Chapter 34:
Laxus was stunned. He was completely at a loss of what to do or say. Gajeel was standing defeated before him and he didn't think the sound of water pattering against tile could be any louder. Gajeel refused to look at him, seeming as if he were ready to sink into the ground at any moment. Laxus needed to break the silence. The longer the raven sat in his own thoughts the darker his eyes got.
He crossed the open space between them and saw Gajeel startle at the sudden movement. Laxus hated seeing him like this. He was caving in on himself, self-destructing. He was watching him on the ledge all over again, just waiting for a reason to jump. What could he do? What does a person say to someone who has been hurt so badly that don't even understand their own body any longer? His mind was bubbling like carbonated water; tiny little ideas that fizzled away before they could become anything substantial.
He reached carefully and pulled some ebony locks away from Gajeel's shoulder. Ruby eyes regarded him coldly as he tried to reign back in his emotions. He was trying to pull the curtain back down and hide his broken parts. Laxus could tell by the way he clenched his jaw and leaned away from his touch. He wanted to tell him he didn't have to. He didn't have to be strong all the time, didn't have to hide what was truly going on.
Pieces were starting to align in Laxus's mind. Gajeel had been slightly standoffish since their kiss. He'd refused to be alone with Laxus and the morning they'd slept together was their last. He always kept a distance, refused to touch Laxus unless he absolutely had to. If all this was going on inside him, how had he been able to stand being near him? He was gripped by how blind he was… or maybe how skilled Gajeel was at hiding the turmoil he'd been just barely staying afloat in. He'd really not even scratched the surface of everything hiding under that iron armor. He didn't want Gajeel to recede back behind his shield. This was good, wasn't it? If Laxus could know the problem he could find a solution, even if it wasn't an easy one. He could only help if he knew what was going on. He was desperately trying to find something to say… to show he understood and cared… but he'd always been so bad at this. He'd never been very in touch with his own emotions let alone someone else's.
Mira's words haunted him. Show some weakness. He still hadn't really figured out what that had meant.
"I'm really fucking blind, huh?" Laxus muttered, bending down to catch Gajeel's eyes, "Or maybe you're just really good at being strong."
"Strong…" Gajeel spat the word out bitterly, "Hardly."
"You are," Laxus said earnestly, maybe even too much so, "I don't think I could have been able to handle it. I probably would have lost my mind…"
Red was creeping up Gajeel's neck again, "I feel like I have sometimes."
Laxus clenched and unclenched his jaw, "Is there… any way…?"
"Any way, what?" Gajeel's eyes were guarded as he looked up at the blonde.
"I want to help you… but I don't know how," he admitted quietly, "Everything I do just seems to make things worse."
"It doesn't make it worse…" Gajeel muttered. They were fumbling around each other again. They were awkward and confused and wanted something and didn't want something. Laxus was very aware that this was going to be difficult; this was going to take time. But he was willing to wait if Gajeel was willing to try. He just needed to find a way to help him recover, to become himself again.
Laxus chewed his lip, "They're bad memories… yeah?"
"Yeah…" his ruby eyes were muted, trying to read into whatever Laxus was saying.
"Would it help if…" he paused, suddenly extremely unsure of what he was about to say.
"…if?"
"If we made some good ones?"
Gajeel became very still and his expression darkened, "I don't think you understand."
"I mean… it's worth a shot, right? Maybe you'll find out you're not as bad as you think?" Laxus tried, still not making a move to touch him just in case it wasn't something he was ready for, "Alone… your mind tends to wander to darker places…"
"What… what do you want to do…?" Gajeel brought his eyes up slowly, flicking up Laxus's body quickly in the process. It wasn't the lingering glance of a lover trying to entice him forward. It was insecure and tense, but he made an attempt.
Laxus slowly leaned down and pressed his lips against Gajeel's. It was timid and Laxus once again felt like he was some small kid getting kissed for the first time. It just wasn't what he was used to or what he was expecting. He was used to the lips of a woman that yielded and tried to please him and also let him dominate. Kissing Gajeel was an entirely different experience. He was harsh despite being unsure and his lips didn't part and sigh into his mouth. Instead they kissed him back just a little forcefully.
