Ch 6: Crying to Sleep

Rating: K+ for gore

Characters: Edward, Winry, Pinako

Timeline: manga

Notes: aaaaaaand we're back to preseries automail angst. Because yeah. This takes place after Ed's automail surgery, when Winry says in the manga that Ed would cry himself to sleep because of the pain and sickness. I'm conflating that bit in the book with my own timeline seen in Simple Things, where Ed is fighting off infection for a week after surgery. So I guess it's manga compliant but also headcanon haha. It's also really gross, so anyone with emetophobia, you may wanna skip this one.

Winry softly shuts the door to Recovery 1, looking solemnly at the scene inside. It's almost midnight, and she really wants to go to bed, but she had to check on her friend one more time before then. The room is dimly lit by an alcohol lamp Pinako brought out of storage, the curtain shut on the lone window. Pinako is sitting in a chair beside Ed's bed, holding his hand tightly. Ed's head is turned away from her, staring blankly at the wall and breathing heavily. His expression is deceptively calm, but his pain and illness is belied by his tight grip on Pinako's hand and the ghostly white pallor of his skin. The machine his port monitors are hooked up to hums softly, dripping fluids and medicine through the casts on his shoulder and leg. Upon closer inspection, Winry can see a constant light tremor running throughout his body and a light sheen of sweat on his head.

"Hey, Ed," Winry says softly, approaching him. "How do you feel?"

His eyes flick to meet her. "Stop askin'," he murmurs, almost too quietly to hear.

Winry supposes that's a fair enough answer. He's had his automail for three days now, and it's not going very well. The Rockbells would never expect a patient to be feeling good three days after surgery, but he shouldn't be feeling worse. They don't want to jump to conclusions but…Ed's fever and vomiting have only been getting worse, and every time they check on his ports, they're more inflamed and bruised than before. It's very likely his shoulder and leg are infected; that's not entirely uncommon, but they're worried nonetheless. Most people aren't still this sick after three days.

"An' stop lookin' a' me like tha'..." he adds with an approximation of a glare.

Winry smiles despite herself. He may be delirious with pain and fever, but he's still Edward. "Stop looking so pitiable and I'll stop staring," she replies, teasing. His eyes flash in anger but he says nothing else, instead slipping back into the zoned-out state he was in when she entered. That's not unexpected, given how much morphine is in his blood. Winry turns her attention to her grandmother. "Has he had anything to eat?" she asks.

"Not since this morning," Pinako replies, rubbing her thumb over the back of Ed's hand. "He had some mashed potatoes but he threw most of it up an hour later. I don't think I'll give him anything else tonight, but we can try again in the morning. Right now, I just want him to sleep…"

Winry nods sadly. He needs the nutrients but there's not much they can do if his body keeps rejecting food. She sits on the edge of the bed, looking at her friend. She notices the glaze in his eyes clear up some, and her heart fills with hope—until he looks frantically at her, his skin paling further. She jumps up, grabbing the bucket from the floor and getting it under his head just in time before he starts throwing up. He pulls his hand free from Pinako's, clutching onto his shirt in a panic. Puking always hurts, but it feels different this time. His abdominal muscles spasm again, and a searing pain shoots through his chest as he heaves. He hears Winry gasp, and when he opens his eyes, he realizes why. The metallic taste of blood lingers on his tongue, mixed with the sour taste of bile. He opens his eyes, frozen at the sight of his own blood in the bucket.

Oh, God. I'm dying. I'm actually dying. He immediately vomits again, hearing Winry and Pinako speaking soothingly to him, with only an undertone of worry. Why aren't they totally freaking out? He's freaking puking blood! Just like Mom did before she died…

"It's okay, Ed, shhh…" Pinako says, rubbing his back.

"Blood…" he says, shaking from more than the illness.

"It's okay, you'll be okay," Pinako continues.

"B-but…" Ed looks at her, his eyes wide and full of tears. "Mom…"

"It's just a cut, Edward," Pinako says, holding his hand. "From all the vomiting. It tore your throat or stomach a little, so it's bleeding. You're not going to die." Pinako looks at Winry, signaling with her eyes for the girl to fetch some water. Winry immediately leaves, taking the bucket off to clean as well. Pinako pulls Ed close to her, holding him like she did when he was much younger. It's difficult to do with all the tubes and wires connected to his automail ports, and she also can't aggravate the fresh surgical sites too much, but she knows he's scared and needs her. "It'll be okay."

Oh, she so hopes it'll be okay. She's not super worried right now about the blood, but if it keeps getting worse…She knows he's not sick with the illness that took his mother, but if he doesn't get better, a gastrointestinal wound could get dangerous. She doesn't think it's bad now, but if he keeps vomiting like this, then the tear in his throat or stomach will get worse. But of course, that's not her main concern right now…and it's not even the infection in his automail; it's the look of absolute despair on his face.

