"Wow that looks awesome even from out here, you have the best ideas." Nikki opined as they turned into the carpark and properly saw the indoor waterpark, different coloured tubes sticking out of the rectangular building at all kinds of weird angles. "It has been far too long since I went swimming."
"You sure you remember how?"
"Oh please, I could swim before I could drive!" It wasn't the most impressive boast compared to say swimming before walking, but it was obviously supposed to be a tailored tease. Especially when the soldier continued with: "If anybody in this car is going to drown it's not going to be me. You sure you're going to be alright in there?"
"Don't worry about me, I had a good swimming teacher." Trish replied feeling generous. She could have kept the banter going longer but was in a hurry to get in there and have fun.
"Uhh, I disagree... not good, great."
"Sure, whatever you say 'Your Greatness'."
...
Knowing what they had planned for the day they had gotten dressed that morning over the top of their swimsuits. It made changing quicker and Trish was already shoving her stuff in a locker, joking about how slow Nikki was being, when their fellow swimmers left the changing rooms.
The familiar aroma of public pools trickled through while the door was open and Nicola suddenly cut off half way through her sentence. Trish turned to find her standing frozen and tense, eyes gazing unseeingly into the distance. She had a pretty good guess what was happening but no idea why.
Why here? Why now? She fought to quell the rising panic, that wouldn't help anybody, she just had to stay calm and do what she could to help. However there was a world of difference between knowing the theory of what to do in a hypothetical situation and putting it into practice when reality reared its ugly head.
"Nikki, are you alright? Can you hear me?" She had to override the instinct to reach out and touch her. She knew her girlfriend would never hurt her, but she was less sure if Nikki would actually realise it was her. Who knew what the soldier thought she was experiencing right now, her brain might translate her contact into that of an enemy.
"Nick? I don't know if you can hear me sweetie, or what you're seeing, but we're at the swimming pool. It's Trish, I'm here and we're at the pool Nick."
She couldn't think of anything else to say so she just kept repeating the same information over and over again with no idea if it was helping or not, but figuring it couldn't make things any worse.
At least, she hoped not.
Just as suddenly as she disassociated Nikki suddenly returned.
It wasn't like waking up from anesthetic though, she didn't just resume talking right where she cut off.
Instead her eyes returned to clarity, darting round before focusing on Trish. Her body breaking into a cold sweat.
"You ok?"
There was a nod even though her fingers were opening and clenching repeatedly with nervous energy.
"You just had a flashback didn't you?"
It was more of a statement than a question, there wasn't really any room for doubt, but there was still a second of hesitation as if Nikki was considering denying it before she gave another terse nod.
"Yeah... Shit, I thought I was past this."
Trish had known they weren't, even though it had been so long since Nikki last had a nightmare. The soldier's therapist had made it clear to both of them that there was no cure for PTSD, only management techniques.
She wasn't sure if that particular dose of reality would be welcome right now though and she certainly wasn't going to lie and offer false hope so she decided to ignore the topic completely and focus on something more useful.
"Do you know what triggered it?"
Nikki shook her head.
"No. I... Fuck... I don't want to lose my job Trish. I've come too far to lose my job to this bullshit."
She didn't even want to think about what it meant that THAT was Nikki's first concern.
"Don't worry about that right now. We just need to work out what the trigger was and then-"
"I DON'T KNOW!" The flash of anger came out of nowhere, Trish flinching slightly as her partner lashed out and punched one of the metal gym lockers in frustration before slumping down on the bench.
"I... Sorry... I just- I was talking to you and then I was on Akuze. There wasn't any warning. I was just there with the stench and the..." She looked up suddenly, "Smell, I thought I smelt acid."
"The chlorine?" Trish asked, her brain racing as she sat down cautiously on the bench opposite.
"I don't know... maybe... It's not quite the same smell but yeah, close enough I guess." She trailed off into silence and Trish didn't push her any further, giving her time and space but still keeping a close eye on her to make sure she didn't drift off again.