Laxus was so tense and his heart was pounding in his chest as he pulled back slightly, eyes like citrine gemstones as they kept Gajeel's rubies.
"Ok?" Laxus breathed and watched the red crawling up Gajeel's neck to tip his ears.
"Yeah…"
"Can I touch you?" his heart was pounding even louder in his ears. Gajeel didn't respond but he didn't pull away from him as he brought a hand up to once again touch the scar on his chest. He leaned down and pressed his lips against his tanned skin. He was softer than Laxus thought he'd be and he ran his tongue against the rough line easily, coaxing a sigh from the raven. He made his way down, trailing his lips across his skin as he made his way down his chest. Gajeel's hand was on the wall as if he were using it to stay standing and his arms were trembling slightly. Laxus stopped his procession downward as Gajeel's breathing became more frantic. He was listening intently, trying so hard to make sure he didn't make any missteps.
"Are you alright?" he breathed, feeling a shiver working its way down his spine. It was so difficult to keep calm. Maybe he couldn't do this after all.
"Fine," was all he could seem to manage through the quiet worry, "It's fine."
"Do you want me to stop?" he was taking another step forward. They were almost chest to chest now and Gajeel was trying his best to stand straighter, to seem more confident than he felt. He didn't respond to the question, just reached his hand out and let his knuckles trail along Laxus's chin. He didn't mean for it to happen, but the touch sent a strike of lightning straight through Laxus's body. Laxus gripped his wrist, kissed him kindly on the soft flesh just below his palm. Fresh scars dotted from his recent battles with his depression and Laxus followed the trail up his forearm to the larger, angry white strikes from some past fight. He let his teeth trail against the metal studs and Gajeel visibly tensed.
Laxus pulled back, expecting to see fear or anger or in his eyes but instead was met with molten hunger. Laxus suddenly found it extremely hard to contain himself. He kissed him again and this time it wasn't timid. It was ambitious and lustful and he stifled a moan as he got so close he could feel Gajeel's skin pressing against his own. He ran out his tongue and felt the heat of Gajeel's mouth. Desire was building inside of him and he shivered at the thought that it might be in Gajeel as well. He ran his hand down Gajeel's chest, feeling each rise and fall as his hands glossed over toned muscle. He was still gripping Gajeel's wrist, harder this time, as if letting him go would mean he'd suddenly disappear.
"Laxus…" Gajeel breathed, breaking their kiss and causing Laxus to nip at his jawline. He let a growl slip through his lips as he ran his tongue against the solid muscle on Gajeel's neck. He could feel it tauten and a slight tremor was starting in the man against him.
"Laxus… let me go…!" Gajeel's voice trembled but it didn't register to Laxus as to why. He was marveling at the feeling of Gajeel's heat against his chest. He kissed upwards, letting his free hand wander across Gajeel's naval and then dipping lower…
Gajeel's hands were suddenly on his shoulders, pushing him away and holding him there. Laxus froze and his heart sank slightly. Gajeel's eyes were wide and unnerved, his hands were shaking and he was clutching Laxus as if at any moment he was going to rip him out of his way. Laxus stayed still and watched the way his chest rose and fell with each frantic gasp. In one shaky breath the tension eased out of his body and he slumped forward, letting his wet, midnight locks slip over his shoulders to hide the expression on his face.
"Sorry…" Laxus was kicking himself, eating himself alive. He was always getting carried away, always losing himself so easily in the moment whenever Gajeel was involved. He'd never been like this before and the thought suddenly struck him that Gajeel must be something different to him to elicit this type of ferocious lust. It was something he'd never experienced before and if he didn't get it under control, and fast, it would spell the end of what was between them before it could even be something substantial to begin with.
Gajeel looked up at him, ruby eyes suppressing the dread that was still trying to fade, "T's fine… I just… give me a sec."
Laxus didn't move, just watched him calm himself. There was a bitter taste in his mouth as he realized that Gajeel would probably leave after this and he'd carry with him the encounter they'd just had. He didn't want that. He desperately didn't want that. He didn't want any more bad memories. He wanted to somehow turn this into something positive… but how? He only ever seemed good at ruining everything.
