Laundry scattered around on the floor, sink filled with dishes and toys spread out in every room was how she left her apartment, yet when she came home this morning, her place was spotless. All that was left out of place was Jay Halstead, sitting on her couch in the living room, patting Milo's head as it rests on his lap. She stands in amazement, in appreciation at the fact that Jay surprised her by cleaning up her home. She's at a loss for words, taking the baby out of the stroller and carrying her over to hand off to her dad, "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. I figured it's the least I could do," he shrugs it off as he slides the baby from her grasp. She takes a seat next to him, and then once again takes in her apartment.
"I think it's cleaner today than it was when I moved in."
"I don't expect it to stay this tidy so no pressure on that but since I'm staying over tonight, I figured I'd show you some appreciation," it'll be his first night at Erin's place. He dropped by before work to straighten up and get the guestroom ready for him and then after work, she is to bring Emma over to his place to pick him up and to allow Abby to meet the baby for the first time.
It will be a busy day today. A day that he wishes he could get over with and forward. Jay leaned back on the couch, practically exhausted as he gears up to head into work. He technically was supposed to have the day off but they got called in to assist on a case. He doesn't know the details for it which tells him it must be confidential and important. His daughter sits cushioned on his lap, and he leans his head back and shuts his eyes, "I took a short nap in the guestroom and that bed is so comfortable," he's looking forward to sleeping in it tonight, "I feel like it was specifically made just for me," his head remains resting on the back of the couch, he simply turns it to the side to look at her, "it's going to be hard sleeping in my bed again after being on that mattress."
"My mom said the same thing when she stayed over."
"Your mom has great taste."
"…maybe some of the time."
Emma, unaware of the adult conversation happening around her, attempts to stuff her fist in her mouth and Erin finds some type of humor about it so she pulls out her phone to record her daughter slobbering all over her fist. She cuts the recording off just as Emma starts to fret, obviously hungry and feeling unsatisfied by the taste of her hand. She relinquishes the baby from Jay, rests her comfortably in her arms and off muscle memory, she pops out her breast, Emma clutches her shirt and latches on, helping herself to a healthy supply of milk.
"How was breakfast?" His eyes remain closed as he asks. It's of no big deal that she's breast feeding, she used to be more self-conscious and he'd been more awkward, but neither of them felt an ounce of any of that. She was relaxed, and he was comfortable.
"It was so good, we really got to catch up, they met the baby and I think one of my coworkers is having baby fever now," Erin ends her words with a chuckle, "mind you she already has six kids and she says one more wouldn't hurt and I'm thinking, yes the hell it will. Can you imagine Jay?"
"I can't," that causes for him to open his eyes and lift his head, "six kids, whew."
"Right," Erin whispers, as she still tries to process it, "more power to her, but I just couldn't."
"Do you want more though? Not six obviously, but do you want more than one?"
"Before Emma, it would have been a hard no, but now that she's here, the labor and the body changes were worth it so maybe one or two more wouldn't be so bad. I loved having a sibling growing up, I'd like for Emma to have that too. What about you?"
"You know I never saw myself as a dad, but Emma's been a change I needed. I wouldn't change her for anything, I wouldn't change anything that happened either because it might result in this changing and I can't have that," Jay smiles and Erin matches it, although she does notice that he had not answered her question. And maybe it's because he doesn't want more kids, but she wouldn't have been mad if he said that, she'd understand, especially if the implication is to have them with Abby, but he doesn't answer it at all. He just checks the time and realizes he has to go.
Jay pulls his keys from his pockets, leans forward to kiss the baby's cheek before turning to her mother and kissing hers, "Thanks for letting me do this," he squeezes her thigh.
"Thanks for wanting to do this." Her free hand reaches out for his, she intertwines her fingers with his and squeezes, "text me when you're ready for me to come pick you up."
"Okay, see you guys later," he waves, double checks the time again and then he's out, leaving the mother of his daughter seeping further into the couch to reflect on what the hell just happened.
It's still early, Kim is supposed to be coming over later, so she figures in the meantime, she'd go down for a nap, if only Emma will agree and go down for one with her. Fortunately, Emma is not resistant and she's out once her belly is full and she's burped. Erin rises to her feet, pats her thigh and commands, "Come on Milo, let's take a nap," her dog hops off the couch and beats her to the bedroom. Emma goes in the bassinet; Milo goes to the edge of the bed and Erin climbs under her covers on the side of the bed closest to the baby. Her eyes drift shut just as her alarm is set and an hour later when it goes off, she's quick to turn it off before it wakes the baby. She's up, despite the want to go back to sleep, but Kim will be over soon and she doesn't want to sleep through her knock. Still, that doesn't stop Erin from rolling over and laying in her bed for another 30 minutes.
And when another hour passes and a knock on the door, done to the rhythm of whatever song Kim was probably listening to in the car, Erin finally throws her blanket off and slides her bare feet to the door. Emma remains asleep in her bassinet, and because the baby hasn't budged, neither has her new bestie, Milo. He's usually at her feet, he usually beats her to the door, but the tired pup didn't even bother to lift his head to even acknowledge that someone knocked.
