Chapter 4 – If I Were a Carpenter

"It's the Christ, sir. Jesus doesn't want to go back."

Outwardly, Aziraphale sighed, but inside he felt a tingle – this could be the chance. Crowley and he, the two of them, had helped Adam when the faceoff with Satan occurred. Maybe Aziraphale could try the same tack with Jesus, no Crowley this time.

He skimmed the file- ok, the process was easier. Unlike the first, the second coming did not require a virgin birth (that would have been much harder to find nowadays, but not impossible). He returned to the interview in the Christ file. Dated 'day 10', it showed Uriel, with her usual bored expression, questioning Jesus. Both were seated at a table in Heaven. "But you are loved all over the world – "

"I still feel the nails. Not being able to trust, being a political target? No hurry to do that again – John's your man, ask him".

"John the Baptist, or John the Apostle?"

"Either. They both love the attention".

The next thing Jesus said got Aziraphale's full attention – "I should have listened to Crowley".

Uriel (almost showing interest), 'What did he say?'

"He showed me a green and secluded valley near Lake Geneva; said it would be more to my liking. Madge and I could live quietly, raising sheep and kids of our own – I wish we had", Jesus got quiet and looked down at the blue braided strip of wool that he had tied around his wrist and was rubbing between his fingers.

"But you denied his temptation and were rewarded. You saved the world. Billions praise you."

"Yet I died alone and am eternally alone."

Aziraphale closed the file, unable to keep watching and needing answers to digest it all. "Raph – who is Madge?" Aziraphale thought he knew.

The scribe pulled out his clipboard and looked. "Mary Magdalene, sir"

"Where is she now?"

"She refused to ascend, quote, 'I'm not going to a Heaven that would allow such a torturous end to those who were most devoted'."

"She has a point",Aziraphale admitted. "She is in Purgatory? Can we locate her?"

Raph checked his notes, "No one has tried".

Aziraphale was flabbergasted. "What? They didn't try? If the only way to open Purgatory is the second coming, and the Lord won't go without her, well that's pure IRONY."

Raph laughed, "You expect reason out of a bureau of angels who think they're always right?"

Aziraphale laughed, too. "Noted. Well, I need you to check there for her. And ask Uriel to drop by, at her convenience. Thank you, Raph." The scribe left with a smile. Aziraphale was liking the scribe more every time they talked; he thought Crowley would too. He reopened the Christ file. He rewound: "I should have listened to Crowley".

Christ looked nothing like any of the artwork on Earth – Heaven was big on imagery and knew what sold. But he did look like Aziraphale remembered. Jesus was about 5'10", broad-shouldered, with olive complexion. His close-cropped dark hair showed a widow's peak and some male pattern baldness. He wore a homespun tunic and had what had been called "Jesus sandals" in the age of Aquarius. The simplicity and plainness stood out in the glowing heaven. His eyes were a dark brown that turned lighter with his mood. They were sad and had been sad a long time.

Uriel entered the room and bowed her head, "Acting Supreme Archangel, you requested me?"

Aziraphale paused the file. "Well, let's dispose of all this formality. You will call me Aziraphale; you will not bow. Think of all the time we have already saved in the future, by keeping it simple. Pull up a chair and look at this interview. What do you remember?"

Uriel nodded and placed a stool beside Aziraphale. "He has not adjusted to Heaven very well and wants no part of a return. He gets angry when we mention going back, almost violent. He likes woodworking, it keeps Him calm. We've told him He can take what He makes with Him."

"We're telling Him what to do? The Son of God?" Aziraphale was certain something was wrong with this whole plan. While he didn't trust the Metatron, he was now certain that no one in Heaven knew how to deal with humans, and Jesus, for all practical purposes, was human.

Uriel looked bored with his questions. "The Lord has not tried to use his powers here. We felt treating him like a human was the best approach until we neared the time. Technically, we haven't denied him anything he wants, except for the woman, who won't come up, and a meeting with the Lord Almighty."