Eventually she had to intrude though, they were in a public place after all, they didn't have unlimited time alone.
"What do you want to do now?"
There was a shrug.
"I... I want to pretend this didn't just happen... I want to hide in a dark room where nothing can get me. I want to find the part of my brain that's so damn stupid and useless and cut it out my head and throw it away..."
Trish's concern multiplied at that one and she looked like she was going to interrupt, but Nikki kept speaking before she had a chance.
"I want to go in there and have a go on that awesome water slide. I want to punch the water repeatedly until it leaves me alone. I..." She finally trailed off, eyes flitting quickly between the corners of the room. Though whether it was to check for danger or reassure herself of her surroundings Trish wasn't entirely sure.
"Ok... Which do you want to do first?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to talk to Phil?"
"Not really."
"Nikki..."
"I know, I won't hide it. I've got a catchup session this week anyway. I just... Not right now. Please?"
"Ok..." She nodded her acceptance, they sat silent for a long time before Shepard randomly grumbled:
"I can't believe you're on first name terms with my shrink."
Trish felt the corner of her lip twitch up at that first real sign of her Nikki.
"I can't believe you're not. Wait, wait, I totally believe you're not."
It was Shepard's turn to smile although it quickly faded, her voice soft and insecure.
"You know... you can start running any time now."
"You're going to have to try a lot harder than that if you want to get rid of me." Trish stated and there was a flash of gratitude in Nikki's eyes before it faded to regret.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm so rubbish, that I've got to ruin everything and..."
"Shh sweetie, you've not got anything to be sorry about. If anything it's my fault, I chose to come here, I didn't think about-"
"No, you couldn't know... Hell, I didn't even fucking know... Stupid fucking brain, why couldn't my trigger be boiling cabbage or something? I like swimming! Why'd it have to be something I like?"
"I don't know. Maybe the universe hates you." Trish made damn sure her voice was obviously teasing on that one. Last thing she wanted was to accidentally make Nikki think the world was out to get her. "Or maybe it's making sure you have the motivation to seek help and get it sorted."
"What if there isn't anything that can help?"
"Then we go to the seaside to swim, or find ourselves a lake. We'll work something out. Just talk to Phil first see what he suggests."
Nikki nodded, too drained to argue, before suddenly glancing up with her brow furrowed in confusion.
"How has nobody else come in yet? We've been here ages. We should probably go."
"We should also probably get dressed."
"Ok, I'm definitely ill, I can't think of a joke."
Trish smiled anyway as she stood to get her clothes, a gentle touch on her wrist halting her, causing her to stare down into deep brown eyes.
"I haven't said thank you yet have I?"
"No, but you don't need to. Besides, you said sorry lots, it evens out."
"Still, thank you. I know... I know you didn't sign up for this when we started out."
"No I didn't, but like I said: you're not getting rid of me that easily."
...
Author's note: Back on track. This wasn't THE dark angsty chapter I promised you (that's coming up next) but it is one of the ones I had planned. For those wondering why chlorine is her trigger I point you to chapter 30 where thresher acid is described as having 'a strange scent that reminded her of chlorine, honeysuckle and something else she couldn't quite identify'. No it doesn't describe the smell of thresher acid in the ingame codex but I planned to write this chapter.
Must admit I'm slightly worried whether or not Nikki would be allowed to continue frontline service with a trigger like that, but lets just assume the other species don't use chlorine as a weapon and her nice shiny, non-Alliance shrink will help her 'break the link' on the trigger. If you don't like that answer I'll pull the 'it's the future, things change' card, after all scientists are already dabbling with experiments involving mice and lasers to try and physically remove links between memories and experiences and learned responses while keeping the individual memories preserved.
If that still fails I'll pull the 'it's Bioware's fault' card; they're the ones who gave default Shepard the sole survivor background and then made them have to deal with thresher maws in every single game.