Chapter 4

Dear Moony,

Thank you for sending me the Muggle money, but I don't really need it, so I'm sending it back. I've made some maths and I'm pretty sure you can't afford it. You have to take care of yourself too, especially if you're out of work. Change the money back to galleons and use it to buy yourself a cauldron of that Wolfsbane Potion you mentioned, or a huge chunk of chocolate, or whatever. Don't worry about me, I can hunt whenever I get hungry, there are some tasty lizards here, and a lot of fruit, and Buckbeak sometimes brings fish to share. It's safer to stay as a dog, anyway, and also easier to bear.

Dumbledore sent me a spare wand, so I'm covered in that regard for now, although to tell you the truth my magic still hasn't really come back. I doubt I could have killed Peter, much as I wanted. I practice every day, but my head isn't in the right place most of the time.

I got a letter from Harry today, really concerning. He says that his scar hurt the other day, and that the last time that happened Voldemort was at Hogwarts. Probably you know more about what has been going on with Harry these last few years than I do, so maybe you can explain me what the hell is that about? I'm getting the feeling that I've missed a lot while I was in Azkaban.

I'm considering to go back, to be close to Harry, what do you think? It just feels wrong to be abroad in a beach when he might be in danger. I should be there. What if someone goes after him at his relatives' house? Can you go to Little Whinging to check, just in case?

I hope you're doing all right. I guess it's my fault that you lost your job, and I'm really sorry about that. I should have realized it was a full moon. I wasn't thinking clearly, though, and I honestly didn't even know that you were at Hogwarts, it was a shock to see you at the Shack.

I know you said you forgave me for mistrusting you, but I still feel like I need to apologize. So I'm sorry, Remus. I broke us all apart. You had good reason for mistrusting me, but we never should have doubted you (Lily never did, though, just so you know, she kept saying we were disloyal idiots).

Well, take care of yourself, Remus, and please check on Harry and send me news as soon as possible.

Love,

Padfoot.

PS. I swear, if you send me any more money I will just throw it to the sea, so don't bother.

Remus read Sirius' letter over and over again, rejoicing in every word. He hadn't received a letter from a friend in at least thirteen years. James' letter announcing Harry's birth might have been the last one, since after that he had had to go deep undercover with the werewolves. He certainly hadn't expected to ever see Sirius' handwriting again. He had written to him blindly a few weeks ago, hoping the owl would find him wherever he was, but clearly his hopes hadn't been too high.

He should have guessed that the stubborn dog would sent the money back. And he had no doubt that his friend would make good of his threat and throw any additional pound he sent into the sea, so there was no point in insisting. Although it really bothered him to think of Sirius living as a dog and eating lizards. At least he had a wand, that relaxed him considerably. He had tried to buy one to send him, but Ollivander had refused to sell him a wand for another person. Too late Remus had realized that he should have lied and said it was for himself. Although he had a feeling that the old wandmaker would have seen through his lie. What the man did was creepier than normal Legilimency.

It worried him what he said about his mental state, though, and about his difficulty doing magic. It wasn't unusual for people who had had too much exposure to Dementors to experience all sorts of mental and emotional disorders. In fact, by rights Sirius should be insane right now. His behaviour last year had suggested that, but in the end Remus had realized that Sirius had actually been pretty much lucid the entire time. He had wanted to believe that he could get his old friend back just the way he used to be, but of course that was foolish. Twelve years in Azkaban had messed Sirius' head, and the damage would probably never go away.

There was a chance that he might get better, though, with time and support. He shouldn't be alone now. Maybe Remus could go with him? It was too dangerous for Sirius to come back, but Remus was free of any engagement at the moment, and he had his savings from his year of employment, that Sirius had sent back. This money wasn't enough to pay for more than a few months of Wolfsbane (assuming that was something one could simply buy in an Apothecary, which was not) but it might be enough to take him across the world and support both of them for a while. They could be on the run together in some distant country, Remus helping Sirius with his recovery while Sirius kept Remus company during his transformations... For a few minutes, he allowed himself to dream with that, his heart beating loudly with the hope of healing and friendship.

But then Reality brutally crushed the dream.

