Chapter 33:
Laxus finally dressed, after waiting for a few moments for his body to calm itself, and walked into the living room where Lily was chattering happily with Gajeel across from him. They almost looked normal except for the restrained look in Lily's eyes as he tried to hold conversation. Gajeel's rubies flashed over to Laxus as he approached and Lily's voice dropped as he followed his gaze, a cheerful expression coming to his features as soon as Laxus entered.
"Laxus," he regarded him politely, "you guys are going running?"
"We're going to try," he said meekly, attempting to push his hands into his pockets before quickly realizing his shorts had none, "I'm not really good at it."
"Don't worry, Gajeel will help push you," Pantherlily grinned, "He knows some tricks for beginners."
"I'm in your hands, then," Laxus smirked over at Gajeel who rolled his eyes as he stood, heading for the door.
"Watch it, Sparky."
Laxus cringed at the nickname.
"Sparky?" Lily sputtered, quickly covering his mouth and trying to hide his laughter, "Cute…"
Laxus rushed for the door, "If he starts calling me Sparky," he growled, following the raven out into the street, "I'm blaming you."
"Go ahead," Gajeel shot him a wry grin, "Sparky."
"I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of letting that annoy me," Laxus growled as he walked up beside him. Gajeel just rolled his eyes again, making Laxus's blood spike agitatedly in the process, and he started down the road at a quick pace. Laxus kept up with him easily.
"We're going to jog," Gajeel said coolly, running his hands through his long hair and tying it up into a loose bun, "I don't know how far you can go so we'll just run until you can't anymore and then start walking. Sound good?"
"Fine by me," Laxus shrugged. He wasn't a runner, never had been, but he didn't mind as long as it got Gajeel out into the fresh air. He knew he liked being outside. It probably didn't help him to keep himself shut up in his stuffy house. Maybe this would help him feel more like himself, "I'll follow you."
After a few more minutes to warm up, Gajeel took off at an easy pace. Laxus tried his best to stay on his heels for as long as possible, and for a few blocks it was relatively easy. He tried to mimic the Iron Mage as they went through the streets of Magnolia but he knew there was no way he could compare. Gajeel looked sleek and took long, graceful strides like a puma as it raced through the jungle. Laxus, on the other hand, felt like a new, bumbling deer; barely evading tripping on cracks and keeping out of peoples' way as he tried to keep up with the man in front of him. After a while his lungs were screaming and he was starting to feel light-headed. He cursed himself quietly. He had to have run four times this distance when he was looking for Gajeel. But panic did strange things to the body, that was certain, and soon he was unable to push himself any further.
He stopped, gasping for air and putting his hands on his knees. His body trembled slightly from need for oxygen and he was fighting to catch his breath. Gajeel stopped his procession and put his hands on his hips, breathing in deeply but not nearly as strained as Laxus. A light sheen covered his body from sweat and he walked easily over to the doubled-over blonde and lent him a hand.
"Stand up straight," he huffed, "It'll get more air into yer lungs."
"Yeah…?" he gasped, pulling himself back up and feeling a pain in his side as he did so, "This sucks…"
"It gets better. C'mon, we'll walk for a while,"
They went on like that, running until Laxus couldn't stand it anymore, and then walking until he could finally breath easily again, for about an hour before Gajeel navigated them back to his house. Laxus felt shaky but proud of himself. He could lift weights just fine but he'd never been any good with running. Maybe it was having someone in front of him to strive to meet, but he did far better than he thought he would. Gajeel stayed mostly silent through the whole thing, no doubt his mind still on what had happened earlier that day, and he made little comment on whether he thought Laxus did well or not.
Not that Laxus needed his validation. He felt just fine on his own.
Or so he told himself.
They agreed to meet the next morning and Laxus left his house with a new pair of shoes and shirt, as both were sizes Gajeel didn't wear. He felt stupid and light-hearted as he walked home that day, clinging to the shirt Gajeel had given him like some girl who'd just gotten a shirt from her boyfriend. But he had hope that maybe things would be a little better tomorrow and spent the rest of the afternoon looking up ways to make him a better runner.
