CW: Depictions of violence and gore during simulation. Marked by / at beginning and end.
Four is back to his stoic self as I walk into the simulation room. However, when he turns to me he pauses and just seems to evaluate me. I make my way forward to the chair and sit down, settling back as best as I can. A hand comes to my shoulder and gives a squeeze.
"How are you?"
As I ponder how to answer, Four goes about placing the signal nodes, gently brushing my hair behind my ears as he places the ones on my temples. His hands linger on the sides of my face, and meeting his eyes, I feel warmth at the concern.
"I'm tired. But I'll be alright. You alright?"
He offers a small smile that doesn't fully make it to his eyes.
"Yeah. The headache this morning wasn't ideal, but I can't complain."
I find myself laughing easily, imagining my stoic, intimidating brother waking with a hangover. It is an image that is hard to fathom, but also the fact that he was able to enjoy himself for even an evening is a relief.
"I can imagine. The number of bottles you all had up there, did you all buy out all the alcohol the faction has? Didn't know people could drink that much in one go."
His answering grin matches mine this time, but he only rolls his eyes with a scoff. He draws up the syringe, flicking it and messing with it for a moment before turning back to me, his expression returning to normal.
"You ready?"
I sit back again, closing my eyes.
"Not really, but let's get this over with."
"You're strong. It's just a simulation. You've got this."
I barely note the pain in my neck, instead focusing on my breathing as my mind begins to fade.
/
Initially, everything is dark. I am disoriented, trying to place myself. I can feel solid ground beneath my feet, but otherwise there is nothing. I try and take a few steps, but there is no change and I can't elucidate anything further. Suddenly, there is a loud click and the light that follows is blinding. It takes several attempts to blink away the pain and see. I am in a room as far as I can tell, but I can't see the walls, I am standing in a circle of light that blends back into blackness at the edges, obscuring anything else.
"Kathleen."
Whipping around at the voice, I find no one else, instead facing more darkness. But then the voice comes again, from behind me yet again, more urgent this time.
"Kathleen."
I turn more slowly this time. I am no longer alone, but I am unsure how they got here. I didn't hear any footsteps approaching. But there in the light stands William, wearing the same gray clothes as any other day. The calm expression on his face, the gentle slant of his brows as he smiles.
"William?" I take a step towards him, but in response he takes one back.
"What's going on? What are you doing here? Where are we?"
He doesn't respond. Still the same expression on his face. But he lifts a hand, pointing over my shoulder. Turning to look, I stumble backwards a step.
"Kathleen." Father sounds so disappointed. "You know there are consequences to every action. You can't just leave. The world doesn't work like that. There are payments to be made. Sacrifices to be made. You don't just get to walk away after everything I did for you."
I don't want to turn my back on Father, but I can't help but check to see what William is doing. When I glance back, he's gone. I can't risk another moment though, turning back to Father. But not William stands in front of him.
"What's going on? Where are we?" I glance between both of them, willing one of them to just answer. But instead they both continue to stare. After a moment, I can't figure out what is happening. Why am I here? What is this for? Where am I? Turning to the side, I just run into the darkness. It is suffocating, and the pressure is unbearable, closing in from all sides. But after just a moment, I find myself running into the circle of light yet again, facing William and Father head-on. Neither of the other two having moved.
"Kathleen."
"Stop." I rub at my eyes, feeling an ache building behind my eyes. I press my thumbs into my temples, hoping maybe to alleviate the pressure somehow.
"Kathleen." This time it is William, his voice as soft and gentle as I remember. I open my eyes this time, looking to him but he simply smiles.
"Stop, please. What do you want?"
Father speaks instead.
"There is a balance. If you want to leave, if you want to prove you're strong enough to leave, that you're powerful enough to be on your own, then you have to make your choice."
"What choice? I already made my choice."
"No, you ran away. You stole from me. Make your payment. Make it right. Otherwise you come back. You want to be powerful? Prove it."
I don't want to be powerful.
I don't want anything but to be left alone.
I just want to live.
What more does anyone want?
"Prove it Kathleen."
"How?"
William once again raises a hand, pointing behind me. Turning, this time there is no one. Only a table, with a gun sitting on top. I turn back, heart beginning to race. Father's face is amused now. The same twisted, sick amusement I remember before Tobias would begin to cry.
"No. I don't know what game you're playing at, but the answer is no."
"No isn't a choice anymore. Unless you want to come home."