"God won't meet?"

"The Metatron says God will be here when the Christ is ready to return to Earth, not before."

"That doesn't sound right. Uriel, I'd like to meet the Lord. Can we go now?"

"Whenever you like, Acting Sup- Aziraphale. I would be relieved if we could get this over with. The logistics of this campaign are considerable. I would like a holiday when this is done, although there may be nowhere to go." They walked away from 'the Penthouse' and it faded into the glow.

Uriel led him down a few floors and towards the 'southern' end of the building. All directions in heaven were in relation to the Welcome Center (also known as the pearly gates) in the center of the complex.

Jesus was far away from the everyday workings of Heaven. Almost as if he were being hidden. Uriel and Aziraphale entered the space. It was a small room with wooden beams and plastered walls. Some woodworking tools lay on the worktable. A man was making a mahogany chair, with smooth and gentle curves.

"My Lord, do you have time for a visitor?" Uriel asked politely.

Jesus looked up, grunted an acknowledgement, and set down his polishing cloth. Aziraphale entered the room. "Hello, My Lord, I am Aziraphale, a new administrator here. It is an honor to meet you. Might I have a few minutes of your time?"

"Time is cheap and plentiful up here, so you may have it." Jesus had a seat at his workbench and motioned to a nearby stool.

Aziraphale looked to Uriel, "Thank you Uriel, I will find my own way back when I am finished." Uriel nodded at the angel and bowed to the Lord, then left the space. He sat on the stool. "Thank you for letting me have this time to talk, My Lord."

"Cut the formalities; it is my experience that titles make targets. I am Jesus, nothing more. What do you wish to discuss, Aziraphale?"

"I am new here, in Gabriel's place, and have just learned of your situation. I wanted to make sure you were being treated well and ask your opinion on some matters."

"I'm not treated unwell but would rather be somewhere else. How are you going to be different from the smug one?"

Aziraphale nodded with a smile, "Gabriel was very...Confident, wasn't he? I am not as sure of myself, but I sincerely want to help you, and to do that, we need to understand each other. Do I have your permission to try?"

Jesus nodded. "you may." He crossed his arms, "but I am not bearing vengeance down on Earth. I'll stay here alone forever first."

"I don't like the sound of either of those options. May I suggest a third?" Aziraphale leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "You go back and finish your human life. We find an alternative to that old fashioned 'Judgement Day'. We're both modern men; I suspect we can find a better way."

"Hmm." Jesus peered at the angel that appeared anything but 'modern'. He uncrossed his arms and leaned forward. "I have a feeling that underestimating you would be a mistake. My demands are simple: 1. No Bloodshed. 2. No Damnation. 3. I get my Mary back."

"1. If at all possible. 2. Not on our side. 3. If at all possible, and it's up to her." The angel was not going to make false promises.

Jesus looked impressed. "Honesty. That's something I haven't heard in Heaven. When do we start?"

"We already have. We're talking" Aziraphale stood and started pacing, never able to sit still once a plan was in progress. Jesus stood and returned to his work. He was carefully oiling and polishing a chair.

"May I?" Aziraphale looked closely at the chair. Smoothed and polished, it shone warmly in the ever light. The yoke was delicately carved with sunbeams breaking through clouds, with birds that flew or perched among the trees and flowers that grew down the arms and edge of the smoothed seat that was positively glowing. The back showed beasts of the earth at rest. While the Lion did not lie down with the Lamb, they seemed to look across at each other pleasantly enough. Aziraphale smiled slightly when he spied a serpent and a bunny together at the base of a tree. The legs of the chair were rivulets or waterfalls that flowed to gentle lapping waves that formed its feet. Sea creatures played in the surf – whales, rays, squid, and fish.

"How beautiful! It shows the world and all that is good." Aziraphale clapped his hands as he praised the Lord's work.

"Almost all" Jesus said. "It would be perfect if my Madge were sitting here. Maybe the lack of humans, angels and demons make it truly 'all that is good'". He turned to Aziraphale "you're the first being that has even bothered to look at it- thank you for that".