The next day he rose again with the sun and dressed, this time skipping the shower as he figured he'd need one after his run, and made his way to Gajeel's. Once again he arrived before Gajeel woke up although Lily was already waiting with some tea and breakfast. Again, he heard Gajeel wake up restlessly, although this time there was no rush to the bathroom, and he emerged dressed for their morning run with his hair once again up in a bun to keep it off of his neck.
And they ran.
Each day was like this and each day he got a little bit better and the light got a little brighter in Gajeel's eyes. After about a week, Gajeel was waiting for him with Lily in the morning and the week after that they could both run side-by-side for the full hour. Their conversations got a little easier and Gajeel would laugh a little more and scowl a little less. It was slow and tedious and there was no mention of the morning when they'd slept together and kissed. It nagged at Laxus but he refused to bring it to Gajeel's attention, worried that it might jeopardize the easy-going relationship that they had begun to form.
Finally, after a month of running together, Gajeel seemed to be in brighter spirits. Maybe he had woken up on the right side of the bed or maybe he'd finally slept a full night without any of his nightmares, but he seemed genuinely happy to see Laxus as he knocked on the door that morning. He even mentioned that he felt up to going to the guild that day, and honestly, Laxus was elated. Maybe he was actually on the mend; the relief that thought brought him made him feel like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
"We can go after we get done with our run," Laxus mused as he drank his tea. Even Lily seemed in better spirits than usual, flying around the room instead of walking, and taking their dishes as they got ready to go.
As they started their usual warmup walk, Gajeel was humming quietly to himself. Laxus couldn't help himself, he felt like he had to say something.
"You're in a good mood. Finally get laid?" he smirked and Gajeel shot him a coy look.
"Wouldn't you like to know," he quipped back as he pulled his hair up like usual.
"It wasn't Levy, was it?" he said coolly.
"With Jet," was all he retorted, not giving him the courtesy of even glancing his way with his reply.
"Juvia,"
"She's like my sister," he snorted, his face twisting into a mock-grimace at the mention.
"Cana?"
"You're really reaching," he laughed, picking up his pace and starting their jog.
"You have to give me a hint at least," Laxus kept up with him easily, his hard work finally paying off. Gajeel just shook his head, his studs glittering in the light of the sunrise as they made their way along their regular route. The fall had fully set in and the mornings and nights were quite cool now. Their breaths caused puffs of fog with each labored gasp and most days Laxus found his hands almost numb by the time they got back to Gajeel's house.
"I just felt good this morning," he said honestly and Laxus found it hard to conceal his smile. That was another thing that was new: blatant honesty. He had never realized how much he needed that in a person. He used to think his relationship with Freed, Bixlow and Evergreen was close but as of lately he started to realize that it was more superficial than he'd originally thought. Or maybe it was just because it was Gajeel that he felt that way. It was hard for him to really tell anymore.
"Well, I'm glad," Laxus huffed as the run finally began to catch up with him. The silence between them was comfortable as they delved into their own thoughts while they ran. Gajeel's eyes were far away again, lingering on things Laxus could only guess at. He'd fallen in love with those eyes of his; the way they changed hues almost as if with his mood and energy. Some days they seemed a deep blood-maroon and others a brilliant fire-red. And then, on days like today, they truly glittered like rubies in the morning light.
"You know…" Laxus panted as he began falling behind, "If you're… holding back… you can go… on ahead…"
"And leave you behind?" he grinned, his sharper teeth flashing, "I'd never dream of it."
"I just… think I'm… holding… you back…"
Laxus finally broke, stopping his jog and falling into a quick walk. Gajeel, however, didn't stop and instead just slowed his pace so that he was jogging alongside the Thunder Dragon. He grinned mischievously at the blonde.
"In Phantom, we used to sing cadences to keep pace," he recollected lightly, "What kind of songs do you like?"
"It's not… enough… to be better… you have to… sing?" Laxus growled and Gajeel only smirked wickedly in return.
