Gajeel stepped into the crisp, wintery air and let out a steadying breath. His stomach turned angrily with iron and he stuffed his hands into his pockets, starting off down the sidewalk. It wasn't hard to get out of eyesight, there was hardly anyone about and those who were scattered quickly. He gritted his teeth. He used to like that; that feeling when he knew that everyone was dodging out of his way. He had liked being feared. It was addictive and toxic… and now more than ever it was bittersweet.
Once he'd moved to Fairy Tail, once he'd actually had people he could call family and friends, he never wanted to feel that way again. To be feared was one thing but having people respect you, look up to you, and want to be near you… that breathed life into an otherwise dark and solitary existence. The people of Datura had that taken from them forcibly before Gajeel had joined Phantom Lord, but that didn't mean he didn't help perpetuate and even deepen that same hold. He'd run the town, after all. And no, maybe he wasn't the Master or maybe he didn't get off to seeing people suffer, but that didn't mean he didn't leave his mark… and boy was it a mark. It was a mark so scarred and so deep that someone felt fit to make their home in Kurogane's remains. Like a phoenix rising his past just kept haunting him. He gritted his teeth against the idea that maybe he'd never be free of its talons.
He reached into his jacket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He lit one and put it to his mouth as he walked, taking as deep a dreg as he dared before letting the smoke ease from his nostrils and then finally breathe out a cloud of the foul smoke. He passed the alleyway where they'd seen the symbol of the Phantom Risers and stopped, a prickle of rage eating away at his chest as he stared.
"What a stupid fucking name," he growled as he studied it, "And Kuroganeis their Master."
He chuckled darkly to himself and smirked. He used to send messages all the time, didn't he? It had been one of his favorite pastimes. There was just something about desecrating something dear to another guild that could slaughter morale and reduce a bunch of otherwise fearless mages into nothing more than sniveling runts. Without a second thought, he activated his Iron Shield, flexing his hand as he walked up and glancing down at his talons. It was a simple message that he carved into the brick over the symbol and it stood out starkly white in contrast.
KUROGANE HAS RETURNED
He eyed his handiwork before taking a solid leap to the roof of the building. From that height, he looked for the two mages that had retreated from the small bakery just moments earlier. He ran east, his nose not much of use since he was smoking, and quickly spotted them making their retreat. He ducked down and stalked as close as he dared, although in all their frantic checking to be sure they weren't being followed they not once checked the rooftops. That didn't stop Gajeel from being careful, though.
"I thought he was in jail!" thanks to Laxus, the larger mage was still walking with a limp. Gajeel scrunched up his nose. The poor bastard would be feeling that for the next couple of days.
"So did I!" Krew muttered, helping the other along, "Unaven ain't gonna be happy…"
"I can't believe ya told him," the larger mage growled, "Ya get under the tiniest bit of pressure Krew and ya crack!"
"Says you! He took ya down in one swing!"
Gajeel stole himself to the next rooftop to keep in line with the two. Just as they passed the last house heading out of town, he finally let loose the rampant Iron energy that had been bubbling inside of him ever since he'd seen the Phantom Risers insignia. With an easy throw, he launched four of his Iron Dragon's Clubs over to block their exit and the two danced back in shock and terror at the sudden wall protruding from the ground in front of them. He growled as he leapt from the townhouse he'd been perched on and landed precisely on one of his clubs, squatting down slightly so he wouldn't tower over them so. Krew immediately paled and the other mage took on a strong stance, ready to fight.
"You two didn't get far, eh?" he grinned, "You can calm down… I ain't here to fight."
The larger mage didn't respond but he didn't lower his defense, eyes watching Gajeel like a hawk. He was wide and tall, but not as tall as he, and he was young. Gajeel hadn't noticed before how young he really was. The kid couldn't have been a day over nineteen. A nasty scar on his neck that disappeared under the lip of his tunic told Gajeel he'd already seen enough action to not be taken lightly.
"What the hell do you want?" the kid sneered up at him, eyes fiery.
"First of all, ye ain't gonna take me down, not after Laxus hit you with his lightning. Ya won't be fast enough," Gajeel's smile disappeared as he regarded him but the kid didn't break, "Second, I'm here to get some information."
"We ain't talkin'!" Krew hissed, standing somewhat behind his comrade in a show of his true cowardice. Gajeel sniffed and rolled his eyes, taking a draw from his cigarette before hopping down to be on their level. He pulled out his pack and offered it to the kid who glared at him for just a moment before taking one.
"So… how'd ye get mixed up with the Phantom-wannabes?" Gajeel hummed.
"I don't see how that's any of your business."
"T's not. But ya don't seem as dimwitted as yer partner there, and you obviously do the heavy-lifting… looks like a guy like you could do better."
He narrowed his eyes at Gajeel, "If all yer doin' is makin' small talk, then we're leavin'."
