He remembered everything.
Laxus lay in bed, heart pounding, body covered in sweat, his fist clutched above his hammering chest. His body was shaking. Terror, repulsion, disgust, self loathing, and so many other feelings made him want to vomit all over the floor. He felt like he needed to wash himself, to scrub his skin so hard it would melt from his body. Maybe if he did that he could emerge from the steam a new person, a man who hadn't committed the atrocities he had. A man who hadn't ignored Gajeel's screams for mercy, who hadn't forced sex on him, who hadn't left him to die when he'd gotten his way.
He hated himself. He truly despised himself. He was the worst type of monster.
"Can he even control himself?"
Natsu's words echoed in his head and joined the sick bunch in the pit of his stomach.
"Him taking advantage of you wasn't enough?"
He was going to say it and Gajeel wouldn't let him, had silenced him before the words had exited his mouth.
Laxus curled into a ball on the bed. He couldn't feel angry or enraged. He didn't have it in him to leave the dark confines of his room. Not after last night.
After that witch gave him the damned potion.
He'd gone home and paced the halls for what seemed like hours before he finally said fuck it and downed the bitter liquid. What happened had taken him through the worst lucid dream of his entire life. How did he know it wasn't just that? A dream? Well because it all made sense. That, and the dream didn't fade into short-term memory after his awakening. Dreams, even terrible nightmares, aren't meant to be retained. They're forgotten for the worthless snippets of information and mindless brain firings they are. But this didn't leave. No, if anything when he awoke that morning the images had become so totally clear there was no denying it was real.
He could see it all. He could envision every sordid detail.
He remembered everything.
The feel of his knuckles hitting bone. The rage built into the kick that cracked open the man's skull. The sweet discharge of built up energy that released into Gajeel's perfectly conducted body. And screams. Screams that echoed off of cave walls. Screams of pain. A grown man, a hardened man, a man unafraid of death like Gajeel, begging for him to stop. Begging not to be killed. And then finally, begging not to be penetrated and left shivering on the cold ground.
He couldn't rationalize any of it. There was no excuse. The potion only jumpstarted him into a process that Natsu and Gajeel experienced regularly and yet they weren't out killing people or molesting each other. Even when Gajeel had reacted it was because of the venom. It had contorted his ability to reason and caused his body to react to him when he desperately wanted Laxus to stop.
Laxus lurched up from his bed, his sweaty palms riffling through his hair. He felt like his soul was turning cold and shriveling up into nothing inside of him. He couldn't hate himself enough. He didn't even think throwing himself off of the highest structure in all of Fiore could atone for his sins. And the craziest thing was that Gajeel still associated with him. No, even more. He agreed to teach him to control his new dragon abilities. He'd invited him into his home knowing full and well everything that had happened. He stayed alone with him despite the terrible things he'd done.
Maybe he really is into that sick shit…
As soon as the thought hit him he could have punched himself in the face. He was going crazy. In the darkness of his room he felt like he was going to lose it. He was suffocating in the terrible acts that had consumed him in his fit of rage, the acts that were somehow still following him and impeding his ability to control himself even in the most open of places.
Laxus let out a growl, electricity sparking the walls around him and scorching walls, floor and ceiling. He grabbed his coat and stormed outside, the growing light of the sunrise greeting him as he exited his house. The world didn't care at all about his troubles. It didn't give a shit about the atrocities he'd committed or the pain he'd caused. The sun still brightened the sky as if nothing had ever been amiss. The birds still sang pleasantly and the sleepy town still opened their shutters and doors to the new day. No one thought twice about Laxus as he brooded through the streets, as he walked by the river contemplating whether or not suicide would be the best option for his life at this point. No doubt the world wouldn't care, and in fact, it would probably make life better.
Especially for a certain black-haired mage with molten red eyes.
"Um… Laxus?" a polite, quiet voice made him stop suddenly. He peered to his side, noticing striking blue hair and pale skin immediately, "Juvia couldn't help but notice Laxus seemed upset. Is Laxus ok?"
