Chapter 15

As each hour passed with no change in Nathan's condition Elizabeth could feel the hope fading within her. She had prayed to God, poured out her heart to Nathan and administered to his needs throughout the morning, only allowing someone else to take over when Abigail gently reminded her that it was her son's birthday.

"Oh, my sweet boy! He must wonder what has happened. How bad a mother I must be to have forgotten." She sounded almost broken by this point, her mind not having been able to think about anything other than the man lying in the bed in front of her. "Do you think God is punishing me, Abigail? I haven't been myself with so many people for some time now and I know I have left Little Jack with others far more often than I should have? Does God think I didn't learn to be a better person after Jack died so now he is taking Nathan away from me too?"

She didn't wait for Abigail to answer, rushing to the mirror instead to see just how bad she looked after the long and anguished night. A small gasp was followed by frantic tugging at her hair with a brush to remove the tangles until Abigail held out her hand. "Here, give me the brush and sit down. I will do it for you."

Elizabeth gave the tiniest of smiles to her friend, exhaustion splayed across her face but in her eyes there was still a look of determination. One that said that she was not going to give up. Abigail reached over to dampen a flannel in the basin of water, passing it across to Elizabeth to freshen her face. "Let it sit on your eyes for a moment, it will help" was all the acknowledgement she made of the puffiness and redness she saw there.

Downstairs the children had sung happy birthday to Jack and Mrs Winters gave him an extra high stack of pancakes which, in the way that young children can, he wolfed down in no time at all. Allie sat beside him, the others having shuffled along the bench to make room for her, her voice bright and chirpy as she helped him cut his food. To those watching who knew the truth about Nathan's condition it was one of the bravest things they had ever seen. She had put aside her own fear to care for the little boy she clearly loved like a brother.

When Elizabeth walked into the room she was taken aback by the scene in front of her. Little Jack was laughing as Allie pulled faces for him and made funny animal noises, reminiscent of his christening when Nathan had done the same. She felt her heart jump at the memory and as the pain started inside her again she took a deep breath and reminded herself that for the next while it was all about her son. But for a moment she took time to just enjoy watching these two children who somehow, without either Nathan or her realising, had become so close. It seemed as though all the pieces were falling into place for them to become a wonderful, blended family, except right now one of the most important parts was missing.

Spotting his mother he jumped up, "Mama, mama! Did you forget it was my birthday. Allie and Mountie Nathan gave me a present and everyone sang for me. This is the best birthday ever. Can I open my present. Please…." Elizabeth laughed at the rush of words from her son. Glad to see the look of excitement and joy on his face she gave a silent thank you to those around who had done what she should have. "Well, we don't normally open presents until the evening but just this once I will make an exception and let you." The sweetest expression came onto his face as he looked down at Allie beside him before tugging at her sleeve as he asked her to help.

Catching her breath Elizabeth looked at the beautifully crafted wooden horse and cart in her son's hand, a Mountie seated in the front holding reins made from thin strips of leather. "Look mama, it's Mountie Gabe!" At the perplexed looks on the faces of the others around she quickly explained that Little Jack always thought of the wooden Mountie and Horse he already had as Nathan and Newton, because he had made that for him too. The boys excitement filled the room as he ran the cart and horse along the table. "You and Miss Lillian could sit in the back of the wagon with me and Allie. And Mountie Nathan could ride beside us. Wouldn't that be perfect, mama!"

Seeing the battle Elizabeth was having to control her emotions the other adults stepped up to join them now. It was Bill who called out for another rendition of Happy Birthday and when the hip hip hoorays started at the end Lucas rushed forward and lifted Little Jack high into the air, twirling him around until Grace reminded him how many pancakes the boy had just eaten. His earlier sadness forgotten Little Jack was now enjoying being the centre of attention, unaware that he was just the tonic that they all needed in this moment.

As the birthday singing led to other songs Bill slipped away, conscious that there was one face missing from the table. In the sitting room he found Joe on the sofa by the window staring out at the winter landscape. It was easy to guess what was going through his mind right now and Bill knew it was important to dispel any feelings of guilt that the boy may have. It had occurred to him that neither Nathan nor Gabe would be in a position to carry on with the investigation into the fire at the Scott farmhouse and so it was up to him to deal with it. If…..no, when, Nathan recovered it would be nice to have this all wrapped up with the answers everyone was seeking.

He walked slowly across to the boy, speaking casually as he approached. "You haven't joined in with the birthday celebrations through there Joe, I hope you don't feel as though you shouldn't?"

The boy looked up at him with the most tormented expression on his face and Bill immediately knew that his tears had long been spent. He could see the struggle within him and in that instant decided that no matter what the final story was, these children should not be left to pay the price for what had happened. In the hours when they were waiting for Nathan and Gabe to return Lillian had told them about how Chloe had opened up to Nathan and what they had come to understand about the family. It was clear to him that this was one of those sad situations that had an inevitability about it. Instead of looking backwards the most important thing was to look ahead to how they could heal these children and give them the life they deserved.

