Between New York and Washington
Christmas 2004
"Was it really necessary to take them with us?" Dylan asked, whispering in Brenda's ear.
"Dylan, they are two elderly people in need, they needed a ride and we are giving it to them," Brenda replied ironically.
"Yes, but I wanted to spend these hours with you"
"That's exactly why I offered them a ride," Brenda replied with a wink.
Dylan smiled as Brenda walked away. At least she spoke to him.
Mindy and Carl had already settled in the passenger's rear seats.
Dylan set in motion.
"Of course it's not a Porsche"
"Do you drive a Porsche?" Asked Carl.
'I've owned one all my life,' Dylan replied, 'but I've spent the last few years traveling and I didn't need a car anymore.'
"Carl has always dreamed of owning a Porsche"
Dylan looked at Brenda and remembered all the times they had traveled together on his Porsche. Of the places they had been, of the times when they had made love in the car.
"Have you been married for a long time?" Asked Brenda.
"Fifty years of marriage celebrated last June," Mindy replied, "And you?"
"It's a long story," Dylan replied, anticipating anything Brenda could say.
Brenda gave him a bad look.
"We met in high school," Brenda said, "I had moved from Minnesota to Beverly Hills with my family, after three years he cheated on me with my best friend..." Brenda smiled sarcastically, turning to look first at Mindy and Carl's reaction and then Dylan's.
"We could avoid telling certain details," Dylan said.
"Why, isn't that what happened?" Brenda replied.
Mindy and Carl looked at each other have fun.
"It happened to us too," Carl said, "the stupidest mistake I could make."
Mindy shoot her hand.
"Really?" Asked Brenda
"Oh Brenda, fifty years together you won't think they were all golden, we had very difficult times but we overcame them together"
Dylan made a grimace with his face as if to say "I told you."
"Okay," Brenda replied, "maybe you are stronger than ever I could be, what do you say about this, after years he came back, I welcomed him in my arms, in my bed and you know what he did, Mindy?"
"What?"
"He left, overnight, without a word and without a phone call."
Dylan saw Mindy's reproachful look in the rearview mirror and didn't know what to say, not at that moment at least.
"I don't think this is the time to talk about it and it didn't really go that way," Dylan whispered.
" no... ?" Brenda asked "you wanted to talk about it, so let's talk about it!"
"You two have a lot of repressed anger," Carl said, "but romantic relationships can't work that way."
Dylan found some satisfaction in Carl's words.
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Dylan sighed.
"Do we want to talk about something else?" Mindy asked to dampen the tension.
"Great idea," Dylan said, giving Brenda a dirty look.
"Let's talk about the wedding, a wedding at Christmas, what a wonderful idea, how did the groom and the bride meet?"
"In high school, like us, we were all part of the same group, she, Kelly, the bride, always had a crush on him, Brandon, my brother but he didn't seem to care, then something happened they fell in love, broke up, fell in love and have already called off a marriage," said Brenda "then they broke up permanently he moved to Washington for work and she stayed in Beverly Hills."
Brenda looked again at Dylan who looked back, he knew exactly what she was thinking, right after Brandon left, Dylan had returned to Los Angeles and had tried to win back Kelly.
"And then how did the two of them find each other?"
Brenda thought about it for a moment, looked down and began to tell a story that even Dylan didn't know.
"One night Kelly called me, I hadn't heard from her in years, since I left Los Angeles to live in London, she was crying desperately, she was really desperate, my brother had been gone for years and they hadn't kept in touch, she felt that her life was a total disaster, that she couldn't keep a relationship up, her last boyfriend" Brenda looked at Dylan "had left her one morning without saying a word to her, he had just left as if she didn't count anything."
"Maybe he wasn't in love with her and didn't want to make her suffer," Dylan said.
"Maybe people should know how to deal with them instead of running away all the time," Brenda said.
"Are we still talking about this Kelly and your brother Brandon?" Mindy asked a little confused.
Brenda looked back and smiled at her.
"How does the story end? How did they find themselves?" Asked Brenda.
