Hi, you've reached Erin, I'm unavailable at the moment, you can leave a voicemail after the beep. Now it's your turn to say something. Jay hangs up before the beep, sighing aloud at his third failed attempt to speak with Erin since their argument. It's hard to think about, they've disagreed about this time and time again but for some reason, this time it's different. This time she's actively avoiding him. This time her silence is pushing him to make a decision. He sits in the waiting room at his therapist's private practice, staring up at the clock on the wall and tapping his foot anxiously as he waits to be called back, "Detective," he looks up at the receptionist, "you can head to Milah's office, she is ready to see you now." Finally, because he has so much to say.
He damn near races down the hall and speed walks into her office, thankful that the door was open so he didn't have to stop and knock. She's sitting behind her desk, hair styled similarly to their last appointment. He wants in, nearly startling her, "Whoa, where's the fire?" She makes an offhand remark and rises to her feet. He doesn't respond, choosing instead to take a seat on the couch and she goes to close her office door. It's only his second session but after that first, he does get the sense that she can be trusted. He is starting to value her opinion, and he needs a sounding board on what happened so he can be guided in the right direction.
"How are you doing Jay?" She takes a seat in the arm chair. One leg crosses over the other and his eyes zero in on the flats she's wearing today, foregoing the heels for better comfort.
"Honestly?"
She nods, "Always."
"I'm not doing well at all. Erin and I, we had a pretty big blow up, and don't get me wrong, we've argued in the past before but this time, it's different. I don't know what to do."
"How about you start at the beginning so I can better follow along?"
Halstead nods, takes a deep breath and reaches into the bowl in the center of the coffee table in front of him to grab a stress ball. He repeatedly squeezes it as he tells Milah the story, starting with Erin going to his apartment while he was at work and the words she said to Abby before going into detail about Abby recording it and sending it to him and then ending on how angry he got when he heard it and how he made the rash decision to call Erin in the midst of that anger.
"And now she isn't speaking to me. She won't answer my calls," he ends.
"Wow," Milah whispers, slowly nodding her head as she takes in everything he's just said, "that's a lot. I can see why you're upset. You operated out of anger and while the emotion passes, the consequences of it don't tend to pass as quickly."
"I don't know what to do."
"I'm going to ask you a few questions, Jay, and I don't want you to answer them right away. I want you to take a moment, think about them and then answer it and try to be as honest with me, and as honest with yourself as possible. The only way you can answer wrong is if it's a lie, but other than that, please remember your answer stays between us and this is a space of no judgment," her disclaimer does make him nervous; he wonders what she will ask.
He grabs another stress ball, needing one in each hand if he's apparently going to get through this session. He squeezes both repeatedly, leaning back on the couch as Milah leans forward, hands clasped and elbows pressed against her knees, "You told me the last time that we spoke that you didn't want to be with Abby yet just now you said you told Erin that you don't want to break up with her. Can you tell me how both of those thoughts coexist?"
"Um," he starts to open his mouth but then he slams it shut when Milah shakes her head, the non-verbal serving as a reminder that she wants him to think about his answer first. He silently thinks, staring down at the stress ball, the red one in his right hand and the green one in his left. He takes another deep breath and looks up to meet Milah's gaze, she patiently waits, obviously in no rush for him to answer until he is ready to answer, and the truth comes to his mind, he opens his mouth to share it, "they don't coexist. I don't want to be with Abby. I said I didn't want to break up with her because I was angry at Erin, I said it out of anger and I felt bad for Abby considering what Erin said to her. I know breaking up with her would make her feel worse, and suicidal, remember?" Milah nods, "When I called Abby, she could barely string two words together, she was crying so much, I thought she was going to have a panic attack."
"When you were telling me what happened, you mentioned noticing a pattern," he nods, and she finishes, "can you elaborate on that? What is the pattern you've noticed?"
"Erin and I would be in a good place, Abby would do something or Erin would accuse Abby of doing something then me and Erin argue over me still being with Abby, nothing changes, I leave until it blows over and we sweep it under the rug for Emma's sake."