"Nothing is your fault Joe. I want you to know that." Bill spoke in a way that he hoped the boy knew was genuine. "What you children have been through is something that none of the adults here have ever experienced. Who knows how we would have reacted to any of it. And you must understand that Nathan and Gabe would have gone out to look for anyone who was missing in this weather, that is what they do. That is what it means to be a Mountie."

Joe looked up at him then, his expression showing how much he needed to have someone to speak to. "You were there too. Why are they so ill and you are not?" The bluntness of the question make Bill think for a moment before replying, "Because they were honest enough to tell an old man like me that it was time for me to come back. They probably saved my life by doing that."

He saw a softening in the boys countenance at his honesty and knew he had to keep going. "Being a Mountie is a funny job. A lot of the time you stand outside the Mountie Office drinking coffee and watching what is going on in your town. Occasionally there is a crime you have to investigate and bad people to put away. Then there are also the many times when you are out on rounds and you are called upon to rescue someone's cat from a tree or asked to chop wood for an old lady who has no-one else to help her. Surprisingly they are the most satisfying jobs you can do. You care for the people who rely on you to help and protect them. Try to make a difference in their lives. And because you care sometimes you will place yourself into dangerous situations to make sure they are safe. It takes a special person to do that but they do it willingly, never thinking about themselves. They will do the same for someone they love or for a stranger."

The boy was listening to every word he said and Bill could see that he was trying to put it all into the context of his own situation. His voice was quiet when he spoke, "Were you a Mountie too?" In that moment Bill felt old, looking at himself through the eyes of a child. He had enjoyed a life full of ups and downs and now, just as he thought he had reached what he saw as his calling with the woman he loved, some of the things he treasured most in the world were being snatched away from him. One of the most important people to him was lying upstairs on the edge of the abyss between life and death. He had lost so much, so many, and now he wondered if he would survive losing another. Martin, Jack and now Nathan. They were the best of the best. Was that why God always called them home too early for those left behind to understand?

Bringing his thoughts back to Joe's question he answered, "Yes I was, but nowhere near as brave as Mountie Nathan or Mountie Gabe." The boy looked at him closely before replying, "I think you were when you were young, it's just that you are too old to be brave now." Bill let out a loud laugh at that. The forthrightness of children, he thought.

Realising that an opportunity had opened up he tried to keep his voice level, "You are probably right. But what I have learnt as I've grown older is that when something is troubling you it is usually better to talk about it. Sometimes we do things that we are not proud of and the weight of that becomes a burden that we struggle to carry. When you share it with someone else suddenly it seems so much lighter and you understand that what you did was for a reason that seemed right at the time."

Joe looked at him for a moment, saying nothing, as though he was trying to work out what the man was trying to tell him. Bill waited patiently, knowing that he may not get an answer now but hopefully he would have planted the seed in the boy's mind that a burden shared was easier than carrying it all yourself. Finally, his voice barely audible Joe spoke. "It was me, I started the fire. I know that Chloe said she did but she was only lying to protect me. To protect all of us." Still Bill said nothing, but kept his eyes focused on the boys to show that he was listening to what he was saying.

"My pa wasn't a bad man most of the time but when he had been drinking or lost at cards he sometimes became mean. Ma would try to keep us away from him then but we knew, Chloe and I, that he took it out on her. He was particularly bad that night, shouting a lot and although she never made a sound I could tell he was hitting her. I knew I wasn't supposed to leave our bedroom but I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to stop him." Bill could see that Joe was reliving the moment and as hard as it was to watch the anguish on his face he had to let him go on. Not only would they find out the truth but he hoped it would have a cathartic effect, let him see that he was not to blame for anything that happened. Addiction was an evil thing and it was always the innocent who suffered, as he had seen so many times over the years.

"Chloe heard me and ran past to get in there first. He grabbed her and threw her against the dresser, then when ma tried to get between them he pushed her too. He shouted at me to leave if I knew what was best for me but I refused. Then he came for me, pulling his belt from his trousers as he crossed the room." The boy was breathing hard and Bill knew how difficult this was but they needed to know the full story. Joe closed his eyes before he started to speak again, "I ran around the bed so he couldn't catch me which only made him angrier but that didn't bother me. I had to find a way to draw attention from them. You are the one who should leave, I shouted at him and suddenly he stopped. Then he grabbed ma and Chloe and pushed them out the door and turned to me, telling me to get out before he hit us all harder. I ran and he kept shouting about how he would never let any of us leave. That we belonged to him."

Bill had seen first hand what a physically abusive father could do in his determination to be in control of everyone. Trying to save Joe from having to relive too much more he gently asked, "Did your father light the fire, Joe?"