She gets to the door, resting her flat palms against it in order to check the peephole. And seconds later, she begrudgingly swings the door open, frown lines cemented in her forehead, "You're late."
"Sorry," Kim comes rushing inside, obviously in search of her niece, "I got caught up in the shower rehearsing a fake argument." The truth in her response has Erin rolling her eyes and laughing despite the fact that she's still annoyed over setting an alarm for her friend's arrival only for her to be over an hour behind schedule. She could have slept longer.
"Before you even ask, she's asleep."
Kim pouts, obviously disappointed that the baby is down for one of her many early afternoon naps.
"I mean, it's not as good as Emma's, but my company is available."
"You know I came for your company."
Erin flops down next to her, "I couldn't tell."
"I hope you're not jealous of a baby Erin," Kim smiled diabolically, wrapping her arm around her friend's shoulder and pulling her in, "you know you'll always have my heart."
"Oh please," Erin swats her away, rolling her eyes, "I'm far from jealous. If anyone should be jealous, it's you. I think Milo is the runner up in Ems life of most valued people."
"Milo's a dog though, he's not people."
"Shush," Erin clamped her hand over her friend's mouth, silencing her, "he's just in the other room. He's asleep, but he can still hear you, dog has supersonic hearing, especially when his name is involved and what I won't tolerate is Milo disrespect, not in his house."
Kim swats Erin's hand away, shooing her to the other end of the couch, before sitting back and looking over her shoulder to see Milo come walking into the living room. He heads over to the stuffed octopus, bypassing his bed, and finds comfort and cushion on one of the purple tentacles.
"I swear that thing is hideous," Kim remarks, face scrunching together in repulse.
"Why'd you have to bring attention to it? I try to ignore it."
"There's no way to ignore a purple octopus with crooked eyes!"
"You start to get used to it, honestly."
"Just don't let her give Emma any more presents like that."
"It'd be over my dead body."
"That's my girl," Kim high fives her, "but speaking of her, how are you feeling about tonight?"
"I want to cancel. I don't want to do this. I wish I can get out of it. I don't see the point in doing any of this," Erin rambles off, "I thought about faking sick but Jay literally saw me this morning."
"I hate to say this Er, especially as your voice of reason-"
"If you're my voice of reason, I'm in big fucking trouble."
"I'm going to pretend like I'm not insulted," Kim quips, rolling her eyes before getting back on the subject at hand, "but anyway, I hate to say this, but it needs to be said, she's been in his life way longer than you have and considering that she's his girlfriend-"
Erin cringes, "Can you not call her that?"
"…okay," Kim takes the feedback and alters it, "considering she is whatever the hell she is to him," Erin chuckles at the revision, "wouldn't it be reasonable for Emma to meet her? Kids meet their parents' significant others all the time, maybe it's because you guys got some weird thing going on, but unless Abby poses a danger to Emma, I don't see why she can't meet her."
Erin pushes herself up to her feet, choosing to use this pent-up frustration to pace, "So, I have to wait for Abby to do some fucked up shit around my daughter to make sure she doesn't do fucked up shit around my daughter?" Erin doesn't think her friend understands. They are alike in many ways but one of the biggest differences rests in Erin's motherhood and Kim's lack of it. Kim takes the silence as feedback, assuming her point had gotten across, she wiggles further into the couch cushions, burying herself behind some of the throw pillows. She distracts herself with her phone as Erin sits in silence, processing their conversation, formulating worse case and best-case scenarios to pass the time as she over thinks. She's worried, and who could blame her, especially considering her history with Abby, but Erin tries to remember that just because she and Abby do not get along does not mean that Abby and Emma won't get along either.
Kim accidently taps on an ad and it takes her immediately to the app store. She sighs out loud, frustrated, before exiting out of it all and putting her phone down, "Is she awake yet?"
"Nope," Erin answers popping the p, "and you're not going to wake her either."
"You were supposed to make sure she's up when I got here."
"It's not my fault you showed up late." Erin sits back down. She pulls her legs onto the couch, crisscrossing them, as her head leans to the side and rests on Kim's shoulder.
And Kim leans her own head on Erin's, "So, what should we do? What should we talk about?"
A silence covers them as Erin stares down at the dark scar on her wrist, knowing that it's one on her waist that's bigger, longer and darker than the one embedded there. She opened up to Jay about it, but she's only brushed the surface with everyone else. Her closest friend should know, her longest, most supportive person in this world has a right to know. So that gives her an answer.
"I don't think I've ever told you everything."
Initially Kim doesn't know what she's talking about until she sees Erin trace the scar on her wrist, "I know you haven't told me everything." There's no judgment in her response, there's no pressure either, she's never wanted Erin to feel forced to disclose details of such a traumatic experience.
Erin gives a sad smirk, and Kim starts to question why she's even brought this topic up anyway but she stays quiet, not wanting to ruin the opportunity to learn.
