Febuwhump Day Eight: "Why Won't It Stop?"
Plot: It might have been a few weeks since Kamino, but Omega's mind is still in the past. She thought they could get Crosshair back. Maybe she could have tried harder to talk to him. Maybe she could have kept them together. She thought she could. It turns out she's not the only one who feels that way.
Author's Note: Most post-Kamino drama and angst. :)
~ Amina Gila
Their first mission post-Kamino is... it feels different somehow.
Hunter is healed now, but he's still quiet. Distant. Almost like he's not even there. Echo and Tech are back to arguing, and Wrecker is... what she can only call ragefully distant.
He threw a boulder off a cliffside for no reason.
Omega had stared at him blankly, half freaked out, but no one else said anything, so she'd followed their lead.
She hates it when Wrecker's angry. He's always so goofy, and Omega has hardly ever seen him angry. About anything. The last time was somewhere on Kamino, and before that, it was... was when he had Hunter pinned up against the wall, a millisecond from snapping his neck and Omega saved him.
He could've died there, and Omega knows it wasn't Wrecker's fault, and she certainly isn't angry at him, but she still can't help being jittery and uncomfortable when he's upset.
Here they are now, sitting on the steps of the Marauder together, her staring up at the stars.
Wondering where Crosshair is.
Wondering which one is Kamino.
Wishing she could stop thinking about it.
"What's with you?" Wrecker asks finally when she sighs again, eyes still fixed on the sky. She hasn't moved since they sat down together out here. She just doesn't have the energy to.
"I keep thinking about Crosshair," she admits, "About Kamino." It sounds so silly when she puts it to words. "I really never wanted to go back, but it's just... gone now."
"Yeah," Wrecker mutters.
Omega sighs, closing her eyes. "I really thought we could get him back."
"Me too, but... he's gone."
It's the brutally honest truth, and one she doesn't want to hear. She glances at Wrecker, but he's not looking at her. There's something different in him. She wishes it would just feel normal again, that she'd feel free, and they could... just be themselves again. "I told Hunter we'd be able to get him back," she mumbles, "I – I thought..." Talking about it won't help them.
She just thought she'd get to have her family together again someday.
She was wrong. Omega knows thinking about it, or even talking about it, isn't going to change anything, but she wants to. It feels like it might get it out of her head somehow. He'd been so... angry at them. He was hurt, too. Omega had tried to talk to him, but...
His words still sting.
Maybe he wasn't wrong. Maybe – no.
There's nowhere else any of them belong. Finding her way back to them had always been Omega's dream, no matter how many times Nala Se always told her she'd distract them. She couldn't accept it any other way, because they were the only people she would mean anything to, that she could be with, that she could... anything.
"He didn't want me," she says, and she shouldn't be talking about it, but she can't get it out of her head. "He didn't see me as one of you."
"Don't matter what he said," Wrecker replies dully. "He's wrong."
She thought hearing him say that would help, but for some reason, it doesn't change the emptiness in her heart. "It feels like it does," she confesses bluntly, "I thought... he'd want me, too. I wanted all of you. Maybe if I'd tried to talk to him earlier..."
"There was nothing you could have done, Omega." That's Echo. She twists around looking up – he's standing behind them in the doorway. She hadn't heard his approach, and suddenly, she feels a little self-conscious about his presence. She's close with Wrecker, but she's not nearly as familiar with Echo. "There's nothing any of us could've done."
"You came back to Kamino for me," Omega points out, "If you hadn't, maybe he'd still be with you." Even if she wouldn't be, and she can't imagine what it would be like if they hadn't come back for her. She'd felt so empty after the Marauder flew away for what she thought would be the last time.
"Look," Echo says with a sigh, "It really doesn't matter. You needed our help. He didn't. We can't make choices for him."
Hunter's standing nearby, arms crossed, expression blank like it often is. He's so unaffected by things. She used to look up to him for it. Right now, that just makes her feel even worse. It'd be easier if it felt like she wasn't the only one hurt.
"Echo's right," Hunter interjects, "Dwelling on the past won't bring him back."
Omega digs her fingers into the dirt nearby, picking up a rock actually small enough to hold and throwing it. She wishes she could hear it clanging down something. Instead, it just falls into the dirt again with a soft squish.
That just makes her even angrier.
She really, really thought they could get him back, but he's gone now.
"Then why won't it stop hurting?" Omega demands fiercely. She feels a little bad for nearly-yelling, but she's so angry.
