"Trish wants to plant one of those memorial trees."
"What do you think about it?" Dr Phil Holstein asked and wasn't at all surprised when the woman in front of him shrugged. Shepard talked a lot more openly with him now then when they first met but if she truly decided she didn't want to answer a question there wasn't much he could do to make her.
That was the problem with spec ops soldiers, SERE training not only made them able to withstand physical torture but also taught them to recognise and ignore the more subtle manipulation techniques that his profession often used to make people want to open up. In fact she was more likely to clam up completely if she spotted them in play.
There was even a rumour that the later villa graduates had courses with former asari commandos, learning to put up effective mental defenses in case anyone ever forced a meld to try and steal intel. Non-consensual melds were one of the greatest violations of asari law, but considering the types of people N-forces went up against it made sense for their soldiers to be prepared for it in case of capture.
"Well?" He prodded.
"If Trish thinks it'll help her then we do it. Simple as that."
"You're concerned it won't help." It was definitely spoken as a statement rather than a question.
"I didn't say that!" She hadn't had to. Phil gave her a pointed look but said nothing and she sighed as she glanced down to her hands. "I don't know. I guess... I guess I'm worried she'll fixate on the tree instead of moving on."
"That's always a possibility," he agreed, "but a slim one. Most of the time these memorials help people find closure, a way to say goodbye. It might even help you too. All you talk about is how Trish has been affected by this, what Trish wants, but how do you feel? What do you want?"
"What I want doesn't matter."
"Of course it does."
"Yeah well... what I want is impossible... Or illegal..." Nikki trailed off and they sat in silence for a while, the soldier desperately trying not to fidget under that damn shrink gaze of his. "I know what you're trying to do doc and you know it pisses me off."
"I get paid the same regardless of whether or not we talk, but I can't help if you don't open up."
"Fine. Thomas was like a light, the one good thing to come from a shitty situation. With him gone, all we got left is the darkness. The pain. An endless supply of might have beens. Is that what you want to hear?"
"I just want the truth, what do you want?"
Shepard glared before making a helpless gesture with her hands.
"I want to rewind time. Fix everything. Make it so Trish doesn't have to go through this pain. Like I said, impossible... I'm not even sure how far back I'd go. I want the kid back, to raise him, have a family again. Then other days I wish he'd never existed in the first place."
"That's an understandable response. And the illegal part? Last I heard there weren't any actual laws against time travel." Phil already had a pretty good idea of the answer but still needed it to be said out loud.
"I want to find the bastard responsible for all this and rip him limb from limb for what he did to Trish. I get so pissed whenever I think about it, never wanted to kill someone so bad before."
"And do you think Trish would want that? For you to kill for her?"
There was an involuntary snort.
"You forgetting something doc? Trish ain't stupid, she knows what I do for a living."
"There's a difference between doing your job and vigilantism."
"I know. I didn't say I liked feeling this way. Just giving you your facts. Hell, it's probably a good thing I don't know who did it. I mean... I don't want him to get away with this... I want him caught before he does it again to someone else but, right now? The wound's still too raw... I'm not sure I trust myself not to do something I'd regret if I had that information... All in all, I think I'm better off focusing on Trish's wants and needs at the moment."
Phil nodded, he would have to keep an eye on this, make sure she didn't bottle it up and let it fester, but it was a good first airing and he could tell from her body language that he wouldn't get anymore on that topic today.
"And on that note, how are you two getting along on the intimacy front?"
"We're still in the trial and error phase, working out what's safe and what's not. She wants to, I want to, but you don't always get what you want."
...
"Get off me you bastard!"
Nikki immediately stopped everything she was doing and backed away, giving her partner space.
"Trish babe, it's me. It's Nikki."
The older woman was shivering and Nikki wanted to gather her up in her arms and hug her tight until everything was better. She knew that was the worst thing she could possibly do right now though. Trish wouldn't feel protected but trapped, so she kept her distance.
"Nikki?"
"I'm here. Do you want me to initiate Op Bubbles?"
The smile that had accompanied the name when they first came up with the response plan was missing, but Trish nodded and Nick reached carefully over into the bedside cabinet and pulled out a scented candle, making sure it was the right flavour before lighting it and padding quietly out to the bathroom.
She started running water for the bath before hunting down more of the same candles and setting them up around the room, adding a relaxing bubble bath to the water. She dipped a hand in to check the temperature before turning the taps off and heading back out to get Trish.
"It's ready for you." She held out a hand, offering but not demanding her partner to take it and refusing to take offense when Trish ignored it, pulling herself to her feet alone. "Do you want me to send Jude in?"
"No." Trish shook her head but then hesitated, "-do you want to come in?"
"As long as you want me to, sure. Just tell me what you need."
...
"Sorry." It was the first time Trish had spoken since she'd submerged herself underneath the water, resurfacing to engage in her little ritualized washing away of bad memories.
Nikki could appreciate the symbolism but knew if she tried something like this after one of her flashbacks it would just piss her off and put her even more on edge. Everybody was different however and what mattered was that somehow this seemed to help Trish relax and ground herself.
"It's alright. At least we know not to try that one again."
"I'm sorry."
Nick knew her partner was about to trap herself in a cycle of guilt and despair. In the past she would have simply said 'you're forgiven' and given her a kiss to prove it, but she was highly aware of the fact Trish still hadn't touched her since they entered the bathroom. She wanted to make sure Trish was the first to reinitiate contact in case she inadvertently triggered her again.