"Eric most likely had something to do with the break-in."
Kim lifts her head, "That rat bastard, I swear I didn't know that I could hate him more than I do now! Ugh, he better not think to ever show his face around me because-"
"Kim, it's okay-" Erin interrupts.
"No, it's not! It's not okay!" Now Kim is sitting completely up.
"Okay that came out wrong," Erin sets her hands down on her thighs, "I know it's not okay, but I'm saying hating him isn't going to get us anywhere. Trust me. I've hated him long enough."
"Hating him might not help but it doesn't hurt either," Kim argues.
"Yes, it does, trust me on this, it hurts, it's a burden to carry that feeling. You don't deserve that, especially because he hasn't even done anything to you."
"…but he's done something to you, that's enough!"
"It's no point in hating him or anyone for that matter Kim, it'll eat you up inside. I hated him long enough for the both of us, it took therapy to get past that, to start the process of forgiveness."
Kim scoffs upon hearing that, "You forgave him for what he did?"
"I started the process of forgiving him," Erin admits, leaning forward to grab the baby monitor to watch Emma sleep inside of her bassinet, it's calming for her, "forgiveness isn't forgetting how he wronged me, or pretending like nothing happened, or continuing the relationship or even excusing what he did. It's not for him at all. It's for me, it's an opportunity for me to heal, to let go of the anger, the resentment I felt for him. When I hated him, it swallowed me up, it was all I could think about, it took up so much of my energy. It's a place I never want to go to again."
"You forgive him, so what does that mean?"
"For me, it just means I don't care about him. If he does good, good for him, if he does bad, also good for him. I don't care. I don't have the energy to care. He's in New York, I'm in Illinois, we're miles and miles apart and I never have to see or hear his voice again. I'm better than good."
Kim takes a seat on the coffee table in front of the couch. Her hands clasp together over her legs and when Erin uncrosses her legs, their knees press together. She waits patiently for Erin to meet her gaze and when she does, she can see her orbs reflect the truth her words just spoken. She didn't just say she forgave him to appease Kim, to make her feel better, to act as if it was water under the bridge, she said it because she meant it, because she spent years actively not forgiving him and doing everything in her power to hold a grudge. She's moved on, both in the essence of driving to move states away and in the way she's opening herself up to Jay, a man that is currently taken.
"I'm happy to hear that Er, I truly am," Kim gives her a kind smile and gives her knee a squeeze in support, "we got off subject for a bit, I'm sorry, you said most likely, you don't know for sure?"
"I broke up with him a week before the break in. The police never had enough evidence to connect him to it but they think he either paid those guys to destroy my place, to rough me up, to get back at me for breaking up with him so I would come running back to him, begging for him to give me another chance even though I'm the one that ended things, he practically hero syndromed it which if that was the case, it worked, I wanted him back, I wanted that sense of protection and security because in my mind, that would have never happened if he were there, if we were still dating. The other theory they had that they could never prove was they did all of that to get back at him for some reason, but I think it was more likely the first reason, if you knew him like I did, you'd know that sounds something like him. He craves glory; he attempts to dominate and control a situation, being the savior feeds that ego of his and then he'll switch over to being the victim, evading all accountability by relying on some past hardship to excuse any and all current wrongdoing. I never saw it then but it's clear as ever to me now; everyone's faults went off like a radar to him but his own. He'd always use his past struggles and traumas to justify hurting me in the present which would only license him to do whatever he wanted and treat me however he wanted. Eric comes first in Eric's life and Eric wants to be first in everyone else's life too. Once I got the courage to leave, I left and never looked back. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself."
"I know you said I shouldn't, but I do, I hate him. I'm sorry Erin but I do."
"I can't change that, but just remember it's not worth it because he's not worth it."
"So, if he ever came back?"
"I think I can face him; I won't know for sure of course and I'm not seeking him out to test that theory but enough time has gone by and I'm hoping that means I can stand up to him."
"Has he ever" Kim stalls in an effort to word her question the right way, "hit you?"
Erin shakes her head, "No, which is why I think I stayed for as long as I did. It's also why I gave him chance after chance. He never laid a finger on me to hurt me which is why I never saw our relationship as toxic or abusive. I had an image of what abuse looks like and he wasn't it."
Another silence passes, this one longer than the last. And when Emma can be heard crying through the baby monitor, offering a change of subject, a reminder of a semblance of peace, Kim squeezes her friend's knee, thanks her for trusting her with that before giving Erin an extended break and going to retrieve the baby. Kim could be heard greeting Emma, cooing in baby talk as Erin could only assume Emma rewarded her with a gummy smile when Kim's echoed, "yes!" reverberates through the apartment. Erin smiles, appreciating the distraction, as she pushes herself up to her feet and meets two of her favorite people in her bedroom.
"So, she meets Abby tonight," Kim raises Emma up into the air and brings her down to press a smooch against her cheek, "what's the plan for that?"
"It's a part of why I wanted you to come over here. We need a game plan."