He didn't answer, only stared at her. Ok? Ok?! He was the farthest from ok he'd ever been in his entire life! Nothing was ok nor would it ever be again! How could he be ok knowing everything that he knew now? How could anyone walk with their head held high after doing such a thing? How could she just stand there, eyes full of innocent naivety and be concerned for his wellbeing? He didn't deserve it! He didn't want it! He should be crawling into a hole where other scumbags like himself end up; somewhere dark and enclosed where they couldn't inflict pain on someone ever again.
And yet there she stood. Did she even know everything? She was Gajeel's closest friend aside from Lily. Surely she knew. But if she did how could she stand to be anywhere near him? She should be at the guild pretending she'd never associated with him in her life. But no, her blue eyes shone up at him in genuine concern. Her lips were puckered slightly in a frown, hands wringing the pink umbrella she never seemed too far away from. Today, she was even sporting a slim dress with a low neckline, a contrast to her usually more conservative dress. She used to always hide her neck until she came to Fairy Tail…
Suddenly, Laxus stopped breathing.
"The first and last time I ever didn't go out of town for it, I was still with Phantom Lord."
Her neck was so extremely pail. It was almost impossible to notice. Time had weathered away what used to be two pronounced scars on the side of her throat, now barely noticeable to the naked eye. And maybe it was his enhanced sight or the fact that the light was shining just perfectly on her porcelain skin, but the two deep scratches seemed to be staring him right in the face. She must have noticed his frown and the direction of his stare because she nervously flipped her hair to cover her neck.
"W-Well… if Laxus is ok then…"
"Juvia," his voice was so quiet compared to its usual strength and security, "How did you get that scar?"
She immediately adverted her eyes from his. A weak smile played at her lips, "J-Juvia doesn't know…"
"Juvia…" she started at his voice, her eyes filling with worry as she looked at him. He sounded the way he felt: broken. His eyes were beseeching hers, silencing the lie she was about to let loose from her lips, "How…?"
Her gaze softened as she looked at him, a sad smile crossing her face, "Juvia promised she'd never talk about it," she drew in a slow breath before composing herself and letting it out. She walked over to the edge of the river and sat down, patting the ground next to her in an invitation and the Lightning Mage quietly accepted, drawing up his knees and not daring to touch the water.
"Juvia was fairly new to Phantom Lord," she watched the water calmly, her voice steady and unafraid. He vaguely thought about how the confession would have seemed more fitting around a campfire, "Gajeel thinks Master Jose might have planned it or was trying to punish Juvia and Gajeel since Juvia had failed a mission earlier that week."
A burning rage suddenly bubbled up and made Laxus cringe. Her own Master had planned something like that? For failing a mission?
"Gajeel had taken Juvia in. He'd worked hard to become an S-Class Mage and didn't want anyone hurting Juvia. When Juvia had failed her mission, Jose was trying to figure out a befitting punishment for Juvia but Gajeel had said she shouldn't be punished. It was the first time Gajeel had ever spoken against Jose and he was very angry.
"Gajeel had locked himself in his dorm for a few days and refused to leave. Juvia was sent to bring him to Jose and wasn't allowed to take no for an answer. When Gajeel wouldn't answer Juvia, she went under the door since Juvia's body can turn into water…."
She shut her eyes for a moment before shaking her head and continuing.
"Gajeel yelled at her from the back room. He'd never said anything like that to Juvia before. She went to find him, not realizing Gajeel was trying to get her to go away for Juvia's safety. Gajeel…" she swallowed audibly and forced a small smile to her face, "Gajeel kept telling Juvia to leave, that he'd deal with Jose himself but Juvia didn't listen. She didn't know Gajeel wasn't himself until he…"
Juvia stopped. Not because she needed to, but because of the Lightning Mage that was pressing his forehead against his knees. She calmly opened her umbrella and held it over him and clouds began to gather in the sky. Laxus was clenching his teeth so hard his ears were ringing.
"I don't understand," he said at last, his voice muffled against his pant leg, "You're still friends? After what he did to you? Why don't you hate him?"
