"Have I mentioned how much I hate horses?" I growled, trying and failing to get comfortable on the beast's back. Just as I had been trying and failing for the past two weeks. "Next time we make Isabella take us by sea no matter how awful the weather is."
Merrill smiled, looking more at ease on her dark steed. When she spoke a bit of fog escaped her lips, just as it had from my own. "I think that's the seventh time you've said that, lethallan. And they're more ponies than horses."
She was probably right, about both. Our mounts weren't very tall, and had an almost shaggy coat with a very thick mane. The better to keep them warm, just as Merrill and I were dressed in thick layers, with fur cloaks sheltering us from the cool winter air.
"And I did tell you we should have taken that wagon anyway." She went on, a gloved hand tugging her outfit a bit tighter while other kept hold of the reigns. "You're the one that said it would be too slow, and now it looks like we're going to get rained on again."
I glanced up, not hiding my grimace. Sure enough the skies were darkening to the west and north, a line of clouds steadily approaching. A second look let me see the distant sheets of water falling from them, ready to drench us for the third time since we'd left Wycome.
A wagon would have definitely been too slow. We'd probably only be getting to Markham, instead of nearly being to where Varric was supposed to be waiting for us, but dammit if something covered wouldn't have been nice to have.
The Free Marches may have been far enough north to only get small bits of snow in winter, but by fucking God did it get cold and miserably wet. We'd have been bogged down more than a week ago if not for the fact that we were following the outer edges of the Vinmarks, the stony soil holding up better than the plains just north of us. Those were a quagmire of mud that would probably kill our ponies, and then us, in short order.
"Let's see if we can pick up the pace." I said, unable to really argue with her. "That map we stole said there's some kind of ruin out here. If we're lucky we'll be able to take shelter for a bit."
Merrill gave me a nod. "A roof would be nice tonight, lethallan."
A gentle kick got my brown haired steed up to a trot, then the closest thing to a gallop that it could manage. Merrill got hers speeding along as well, the horses not protesting the pace for once. They were probably just as eager to not get rained on as we were, and it didn't take much encouragement to keep them moving.
We rode along the hard dirt of the road that connected Markham to Kirkwall, following it along the sloping hills for what felt like a half hour or so before we began to reach the edges of a forest. About two miles inside of the thick rows of pine trees we found what we were looking for; a deliberate clearing near a small hill, with crumbling structures littered around it.
I couldn't tell if it the ruins were Tevene or Elven, and the forest had consume most of the stone regardless. All except for one building that had clearly been repaired using scavenged materials and local wood to create something like a small barn.
I'm not sure who was happier when we finally slowed down, or when I got off; me or the horse. I shook my legs out while he tossed his head back, letting me lead him toward the entrance just ahead of Merrill. The first raindrops started coming down right around then, inspiring me to hurry up about getting under that roof. Sure enough, as always in this part of Thedas, those few drops were all the warning we had. Merrill had hardly gotten her own pony under the shelter before a downpour began, both of us drawing deeper as the wind began to pick up into gusty howls.
"Posts in back." I called, spotting them. "I'll check for anyone else if you start on these two."
Merrill giggled quietly, tugging her hood off as she led her mount over. "You just don't want to take care of the ponies."
"Don't make me sound like I never do." I complained, tying the reigns to the first post I could get to, patting the beast on the side. "It's not like I abuse this guy. I'm just not a... outdoors, horsey kind of girl."
"I know, lethallan." She said with a smile, getting her pony tied up beside mine. "At least these two aren't big horses, like the ones in Kirkwall. Or Ferelden. They were rather intimidating."
They really had been. The war horses that the various Knights had used in the jousting especially. Not that we'd really had to interact with them, but the few times I'd seen them being led past had been bad enough.
Leaving her to make sure there was water in the trough near the post, I started poking around the shelter, making sure that we weren't intruding on someone. Not that I really cared about intruding, but I didn't especially want to deal with anyone who thought Elves didn't deserve to breathe the same air as them today.
I'd had enough of that in Hercina and Markham.
Shaking off those unpleasant stops, I focused on prowling around the interior of the space. There were a few small divisions inside, creating small alcoves, but there weren't doors or anything. Just two small fire-pits that hadn't seen use in quite a while, a bit of firewood in a corner, a discarded sleeping roll that proved to be empty, and a ladder leading up to a small balcony floor above us.