Gajeel sighed and reached into his jacket to pull out a small roll of jewels, "I got a couple questions an' I ain't been in the business for a while so I need help gettin' answers."
"We ain't tellin' you where the guild is," he said coolly, eying the money in Gajeel's hand.
"T's fine. We'll find ya one way er another," the mage narrowed his eyes but Gajeel didn't elaborate, "I'm actually askin' about somethin' else… is Phantom still in touch with all of their old clients?"
The two watched him steadily but didn't make a move to answer. Gajeel raised his eyebrow but took the silence as affirmation.
"Does the name Ulrich mean anything to you?"
"Ulrich?" Krew hissed, "What the hell do ya need ta know about them?"
"You don't share all yer business with me, I don't share mine with you," Gajeel growled, noticing the unsteady calm that fell over the two, "Ya'll run with 'em?"
"Ain't no mage runs with the Ulrich family," Krew muttered, "And they ain't recruitin'. Only certain people are allowed to work with 'em… an it ain't the warm-blooded variety, if ya get me."
"What do ya mean?"
"They're a bunch a lizards," the taller mage took a large step closer and dropped his voice, "An not by magic either."
Gajeel clenched his jaw, a sudden remembrance of golden eyes and sharp teeth making his palms start to itch. Lizards? Gajeel tried to remember the words he'd heard Bianca say when he'd caught her cornering Laxus. He'd only caught bits and pieces… about being able to disappear if you weren't gazing directly at her. He'd known her voice to change… and the time in the pool when he'd tried to grab hold of her and she just seemed to vanish, barely out of reach. But… a lizard? What did he even know about lizard-folk that would make them like that? And without magic on top of it all?
Gajeel ran his tongue against his teeth, trying to decide what he needed to say. From the looks of the two mages in front of him, whatever relationship the Phantom Risers had with the Ulriches was shaky at best. They were obviously wary, and the way the larger mage dropped his voice implied they didn't want to be caught talking about them. He clenched his jaw.
"Who's yer contact?" Krew edged up close as well, his eyes darting to a nearby alley as if checking for prying eyes.
Gajeel glanced behind the two into the street and then glanced into the surrounding flatland, "Why don't we walk, eh?" he plucked a couple of bills from his roll and slipped some to each of them, "We'll talk about specifics on the way… I know Krew, what can I call you?"
"The name's Ezal," he narrowed his eyes at Gajeel, "Just because yer payin' me doesn't mean I'll pull my punches later."
"Of course," Gajeel smirked as they continued out of town, "I wouldn't expect anythin' elese."
"This guy's been around the ring before," Krew elbowed Ezal with a chuckle.
"Hmph,"
"My contact was Bianca Ulrich." Gajeel lit another cigarette as he walked, trying to ignore the stillness in the air.
"Bianca, huh? She was one helluvah woman…" Krew groaned, "Her and that asshole of a bodyguard… Ceatus?"
"You seem to know a lot about her," Gajeel droned quietly.
"I'm surprised she didn't mention the Phantom Risers… she'd commissioned some of our guys to run her facility…" Krew muttered, glancing over to Ezal.
Gajeel felt angry heat start to settle in his chest. He remembered being tied up and a voice he recognized… someone from Phantom Lord…
"They sang your praises at Phantom Lord… I wonder what Master Jose would have thought if he knew this was what you really were,"
Gajeel gritted his teeth, trying to let the cold bite of the early winter chill the sudden hate flaring in his veins. He couldn't lose his cool now, he wouldn't get anywhere if he did. He was lucky enough that the Phantom Risers even kept contact with some of the old Phantom Lord clients… and that the Ulriches were some of them.
"Yeah? Anyone I knew?" Gajeel didn't make eye contact as he spoke and instead stared pointedly at his cigarette, "Maybe I can get into touch…"
"Can't," Ezal cut him off before he could finish, "They're all dead."
Gajeel stopped and looked over to Ezal, scrunching his brows in an attempt to seem concerned, "What?"
"Yeah… ten of our guys along with whoever else she had hired… even her guard dog. All done singlehandedly from what I heard," Krew smirked, "No one in the place made it out alive."
"What happened? Competition take her out?"
"Dunno. If they did, no one came forward to take her place,"
"I think it was an inside job," Ezal muttered as he blew out a cloud of smoke, "How else would they have known the facility so well?"
"They knew the facility?" Gajeel pressed, his heart picking up pace.
"They had to. They pulled the tapes."
"Really…" he stared down his cigarette again, trying to curb the nervousness building in his stomach, "…yer right… it does sound like someone trying to cover their tracks."
"That could mean anyone," Krew sniffed, "A well-trained merc would know to do that. Hell, we were trained to do that during missions, eh, Gajeel?"
"I just said it sounded like someone tryin' to cover their tracks," Gajeel feigned like he was contemplating the whole thing, "But the Magic Council is involved. How do ya know they don' have 'em?"