Kim raises her up again and then lowers the baby back down for another smooch, "She's just meeting the girlfriend Erin, she's not going on a special ops mission."
"The game plan isn't for her, it's for me! It's no secret that I don't like Abby, how am I supposed to pretend I do long enough for her to meet and make silly eyes and kissy faces at my baby?"
Kim pauses, holding Emma up midair until her arms grow tired then she draws her arms and the baby into her chest. She thinks to herself as she moves one of her hands to gently massage the back of the baby's head, "You know you can't avoid this forever, it's better to get it over with now rather than later. When you get over there, focus on Emma, focus on Jay, focus on everyone but Abby. Think about what you're going to have for dinner," Erin rolls her eyes at that, "think about the fact that it'll be Jay's first night at your place and he's already made himself acquainted with the guestroom. What I'm trying to say is, instead of focusing on what you're not looking forward to, focus on what you are." And that piece of advice was needed, it mentally played on repeat in her head, long after Kim left, long into she and Emma getting ready and long into getting in the car and taking the longest route possible to get from her place to Jay's apartment.
"You can do this Erin; you have everything under control. It's just a simple meet and greet," she gives herself a much-needed pep talk in third person, "Emma is happy; she's healthy, focus on what matters, focus on what's important. Focus on the fact that this isn't happening without you."
Erin had not been in his neighborhood since the night Emma was conceived. She barely recognized her surroundings. Nothing looked familiar, which is not surprising considering when she came, she was high on lust and infatuation. Erin listens to her GPS, telling her the apartment complex is a little over one hundred feet forward towards her left. She lowers the music in her car so she can see better and when she pulls up and is notified that she reached her destination, she pulls into a spot that is not marked reserved. She parks, she cuts off her car and she throw her head back.
It's quiet in the backseat, she can only assume Emma is asleep, that is until she gets out, sets up the stroller and hooks the baby's car seat up to its base and sees the wide-open green eyes of her cub. With Emma a few days shy of being four weeks old, an entire full month, she has started sleeping in spurts and being awake for more hours, being just as alert and becoming aware of her surroundings. It might be tripping up Erin's routine a bit, but she's slowly adapting. It feels as if the baby is putting mama on a sleep schedule and not the other way around. She needs her phone, she needs a last-minute pep talk, so it forces her to maneuver around, pushing the stroller onto the sidewalk and shuffling the diaper bag around her torso so she can grab her cell from the pocket.
"Is it over? Is it done? How was it? How are you feeling? Do I need to go talk to Abby? How's Little E, she didn't break out in hives from Abby touching her did she?" Kim rambles off.
"I'm just walking into the building. Nothing has happened yet."
"Oh," Kim deflates, a bit confused as to why she was called, "what's wrong then? Not that I don't want the call or to hear your voice but what's the reason for it?"
"Do you ever feel pre-annoyed?" Erin whispers into her phone as it rests between her ear and her shoulder, "Like you already know something or someone is going to piss you the hell off," she elaborates, "like you already know it's coming? I feel like that now." She paces in the lobby, breathing heavily because she's nervous and Kim honestly doesn't have the words to cheer her up.
"I wish I can reassure you more, but the only way you're going to feel better about this is to just get it out the way. Like ripping off a bandage, the faster the better… You're a really good mom Erin," Kim compliments, "you got this, trust yourself, trust your instincts."
Erin stops stalling, especially when a long silence passes between them on the phone. She looks down at the baby, she's holding her feet, one sock off, resting somewhere to the side of her cushioned seat. Erin admires the peace in her daughter's expression, unbeknownst to her that her mother is feeling existential doom right now. Emma releases her foot and her bottom lip puckers and quivers, forcing Erin's instincts to kick in. Before setting off for the elevator, she grabs the pacifier clipped to the baby's onesie, "Here you go baby," Emma is immediately soothed.
It's amazing all that can change in three and a half weeks. Emma is starting to lift her head during tummy time, it may be for less than a second but to Erin it still counts. And in that amount of time, Erin is starting to pick up on Emma's cries, her almost four-week-old baby has taught her more in the last few weeks than all the books she's read during her pregnancy.
Enough stalling, she mentally tells herself again as she steps into the elevator.
Erin shifts her weight from one foot to the other. She chews on her bottom lip as she stares at her baby in the stroller. It's obvious she's nervous, anybody could tell, probably even the stranger that stood beside her in the elevator. Her body language is stiff and if her heart beats any harder or any faster, it may just fall out of her chest. She sways slightly where she is standing in front of his door, peering back down at the baby, fidgeting with the soft blanket covering her legs to stall. She should knock, she should be inside right now, she should be introducing Emma to Abby but she cannot bring herself to do it. She notices Em's pacifier had fallen out of her mouth and it takes Erin no time at all to put it back in. Her daughter is so patient, which makes sense considering she probably has no idea about what's going on, but that doesn't soothe her mama at all.
