Chapter 30:

"He's in heat… like a fucking animal."

The hot midnight around him was too much. They'd covered his eyes and tightened his restraints. He'd been screaming and thrashing until his throat was sore and his wrists and ankles were rubbed raw. The heat was burning him alive. His body was on fire. He could do little more than lay there and breathe, praying that this would be the end. Maybe his heart would finally give out and he'd die.

"…An animal."

He heard the sound of an electric lock opening and a heavy door being swung open and once again tightly shut. The shuffle of boots on cement were drawing closer. He stilled and tasted the air with every frenzied gasp. Fear, sweat, and the sour scent of something old and familiar were in the air. Another set of lungs breathing in his airspace. He felt rage bubbling up inside him, tried to calm his hyperactive breathing…

"Shit… they weren't kidding…" his voice was too close and every muscle on Gajeel's body was tensed, ready to attack whoever was creeping closer in the darkness. A hand grazed over his arm and he shuddered, disgusted at the tremor that worked its way through his body. Damn him. Damn this heat. Damn whoever it was that had just touched him. A deranged chuckle sounded beside him and a hand gripped his chin, yanking his face back and forcing him to dig his hands into the table to try to ease the pressure on his neck, "I always thought you were a fucking animal…"

Gajeel gritted his teeth, dragged his nails against the metal beneath him and thrashed as hard as he could to get free. The whole table jolted and whoever was holding onto his chin stumbled back out of reach just in case. When his restraints held he let out a noise like a strangled whine from the back of his throat. There was nothing he could do to get away. He couldn't even seewho he was at the mercy of. Dread was beginning to claw its way up through the haze of drugs and burning skin.

"They sang your praises at Phantom Lord… I wonder what Master Jose would have thought if he knew this was what you really were," the steps approached again, this time circling fingers around his neck, "I always knew those eyes of yers weren't human. You're more a fucking beast than you are a man."

"I'll tear you apart…" Gajeel growled, feeling the pressure starting to close his airways.

"Animals don't speak," he felt hot breath fall against his face and one of the hands keeping him from being able to breathe suddenly retreated. He could hear fabric rustling and the sound of a zipper, "Why don't I give you something to keep you quiet?"

In one last, furious attempt Gajeel lashed out at his tormenter. His arm snapped loose from its binding and he thrashed wildly, feeling his fist connect with something solid. He was free and he was pissed. The taste of iron filled his mouth and he could hear someone screaming to be let out. Gajeel was across the room in a moment, picking the man up by his throat and slamming him against the door.

"I'm an animal?" Gajeel breathed, gripping the man's throat tighter, tighter, tighter. He was gasping, his eyes filled with terror and he fought to try to get away in vain. He could hear commotion outside the door but he didn't care. He was lost in the feeling of crushing; the sound of someone fighting for their life was sending a thrill down his spine. He was free and finally in control. And not just in control of his body, but of people around him. He was light-headed with the feeling of dominating another human being for the first time in years. It was like an old itch that needed to be scratched after being ignored for too long or the first dreg of a cigarette after years of quitting, "Maybe you're right."

Gajeel jolted awake. He didn't move, his eye were just wide and staring up at the ceiling. His breathing was labored and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He refused to move and just listened to the crazed beating in his chest, wondering if his heart was finally going to hammer itself to death. After a few moments, he was calm enough to sit up in bed.

He was sober for the first morning in weeks. He clenched his teeth against the memories that were still buzzing around in his head. He needed to fix that. He desperately needed to fix that. He pushed himself off the bed and picked up a bottle that was sitting on his dresser. Empty. He moved about his room, testing the weight of what was left in the dank space and coming up short. He sighed and slowly swung open the door. His eyes cut through the dark from blackout curtains and closed doors. He moved quietly, casting ruby eyes around to pick out whether or not a certain black cat was already up and about.

"Gajeel? You awake?" Pantherlily's voice cut through the gloomy house and Gajeel let out a tense sigh, not ready to deal with his partner so early in the morning.