A careful climb let me see that it was empty as well. Dusty, and a bit wet from leaks in the roof, but empty.
Dropping back down to the ground, I padded over to help Merrill get the ponies fed once they'd had their fill of water. While they munched away on their feed we got their saddles off, checked their backs for sores, and then started getting our own things ready for the night.
Merrill got started on a cooking fire, leaving me to roll out the single sleeping bag we'd been sharing, rearranging the stuff in my main pack to create a pillow. With that out of the way, I started pulling food out.
"Is the bread still good?" She asked.
I pulled the last loaf out, turning it over. "No blue or green, no white fuzzies either. As damp as it is I don't think that'll last, so we should finish it off tonight. We can warm it up a bit with the fire."
The scent of wild flowers, and the feeling of a woman's hair in my hands, betrayed her use of magic; flames crackling to life amid the kindling she'd set up. I walked over, bringing the loaf with, sitting down beside her.
I handed the loaf over, letting her pull a knife out to start cutting it into smaller bits. We warmed it over the smoldering fires, then started eating.
We'd have to enjoy it. Starting tomorrow we'd be back to hard tack and what little dried meat we had left. I'd planned on getting more food in Markham. More bread, fruit and vegetables at a minimum. Maybe a fish or two to roast.
It had been a good plan. Until we'd gotten there and realized that Markham was not the kind of city that would just let a pair of random Elves inside. None of the merchants outside of the walls had wanted anything to do with Elves traveling on their own, and the city guards hadn't wanted to let us in without papers proving we were some noble's servants. My temper had nearly started a brawl, and only Merrill dragging me away had stopped a real incident from occurring.
Not that she'd been any happier, but she had infinitely more self control when it came to that kind of thing. Long story short, we'd camped well outside of the walls, and then we'd burgled an outlaying bakery. Two knocked out cooks and a tied up serving girl later, and we had enough bread to feed us for the three days we'd been riding since. But now... ugh.
"Back to hardtack and jerky after this." I tore off another bite, swallowing it down before going on, "Damned Bartrand couldn't have waited until spring to show up again?"
Merrill shrugged helplessly. "It could be worse. Varric could have never found him again."
"True." I admitted, turning to look into our little fire. "Very true. I'm just praying that we find that idol so that we can destroy it."
"...I think that would be smart." Merrill ate her last bit of crust, chewing carefully before swallowing. "Do you think we really will find him? Bartrand, I mean. Not Varric."
I blew out a breath, planting my hands on the dirt and leaning back a little, looking past the fire into the sheets of rain pounding down outside.
"No." I said finally. "I don't think we'll find Bartrand. I think he's long dead by now. Murdered for that damned idol, probably. Or maybe he starved to death in the wild, obsessing over the thing. Either way I don't see us actually finding him after this long. You?"
She shifted, removing her heavy cloak as the fire picked up a little, laying it out beside her.
Then she shook her head, sighing sadly. "I think he's dead too. It's going to make Varric very sad, but I don't think he'll be there. Wherever it is that we're going."
I couldn't say much to that, if only because I really had no idea what kind of lead would have brought Varric out this far from Kirkwall. There just... well, there wasn't all that much out here, if I was being honest. Plenty of small noble estates surrounded by farms, owing their loyalty to either Starkhaven or Markham, but I couldn't see any of those being consumed by the Idol's effects.
Someone would have noticed long before now, and we'd have heard about the resulting chaos.
My other worry, that it was Corypheus, also didn't really seem to apply. I was pretty sure that part of the game had been much deeper into the mountains. If Varric was really going to bring us up onto those rocks I was reasonably certain he'd have warned us in his letter.
"We'll get this figured out." I said finally. "And make sure he doesn't get too depressed when nothing comes of it."
Merrill nodded. "That sounds like a plan. Um, how are we sleeping tonight?"
Another good question. It was smarter to sleep in shifts, taking watch, but the rain was going to make the night even colder than usual. We'd be a lot more comfortable cuddled up under as many layers as possible than we'd be having to switch places every few hours.
"Think you can put up a ward by the door to wake us up if someone comes?" I asked.