Erin goes back to fidgeting with her daughter's blanket and then moves to her daughter's socks, adjusting them to ensure they were on right. They were; they didn't have a reason not to be. She needs to get it out the way, the sooner, the better for everyone involved but that doesn't explain why she can't bring herself to knock on the freaking door. Erin fidgets with her hair, then her clothes then the handle of the stroller by pushing it forward and backward, moving it slowly in an effort to rock the baby to sleep. If she's asleep then that's a reason why Abby couldn't hold her yet Emma is already rebelling against her mama by staying wide awake. She's beginning to run out of stalling time, she was already supposed to be here ten minutes ago, and a part of her is surprised Jay hadn't called her yet. Erin glances side to side, down each way the hall leads, refusing to make eye contact with the few people that have occasionally walked down it.
And without thinking too hard and too long, she hums quietly to herself as a distraction tactic, raises her hand and knocks softly on the door, already telling herself that if neither answer after the third knock, she'll hightail it out of here. It's not her lucky day though when she hears "I'm coming" being called out. Her humming stops and she grips the handle to Emma's stroller harder than necessary before tapping her fingers against the fabric of it. Seconds later, she hears the top lock unlock and then moments afterwards, the bottom one follows. The door opens and reveals Jay's smiling face which serves to calm her nerves just a fraction.
He's here, she reminds herself. She's not exposing her baby to the plague. It's just Abby. Though Erin is willing to argue that Jay's girlfriend comes pretty damn close to that.
"Hey," he extends an arm and gives her a sideways hug, "I was beginning to wonder when you were going to knock. I was going to give you another five minutes before coming to get you."
She rubs the back of her neck, obviously embarrassed at being caught, "Yeah, I have no explanation for that," and that's because she can't lie, not when her muscles are tightening up and she feels a headache coming, "we're here now though."
"That you are," he closes the door and locks it behind her. Then he turns to the stroller, reaching inside to unstrap his special lady and then pulls her out, "Hi baby, welcome to our home." Erin notices the subtle drop of the word 'our' in reference to his apartment. She leaves the stroller by the door and follows him further into his home, chuckling at the immediate sight in front of her.
"You have furniture," she acknowledged. The thought suddenly reminds both of them that she hadn't been back to his place since the night they met, since the night they made Emma, and now, in some roundabout way, she's back for the first time with their daughter.
"Finally, right?" he laughs, hoping that his comment and his chuckle lightens the mood.
Erin wraps her arms around herself and helps herself to a seat at their two-chaired dining table. She crosses her legs while seated, her nerves not yet ceasing yet, at least until she sets her eyes on Abby who walks out of what Erin knows is the bedroom looking probably way more nervous than she currently does, -good, Erin thinks to herself, yet a part of her doesn't trust Abby enough to think that feeling is genuine. It's probably an act for Jay. And speaking of him, he raises the baby above his head and brings her down for back-to-back smooches.
"Oh, she's just precious," Abby glides over to Jay's side and presses her hand against Emma's back, "she's just adorable, I mean the absolute cutest, hi sweetheart, hi I'm Abby," Erin notes that neither she nor Abby make a move or effort to acknowledge each other's presence and it doesn't bother her one bit. Abby makes kissy faces, and Erin zeroes her gaze in extremely close to make sure her lips didn't connect, "Can I hold her?" And right before Jay passes her to his girlfriend, he looks at Erin for a last-minute confirmation. She nods, hesitantly, but it's best to get it over with.
Abby practically swarms her personal space, bringing her face so close in that Erin stands to make sure she doesn't kiss her baby. She's not trying to be problematic; she wants to stay out of the introduction, but it's a very short list of people that are able to give Emma kisses and Abby is not one of them. Abby lifts her into the air and brings her down, snuggling the baby close and inhaling her scent, "Oh she just smells so delectable, hi girl, you look just like your daddy."
Abby doesn't know how to properly hold a baby, besides raising her into the air and bringing her back down. Emma is uncomfortable, and it takes everything in Erin to not hop up to rescue her. Emma whines, just brief enough for Jay to get the hint to teach and show Abby how she likes to be held. Erin says nothing, she quietly observes and just takes it in as a sign.
Jay steps back to observe her behavior, to watch her mannerisms as if she was under a microscope. He zeroes in on her facial expression, bypassing the smile she has pressed on her lips to note the look of discomfort in her gaze. He steps forward, back into her space and presses his hand against her back, hoping to ease some of her uneasiness. All while Erin watches the exchange, her shoulders tensing up at the sight of them, appearing like a family and if she were a stranger, an outsider looking in, she would think they were the perfect nuclear family. Erin clears her throat, blinking out of the image the sight of them painted only to see Emma give Abby a gummy grin, sending Abby over the moon at the response. Erin knows better though, Erin knows it's most likely gas, but to not seem like a hater, she stays mute, choosing instead to sit back down and cross one leg over the other. She leans back, crosses her arm over her chest and a smile only stretches across her face when she hears a low volumed cry, it's whiny, almost fussy and Erin immediately knows what that cry is for, -she's overstimulated. Babies love attention, it's expected, it's a given, but it can get overwhelming if you overdo it and Abby is overdoing it right now.