"Yeah," he called back, trudging into the living room only to find the Exceed not there. He glanced into the kitchen where Pantherlily was flitting about, putting together some breakfast. Gajeel cocked an eyebrow at him and crossed his arms in the entryway, "You're up early."

"And you're not drunk," his friend replied matter-of-factly, "We're both full of surprises this morning."

Gajeel watched in silence as Lily whipped together some eggs and made two plates, setting them down at the small two-person table that was in their kitchen. Gajeel regarded him suspiciously at first but was quickly reminded that he'd gone several mornings without breakfast and his body desperately needed the protein even after last night's dinner. He sat across from Lily and the two ate in silence, barely looking at each other as if they were strangers in the confined space.

This had become their norm ever since Gajeel had returned. The air was always thick with tension and it just reminded him of how badly he wanted to escape. He was tied down again, this time with a totally different type of restraint.

"So…" Lily piped up, obviously trying to start up a conversation, but it was already annoying to the Iron Dragon and he wasn't in the mood to talk, "How was this Willie guy?"

"He was alright,"

"Isn't he one of your favorite artists?"

"Yeah."

"How long was the show? Do you remember?"

"Dunno… like two hours maybe,"

"Two hours? You were out pretty late. Did you two go do something else after the show?"

"Gee… I dunno Mom, did we?" Gajeel spat and Lily sighed heavily.

"I'm just trying to talk to you, Gajeel. It's something friends do. They talk." Lily growled, standing up and placing his plate into the sink and muttering as he walked, "And here I thought you'd be in a better mood after your date."

Gajeel choked.

"Whatdid you just say?" he snarled, his eyes cutting into the Exceed like knives. Lily froze, confusion clear on his face.

"What…?" he was analyzing his own words, clearly puzzled over how he could have suddenly caused so much fury in his partner.

"Did you just fucking call it a date?" he seethed.

"I thought…" his eyes darted to the side, "Aren't you two… haven't you… been involved?"

"You're not serious," Gajeel's eyes widened and Pantherlily actually felt threatened. He backed up a pace and held out his hands, feeling like he was trying to stop a train as it hurdled towards him, "With… with Laxus? What do you think I am?!"

"I thought you liked him! Calm down, Gajeel, it's not a big deal!" Lily retreated another step when he noticed angry iron scales fighting to show themselves on his skin, "It's alright if you like Laxus, I don't see you any differently."

"I don't likeLaxus. I can barely standLaxus. The only reason I went with him was because you've been on my ass for the last week about getting out of the damn house!" Gajeel's eyes flashed dangerously and suddenly the Slayer in him was out, glittering scales covering his usual tanned skin and his canines glistening threateningly, "Haven't I been through enough lately without you trying to hook me up with someone?!"

Lily transformed into his full size and widened his stance, obviously a defensive maneuver, "Gajeel Redfox, if you take another step towards me like that I swear…"

Gajeel felt like he'd been snapped in half. His mind was just a tumultuous hurricane of thoughts and emotions that he wasn't ready to deal with. Didn't he have enough just trying to recover from what he'd been through? And now his friend was staring at him with the same kind of terror he'd seen just a few weeks earlier? Something he'd never thought he'd see in the eyes of someone he was so close to. Lily was afraid of him? Seriously? It was hisfault he was this pissed off in the first place! What right did he have to be afraid? To stand in his kitchen and demand Gajeel calm down as if he were some child throwing a temper tantrum? He was raging, his blood boiling and his vision quickly becoming blurry.

He lashed out and punched the wall, feeling the drywall crumple like paper beneath his fist. He was shaking he was so angry. Pantherlily flinched away from him, pulling his arms up as if to block the attack. Gajeel dragged his talons against the wall, staring down Lily as he stood stock still, not daring to break his eyes from the raging man in front of him.

"Are you fucking scared of me?" he growled lowly.

"I'm not scared of you-"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!"

