It's moments like this that Jay feels like the worst human being, the worst boyfriend because she's crying because of him. He's not worth her tears; he's not worth the heartbreak yet here they are and here she is crying over him. Ever since she found out about his one-night stand, life hasn't been simple, it hasn't been easy and between being at work and being at home, it felt like he never got a break, he never gets a day off. If he's not at work investigating crimes then he's here consoling Abby and trying to mend her broken heart.

He feels responsible for it. It is his fault that it's broken in the first place.

Jay hears her sniffles; he knows that she's trying to hold in her tears as he puts dinner away. He knows that she's taking in deep breaths and releasing them slowly in an effort to control her emotions but it doesn't work. It never works. He doesn't even know why she bothers.

"Do you need help?"

"I got it," he sealed the Tupperware lid down onto the plastic bowl before sliding it into the refrigerator next to the last plastic container he just put inside, "Are you feeling better? You kind of just lost it during dinner." He could have phrased it better but he didn't know what was wrong. He had gotten home from work, she made dinner and while the two of them were eating together, she would sporadically break out into tears and he didn't need to know why because he already knew the reason. It was him, or more specifically, it was what he did weeks ago. He looks over his shoulder when she doesn't answer, "Do you want to talk about it?" And that seems to do the trick; that seems to draw a response out of her.

His words seem to have broken the dam. All her effort to hold in her cries was for nothing because the dam just broke. Jay heard the sob overcome her, saw her face completely crumple, could feel the trembling of her body shake the floor as she dropped to her knees. He was speechless, absolutely gutted and shocked at the sight before him because he was a little caught off guard and she didn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve to feel this way; he shouldn't have made her cry, whether intentional or not, he still made her cry and there was nothing he could do to take the words back, "Hey, hey," he rushes over to her, kneeling down to the floor beside her, "I'm sorry, it's okay. We're okay." He may not be in love with her, he may not care for her as much as she cares for him, but that doesn't mean he wants to see her hurting, it doesn't mean that he likes to see her cry, "Abs, I'm really sorry. I don't know what's going on with me," he honestly admits, and he finds himself surprised that he's even opening up to her about anything regarding his feelings, "I'm just all over the place. Moving here was supposed to be my big break, my chance to start over and now it just feels like I'm back in Wisconsin."

"If your job doesn't make you happy then you should leave it," she murmurs, tears suddenly stopping and the traces of tears on her cheeks now drying, "We can go back to Wisconsin or we can go somewhere else and start all over again."

He knows she doesn't fully trust him. But he knows her too well; she's only suggesting this because that lack of trust has implanted itself into her head and convinced her that he's still seeing his one-night stand. It's called a one-night stand for a reason but that's not enough for Abby.

"I committed to Chicago; I'm determined to see it through. I refuse to move back and have to look my dad and brother in the eyes and admit that I messed up. I can't do that."

It's not the job that's the problem. It's not easy because of the workload and the pressure of his boss but he never expected it to be easy. He just thought starting over was going to be his solo mission; he left Wisconsin to get away from his family and her. Even though he couldn't find it in him to break up with her before he moved, he was kind of hoping that she would be the brave one and break things off, but it seems that no matter how many reasons he gives her to end things, it only makes her want to hold on longer.

Jay saw her eyes watering up again, forcing him to reach out and move his hand across her back, rubbing comforting circles into the wrinkled fabric of her tank top. She leaned forward and dropped her head, letting it rest in the dip between his shoulder and collarbone before proceeding to start crying again. A wet patch was starting to gather on his shirt but Jay didn't pay attention to it; he just wanted Abby to stop crying, more so because it was making him feel uncomfortable.

That sounds pretty selfish but it's the truth.

He hugs her, hoping that it'll do the trick. It doesn't work though, not right away at least; she wraps her own arms around him, lifting her hand to cup the back of his head and hold him close. It's been few and far in between intimate moments between the two of them, she's complained about it more than him, but he hopes this is enough. He tightens his arms around her. An hour may have passed, they were in the embrace for so long, and he felt relieved when the tears stop rolling, followed by her body stop trembling, "How are you feeling now?"

"I think I've cried myself into exhaustion. I feel pretty tired."

Jay sighed, his legs were starting to cramp from holding such an uncomfortable position for so long, but he didn't let go, not until she was ready. He wasn't completely heartless. He does care about her, "You should get some sleep then. You haven't been sleeping much lately and it's been keeping both of us awake." All her tossing and turning, her paranoia and her asking the same questions about the one-night stand that he's already answered many times in the last couple of weeks were keeping her up and unfortunately, it's been keeping him up too. But, she can always take a nap in the middle of the day if she gets too tired; he has to work so he doesn't have the same opportunity that she has to catch up on missed sleep.

"I'm sorry. I'm not doing it on purpose."

"It's pretty late. We both should get some sleep."