"I bet you like that girly pop shit," he leered, jogging a circle around Laxus as he desperately tried to catch his breath, "something upbeat? Like 'Walking on Sunshine'?"
"No," Laxus snapped, "That's annoying… as hell…"
"What about 'Good Grief'?"
"Good grief?"
They were nearing the bridge and Laxus was finally getting a hold of himself. His breathing was less erratic and the stitch in his side was finally fading away.
"Every minute and every hour,
I miss you I miss you I miss you more.
Every stumble and each misfire,
I miss you I miss you I miss you more."
Laxus wrinkled his nose and he tried to swat at Gajeel but he danced just out of reach. He didn't have the energy to pursue him so he begrudgingly let it happen, annoyance bubbling up inside him at Gajeel's overconfidence.
Laxus got a wicked idea in his head as they ambled their way across the bridge. He stopped, pretending to need the break and leaned up against the railing. Gajeel stopped his jog, his eyes alight with a haughty smile.
"What's the matter, Sparky? Too tired-"
Laxus gripped him by his shirt and pulled, sending the Iron Dragon tumbling over the railing to the water below. A splash sent flecks of water up to moisten the ground and Laxus cringed at the chill.
Shit… that might have been overboard…
Gajeel sputtered up to the surface, his arms wrapped around himself as he shivered in the chilly water. His eyes were on fire as he glared up at Laxus.
"You… you fucking… what the hellLaxus!" he spat as the shaking became more violent, "It's fucking freezing!"
"You were working so hard you looked like you needed to cool off," Laxus grinned from his perch on the railing, crossing his arms and leaning against it as he looked down at Gajeel. Gajeel jumped up to grab the edge of the bridge only to have his grip slip and send him tumbling back into the freezing water. He surfaced again, this time his teeth chattering.
"You just wait until I get my hands on you…!" he seethed.
"Yo! Gajeel! You trying to make yourself rust?" Natsu's voice sounded and drew the attentions of both mages from the bridge. Natsu, Lucy and Happy were all headed their way, obviously laughing from the sight.
"Shaddup flame-brain!" he growled, wading to the edge.
"Ah, calm down," Natsu offered a hand and Gajeel grasped it firmly, "It's just a little wat-"
Gajeel pulled him in as well and Lucy squealed and jumped back to avoid the frigid splash. Happy laughed and flew away, saying something about the blonde being too heavy to carry to safety. Natsu surfaced, tremors wracking his body as Gajeel laughed.
"What's the matter? Did I put out your fire?" Gajeel grinned and Natsu jumped up to grab his arm. The two flailed as they fell back into the water and wrestled, trying to either get the other to give up or drown; Laxus was finding it hard to discern which. He felt a pang of jealousy nag at the back of his mind as he watched Natsu put his hands on the raven. He tried to shake it off. Natsu had said himself that he didn't have feelings for Gajeel, at least not anymore. But just knowing that something didhappen, and he was still fuzzy to the details, just made him want to break up whatever contact they had…
"It's good to see them getting along," Lucy's cheerful voice drew his attention away from the fighting Slayers, "We've all been worried about him."
"Yeah," he said quietly, turning to glance down at Gajeel who was racing Natsu to the edge.
"I'm surprised… of all the people to step up and befriend him in his time of need, it was you," she pondered slyly, "He must be pretty happy that you stepped in."
Laxus suddenly regarded her much less kindly than before, "Everyone needs someone when they're in a place like that. If it wasn't me I'm sure it would have been someone else."
"Is that the onlyreason?" she pressed, eyeing him shrewdly.
"Is it wrong to make sure your comrades are ok?" he growled back at her, suddenly feeling like he was being interrogated. She opened her mouth to say something else but the two had reached where they stood on the bridge.
Gajeel stripped off his shirt and threw the water-logged thing at Laxus who tried to dodge but Natsu was by his side, impeding his retreat. It smacked his chest heavily and the frigid water seeped into his shirt and through his fingers as he caught it. Natsu wrapped his arms around Laxus's waist, soaking his back in the process, and kept him still as Gajeel wrung out his hair on him. By the end of it he too was damp and freezing.
