"You've got to pound it to unleash the flavor." I pause the video on Ricardo's phone. I give him a look.
"Don't say it", he says.
"Say what?" I imply.
"Don't say 'that's what he said'... Goddammit... I hate you." I smile in victory. Sometimes I don't have to try and serve my dishes when I have someone do it for me.
"Why am I looking at this fatass mothafucka again?" I ask. Not gonna lie, after meeting the turtles, my daily life has gotten... bland. Bland as in the color gray kind of bland. Nothing goes on my days. Five whole days of my daily routine consist of morning exercise and afternoon laziness leading to nighttime movie marathon. I'm pretty much living the fucking dream. My point: I'm bored. I called Ricardo to see if he was free. Fortunate for me, he was. I made sure to get a quick shower before meeting my former gopher. It was past seven when we meet, and he lends me his phone to see a video his friend sends him.
"Ever heard of Rupert Swaggert?"
"Rupert Swaggert? The chef who claimed to be better than Gordon Ramsez and Iron Chef Bobby Flay? Thinks his show Kondescending Kitchen is better than Hell's Kitchen? No, can't say I have."
"Oh, come on. It's not that bad."
"Swaggert got jealous and created a bootleg show to imply he's got the biggest scrotum."
Ricardo sighs. "I can't stand you sometimes. Watch the damn clip."
I rewind the video and press play. "This isn't how you make the pork risotto!" the portly chef with ginger hair yells at the shorter man. He hits the contestants with the pork in front of a crowd. And people say I'm rude. "You've got to pound it to unleash the flavor." God, I'm so tempted to say it. Then I say something out of the ordinary. An abnormally size bug coming for Swaggert. My scanners zoom in. It was a mosquito, but not just any mosquito. The same mosquito that carried Draxum's mutagen. It stung into Swaggert's neck and injected the liquid. In seconds, the celebrity mutated on live television with a live audience.
"Holy fuck", I mumble, handing back Ricardo's phone.
"I know, right. No one knows where these bugs came from. They came out of nowhere stinging anyone and anything they see worth stinging."
"How long ago was this?"
"About four, possibly five days top." Don't tell me those idiotas forgot to close the gate? Wait. The key was broken! FUCK! This is basically my fault – but it's mostly the turtles are to blame; I just got on the wrong train. "You okay, Merrill. You're looking a bit pale. Well, paler than usual."
"Gee, thanks for telling me I need more sun, pendejo." I can't believe I haven't heard about this. Maybe it's partially my fault for not going to the news. I really should watch the news more often.
"Color me shock. I thought you know everything."
"Just 'cause soy rico doesn't mean I know the answer to life or the wonders of the universe."
"Don't be such a smartass. I'm warning you to keep a heads up and make sure you have chemicals or bug killer. Since these things appear, items like those gets out of stock like trendy merchandise."
"I'm sure I got Lysol somewhere in my bathroom." My head suddenly throbs. I massage my cranium. The throb gotten stronger. I close eyes and reopen, but I wasn't with Ricardo. I was running, chasing after a creature.
"Come back here, silverfish!" I blink. Leo? The turtle I mention stops. "Merrill? No, no. Cool it, Leon. He's not here. Like he said, I'm never going to see him again." Not my exact words, but kinda hurtful even though I did say it. "Oh, silverfish. Stop swimming away. I won't slice you into fish sticks. Scouts honor." His jokes are too stale for my taste. He lost track of the silverfish. I can't believe he lost a mutant silverfish that is half of his size. Until a huge shadow overlaps his figure. He turns facing a large hand coming for him. A scream brings me back to my area. Leo's in trouble!
"I gotta go! Thanks for the company!" I run off and settle on my bike.
"Merrill! Where are you going?" I do not answer since I already started my vehicle and drive off. I swerve around the cars heading pass two – maybe three red stoplights. I push a button on the steering handle activating the zero gravity. I jump on the side of the building riding up to the rooftops. I stop.
Where am I going? For all I know, I could be hallucinating. I haven't seen the turtle gang in five days. There's no way in Hell I was missing them, especially a certain slider. "Help!" his cry echoes in my mind. Okay, okay. Don't panic. Where is Leo being taken? I close and I reopen my eyes. My location changes. I see myself in someone's clutches. I can feel Leo struggling against his captor's grip. He manages to look up to see a sign hanging beside an abandoned building.
"Chateau Pretenche?" I ask before returning to my focus. My scanner does quick research giving me a quick synopsis of Chateau Pretenche. According to the research, it's a restaurant owned by Rupert Swaggert. After his disappearance, his restaurant closed along with the show 'Kondescending Kitchen' closing its series. Apparently, the TV station paid hush money to any witness who saw Swaggert's transformation. I rev my bike and take off. I try to be as discreet as possible especially having a motorcycle with loud engines. Maybe I should call Aunt Claire for a tune up.
My chest feels a tug in a direction. I steer my bike to jump and land on the road. My chest gotten tighter. I stop and get off. I let the sensation lead me down an alleyway. I keep going down like Alice pursuing the White Rabbit. Then, my sensors pick up a familiar weapon.
"You don't belong here..." I pick up Leo's discarded odachi staring at my reflection on the blade. I activated heat sense. Traces show warm spot around the hilt which means Leo was taken not too long ago. Question is where to? My eyes land on footsteps next to where the sword lays alone. I refocus my gaze. My vision clear. A scuffle was clear on the floor. Leo put up a struggle. His pursuer was bigger in size. The thing has twice the muscle size as him. There are two sets of footsteps: one two-toed footsteps and the other huge feet. I follow the trail crossing the street; pass my bike and up to an abandoned restaurant sword in hand. "Chateau Pretenche? Guess I'm at the right place."