"Dauntless is my home. I'm going there."
"They don't want a coward, Kathleen."
Despite myself, the pressure in my head builds, but my vision also begins to blur as tears well. I don't know what's happening. I just want to leave.
"Pick it up."
"No."
"Kat, you don't have a choice." Tobias steps out of the shadows towards the table.
"Tobias? What's happening?" He doesn't answer, only nodding down at the gun.
"Pick up the gun Kat."
I look between Father and William, and Tobias, waiting for something to break. Waiting for someone to laugh and tell me it's some elaborate joke. That this is all a dream. But instead they all stare back. So meeting Tobias's eyes, I step to the table, lifting the gun. It should feel foreign, but after the training, there is a part of it that feels right. The weight in my hands, the cool metal.
"There's one shot in there. Choose wisely."
"What do you mean?"
He stares at me blankly before turning to look at Father and William. I turn to them and find Father standing directly behind William, hands resting on his shoulders. Both are smiling. While William's is so peaceful, Father's is still twisted, unsettling, and almost unnatural.
"You just aim and shoot." Tobias's voice is right in my ear and I almost flinch, not expecting it so close. I don't know how he moved so quickly, or without making any noise.
Something is wrong.
I can't move. I don't know what to do. I want to leave. I don't know how to leave.
"Aim, Kathleen."
"At what?"
The smile drops.
"You know what you need to do. You wanted to leave. You wanted the freedom. So make your choice."
The ache behind my eyes has turned to a pulsing pain. The tears begin to well again. I don't know what's happening.
"I don't know what you're talking about! What do you want from me?"
"Just trust yourself Kathleen," William's voice cuts through, "listen to yourself. You'll know what to do. It's who you are, deep down. You know."
Pressing my palms against my temples, trying to ease the pressure, to no avail. I'm shaking my head, but I don't even know in response to what. I just want to leave. I can hear my heart pounding in my ear. My stomach hurts. I feel the bile rising in my throat and I swallow back down.
"Aim and shoot." Tobias and Father speak in unison, and the similarities in their voices makes me even more uneasy.
"Don't disappoint me Kathleen."
"You can do this Kathleen."
"Kat, just do it."
They're all speaking in circles, and the pace is steadily increasing. I feel sick. My head is splitting. I can barely understand them anymore. But steadily one voice begins to cut over the gray noise of the others.
"You're a disappointment. After everything I did, and this is what you have to show for it? Pathetic. To think I crafted something so useless. I had so many hopes for you, and look how you ended up. All because you decided to run off and pursue some petty dreams. You know where you belong. You can't fight it forever."
"Stop." I know my voice is pitiful, but I can't find the energy for anything better. I can feel my legs giving out, but as I start to fall there are arms under mine holding me up.
"I took such good care of you, and what have you given me in return? Nothing. You're no better than that pathetic excuse of a man that left you behind."
"Stop it." The hands shift from below my arms, instead lifting them and drawing them together. The hands bring mine together to hold the gun up. Aimed in front of me. I can barely see, the pounding in my head mixing with the tears and obscuring my vision quite severely.
"Who do you really think you are? Did you think you could actually leave this behind? I molded you. I shaped you. I built you. You're nothing without me. Every thing you do has echoes of me written all over them. You're nothing on your own."
"Shut up!" The warmth rising from the nausea suddenly shifts, becoming a rage that I can't control. Gripping the gun tighter, I find the strength and stability to take a step forward, aiming the gun more firmly at Father's face. But instead of fear, his face twists into another smirk.
"You'll never escape my shadow. You'll never really escape me."
I don't see.
I don't hear.
I don't know what happened.
But my hands are burning.
They're buzzing.
My arms ache.
And Father is still smiling.
The red mixes with the gray to turn the fabric almost black, as hands come to press to the wound. Slowly knees give out, though whether its from pain, blood loss, or pure shock is unclear.
"Oh god."
William slowly sinks, Father holding him up in part, but allowing him to gently sit. The bullet wound in his abdomen hidden behind his hands as he stares up at me, eyes wide and disbelieving. But as I take a step forward, I can't move any more as fear joins the mix.
"William, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't supposed to be you."
"You really are his daughter. Anything to get what you want. It doesn't matter who gets hurt along the way."
It's like I've been physically struck. Like I was the one with a gunshot wound.
"William no. No. No. I didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't supposed to be you."