"Because you're threatening me, Gajeel! Look at you! Look at your scales!" Lily backed up another pace as Gajeel turned on him, eyes fiery and fists clenched, "Don't come at me like that if you don't want me to act defensive!"

"Are you gonna fucking turn on me like the Magic Council did, too?" he growled, advancing another step.

"You know I'm on your side, Gajeel, now STAND DOWN!" the general in him was coming out, he took on a more authoritative stance.

A knock sounded at the door and suddenly it felt like all the air was sucked out of the room. Pantherlily waited a beat and chanced a look at the door just as the knob jiggled. Gajeel took a breath, an attempt to steady himself that immediately went awry. The door opened slowly, hesitantly and the figure in the doorway only exacerbated Gajeel's anger. Laxus stood there, his eyes quickly sweeping across the room from Lily to Gajeel. His golden eyes were tight as they rested on the Iron Dragon who made no move to even pretend to calm down.

"I heard yelling," Laxus's eyes were set firmly on Gajeel, "Is everything alright?"

"Ah… apologies… we just got into an argument," Lily was always so formal. He was the type to hide problems, to sweep them under the rug and pretend they either didn't exist or weren't as bad as they seemed. Gajeel resented the Exceed for it, "Were you heading to the guild?"

"I was… I wanted to see if you felt up to going," Laxus never moved his gaze from Gajeel and it felt like he might as well have been digging his nails into his flesh. Why was he here? He was suddenly like a plague in his life, popping up in dark places where he didn't belong. He never cared before, never gave a damn about him or the guild or anything other than himself for that matter. So why was it that now there was carefully concealed concern in those electric eyes of his?

Gajeel gritted his teeth, "You wanted to see…"

"I've been pushing him to get out lately but I think maybe today isn't a good day," Lily piped up, his voice holding a lighter lilt to it despite the way his eyes still darted over to the Iron Dragon to ensure he wasn't gearing up to fight.

"Laxus…" Gajeel tried his best to cool his temper but it was so hard. He barely had control of himself, "What was yesterday?"

Laxus's eyes widened and Gajeel could feel the heat creeping through his chest, bubbling like lava through his veins with every beat of his heart.

"Yesterday?" Laxus fumbled through the word dumbly, "What do you mean?"

"Was it a date?" he felt pressure on his chest, as if there were some sort of demon huddled on his sternum trying to slowly suffocate him.

"Not… not if you didn't want it to be,"

Gajeel felt like the world was spinning around him. The red was spreading, tearing from his veins to his peripheral vision as he tried to focus, tried to tell himself he needed to regain control over himself.

"Are you fucking insane?" was all he could manage to force out of his mouth.

"Why would I be insane?" Laxus suddenly tensed, his hands balling up tightly at his sides, "What's wrong if that's what I wanted?"

"What you wanted?" Gajeel growled, stepping towards Laxus as the haze fought to completely rule him, "What about what Iwanted?"

Laxus didn't move an inch and Gajeel was having a hard time concentrating. He wasn't thinking, just acting on the raw emotions that were raging inside of him like a hurricane.

"Haven't a been through enough without you coming at me like some fucking bitch in heat?" he felt like his entire body was throbbing, his blood was singing in his ears. He felt like he was submerged in a murky, red ocean. The sounds around him were muddled and he was losing his grip on reality.

"I didn't do anything like that," Laxus breathed although there was a guilt in his eyes that only fueled Gajeel's inner wildfire.

"Reserved it for the second date, hm? Gentleman," was he even making sense anymore? Gajeel couldn't tell. He was just pissed. He felt manipulated and lied to. Why didn't he have control of his own body anymore? Was it because he was weak? He wasn't an easy target to be picked off.

"Redfox…"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Gajeel roared, finally losing it. He needed control. He needed to know the world wasn't swirling around him in madness like he felt it was. Where was the normalcy? Ever since Bianca his whole damn life had be turned upside down. He was in a rocket out of control, spiraling towards the atmosphere where all he desperately wanted was to right his course and go back out into space. He wanted his old life back. He wanted to get along with his guildmates again. He wanted the nightmares gone, the blood off his hands. He wanted those reptilian eyes to stop staring at him at night and the scares faded from his skin. The remembrance of sick, unwanted touches pervaded his skin whenever he wasn't drunk or unconscious. He wanted it all gone.