"You two going to the guild later?" Natsu beamed, his clothes already dried from his natural heat.
"Assuming we don't die from pneumonia," Laxus hissed and Gajeel elbowed him.
"And whose fault it that?" he growled, shivering.
"Great," Natsu laughed happily, "I'll tell Mira. She's been asking about you guys."
Laxus's brow furrowed, "She has?"
"Yeah. We've been worried about you," his grin faded a tad, "You haven't been to the guild in a while."
"Has it really been that long?" Gajeel muttered as if he hadn't actually realized that almost two months had passed since he'd last been. Laxus crossed his arms.
"Gramps has been on my back lately, so I've stayed away," he lied smoothly and Natsu didn't think anything of it. Gajeel just stared at the ground, still trembling slightly, "Tell Mira we'll see her later."
"Sounds good," Natsu beamed, as easy going as ever, and the three left them alone on the bridge. Gajeel let out a heartfelt sigh as he turned towards his house.
"Must be nice being that carefree all the time," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around himself as he walked.
"Pretty annoying if you ask me," Laxus wrung out the shirt Gajeel had thrown at him, "He never takes anything seriously."
"He does… just in his own way," Gajeel seemed far away again and Laxus didn't like it. Today had started out so positive, he didn't want it to suddenly slip away.
"I guess…" was all he could think to say and he threw the damp clothing at his back. He cast his eyes to the buildings around them, trying to think of something that could lighten Gajeel's spirits. He guessed it would be difficult now that he was cold and miserable. Maybe after they'd both bathed and dressed he'd feel a little better?
"Laxus? Hey, Laxus!" a familiar voice made the two stop and Laxus turned to search out its owner. His amber eyes fell on Freed and Bixslow as they approached from behind them. They were both dressed casually and Freed's hair was tied back into a neat bun low on his head.
"Hey," he felt a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, "What's up?"
"We're heading to the bathhouse," Bixslow grinned, his eyes alight with a strange mischief that always seemed to live there. Laxus used to think it was because of the strange magic he always employed but as he got to know him better he started thinking it was just his bizarre personality.
"Bathhouse, Bathhouse," his totems chittered happily.
"Would you like to join us? You look…" Freed looked him up at down, "Cold."
"We were actually just heading to Gajeel's house," Laxus put his hands on his hips and looked over at Gajeel who seemed increasingly uncomfortable, "We've been running."
"Laxus, you're always seeking new ways to improve yourself. I'm impressed, as always," Freed gushed, smiling proudly, "I strive to be more like you."
"Right," Laxus scratched at the back of his neck, not sure how much he wanted to deal with the two today, "Gajeel's been giving me pointers."
"Gajeel?" both Bixslow and Freed seemed confused, "You're taking advice from him?"
Laxus crossed his arms, immediately agitated. Freed saw it and began backpedaling, always trying to make him happy. It was patronizing at times, this one not excluded.
"Of course, that's wonderful that you can admit your own shortcomings and get help from others," Freed began, looking over at Gajeel who seemed to want to sink into the ground, "Gajeel, would you like to come too? We could all talk about our different routines?"
"I uh…"
"He's shy, he's shy," Bixslow's babies chimed in and Gajeel's eyes flashed angrily.
"I don't think we're in the mood," Laxus started but Gajeel just crossed his arms.
"No, it's fine, let's go. It'll be great," he growled, "I'm fucking cold anyway."
"Great," Freed smiled and Bixslow shrugged, his children happily repeating 'great' as they headed for the doors. After convincing Bixslow not to take them into the bathhouse with them, the four stripped down and made their way to the warm water. Laxus dipped his freezing feet in and felt as if the water were scalding him at first, but his body slowly adjusted and soon he was sinking in up to his shoulders and letting the cold of autumn melt away.