Krew and Ezal exchanged a look before Ezal spoke, "A guy from the Magic Council showed up and asked about it… and he was one of them."
Gajeel's heart sank, "One of them? One of the Ulriches?"
"Aye," Krew dropped his voice again, "An' get this… he was a Lieutenant… had a real fancy name, too. What was it Ezal? Damion? Daton?"
"Davian Bishop."
The two stared at him for a moment before Krew snickered, "Sounds like ya know 'im?"
"We've met," Gajeel spat angrily, "He wants me locked up."
Krew snorted, "Who doesn't?"
Gajeel laughed, albeit bitterly, "Good point."
He turned to them, then, and offered his hand to shake theirs. Krew took it graciously and Ezal hesitantly, still watching him coldly the entire time. He paid them a fair price for their information and gave them both a cigarette for the road.
"If ye find out anything else, get the information to Hajime… you remember 'im, eh, Krew?"
His eyes widened slightly, "How could I not? He works for you now?"
"Nah, he's straight and not interested in getting back in the business. He owed me a favor and I called it in."
"Right, right… beggin' yer pardon, but… why do you want to know about the Ulriches? Callin' in a man like Hajime… that don' exactly sound like a side job." Krew pressed lightly, clearly not wanting to upset the Iron Dragon.
He regarded him for a moment, then looked at Ezal, before finally summoning up the best shadow of his old self he could muster and flashing his sharper teeth in a cocky grin, "I can image you'll find a way ta put two and two together, so fine, I'll let you in on a little bit. This Davian guy is tryna put me away an' I think it has something to do with someone higher than him."
"And… and you think it was her? Bianca?" Krew paled slightly.
"I did… until she suddenly disappeared… an' now I know why," Gajeel's smirk faded, "So now I have to work my way up."
Krew and Ezal shared another look and this time, Ezal cleared his voice, "I hope yer wrong, Kurogane. They ain't people to be messin' with."
"Why? You know somethin' else?" he cocked his head to the side as he spoke and Ezal seemed shaken by his casual attitude.
"T's just rumors," Krew hissed, "T'ain't nothin' ta take serious…"
"They're man-eaters," Ezal continued, refusing to be shut down, "Called themselves chameleons… look 'em up. They're wicked as hell and if yer targeted by 'em, ya might as well be dead."
Gajeel smirked, "I ain't dead 'til I'm in the ground, kid. But thanks, I'll be sure ta do my homework."
He left them and headed back towards town. As he walked away he heard Ezal muttering to Krew.
"Should we have told him all that?"
"Kid… you'll learn one day ta pick yer battles… Anythin' yer gettin' paid for is good enough."
Gajeel smirked. Good ole Krew; at least he knew he could always trust Krew to only ever be just what he was, a slimy son of a bitch.
Finding the Raijinshuu wasn't hard. Actually, they were right where he thought he'd find them. They were all congregated outside the bakery, loitering in silent cold awaiting his return. He'd taken the rooftops again and so he had to leap from the top of the building to land at Laxus's side. The blonde raised an eyebrow at him.
"Oi, what took ya so long?"
"Just tryin' ta get some answers… you guys know where the guild is?"
"East," cast his eyes down the direction Gajeel had gone earlier, "They repurposed an old fort, it seems."
"Say what you want about the old man, he makes good bread," Bickslow muttered through a mouthful of sweet buns, "An' he's got a good memory."
"Poor guy…" Gajeel muttered but Bix just show him a wide smile.
Laxus took in the two for a minute as they headed down the street, "Bickslow has used his Figure Eyes on you, Gajeel?"
Gajeel glared seeming down at Bickslow's feet, "Onceand it will never happen again."
"I commend your enthusiasm but that's nearly impossible to guarantee. All he has to do is make eye contact with you," Freed sighed, crossing his arms firmly.
"You've used it on Freed." Laxus addressed Bickslow directly and jumped back slightly, pulling his mask back over his face to cover his eyes.
"Gajeel needed to work through something, it wasn't a fight. And it did help, didn't it?" he defended nervously, as his babies swooped closer overhead.
"It helped! It helped!"
"AndFreed, if you'd like to elaborate as to what happened when I used it on you, be my guest," his voice took an edge then and a maniacal grin tugged at his lips. Freed immediately turned a deep shade of crimson and coughed anxiously.
"Y-yes well… it was still a bit uncalled for…"
Bickslow wrapped his arm around Freed's shoulders and Gajeel could just barely made out the words, "I'll keep that in mind next time…"
He cocked a studded brow at them and Freed somehow managed an even deeper shade of red before quickly pushing Bix off of him, muttering about personal space the entire time. Gajeel took a deep breath in, trying to discretely taste the air as Freed powered ahead of him and Bickslow took on an easy jaunt beside him. He crossed his arms and leaned slightly away from the taller mage, sending him a knowing look aimed directly at his shoulder. He heard Bix chuckle, trying to draw Gajeel's attention away from himself.