He stepped back, breaking Gajeel's hold on him. He was just going to leave but the way Gajeel sank, his hands balling into fists at his side, made his stomach churn with guilt. He did this. Shouldn't he do something to fix it?
Laxus cast his eyes and noticed the soap dispenser. Biting down his own awkwardness, he squeezed the lukewarm substance into his hand and moved back over to the Iron Dragon. Gajeel regarded him coldly once again and Laxus lifted up his free hand in a gesture like surrender. Wordless, he pressed his hands against Gajeel's chest and slipped them across his body, tiny bubbles appearing wherever he touched. He was graceless as he purposefully tried to avoid his eyes trailing to places that might make him uncomfortable and Gajeel took notice, his lip quirking up if with a bit more dejection than mirth.
"I ain't glass," he growled and Laxus felt heat creeping up his neck.
"I always fuck something up," he responded tersely and Gajeel's expression softened slightly.
"It just freaks me out," he breathed as Laxus's hands ghosted across his abs, "If I start feeling like I did…"
"I get it," Laxus murmured, dropping his hands finally, "you don't have to explain. I just…"
He stopped, not sure what to say. Gajeel was looked at him expectantly, waiting to hear him finish even though he wasn't quite sure what he was wanting to explain. He crossed his arms and met his gaze, not wanting to show how unsure he felt. They were so hesitant around each other, tiptoeing and trying not to hurt feelings or cause alarm. He didn't think he could keep up this dance. Something had to break and he was sure he'd be the first. He just didn't know how he was supposed to put into words something he couldn't even understand. He cared but he couldn't show it because Gajeel was still wrestling with demons. He didn't know how long he could keep standing at a distance.
"I'm sorry… I'm bad at this." Laxus tried to smile at him, "I'm learning. You'll have to be patient with me."
Gajeel didn't say anything, just stared at him with a cool, calculated look in his eyes. It unnerved him. Was he doing something wrong again? He set his jaw and stepped forward, reaching purposefully past Laxus to also get some soap. Laxus's heart skipped a beat at the feel of Gajeel's strong hands against his chest, stoking gently down his ribs and stomach. He swallowed hard as Gajeel stepped closer and turned those ruby eyes up at him, daring him to say something as hands wandered down his hips and dipped lower towards his thighs.
"I thought…" Laxus sighed as his blood began to sing in his veins, "…you didn't want to do this…"
Gajeel's hand wrapped around him and he shut his eyes, holding his hands suspended as if he didn't know what to do with them. Gajeel licked his lips as he wrestled with the words in his mind, trying to find the best way to say whatever it was he needed to. Laxus's breathing caught in his throat when Gajeel ran down the length of his dick and suddenly both men were finding it hard not to get lost in the moment.
"When shit happens to me it still triggers," Gajeel's voice was a low growl as he worked him and he kept a steady, almost intimidating eye contact with Laxus as he spoke, "But I can what I want to you just fine."
"Shit…" Laxus felt like lightning had just struck him with just those last few words. Gajeel leaned up and kissed him roughly, the lust from before igniting in both of them. Those red eyes were swimming again and Laxus felt like he could fall into them if he leaned too far into their kiss. Gajeel's teeth ran harshly against his lip and Laxus grunted as his free hand dug nails into his back whilst he pulled him closer. Gajeel released their kiss and Laxus felt as if his breath had been stolen in the process.
"Get closer to me…"
Laxus obeyed and felt Gajeel's member slide against his own. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and grabbed fistfuls of his hair. He was trembling with every stroke that Gajeel administered and he couldn't help but pull Gajeel into another electrified kiss.
"Can you do us both?" he growled into Gajeel's mouth. He felt his lips turn up wickedly against his own.
"Greedy," was all he managed in return as he released Laxus for just a moment before leaning his hips closer and holding them both in his masterful grip. They were kissing each other as if their lives depended on it. There was no battle for dominance like the few other times Laxus remembered, just unbridled hunger and heat and madness. He could feel Gajeel throbbing against him and it made him want to just fall in his building ecstasy; but he could feel it rising in Gajeel too as his strokes became more frantic and Laxus desperately wanted to cum with him if he could.
