Chapter 25 – The shape of Heaven

His mind was drifting away, some elusive blurry thoughts floating lazily, but they were fast losing their shape becoming more and more only colours less and less distinguishable. The little noises around him, the swish of the water, some drops falling from the tap, were fast losing their contour too, becoming more and more muddled and less and less audible.
Eyes closed he could see the pitch black behind his eyelids. His breathing was so shallow now, it was only a pleasant lullaby accompanying him in the descent.
Then, slowly, everything began to turn off.
Consciousness left him and when it did, it was nothing. It lasted for a bit, surrounding him, but when he was starting to think that this was death, a dreary nothing, he perceived some light. It came up gradually behind his eyelids, getting very bright with every passing instant.
When it became so bright, he could ignore it no longer, he decided to open his eyes to discern the source of it.
He was laying on a white floor, nor cold, nor hot, enfolded in whiteness. He sat up and looked about him and at himself. He was naked, but dry and comfortable, no trace of water or blood. He didn't feel any shivers of cold, nor waves of heat, the temperature was just perfect.
It was the white place. Exactly as he remembered it. The silence so complete it deafened and the white so pure it blinded. There wasn't any strange creature whining this time, he was alone. He stood up undecided on what to do. As he was thinking that he would have liked some clothes, he spotted behind him a white t shirt and some jeans carefully folded on the floor. He was sure they weren't there before but surprisingly; it didn't surprise him. There wasn't any underwear, nor socks, nor shoes. It didn't bother him so much, actually, now that he reflected on it, being alone, he could very easily having done without clothes altogether. It didn't matter that much, but he wore them anyway to have something to do and looked about him again, wondering. There was nothing to be seen.
He took a few steps, everything seemed to stretch forever in the same whiteness. He walked for sometimes randomly, but the landscape didn't change. The only thing barely visible was a thin line separating the floor from… what? Sky? A wall?
He halted. The previous time Dumbledore had appeared talking to him as he had never done before but now there wasn't anybody else beside him.
He felt suddenly a bit lonely and wishing for some company.
And as with the clothes, the wish was barely sprouted, that he saw two tiny spots appearing from far away. As they were getting closer, he perceived that one was taller than the other, they were holding hands.
He smiled because he knew who they were, and he didn't even have the time to realise he wasn't surprised at all, that a joyous shrill echoed all around
'Daddy!'
And his pet was flying in his wide-open arms ready to enfold her. She jumped with enthusiasm in it throwing her childish arms around his neck. He lifted her burying his face in her dark red hair, inhaling at the top of his lungs that characteristic smell of his child that for years he hadn't met anywhere if not in his dreams, and there wasn't that violent emotion that would have marked an encounter of that kind in any other place because they were in the white place now and it was as though he had always known he would have found her there.
He held her tightly savouring that pure, supreme happiness that doesn't disrupt but only make one feel complete and serene. And there was only another person that could make it perfectly so, just another piece missing that was now walking toward him. Holding Lily with one arm, he opened the other to embrace her. She was smiling sweetly and nestled up against him.
'Hi baby, I wasn't expecting you so soon' she said in a whisper while he was kissing her head.
And he knew then that the white place was indeed Heaven. Because Heaven for him, smelled of milk and biscuits, was made of a tinkling shrill of delight, had red hair, freckles and golden almond eyes.
And they were both in his arms.
He held them uncapable to speak, savouring that bliss, that peace after so much sorrow. He finally felt home, where he belonged. Free of torments and fears and insecurities. His mind could finally be at rest, soothed and quietened by the joy of having the two loves of his life, thought to be lost forever, in his arms again.
He kissed them repeatedly unable to stop.
Lily laughed gaily under that rain of kisses 'Your beard is long' she giggled 'It tickles'.
'I'm sorry, my precious' he said. They rubbed noses laughing, and he let her down closing her tiny hand in his own, where it rested perfectly, because there it belonged. Ginny was under his arm close to him. He kissed those soft lips he had dreamt of almost every night since she was gone.
'I love you so much. I missed you so much' he murmured in her ear.
With every step taken, all that whiteness began to mutate, developing slowly. It started colouring with a shade of green. Soon he felt a soft and moist grass under his feet, and trees were visible not far off, bushes with blooming colourful flowers were scattered here and there. The smell of summery dew met his nostrils.
