Chpt 14: Crack in the Glass Ceiling

A/N: Shoutout to Mental Health Awareness Month. I also suffered from some mental issues so I understand how devastating it can be. It'll impact your life in small ways that gradually start to build up. Whether it's anxiety, depression, trauma, or anything else, it's okay to feel that way. The hardest part is getting help. Sometimes it's scary talking to friends, especially if you're the person everyone relies on. You're the one who's supposed to be strong, responsible, resilient, and fearless. But you're just as scared as them. I realized something was wrong when I would start getting anxiety attacks to the point of fainting. I just wish I got help sooner. I'm lucky that my university offers free counseling and honestly it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It's okay to not be okay, please seek help if you need it.

Warning: This chapter does contain some self-reflection and mentions of anxiety. If it gets boring, read the next chapter (which is why I posted this one and chpt 15 together). But if you feel like reading it, I would appreciate it.

Location: Remote Mountain Village

July 2010

With the warming months, the humidity and temperature in central Japan escalated.

After the events of the Basashi Commotion, I decided to take a break. I needed some time for myself. I needed to gather my thoughts and choose my path in life. There's still about a year and a half left until the new Colorless King emerges.

Right now, my mental state is in shambles and even when I'm surrounded by the Red Clan I feel so lonely. They're wonderful people. Tatara, Mikoto, Anna, and even the stupid Misaki. But this is only temporary.

If I don't trust or love myself, how can I let anyone else in? I can't truly accept anyone until I've resolved my own feelings.

Either I'll lose my life fighting the evil Colorless King or I'll be returned to my universe when I finish my task: restoring this world's order. But what about me? My personal feelings?

I'm not a robot, Dresden Rex can't expect me to be perfect. I don't understand how the Dresden Plate's consciousness can have so much confidence in a person like me when I don't even have any confidence in myself.

And so, I decided to go on a medical retreat to a small mountain village. I arrived via helicopter and have been living here for the past two months.

It was a quiet neighborhood. Farmland surrounded us on all sides as the rickety wooden houses creaked whenever a strong wind blew by. It reminded me of home.

I grew up on a ranch, living with the animals, sitting up late at night in the treehouse, and screaming while throwing shoes at large bugs. Fun times, except for the bugs.

It wasn't long before I became the local doctor. There were no doctors in the area, and although technology was pretty advanced, it was still difficult to reach the remote village. Most couldn't afford to helicopter in a doctor from a nearby town.

I didn't really care much about money. I had built myself a small treehouse in the nearby woods and in exchange for treatment, received some yummy snacks.

I met Ichigen Miwa, the Colorless King, when I was treating one of the villagers. He had foreseen my arrival and invited me to stay with him.

It wasn't a difficult choice. Although I enjoy the outdoors, it was mid-July so it was nice to live in an actual house, with a bed and… plumbing.

Ichigen introduced me to Kuroh, who was wary of a stranger in his home. He was cute, it seems like there's not a lot of girls his age in the village. His reactions remind me of Misaki's. He should be around 16 or 17 at this time point, only a few years younger than me.

We're gonna get along just fine.

Without telling Ichigen, it seemed like he was already aware of my dilemma.

"Great is the concern; laid upon a decision; which cannot be shared." Ichigen handed me a cup of tea as he sat on the zabuton (Japanese seat cushion) next to me.

"Haaaa." I took a sip of the green tea. "You and your haikus, Ichigen-san."

"Interpret it how you will, but there is no denying something is on your mind."

"You've foreseen the future. Or is it just a big ball of timey wimey, wibbly wobbly stuff?"

"Hm..?"

I shook my head, "nevermind, it's an inside joke."

"Foreseeing the future isn't everything. Each result, each outcome, comes from the decisions and actions of every person. I learned long ago, when I first became the 7th King, that revealing the future often comes at a price."

"Funny thing is, is that I'm not asking about the possible future. I know what the future is. I know what is going to happen, every phrase, every death up to a certain point in time." I stared into the depths of the green tea, gazing at the bottom of the cup.

"Do not judge the cold. Without first knowing the warmth of the sun."

"So you're saying to not jump to conclusions." I smiled into my cup, "yeah, I tend to do that often. Always overthinking things."

"Walk casually down the path that you have chosen. The path to your dreams." Ichigen tipped his old man hat forward before he stood up.

I could see the pain in his joints, and his heavy breathing. His illness was taking a toll on him. In his fifty-some years of life, he's been suffering from it for most.

This is the illness that will take his life sometime this year or the next.

"I could do it!" I exclaimed before he exited the room. "I could heal you. Your sickness. I could prevent all of this from even beginning." If Ichigen doesn't pass away, then the new Colorless King will never be crowned.

"You have a kind heart, and an open soul. Always willing to bend the rules for those you are close with. But sometimes, sometimes life is more precious when you need it the most." The door slid shut behind him.

Five seconds later. "Wait, what?"