They weren't twenty-years old anymore. They were both grown men, with serious problems and responsibilities.

Now they had Harry.

The moment James and Lily had died, Harry had become theirs to protect. Neither of them had done the job right so far, and they probably wouldn't be able to do much from then on, but if something was certain was that they at least had to try. They couldn't afford to hide themselves in some distant beach when James' son might be in danger here. Just as Sirius felt the urge to come back, Remus felt the obligation to stay. And unlike Sirius, he didn't have any good excuse to go on the run.

It was a hard choice, between going to help his last friend and staying to protect Harry, but he knew there wasn't really a choice at all.

What was that about Harry's scar? Remus might know more than Sirius about Harry's latest adventures, but this was the first he heard about his scar hurting. It had been a terrible shock to hear from Dumbledore last year about Voldemort's last attempt(s) to return. Until that moment, Remus had believed the monster gone for good, and he had rested reasonably at ease because of that. If he had known that Voldemort might come back, he was certain nobody would have been able to keep him away from the boy. He resented Dumbledore for not having shared with him his suspicions about it. He resented him for many things, actually, although he also would always be grateful for the opportunities he had given him. And the gratefulness was so deep that it just washed away any resentment. Whatever mistakes or questionable choices Dumbledore had made, it had been with the best of intentions.

So if Dumbledore had known about Harry's scar hurting and hadn't told him, he must have a good reason for that, just as he must have had a good reason for not telling him thirteen years ago that Voldemort wasn't really dead. It wasn't Remus' place to question if they had been good enough reasons, just to trust that they had.

Had Harry's scar hurt when Quirinus Quirrell had been around, then? And what did it mean that it had hurt now again? Remus' felt anxious. Voldemort couldn't be in Little Whinging, right? Dumbledore had at least told him about the blood wards. Harry was supposed to be safe in Petunia's house. Voldemort couldn't touch Harry, apparently that had been confirmed during the incident with the Philosopher's Stone (Remus could question a lot of Dumbledore's decisions regarding that incident, but it wasn't his place to question him, he reminded himself). Dumbledore had told him last year about Harry's close encounters with Death since he had gone to Hogwarts, and Remus still felt horrified whenever he remembered, especially since now Remus could add himself to the list of life threats Harry had faced.

Just in case, Remus did as Sirius had asked him to do, and went to check for himself that Harry was safe as soon as the sun had gone down. Dumbledore had forbidden him to bother Petunia with visits or owls, all those years ago, but this would just take a minute. Since he knew he couldn't do magic in the area without risking it being confused with underage magic, he Apparated quite a distance away in Surrey, and desillusionated himself before approaching on foot. Around half an hour later, he felt the subtle magic of the wards involving him. He breathed in relief, but kept walking. He wanted to catch a glimpse of Harry, if possible, to be able to confirm his safety to Sirius.

Without doing magic nor ringing the bell, he didn't have any choice but waiting in the dark, stalking the house. He had no idea where Harry slept, so he kept watch on all the windows. On floor level there were curtains blocking his view, so he could only see shapes moving, but there were several windows without curtains on the first floor, so maybe he would get lucky. He hoped he wouldn't have to stay here until morning, since he wasn't sure his Disillusionment Charm would last that long.

He almost lost hope when an hour later the last light in the house was turned off and Remus still had not caught a glimpse of anyone. He was trying to decide whether to leave and come back in the morning when he saw something encouraging. An owl had just crossed the sky and entered one of the first floor's windows. Any owl entering a house screamed of wizard, so Harry must be in there. That was enough confirmation for Remus.

He wished he could just knock at the door and have a cup of tea with Harry, as they had done at Hogwarts last year. Or at least to be able to write to him. He hesitated. He could write to the boy, right? Harry clearly received owl correspondence, so Dumbledore could no longer object to him bothering Petunia with owls. And it wasn't like before, when they hadn't yet met and it would have been uncomfortable for Harry to receive a letter from a complete stranger. Now they knew each other, they were even friendly, and Harry knew about his history with James and Sirius. Although they weren't really that close. Remus might see Harry like a godson, but Harry only saw him like a teacher. It would be presumptuous of him to write to him as if they were friends or family.