"Well, true to his word, Laxus, your boyfriend refuses to look me in the eyes even when I have my mask on."
"Smart man," Evergreen fanned herself as she walked alongside Laxus, "Laxus, has he never used his Figure Eyes on you? Not even to see what it's like?"
"Can't say I've ever been particularly interested," Laxus stared at the sky above them and noted the way the grey skies were rolling in darker, angrier snow clouds, "Not even before."
"Before… what?" Evergreen looked at him questioningly and he just smiled gently down at her.
"I lost control of my body once… I'd rather keep it from happening again."
Gajeel felt his stomach flip nervously from the sudden dark tone the group had fallen into. The whole of Raijinshuu seemed shocked at his words, although Freed seemed to be processing. Bickslow tilted his head back slightly to look at his leader, all traces of a smile gone, and Evergreen paled.
"What… what happened? Who could have done something like that?" she spoke her thoughts aloud, although they seemed to be mostly to herself.
"Someone who's not with the living anymore," Gajeel muttered, before glancing back at Laxus who's eyes seemed to be focused on something in the far distance, "Don' worry, Sparky, if it ever happens again I'll knock some sense inta ya."
Laxus stepped up next to him, causing Bickslow to make a sudden dodge to get out of the way, and wrapped his arm around the raven, "Of course… I wouldn't expect anything less."
Gajeel responded by intertwining his arm under Laxus's jacket and around his waist. Bickslow and Evergreen shared a look as they watched two. What they once thought to be a strange and explosive couple suddenly looked extremely tame and supportive. Evergreen fanned herself lightly, this time using it to cover her mouth as she whispered to Bickslow.
"They do seem sort of good for each other… don't they?"
"You have no idea," Bix's lip quirked up slightly, "If you could see what I see, you would have thought that a long time ago."
"Really?" she hummed, "And what do you see?"
"I see…" he ran his tongue across his lower lip as he thought about what to say and Ever waited patiently, used to her strange friends' reserved nature about what he saw when examining souls and more than a little surprised that he was even considering sharing what he was seeing with her, "Laxus become softer, less a brash and more thoughtful… and Gajeel is calm."
"Calm? He doesn't seem that riled to me."
"He hides it well," Bix's smile faded then and he became fixated on the pair, "They share things with each other that I don't think they share with anyone else…" then he added more flippantly, "Could be soulmates… if I believed in that type of thing."
"Really…? Makes me wonder…"
"Want me to tell you what I see when I look at you and Elfman?" he teased, grinning so wide his tongue lolled out of his mouth.
"Keep those eyes to yourself," she tutted, smacking him in the chest with her fan as he cackled.
They ended up making camp outside of town instead of attempting to stay at one of the inns. The night was bitterly cold and since there were no trees there was nothing to break the wind. Freed set up a barrier around them while Gajeel started a fire, more for light than for warm since the cold couldn't touch them inside Freed's protective barrier. After sharing a light meal of the bread they'd gotten from Hasso's bakery and some jerky, the lot of them settled in for the night. Gajeel didn't bring a bedroll, he didn't really use one even when he did work along. Instead, he stretched out on the cool ground and tucked his arm behind his head, watching the clouds part every so often to reveal the moon.
A shuffling beside him caught his attention and Laxus laid out his roll perpendicular to the Iron Dragon and, without asking, laid down so that his head rested on the raven's chest. Gajeel readjusted so that he could pull one of his arms free and run them through his blonde hair, gently mussing his hair this way and that as he gazed up at the sky. Everyone settled into silence, even Bickslows's totems rested silently around his head. Gajeel glanced down at the Thunder God sleeping at his side, studying his face and determined that the man was probably asleep. He counted his slow, steady breaths, and watched the way his pulse jumped just at the soft of his throat. He looked a far cry from the great mage that Gajeel knew him to be in this restful state. Laying at his side, his guard completely gone, with golden lashes reflecting the dance of the fire at Gajeel's feet, he looked porcelain again… fragile.
He hesitated a moment as his eyes trailed to Laxus's scar. Gently, so as to not stir him, Gajeel let his hand ghost over it. When Laxus didn't move, he did it again, this time tracing the dark line. He let his hand fall down the side of Laxus's cheek and drift down his neck. In his sleep, Laxus shivered from the touch and his breath hitched just before he settled. Gajeel took in a deep breath, suddenly feeling nervous.
How had his life come to this? He remembered being out in the wilds by himself, in the middle of nowhere, before a hit mission. It was so eerily similar with the exception of the people laying alongside him now. In the dark, with only the flickering of the fire to keep him company, his eyes would sometimes play tricks on him as his steeled mind would think of his task the next day. He remembered once he thought he saw the deep red of blood on his hands and it had chilled him at the time. Now, when he held his hand up to the sky for him to observe, it was just that, a hand. And he was no longer alone. The weight of his partner against his ribs was enough to prove that, let alone the faint snores from Bickslow and the sighs from Freed and Evergreen.