When Gajeel broke their kiss this time he pressed his forehead against his chest. Laxus didn't realize he was pulling his locks and Gajeel had no idea he was still slowly raking his nails down the small of Laxus's back. Laxus felt the lightning culminating inside him, was panting into Gajeel's ear as he tried to hang on just a little bit longer…
"Fuck, Gajeel…" he groaned out and he could feel a tattered sigh falling against the flesh of his chest, "Hurry up and cum so I can too."
He thought he heard him whine in desperation; a needy keening noise came from the raven's throat and made Laxus shiver, "Say my name again."
Laxus grinned despite himself and ran his tongue against his studded ear, "Gajeel…" he sighed, playing it up a just a bit, "Gajeel, please…"
That did it. He felt the shock as it shuddered its way down the raven's body and he let loose at the same time. They were both trembling, holding onto each other as they came down from their climax. Gajeel tipped his head back and Laxus quickly found his lips for one last heated kiss before they untangled themselves from each other. Gajeel looked tired and it was all Laxus could do to keep his hands off of him while they both rinsed in the long-cold water. Laxus couldn't help it. When Gajeel had his back turned, he slipped his hands under his arms and wrapped them around his torso. Gajeel didn't become still and defensive like he usually did and Laxus buried his face into his neck.
A playful smile came to his lips and Gajeel tilted his head back in question, "You didn't feel impotent to me."
"You fucking know what I meant," he snapped, but Laxus held him fast. He just wanted to have him close for a moment, appreciate the step forward they had just taken. They could work this out. It wasn't as hopeless as Gajeel, or even Laxus for that matter, had originally thought.
"I know this was hard," he forced the words out, trying to be transparent for once and just let the moment ride for as long as possible, "You didn't have to and I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't so… thanks… for giving this a shot."
Gajeel was silent for a moment and then nudged him away with his elbow, "Yeah, yeah. I'm tired of the moody shit."
Laxus released him and pulled the curtain back as Gajeel turned off the water. He threw him a towel and the two exited the stall, not too worried about who would see since the place was desolate. As they made their way to their lockers, Laxus noticed that Freed and Bixslow's belongings were still there. Maybe they were still in the public bath? Laxus stayed in his own head while he dressed and he just barely heard Gajeel's voice as he finished speaking.
"Huh? What was that?" he glanced over at him, straightening his running shorts as best he could as they were still damp.
"I said…" Gajeel shot him a glare as if Laxus had misheard him on purpose, "Is the public bath a kink fer you or somethin'? This is the second time."
"If I had a kink at this point I'd say it's more a person than a place," he eyed him pointedly and watched scarlet fight to color his neck. He rolled his eyes as he masterfully hid his fluster.
"Yeah well… can ya try to keep it in yer pants while we're in public?" he grumbled, grabbing his boxers and slipping them on. Laxus watched him dress unabashedly, and just barely made out a thin, fresh scar poking out just from the bottom of his boxers on his inner thigh. He furrowed his brow. Gajeel glanced over at him questioningly as the silence extended and his eyes widened slightly when he noticed Laxus's intense gaze.
"You never let me see your scar," Laxus lifted his eyes to where Gajeel's should be but he wasn't looking at him any longer, "May I?"
"If you must," he replied melodramatically, crossing his arms and lifting his right leg up to rest his foot on the bench, allowing his boxers to rise up. It ran along his inner thigh and vanished farther into his shorts, "Told ya it was ugly."
Laxus clenched his jaw, "What made it?"
Gajeel shook his head, "I'm not really sure. I just remember it hurting like a bitch,"
Laxus rested his hand on his knee, feeling as if his stomach were sinking into his toes, "I should have been there… I knew something was wrong when you didn't come back but I didn't…"
"Shit happens," Gajeel cut him off and tentatively placed his own tanned hand on top of Laxus's pale, "It ain't anyone's fault."
Laxus eased slowly down to his knees and held his leg still. He could see the nervousness in Gajeel's ruby eyes as they darted down either aisle. His comforting hand was not gripping him as he fought to stay his anxiety.
"Laxus…" he hissed, but he didn't listen.
"Where does it end?" he pressed, bringing his free hand to push back the hem of his shorts.