He sighed. No, he couldn't write to the boy. Although he wished Harry knew that he could write to Remus whenever he wanted, to ask for help or advice or whatever. It might be acceptable to write to him if only to tell him that. It took too long for an owl to reach Sirius wherever he was and come back, Harry should have someone closer to write for urgent matters, like his scar announcing Voldemort's proximity.

Remus glanced around nervously again. He knew he was inside the wards, but the idea of Voldemort being close set off his survival instincts. He trusted Dumbledore, but he also had seen too many people die at Voldemort's hands as to underestimate him. If there existed a way for someone to break through blood wards, no doubt that bastard would find it.

He felt like a kid afraid of the dark as he walked away from Petunia's house, all his muscles tense and his wand tightly gripped.

He only felt safe again when he walked through the Hogwarts' gates the next morning. Hagrid greeted him friendly as always, and Remus felt guilty for not having confessed what he had done during his last werewolf's escapade. Killing a unicorn had been a new low for Remus, but the shame paled next to the knowledge that he had almost killed several people that night, including Harry. If Sirius had not been there...

Remus shuddered. Sirius had saved them all from him. Personally, Remus would have rathered being executed by Severus on the spot than to risk being set loose on the grounds with only Sirius to restrain him, but unfortunately Severus had been unconscious at the time.

"All right there, Professor Lupin?" asked Hagrid gently.

"I'm not a Professor anymore, Hagrid," he corrected him sadly.

"Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten that. A shame, a shame... Great man, Dumbledore, isn't he? He gave us a chance. Not his fault that we're both a little wild at times."

Remus smiled. "A little wild" was an extremely tame way to describe the Werewolf Curse. Even a full giant would be less dangerous than Remus in the full moon. At least giants could control themselves, if they wanted to.

"He is a great man," he agreed. "And you too, Hagrid. I'm really glad that you got to be a teacher, despite everything. No one has a better hand with magical creatures than you."

Hagrid shook his head.

"I didn't do very well in my first year. The whole Buckbeak thing..." He sighed. "I hope he's all right. Hippogriffs don't like being alone, you know? They need their herd."

"I'm sure he's fine, Hagrid," said Remus firmly. He wished he could tell him that he knew that for a fact, and that the beast wasn't alone, but Hagrid wasn't the most discreet of people. "And you will do fine too teaching. Just maybe choose slightly less dangerous creatures for the younger years."

"Hippogriffs aren't dangerous!" Hagrid protested. "Just proud."

"I agree. But young students don't always know how to show proper respect to creatures."

"That's true, that's true... I just thought it would be fun. And it was, for some. Harry was smiling ear to ear when he landed after flying around on Buckbeak. That kid is at home in the air, I tell you."

Remus smiled again. Yes, Harry was a natural flier, he got that from James. It had been a pleasure to watch him, so free and relaxed... The boy seemed a different person in the air. In fact, despite his remarkable physical similarity to James, Harry only really resembled him when he was flying. The rest of the time he was more like Lily.

"All right, Professor Lupin, I leave you here," said the half-giant when they reached the main doors.

"Call me Remus, please."

Hagrid smiled.

"Remus, then. Take care, all right? And feel free to drop by for a cup of tea whenever you want."

They shook hands.

"Thank you, Hagrid."

As he walked through the empty castle towards Dumbledore's office, he berated himself once more about his inacceptable irresponsibility. How could he have forgotten to take his potion that night? How could he have just ignored Severus' reminder when they were in the Shrieking's Shack? He still didn't understand what the hell had been going on inside his head. He should have asked Sirius to stun him and restrain him as soon as Severus was unconscious, but the truth was that somehow he had completely forgotten that he was a werewolf a few minutes away from the full moon. He, Remus, whose entire life had been spent fearing that time of the month and what he might do as a monster, had forgotten. He knew what Sirius would say. Just the same that Dumbledore had said: he had had a lot going on at the time, discovering Sirius' innocence and Peter's treachery had probably sent him into shock or something. But of course that wasn't excuse enough for Remus.

"Ah, Remus!" greeted him Dumbledore with a warm smile and a twinkle in his blue eyes. "So good to see you!"