"How are you feeling, Sprout?" Pinako asks, letting him settle back on the bed so she doesn't hurt all his incisions. In truth, she knows how he's feeling, because it's written all over his face and in his medical charts. But she just wants to give him a chance to get his feelings out.

"I…I dunno…" Ed replies absently. "'M tired, but…it really hurts, Granny."

"Makes sense. You need to sleep to heal and you can't heal as well if you can't sleep."

"Wanna sleep."

"I know…" Pinako brushes her fingers through Ed's hair. "And I also know it's hard. How much does it hurt?" she asks. He's already on his max dosage of morphine, so there's not much she can do to help, but maybe…maybe she could lower its distribution slightly to give him a dose of laudanum. If she can get him relaxed enough to sleep, then the slight drop in painkillers won't be detrimental.

"A lot. I…feels like…like sharp and numb a' the same time."

"It's just because your nerves aren't really sure what to do right now, so their signals are getting all mixed up."

"My whole body's achy…"

"Because you're sick. But it'll all be okay, ya hear? If a tough little beansprout like yourself can survive losing two limbs, you can survive getting those limbs replaced."

The fear in his hazy eyes doesn't go away, not even with her comment on his size. "But… what if I can't?" he whispers, his eyes filling with tears.

"You can, Ed. I know it," she replies, even if it's not entirely true. Some people, as horrible as it is, just aren't compatible with automail. She knows that, but she really does believe he's not one of them; he's been through too much for it all to fail now.

"I just…dunno…" He takes in a hiccuping breath, the tears in his eyes finally breaking free. "I'm jus' scared…scared I won' be able to fix 'im…" He turns away from her as much as he can, but she keeps her hand in his hair.

"Shh…" Pinako turns when she hears the door open, seeing Winry slipping back into the room. Winry's face drops when she hears Ed's muffled cries, and she returns to his bedside, replacing the clean bucket on the floor.

"Winry, can you slow his morphine and give him a dose of laudanum?" Pinako asks. Winry nods, adjusting the flow of morphine on the IV tree.

Ed sniffles. "Wha'?"

"You know that medicine, Ed. It's the one that relaxes you and helps you sleep," Pinako says.

"Don' want 'nymore medicine…sick of it…"

"I know you are, and I wish you didn't have to have so much, but you need it to get better."

"Wish I didn' hafta 'get better'," he says. "Wish I wasn' so stupid."

Winry blinks back her own tears as she picks up Ed's arm, injecting a dose of laudanum into his IV catheter.

"You're not stupid," Pinako replies.

"Am. Thought I could bring Mom back…" a short sob escapes him. "Idiot…" As soon as Winry releases his arm, he tries to wipe the tears away, to no avail.

"It's okay to cry, Ed," Winry says softly. "You need it."

"Don't."

"It's not healthy to keep all your feelings in." Winry sits on the bed beside him, pulling his head onto her lap. She half-expects him to pull it right back off, but he doesn't.

"Crying too much."

"I don't think you're crying enough," she counters.

Something in that statement breaks something inside him, and after a moment of staring, he lets go of whatever was holding him back. He's not sure if it's involuntary or not, but suddenly, he's sobbing into Winry's lap. A steady flow of tears leak from Winry's eyes, too, but she just runs her fingers through Ed's hair, hoping to be of some comfort. Subconsciously, he moves his hand to his right shoulder, whether out of a desire for his lost limb or relief from the pain, Winry isn't sure. After a few minutes, the convulsions and mucus from crying make him gag, and Winry grabs the bucket again, but he doesn't throw up. There isn't enough left in his stomach to throw up, so after dry heaving a few times, he spits out a mouthful of bloody saliva. Winry sets the bucket down, letting him rest his head on her lap again and resuming her head massage.

"It's okay, Ed…it's okay…" she says soothingly, ignoring the wet spot on her skirt from his tears. He's still crying, but doesn't have the energy to cry hard anymore, so all he can manage is a steady, silent stream of tears. "Just sleep…"

It takes half an hour longer, but finally, around one in the morning, he falls asleep. Winry continues brushing his hair, so hopefully he'll stay asleep long enough to get into a deep sleep.

"Winry," Pinako says, getting the girl's attention. "I'm so, so proud of you, you know." Pinako stands, reaching over to brush the tears from Ed's red, puffy face. "You were just what he needed in that moment. You're going to be one of the best automail mechanics out there someday. I don't have a doubt about that." She moves her hand from Ed's face to Winry's, cupping her granddaughter's cheek lovingly. "Thank you."

Winry smiles, feeling her own eyes tear up again. "I just did what you taught me."

Pinako smiles back, brushing Winry's bangs behind her ear. "Don't go selling yourself short."

And so Winry takes her grandmother's words to heart, spending the whole of that hellish week at Edward's side, and being the rock he needs at his lowest moments. It's hard, and she almost breaks a few times, but she would spend a thousand more nights comforting him if it means he makes it through in the end.

well...whumptober is technically over, but this story WILL be finished! I'm just too busy with stupid school to have finished it on time lol. So see you guys in the next chapter!