But that didn't stop the thoughts from trying to break through the thin surface of his calm.
He went back to running his fingers through Laxus's hair, trying to stave off the sudden burning in his chest. Slowly, he worked his way down again, his fingers lingering just a little too long on his neck. He gritted his teeth as his heart began to sink.
"You've lived on the edge of loopholes for years…"
Gods alive, he didn't deserve this, did he?
"Do you think you're not disposable?"
He didn't deserve Laxus.
"You're more a fucking beast than you are a man…"
He snatched his hand back and clenched his fist. It was coming back to him, wave by wave, and he was sinking into the dark ground beneath him. He couldn't stop the memories from coming, ferocious like tigers trying to rip free of the cages of his mind. He could see again his hands around the neck of the man in his cell… the man who'd known him from Phantom Lord. The rage… the heat… the surge of adrenaline… the taste of iron…
He clenched and unclenched his fists. They were shaking.
Worthless… Weak…
He tried to steady himself and pull his thoughts somewhere else. He pressed his free hand to his forehead as if the action would somehow wipe his mind of his sudden spiral. It didn't work.
Piece of shit…
He'd had brown eyes… dammit he knew those eyes but he couldn't place them. He remembered conjuring his iron scales and the pounding of frantic hands on the door. He'd sunken in his claws, he didn't even hear his screams he was so lost in red, in heat, in fury. He'd lost it… dammit, he'd completely lost it…
Animal… Monster…
He hadn't known at the time what they'd used to take him down but later he'd seen when he'd finally gotten out of the cell: cattle prods, just the thing to keep a beast in check. They'd shocked him in his leg so he'd fall but it didn't keep him from holding onto his prize. When they'd gotten the guy free from his hands he'd ripped the flesh of his throat to ribbons. Dear Mavis, there'd been so much blood… on the ground, the door, his hands… his arms…
Murderer…
A white throat that was suddenly red… white and soft… like white porcelain… soft… soft like Laxus's…
He suddenly felt sick and his chest was full of lead… he was light-headed and he couldn't remember when his breathing had become so frantic. Gods… was he losing it again? What the hell was happening? It was like… like when Bickslow had him under his spell…
A panic attack… you're having a goddamn panic attack…
"Gajeel," the voice was quiet and easy, like silk, and suddenly Laxus was over him with golden eyes melting with alarm, "Oi, what's going on?"
"Shit…" he pushed Laxus away from him and sat up, clutching at his chest, trying desperately to calm down, "I'm fine… I just… I need a minute."
He could see the confusion, the unabashed worry, plastered all across Laxus's face. There was nothing amiss, no reason for him to suddenly be like this. Gajeel clenched his teeth, hating himself even more for his reaction.
Worthless fucking piece of shit…
"Gajeel… breathe," Laxus's voice was patronizingly calm, agitatingly level, like speaking to a child that was acting up. It spiked his blood and he closed his eyes against it, trying not to get even more overwhelmed.
Weakling… a fucking child…
"Gajeel…! You're hurting yourself!" he was trying to keep his voice silent, trying to be considerate and do his best not to wake the others, but Gajeel wasn't listening. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut, his jaw clenched, and his hand, the hand that was gripping at his heart as if to try and calm its frantic beat, was slowly digging sharp nails into his tanned skin, was starting to draw blood, and Laxus was becoming panicked.
"I'm fine," he stated firmly, though his voice shook with a feverish tremor. The smell… the smell of blood an iron… if it could choke him Gajeel would have already been dead. Why did it follow him everywhere? Like an omen of death?
Laxus hates weak mages… and that's all you are… all you'll ever be…
Laxus snapped his hands forward and grabbed Gajeel's forearms, pulling them tightly together away from where he could hurt himself. Gajeel's eyes snapped open, then, and Laxus found only unbridled, frantic rage there. He hated it, he hated being restrained. It reminded him of being tied down, of being helpless…
Laxus dropped his voice to a soothing rumble, trying his damnedest to remain level-headed, "You're not helpless, Gajeel," he loosened his grip, slipped his hands up to interlock fingers, "You're not weak…"
He's a liar. He's just guilty… because he hurt you…
He didn't know how but he laughed, he actually laughed, and it was so bitter that it left a sour taste in his mouth, "But I am… I can't… I can't even… fuck…"
You deserved it. You deserve worse. You should be dead.
"Gajeel, you're not. You're one of the strongest mages I know, remember? I wouldn't lie about that."
You couldn't even jump you fucking coward.
"Gajeel…" Laxus's voice was louder, "You're not listening to me."
