Warning: This chapter deals with some dark and heavy subject matters. There's nothing graphic, all the nasty stuff happens off screen, but the characters have to deal with the aftermath and it is something of an emotional rollercoaster.

I don't think it needs to have a trigger warning, but at the same time I am aware that I have been lucky in my life so far and don't have any triggers of my own with which to judge.

As previously stated, events don't happen on screen, nor are they described, they are merely discussed as having happened and then reacted to. While I believe the chances of being triggered are low, it is certainly emotionally draining.

For those who feel able, I recommend reading the chapter 'blind' as it were. It is certainly more impactful when events unfurl without warning. However for those who have non war based triggers, I will include a note at the end listing the 'dark topics' included. You can make your own mind up whether you'd rather be pre-warned.

"I'll put in for emergency leave, I can-"

"Nikki, no!"

"But-"

"Don't you dare! You've only got another two weeks until you graduate, don't throw it all away because of this. Besides, even if you left right now it would still take a full week before you got home."

"One week's better than three. I should be there for you Trish-"

"Damn it, this is exactly what I didn't want to happen! I shouldn't have told you Nick, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have distracted you, I don't want you-..."

"Don't want what? Me?"

"Shit, no Nick. That's not what I mean sweetheart! If I had a magic button that teleported you here in a minute flat I'd be spamming it so hard right now!"

"Sorry that was... What do you need me to do?"

"Just stay on the line?"

The soldier nodded even though the call was audio only.

"Ok, I can manage that..." Shepard hesitated, this conversation really would be better in person rather than over the phone. Or never. Never needing it would certainly be her preferred choice but that was no longer an option. "Feel free to tell me to go to hell if you don't want to talk about this right now but... what do you want to do about it?"

"I don't know, I just... I don't know..."

"Way I see it we only got three choices. You can give birth and then put it up for adoption, keep it, or have an abortion."

"What would you do?"

"I'm sorry babe, I really wish I could help but you've got to make this decision yourself. You're the one who's got to live with it. I don't want to influence you and then you regret your decision, then you end up blaming and resenting me and... Whatever you decide, I'll support you 100%"

"We've never even discussed having children..."

"Well, I wouldn't say I was exactly opposed to the idea of having them one day. Ok, so maybe 'one day' is a little closer than I thought, but I can adapt, if that's what you want?"

"And it wouldn't bother you that it's not yours, that it... that it..."

Nikki yearned to make a joke. Something along the lines of: 'babe, I've been trying to get you pregnant for years', or 'I don't know how to tell you this but I've not got the right parts'.

Such flippancy had long ago ingrained itself as part of her personal defense mechanism and coping strategies, but she knew it wasn't the right response to help her partner so she bit back on the urge.

"Trish, listen to me! The only thing it would ever be is your kid. I can love your kid no problem. But what I don't want is for every time you look at it for you to be reminded of that horror, that bastard, that..." She trailed off as she felt the impotent rage rise inside her and she tried to quell it.

All her training, everything she'd done and all the crap she'd suffered, she liked to tell people it was to protect humanity's interests and make the galaxy a safer place. That was the official line after all and it stopped them bothering her for a deeper answer.

There was also the fact she was good at it and happened to enjoy it, among many other reasons, but when days were bad it helped make all her sacrifices feel worthwhile. Now she wondered what the hell the point was if she couldn't even protect the woman she loved.

To think that someone could, that someone had... she couldn't even think the R-word right now without wanting to commit grievous bodily harm.

"You still there Nick?"

"Yeah, I'm still here. Sorry, I just feel so useless on the other side of the galaxy. You alright though?" She winced as soon as the words left her mouth. Of course she's not, talk about a stupid question you fucking klutz.

"I wouldn't go as far as alright, I feel like shit. I'm coping though. Mum's here, she's been great. I just keep thinking if I... if only..."

"Hey, enough of that. This was not your fault."

"I know, I really do, but I can't help it. I just keep replaying it in my head, over and over."

Nicola knew what that felt like, being trapped in your own personal hell of memory and regret, but despite her experiences she couldn't think of anything to say or do right now to make it better.

"You sure you don't want me to come back?"

"I'm sure."

"Ok. If you change your mind you let me know. I'm serious, I'll drop everything if you need me."