"I think you're right," she sits back, pulling herself out of the hug before wiping her eyes with the bottom of the palm of her hand, "We should go to bed."

"I uh," he raises his hand to scratch the back of his head because he's suddenly nervous that his next words will make her start crying again, "I'm going to just grab a pillow and a blanket from the room and sleep on the couch," and before she can open her mouth to refute or question his decision, he gives her an explanation, "it's just…I have to be up early for work tomorrow and you don't so to make sure your tossing and turning won't keep me up, I'll just stay out here."

"…but," she prepares to argue but he cuts her off.

"I could have stayed in the room if we still had an air mattress."

And that seems to shut her up. He's not sleeping on the floor when they have a perfectly good couch in the living room that hardly gets used much. And she threw out the air mattress because it was a constant reminder of what he did. A large part of him is happy that he didn't have a bed at the time because he couldn't afford to throw out a perfectly good and comfortable mattress.

Jay rose to his feet and then offered her his hand to help her up before leading her into the bedroom. He may have his toxic traits but he is charming and he does have many redeeming qualities. He pulls the covers back and guides for her to crawl in, "I do hope you find comfort in knowing that when you checked my phone again," she seems shocked that he caught on, "you found nothing. You will always find nothing because there's nothing to find. There's nothing going on. And it's only so long that I can take this. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"I don't do it as much as I used to before you called me out on it. I cut back. I'm trying. That should count for something." He doesn't feel like arguing. He honestly doesn't have the energy and he has to be up in a few hours so to keep the peace, he nods and says, "Just keep cutting back and cutting back until you don't feel the need to do it anymore, until my word is enough and you don't need to snoop and check to see if I'm telling the truth. I'm trying to be patient with you. I'm trying to be nice because I did fuck up big time but something has got to give Abby. I can't keep living under your microscope like I'm some type of criminal."

She nods, but a part of him is still on guard, not knowing if he can truly believe her.

He will admit that she doesn't sneak and check his phone as often but because she hardly does it anymore, it has left her filled with doubt and paranoia which plays a big part in why she hasn't been sleeping these last few days. She tosses and turns and it wakes him up at night. She says it's because of nightmares, of visions of the two of them together, but she's never seen her yet Abby visualizes a different woman every time her eyes close. She lays the guilt on pretty thick and he always ends up apologizing despite her telling him that he has no reason to say sorry because it's her fault, not his. It is his fault though. It's more his fault than the other woman. Jay grabs a pillow and then goes to grab a spare sheet and a blanket before shutting the bedroom door behind him.

Jay spreads the sheet out on the couch and then lays the pillow down before adding the blanket. The new curtains Abby had bought for the balcony door were opened and if he doesn't want the bright moonlight to keep him awake, he knows he needs to close them before he gets comfortable.

His bare feet pad on over to the door, ensuring it's locked even though he doubts someone can break in through the balcony when he's not on the ground floor. He grabs one end of the curtain and before he pulls, he looks up at the moon, remembering how similar the moon looked on that night weeks ago, remembering how it gave her body the perfect light, a beautiful halo of a glow, he remembers the two of them out there, on the balcony, having sex and he can't help but to wonder what she's doing right now at this moment.

Lost in his thoughts he doesn't even feel the essence of time pass by him at such a fast rate. He can remember every detail, from her head to her toes, from the way she felt kissing him to the way he felt inside of her. He can remember the sound of her voice, how it's raspy in nature, he can picture her height, that without her heels she stopped right below his chin. She definitely left a lasting impression in his memory, a tattoo on his brain. And he wonders, if he left the same. As he looks up at the moon, eyes glistened over for staring so long without blinking, he remembers that night like it happened yesterday. It was Abby's birthday, of all the times to do something like this, to cheat, it was on his girlfriend's birthday and that thought alone broke him out of his reverie and forced him to swallow the dry bulge presenting itself in his throat.

He looked over his shoulder, eyes focused on the closed bedroom door, and before he ventured over to it, he shut the curtains, casting the living room in absolute darkness.

"Jay," he hears her whisper as the door creaks open.

"Hey Abs, I was just about to come peek in on you to see if you were asleep."

"I was getting close," she says, walking out of the room with the comforter wrapped around her shoulders, "but I got thirsty. I was going to be extra quiet but then I saw you still awake."

"Don't let me stop you from quenching your thirst," he smiles, nodding towards the kitchen as he carried himself over to the couch, pulling the blanket back and lying down before pulling it up to his shoulders, "I'll probably be asleep in the next few seconds anyway."

Instead of going into the kitchen, she comes into the living room, dragging her feet and hanging her head low, "Um," his eyes were closed yet she started talking as if she didn't know he was about to go to sleep, "Can I ask you a question?"

He doesn't reopen his eyes, "Yeah, ask away." He refuses to reopen them because he was so close to sleep, he could feel it coming, it's only inches away.