"I am… I'm… I'm trying…" he was breathless and he couldn't bring himself to look at him. How could he? He was beyond pathetic, like a child… like a child out in the woods, blubbering and alone… weak… and stupid… and so fucking worthless…
Laxus was reaching, trying to figure out what to say or do to bring him down. It was so hard to tell what was going wrong when he wouldn't speak. But he could tell in the bitter misery that filled the air around him, in the unnerved shaking in Gajeel's arm, the erratic breathing, was that he was so far from ok. But where was he? Was he back with Bianca in the dark? Was it an old memory from Phantom Lord that had done this? Had it been sparked by something he'd done? Or maybe just this place, all of the awful memories were maybe just too much for right now? Awful memories… it always came back to that, didn't it? Gajeel just had too much dark to deal with.
"Oi, delinquent, look at me," Laxus rubbed his thumbs against Gajeel's palms, gaining a silent, defeated glare, "I know yer not fine… I can smell it."
Gajeel didn't say anything, just looked back down. To be honest, Laxus wouldn't have needed to smell it to know at that point. He knew that look and it scared him. He suddenly realized where Gajeel was… he was on the cliff again, ready to jump, and Laxus needed to get him back again. He pulled together as much bravado as he had through his blurry concern.
"Probably shouldn't've taught me to control my dragon senses, eh?" he pressed, trying to sound steady and cool.
"Bad idea, that," Gajeel's voice was still shaking but not as badly and Laxus reveled at the miniscule victory.
"I might have lost my mind by now if you hadn't, though… so… thank you,"
"Ain't nothin' ta thank," he was squeezing Laxus's hands tightly as he spoke, slowly becoming steadier.
"There is though," Laxus pressed gently, "You'd been through hell… and it was my fault…"
"It wasn't yer fault," he breathed, finally dropping Laxus's hands. He slouched over, suddenly very tired as the last of his rattled energy was spent. He was self-destructing again, reaching for the pack of cigarettes he thought Laxus didn't know he had even he'd promised he'd quit. This time his hands were shaking so much that he had trouble striking the match and at his second attempt Laxus relented and reached for the book.
"Not gonna lie, I've always wanted ta do this," he smirked as he struck the match and covering the tiny blaze with his hand. He lifted his eyebrow salaciously as he held the light to Gajeel's cigarette, "Come here often?"
"More often as of late," he answered despondently, not even attempting to have humor. He puffed it a couple of times before taking a deep breath and Laxus was reminded of Hajime. Before he could put the pack away Laxus plucked it out of his hand. Gajeel didn't even object, figuring Laxus was going to throw the rest of them into the fire. What he didn't expect was Laxus pulling one out and handing the rest back to him. He gave him a dubious look, "You uhh… you ever smoked before, Sparky?"
"Nope," he responded easily, not perturbed in the least bit by Gajeel's skepticism.
"…no joints?" he asked hesitantly and Laxus just raised an eyebrow at him in response. He took another drag.
"You… you know how ta light it?"
"Let's hope so. Earthland knows your hands are too shaky to handle it," he smirked, but still he hesitated. Seemly calmer, Gajeel reached forward and took the match from his hands.
"Now… ya don't just breathe it in first go, ya gotta get it going first," he muttered as he struck it and lit the end of the cigarette, "…Mine are top shelf so they're a little smoother but don't make yerself sick takin' too deep a breath."
Laxus eyed it for a second before putting it to his lips and sucking it in. It was bitter but just the slightest bit sweet in his mouth and he thought he caught a hint of mint as it whisked down his throat into his lungs. Laxus wasn't sure what Gajeel meant by smooth because it took everything in him not to immediately sputter it out. He quickly exhaled, quieting his coughs into his fist as he fought to retain the slightest bit of composure. He shook his head and wrinkled his nose, looking up to see Gajeel resting his chin in his free hand as he watched, a dry smile plastered on his face.
"I'm corrupting you."
"Shut up. I've always wanted to try them anyway… stop staring."
"I'm impressed, Sparky," he grinned, "I was sure you'd turn green yer first time."
"Glad to exceed expectations," he took another hit, this time holding the smoke down a little better. He definitely caught the mint that time, "You wanna talk about what happened?"
"No,"
"Think maybe you should anyway?" Laxus forced the smoke out through his teeth as he grimaced, trying not to cough, "I think you owe me… for corrupting me and all."
"Hmph… right…" he chuckled in return, although it didn't meet his eyes, "I guess… I guess I just got in my own head."
Laxus waited patiently as the Iron Dragon wrestled with himself and the image in his mind. He itched at his arm nervously before speaking again, "I, uh… I spoke to Krew earlier… tryin' to get some information. Apparently, they had some guys helping Bianca."
Laxus blinked slowly as what he said sank in, "Do they know…?"