"We tend to repeat patterns when we're not learning the lesson we're meant to get from them. This pattern looks to be continuing because nothing is changing. You change a behavior, then the outcome naturally changes. You know how it will end staying with Abby while continuing to blur the lines with Erin, yet it continues to still be done, and then every person involved in this cycle gets hurt. Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"So you think I should completely end things with Abby?"
"I can't tell you what I think you should do but I can guide you to decide what's best for yourself."
"What about the guilt? I already feel guilty for cheating on her, for having a baby on her, and then if I leave, I don't know how I'll manage all of that guilt. A part of me is still with her for the selfish reason of not wanting to feel even more bad."
"Well Jay, sometimes guilt is a price to pay for peace. Remember, emotions are temporary, they do not last. No matter what you're feeling, eventually, it will lift and another emotion will take its place. You just have to let it. May I ask you another question that I want you to think about?"
"Yeah," he whispers, now no longer needing the stress ball because the anxiety was just replaced with guilt and depression. He sets them back in the bowl for her later clients to use.
"What made you decide to start a relationship with Abby?"
He knows to take a moment, but even if he didn't, he would have anyway because that question required him to think back to the time he agreed to go out with her.
"She was persistent and consistent."
"In asking you out?"
He nods, though based on the look on Milah's face, he wonders if he answered wrong.
Milah blinks then elaborates on her question, "specifically what was it about her that made you decide to start a relationship? Meaning what do or did you like about her?"
"She was reserved," he immediately starts to list, "she was cool, pretty down to earth, we rarely argued before I moved here, she was pretty perfect on paper from college graduate, career woman, brought up in a two person household that didn't partake in the vices of life, she was damn near a saint if one existed" he swallows and then reminds himself of Milah's emphasis on honesty in therapy, "which made her safe, she was a comfort zone and we never ventured out of that which meant we hardly argued and we stuck to routine, even our sex life was routine."
"Ah," Milah slowly nods her head as it's all coming together, "Safe because she'd never leave you?" She asks for clarification and when he nods this time, she adds more, "Safe because of the history of people leaving you from your mom to your dad to your brother?" And when he nods again, now he's suddenly picking up on the connection. Damn, she's good. Milah sits up straight, head tilting to the right as she takes him in before highlighting an observation she's made, "I noticed that when you described her, you used past tense," did he, he wonders, he can't remember, "Does those traits still describe her?"
"No," he feels the guilt start to build up, "she's nothing like that now but I'm convinced it's because of how I hurt her. I broke her heart and hurt her in one of the most unforgivable ways and she completely changed, she changed from her core and now I don't recognize her."
"I don't know Abby but have you ever thought to wonder if that was who she truly was or," she continues, not wanting him to respond until she got her full thought out, "if she was never put into a situation for her to act differently and for you to see her differently. You said it yourself Jay, she was safe. Neither of you left your comfort zone until moving here so she never had reason to show other sides of herself. I have one more question for you before we start to wrap up," he sits up straight and takes a deep breath, anticipating it, "What made you decide it's time to end that same relationship you just described?"
"She can be clingy and jealous. Sometimes she forces herself to cry to get what she wants so she's manipulative too. She always has to be right. She goes behind my back to make sure I'm where I said I'll be or to even check my texts, well she stopped doing that but it's still a sore spot. She can-" suddenly he stops talking when the sense of being disloyal is taking over. It's one thing to talk about her in a positive light but this right here felt wrong.
"What's wrong? Where's your mind taking you?"
"I just feel like I'm betraying her when I say those things."
"You aren't betraying anyone by seeing them accurately."
He keeps that in mind all week, processing her words and working to come accept them so by his next appointment, he's walking to her office, not running. She isn't startled this time. She's dressed down today, if that's what you call wearing slacks, a button up shirt and tennis shoes. It's the most relaxed he's seen her and for some reason, that outfit makes him feel even more comfortable than before. It makes the session feel like two people just chatting. When he sits this time, he doesn't go for the stress balls, instead his fingers rhythmically tap against his legs, waiting to see where Milah will start first in this session.
"How are things going, Jay?"
"Good and bad if that makes sense."
"It does, but tell me how."