"When Kelly called me she was having a really bad time, I'm not sure why she called me, but that night we talked for over two hours, she had big problems, she felt that life was slipping through her hands, she felt she was losing everything. Kelly had a past as a drug addict and had bought cocaine with the intention of taking it"
Dylan turned abruptly to Brenda "really?"
"You have to be careful to handle people's hearts they could destroy themselves," Brenda said without taking her eyes off Dylan then turned his gaze down.
"I talked to her for a very long time and when the conversation ended I felt helpless. She wasn't my best friend anymore, we hadn't talked in years, but I felt I had to do something."
"And what did you do?"
"My brother was with me in London at that time, to spend the Christmas holidays, to spend a Christmas together like we hadn't done in a long time, after the phone call I went to wake him up.."
Christmas Time 2001 London
06.30 am
Brenda hadn't been able to go back to sleep, she had tried, but Kelly's phone call had upset her. She kept wondering why Kelly had chosen her. She had no answers, all she knew was the authenticity of the desperation with which Kelly had spoken to her."
She decided to go back to Brandon's room, put her hand on Brandon's arm.
"hei...Brandon..."
Brandon was confused, he opened a single eye to realize where he was and who was gently shaking him by the arm.
"Brenda, what's going on?" Brandon asked, putting himself in a sitting position.
"No.." Brenda smiled "I need to talk to you."
Brandon took a look at his watch "at half past six in the morning?"
"I can't wait," she said, sitting on the bed.
Brandon looked surprised.
"Okay.." he said.
"I got a phone call a few hours ago," Brenda said.
"A phone call?"
"From Kelly"
That name was a punch in the stomach for Brandon.
"Kelly..."
"she was crying"
Brandon had a worried expression "what do you mean ..she was crying"
"I would say she was desperate, at first she was sobathing and I couldn't understand anything she said then she started talking and we stayed on the phone for two hours, she started to apologize to me, that she feels like a failure..."
"I don't understand"
"She bought some cocaine"
"What?"
"Yes but she said she didn't take it" Brenda bit her lip "I don't think she is okay"
Brandon looked down.
"Kelly and I haven't been together in years, you know, it's not my place anymore.."
"Brandon, believe me I'm the last person in the world who would like to say that, but I'm very worried."
Brandon shrugged "maybe I should warn Steve"
"I don't think Kelly called me because she wanted me to warn Steve"
Brandon looked up and crossed his eyes Brenda. The two didn't say anything anymore.
Washington
Christmas 2004
Brandon was working on his laptop. Finally the snow seemed to have stopped and the rescue vehicles were cleaning up the streets. Maybe everything could go back to normal in time for the wedding.
The airports had been reopened. Jim and Cindy would board in less than an hour, Jackie was already flying to Washington, Steve and Janet had finally found a seat on the flight to Washington and Donna and David were on their way from Houston.
Brandon smiled thinking of Brenda and Dylan driving to Washington together, after years of not seeing each other.
Brenda had not said much on the phone, but she knew his sister very well, her voice vibrated, she was happy, Brandon knew it, she knew her very well and only that Brenda could not say it, much less admit it to herself, Dylan Mckay would always occupy a place in Brenda's heart and even if in all these years Brenda had had other stories none of them had moved Dylan by a single millimeter, Brenda had told herself another truth.
Brandon got up and looked out the window, that heavy snowfall really seemed like the metaphor of those years, when you're inside the storm you never know when and if you'll get out of it, but if you keep keeping your heart open sooner or later you find the courage to go further, to take that step in one direction, courage is really the only thing comparable to love.
So it had been for him, when he learned that Kelly was back with Dylan he hadn't wanted to know anything about her anymore, he had told himself another truth that didn't hurt him. He had had other women, other stories, he had given up the shoes of the good guy and had let himself go but in the morning when he woke up in a bed, whether it was his own, or in a hotel or in the girl's apartment he felt worse and worse, empty, as if that part of his existence was slowly consuming him, he had no longer been able to fall in love and he had also told himself another truth.