"No, no… they uh… they don't know who killed the guys. They think it was an inside job,"
"Did you recognize any of them? You never mentioned…"
"Yeah, I didn't…" he paused and Laxus noticed his hands were trembling slightly again, "Well… there was one guy. I couldn't remember who he was but I knew his voice… and his eyes…"
Laxus's brow furrowed but he didn't want to press him too hard. Gajeel caught his look, though, and took another steadying puff.
"I'd been there a few days… they'd given me better restraints and had locked me in the cell you found me in. I… I don't know if they sent him in or if… if he did it himself…"
"You don't have to…"
"T's fine… I'm fine," Gajeel muttered, truly trying to convince himself it was true, "He uh… he said he wondered what Jose would have thought if he… if he'd know, that I… that I was just some fucking animal… and I… I lost it…" Gajeel's eyes focused into the distance as he spoke and it chilled Laxus's veins. He listened quietly, eyes and ears attuned to his partner, not wanting him for even a moment to think he'd lost interest or wasn't wanting to hear, "It was like a dream… sort of. I, uh, I remember thinking I was gonna crush his throat, that it was probably the fastest way ta kill 'em… but I didn't. I wanted… to rip him apart… for what he wanted to do to me."
He seemed to snap back to reality for a minute, shakily took a deep pull from his vice, and pulled his eyes to study his boots.
"How do you know what he wanted…?"
"He sorta laid it out for me," he breathed a cloud of smoke into the space between them, trying to settle back down, "They uhh… ahem… they took me down with those things… cattle prods? My Iron Shield was up so you can image that didn't feel that great."
"I bet…" Laxus remembered the surveillance screen when he'd been in Bianca's office, remembered how the blood had alarmed him and she'd been quick to assure him it wasn't Gajeel's, "I saw the aftermath. I was worried it was yours."
"It…?"
"The blood. When she'd brought me down there to try and get to you, she had an office with screens and I could see into your room. It was empty so I thought you might have been dead…"
"Yeah… they didn't exactly want to send anyone in ta clean up after that."
"You never told me…"
"I know, I'm… I'm sorry," he growled, scowling down at his hands, "It's hard, Laxus. I've never been helpless, I've never been weak. It was one thing coming to Fairy Tail and losing everything I had, having to figure out who I was without Kurogane and learn how to let people in… have friends… and right, rightwhen I started ta get comfortable, ta figure out what I was and what I left behind, I ran inta you during a mission and all hell breaks loose…"
Laxus felt like his heart stuttered for a minute but he tried to stay steady.
"Don't… don't take it like that, Sparky, that ain't what I meant," Gajeel sighed, noticing the look in his eyes despite his efforts, "I've never been helpless, Laxus. My whole life I've been the strong one that got stronger. I couldn't help you and I damn well couldn't stopyou…" Gajeel pressed his cigarette to his lips as he spoke, drawing the cherry almost to the filter with his heavy pull, "And then… just when I'm starting to move past that and try to figure out who I am again, she got to me. And she did exactly what she fucking said she would. She broke me… and when that didn't get her the results she wanted she tried to break me in different ways. It wasn't enough to fucking drug me out of my mind, to force blood, to make it so I couldn't move or speak when they did whatever the hell they wanted to me, she had to touch me…"
He pushed what was left of the cigarette butt into the dirt, tried to ignore the trembling in his hands. Laxus just listened in stunned, horrified silence. He'd speculated but he'd never known exactly what had happened. He didn't know why Gajeel chose to just suddenly let it all out but he didn't want him to stop, not if this could help him. He was so tired of seeing Gajeel broken, he desperately wanted to find a way to help him heal… and this, finally getting it out into the open air, this might work.
"How did…? I mean…" Laxus breathed, not knowing really what to say to help, just tried to keep him talking.
"She tried to get me to bite her… I don't really remember a whole helluvah lot about it. I just really hated everything… the way my body wasn't mind anymore an' how I couldn't stop it. Gods alive, I didn't even care anymore. I wanted them to put me under again, or overdose me, or somethingthat wasn't her touching me… and I got pissed. I snapped the restraints and grabbed her. If I had known or maybe if I were just a little more gone I shoulda killed her then, but I didn't. I told her I'd rip out her fucking neck if she told me to bite her again… that's when she got me on the leg."
"Mavis's sakes…"
"Yeah… I actually thought I was gonna die that time, Sparky, I ain't gonna lie..."
Silence fell over them again as Gajeel lit another cigarette. He seemed almost calm again, as if the whole thing had never happened. His hands were no longer shaking and more than anything he just looked tired. The misery in the air was gone. The panic was over. Laxus felt that he could breathe a little bit better.
"You think you're weak, Gajeel… but that's… that's insane," Laxus mumbled, extinguishing his cigarette in the dirt before throwing it to the fire, "…and somehow you lived through it."
"People have gone through worse, Sparky."