"Erin is still avoiding my calls. She does send me pictures and videos of Emma though but anytime I text to see when I can come by, she doesn't respond. I don't know what to do. I have a key but it feels wrong to just show up at her place unannounced and let myself in but at the same time, I miss my daughter. We agreed to not let our stuff get in the way of what's best for Emma and going a week without seeing her is not what's best. Erin's being selfish. She's not thinking of Emma, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the pictures and the videos but it just makes me miss her more. I said I'd never take her to court for a custody battle but she's not giving me a choice here. I know if I go that route whatever friendship we had is gone for good. Emma is just shy of eight weeks, almost two months, I can't imagine all the new things she's doing."
"You're panicking, and possibly overthinking things," Milah says, and for the first time, Jay doesn't know if he agrees. Based on his face, Milah can sense that and chooses to elaborate, "I recall you saying last time we spoke that she asked you not to stay over that week, and that she wants the two of you to set better boundaries," he nods because he recalls that, "you also mentioned that you have a key, we can only assume here, but why don't you think she took her key back? She could have easily mentioned it when she said the other things."
"Maybe it wasn't on her mind?"
"True, or maybe because she needed space. She was upset and she needed a week for space. She specifically asked for a week, you agreed to that."
"But, she won't answer my calls."
"But, she does see your texts. How do you think she'll respond if you text her that you're on your way to see Emma and then knock when you got there?"
"I don't think she'll respond."
"Maybe, maybe not, but you have not exhausted all options when it comes to accessing your daughter. You should try all the routes before going down the path of getting the court involved."
"I just don't want her slamming the door in my face."
"She'd have to answer it to do that though, right?"
"Yeah," he whispers, pulling his phone right out in the middle of the session to text her, informing her that he's stopping by to see Emma right after therapy. He doesn't ask; he simply states it. He pockets his phone when done and releases a long sigh. He hopes she responds otherwise he's going to be nervous for the rest of the day.
Switching gears, Milah redirected the topic of conversation. Choosing to pick up where they left off last session, she softly asks, "Have you thought more about what we talked about last week?"
And if he's being honest that's all he's managed to think about. His sessions continue similar to how they have in the past, and while he utilizes Milah to vent and problem-solve, Erin goes the freer route and uses Kim for the same thing. Erin sits at her cubicle, struggling to focus on the multitude of tasks laid out in front of her for the day. She wants to check in on the kids that were in the house fire that Firehouse 51 responded to, she wants to verify their placement and then thank Rixton for stepping in when she needed an assist. It's hard to do any of that though when her mind is split between thinking of Jay and thinking of Emma. That is until Kim rushes in to work five minutes late and takes her seat at her cubicle next to Erin.
It's funny because despite her being late, once she drapes her cardigan on the back of her chair and sets the files in her arms down, she's in her seat and using her feet to wheel herself a few feet to her friend's cubicle, "I got your text. What's wrong? What happened?"
Erin quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, trying to school her face as if she was fine, "Nothing." Neither she nor Kim believed that.
"Erin, I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night. Most people don't cry over nothing."
"I'm not crying," Erin clears her throat, "It's just allergies."
"...really? What are you allergic to that has your eyes watering up like that?"
"Men."
Kim smiles despite the obvious mood. She wraps her arm around her friend's shoulders and pulls her as close as them sitting in two desk chairs would allow.
"Is it men? Or is it a man?"
"You already know so why ask."
"...because I don't know the details."
And that starts the long journey of Erin getting Kim up to speed over what she missed in the last two weeks. Her friend responded when needed, mainly in facial expressions and the causal quip that typical Kim would offer. However, once Erin finishes, before she can hear her friend's opinion or get any type of feedback, her desk phone rings and she has to take it. It's work and she doesn't get paid to sit around all day and vent to her best friend.
The hours of the day stretch on by. The two siblings were able to be placed together, both Rixton and Irina came through. She reviewed the cases of the newest complaints and anonymous tips that need investigating. She schedules them in on her calendar, updates her files of the home visits she did yesterday and then waits for Kim to get back from grabbing them lunch.
"The line at Chick-Fil-A was damn near wrapped around the block. Next time we either get it for delivery, we place an order through the app or you're driving to get it." Kim vents before dropping the bag containing their lunch on Erin's desk.