That morning, in London, when Brenda woke him up and told him about Kelly's phone call, Brandon was afraid, afraid for her, as strange as it seemed to others he had always tried to protect her, from herself, from him, from the world, and even though he had made mistakes, some of which he bitterly repented, the love for Kelly had pushed him to always stand one step behind her, he was willing to let her go even as long as she was well and did not return to that tormented broth in which she had lived all her childhood. He had asked her to come to Washington before leaving but they were too young and he needed a change, he had promised to call and he had never done it, the only thing he had promised and kept was that he had continued to love her even if he had not told her anymore, he had kept her in his heart, in that special place where in the years no one had been able to get in.
That morning in London was different, he hated knowing her alone, he hated that life was taking over between them.
Christmas 2001
London.
Brandon had gone out to get some fresh air, that night Brenda would have rehearsals until late, Jim and Cindy were taking care of dinner and he promised his sister to pick her up outside the theater. He walked around a little, watched the people, the happy couples holding together in the cold of the evening, took refuge inside a pub in front of the theater where Brenda would join him. He ordered a beer and stayed at the counter for a long time.
Maybe he should have called Kelly, he should have broken that silence and called her.
"A penny for your thoughts," Brenda told him when she approached him.
They exchanged a kiss on the cheek.
"How did the rehearsal go?"
"Well," she replied with a light smile, "are you thinking about Kelly's phone call?" Asked Brenda who knew her brother very well.
He nodded.
"I'm sorry but I think I would have felt worse if I hadn't told you about it"
"Yes I know," he sighed, "it's just that I don't want to go back there. It was painful to leave."
"Believe me," Brenda said, nodding the bartender to bring a beer to her too, "I know what you're talking about."
"So many times I thought about calling her, but the news I had was that she was with such a Matthew"
"Matt"
"What?"
"Matt not Matthew"
"Yes him, then he was back with Dylan."
Brenda looked down.
"Sorry"
"You don't have to apologize"
Brandon was playing with a peanut that fell on the counter "why do you think she called you?"
Brenda shrugged "I can't tell you, maybe nostalgia, maybe I remind her of a happy time in her life and she needed to feel happy again, to feel safe, but in my opinion she knew I would tell you about it"
"And now what should I do?"
Brenda sighed "I don't know, if you want I can call her back in the next few days and see if she feels better"
Brandon looked Brenda in the eye "what would you do instead of me?"
"If there was Dylan in Kelly's place?" Brenda didn't answer right away "I can't answer this question, there's a lot of history between me and Dylan, a hundred times I've tried to save him from himself, and no matter how much I struggled I couldn't"
"Why do you think you couldn't do it?"
"Do you see him here with us?"
Brandon smiled with irony.
"What happened?"
"He left London and went back to Los Angeles, you know what happened"
"To tell the truth I don't know, you never wanted to talk about it"
"To tell the truth, I don't want to talk about it now either"
"Brenda.."
She looked at the foam of her beer and mirrored herself in the glass of the mug.
"He had asked me to marry him"
"What?" Brandon was shocked. Brenda bit her lip.
"He had asked me to marry him and I told him no, the next day he disappeared again, then I found out that he had returned to LA from your blonde, and that he pretended not to know me anymore, as Kelly said that you were a great friendship"
The memory of the Walsh twins was long, and that was a real problem.
Brandon sighed. He had never understood why Kelly said such a sentence, maybe she really believed it, maybe she was in denial, Brandon had realized Kelly's worst nightmare, he was gone and she had no choice but to deny that it ever existed as love, despite everything they had gone through together.
"Why you said him no"
"I don't want to talk about it," Brenda replied.
"Ok," he said.
Between the two there was a silence in which the minutes seemed very long. It was Brenda's choice to talk.
"I was scared, that's why I said no that evening, because I wasn't ready, I had left Los Angeles because it was too painful for me to see him and Kelly together, it was painful for what he had meant to me, for how they had acted behind my back, for how you all pretended it was normal, including you"
"Brenda..."
