handshake or the magic passcode but I want it Sir."
"Do you want it enough to go through hell at the Villa?"
She halted in surprise at his words, turning to look at him, but the N7 didn't stop for her or even slow down. She had to sprint to catch back up with him and as she dropped back down to his pace she noticed he'd upped it again.
"The Villa? You mean 'the Villa' villa? Rio de Janeiro?"
"That's the one. Vila Militar, home of the Interplanetary Combatives Training program. We'll be putting a fresh batch of trainees through the wringer in just over a month's time. Do you want in?"
"I thought only officers could be recruited for N-School?"
"Usually you'd be right. In over twenty years of ICT history there have been only two exceptions to that rule. We're willing to make you the third."
"Why?"
"Akuze."
She'd known the answer as soon as she'd asked the question. It was obvious really.
"You don't have to give me an answer this instant of course, take a couple of days to think about it and let me kno-"
"I'll do it."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"You know they won't take it easy on you because of your rank? If anything they'll come down harder on you."
"Thresher maw didn't take it any easier on the lower ranks either Sir. Don't worry, I can handle your training instructors."
"I'll do you one favour and one favour only Shepard… I won't tell the rest of them you said that." He didn't say anything else for a while, merely watching her appraisingly as they ran. "Ok. I'll arrange the paperwork."
...
"The Villa? Isn't that like super spec ops school or something?" Trish queried.
"That's the one." The mechanic smiled.
"Fuck, Nikki... Do you know what that means?"
"I know right, it's so-" She trailed off as her brain caught up to her ears and she processed the distinct lack of excited pride in her girlfriend's voice. Not even repressed, like how she used to pretend to be mock disappointed at not being told about her promotions sooner.
No, the emotion hiding in Trish's voice sounded remarkably close to... Panic.
Shepard suddenly felt an inexplicable feeling of dread that she'd somehow just messed up.
"Jesus Nick! Wasn't nearly dying once enough for you?"
"What? Ah, come on, it's not like that Trish. I thought we'd talked about this?"
"No, we talked about you going on active ship postings. Your old job back, combat and all. Not switching to a full time combat role. And not even just with the infantry but full on 'shit's hit the fan, everything's gone to hell, call in the N guys' level of combat."
"Well ok yeah, missions might be tougher. But you get better weapons, better training and sometimes you even get intel on the mission before you start it. You have no idea how often my mission briefs used to be: 'someone's activated a distress beacon, we have no idea why, go find out'. Sometimes the only intel we had was whether we'd be landing on a planet or docking with a ship. At least if spec ops dock with a ship they normally acquire the blueprints for it first... And none of this is convincing you in the slightest is it?"
She sighed as Trish shook her head. They sat in silence for a moment before Nikki broke it with another sigh.
"Well I'm here. I'm willing to talk. I'm keeping up my side of the bargain, I just... I don't know what to say Trish..."
"... Is this truly what you want to do?"
"...Yeah. I'm sorry Trish but yeah. I can't stay here teaching apprentices the quickest way to scrape off omni-gel and that screws are 'righty tighty, lefty loosey' my whole life."
"What if that wasn't your only two choices. What if you were out on a ship posting somewhere, the kind of job you wanted a couple of weeks ago, and this guy came up to you and offered you the villa, would you still want it then?"
There was a pause as the soldier gave it due consideration.
"I think I would."
"Ok then."
"What do you mean 'ok then'?" Nikki frowned.
"Ok then, do it."
"Hang on. A moment ago you didn't want me to do this."
It was Trish's turn to sigh as she stared at her partner a moment as if she was weighing something up in her head and waging an internal war with herself. She finally made a decision.
"Cards on the table time? Everything out in the open?"
There was a moment's hesitation, fingers tapping a small, fast, nervous rhythm, then Shepard gave a curt nod to continue.
"Akuze scared me Nick, I honestly didn't know if you were going to make it out that hospital room alive and I don't want to ever have to go through that again... but... You're a marine. I knew that when we got back together. Marine's run into danger, I can't just wrap you up in cotton wool the rest of your life, no matter how much I want to keep you safe."
Shepard looked contrite at her partner's confession, unsure how to respond.
"You could always try bubble wrap. Bubble wrap could be fun."
"You'd start running into walls just to see how many bubbles you could pop." Trish dismissed, but she couldn't help a light smile forming at the mental image.
"Probably." Nikki admitted before releasing another low exhale. "I hurt you without meaning to before Trish, I don't want to do it again... If you're not ok about this I need to know now. Tell me not to do it and I won't. Hell, tell me to leave the Alliance and I'll leave and... Well... I don't quite know what I'd do but I'd find something."
"You'd really give it all up for me?"
"I don't want to lose you Trish. I know I don't deserve you and I don't know how the hell you put up with all the crap I've dragged you through these past six months, so yeah... ask me to choose, my job or you, and I'll choose you. If that's what you want then all you got to do is give the order."
Trish allowed herself the faintest bittersweet smile before shaking her head with a sigh.
"You wouldn't be happy Nick."
The soldier shrugged as if it was of no importance.
"Just now, talking about the villa, before me and my big mouth had to ruin everything... that's the happiest I've seen you in months..."
Shepard opened her mouth to protest, but the civilian raised a hand to stop her, determined to get through what she wanted to say without interruption.
"You've always supported me, when I wanted this job but didn't think I had enough experience it was you that convinced me to apply anyway. You've never asked me to give up anything for you. The least I can do is the same. Just... promise me you'll be careful. Promise me no matter how bad things get you'll always talk to me, you won't shut me out again. Promise me if you find yourself no longer getting job satisfaction you'll find a way out... You promise me all that and I won't stop you Nikki."
"I promise I'll be as careful as I can be, I'll talk about whatever you want as long as it's not classified and if I stop getting job satisfaction I'll find a way out." Nikki repeated, Trish smiling at the additional subclauses.
It was close enough.
In fact it was better than a word for word repeat, it meant her girlfriend was actually thinking about what she was saying and making sure her promises were feasible rather than just going through the motions in order to appease her.
"Ok, good. Right... That's settled then." It was as far as she was concerned but she couldn't think of anything else to talk about and the silence was in danger of getting awkward. She knew if she didn't come up with a new topic Nikki would start overthinking the last one. "So... do you want make up sex?"
Nick laughed in surprise at the abrupt subject change, eyes lighting up in amusement before the grin faded, eyes roving her partner's face analytically.
"You're sure about this?"
"Sex? Of course, I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it."
Nikki rolled her eyes.
"That's not what I meant."
"I know... I'm sure."
A small smile curled hesitantly on the soldier's lips.
"I love you."
"I know." Trish reassured, voice certain and sure, before dropping to a playful whisper as she challenged: "Now prove it to me."