It was perfection.
However, he was only barely aware of what was surrounding him, unable to concentrate his attention on anything else but on Ginny and Lily who was chirping gaily about how happy she was to see him and recounting him how she met grandma, her namesake and how much she liked her.
'You have to meet her one day' she concluded gaily.
'I would love to' he replied thinking about his parents, waiting for him somewhere in what now was this beautiful garden and the possibility of finally getting to know them.
Everybody was waiting for him there; the thought was soothing and cheerful at the same time.
A cherry tree like the one in Ron and Hermione's garden, appeared in front of them and in a shrill of delight Lily was running toward it aiming at the lower branch to grasp the red shiny fruits.
There was a wood bench and he and Ginny sat on it watching her.
He kept her hand in his own and never felt so perfectly at ease as at that moment. Nothing could disturb his happiness now, no worries, no fears to lose them again. They were going to be with him forever.
'We haven't got much time I fear'
Of course…
'Why?' he asked grinning.
'Because it is not your time yet'
'It is. I'm here, don't you see?'
She didn't answer and observed him with a sad expression, then she reached out for his face and caressed his cheek. He kissed that hand and then kissed again those lips trying to cancel that gloom from her face.
When their lips parted, she spoke.
'I've seen you down there. I was very worried.'
'Did you?' he asked surprise by this revelation, he shook his head 'I'm sorry then' he said thinking to all he had done and would have preferred her not to see and with a small smile he added 'If I knew you were watching, I would have behaved better.' And sobering again 'It doesn't matter now anyway. I'm here and this is all it matters.'
'I don't think you are dead yet.' She affirmed staring searchingly at him.
'If I'm not I'll be very soon, I'm not going back, I cannot anyway. If you watched me, you know why, and it has been the best decision taken in years' he said looking at Lily who was now trying to climb the tree.
'No Harry, possibly the worst, you cannot leave our kids alone. You are wrong in thinking they will be better without you. They need you.' She paused a moment looking down and then to Lily who was waving from the top of the lowest branch.
He shook his head smiling 'They don't. They are better off without me'
Ginny stared hard at him for some moment reflecting on his words 'You know' she said in the end 'You have indeed a feeling-guilty-thing. Hermione is right'
Harry burst out laughing 'Did you watch every single tiny little thing?'
'Unfortunately, yes' she replied primly distancing slightly from his side.
He grasped her firmly forcing her back close to him 'I'm sorry' he apologised again kissing her behind the ear 'But if you saw me, you know how distraught I was. I was either sickly kind of punishing every woman because it wasn't you or just pretending it was you. In every case it was always the thought of you, I was always looking for you, I always wished so desperately it was you' he murmured, his forehead against her, brushing lightly his lips on her smooth skin 'And Hermione…' he sighed 'I don't deserve to be called a friend. I've done nothing but hurting her.'
'Hermione is a tough woman. She has always known what she was getting into, but she knows as well that you love her in your way and have no wish to hurt her. She must only learn to be contented of what you can offer her which is anyway deep and intense. What you can do is to help her understand it.'
She paused a moment leaving the time for her sentence to sink in and then continued.
'Our kids though… They need a father.' She gazed at Lily still busy in devouring cherries 'Do you remember when Lupin insisted to accompany you in your research for the Horcrux leaving Tonks behind? Do you remember how did you react to it? Hermione told me of it.'
Harry didn't answer, surprised by her words. He remembered it quite well; he had protested against it quite angrily convinced that a role of a father was to take care of his children no matter what. But thinking it over with an adult mind, it was easier to sympathise with a scared Remulus Lupin convinced his presence was only going to harm the yet unborn child. How difficult it was to follow the advice of his younger self; how many nuances a teenager couldn't comprehend. He stroked her hair gently while she continued
'Sunrise deserves the love of a parent; she would feel the void exactly as you felt it. And you know Albus, you are the centre of his universe and James…' she sighed 'he worries me very much too. He is taking a bad turn. He needs you as much as ever.'
Harry shook his head with a bitter smile 'He doesn't, Ginny. You must have seen what happened. He hates me.' And after a pause looking at the cherry tree 'And he is right. I failed to protect you. I left you alone'.