"Such a gift of love", the angel deflected, "Where is Madge?"

" don't know." Jesus brown eyes began to shine with held back tears. "Everything I endured, everything I sacrificed, and they still sent her to Hell." Jesus turned away and picked up a half-carved boat and a knife and started to whittle.

Aziraphale tried to calm Him. "I highly doubt that. You don't know that. Have they even looked for her?"

" He said it was 'irrelevant' to the PLAN!" on the last word, Jesus threw the knife and it hit the post that suddenly manifested with a 'Thwack' and vibrated with a 'Thrum'. " 'Said missing her would just increase my wrath when I got there".

"Who?"

"Pompous talking head".

"The Metatron". Aziraphale knew the ache that Jesus felt. Missing the one person that gave you peace. Feeling like you were being forced into being someone you didn't want to be. Tugging down his vest, he put forth his best smile and twinkle. "Well, I wasn't in charge up here then. I'm am now. I think we should look for her."

Jesus dropped the boat and sat on his workbench. "You'd do that?" Aziraphale felt pity for this man – so worshipped by generations, but still held mortal by the Heaven he was meant to rule. Just a puppet. They weren't going to give him power until they were sure he would do exactly what they wanted, and keeping him in pain was a means to that.

"Give me a few days to get settled and organized up here and then we'll decide how to go about our search." Aziraphale smiled and Jesus smiled back like he was relearning how. "And tomorrow we will meet for tea and you can tell me about yourself. If you need anything, just let me know".

"Thank you for your visit. The last time I felt this hopeful was long ago, the Monday before….. will you call me Jesu? Everyone up here is so formal- but that's what my ma called me. What would you like to be called?"

"Angel! Leapt to mind, but Aziraphale said , "Fell"

"Fell it is! I look forward to tea tomorrow and now I will rest. Peace to you Fell"

"And you, Jesu".

Aziraphale went back to his space. Raph was waiting by the desk. "How do I acquire pen and paper? He asked. "Everything up here is by miracle – just wish it into being," said the scribe.

"That sounds wasteful."

"Less so than stockpiling it."

"True"

He sat in his cream-upholstered armchair and a pad & pen appeared on the wooden desktop. The pad was headed "from the desk of the Acting Supreme Archangel, Aziraphale, former Angel of the East Gate and Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Europe". Aziraphale rolled his eyes and changed it to "Aziraphale, ASA". List making to Aziraphale was like woodworking to Jesus- a way to calm down and focus- he began:

1 – Learn the business

2- find MM

3- check on bookshop

4- plan the return

5- Reinstate C

He really wanted it in the opposite order {and knew each step included lots of little steps, like "makeup with C"}, but Aziraphale had something to prove.

He didn't need Crowley to save him, but his questions would pinpoint the solutions faster. Besides, Aziraphale rationalized, tapping his pen, he was saving Crowley. At least until he could find a way to shield them from God's wrath. "First things first", he thought. He looked at his assistant. "Raph, you seem too smart to stay a scrivener, what is keeping you there?"

"I ask questions; they find that annoying. I pay close attention and remember what I see; they find that annoying as well. Basically, they find me annoying. In this position, they only see me when they need my skills, which is good for them. I get to stay under the radar, but learn a lot more than I would being in just one office, which is good for me." Raph smiled, "I probably shouldn't have told you that."

Aziraphale moved to the tea trolley. "Raph, I'm beginning to think that divine providence has brought us together. You are exactly who I need up here to help me save it all. Now, we'll have some tea while you tell me what goes on up here. Then I might tell you my plan." He poured himself a cup and sat in the armchair.

Raph poured his own cup and sat at the settee. "What do you want to know?" he asked.

"Who trusts who, who does what, and when and where and why. From the most obvious policy to the tiniest secret. I want to know Everything." Aziraphale leaned back and added a plate of cakes to the table. "This may take a while." The angels smiled and began.