Gajeel was the last to saunter up to the water and he kept his towel wrapped protectively around his waist. He eyed the water for a long moment and made no move to get in until Freed and Bixslow's backs were turned from him. When he did finally let go of his last boundary, he sunk into the water quickly and kept further away. Laxus tried not to let his face show the tense worry he had because of it. What was he trying so desperately to keep from being seen?
"What have you been up to lately?" Freed's voice tugged his attention away from the raven who as still a few feet away, "You haven't been at the guild."
"That seems to be the question today," Laxus muttered, "I've just been preoccupied."
"With what?" Bixslow pressed, his maroon eyes darting towards Gajeel for a brief second before falling back to him, that odd impish look coming to his features. The look on Gajeel's face in response to Bixslow's inquiring stare made it obvious he was uncomfortable with the conversation turning to him so Laxus made up his mind to search for something else.
"I've actually been looking for a new place," he sighed, watching Freed as he pulled out some soap and started washing himself.
"What's wrong with the place you're at?" Freed piped, bringing his long emerald hair over his shoulder to run the soap through it, "I thought your landlord liked you as a renter?"
Bixslow glanced over at Gajeel, "He's the only tenant that pays his rent on time."
Gajeel blinked, obviously not interested at all with the conversation, "Ah."
"Apparently he's retiring. He's selling all his properties and moving somewhere more tropical,"
"Really? Good for him," Freed smiled wading over to Laxus, "Mind if I wash your back?"
"That's fine," Laxus crossed his arms and looked over at Bixslow who was studying Gajeel intently. Gajeel just sat awkwardly. He wasn't usually in the company of the two and even Laxus had to admit that they tended to be a bit much when they got their heads together. Between Bixslow's babies and the way Freed always made over him, even he got overwhelmed after too long. Evergreen was usually the one that was smoothing things over and keeping the guys in line, "So I've been looking for a new place to stay. I don't want to have to go back to the dorms if I don't have to."
"You could move in with me," Freed's voice held a smile as he massaged his back gently, "My house has an extra room and the rent is decent."
"Yeah?" Laxus hadn't actually thought much about finding a new place. He figured if it came down to it he'd move in with Gramps for a short while. He didn't have much as far as furniture went. It was mostly just his bedroom that he needed to pack up, "How much?"
"One hundred and twenty thousand a month," Freed let his hands linger for just a moment after he was done before he removed himself.
"You have expensive taste," Bixslow laughed, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, "Anything over ninety is expensive."
"I refuse to settle," was Freed's only reply.
"I'll think on it," Laxus sighed, "I just hate that I'll be moving when it's cold out."
"That is tedious," Freed let out an agitated breath, "he really should have given you more notice. But he probably isn't worried about poor business practice since he's getting out of the business… Gajeel, would you like me to wash your back?"
Gajeel's eyes widened, "I… no."
"Oh, don't be so shy," Freed waved the denial off and made is way over. Gajeel hunched his shoulders and gritted his teeth, fighting back saying something as Freed approached with soap in hand, "Where do you live at, Gajeel? You don't stay at Fairy Hills, do you?"
"I, uh…" he cringed slightly at Freed's touch but he pretended not to notice, "Lily and I rent a place over on the east side of town."
"Really?" Freed stressed the word as if he couldn't believe it, "What's rent like over in that part of town? Isn't it a little rougher over there?"
"I mean… I've never had any issues…"
"I don't doubt it," Freed pressed, touching something on Gajeel's back that made him start, "With all these scars I bet no one even thinks to mess with you."
"Freed," Laxus snapped and Freed looked up, feigning he had no idea why Laxus had suddenly gotten angry with him.
"I meant it as a compliment," he said innocently, "How did you get all these? They look old…"
"Freed, leave him alone," Laxus growled and this time he threw his hands up in silent submission.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," he backtracked again, slowly wading away from the raven who was clearly uncomfortable, "I think it's great you let your body heal naturally instead of using magic. I can only imagine it must have been difficult. I wish I had that kind of commitment, really. Even Laxus has his scar and tattoo… I just don't understand how you guys do it. Something like that on your body permanently…"
"I hope you never get seriously injured," Bixslow smirked, his eyes wild again, "Getting scarred will be the end of you."