"Of course!" She promptly rose, darting off to grab her staff. The comforting sensations of her magic began to wash over me once again as she wandered around, setting them up. I tried not to look at the glowing sigils she left behind on the walls.
Most of the time I could tune out her magic. I'd experienced it so many times that the taste, smell, touch, and the audible parts of it just kind of faded into the background unless I was actively focusing on it. Sadly the bright green sparks that settled into patterns were a lot harder to ignore, and I found myself watching the rain more than her.
Eventually I got around to tossing more fuel to the fire, then generally getting ready for bed.
In spite of the precautions I really didn't think anyone was going to intrude on us. Not in this weather, not out in the middle of nowhere. Few people honestly traveled around in Thedas. Not far from their homes at least. Both because of the threats, such as darkspawn or bandits, but also because food preservation techniques weren't exactly great.
People of means stuck to ships, either on the ocean or on rivers. Where those weren't available, they followed the big, main roads that had inns every twenty miles or so. Roads like the one we were on probably didn't see much traffic beyond the odd merchant caravans, and those wouldn't keep moving in the rain, or in the dark. Similarly, any criminals trying to prey on those caravans would know the same, and wouldn't be any more eager to wander through the freezing rain than their targets.
Still, better to be paranoid.
Covering up a yawn, I put a final log into the flame, then dragged the bedroll a little closer before starting to peel layers off. It got cold, fast, but I'd sweat like a pig if I didn't lose some of the excess clothes. Laying them out nearby, I made sure to leave my sword where I'd be able to grab it if anything did set off the wards.
Another yawn came as I crawled into the medieval sleeping bag wearing my thin inner shirt and pants, getting myself as comfortable as I could. I heard Merrill bustling around some more, heard her own clothes starting to hit the ground.
Then she was carefully slipping in beside me, back to my front, letting me start the night as the big spoon.
I resisted her first hesitant little push back, trying to get me to properly cuddle with her.
The second time made me sigh in defeat, an arm sliding around a waist that was...
No. I didn't care about how slim it was. How warm it was through her own thin shirt. How nice it felt to have her pulled against my front. Everything was perfectly normal in the land of denial.
I was, in fact, so in control of myself that when she wriggled a little more, I immediately began pulling my magic up and over me in a steady pattern. The waves of it washed up my legs, my waist, my chest, and then crashed down over my eyes, carrying me instantly into darkness for the handful of seconds it took for my eyes to open again.
When they did, it was to find that I'd left the waking world behind in favor of entering another.
I sat up in the Fade, stretching my arms out with a long groan. A quick look around showed my Dream-Catcher humming along quite nicely, and far more quietly than it once had. The magic still wasn't exactly efficient, or actually all that quiet, but according to Longing it didn't sound like a screaming jet engine in the Fade anymore.
Now she compared it more to a motorcycle with a shitty muffler. So, you know, progress I guessed.
Standing up, I paced a quick circle around, confirming that there weren't any dangerous spirits lurking outside of it. For once my usual stalkers seemed to be absent; no Terror or Despair demons were lounging outside, waiting for me. No Guilt or Grief lurking about. The only company I had was a small, cat-shaped Spirit of Curiosity, which began wagging its tail when I drew closer.
"Hey there." I told it. "I've seen you around before, haven't I? Poking around my magic again?"
It bobbed its head, apparently not powerful enough to speak to me through the Catcher. Fortunately it was clever, unlike most other spirits, and its tail began to draw glowing letters in the air beside it so that we could communicate without me lowering my shield.
Fascinating spell! A cross between a miniaturized Veil and a localized Ward! How did you accomplish it?
"Trial, error, and luck." I replied, not giving the thing any details. Curiosity was pretty safe to talk to, as far as spirits went, but the little bastards were persistent as hell. And, according to Longing, very chatty, very eager to trade information for whatever it was curious about at the moment. I needed a lot of things, but other people figuring out how to make my Dream-Catchers wasn't one of them. Not when it might let them figure out how to breach them as well.
The little guy practically vibrated with excitement. I must know more!
"You won't." I told it. "Sorry, but that's my secret to keep. Go on. I'm calling the Spirit of Longing, and she won't be thrilled at having company."
The little spirit glowered as best a cat could, but bounded off into the mists surrounding us without another signing another word.