Before he was kidnapped.

Before he was helpless.

Before Bianca.

Before Laxus.

Laxus was in front of him. When had he even moved? It took Gajeel so off guard that he lashed out at the blonde, punching him so hard in the jaw that his head whipped around viciously and he stumbled to the side.

"DON'T TOUCH ME."

"Gajeel! Calm down!" Lily advanced but stayed when Laxus held up a hand.

"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" he snarled, turning crimson eyes back to Laxus whose lip was now bloodied, "I'm going to say this once, Laxus Dreyar. Get out of my house and don't fucking talk to me again."

"Gaj-" Lily began to protest but Gajeel silenced him with just a look.

"I can't fucking stand you and I want nothing to do with you," Gajeel had devolved into mad trembling as he spoke. He wanted to do more than just yell, more than just hit him. He wanted to scream and punch and kick and destroy.

"I know that's a lie," Laxus growled, not backing down. In fact, he surged forward once again this time with a fire of his own, "You're the one to asked me to follow you. If you didn't want anything to do with me, then why?"

"I was out of my mind, obviously." Gajeel seethed, standing chest to chest with the Lightning Mage, "But if you're going to hold me to what I said, fine. Then I guess that means what you did to me in that cave was no fucking accident?"

He'd gone too far and Laxus crumpled. He retreated, hurt and guilt and self-loathing all spelled out across his face. Gajeel didn't budge. He was too full of relentless anger and animosity to care that the blonde was so clearly burning himself alive with Gajeel's words.

"I'm sorry," Laxus steeled himself, shutting up the emotions that were roiling just beneath the surface and putting on the same stoic face Gajeel was used to, "I'll leave."

He slipped out the door without another word and suddenly Gajeel felt like he could breathe again. The world was spinning a little less, the red had ebbed slightly. But where his anger at Laxus was finally starting to subside, Lily swooped in to take his place.

"Did that make you feel more like a man?" his voice was like a knife being hurled at Gajeel's chest.

"The fuck did you just say?"

"He tried to reach out to you, Gajeel! What's wrong with trying to be there for you? To help you?"

"Help me? The only person he cares about is himself!"

"You've turned into a cruel and mal tempered man, Gajeel," Lily clenched his fists, something akin to sadness in his eyes as he spoke, "It's a wonder anyone has anything to do with you."

"Well if I'm so hard to deal with, why don't you get out."

Lily froze, his brows pushing together as remorse and worry finally took over the anger he'd expended, "You don't mean that."

"If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it," Gajeel bit back. There was a tense silence before Lily powered down. He quietly padded up to the door and refused to look at his partner as he left.

For on glorious moment Gajeel just existed in silence and solitude. It was the first peace he'd had since he'd come back that wasn't alcohol or exhaustion induced. Just as it had fallen over him, though, it quickly slipped away. He sank to the floor, staring down at hands covered in iron.

He'd driven them both away. In his anger and hurt he'd driven them both away. It was amazing how a few harsh words could break people down. It was almost too easy. But why? Why had he wanted to drive them away so badly? Lily was his best friend. He'd been on his ass but he was trying to help, even if he didn't understand how.

And Laxus…

Gajeel rubbed his knuckles into his forehead as if he could push away the emotions that were suddenly roaring back up again.

Laxus… what even was Laxus doing? What was he trying to pull? Neither of them were gay. Neither of them wanted this for each other. Almost every encounter between the two of them ended in fighting or… he felt his body shudder. He couldn't think about it. He hadn't been able to think about anything intimate since he'd been kidnapped. It just ripped him back to that cell. He was in the dark again, held down, burning alive, being touched when he desperately just wanted it all to end… and when he remembered he just wanted to forget it all over again. He wanted to sleep. But sleep brought nightmares of the monster he was, the crimes he'd committed. He couldn't deal with how he felt when he'd finally gotten his vengeance. It was a thrill that he'd never felt before.