The boy shook his head, "No it was me. I heard him banging around downstairs, crashing about, breaking all the things that ma kept safe in the cabinet. After a while he went silent and I began to believe we were safe, that maybe he had fallen asleep on the sofa. Sometimes he did that and would be okay again by morning. Then he was at the bottom of the stairs shouting and I knew I couldn't let him up again. So I grabbed my baseball bat and ran down as fast as I could." The tears had started to roll down his cheeks but he kept on speaking, unable to stop now that the story was coming out. "I hit out at him but he moved and I caught the oil lamp in his hand instead. Before I knew it the curtains were on fire."

Now the boy was weeping openly and Bill put his arm around his shoulders, knowing that this was what he had needed to do, get the story out from where he had been bottling it up inside letting it eat away at him. "Did you go and warn your sister and mother then Joe?" Between sobs he managed a nod and Bill knew that he had all the answers that were needed. "Then you are a hero in my book, young man. Just like Nathan and Gabe."

Once breakfast was finished Grace and Chuck bundled all the children up in their warm clothes and took them outside, the magic of the snow now something to enjoy since the heavy gales had died. Yesterday's snowmen had been flattened by the wind but the edges of their scarves and gloves could be seen poking out from the snow drifts and when Lucas appeared with carrots for their noses and lumps of charcoaled wood for their mouths there were squeals of joy. A competition was quickly organised, with Chuck and Lucas each heading up a team and Grace as the judge. "No bias allowed, Grace", shouted Lucas, her look of innocence in response not convincing him or his team who howled that it was unfair.

Little Jack was in the middle of everything, running from team to team shouting out how the other one was doing and laughing with some of the older boys as they made snowballs to throw at the adults. It was a scene that masked what was happening inside the house but just what was needed by them all. This was a birthday being celebrated and they were all determined to make the best of it that they could.

Chloe and Allie had stayed inside with Mrs Winters, working at one end of the kitchen table while she used the other to mix the ingredients for a birthday cake despite having so many other things to do today. She always made sure that no child spent a birthday in the orphanage without one of her magical cakes. The girls had gotten some card and ribbon from Grace and were now making a Happy Birthday card for Little Jack, to be signed by all the children, having just finished hanging up the banner and streamers that Elizabeth had brought in the dining room ready for Jack to see them at lunch.

Abigail came down just as they had finished and seeing the question in Allie's eyes she could only shake her head and whisper, "No change." The happiness that had been on her young face only a few moments earlier quickly disappeared as once more she was plunged back into the fear of losing the only father she had ever known. "Do you think Mrs Thornton would mind if I went up and sat with him too?"

"Of course not, Allie. But you may not find it easy so promise me you will come out if it gets too much for you." Nodding her agreement she scurried out of the room and up the stairs, Mrs Winter glanced across Chloe's head to Abigail, a look of despair on her face. "It is always the children who suffer but I have to say, that one is braver than most I have seen."

Elizabeth was surprised when her reply of "come in" to the soft knock on the door was met with Allie's face peering round as she opened it slightly. "Would it be okay if I came in to sit with you….with Uncle Nathan for a while? Mrs Stanton said I could as long as I didn't find it too upsetting."

"Of course, Allie", Elizabeth replied, then standing up she reached across to the window for another chair and moved it beside her. "Come and sit here with me."

Allie came silently into the room. Looking at her uncle in the bed she could almost pretend he was sleeping on one of the mornings when she had to wake him after he had been out late on Mountie business. But now he was so still, as though someone had drained all the life out of him. She felt herself start to well up then and had to work hard to control it, not wanting to have to leave.

"Mrs Thornton, is this how it was when your husband died?" The question caught Elizabeth by surprise and it took her a moment to find the right words to answer. "First of all Allie, nobody is talking about your Uncle Nathan dying. There is still a very good chance that he is going to come through this, it may just take time. He is strong and he has a lot to live for. You know he will be fighting his hardest right now to stay with you. He loves you more than anything in the world."

Allie stood up then, walking over to the side of the bed and brushing her hand across Nathan's brow. "I love you Uncle Nathan, more than I probably ever tell you. You are the best dad I could ever have hoped for." Bending down to lay her head on his chest she whispered "Please stay with me, you're all I have." Elizabeth's heart almost broke when she heard those words and when Allie turned back she pulled her into her arms. "He would never leave you willingly, you know that Allie. But if the worst was to happen I want you to know you will always have a home with Little Jack and me. We both love you very much."

Elizabeth felt the child's body soften a bit then before she looked up at her, "Really? Do you meant that?" A half sob escaped her then and Elizabeth nodded, unable to speak for the moment. Then the small voice continued, "I thought I would have to go to an orphanage and with all the extra children here now there probably wouldn't be room for me so it would have to be somewhere else."

Suddenly Elizabeth realised just how much turmoil Allie was going through not knowing what would happen to her if Nathan wasn't here to care for her. She drew her closer into the embrace, stroking her back as she gently whispered to her, "Oh Allie, you would never have to go away. We are family."