Chapter 69

I'm afraid that you might have the wrong idea of how things were between Severus and your father and godfather, Harry. Severus was never a saint, but as a student he wasn't the Slytherin villain you probably imagine either, and James and Sirius... they weren't the noble Gryffindor heroes you probably imagine either, not at your age.

Harry stared at Lupin's sincere face while his world fell apart and everything inside him was brutally turned upside down.

James and Sirius treated Severus abominably when they were at school. They mocked him and taunted him all the time, played cruel pranks on him, stole and hid his belongings, ambushed him in empty bathrooms or deserted corridors, hexed him and humiliated him in public...

After hearing —or assimilating— that Sirius had tried to kill Snape as a joke, it wasn't too shocking —although it felt like a hippogriff's kick to the chest— to learn that he had been a bully, but his father...

Severus tried to fight back, but they ganged up on him, so he usually ended up pretty bruised, mortified, and angry to the point of tears.

This couldn't be. Harry knew all too well how it felt to be beaten down and humiliated by a bunch of bullies in front of a crowd, and it was unbearable to think that his father had done that to someone. There had to be an explanation, a reason, something that could make it acceptable, justifiable...

"Why...?" he asked desperately. "Why would they...? What did Snape...?"

But he couldn't finish any question, because there was no possible excuse, he knew. No matter how nasty Snape might have been, or what he might have done, stealing his things, ambushing him in secluded corners, ganging up on him and humiliating him to the point of tears was just wrong. It was simply indefensible, the sort of thing people like Dudley did, that Slytherins like Malfoy or Marcus Flint did, that Death Eaters did. Images of floating Muggles struggling in midair while people laughed all around during the World Cup filled Harry's nauseated mind, and knowing that Snape might have been one of the Death Eaters responsible for that didn't make any difference. Harry could not condone bullying even if the victim were Voldemort himself, not because Voldemort didn't deserve to be humiliated —he probably did— but because someone who did that to another person was just as rotten.

"Severus was a proud Slytherin," said Lupin in response to his unformulated questions. "He made no secret from day one that he thought James and Sirius were brainless clowns not worth his notice, and his scornful attitude rubbed them the wrong way. Sirius hated anything Slytherin on principle, and James... I think he felt threatened by Severus, who was probably the first person he met who considered him a laughable moron for wanting to be a Gryffindor and whose derisive opinions weren't so easy to dismiss given that he didn't fit the Slytherin stereotype James had grown up disparaging. Severus always had a haughty way of looking and sneering at people that made hard to disregard his snide remarks, and it wasn't easy to come up with rejoinders clever enough to outwit him, so James and Sirius resourced to less honourable ways to beat him down, frequently aiming their jibes under the belt or arguing their points with force rather than words."

Despite knowing that there could be no possible excuse, Harry was still desperately waiting for an explanation, something that at least made Snape deserving of punishment, but to his increasing despair it sounded like Snape's only crime had been to be a disdainful Slytherin with an unsurprizingly low opinion on Gryffindors. Of course Harry knew just how scornful and provoking Snape could be, and more than once he had wanted to punch the sneering git in the face to get him to stop mocking and insulting everything Gryffindor and Potter, but what really angered him about Snape was the unfairness, the powerlessness he felt being treated like that by a teacher he wasn't even allowed to talk back to. Harry didn't like Slytherins because they were all arseholes to him, but he wouldn't attack someone just for being a Slytherin or for thinking that Gryffindors were morons... Well, he had considered countless times to punch or curse Malfoy just to shut him up, and sometimes the prospect seemed worth the several months of detention with Snape that it would cost him, but fighting wasn't the same than bullying, not at all. Harry might not have many qualms about whacking or hexing Malfoy, but he would never do something as cowardly and cruel as ambushing the prat with a gang of friends and humiliating him until he cried.