He'd done so well. When he'd first come to Fairy Tail he'd worried that the transition would be difficult, that he'd be expelled for fucking something up. Actually, he'd found it much easier in the calm environment. There wasn't the same mad need to be on top. They were competitive, sure, but their lives didn't depend on it. He'd been driven to fight in Phantom Lord. He'd been angry all the time, like a nuclear warhead he was just waiting to be set off.

He'd turned on his comrades then, too.

He pushed his knuckles so hard into his temples that he was starting to see red again.

He was no better than when he was with Phantom Lord. No, he was worse. He hadn't had any friends when he was under Jose. Juvia was the only one who'd stood beside him and he was loyal to her so much so that he'd even followed her to Fairy Tail when she'd asked. He'd hurt her and he could never make up for it. And now he'd hurt Lily and Laxus. That was all he was good for. All he could do was destroy and break and kill. He had tried to be good. He'd done so well for so long. He'd started a new life, cut all ties with the people he knew in his old guild, and lived an upright life.

And suddenly he'd thrown himself headfirst back into his old self. When he'd lost it in Bianca's underground, it was worse than anything he'd ever done in Phantom. He'd not just killed, but he'd relished doing it. Even remembering it, the thrill that had shivered up his spine and jettisoned him forward with each pain he inflicted, made him feel sick to his stomach. He'd turned into something he hated, something he swore he'd never become even on his worst days under Jose. He'd enjoyed killing. He sought live out just to snuff them out.

He wanted to vomit. He hated himself. He was fucked up, ruined, worthless. His life was just a toxic mess around him. He was drowning in his own thoughts and fears and self-loathing.

He was so tired.

He didn't want to fight anymore. He was tired of fighting to get up in the morning, of fighting to drown the memories, of fighting the rage that boiled constantly inside. He just desperately wanted it to end. He'd been in such a dark place he'd been trying to hurt himself just to take his mind off of his swirling thoughts. He'd started smoking again, choked through the burning in his lungs and put the embers out on his arms. What else was he supposed to do? Lily had taken the razors away.

A sudden calm drifted over the Iron Dragon.

Why was he even fighting? What was the point anymore? He was finally alone. He didn't have anyone to fight for anymore. He was done.

He lifted himself up, his mind no longer the haze it had been. Actually, it was startlingly clear. He dressed himself, not bothering to tuck his pants into his boots before he walked out the door. He went to a liquor store not far from his house. The cashier recognized him as he approached and reluctantly sold him a bottle of sake and a pack of cigarettes. He turned towards the tall hills, making his way through the forest with quiet ease.

It really was a beautiful day. The sun was filtering through the leaves and leaving speckles of yellow, orange, and deep scarlet on the forest floor as he walked. It was warm, the chill of fall hadn't driven away the summer heat just yet. Fallen leaves crunched beneath his steps as he climbed the hill that he knew well. He walked up to a large oak and shed his boots and socks, planting his feet on the ground and just smelling the earthy air around him. He carried himself and his vices to the edge of the cliff. He took each step with abandon even though the earth was dangerously unstable here. He sat on the edge and let his legs dangle off the edge.

He opened the bottle, his stomach buzzing so much he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep it down. He took a long drink and set it down roughly, listening to the sounds of rocks falling. He lit a cigarette, took a deep dreg and held in the burning smoke for a moment before sighing. He always thought tobacco smoke looked so much more sickly than that of regular wood. It seeped into the air like poison entering the atmosphere, spindly and sticky as it filled the world with more toxins. Just like him; adding more hate and fear and anger to the world.

He stared out to the world covered in autumn. The forest was beautiful this time of year. It was like the world was celebrating the end of its own life as winter knocked on the door.

He took another draught from his bottle.

What a wonderful day to die.

But first, he needed to finish his cigarette.