The building, though abandoned, had no sign of breaking and entering, instead the trail leads to another alleyway next to it. I follow the trail. More footsteps: Leo's two-toed feet managed to escape but was recaptured. I crouch removing both gloves. I touch the footsteps. The heat sensors trace warm temperatures. These are fresh and recent. I should be able to get to Leo on time if I pick up the pace. The footsteps stop at a manhole. I scrunch my face. Great. I must go through the sewers while wearing my favorite leather jacket. Fuck! Leo owes me big time for saving his shell. I lift the sewer tile and climb through making sure I bring the odachi with me.
I reactivate heat sense and follow the trail. I manage to get to an underground subway graveyard. I would've been stoked if I wasn't on a search and rescue mission. There is a light coming through a tunnel. I crouch and soften my steps. I lean against the wall peeking inside.
There, Leo tied up against a pole and gag. He struggles against his bonds. His captor is a huge mutant pig in a dirty kitchen apron and a tiny hat. His red eyes gleam as he cleaves his knife to a precise sharpness.
"You won't get away with this, Meat Sweats!" Leo says as if he's in a James Bond movie, "...by the way, what are you trying to get away with?" I roll my eyes. How cliché. And, Meat Sweats, really?
"Oh, nothing much. I'm simply preparing a meal worthy of my appetite." ... holy shit that can't be good.
Leo nods. "Sounds great and all, but a heads up would be nice. Not many people can be as accepting after a kidnapping." Leo, you can't be this stupid.
"Oh, you delicious turtle. You are my MEAL! Or rather, the main course." Meat Sweats says, drooling at his living meal.
The slider's eyes widen. "Um... that explains it. In that case it's best to say I'm not good for your piggy belly. I've been in places you probably wouldn't dream of."
"No matter. With the right seasoning, I can taste the flavor." Yup, my hunch is right. Bootleg Porky Pig is Bootleg Gorgon Ramsey – I mean Rupert Swaggert. "I'm thinking red-eared slider stew mix with corn, red onions, diced potatoes, and cilantro with a hint of paprika."
"As tasty as those sounds, do you have enough ingredients to cook?" Big Pig looks at his table with scraps lying beside a knife.
"You have a point." Leo releases a silent sigh. Bootleg Porky reties the gag. "Do stay put. I like my ingredients to be fresh." I see Leo glaring his captor over the cloth. I activate stealth watching Porky walking out his home.
Fat Pig sniffs. Can Fat Ass smell me? I hear a pig's sense of smell is sharper than a dogs. How true is it? His red eyes narrow before walking down the long subway tunnel. I sigh and silently making my way to the tied-up captive. I deactivate my stealth making Leo jump in his ropes.
"Is this how you spend your free time? Finding trouble and getting turtlenapped?" I ask in sarcasm as I remove Leo's gag.
"Not really. My parttime is coming up with one liner and disagreeing with goth boys." I scoff cutting the rope. I immediately grab the turtle so he wouldn't fall over. "My full time is being an awesome hero."
I raise an eyebrow. "And how's that going for you? Held prisoner with no back up?"
"Well, you're here now. Can I have my sword back?"
I grab his wrist and harshly drag him. "Not until we get out of here."
"It's my sword!"
"Not taking any chances!"
"Just let me portal us out!"
"Not happening!"
"Why are you an ass?"
"Why are you a brat?" We glare at each other before I let out a heavy sigh. I don't have the energy for this shit. I reluctantly give his sword as I release his wrist. Leo gently takes his weapon back giving me a questionable stare. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not confident in your mystic abilities. The least I can do is escort you to your brothers. They must have already realized your missing."
"Uh, yeah, they must be very worried, especially Raph." I nod and start walking to the exit. "Merrill." I stop and turn. "How do you know where I was?"
I don't know how to answer that. I don't know how I could answer him. So I did the one thing I normally do: I lie. "I was in the neighborhood when I heard a scuffle and a girlish cry for help. Follow the trail leading to you." Merrill's tip for lying when conveying a lie, make sure there's some truth to said lie while staring at the person you're lying to. I told a half truth. It should be enough to satisfy the small turtle.
His stare tells me otherwise. "That can't be right. No matter how hard I scream I was certain no one heard me." Leo shrinks, shoulders lower. He rubs his arm. "I thought no one was coming for me."
I walk to the shaken turtle and lay a hand on his shoulder. He jerks. "Let's focus on the now. I'm here and I'm not planning on leaving."
He nods. "Okay. Let's get out of here."
My scanners must be on delay as seven exclamations appear on my vision. I shield my face before a powerful fist slam against my arms. Shit, the punch was powerful enough to damage my arms. I can feel my arms frizzing out of control. My arms were slightly damaged during the Draxum fiasco, so I went back to my obsolete brand with Iron Fist. The sad thing with Iron Fist is the activation factor. The recoil is delayed by 0.34 seconds. From the punch alone, the recoil is more damaged. Dios mio. All I can do is buy my time for Leo to make his escape.
"Portal out and find your brothers! Go!" I order.
"I'm not leaving without you!" Leo counters.
"You lack fighting experience. Get your shell out of here before I kick it!"
"You're not getting out of here!" Porky Pig's arm turning to tentacles. Whelp, he must be into that kinky shit. "Not until I have my fill."
I lay my arm over Leo pushing him behind and out of Meat Sweats sight. "I can take care of myself. Find your brothers. Now."
"No, we can take Meat Sweats together."
"Not if Porky Pig has his eyes set on you. For my sake please go." I say the last bit in a hushed tone close to a plea. I haven't heard a rebuttal, but a swing of his sword.
I see Leo opening his portal and jumps in. I look at the big bad pig holding a metal cooking mallet. I soon realize I'm going to be in a massive world of pain.
"Ah shitake mushrooms."