She smiled at him softly then as raindrops began to patter patiently against the soft rose fabric, "Juvia could never hate Gajeel. Gajeel didn't mean to hurt Juvia, he tried to keep Juvia safe. Juvia didn't listen,"
"But that doesn't-"
"When Gajeel snapped out of it, Juvia was still under the effects of the venom," she said quietly, her voice barely louder than the whisper of the rainfall, "If Gajeel was a bad man, he wouldn't have held Juvia still until it went away. If Gajeel was a bad man, he wouldn't have fought Jose and get badly injured for Juvia's honor. If Gajeel was a bad man, he wouldn't have stayed awake for days and stop eating because he was trying to think of anything he could to get Juvia to trust him again. If Gajeel was a bad man, he wouldn't have promised to always keep Juvia safe and never let a man hurt Juvia like that again."
She was silent for a while as the magic-induced rain pattered to a halt and she finally collapsed her umbrella. Timidly, she let her hand rest on Laxus's shoulder, squeezing it gently underneath her pale, slender fingers before taking another breath, "If Laxus was a bad man, he wouldn't be as upset as he is right now."
"So what? Does everyone know what happened? Was I the only one left in the dark?"
"Gajeel only told Juvia because Juvia made him. Juvia knows Gajeel well enough to tell when he's lying to her."
"And Natsu? And Lily?"
"Gajeel won't talk to Lily about it and Lily doesn't mind. He doesn't need to know everything about Gajeel, just like Gajeel doesn't know everything about Lily. Juvia isn't sure how Natsu knows about everything, just that Gajeel says Natsu is too nosy for his own good."
"Sounds about right,"
There was a long pause where the two just stared out at the river. Laxus was still filling with self-loathing. His hands were clenched into fists that mimicked the churning knots still boiling in his stomach. He could hear Juvia's calm breathing, smell the humid and clean scent she carried with her wherever she went. She was beautiful and kind, and in his opinion, too good for Grey and crazy to go after a man who acted like he cared so little about her. But maybe that's why she still chased him, because she realized he was probably the one who needed him the most aside from maybe Gajeel.
And maybe that was why she didn't ostracize him despite his crimes against her.
"Juvia… since you know him so well, will you answer something for me?"
Her blue eyes glistened peacefully and she turned to him with a gentle smile, "Hm?"
"Why did you decide to stay by his side? What could he have possibly done to reconcile himself?"
Juvia's smile wavered slightly, "Juvia isn't really sure. Gajeel is a cruel and mal-tempered man sometimes, and during his darkest times he did some terrible things. But Gajeel stands by his word. He does anything for those he calls his nakama. Juvia guesses she never felt scared of Gajeel, Juvia could believe Gajeel when she couldn't trust anyone. It was hard at first, but Juvia found a way to forgive Gajeel even though Gajeel never tried to be forgiven."
Juvia rose to her feet then, flipping open her umbrella once again, "Juvia thinks Laxus doesn't need to worry about Gajeel forgiving him. Juvia thinks maybe Laxus should worry more about forgiving himself."
He didn't meet her gaze, merely kept staring at the river.
"Juvia thinks Laxus doesn't realize, no matter what he's done, there are a lot of people who would miss Laxus if he were gone."
Laxus turned his head to look at her, wanted to demand how she knew what he'd been contemplating. He wanted to figure out how she'd somehow seen past his private thoughts and silent words. But she was already gone, walking down a sidewalk that was quickly filling with more people. By now the morning was mature and the daily traffic was filling Magnolia.
The familiar voices of Lucy, Natsu, and Happy were approaching. The band cheerfully making their way to the guild. As they started to pass Lucy noticed his presence and waved happily, distracting Natsu from their conversation. Natsu as well smirked at the Lightning Dragon, but not before hiding some sort of emotion that caused his eyes to tighten. Laxus slowly came to his feet and turned in the direction of the guild. As he passed by a nearby shop, he once again caught the voice of the Water Mage.
Instead of alone this time, however, he also heard a familiar gruff tone interrupt her elated babblings.
He just barely caught sight of a raven-haired man with ruby eyes.