"I know you would. Can we... Can we talk about something else please? I don't want to think about this right now."

"Sure..." Her head was swirling, still trying to process the news, but she desperately tried to think of a lighter topic to provide Trish with a break and distraction. Aware that her partner had probably thought of nothing else since the incident. "... Do you think Judy would like a stuffed pyjak?"

"Probably. Why have you seen one somewhere?"

"Yeah loads, I just need to find a good taxidermist."

"NIKKI!"

...

"Trish, you still awake?" Shepard asked quietly after several long minutes of story telling had passed by without interruption. Shallow breathing was the only sound heard in reply. "...Ok, if you don't say anything I'm going to go... I love you babe, no matter what. Take care of yourself alright? Night..."

The soldier disconnected from the call and gave a long, low exhale. She pulled herself to her feet but had to take a moment, leaning against the table to collect herself.

"FUCK!" Her fist snuck out, thumping the surface as she finally gave voice to the tumultuous emotions that she'd kept bottled up inside her for the last two hours in order to be strong for Trish.

She felt an almost overpowering urge to sweep her arm across the desk and knock everything over. To break something. To let loose her frustrations on some inanimate object that couldn't feel pain and utterly destroy it.

Unfortunately the only item present was the emergency contact comm set and even in her current state she was rational enough to know that was a bad idea. If she trashed that then Trish wouldn't be able to get hold of her if she changed her mind.

She tugged a hand through her hair, focusing on her breathing.

She certainly wasn't the first soldier to find out their partner was pregnant while on deployment and she wouldn't be the last.

At least she got to skip a few of the usual uncertainties that plagued her colleagues when they found out. She knew with a hundred percent certainty that she wasn't the father and was just as certain that Trish hadn't cheated on her. She nearly gave in to maniacal laughter at the incongruity that both those statements could be true at the same time.

Maybe if the call had been about some asari at work getting pregnant and claiming it was Trish's, or that she'd been diagnosed with something nasty and Nick should get herself checked out just in case, then maybe she'd entertain the notion of doubt, but this?

No way.

Not even if she'd been completely legless was there ever any chance of Trish giving consent to a human male.

Not that she had been. Merely walking home alone after staying late at work. Something she'd done a hundred times before without any problem.

One thing Nikki couldn't help wonder about though was whether or not her partner would even have told her if not for the pregnancy. After all it had happened weeks ago and she was only finding out about it now.

The explanation that Trish didn't want to distract her was plausible enough. N6 training was dangerous and difficult enough to pass even if you were fully focused, but then what? Would Trish have told her as soon as she got home or waited? Not wanting to destroy the triumphant mood. What if she kept waiting and waiting for a suitable moment to bring it up and it never arrived? How long would it have remained secret?

Nikki suddenly realised she wasn't even close to getting her head on straight and mentally bitch-slapped herself before striding out the communications tent, only to find Anderson waiting outside. She grudgingly accepted that she'd rather it was him there than one of the other instructors but she really wasn't in the mood for condolences or platitudes.

Fortunately he must have read her mind, skipping such trite questions as 'are you alright?' or 'what happened?' in favour of the standard emergency contact protocol during villa training:

"Do you want to go home?"

She shook her head with a slight scoff. "Want? Yes. Gonna? No."

He nodded briskly before clapping her on the shoulder.

"You need anything just ask. Whether it's a sparring partner, some range time or just a good old fashioned chat..." He paused a second, then when she didn't say anything he decided to add: "Though if you need a shoulder to cry on I may have to delegate."

It did the trick, a small snort breaking out before she could stop it and a wry smile gracing her lips.

"Thanks Sir, appreciate it."

...

Trish still worried whether or not she'd made the right choice. The decision plagued her every day. It was too late to change her mind now though.

The soft, gentle and above all completely unconscious smile that appeared on Nikki's face every time her fingers brushed over the bump (which was often) or eyes flicked over to check on her (which was even more often) was enough to quell most of those concerns, but it still couldn't completely ease her nerves.

She was about to become a single mum. Oh sure, she wasn't actually single... but she might as well be.