"Severus' interest in the Dark Arts, as well as his Slytherin affiliation, made James and Sirius feel justified in attacking him," was saying Lupin, "and he was an irresistible target: easy to provoke into anger, easy to find alone, he never told the teachers-"

"So they just attacked him for no reason?" cut him off Harry, feeling sick. "Snape didn't even do anything to them, he was just Snape being Snape, and they..."

Lupin gave him a strange look that Harry couldn't decipher.

"It was Snape being Snape what they couldn't stand," he said slowly. "His mere existence was a provocation to them, especially to James, who saw him as his competition." The man hesitated, seeming to considerer for a moment whether to say something else, before continuing, "They usually attacked him without a concrete provocation, when they were bored. It was... like a hobby to them. And an entertainment for people in general, given that James liked to make a show of it. Severus wasn't a harmless victim, though. As long as he had a wand in his hand he fought like a demon, and while he usually got overpowered when they ambushed him, he always got even afterwards, setting booby traps for them, jinxing them without them realizing, slipping embarrassing potions into their pumpkin juice... He often made fools of them when he retaliated, which made James and Sirius furious and drove them to go even harder on him next time."

Harry felt as if he were trapped in a nightmare. His father and Sirius sounded like Dudley and his gang, hunting down the freak because they were bored, targeting him because he existed, getting furious when their victim dared striking back. And Snape sounded like him. Only it must have been a lot worse to be bullied being older, and in Hogwarts, where bullies had magic at their disposal and it was harder to live down the public humiliation. Harry honestly didn't know how he would cope if Malfoy and his cronies ever managed to overpower him and made a spectacle of him in front of everyone like Dudley used to do. He knew that people would come in his defence, though —even in his less popular times he had always had someone on his side here at Hogwarts—, while it sounded like Snape had had no one to back him up.

It was mind-blowing to imagine the intimidating Potions Master in that position, and conflicting to realize that the man also knew how it felt to be powerless, laughed at, to need to do something to make them pay. Harry had learned not to openly retaliate, since touching a single hair of Dudley's head meant trouble with Uncle Vernon, but he had gotten even in subtle ways whenever he could, even if it wasn't nearly revenge enough and even if it only made things worse when the Dursleys suspected he had done something to their precious Dudders. Not to mention the consequences if his anything-but-subtle accidental magic ever kicked in in response to some enraging provocation.

"Hostilities kept escalating over the years," continued Lupin with a sigh, "and their enmity came to a head in fifth year, when there were several ugly incidents, including Sirius' deadly prank and one particular public humiliation from which Severus probably never completely recovered. After that Severus began to hang out with really nasty people from Slytherin, all future Death Eaters, so things got more serious and it became harder for James and Sirius to get to him. Severus also became more powerful and dangerous, to the point that by seventh year they couldn't always take him down even if they outnumbered him, and they hesitated to go after him because of the high probability that Severus would use unknown spells or Dark Magic against them."

Feeling like a caged animal inside his own skin, Harry climbed to his feet and began to pace back and forth within the circle of odious blue light cast by the fire jar —they all hated the conjured flames with a passion by this point, since the bluish glow was a constant reminder of the Goblet of Fire, but Hermione's charm was safer and more practical than a real fire so they kept using it.

This was definitely a nightmare. Not only his father and Sirius seemed to have been real arseholes at school, it sounded like they might have been the reason why Snape had begun to hang out with future Death Eaters and eventually become a Death Eater himself. Was that what Voldemort had promised him to win him to his side? Protection? Power to defend himself from any bullies? Sweet revenge? Harry had no trouble understanding how such promises could have been enough to tempt him and even to make the price of murdering his own father seem worth it. He himself probably would have been willing to pay any price and join the darkest of wizards if someone had offered him power and protection a few years before the miraculous arrival of his Hogwarts letter, when he hadn't had any hope of getting away from the Dursleys anytime soon and he hadn't yet known anything except that his life was hell.