"I know, this is a speech that you and I have already addressed and clarified, there is no need to apologize again, I understood very well, I felt like I die every single day, but when I arrived in London for me it was my chance to start over, I had my apartment, my career to build, at first I was really happy, I had managed to put Dylan in a corner of my heart, to accept things without more anger, and a world of opportunities was opening up to me. Then one day he came back, I found him on the steps of my house. With his head down, for a moment I thought I had a hallucination, it couldn't be him, instead it was Dylan. I didn't ask him anything, I knew about Antonia's death, I knew he was desperate because you told me, that's why I didn't ask him anything, we didn't make promises, I didn't ask for commitments, I opened the door of my apartment, I thought that if I had had a new opportunity in London maybe Dylan could also have one, maybe together we could have one. At first it was strange to have him in the house, he drank coffee and spent all his time writing, he said he had found his new inspiration, he wrote at night especially he tried to bring out everything he had accumulated over the years, his childhood, the death of his father, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, he wrote. I often sat next to him, neither of them talked, but I knew he had stayed safe. We had a perfect connection and the sex was magnificent..."
"Okay.. I don't want to hear this"
Brenda laughed "you're a big boy now"
"Yes I know ... But I don't want to hear it the same."
"I got pregnant"
"What?"
Brenda nodded "I've never told anyone, it's something only Dylan and I know."
"You could have talked to me about it"
"No, I couldn't, it happened shortly after you and Kelly lost the baby and even if you hardly show your feelings I knew it had hurt you deeply, that it was hard for you, that you wanted that baby" Brenda cleared her voice "I got pregnant and at first I was scared, having a baby at that moment could mean losing my career, losing all that world that I had won myself hard, alone, with hard work, finally I was happy and it seemed like I was going to lose everything, I wasn't sure I felt ready"
"Like Kelly..."
Brenda looked at her brother and gave him a caress "I know it may seem selfish, but everyone reacts in their own way Brandon. I loved Dylan, and I assume Kelly loved you, it's just that I didn't feel ready, not at that moment in my life, they had offered me a tour in Europe"
"The one with the company of the Teatro Moderno?"
Brenda nodded and smiled "that's right, I had to leave, a pregnancy would stop everything, and the question was, if I felt ready"
"And Dylan?"
"Dylan was happy, he wanted to go and buy everything was needed, re-paint the room, he was a thousand laps away while I still had to get used to the idea"
Brenda took a sip of beer "at the first ultrasound we discovered that the pregnancy was ectop, these are things that unfortunately can happen and this had happened to us. I didn't realize what pain it could be until I felt it, I felt guilty all the time, for having doubts, because I hadn't been able to feel an immediate joy and open my heart to this new life."
"Yes, Kelly had also felt that way, as if it was her fault, but it wasn't her fault"
"You can't convince yourself easily, it takes time and I needed a lot of time, it was a very hard time, Dylan tried to help me but I was struggling to feel joy at that time. When these things happen you feel like you have to deal with your life, with the choices you make, I was afraid of losing everything, it's bad to admit it but I had been afraid, I was selfish, but in twenties who is not selfish?"
"It's true," he replied.
"Dylan asked me to marry him just before I left for the tour, he got on his knees, pulled out a ring, but the truth was that he felt desperate about the loss of the baby and was afraid of losing me too."
"Yes, I know the feeling," Brandon said softly.
I wanted to spend my life with him, it's not a secret to anyone, I just didn't want him to ask me for the wrong reason. When I left he seemed to have understood but when I came back he had taken his things and had disappeared"
"Is that why you don't talk to him anymore?"
Brenda looked down, her beer was almost finished "no, that's not why, shortly after your departure from Los Angeles, I learned that he had returned to L.A. and I flew to the USA"
"Have you gone to Los Angeles?"
"Not right away, after a while. "
"And what happened?"
Brenda shrugged her shoulders, a sudden sadness took her and hurt her again "I don't want to talk about it"
"And anyway," she said, "my story has nothing to do with yours."
"What do you mean?"
"That if you want to go to her, maybe you should go, it's not too late for the two of you"
"What makes you think I want to go to her?"
Brenda smiled and then whispered "it's written everywhere all over your face" then she got up "I'll wait for you in the car" she said.
Brandon watched her walk away, pulled out his wallet and paid for their beers.