She had no doubt Nikki would make a great parent when she was home, but that wasn't all that often, she was too busy off being a hero. Trish had no doubt her girlfriend would resign if she asked her to, but she didn't want to ask. She was also pretty certain Nick would suggest it herself if Trish brought up her concerns. It was a nice thought but Trish knew her marine too well, she'd miss it. Maybe not straight away, but at some point she'd regret it if she left.

It was bad enough that her own life had been turned upside down because of that bastard, she wouldn't let it impact on Nikki anymore than she had to.

It would all work out. It had to.

Her own father had always been away on deployment and her mother had managed to raise her just fine. It just meant she appreciated the time with him all the more.

And then he died.

She quickly banished that thought. It was alright to be nervous about this, everybody got nervous during a pregnancy, even normal pregnancies that weren't as a result of-

"So... I'm not quite up to speed on the whole parenting thing. Is there a specific time we're supposed to have the talk?"

Trish smiled at the intrusion into her thoughts. Nick always seemed to sense when she was drifting into darker territory and pulled her back before she could get too lost in there.

"Which talk?"

"You know... names and stuff."

"Why, you got any ideas?"

"Not really... We could just call him 'kid' for the first three years, let him pick his own name, or 'you'. 'You' would work."

"Pretty sure they make us choose something for the birth certificate." She paused, not entirely sure how Nikki would react to her next suggestion. "I was thinking maybe Thomas?"

A swirl of emotion flitted over the soldier's face, too fast for even Trish to decipher before it settled into a small, sadness tinged smile.

"What about your dad? He could be Frederick Thomas... Stewart."

"Oh no! I don't think so Shepard!"

The sudden outburst clearly threw the marine. Despite being used to nearly everybody else she knew calling her by her surname, her girlfriend only used it when she was in trouble or wanted something done right this instant. She glanced down at the bed, fiddling awkwardly with the duvet covers before meekly looking back up.

"Umm, so err... I'm not sure if you're mad at me or want the kid to have my surname?"

Trish's annoyance evapourated immediately, replaced by a smile. That was another conversation they'd never had before. A subject they should probably discuss sometime. First however she needed to make something abundantly clear.

"I'm sorry Nick, I didn't mean to shout at you... Can we blame it on hormones? It doesn't matter which surname we use, the initials will be the same. I don't really want my son to have the initials F.T.S."

"Why not?"

"Really Nikki? You're the big marine, I'm surprised you're not laughing already. 'Fuck That Shit'?"

The soldier's lips curled into a grin then.

"Well, maybe if you're quick you'll be able to marry a Williams or a Watson before he's born. Then he'll be 'For The Win'. I know a Wachowski you might like."

"I've got no problem with having an S at the end... We don't have to go with Thomas if you don't want to."

"Well we're not having Bill or Ben, I have enough B.S in my life. What do you think kid?" Nikki slid down so her face was level with Trish's stomach, placing her hands on the bump along with a tender kiss. "Do you want to be Thomas Frederick?"

Her eyes flicked back up to Trish's face and a moment later Trish felt a particularly heavy kick. Before she could say anything, Nikki's face lit up with the widest grin she'd ever seen.

"I felt that... I actually felt that." Her voice was low and full of awe as she knelt on the floor looking up, eyes wide with amazement. "Hey there little guy, can you do that again?" She laughed, completely enthralled as she moved her hands around, almost like a game of pat-a-cake, or a boxing coach working the focus mitts.

Trish smiled at the sight until she had to groan at the feeling.

"Err, Nick? Any chance you could wait until our son is on the outside before you teach him to fight?"

A guilty look crossed the marine's face as she glanced up.

"Sorry." Her attention was quickly drawn away again however, pressing yet another kiss to the bump. "You hear that Thomas? You got to stop now, let mummy get some rest... No no no no, that question didn't need answering, stop kicking... Hey when you get out of there we're gonna have to work on the whole doing what you're told thing... Look, please just stop before mummy kicks my ass."

Trish couldn't help but laugh at the panic on Nicola's face as the small life inside her insisted on making its presence known.

...

"I don't want to go back to work." The soldier grumbled, flopping face first onto the bed despite having already taken the dog for a run, bringing Trish breakfast in bed, showering and getting dressed into her uniform. Trish smiled.

" 'Fraid you got to sweetie... Unless you want me to shoot you? Then you can get a medical discharge and I get to keep you here as my personal slave."