I gave it a bit of time to move off before raising my voice, yanking at the invisible tether connecting me to my demonic sponsor.
"Longing. Get your purple ass down here, we need to talk."
Her response came in the form of a quote, "At once, dear host."
I pursed my lips as purple colored mist began to flood down from above, snaking through my Catcher without slowing, coalescing into the classical form of a Demoness. Her general appearance remained the same as it always had; light purple skin, elegant features, and swept back horns curling around rather like a Qunari woman's.
She'd changed her outfit a few times over the past few years, and now she was back to wearing my old sleeping kimono, unbelted, the better to show off the lacy lingerie she wore beneath. One hand held the long smoking pipe I'd experimented with as a freshman in college, the tobacco within smoldering.
"Ahhhh." She grinned on seeing me, looking up and down my spiritual self with every sign of approval. "Desire and little else for once... ohhh. Is that honest lust, Maeve? How long has it been?"
I crossed my arms, glowering. "The last time you sent me a dream of Hawke, and I didn't speak to you for a month."
"Yes, that was it." Longing replied with an easy smile. "You do know that Merrill would be enthusiastic it if you woke and, what is your phrase... ah. Made a move."
My jaw clenched.
I did know that. I'd known it for the last three months, ever since I'd accidentally listened into Merrill begging Isabella for advice.
About me.
About how her feelings for me weren't exactly sisterly, and what she should do about it.
Isabella, begin Isabella, had immediately launched into giving her all kinds of advice that had honestly surprised me. The surprise hadn't been that she'd been helping Merrill try to seduce me, I could have guessed that would happen. The surprise was that her advice was, worryingly, rather good. A lot better than I'd have expected.
She warned Merrill against trying anything too blatantly overt, or against trying to court me like Petrice once had. She'd said I'd react poorly to either, and she was probably right about that.
Instead she'd told Merrill to do little things. Be touchier when I helped her work on her Eluvian, volunteer to spar with me instead of leaving it to Fiolya or Isabella, tie her shirts up when we were alone in our rooms to show off her belly button. Do some of the little things Isabella had clearly noted I was weak to whenever Isabella herself did them.
I'd done my best to keep our relationship both chaste and sisterly, to not react. I even thought I'd dissuaded her.
Either she'd gone back to Isabella for more advice before we left, or else she'd thought of removing the bedroll from my pack on her own. Either way I'd been rather floored that first night to realize we only had the one on us instead of the two I was certain I'd packed. Leaving us sharing one, giving her plenty of opportunities to either hold me, or be held, depending on how she felt that particular night.
Merrill may have been shy, but she was damned clever when she wanted to be.
"It's not happening, and you know why." I said. "Ease off the creep emotion eater train."
Longing gave me a flat look, "You know that I literally can't ease up on that, just like you know that you're going to break her heart sooner or later. You need to tell her at least part of the truth. If you don't, that later is going to draw unsavory attention on this side."
"Because you're the expert?" I sniped.
"On matters of lust and desire? Yes." She snapped back. "I may not interact with her dreams per our arrangement, but I certainly observe them."
I winced. "I don't want to-"
"She wants your first time to be in your homeland." Longing spoke over me, confirming fears I'd been trying to keep buried. "To fully confess her infatuation only when she's done something worthy of you by using her Eluvian to bring you home."
Pain. Right in the soul.
Shaking my head, I turned away from the spirit, stalking a few paces and planting my hands on my hips. Breathing deeply didn't really mean anything in the Fade, but I pretended it was helping calm me down.
I heard Longing pace over, clawed fingers resting on my shoulders. A gentle massage began that felt too good to stop.
"Her desires for you have grown ever since you first met." She said more quietly, more gently. "Aiding her as much as you have with her Eluvian caused them to grow, to evolve, to deepen. The one you call Hawke inspired her to act on them, just as Isabella seeks to see you both indulge in desire."
"...I can't." I shook my head. "I can't, Longing. I made my rule to not be with anyone here for a damned good reason. They can't come with me when I go home. And even if they could, can you imagine Merrill on Earth? Even if she transformed into a Human on the way across, which I'm still really fucking hoping I will, she'd be forsaking her people. Forever. How would she handle that?"