"I think I'm going to go ahead and leave," Gajeel muttered, backing up towards the stairs.
"Oh, don't go, Gajeel. Honestly, I didn't mean any harm by it," Freed started.
"You're too much, Freed," Laxus smirked, drawing his attention, "You scared him away."
"What? It was an accident," Freed protested, turning back to look at Laxus. Laxus drew their attention so Gajeel could make his escape, grabbing his towel and swiftly covering himself.
"I think I'll go ahead and follow him," Laxus sighed as if it were a nuisance, "Make sure you didn't make him upset."
"But Laxus, you didn't wash myback,"
"Maybe you should have thought about that before you were rude to Gajeel," he growled back at him, flashing him a glare as he made his way for the stairs.
"Laxus," Bixslow called after him, causing him to stop and turn to his friend. Bixslow was an intimidating person. His ability to use Figure Eyes made him scarily perceptive and he could easily see the soul of the person he was gazing at. It always worried him when Bixslow took on anything that wasn't a humorous tone of voice because it often meant he saw something bad… or at least not good.
"Yeah?"
"Be careful. That guy has a lot going on," he said casually, lounging against the wall. Freed looked from Bixslow to Laxus, clearly confused as to what was going on. Laxus couldn't be too surprised. Knowing him, he'd probably known for a while that he'd had feelings for Gajeel. He should have realized that the reason why he was studying Gajeel so intently was because he had wanted to know more about the raven. It was invasive and alarming, but it was Bixslow. That was why he was such a good mage.
"I know," was all he replied as he left, grabbing a towel to wrap around himself as he made his way back to the lockers. He glanced down the hall and didn't see him but noticed that his clothes were still out to dry. He heard the sound of running water and turned to go towards the showers. There was only one working and he was certain he knew who was using it.
"Gajeel?" he called, making out his silhouette behind the curtain, "You alright?"
"Fine," he replied curtly. Laxus crossed his arms.
"You don't sound fine," he pressed, his heart beating a little faster as he thought about being bold, "Do you mind if I come in?"
There was a moment of unsure silence but Gajeel didn't say anything.
"Gajeel… I'm coming in…" he called one more time before shedding his towel and hanging it up on one of the hooks. He eased the curtain open and was met with molten lava eyes, "You alright?"
Gajeel diverted his gaze and stepped back as Laxus approached. He was holding his wrist and keeping his hands low as if he were trying to cover himself. Laxus raised an eyebrow at him but Gajeel didn't make an attempt to answer. He tilted his head to the side, unsure if he should press the issue or not.
"Listen… Freed is just touchy. He didn't mean anything by it," he stepped closer and Gajeel still didn't meet his gaze, "What are you trying to cover up?"
"Scars," he muttered and Laxus's brow furrowed.
"From what?" the silence that followed was enough to give him an answer, "Why?"
"She got angry because I wouldn't go along with that she wanted…"
"No, no," he stopped him, not wanting to make him think about Bianca any more than he had to, "Why are you covering them?"
Gajeel's gaze was boring ferociously into the ground and red was creeping up his neck, "It's… ugly."
Laxus processed what he'd said for a moment and in the silence there was just the sound of the water tapping against the tiled floor. He tilted his head to the side and looked down at him, trying to think of something to say.
"I bet it's not as bad as you think," Laxus said quietly, not wanting to reach out to him for fear he'd make him even more upset.
"I mean… they're all pretty… ugly," he muttered, trying to make his voice sound flippant but not quite making it.
"What?" Laxus felt his heart beginning to beat harder, "These?"
He reached a hand out touched a thin white line that was crossing across his bicep. Gajeel tensed and he clenched his jaw. He finally brought his eyes up to meet Laxus, a quiet plea there to just put it to rest, but Laxus's heart was already pounding and he felt angry heat bubbling up in his chest. Laxus reached out his other hand, touched the scars of cigarette burns that were still trying to heal.
"Laxus…" Gajeel hissed, "…don't."