Harry shivered and pushed that disturbing thought to the back of his mind, hoping Dumbledore would never find it. He pushed aside what he had learned about Snape too, unsettling as it was, since right now there was an even more disturbing revelation wreaking havoc inside him and he just couldn't process everything at once.

"Snape was right about them, wasn't he?" he asked hollowly, stopping his pacing and looking down at Lupin, who was watching him with plain concern in his gentle eyes. "He always said that my father was a jerk, and he said that Sirius deserved Azkaban even if he had not betrayed my parents."

"I don't think anyone deserves Azkaban, Harry," said the man gravely.

"You made him sound like just a prankster," accused him Harry, getting angry. "As if trying to kill Snape had been just a joke that got out of hand. But it wasn't a prank, none of that was even remotely funny!"

"I never said it was-"

"You said that Sirius thought it would be amusing! He actually laughed last year in the shack when you brought it up! He tried to kill someone, and he laughed!"

"I don't think Sirius tried to kill him, Harry," said Lupin as he too climbed to his feet, perhaps realizing that Harry wasn't calming down and was more likely to start throwing curses than to sit down again. "In Sirius' mind probably it was Severus' fault, since it was his choice to follow me during the full moon-"

"But he knew that Snape would follow you, and that he would die," said Harry coldly. "And my father didn't give a damn about Snape either, did he? I bet he laughed afterwards too, and that he mocked him and made fun of him because he was scared of a werewolf." Lupin's uncomfortable expression said it all. "You made him sound like a hero, last year, but he was just as bad as Sirius!"

"Harry-"

"Snape said that my father was a vainglorious attention-seeker full of himself," he cut him off, "always strutting around the place with his friends and admirers. Is that true too?"

"Severus only knew one side of James and Sirius, Harry, and he only knew them as teenagers. They both cooled off with time, especially Ja-"

"Is it true?" demanded Harry brusquely.

Lupin sighed.

"At your age... yes," he finally admitted. "James was vain, cocky, arrogant, and he enjoyed being the center of attention. His flying talent and frequent Quidditch victories, as well as his good-looks and natural charm, made him very popular and swelled his head. He liked to show off and flaunt his new brooms, bragged about the feats he had pulled off and the mischief he had gotten away with, and he never missed a chance to rub in Severus' face both his pureblood status and his family's opulence and connections."

Harry grabbed his hair in despair and shook his head, wishing he could erase from it everything that Lupin had said. Wishing it weren't true. He felt again the urge to fly away from this nightmare, or knock himself out with that last phial of Dreamless Sleep he was saving for the night before the Third Task, or walk into the lake with his golden egg and just drift away listening to the mermaids... He also felt an urge to break things, though, to yell, curse, cry. He wanted to confront Sirius, and Dumbledore, and perhaps Hagrid too...

"Why had no one told me the truth?!" he yelled at the only person he had available to yell at. "Except for Snape, everyone else always said my father was a wonderful person, I felt proud of being his son, but he sounds worse than Malfoy!"

Lupin eyed him warily, probably because the flames in the jar had spontaneously changed colour from blue to orange in response to the angry outburst. Harry glanced incredulously at the now normal-looking fire, feeling a surge of annoyance at the realization that he had just done accidentally what he had been trying to do that on purpose for months without the slightest success.

"James was definitely an idiot as a teenager, same as Sirius," said the man cautiously, "and his enmity with Severus brought out the worst of him, but he wasn't a bad person, Harry-"

"How can you say that?" snapped Harry. "How can you defend someone like that? How could you be friends with them?"

It didn't make sense. Lupin was kind, humble, thoughtful. Last year he had been ridiculously nice even to the Slytherins, even though most of them scorned him. He had helped Neville gain confidence and confront his fears, and Harry knew that he had zero tolerance for bullying. He had been defending Snape, just moments ago, and yet now he had the nerve to defend Sirius and his father too. And there was guilt in his eyes, shame...