"Same here, Dumbledore," said Remus shaking the Headmaster's hand and taking the offered seat. "I'm sorry for coming without asking for an appointment first."

"Not a problem. I have plenty free time at this point of the summer. I actually intended to invite you over one of these days, to discuss certain matter. What can I do for you?"

"Well, first I wanted to enquire about Sirius' case. I know it's a long shot, but perhaps the memory I provided could be use to appeal?"

Dumbledore sighed sadly.

"I'm afraid that no one will admit evidence provided by a werewolf, Remus. It would put me in a difficult position in the Wizengamot if I tried to force it through. And without evidence it would be tricky to open a case, especially if Sirius doesn't surrender in good faith."

"It would be insane for Sirius to surrender when the Dementors have instructions to kiss him on sight," said Remus sharply.

"Indeed. Which is why we will have to wait to clear Sirius' name until Pettigrew is caught. For now, the important thing is that he's free and safe."

Remus sighed. It really was frustrating to know that Sirius was innocent and to even have a memory of Peter being alive and not being able to do anything but wait. It should be easy to clear an innocent man's name, or at the very least to give him a fair trial, but he supposed Dumbledore knew more about these things.

Better to move on to his next subject.

"I was also hoping you could give me some answers. I received a letter from Sirius yesterday, he said that Harry wrote to him telling him that his scar had hurt, and that the last time that had happened Voldemort had been at Hogwarts."

Dumbledore leaned back on his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"When was this?" he asked after a moment. "I mean Harry's last scar pain."

"I don't know. No more than a few weeks back, I'd say. Sirius' letter is not dated, probably so nobody can pinpoint his location by owl distance... He's worried."

"Well, the blood wards are still in place and strong," said Dumbledore. "I have recently checked. Harry is safe."

"I know. I was there yesterday," admitted Remus, then he rushed to add, "nobody saw me, and I didn't do any magic. I just needed to make sure he was all right."

The old wizard nodded in understanding.

"These are interesting news... I never thought to ask Harry about his scar. I'm guessing that last time Harry mentions must have been when Quirinus Quirrell was at Hogwarts being possessed by Voldemort. Or perhaps in the Chamber of Secrets..."

"What does it mean, Dumbledore? Why did his scar hurt?"

"Harry's scar is not a normal scar," said Dumbledore with a shrug. "Something happened that night in Godric's Hollow that connected him to Voldemort. Since it's an unique case, I can't even begin to guess right as to what any of it means. It's interesting to know, though."

"Could Voldemort have been in Little Whinging?" asked Remus, trying to keep his fear at bay.

Dumbledore was thoughtful.

"I don't know. Perhaps... Or it might not have anything to do with physical proximity. Voldemort is getting stronger, however, and there is a good chance that Pettigrew might have joined him by now."

"Peter?" asked Remus in dismay.

"I'm afraid so. He doesn't have anywhere else to go now, he has probably decided to take his chances with Voldemort again."

"But... why? I mean, if he remained hidden as a rat all these years, it would make sense for him to continue hiding..."

"He was only safe as a rat because we all thought he was dead. Now that we, and especially I, know the truth, it's just a matter of time before he's caught. I don't think he intended to remain hidden forever, anyway, not after the Philosopher's Stone incident. Before that, he must have thought that Voldemort was dead, like most people. But then Quirrell came by. And Pettigrew had access to Harry, remember, being Ronald's pet, so he would have known that Voldemort possessing Quirinus wasn't just a school's rumour. He probably began considering whether to run back to his old master around that time."

It was still hard for Remus to wrap his mind around the idea that Peter had betrayed them all. He had understood and raged instantly when he had found out, but he suspected that it would take him a while to completely assimilate the truth. It had taken him no time at all to let go of his mistrust of Sirius, but it was much harder to let go of good feelings than of bad ones. Until not so long ago, he had grieved Peter just as much as he had grieved James. His brain and heart were having a hard time processing the betrayal. He knew he should hate Peter, and the most conscious part of him sort of did, but he was still grieving for his lost friend. And he wondered... Why, Peter, why?

"Could Voldemort return with Peter's help?"