Longing's fingers stilled, then I felt a warm gust of air on my neck. "I am no expert on the other emotions, but I would guess badly."
Worse than badly, in my opinion.
Her fingers continued to work at my shoulders. "Speaking of Merrill. I have the answer to the question you asked some months ago."
I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. This wasn't the best time for that particular discussion, but it was something I had to deal with all the same.
"Took you long enough. What is it?" I asked.
"After the creation of his Veil, the Dread Wolf deactivated most of what was left of the Eluvian network, changing what you might call the master password to one that only he and his followers knew. Certain blood magics can be used to partially reactivate them, to let them be used for communication, as Tevinter had discovered. However travel is another matter."
"What's his password?" I asked.
"I do not know, and Wisdom would not say." She replied. "Fortunately that defense can be circumvented if one has a physical keystone instead, and I did learn how to create such a thing. Turn around, please."
Groaning, and knowing exactly where this was going, I obeyed, slowly spinning in place until I was facing her. Sure enough, the moment I was looking into her amethyst eyes, her massaging hands shifted, pulling me flush against her taller frame. Her long tongue snaked its way between my lips, running over mine as she deepened the kiss...
...and knowledge flooded into my brain. The magical process for creating a keystone, how to tune it to the Eluvian in question, how to use it to lock others, how to use one to reset and lock the network to a master password if one could find specific locations within the Crossroads.
I shook my head as we broke apart, then shook it again to try and clear the always bizarre feeling of having just had information shoved right into my soul.
"...that's..." I blinked several times, taking it in. "...a lot like how I make my Dream-Catchers. Almost exactly like it, apart from the differences in magical styles."
"Yes." Longing agreed, bringing her pipe to her lips to take a drag. The acrid smoke billowed out of her nose as she went on, "It would seem that you stumbled onto a far older technique that I anticipated with your little trick."
"And you didn't recognize it?" I demanded.
Her pipe waved, smoke trailing out of it. "I was a very young spirit then, Maeve. I did not ascend, did not name myself, until well after Fen'harel brought his Veil into creation. My knowledge of the magical techniques of ancient Arlathon are hardly any better than yours. I'm far more familiar with modern styles, Tevinter's bastardizations, and Warden techniques."
Grunting quietly, I turned away from her to pace around my safe zone. Thinking about what she'd just told me, what I now had in my head.
If nothing else it was a good distraction from a problem I didn't know how to resolve.
It was similar to how I made my Dream-Catchers, yes, but not exactly the same. The process as Longing had given it to me was something more suited for conventional magic than my sideways approach to the art, brought on by my fucked up way of feeling, seeing, tasting, hearing, and smelling magic. So this would be a solo Merrill project. Maybe also something we could use to finally figure out a way for her to actually create a Dream-Catcher without me having to do the base work before she used blood magic to make them usable by others.
"What else do you have for me?" I asked, glancing at her as I walked past. "Did you finally talk to Wisdom about my other situation?"
"If you mean that I finally found Wisdom when that six-eyed wolf wasn't moping about, yes." Longing replied, eyes rolling. "Honestly, it's rather pathetic how that Eldest dotes on him, when he has given it no new wisdom or knowledge in millennia. If anything he just lays about in her garden, endlessly telling the same stories."
I huffed, slowing to a stop. "Fen'harel? Moping? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. He's still dreaming then?"
An elegant shoulder shrugged. "He is awakening, as you feared, but it is not a fast process to emerge from the long sleep. You have some time yet before he strides through the waking world."
"Months or years?" I pressed.
"I could not say, but I would suppose the latter... though not many of them."
That was something. I could work with having a couple of years before he was up and around. Solas might have been the only person I could think of who might be able to build me a portal home... but that didn't really mean I wanted to talk to Solas. For all of his legions of fangirls back on Earth, I wasn't exactly eager to approach him as a Human's soul trapped in an Elven body.
It seemed the kind of thing he'd take... well, poorly.
I'd figure out how to approach him later. When he was closer to waking up, and I had an actual chance of finding him in the real world rather than in the Fade.
"Let me know if that changes." I told her, "And stop avoiding answering my other question. Did Wisdom have an answer or not?"