"But then you'd be a slaver and it would be my job to put you down."

"No it wouldn't, you'd already be discharged, keep up slowpoke." Trish wished they could have had this little bout of silliness yesterday when they had plenty of time to keep it going, rather than now when there was a risk of Nikki missing her shuttle. She didn't want that. Well... mostly... partly... rationally with a tiny little bit at the back of her mind.

The larger part of her brain would have been quite happy to kidnap Nikki and keep her here beside her forever. She doubted the spec ops soldier would put up much of a fight. Especially with the way she'd managed to maneuver herself closer, hand ending up in its now almost default position on Trish's belly. Her voice was low as she murmured:

"I can hardly believe that the next time I see you Thomas is going to be on the outside."

It did seem a little surreal, Trish silently agreed, as she entwined their hands.

"Promise you'll send me pics?"

"Of course! I'm almost insulted you felt the need to ask. I'm gonna send so many baby Thomas pictures that your ship's comm system will crash."

Nikki smirked in response.

"Not just him, you too. I want to see both of you."

"You realise I'm going to look awful right?"

"Lies, you'll look beautiful."

"Nobody looks good during labor, it's messy and ugly and horrible."

"Nonsense. I've seen you look beautifully tired, beautifully stressed and beautifully enraged. No matter what, you're always beautiful to me." Love and admiration shone out of blue and brown eyes alike, even as Trish tried to refute her partner's claims:

"Hmm, maybe I should give the medical corps a call, I think there might be something wrong with your eyesight. You have seen me in the mornings right?"

"Mmhmm, beautiful mess."

...

There wasn't a power in the universe that could have stopped Shepard when she heard the news. Not even Trish telling her not to come would have worked this time.

Not that Trish had called.

That had been the first warning that something was wrong. When she'd answered the call and heard Molly's voice when it was still far, far too early to be good news.

They'd been on shore leave on some backwater colony called Ferris Fields when she found out. She knew what she should have done; filled out a form for emergency leave and submitted it to her CO for approval. That would have taken time though and there was a cargo ship bound for Earth due to depart in less than two hours.

She barely gave it a second thought, slipping onboard with ease and stowing away without the crew being any the wiser. After all, her villa skills had to come in handy for something.

First thing she did was disable the locator on her omni-tool so she couldn't be traced, then she spent the next several days of transit flipping between denial and conducting scientific experiments into whether or not it was possible to will something into being.

Not the universe rewinding and fixing the mess, she wasn't naive enough to think she could do that, no matter how hard she wished it. But something small like the ship moving faster? Surely she had enough will power to force that one through?

FTL speeds felt far too slow right now. Her impatience continued upon making planetfall. Instead of waiting around for a plane, she got hold of a car and drove, stopping for traffic lights and pretty much nothing else until she reached home.

...

It hurt more than thresher acid.

A tiny part of her brain tried to tell her that if a maw popped up right now and spat on her she might rethink that statement but it was immaterial.

Right here, right now, it fucking hurt.

Sure she didn't think she was going to die like she had with the worm, but that just meant there wasn't a foreseeable end to the pain in the near future. She hadn't felt heartache like this since those last few days on Mindoir.

Still, she kept her feelings hidden. Merely tightening the hug as Trish broke down in her arms.

She couldn't think of any words of comfort as the grief poured freely down her partner's face. No reply to the cries of anguish, not until they finally resolved themselves into a faint mantra of: 'I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry'.

"Shhh, hey, this isn't your fault babe. None of this is your fault. I'm just glad you're ok."

It was like a switch was flipped in the civilian, the marine left helpless against the sudden rage, fists pummeling weakly against her chest.

"That's all you care about? That I'm ok? What about Thomas? I bet you're glad he's dead. This must make things easier, it must be so fucking great for you. You never wanted him, he wasn't yours. Well he was my son!"

"Trish, that's not what-" She didn't stand a chance against the flood of raw emotion. She could have stopped the ineffective assault easily enough, but she barely even felt it. Rooted to the spot in shock, even as her partner turned towards the stairs with a final cry of:

"Just leave me alone!"

Nikki finally broke from her trance, taking the steps two at a time as she chased after her, reaching the bedroom door just in time to see the lock flick to red.