"You'll find out soon enough," he muttered angrily, "Get up."
Laxus disregarded him completely. He'd never been one to just act without thinking but something about Gajeel seemed to steal all his discipline away. He sighed heavily, watching the hair on his leg stand on end as he did so, and pressed his lips against the dark slash. He heard Gajeel's breath catch and turned his eyes up to see him pressing his knuckles to his lips shakily. Without breaking eye contact he kissed the angry scar again, daring to open his mouth and press his sharper teeth against his soft skin. He wanted to follow the line upwards; cover it in kisses and licks and all sorts of different things. He wanted to hide the painful memories with the only way he knew how. He wanted…
"Kiss, kiss, kiss…"
Gajeel was suddenly across the aisle and slammed against the wall of free standing lockers. Laxus fumbled onto his hands, having lost what was holding him up so suddenly. He gritted his teeth as he looked over to see Bixslow standing in all his naked glory, arms crossed with his floating totems surrounding him. His maroon eyes were lit like diamonds and a wide grin was covering his face.
"Bixslow…" Laxus rumbled, fighting to keep his embarrassment hidden, "you could have said something."
"Just be happy I convinced Freed to stay in the bath a few minutes longer," he grinned wickedly, "He'd be pissed."
"Pissed. Pissed."
"Gee, thanks," Gajeel seethed, crossing his arms as if they could somehow hide him entirely.
"You're welcome," he jibed back, completely unperturbed by the Iron Dragon's angry mortification. He walked proudly over to his locker and began changing as if he hadn't just walked into the middle of such an intimate moment between the two and Gajeel wasn't sending daggers his way the entire time.
"So," Bixslow eyed Laxus as he pulled on his pants, "you actually looking for a place to stay or was that just an excuse?"
"I'm actually looking for a place," he sighed, grabbing his shirt and pulling the cool fabric over him. Gajeel had begrudgingly returned to his locker to finish getting dressed, his eyes watching Bixslow's floating babies closely the entire time. He was uncomfortable again and it was clear he was ready to be home. But he was listening intently to the conversation and looked as if he wanted to say something but quickly stole away the thought before he could dare to let it out.
"You just moving in with the Master until you get it figured out?" Bixslow said offhandedly, running his fingers through his hair to try and turn it into some semblance of his usual style, "That'll be a pain."
"Yeah, well, it'll just be temporary. We get sick of each other real fast."
"You could move in with me," Gajeel said the words so quickly that at first Laxus was convinced he hadn't actually heard them. He looked over at him and couldn't stop the smile that played at his lips at the thought, "Lily and I were ready to look for a bigger place anyway."
"Cute! Cute!"
"Bixslow, c'mon, man," Laxus growled.
"I can't help it! My babies speak their minds!"
"What's all the commotion?" Freed's voice reached them before he even turned the corner.
"Tch," Gajeel clicked his teeth and turned on his heel, "I'm over this. Just tell me your decision later."
"Over what? What is he angry about?" Freed was striding towards him, "Gajeel I apologized."
"I ain't mad about that!" he snapped, "Get some damn clothes on!"
"Oh, come now, we're all men. Calm down."
Laxus sat down on the bench and propped his chin on his fist as he watched the two bicker. His grin widened just slightly. Gajeel was willing to live with him? His thoughts were interrupted by Bixslow dropping down beside him, his deep eyes glancing over at him perceptively.
"You've got it bad, bro," he whispered knowingly, "I didn't even see you like this with Mira."
"Bix…" he hushed him, "It's not a big deal."
"Yeah… right," he watched Freed hassle Gajeel for a moment, those piercing eyes staring right through Gajeel the entire time, "But he makes your soul happy."
"He does?" Laxus eyed him steadily. Bixslow just shrugged and pushed himself up, walking over to grip Freed's arm and drag him away from the Iron Dragon. Gajeel muttered something and stomped off towards the exit. He cast his ruby eyes back over his shoulder, though, to check and be sure Laxus was going to be close behind. He smiled at the raven and even in his heart he knew it was genuine. He saw scarlet tinge the tips of his pierced ears but he shot him a half-grin in return before turning out of sight, "So he does…"