"You bullied him too, didn't you?" said Harry, feeling as if he were seeing the man for the first time and wishing again to fly away before he could be hit by any more disappointing truths.

"No, Harry, I-"

"Don't deny it!" he yelled, drawing his wand and pointing it threateningly at the deceptively kind werewolf when the man made a movement as if to reach for him across the fire. "The four of you insulted Snape in the Marauder's Map, I remember, and he hates you too. You all ganged up on him, didn't you?"

He had been stupid not to realize sooner, he could almost hear Snape telling him so. How else would Lupin know everything that his father and godfather had done? He had been there, like Wormtail, all having fun together with their favourite target.

"Please listen, Harry," pleaded Lupin, looking desperate to approach but wisely keeping his distance. "I never did anything to Severus, I swear. I never even insulted him, that charm in the map is set to randomly select insults from a list and pair them with a random Marauder. Severus hates me because I was friends with James and Sirius, and because of what I am, and because even when I was a Prefect I never did anything to stop them-"

"You just stood aside and watched, is that it?" guessed Harry, looking at Lupin with disgust. There was always someone like that in Dudley's gang. "You were just the lookout, hell of a lot better!"

The man's silence and guilty eyes were confirmation enough of his passive involvement.

"You should go," said Harry harshly. "You came to meet with Dumbledore, so go! Go talk to him about me, like you did last summer, and while you're at it tell him I'm so fucking grateful for his honesty. You can go visit Sirius too, laugh together remembering the good old times, maybe take him away so the Weasleys don't get in trouble harbouring a murderous jerk."

"Harry..."

"GO!" snarled Harry, aiming his wand at the man's chest. "You think I won't curse you? You're not my teacher anymore, and the Goblet protects me so you can't fight back. It might do you good to know how that feels like."

Lupin had opened his mouth again to try to give some lame excuse when something distracted him and he raised his eyes to the sky. Harry didn't need to turn to know what had caught his attention, since he had heard the familiar clicking sound that Krum always made to announce his approach —all his fellow champions knew that it was dangerous to startle him. They must have seen the fire changing colour from afar and taken it as a signal to fly back —although judging by how fast they had gotten here they might have been already on their way or at least flying close by.

"What's going on, Harry?" asked Fleur anxiously, landing first by his side and drawing her wand as she dismounted.

Krum landed next, and then Cedric, both of them adopting defensive positions at his flanks and also drawing their wands.

"No need for wands," said Lupin, raising his hands in a pacifying gesture and glancing between them uneasily. "Just a family argument that got a little heated."

"We're not family," spat Harry. "You never cared about me!"

"Please, Harry," implored the man. "I do care, I-"

"You never tried to contact me!" yelled Harry, shaking from anger or anguish or a combination of both. "I didn't even know you existed until last year! You were right outside the Dursleys' house last summer and didn't even say hello. Not a single letter, ever!"

"Harry, I can expl-"

"I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" he bellowed, feeling his wand vibrating with the need to do something, anything, to make this unbearable feeling go away.

"Potter, lower your wand," commanded Krum firmly. "You do not want to harm this man."

"Yeah, Harry, get a grip," said Cedric. "Whatever the problem is, I'm sure you would regret it if you hurt Professor Lupin."

It was Fleur who took the risk of touching him, carefully sliding a hand along his arm until she reached his wrist and gently closing her fingers around it. Harry didn't resist when she pushed his arm down, and he even let her prise his wand out of his hand, knowing on some level that he couldn't trust himself with a wand right now and that Krum would not hesitate to disarm or stun him if he seemed out of control.

"You should go, sir," said Krum in a threatening tone. "Give Potter time to cool off."

Lupin ran both hands through his hair. There were tears in his eyes, noticed Harry with a conflicting mixture of emotions he couldn't even begin to dissect.