Emma's low tone cry slowly transitions into shrieking. Her little face is turning red, forcing Jay to scoop her from his girlfriend's arms. Erin rises to her feet, not to get the baby but to walk this restless energy out. She moves around the apartment, fingers running against the back of the couch, the picture framed photo of Jay and who she can assume to be his mom, recognizing the familiar features that were passed down from her to Emma. She continues to walk around the living room, taking it in, and instead of Abby watching the baby, she's watching Erin, in her peripheral, hoping that she spots the nearby framed photo of she and Jay happy together before moving to Chicago.
Erin sees the picture a few feet away, but she doesn't spend time on it. She bypasses it and moves on, ending her travels at the stroller, hinting that she's ready to go. Erin cringes when it's time to say goodbye and Abby becomes awkward with Emma, not exactly knowing what to say or do, but pretending as if she is unbothered. Erin steps in, more so rescuing Emma rather than Abby and gets her nice and comfy in her stroller. Abby moves closer, leaning over the stroller to wave before holding her phone up to take a selfie of she and the baby, "I feel like our first introduction could have gone a little better, maybe we can have a do over sometime in the nearby future."
No one entertains her words, more so because Erin ignores them and Jay didn't hear them, he had disappeared into his bedroom and returns to the hall holding a duffle bag, "I'm ready."
"Where's your jacket?" Erin immediately asks, placing the pacifier in her daughter's mouth.
"…in the closet?" he answers as if he's asking.
"It's too cold for you to go outside without a jacket on."
"It's August," Jay says flatly, yet Erin's expression doesn't change.
"Okay, it's August," she agrees, "and tonight it's also too cold for you to come out with no jacket on. Both can exist, Jay. You'll catch your death coming out like that."
"Yes ma'am," he salutes, grabbing his jacket from the hallway closet. Erin chuckles, watching him give Abby a kiss to the cheek, causing the smile on her face to slip. She reminds herself that she has no right to be jealous, he's not single, she has always known that, but to have the stark reminder right in front of her sends her aback. She leads him out, using the excuse that she's hungry to rush them out the door. He rides with her, Abby will pick him up in the morning, and on the way home, they stop at Wendy's for dinner and by the time they're at her place, Emma's asleep.
"…always place the baby on her back," Erin advises as Jay lays the baby in the crib for her last nap of the day. This one is her briefest, either because she wakes up for a feeding or because Erin wakes her up to ensure she can sleep later at a more reasonable hour. That leaves them about an hour to eat and relax, sending Erin rushing into the living room to load up a streaming service and take out their food while Jay unpacks his overnight bag in the guestroom. And by the time Jay joins her, Erin has already taken a bite into her burger and is three fries deep into her medium.
"Thanks for waiting for me," Jay jokes.
"You took too long," Erin shrugs before raising one of her fries into the air, "here, catch!"
Erin tosses a fry and Jay nearly trips over his feet when he tries to catch it in his mouth. It lands in his mouth, his teeth nipping the end to ensure it didn't fall. She tosses another one. And then a third. Both of them are left laughing when he manages to keep up with his streak in capturing them all. Erin on the other hand, missed more than she caught but anything that managed to not make it in her mouth, made it to the floor for Milo to vacuum up. Impractical Jokers plays on HBO Max on her television in the living room, neither are paying attention to it, neither even know what's going on because both are too absorbed in each other, focusing on aiming and shooting the fry across the living room. And once they run out of fries, they sit back, kick up their feet, relax and finish off their burgers, "The meeting wasn't that bad, was it?"
"No, it turned out better than I could have hoped if I'm being honest," she answers.
He turns his head to look at her, smiling, "Really?"
"Really," she turns her own gaze, smile matching his.
"Does that mean Emma can start coming over sometime in the near future?"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she pats his thigh, "it's still too early. Give her a few months and then maybe we can revisit this conversation. Abby still has some learning to do, most notably on how to hold a baby."
"Oh, you picked up on that?"
"It wasn't hard. I mean, she could have at least made it a challenge to pick up on the cues."
"I don't know if she's ever held a baby before."
"That seems like an important piece of information to know."
"I figured it couldn't be too hard to learn, I mean I did."
"Well, you're different," she reaches her hand out, running her fingers over the back of his neck, massaging his hairline, "you're open to learn, you don't act like you're perfect and you know everything," he closes his eyes to enjoy the caress of her fingers, "you're a really good dad, Jay," the change in subject, the drop of the Abby topic to focus on him, "you didn't have to stay over but you wanted to, you sacrificed a few nights out the week of peaceful sleep so I didn't have to do this by myself. Besides my mom, I wouldn't have been able to do a lot of this without you."
"You're just saying that…"
"You know me better than that. I don't just say what I don't mean."