Erin doesn't acknowledge her friend's comment because it was Kim that wanted Chick-Fil-A and it was Erin that warned her that Chick-Fil-A is always crowded unless it's Sunday and that's only because it's closed. Both of them quickly dig in, Erin with her tenders and Kim with her sandwich until the growl is sated and they can eat slower because they're not as famished. Kim is slowly chewing one of her waffle fries, watching impatiently as her friend sips her lemonade before clearing her throat and rushing Erin to pick up where they left off this morning.
"I basically told you everything. I saw red, drove over there with Emma in tow, and just let her have it. I wouldn't have been able to stop the verbal lashing even if I tried."
"Sometimes Erin," Kim started, setting her hand onto her shoulder, "you can make me so proud."
Erin rolled her eyes as she shoved her hand away, "You're honestly not helping."
"Okay sorry sorry, you're right. You handed Abby her ass and then Jay handed you your ass."
"I wouldn't necessarily describe it like that but basically yes."
"Sounds like a lot of pent up emotion that needed to come out. What's the problem?"
"The problem is Jay hasn't seen Emma since then."
"You told him not to come over."
"No, I said he can't stay the night. I said nothing about him coming over to visit. I've told him time and time again in the past that I would never keep him from Emma."
"...yeah but that's when things were good and the two of you were still sleeping together."
"I'm mature enough to not get in the way of his relationship with his kid just because we're mad at each other. Come on, that's high school level pettiness."
"You said he's been calling you and you've purposely chose not to pick up."
"Yes that still doesn't mean he can't see Emma," Erin defended her action, and when Kim's brow raises, Erin tosses her waffle fry back into her tender box in order to elaborate, "look, I personally have nothing to say to him. I don't answer because the last time I did, well you know what happened. I send him pictures and videos of Emma, I'm trying to keep things between us just about her, that's it. Emma is two months old, it's a long time before she can hold a conversation so I know he's calling to talk to me. And I have nothing to say to him."
"You don't think ignoring his calls but sending pictures and videos gives off mixed signals?"
"Um, whose side are you on, Kimberly?"
"Yours always yours," Kim reconsiders her statement and then amends it, "unless of course it's you vs. Emma and then I'm on hers, but you'll only be number two when you're up against her."
"Thank you for that, you were very helpful," Erin sarcastically replies, turning to pack up her trash and disposing it in the trashcan beneath her desk.
"Oh don't be like that."
"Be like what? I'm nowhere near closer to figuring out what to do than I was two weeks ago."
"The answer is simple, you call him and you talk like two grown adults."
"That gets us nowhere. We've talked, and talked, and talked, and it gets us nowhere. Seriously, I say my part, he says his, we disagree, argue, and then we're mad at each other. He's never leaving Abby, Kim. He's said so himself. And I have to accept that."
"Why do you guys have to make things so complicated?"
"You guys?" She highlights that part, "I'm not doing anything. I literally have no control in this situation. It's not my relationship and no matter my opinion, he will do what he wants and he's too freaking blind to hear any voice of reason. I don't even think he believes me about that note."
"I believe you."
"Thanks Kim," Erin smiles, "but you believing me gets us nowhere. I do appreciate it though. I just keep beating myself up about the fact that I destroyed it. I'm such an idiot."
"Hey," she interrupts, shaking her pointer finger, "don't talk about my best friend like that."
"It's easy when it's true. I just don't know what to do. I'm treading water here and going at this pace without a break is about to make me drown."
"How about I watch Emma for a night this Friday? It'll give you a well deserved break."
"I-I don't know," Erin stutters either because she's hesitant or shocked at Kim's offer. She's never seen her best friend with a baby alone, she's never known Kim to be alone with a child ever unless it was for work and that was typically interviews for investigation that didn't last overnight. Erin just doesn't know but she doesn't want her friend to be insulted by her hesitance.
"Oh come on, I can do this. You just got to give me a try. It's time for Little E to spend some one on one time with her auntie. We'll do a test run and if I can't handle it, I'll call you."
"And while you're off galavanting through the streets of Chicago with my baby in tow, what am I supposed to be doing?"
"Hmm, taking advantage of the free time, catch up on sleep, but I'm hoping it's to talk to Jay."