"That night," she starts and he knows exactly which night she's referring to, "when you had sex with her," she clarifies as if he doesn't know, "did you think of me at all?"

Now he opens them, sits up and turns slightly to face her, "I thought of you when I went to the bar."

"…but what about when you were with her with her? Did you think of me then?"

"Are you asking me if I thought of you while in the middle of having sex with someone else?" She nods.

He scratches the back of his head, pretty rough, because there's no good answer to that question so instead he sticks with honesty, "No, I didn't Abs," he has the guts to answer truthfully while looking into her eyes, but the darkness in the room does help mask her expression.

"Why not?"

"I was kind of busy at the moment."

He wants her to stop asking questions because he knows her, he knows how easily upset she gets and it's too late to have this conversation.

"You were busy having sex."

That had to be a rhetorical question because she knew the answer to that so Jay didn't provide one.

"I thought about it afterwards," he says as if that would make a difference.

"…but your hormones were just raging so high that you couldn't think of me enough to not do it, you couldn't keep it in your pants or in your hand, you had to just stick it in the first thing that gave you attention. You are a cheater, Jay," she retorts, hands on her hips and consequentially dropping the comforter, "and I'm slowly working on getting over that. You cheated on me and you couldn't think of me, you didn't care about me enough to put a stop to it. Since we've been together I've never slept with or even looked in another man's direction but the second you move away, you already have another woman in your bed. Do I mean that little to you? Am I not worth your fidelity, your love? I honestly don't get it Jay, I don't get how it could have been so easy for you to fuck another woman," she doesn't curse much but her anger is growing at a rapid rate and she couldn't bite back the word, "I know you don't have any identifying information about her but a part of me wishes you did," and that surprises him, "because I just want to talk to her, I want closure."

He lets her speak. He lets her rant. He hopes that since she's doing this before bed it'll help her actually sleep through the night. That's what he tells himself, that's what helps him even continue to entertain the conversation in the first place.

Abby takes a seat on the arm of the couch and waits patiently for him to say something, "I don't see how talking to her would give you closure."

"I just want to look into her eyes and see how a respectable woman, if she's that, can sleep with a man in a committed relationship."

"She didn't know."

"…she should have."

"How would she have any way of knowing that I was in a relationship if I never told her?"

"Look at you," she exclaims, flinging her arm in his direction, "why would you be single?"

This is a serious conversation but he couldn't help but to smile at her words. She was complimenting him in the midst of ranting about a woman who doesn't even know Abby exists.

"None of this is funny Jay."

"You're right, it's not funny, it's not funny at all," he clears his throat and nods, "but Abby I honestly want to know what the next step is because it feels like we're going in circles. We're fine one day and then the next we have a repeat of what's happening right now. Do you want to take another break in the relationship so you can work on yourself and re-evaluate if you even want to be together? Do you just want to break up for good? Tell me what do you want out of this."

"I want to be with you. I love you," she affirms, "but I also want you to love me. I want it all with you one day, Jay, because you're it for me. You're the one for me and I don't want to rush us but I want the house with the white picket fence and the wedding and the children. I want all of that with you and to get that I have to work through this which I am determined to do."

"Abby, it has to be genuine. You can't force this. You can't force yourself."

"It is genuine because I love you. The love I have for you is real and once I work on moving past your transgressions then we can start building us. We can grow together and if that ends in marriage and children then everything we've been through will have been worth it in the end."

"What if I don't want marriage and children?"

"…Jay."

"Abby, you knew in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't interested in having kids. I left the possibility of marriage open, I said maybe if I fell in love, but having kids, I'm really not the paternal type and this shouldn't be news to you. I've told you this before…"

"I just figured you might become open to it like you've become open to marriage."

"I doubt it."

"I love you and when you finally love me too then you'll change your mind. I'm sure of it. You'll see."

"I can't force myself to love you Abigail," he sighs in frustration; he's desperately curious to know the time because with every second that passes is another second that he isn't asleep, "but maybe with time it'll happen…or maybe it won't. I don't know what the future holds but right now the cards are in your hand, how do you want to play them?"

"…baby steps," she answers. More so for his benefit. She knows him; she knows enough to know that's what he needs.

And he's not exactly sure what she means by that, "I need a little clarification."

"…maybe once a week we have date night, we do something fun and we talk and most importantly we share the things that are bothering us."

If agreeing to that means that he can go to sleep then he'd be happy to oblige, so with the slow nod of his head and a whisper of, "okay," he sends her on her way, watching as she disappears to the kitchen to get something to drink before venturing back into the bedroom. And once the door softly shuts behind her, he lays back down, sighing in relief the second his face hits the pillow and immediately falls asleep as the sounds of his snores fill his apartment and the visions of her invade his dreams. It's his only break from reality and he's going to enjoy it.