Jay turns his head to look at her again, the action causing for her hand to leave the back of his neck and slide to the side of his face, leaving her to now cup his jaw. She tells herself to let go, to drop her hand, but her heart fights against her mind. All logic and sense go out the window when his eyes fall to her lips. She doesn't get it, she doesn't understand how their conversation led to this moment but she doesn't question it, not when he's leaning forward and she's meeting him halfway.
Erin straddled him, her knees pressing into the sofa at either side of his hips. Her fingers wound through his hair, fingernails scraping over his scalp as she deepened the kiss, tongues tangling. His hands were warm and his grip was strong as they slipped beneath the hem of her dress, pushing the fabric further up her thighs, taking his precious time to explore and caress her bare skin. One hand fell from his hair, tugging at the buttons of his shirt, desperately wanting the layers that separate their flesh to be gone now. Erin rocked her hips, grinding down against him, moaning out when she suddenly feels his hardening cock straining against his jeans. A breathy groan escaped her lips as the rough material of his jeans created passionate friction against her core. The movement, her core against his, increased. And if it wasn't for the baby sleeping in the other room, then her moans would be much louder.
"Erin," Jay breathed out raggedly, reaching behind her to unzip her dress, "Erin," he pushed the straps of her dress down her shoulders. She shifted, helping to get it down, the motion providing the smallest bit of friction, making them both gasp sharply, "Jay."
Erin worked the last of the buttons loose, pushing the fabric down and off his shoulders; her lips never separated from his. This felt like a long time coming. She's been way too patient for this; she needed this, sex, more than anything right now. It's hard getting back into the dating scene with a baby at home. Most people didn't want to take a chance and date a woman as complicated or with as much baggage as Erin. She's been craving sex and the fact that it appears to be with Jay, a man who she knows won't leave, a man who –because of Emma- has become a permanent fixture on her life was now running his hands along the inside of her thighs. Over the course of nearly a year since meeting him, she's found herself deeply caring for him.
How could she not though? He's given her something that no one else has ever done.
This platonic relationship, she found herself lucky to be in. Even though it's been a friendship, a mutual understanding between two people who were brought together through the small but powerful soul of another human being was unexpected and sometimes hectic but she couldn't find herself regretting it. She liked him as a friend. He was slowly becoming her best friend and for that reason, and that reason alone, she pulled her lips away and released another moan the second his thumb brushed over the fabric that covered her core. She should stop this. Her hormones, her craving and her sexual desire was screaming at her, scorching her in an attempt to stop her from stopping this, but her heart and her head had won out completely when a small cry wailed through the video baby monitor.
Erin pulled her head further away and his lips chased hers; he wasn't ready to stop this, "…if we're lucky, maybe she'll fall back asleep?" He moved his lips to her neck, kissing, biting and sucking upon her smooth skin. The baby never stops wailing and he sighs into the crook of her neck, "…maybe if we're really quiet?"
"Jay…"
He didn't like the tone of her voice. It sounded as if she was about to tell him something that he didn't want to hear. She climbed from his lap and he immediately missed the warmth that her body provided. He rose to his feet; his shirt remained on the couch. He follows Erin into the nursery and silently yet impatiently waits for her to finish her thought.
"…we're supposed to be just friends," she was letting him down easy. Erin reached the crib and peered inside. Her eyes held the happiness of the world that only shined when she met the eyes of her daughter. Emma was still whining, crying out in a demand to be comforted. Erin appeased, reaching inside of the crib to lift their baby up, "I think the kiss was a mistake."
"I thought you were into it. You didn't seem to think it was a mistake a few minutes ago."
"I was into it, I'll always be into it, but we keep forgetting that it's not just us anymore."
He knows she's right; this isn't their first time having this conversation. She's right, of course she's right, but no matter how many times they try to stay away from each other, this is going to keep happening which just reinforces his need to start therapy. He's made the call, he's done the consultation, next he has the intake and then he's officially enrolled and signed up to start. Jay runs his hands through his hair, back and forth, over and over again before tugging at the strands, hoping upon hope that things were different, that he had Erin's strength to leave his relationship like she left hers, that he had her willpower to overcome whatever toxicity her ex-boyfriend brought to her life so he can do the same with his and that he had as much trust in his instinct that she had in hers to break things off with him without knowing how things would go. She wasn't afraid, not like him, he's terrified in not knowing the future, in not knowing whether staying with Abby or breaking things off would be the best for him.
He's pulled out of his thoughts when asked to burp the baby while Erin straightens up the living room. This is why he wanted to be here. He needs to get out of his thoughts, he needs to be present, he didn't practically strongarm Erin into letting him stay over just to be consumed of thoughts of his girlfriend. He does what is asked of him, then hands the baby off to Erin while he shadows their nighttime routine. He feels like a third-wheel, a puzzle piece that doesn't actually fit as he looms in the behind the scenes of what he supposes is a nightly occurrence. He's a background character right now, trying to figure out what he can do to make this process easier but it seems like she already has a handle on everything. All he can do is hover in the background and wait patiently for Erin to ask him to do something, whether it's to get her blanket from the nursery or rinse off her pacifier. He's the errand boy tonight but he doesn't mind it, it makes him feel helpful.