"Seriously!? You know I can hack doors as well, right?"

"Go away Nikki."

She nearly ignored her, reaching for the omni-tool on her wrist until she heard a final word whispered right on the edge of hearing: "Please..."

Shepard felt her heart ache all over again at that tiny sound, warring with herself whether or not to obey.

She finally slumped to the ground, back to the wall, angrily brushing away the moisture that dared to gather at the bottom of her eyes seeking an escape.

Her brain whirred, developing and dismissing potential courses of action until she felt a nudge on the back of her hand, glancing down to find Judy watching her with doleful eyes. She reached down automatically to stroke the canine behind the ears. Unable to withhold a slight smile as she caught a soft spot and Judy's leg twitched uncontrollably.

"Alright, come on pup. Let's go for a walk."

...

'Walk' had quickly turned into jog, had turned into attempting to escape life's problems by outrunning them and leaving them all behind.

Running usually helped clear her thoughts, but there was still too much whirling around inside her head. She tried focusing on her breathing and her stride. On each foot striking the ground, pace quickening as she did so until Judy was struggling to keep up.

A chime on her omni-tool had her pulling to a halt.

A quick glance was enough to reveal it wasn't who she so desperately wanted it to be.

[Shepard, I heard. For what little it's worth I'm sorry. Anybody asks I scooped you up for a classified op in the Traverse, already informed your CO. I'll let you know when I'm back in Alliance space. Don't let me regret it. Anderson]

Nikki was stunned. Sure he'd taken her out on a few more missions since Anhur, and they always had each other's backs in the field, but she'd never expected anything like this. He was an Alliance legend, one of the first villa graduates, an N7 for almost as long as she'd been alive. It didn't make sense for him to risk his career for her.

It was humbling and a little scary. Although a far nicer wake up call to reality than MPs turning up at the house to drag her away. She didn't have a clue how to answer though. She gave her panting companion a quick head rub before turning round.

It was something to think about on the way home.

...

"Trish, can we please just talk?" The bedroom door was still locked when she got back. Shepard did a quick scan for life signs to make sure her partner hadn't snuck out a window or something, she didn't want to waste her breath talking to an empty room.

"Come on babe, I know you're in there... At least come get something to eat." She was beginning to get a better perspective on the hell she'd dragged the civilian through after Akuze, but just because she could see the similarities in behaviour didn't mean she appreciated them.

She did remember how she just wanted to be left alone though. How she'd resented what at the time had felt like Trish's continuous pointless intrusions.

With a sigh she left to shower, coming back again an hour later with a tray laden with a mixture of old favourite foods and new cravings. She didn't even try to speak this time, merely placing her offering on the floor, taking a picture and turning to leave as she sent the photo to Trish's omni-tool with a message:

[I'll be downstairs if you need me. Please eat something]

...

"Nikki?"

The soldier looked up from her spot on the couch, curled up with the dog watching she-didn't-even-know-what on the tele. Trish stood in the doorway, arms wrapped around her stomach.

At some point night had fallen and the flickering TV was the only light in the dark room, Shepard turned her attention back to the screen.

"I'm sorry, I never should have said that. I... Can you ever forgive me?"

Nicola nodded but said nothing.

"Please don't give me the silent treatment. I know I deserve it but can you just shout at me if you're mad?"

A small part of her briefly considered letting her partner stew, paying her back for the treatment of the last few hours. Guilt followed immediately after that thought and she sighed, speaking in a low voice:

"I forgive you... and I understand, I really do. I don't blame you for anything. Can't just pretend like it didn't hurt though." She finally looked back at her, and the civilian could see the same pain in those bone dry, deep brown eyes as was contained in her own tear stained face. "I know Thomas wasn't mine Trish, no part of me in him or him in me but... damn it if I wasn't going to raise him like he was. I was all in on this one. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for him."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Me too." Nikki raised her arm and Trish took the silent invitation, joining her on the couch and snuggling in close, clinging on tight as they sought comfort in each other's arms.

Dark subject matter warning: As promised, major spoiler alert and potential (though hopefully not) trigger warnings for the chapter are as follows: discussions around and reactions to (no descriptions of) sexual assault, unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage.

If you were triggered by any of it please let me know and I will make the opening notes warning stronger.