"He might." Dumbledore hesitated. "Actually, I have reasons to believe that he might be in the process of doing so."

There was certainty in the old man's eyes. Remus shivered. If Voldemort returned that would mean war again. More people dying, and Harry...

He stopped his thought process abruptly.

"You want me to go undercover with the werewolves again, don't you?" he asked, feeling suddenly really cold. "That's what you wanted to discuss."

A sad and tired expression appeared on Dumbledore's face.

"Yes, Remus. I'm afraid I must ask."

And there it went any chance of going abroad with Sirius, and even of corresponding with Harry. Remus felt a huge weight fell inside him. Once again, his cursed nature would take away whatever little consolations he had been able to find as a human.

"You can refuse, of course," added Dumbledore.

Remus wanted to refuse, more than anything. He had spent most of his life trying to differentiate himself from the rest of his kind, to overcome his monstrous nature. The last year he had almost managed to feel normal, accepted. Of course, it had all gone to hell as soon as his little furry problem became widely known, but it had been nice not to be feared nor despised for a while.

He would never have a chance like that again, he knew that. But he had hoped to be able to avoid falling too low. Maybe getting a Muggle job and get on with his writing project on his free time. Finding a safe place where Sirius could come hide with him. It wouldn't be a bad life at all, that one.

But if Voldemort really was coming back...

"How sure are you, Dumbledore? About Voldemort returning. Is it just a wild guess, or...?"

"Voldemort has been trying to return for a while now. As I understand it, only the lack of a servant to aid him has delayed him so far. I have recently received a report informing me that the place where I had last located Voldemort's spirit has returned to normal, which suggests he's on the move again. And it's likely that Pettigrew knew about such location, since I had mentioned it to Harry and Ronald."

Remus buried his face in his hands. Why, Peter, why? And why, why had Remus forgotten his potion that night? It sounded like if Voldemort returned it would be thanks to Peter, and Peter would not be free now if Remus had drank his damned potion. Or if he had killed the traitorous rat when he had the chance. Sirius might have been too screwed up at the time as to successfully cast a Killing Curse, but Remus had felt himself perfectly capable and willing. But no, it had been the right decision not to kill him, not in front of Harry and the other kids. It had actually been insane to think of murdering someone, no matter how guilty. Harry had saved them both from Azkaban.

They should have at least stunned Peter, though, or do something, anything, to make sure he didn't get away.

If war came again because of Peter, Remus would be responsible for that. So how could he refuse Dumbledore's mission? Last time, he had done it because it was the right thing to do, to fight. This time it would be out of guilt.

But not just that.

This second war would be about Harry. And Remus just couldn't allow James and Lily's son to ever be confronted to a transformed werewolf. Bad enough it had been to almost kill him himself two moons ago. But that had been an accident, and Remus would never risk it happening again. If Voldemort managed to recruit the werewolves, though, no one would be safe during the full moon.

"All right," he said at last, and he heard the bitterness in his voice. "I'll do it."

Remus cast the same complex concealing charm on the letter than they had cast on the map. He felt nostalgic as he saw the words disappear. No doubt Sirius would guess his password, just as Remus had guessed his. And not even Voldemort himself would be able to read anything concealed by two Marauders, he thought proudly as he saw the white owl fly away.

He had wanted to say much more in his last letter to his friend, but he didn't want it to be too obvious that he was saying goodbye. Sirius had an impulsive nature, and he had never been able to stay put when he thought one of his friends was in trouble. He might be already on his way back to Britain, to personally check on Harry. Hopefully, Remus' letter would reach him before he did anything rush.

He hoped that Sirius could still cast his own Patronus, or that he might eventually recover enough as to do it. He knew it was unlikely, though, so better if he stayed well away from Dementors.

He also hoped he wouldn't die amongst the werewolves, because that would crush Sirius.

Swallowing down a knot of anguish, he took another sheet of parchment and began a letter to whoever happened to be the next DADA teacher. He just felt that he had to do it, to give closure to his teaching experience. Writing about his former classes and students made him sad and warm inside at the same time, so he ended up smiling while shedding silent tears.

When he finally signed the letter, he felt as if he had closed forever the door to his only chance of a normal life.