She just feels so empty.
"Being a clone doesn't make you one of them."
"That's what happens when you let a kid call the shots."
"I made my decision."
"It never does," Echo says after a long pause of silence. "I've lost many brothers over the war. None is easier than the last."
It never does probably is true, but Omega doesn't want to accept that. She can't. It hurts too much. She doesn't want to live feeling like this for the rest of her life. She was supposed to find her brothers, and everything would be fine.
"It wasn't your fault," Hunter adds firmly. "You couldn't have said anything to him to – to change it."
"Look," Echo says, sitting beside her, touching her shoulder. Omega looks up at him again. There's something a little tighter, darker in his eyes that she hasn't seen before. That's another thing that's becoming a part of him. "There is a lot of blame we can all put on each other, but it won't change anything."
"How could it be your fault?" Omega asks, staring at him.
"I was the first to walk away," Echo replies, "He was the first to accept me, but it doesn't matter. He already made his choice. There's no going back."
Omega looks away briefly, biting her lip. She doesn't even know what to say. She just wants... everything to feel normal again. She feels so empty now.
Hunter is kneeling in the doorway, hand on Wrecker's shoulder now. He's leaning into it.
She doesn't want to deal with this.
She was supposed to come back, and everything was supposed to be fine, and Omega was supposed to become one of them, and they... they were supposed to live. To be together. She doesn't have any of that now.
Omega pushes herself up, pacing the ground in front of them, kicking at the dirt. It's still strange to see it kicking up and swirling around. It's so – so different than what she's used to. She wants everything to stop hurting, to stop feeling so dark and heavy.
She wants to feel free again. She wants to be free. She's home, but it doesn't feel like it.
It feels fake somehow.
Omega wanders a distance off, settling on the dirt and digging her fingers through it, feeling the soft earthiness of it. It's something, at least, and she needs a distraction.
Hunter is the only one who follows her. She doesn't look up, but she hears the sound as he settles in the dirt beside her.
"I know how much you wanted to get him back," Hunter says softly, "I'm sorry I wasn't able to."
"I know," Omega tells him because she does. She doesn't doubt that. Never could, but the fact remains that Crosshair is gone now. He's not coming back. She's angry at Crosshair for leaving. At her brothers for not being able to stop him. At Hunter, for not being able to fix this like she thought he could.
It's not their fault. She knows that. She shouldn't be angry at him for it. She shouldn't feel like this. Omega doesn't even understand why she does. She just wants to cry, but it's something that hurts far deeper than that, burning into her soul and eating at her, ripping her apart.
They just sit together in silence for a few minutes, neither wanting to break it. She doesn't know how to move on. "I don't know how to just... how to... do this?" she settles on finally.
"We survive," Hunter replies instantly, "Like we always have. There's nothing else we can do."
It's too blunt, but Omega doesn't know what else she expected. She's never grieved anyone before. Not truly. This is the first time, and she's new to it. It feels like she's drowning under it. She wants it to go away. To stop. It doesn't seem like it could be that hard.
"Do... you want to go to lay down?" he asks quietly. He's touching her shoulder, and Omega glances up at him. He has a faint layer of worry on his face, though it's dim. "It's... late."
Omega doesn't want to sleep. When she tries, she dreams of Kamino. She thinks of Crosshair. "I think I'll stay out here a little longer."
His hand falls back to his lap. "Okay."
Something's making noise in the distance. Tech had said they were animals. Insects, maybe. Nothing threatening. It's actually oddly soothing now that she's listening.
Maybe... maybe staying out here will help. She's never seen or heard this on Kamino. (Kamino's gone now. All that's left is that landing platform. Everything else is rubble at the bottom of the ocean. The place where she grew up, spent so much time. Memories, forever gone and forgotten. Is Nala Se still alive? How did she die?)
"I like it better out here," Omega tells him. Where there's... sound. Where it's not so quiet and dead it feels like she's... empty, even when she isn't and shouldn't be. She has her brothers. It's like Hunter said – they'll survive, like they always have, even if it doesn't stop how empty she feels inside.
Echo said it never stops hurting.
She doesn't know how they're supposed to live with this. Maybe that's what he means by survive. Omega certainly wouldn't call it living. (She just wants Crosshair back. Doesn't want to believe he tried to kill her because... he wanted to. She took care of him. He meant everything to her. Doesn't matter now, though.) They'll have to, even if she doesn't want to, because that's all she's ever had.
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