Jay has nothing left to do, Erin appears to now have it all handled as she walks around the room, bouncing the baby in her arms and gently patting her on the back, coaxing her to relax and maybe hopefully go to bed. With no intention of leaving her room until she does, Jay takes it upon himself to sit on her bed, as far to the side as possible, leaning back against her headboard to watch. Erin sees him in her peripheral, feeling the pressure under his gaze, "Getting her to go down for the night tends to be the hardest part for me. She doesn't like to be a team player," she jokes.
After giving up and slowly carrying her to the bed, Erin places Emma between the two of them, watching as the baby fluttered her eyes, opened and closed, trailing the line between awake and asleep. Her tiny mouth stretches open into the widest yawn with her small fists stretching up into the air. She's so tired, that much is obvious by the weight in her eyes yet Emma does not want exhaustion to win out. She's yet to learn that when fighting the battle of sleep, sleep always wins.
"…that's much better," Erin sighed, taking the little hand of her daughter and allowing her to wrap her tiny fingers around her index. Jay does the same from the other side, "I swear this is the best."
"I can't argue with that," he grins. He brings her tiny hand up to his mouth, puckers his lips and peppers kisses all around her now opened palm, and even when she eventually falls asleep, her eyelids fluttering shut, her long lashes brushing against her smooth skin, he can't bring himself to stop, "I could really see myself getting used to this. I mean, just look at her," his mouth breaks out into an infectious grin, "everything she does is so freaking adorable!"
"Trust me," Erin lowers her face to gently press a kiss to the corner of her daughter's mouth, "I need no convincing whatsoever! I find myself obsessively staring at her every night. And just when I think I've taken in every part of her and I can't fall even more in love with her, here comes a new day and here I find my heart growing another ten times its size." She adds another kiss and then another and another before finally deciding her sleeping daughter has probably had enough.
Jay rises from the bed, deciding that now is probably the best time for him to head off to bed. It's been a long day, a successful one if he does say so himself, and tomorrow will hopefully be even better. He leans over his daughter, and gives her mom a kiss to her head. Dazedly, she smiles, partially lifting her head to meet him halfway. She's practically asleep herself, and when he gives her shoulder a comforting squeeze, she lays her head back down, smiling as the sandman graces her presence and carries her off into a dreamworld. Jay transfers Emma on over to her bassinet, gives Milo a goodnight pat to his head before shutting off the lights and heading out. He cracks her bedroom door behind him, allowing some of the hallway light to shine lightly into her bedroom.
It had been a better day than he could have hoped for, one that went much better than he expected.
He looks down at his sock-clad feet, realizing that as far as his memory can recall, it's the first time he has been in her home, dressed so comfortably and staying the night without any expectation of stripping themselves of their clothes to pleasure one another. He's here for the sole purpose of being in daddy mode, and as his eyes scan the living room and he finds himself mindlessly picking up and organizing the toys scattered around, he feels a sense of contentment. This, is a life he hadn't expected, one that a few months ago, he couldn't have even imagined and now, it being only the first night of many, he wouldn't trade picking up toys, cleaning up used bottles and putting away the baby's laundry for anything else right now. He's happy. He's at peace. And nothing that he can think of can burst the bubble he finds himself floating in. He grabs a damp towel robe, the one they used to give Emma her nightly bath, he holds it up to his nose, clenching it tightly and inhaling the faint scent of his daughter's shampoo. He closes his eyes, picturing the soft expression she had on her face as he dried her off, mimicking noises and breaking out into the funniest faces he could imagine in order to earn the hint of a smile. She's not laughing yet, but the gummy smiles he gets from her is enough to satisfy his craving to see her happy. He pulls the towel away and he starts to fold it, only stopping and draping it over the back of the couch when he hears a knock.
His watch tells him it's a few minutes after midnight.
And his mind cannot conjure up an answer to who could possibly be at the door. There's another knock, this one more incessant, causing for him to pick up his pace in getting to the door, preferably before Erin or Emma woke up. It's more nonstop knocking, which only grows his irritation because who comes to someone's home this late at night and knocks so long and so loudly knowing that people are most likely sleeping inside. No one comes to mind. And when Jay gets to the door and looks through the peephole, his question is still left unanswered because he doesn't recognize the guy. The part of him that doesn't want to be bothered wants to stay quiet in hopes that he'll go away, assuming that the guy is probably at the wrong door. But, the cop in him wants answers.
"Who is it?" He asks. When Jay's voice crosses the threshold, the guy appears caught off guard. He takes a step back, looks at the number on the door to ensure it's the right address.
"It's Eric," the man answers when he's sure that he's at the right place, "I know it's late, my flight had just gotten in. I'm here to surprise Erin. This is her place, right?" He double checks the email.
Jay doesn't open the door yet, "Yeah, this is her place, but who are you? Who's asking?"
"Eric," he answers once again, this time sounding annoyed and impatient, "her boyfriend."