"I don't want to leave things like this, Harry," said the man, his voice sounding disturbingly like an agonizing howl. "I don't know when or if I will have another chance to talk to you, to explain-"

"Is that what this is?" asked Harry, feeling suddenly very cold. "You think I will die in two weeks so you want to confess all the crap you never told me? You just want to get it off your chest while you still have the chance?"

"No, Harry, that's not-"

"Because if that's what brought on all this unprecedented honesty," he spat, "I have better things to do with my remaining time than listening to your pathetic excuses."

"Please, Harry," implored Lupin again. "I won't attempt to give excuses, and I won't try to defend James or... his friends," he said, mindful of their audience. Even at this moment, the man cared more about protecting Sirius than he had ever cared about Harry, and Harry felt like screaming or crying at the sudden awareness of all the worry and effort he had invested on keeping Sirius safe and free when Sirius didn't deserve any of it. "But there are still things I think you should hear," insisted Lupin, "things you need to know about Severus... and about your mother."

Despite his tempestuous mood, Harry hesitated. He had always wanted to hear about his mum, to learn what sort of person she had really been —most of what he knew about her were lies that Aunt Petunia had told him growing up—, but now he was suddenly terrified to find out. Hagrid had spoken highly of her, but he had also said that his father had been a great person, and plainly that had been a big fat lie. Lily Potter had looked so innocent and kind in the Mirror of Erised, but that had just been Harry's heart desire, he knew, and while she also looked like a good person in the photo album Hagrid had given him, it was also obvious that she had been happy to marry a bully. One of Harry's favourite pictures showed her laughing with his dad and a young Sirius on their wedding day, and there was one where she looked at James lovingly right before kissing him.

"I don't want to know," he said shaking his head. He didn't think he could handle hearing that his mum had been part of the crowd laughing and cheering while his father humiliated Snape. "If she married an arsehole she couldn't have been much better."

"No, Harry, Lily-"

"STOP DEFENDING THEM!" roared Harry, closing his hands into fists for lack of a wand and feeling his magic crackling inside him. Several hands rushed to restrain him to keep him from lunging at a werewolf. "I SAID I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"You really should go, Professor," said Cedric urgently. "Harry can do a lot of damage, and I don't think he needs his wand if he's angry enough. He blew up his aunt by accident last year..."

Lupin glanced at the jar filled with now orange flames before focusing his anguished eyes on Harry again, and while the man hadn't drawn his wand and still looked as if he wanted to reach for him Harry could tell that he was afraid of his volatile power and anxious to put some distance from the dangerously unbalanced Harry Potter. On his part, being reminded of the incident with Aunt Marge had precipitated another wave of painful resentment, because that wouldn't have happened if Lupin had ever taken an interest in him or if Harry had known that he could threaten Uncle Vernon with a werewolf the way he had threatened him with a mass murderer last summer. Lupin said he cared, and talked about family, but he had never bothered to find out whether Harry was fine living with the Dursleys, he had never let him know there was someone out there he could reach out to if he needed help, had never offered him an alternative place to go if he ever found himself adrift and homeless, wandering the streets in the middle of the night because he had just blown up his aunt and his uncle wanted to kill him.

There was a part of him that wasn't immune to the pain in Lupin's eyes, though, a part that felt guilty for taking all his frustrations out on the pitiful werewolf when Harry's anger was actually directed at multiple people including himself. And there was also a part that secretly wished Lupin would ignore the dismissal and refuse to go, a part that wanted to give the man a chance to prove that he cared, to explain and say something, anything, that made everything all right again.

Lupin didn't insist on staying, however. After giving him a last sorrowful look he just bent his head in defeat and turned to go, and Harry was too confused, hurt and angry to call him back so he just watched him walk into the night in conflicted silence.

He didn't know how to feel at the certainty that Snape wouldn't have gone, not without first making him choke down a Calming Draught or two. That artificial calm would have come with a string of nasty insults attached, of course, but Harry would take the most poisonous vitriol over the unmanageable wreckage he had been left with.

And maybe... maybe he deserved some of the insults.