Longing's long puffs on a pipe that wasn't actually real told me she was seriously invested in stalling. It wasn't until I crossed my arms and started tapping my foot that she got around to blowing out the smoke, admitting. "Wisdom had no answer, but it did have a theory."
"...which was?" I demanded.
"One I am not willing to believe it without further evidence." She said, not meeting my eyes.
When she didn't go on beyond that, I upgraded my glare. "Tell me."
Longing shook her head at once. "Not yet."
"Why?" I demanded.
"Because it is impossible." She replied, quickly going on before I could interject, "Yes, yes, I know. Everything else about you and your world is impossible, but her theory is one degree too far even for this circumstance. I need more information before I am willing to consider it."
"You owe me an answer." I countered. "I gave you a year of memories for an answer to what happened to me when I killed Brosca, Longing. It hasn't gone away, and I don't know if it's going to happen again, or if it's dangerous to me. I need to know what is going on with my soul."
The hand not holding her pipe rose, "I know, I know. And I will find the answer, Maeve. I swear by your desire to go home. But what Wisdom believes is not possible. If it were, it would surely have happened many times before now, and you are the first of your kind I have ever met, much less heard of."
I took a deep breath, then let it out. Forcing myself to be patient. "...fine, but I want an answer by the end of this year, even if it's just Wisdom's impossible theory."
"...all right." She sighed out more smoke, "I will accede to mortal impatience in this matter."
"I'm giving you ten more months." I countered. "That's hardly impatient."
Her brilliant eyes rolled, "Only to a mortal. It's a blink of an eye to a spirit, but yes. I will give you an answer within that time frame. And yes, I made Wisdom give me an oath that it would speak nothing to the Wolf about my visit or what we discussed."
"...good." The absolute last thing I needed right now was Solas finding out about me before I was ready, and tracking me down on his own. Yes, my Dream-Catcher was a neat bit of protection. Yes, I'd made pretty big strides as a Dreamer with Longing's help over the past couple of years.
But there was no way in hell I was going to risk an encounter with Solas in the Fade. Even weakened, in this reality, he'd turn me inside out in a heartbeat, and there'd be fuck-all I could do about it. When it finally came to talk to him, it would be in the relatively even grounds of reality. Not in the dreaming world where he would hold nearly all of the cards.
Speaking of.
"If that's all you can give me, then we're doing more Dreaming practice tonight." I told her. "I want to see if I can find Anders on this side, he should be pretty close in reality, and the sooner we find them the better."
Longing's tail flicked, "Their physical proximity means nothing here, as you well know. And we still have other matters to discuss. You were going to share the details of the second... game with me, once I had spoken with Wisdom, and you giving that answer to Merrill is not going to help your situation."
Of course it wouldn't. Giving her the key to her life's work would, almost certainly, see her crush get even worse. But... fuck. I couldn't not give it to her. Not when I knew the lengths she'd go to in order to get it.
I'd... just have to figure it out.
"What's your advice then?" I asked. "Just tell her the total truth?"
"That or simply give her what she desires." Longing replied. "You lust for her now as well, and you can't deny it."
"I'm four years celibate." I muttered. "I lust after practically everyone I see these days."
Another twitch of her tail. "I am always available if-"
"No. You are included in my no-relationships rule."
She huffed, pouting, "You are an extremely irritating mortal at times. Fine, I shall drop the matter, but we both know the end of that path will allow Grief to find you once again."
I took a deep breath, letting it out. "Good thing I've got you around to keep him out then."
"A duty I would find easier if you were to share the details of these other... games with me." She replied slyly, "As you agreed."
"I agreed if you gave me an answer, which you avoided doing. Hell, you took two years to find Wisdom when Solas wasn't around, and now you won't even tell me her theory." I countered, latching onto the change in subject. "You desire my memories of Dragon Age Two? Get me an answer on how my mana grew, how I suddenly can shoot a bow without effort."
Her lips twitched, as if uncertain if they wished to smile or scowl. "Impudent mortal."
"I learned from the best." I said, saccharine sweetness in my voice. "Now are you going to walk around the Fade with me or not? And put some real clothes on dammit."
There was a final huff, her outfit molding into a t-shirt and jeans... and then her clawed hand was in mine as we walked through the Catcher's netting, leaving the protection behind so that I could learn to navigate the Fade.