Still, she had to do something to help break the cycle.
"Well, so long as we're apologising for things then I should probably mention... I ate that chocolate cake in the fridge."
"You didn't? That was supposed to be your birthday cake!"
Out of sight, behind Trish's shoulder, Nikki smiled to herself as her partner took the bait.
"I thought you said you were gonna bake it yourself this year?"
"I did, that was it! It took me months to source all of the ingredients!"
"Oh... Well it looked so professional I assumed you must have bought it."
There was an exasperated groan from the civilian.
"Are you angry at me babe?"
"Yes! Out of all the edible things in this house, why did you have to eat that?"
"I was hungry... and it was calling to me. Just sat there taking up space, looking all tempting like."
"Did you at least enjoy it?"
"Enjoy what?"
"The cake."
"I don't know, I haven't had any yet."
"But you just said-" Trish cut off mid sentence as she turned in the tub and caught sight of her marine's teasing face.
"April's fools."
Lips twitched at the corners as annoyance and amusement fought for dominance in those pale blue eyes, but there was no more sign of the haunted darkness within and that's all Nikki cared about right now. Anything else was a bonus.
"You're a couple of days late for that."
"It's still April."
"You know that's not how it works."
A shrug and a smirk were the only response, but concern suddenly entered Trish's features as she noticed the goosebumps on her still naked partner's body as she knelt on the floor outside the tub.
"You must be freezing!" She reached a hand towards Nikki's arm to test her theory and while the soldier had no intention of shying away from the touch, she didn't want to deal with another wave of guilt either.
"What, this? This is nothing. I remember one time, in N training, we had to run naked across Siberia."
"Liar."
"What me, lie? When have I ever lied to you?"
"Uh, the cake."
"Wait, the cake is a lie?"
"Bosh'tet."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nikki questioned with a chuckle.
"It... I don't actually know. It's a quarian curse word, but I don't know the exact translation. It's aimed at people or things a lot though. I just liked the sound of it."
"Hmm, Bosh'tet. It is a good word. When'd you meet a quarian?"
"I know what you're doing you know."
"Really? What's that?"
Trish shook her head, refusing to answer, knowing Nikki would have some smart-ass comeback ready to deny her accusation with, instead she simply reached over and entwined both their hands.
"Thank you... for being you."
Nikki gave a reassuring squeeze.
"You're welcome. Now, about this quarian... you seem to be avoiding the question, do I need to get jealous?"
Finally there was a laugh.
"Bosh'tet."
"Yeah but I'm your bosh'tet... Whatever the hell that means." They fell into a companionable silence, Trish finally relaxing enough to close her eyes.
"I don't think I can stay here Nick."
"Well, I didn't want to mention it but you are starting to prune... you're not talking about the bath are you?"
Trish shook her head.
"This house, my job. Everything hurts too much. I'll just be sat at work and out of nowhere I'll get an anxiety attack about how I'm going to get home, or I have to go into the study for something and I remember about how we were going to turn it into a nursery for Thomas. Everybody keeps saying I need to give it time and I'm trying but-"
"Well I'm not everybody. I'm not going to say that. I don't want you to give this time, I want you to give it thought. Aldrin Labs has offices in other cities, you can get a transfer. Think seriously about whether or not you think it'll actually make a difference, and where you'd rather be. Once you're certain you've made a decision you'll be happy with then we can move. Just don't say 'anywhere but here'."
"Pretty sure you're supposed to protest and argue more."
"Why? You've got to do what's right for you, and it's not like my job roots me down here, I'm hardly ever home anyway."
"You're not just agreeing to make me happy are you?" Trish checked.
"No. Well a little, but not like that, if I disagreed I'd tell you. For example, I don't want you to switch to the head office on Armstrong. Luna's a great place but it wouldn't be fair on Judy. The others? New York, Mumbai, Tokyo, I got no problem with any of them."
"What if I didn't want to stay with Aldrin anymore? If I wanted to go offworld? Brand new start." Trish was relieved when her partner didn't answer immediately, quietly thinking through the implications before giving her response.
"No space stations. It's got to have breathable atmosphere, no planetwide environmental hazard warnings. I want to be able to get home and take the dog for a run without having to get into protective gear. Other than that, if you're happy and Jude's happy then I'm happy."
"That's it? That's your complete criteria?"
"I mean, it would be nice if it was within two relay jumps of Arcturus, that way there's more chance I'd be able to pop round to visit when I get shore leave and still get back before they class me AWOL, but it's not essential."
Trish still seemed hesitant and Nikki sighed.
"Look, the galaxy's a big place and you've got the brains to do anything you want, you can go anywhere. So… do some more research, narrow it down to the top three or four that you like and then we can talk it through some more. Or… just start applying for jobs you like the sound of and see where they send us. Plan?"
"Ok. Plan."
"Good, cos this floor is cold and my leg's gone to sleep."
Trish laughed.
"Is it as bad as Siberia yet?"
"Don't know, I did my cold training on Antibaar..." Shepard suddenly flinched, closing her eyes just in time to avoid the water that hit her face. She reopened them with a grin, her own hand dipping into the tub. "Careful babe, don't start something you can't finish."