She took his face in her hands locking his gaze with her own 'It's not your fault. It's not. You have done all what you could and more. You always filled my life and the kids' with happiness and love. Returning back, I would marry you hundred times over despite how it ended, because every minute with you has been worth more than ten years alone'.
She kissed him smoothening his hair.
'And he doesn't hate you. He just needs a strong emotion to bear all what is too overwhelming to bear. You must take some steps toward him before this sentiment start to fester beyond repair. James feels everything too acutely for his own good. He broods and doesn't confide easily. He is very similar to you.'
Harry listened attentively reflecting on her words. Everything made sense and he was willing to take those steps but the look on his face the last time they met, made him doubt whether it was already too late.
However, it sickened him the thought to return to all those struggles and challenges. Did he even have the choice to return? He couldn't help but hope to stay there forever.
He shook his head 'I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you ever again.'
And as he was speaking, the landscape around them changed once more. They were sitting on white fine sand, a warm sun was shining on their skin and in front of them, endless on the horizon, a smooth blue, greenish sea. Behind them stood a white house with a porch where a hammock was hanged, a place similar to the one he had always dreamed about when fantasising about moving with the whole family away.
Lily, seeing the sea, was over the moon, her floating summery dress had transformed in a bright pink swimsuit. She dipped her feet in the water, laughed in delight and run back to them.
'Daddy, do you like my swimsuit?' she asked inspecting it minutely 'It's my favourite' she affirmed in the end proudly.
'You are very pretty' he complimented her 'Come on here' he gestured her to sit on his lap.
He ran his fingers lovingly in her silky hair warmed by the sun and it felt so right to be able to do it once more.
But there was something odd, that sun, that until a second before was shining brightly right on the top of their head, was moving fast now, too fast toward the horizon, the bright light was starting to fade in a sunset.
'Harry, I think you are about to go' Ginny said serious watching the sun about to disappear.
Harry grew alarmed 'No!' he exclaimed.
'Listen to me' she said now eager but calmly 'You are going back, and you'll do your best to be happy. You'll do it for Sunrise as well as for James and Albus. You'll be strong for their sake.'
Harry started to shake his head about to interrupt, the sun was going down and down, projecting long shadow behind them, but she put gently a hand on his mouth and didn't let him.
'You will take care of our kids because they need you. And me and Lily will be here waiting for you when your time will come. We will see each other again'
Harry was speechless, panicking under the threat of going back, but the sun had disappeared under the horizon now, and only some rays of light were colouring the sky that was getting speedily dark.
'I love you' she said as stars were starting to be reflected in her eyes 'Hug the kids for me'
But her voice was starting to be distorted like if coming from afar, she kissed him, but he couldn't see her anymore, there was only the warmth of her lips on his own lingering a moment and then disappear. As a last thing he heard a childish voice coming from very far away 'Goodbye daddy'
And it was all gone. Pitch black.
His eyelids felt very heavy, with a huge effort he opened them and for a faltering relieving moment he thought he was still in the white place. A big blurred white shadow was in front of him. He blinked a couple of times to focus.
It wasn't the white place; it was only Ted frowning and bustling around him. And like remerging from water, his ears started to pick up voices and noises.
'Thank god!' he heard somebody exclaim followed by hysterical sobbing. It was Hermione, all dishevelled, her face all splattered with blood, her arms striated by the same. She was kneeling beside the bathtub crying violently, holding in one hand her wand and with the other clutching his arm, now healed.
He wanted to say something consoling, but his body wasn't responding, he could only blink and even that was hard to accomplish.
He started to shudder, the water had become cold and as he was getting back his senses, he perceived it.
Ted was unscrewing the lid of a red bottle, he pulled it over to his face pouring slowly the content between his parted lips 'Swallow it' he ordered, and as most of the content was sliding on his chin, he entreated 'Come on Harry, swallow it!'.
He gulped a drop of that warm ferrous tasting liquid and Ted kept on pouring, and he kept on gulping down, until the bottle was empty.
The effort of drinking drained in him all energies and when Ted took away the now empty bottle, Harry closed his eyes exhausted, drifting straight away into nothingness again. It wasn't the same nothingness though, not the nothingness of slipping in death.
He was simply slipping in a deep slumber.

Note: Christmas time break coming up. I'll go back publishing the 12th of January. Merry Christmas to everyone.