Laxus didn't quite listen. He took a hold of his fist and brought it up to his face. Gajeel's calloused hands were shaking slightly and his pupils were starting to dilate. He closed his right eye as he brushed Gajeel's knuckle against the off-colored flesh of his scar. He could see the vein on Gajeel's neck tighten as he clenched his jaw.
"Do you think mine is ugly?" he murmured into his wrist.
Gajeel looked away again and but his thumb brushed against Laxus's face softly.
"There's nothing wrong with you," Laxus said gently and Gajeel tensed at the words and closed his eyes, "Your scars just tell a story of what you've been through… what you've survived…"
"You heard Freed. They scare people away; make me look like some sort of…"
"Then let the bastards think what they want to think," Laxus growled, getting angry despite himself, "They don't matter. Your scars are one of the things I like about you."
Surprise rose to his scarlet eyes and red began creeping up his neck again, "You don't mean that…"
Laxus growled, "If you keep talking like that I'm going to do something that will make you upset."
Gajeel cringed back, "Laxus…" he put up his free hand, "Listen… you need to know…"
"I need to know what?" he released Gajeel's hand and took a step back, realizing how much his blood was boiling and trying to calm down. He was being too forceful again and he kicked himself, "Sorry… you're not into it…"
Gajeel clenched his teeth and balled up his fists, "That's…"
"It's fine," Laxus stopped him, taking another step so that he was completely across the shower from him, "It's my fault. I need to get a better grip of myself."
"Laxus…" Gajeel hissed, closing his eyes against emotion that was suddenly bubbling up in his chest.
Laxus froze. What was he doing wrong? He'd backed down. He'd put space between them but it just seemed to make Gajeel even more upset. He was so confused. Should he be advancing? Backing down? Should he just leave? Stop apologizing? What was he doing wrong?
He took a breath and tried to bury his pride at his feet, "I don't know… what you want me to do."
Gajeel finally opened his eyes and he glared down at the ground. He gripped his arm so tightly that Laxus had to fight the urge to stop him. He was going to give himself bruises…
"I'm impotent," Gajeel ground out and Laxus felt like the world suddenly stopped for a moment.
"You're… what?" Laxus took in a sharp breath.
Gajeel let out a frustrated noise in the back of his neck, "I can't…"
"No, I know what… I'm sorry," he needed to stop talking. He was making things worse, "I know what that means I just… I don't understand."
"I told you," Gajeel growled through gritted teeth, his voice low as if he were worried someone would hear him speaking, "I can't make you happy. I can't give you what you want. I… I've tried…"
"You don't have to make me happy," Laxus was stumbling over himself. His mind couldn't catch up with what was going on, "You told me, you're not into guys, that's fine…"
"You don't…!" Gajeel caught himself raising his voice and then dropped it, "You don't understand, Laxus."
"Ok," he kept his voice level, "You're right. Tell me, then."
"You were right," Laxus started to open his mouth to speak but Gajeel put up a hand to stop him, "You were right. I had feelings for you. I asked you to follow me out there because… I wanted you."
Laxus's heart was shuttering in his chest, a feeling of elation suddenly fighting to consume him. He was right? Gajeel wanted him? Then why did this feel like a rejection? Why was he so agitated? Laxus fought to control his confusion and emotions. He needed to stay level headed… to listen.
"Ever since Bianca, I haven't… I can't…" Gajeel was fighting with his pride and his anger and hurt and it was hard to watch. Laxus desperately wanted to reach out a hand but he kept himself firmly rooted in place, not wanting to ruin anything, "Whenever I try to think about doing anything… intimate… I'm back there again... tied down… in the dark… and the… the heat…"
He was glaring down at his hands as if they had the answers and he just couldn't understand what it was they held. Finally, he sighed and his shoulders went slack. He was defeated again, and tired, and everything negative that he'd been fighting so hard not to be. The depression was creeping steadily across his face and Laxus felt like he was sinking too. Just when he was starting to think they were making progress…
"I feel helpless," he whispered, "She's dead… she's dead but she took my fucking body away from me… and I don't think I can get it back."