Erin sits with that and gets back to work. The topic doesn't come back up, and anytime she and Kim speak the rest of the day, it's about everything else but the drama in her personal life. There's nothing she can do about it now but even later, when she's home, staring at Jay's text for the fifth time that day, fingers hovering above the letters to create the words that she wants to say, but being stubborn enough to not send any of them. He didn't ask to come over; he stated it which tells Erin that no matter what she says, she can expect a visit from him. She just doesn't know what time that'll be and maybe that's a good question to respond with, but before she gets the chance, there's a knock at the door, and she immediately knows who's on the other side.
She takes her time to get to the door, practicing her deep breathing exercises that she's done since learning it in therapy and builds up the courage to answer it. She doesn't feel like having the conversation she knows is coming but she cannot avoid it forever. Two weeks was long enough, and now it's time to put her big girl pants on and be the adult that she is.
"Hey," he says weary, unsure of how she'll respond, "I hope you got my text."
"I did," Erin opens the door wider, "I was actually just about to respond to ask what time."
He steps inside, "I hope you weren't busy." She closes and locks the door behind him.
"...not with anything important. It can wait."
Jay stands there awkwardly, as if he was a stranger, as if he didn't know the layout of her apartment and didn't feel comfortable enough to just walk into the nursery without permission. Erin chooses to spare him, and points her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the nursery, "Ems is down for a nap but she should be waking up any second now. I've been watching her on the baby monitor so once she's up, you can go in." Her words made it perfectly clear that she didn't want him waking Emma up, especially knowing that she would be the one to have to deal with a fussy baby once Jay left. The only thing is she doesn't know how to keep things from being awkward. He's still standing by her front door, only moving when she turns to walk back into the living room. Milo is at his feet, and Jay ruffles the top of his head in greeting.
Erin sits on the couch, one leg crossed beneath her, grabbing a throw pillow to sit on her lap before taking a deep breath and speaking once he's in the arm chair, "While we wait for Emma to wake up, I figure now is as good a time as any to have a conversation."
"I was hoping we could have this conversation another day. I'm really exhausted and just want to spend some time with Emma and then leave."
"We don't have to talk about everything but I do think we need to address some of it."
"Okay," he nods, leaning back in his seat to give her the greenlight to start.
She hesitantly begins, "I realize that I just can't deal with this anymore."
"…with what?"
"The games and the drama and all of the mess that this has brought to my life! My life was pretty good and then-"
"You met me," he filled in the blank.
"Please don't put words in my mouth."
"We both know what you were going to say. We both know what you were going to imply so why beat around the bush Erin? We can't just walk away, we got a kid in the other room that kind of makes sure walking away from each other isn't a possibility, so what do we do because this," he points between the two of them, "this might be estranged or over or whatever the hell you want to call it but that doesn't mean my relationship with my daughter will come to an end."
"How many times do I have to tell you?! I wouldn't do that to you or to Emma. I wouldn't keep her away from you."
"So why did you try?"
"I didn't. I simply said you couldn't spend the night here, that had nothing to do with when and how often you decide to visit Emma. There are plenty of successful co-parenting relationships that do not require parents to stay under the same roof. That was just an added perk of our friendship, but it does blur the lines. I just think our main, mutual priority is Emma, other than that, you do your thing and I'll do mine. Any conversation we have is solely about Emma and her best interests. I'll stay out of your business and you stay out of mine."
Jay feels forced to agree so he nods, hiding his closed fists from view so Erin wouldn't see just how bothered he was by her rules. Fortunately for him though, he doesn't have to hide it for long because Emma starts crying and Erin sits back on the couch while Jay gets up to get her. She eavesdrops, unintentionally, through the baby monitor, listening as he gushes over missing her, repeatedly professing his love to her and doing everything in his power to coax a dimpled smile from her. Erin sits in the bliss of listening as father and daughter communicate, while Abby watches and listens to the feed, sitting in bliss that her intended impact is working, and now there's one last step in her quest to be a family and show Jay that she's all in. She knows once it's done, there's no way he'll be able to deny his love for her and see her in the perfectly fit role of motherhood. She secures her phone under the strap of her bra, grabs her purse and keys and is out the door before she has the chance of changing her mind. She's excited. So fucking excited.