"Maybe they have, Gajeel," he snapped, trying to hold down his anger, "That doesn't make what you lived through any less horrific. You didn't deserve that, Gajeel…"
"…sometimes I wonder, Sparky…"
Laxus didn't let him finish, just the start made him see red with rage. He didn't hesitate, he backhanded him. Gajeel's head snapped to the side from the force and the noise seemed to echo off of every flat surface around them. Laxus realized Bickslow wasn't snoring anymore. The gods knew how long he'd been up and eavesdropping but he was past the point of caring. A pang in his heart told him that his reaction was to rash and he should have found a better way but he gritted his teeth against it.
"Gajeel Redfox, you will neversay shit like that again," he seethed, lighting discharging around him as his anger became harder and harder to control, "You. Didn't. Deserve. That."
"…I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize to me," Laxus growled, "You didn't insult me, you didn't wrong me. Don't apologize."
Gajeel didn't answer but he also didn't look at him, he just glared down at his boots again with a look that said he wished he could be anywhere aside from in front of Laxus at that moment and it was for that reason that Laxus tried to reign himself back in. Getting angry, and especially responding explosively, wouldn't do any good. If anything it would only feed the dark thing in Gajeel that so desired to self-destruct. He needed to be better.
"I'm… I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry," he reached forward slowly and brushed black locks out of the way to reveal the red welt quickly forming across Gajeel's cheek, "That was… that was too far."
"I probably deserved it."
"No, you didn't," Laxus emphasized, leaning forward to trace a gentle kiss where he'd left the mark, "I need to control my temper… it just… you have no idea how much it pisses me off when you say things like that."
"It's how I feel."
"But it's wrong," Laxus dropped his voice to a low growl, "You're not weak, you're not helpless. You fucking beat the odds, Gajeel. Anyone else would have gone insane or given up. You didn't have to endure that… that torture. You could have given her what she wanted and then she would have manipulated who knows how many kids… ruined countless lives… and you stopped her. And then, on top of it all, you made sure she could never do it again. Yes, there are consequences to that decision but… I think you caused more good than harm.
"As for your past with Phantom Lord, Gajeel, it ain't gonna be something you work through overnight. You've said so yourself, you're not looking for redemption for what you did, and I don't think you have to. You were as much a prisoner there as you were with Bianca. You can look back and tell yourself there was a better way or that you could have gotten out but it doesn't matter, at the time you didn't see another option. And if you enjoyed some of the jobs? It doesn't matter. You survived, and when Phantom was disbanded you could have gone right back into the life you'd been living but you didn't. You decided to be better. And you can continue to be better. Take the fight to the Phantom Risers, show them who you are and what you've become. You're not the Kurogane that ran the streets under Jose anymore. You're Gajeel Redfox, the Iron Dragon of Fairy Tail, and you're gonna take back what's yours."
Gajeel's face flushed slightly, "Yer startin' ta sound like Natsu."
"Does Natsu know how good you are in bed?"
Red crept down Gajeel's throat and chest, "I don't see what that has to do with…"
Laxus leaned forward and placed a hand on Gajeel's thigh, "Would me singing your praises put you in a better mood, delinquent?"
"Call me delinquent one more time and see what happens,"
Laxus leaned forward and kissed his lips, running his tongue along his lips and shivering when Gajeel sighed in reply. He lifted ebony strands from Gajeel's face and withdrew, eyeing the red mark where he'd slapped him.
"I am sorry… forgive me?" he murmured just as Gajeel gripped his collar and pulled him back down.
"Nah… I'm gonna remember that shit. I think I deserve a free pass for that."
"What? One free slap on the face of your choice?"
"I'll think a' somethin' I'm sure…" he whispered, pulling Laxus close to breath into his ear, "Maybe I'll just rut inta ya until you scream my name."
Simmering heat shuttered down Laxus's spine at that, "You can just ask for that, you know…"
"Dunno… I sorta liked cuffing you."
"I'll think about it…"
"Not allowed. I get a free pass, remember?"
"Hmph," Laxus pressed his lips into Gajeel's neck and worked his way down to his chest and the angry scratches that Gajeel had left just moments earlier, "You really did hurt yourself, delinquent."
"T's not so bad," Gajeel whispered, unable to resist from running his fingers through Laxus's blonde hair, "Doesn't hurt, anyway."
"You tired?"
"Yeah."
"Same here," Laxus nuzzled into Gajeel's chest and inhaled the sweet smell of tobacco and iron. They laid down on Laxus's bedroll together, Laxus with his arms around Gajeel's torso so he could let his head rest on the raven's chest, "I felt you tracing my scar earlier."
"Mnh? Did you not want me to?"
"It was alright… but you're the only person allowed to touch it."
"What an honor."
"You have no idea."
"Well thank you, Thunder God, Laxus. I will treasure your gift always."
"There's the asshole I know and love."