The sun sat on the horizon, weeping colors of red, orange, and pink to all corners of the sky.

Kuroh and I sat on a rock overlooking the village, we spent a lot of time together sitting and observing the world around us. We became fast friends, it seemed like I was the only one even remotely close to his age group. Other than his friend, the one who was Ichigen's other student. He apparently was out on a journey for the past few months, which is why I had yet to meet him.

Sometimes we talked, sometimes we were silent, but this time an old song popped into my head. It was one my closest friend, my sister at heart, introduced to me.

I began to tap a beat with my foot. Looking towards the clouds swirling above us, my mouth parted:

"I just want the world to have one more
C'mon crooked stars don't you want to line up?
I think I found a crack in the glass ceiling,
Gonna break it down with this steel pipe dream.
Gonna break it down...

I am an astronaut.
A renegade.
Tearing through the dark on a new wave.
It's ride or die since I know
I'm gonna burn it up, up, up ohhh.
I am the underdog, team juggernaut,
Drinking in line to catch a bus.
It's ride or die since I know
I'm gonna burn it up, up, up ohhh."

My voice trailed off as our silence was filled in with the chirps of birds, humming of bugs, and rustling of leaves.

"Dandelions, at one's feet, beauties." Ichigen's voice sounded from a small voice recorder. The recorder was clutched in Kuroh's hands as the patch of wild flowers by our feet swayed in the wind.

"Haha, how many recordings do you have on there?" I gave a small laugh, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand.

Kuroh's eyes sparkled and his cheeks tinged pink, "IF YOU PAY ATTENTION YOU'LL NOTICE THE BEAUTY OF THESE FLOWERS THAT ARE CALLED WEEDS THAT BLOOM IN FRONT OF YOUR FEET; THIS HAIKU MEANS IF YOU KEEP AN EYE ON ALL KINDS OF EVERYDAY PLACES THEN YOU'LL DISCOVER WONDERFUL THINGS THERE. IF YOU SEEK DIRECTION FROM ICHIGEN-SAMA'S OBSERVING EYE THEN HE'LL EXPRESS WITH TENDER WORDS THE TRUTH THAT REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS EXIST IN ORDINARY FORMS RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE. ISN'T TRUE BEAUTY THE STRENGTH AND LOVELINESS OF STANDING DIGNIFIED AT A PLACE WHERE YOU COULD CARELESSLY STEP ON THEM?"

He ended the explanation with a dramatic pose, one hand on his chest and the other outstretched before him, palm-side facing the sky.

"Okay, okay Kuroh, don't forget to breathe."

He's still a kid. I ruffled his hair.

It has been a long two and a half months of self-reflection, I mused as I packed my bags. It's time to go back and remind myself that instead of resisting the person who limits me the most, to accept them. To accept myself.

Accepting my faults, my failures, and my worth. It took me a while, but I was finally able to confront the voice in my head that is stuck there like a broken record. You're not good enough. You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough.

By no means have I solved it or even gotten rid of it, because it's a part of who I am. All I can do is gently remind myself that I'm good enough for me. It doesn't matter if I'm not good enough for anyone else, because the only person who is stuck with me 24/7 is myself.

I always thought that there was a simple and quick method to curing anxiety or other mental issues. That it was as simple as snapping your fingers.

It's all in your head, right?

No.

It's not. You're important, you always are and always will be. Even if things sometimes don't go your way, or it seems like it never does, "failing," is not really failure. How can you ever experience happiness if you've never once been sad?

Those who have earned happiness through multiple "failures," are often the ones who treasure it the most.

"Failures," are in quotes because failure is never really failure. It may be a wayward stone in your neatly carved path. It might be a small, or giant, mistake you've made. It could be a lost friendship, a broken heart, or a stutter during a public speech.

There is no light without darkness, and no darkness without light. When one door closes, 2 doors open. And there's always the window, who ever said you have to be conventional?

There is always a balance. Sometimes, we tend to focus on the darkness and ignore the light. It doesn't mean all the good in your life is gone, sometimes it just means we have to look at our lives in a different perspective.

Funny thing is, is I've always known this. Ever since I was young, I knew that I couldn't always be happy and that things wouldn't always be easy.

And yet, when life throws shit at you, you can either stand there and let it pile up until it completely consumes you. Or you can wash your clothes, step out of the way, and start a composting heap.

Just because one choice is obvious, does not mean it is EASY to make.

Support systems are integral, and I had pushed mine away. Fled because I couldn't handle the pressure.

The pressure had consumed me to the point that I wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide. Hide my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

With hardened, determined eyes, I made my choice. My voice rung out into the empty room. "I am the sum of my own choices, and I belong to me."

S/O to Alice-okaami and Ink Scribble for the fav/follow!

Thanks Lau (Guest), Ink Scribble, Kikikitsune18 for the reviews!

Song: "Astronaut" by Transviolet