In spite of myself, and the way that I can't feel my own body, I find myself rushing forward and falling to my knees next to him, pressing my own hands to the wound to try and slow the bleeding further. I can't feel the tears as they roll down my face, but I can feel them hitting my legs. I turn, looking for Tobias, but when I see him, I nearly choke.
The mixture of disgust and fear in his eyes closes my throat, and tightens my chest. The nausea returns stronger than before, and I have to swallow repeatedly to keep the bile down. He is frozen, just watching.
"Tobias please! Help me!" My voice is cracked and thick, and I can barely hear it over the pounding of my heart in my ears.
"You're just like him." His voice is so quiet and yet I can hear him so clearly. I can feel the words in my very soul. Can hear as it cuts through me quicker than any jab or taunt before.
A hand lands on my shoulder. I can't bring myself to turn or look. I know who it is. I can't. This can't be real.
"I'm proud of you Kathleen."
I have to lunge to the side as I vomit. I am choking. I can't see. I can only spit the foul taste from my mouth, eyes shut as tightly as possible.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.
Help me.
I would never do this?
Would I?
Am I a monster?
Am I his monster?
This can't be real.
I can't breathe.
My head is splitting in two.
I can't hear past the racing of my own heart.
I focus only on the racing of my heart, and sucking in air as slowly as I can.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.
/
"Kat!"
I can barely manage to lean over, aiming for a bucket near the monitor Four was watching, as I empty my stomach. Four's hands are gentle as they first hold my shoulders before moving to gently rub my back.
"You're okay. You're safe. It was just a simulation." The words are soft as he repeats them over and over, a hand continue to rub circles on my back while the other gently holds the back of my neck. When I spit the last bit of bile out of my mouth, I try and take a breath, but it catches in my throat. And like something possessed, a sob rips out of me. My body curls inward, pulling into a ball. I can feel Tobias shifting around, before wrapping his arms around me. I can feel him trying to pull me towards him. I fight him at first, unwilling to leave the little shell I made for myself, but eventually I can't find it in me to fight anymore. I let him drag me into his chest, holding me to him and just rocking us, humming quietly in my ear. I can't quite place it, but it feels familiar.
I can't stop. Each time I try and calm down, another sob quickly rises to replace it. And each time, Tobias continues to rock us both. I don't know how long it continues. I don't know if someone will come in to see the delay. I just let myself sit in this moment.
It feels like hours before I am finally able to breathe properly. I pull back, and I can feel the way Tobias hesitates to let me go. I rub my hands under my eyes and across my face, trying to dry it as best as I can.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." His hands come to rest over mine, cupping my face. His thumbs gently wipe away some of the dampness. I haven't looked at him. I can't look at him. His face from the simulation haunting me. It's so clear. The fear. The disgust. I can't.
"Kat, please. Look at me." His voice is so gentle. This is Tobias. He's safe. It wasn't real. I'm not the monster. Right?
Opening my eyes, Tobias is concerned, but there is no fear or disgust. Behind the concern, I can only find a deep tiredness, and a deep sadness. The shadows under his eyes, the deep set of his cheekbones. The shadows in the dark blue of his eyes. Eyes that are so similar to Father's, and yet the emotion within is nothing like Father.
"I'm sorry." I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's the only thing that feels appropriate. I don't even know what I'm sorry for at this point. Everything? Nothing? I don't know.
"I know. But you're alright. There's nothing to be sorry for." A gentle smile pulls his mouth. The way I always imagined a parent looking at their child in the books from school. The way I'd see some families look at each other. "I'm sorry too. For leaving you."
I find myself leaning forward again, my arms wrapping around his torso.
"It wasn't your fault. You did what you had to."
He squeezes me tightly, resting his cheek to the top of my head.
"That doesn't make it right though."
"No. It doesn't."
We sit in the silence for another while. Finally, I pull back again, realizing that Tobias won't.
"I should go. You've got other initiates to do."
He allows me to stand, watching as I run my hands over my clothes, getting rid of imaginary wrinkles. Taking deep breaths and rubbing at my eyes and face again.
"Kat, are you going to be alright?"
The laugh sounds almost crazy, even to me. But after taking a moment, I turn to look at him.
"No. But what's new?"
His face pinches for a moment. I start to walk to the door before he catches me.
"Kat, maybe you should talk to someone?"
I can only stare at him for a moment, unsure what to say to that.
"To who? Who wants to hear my woes? Everyone has problems. The whole point of initiation is to learn to get past things like this, right? Face our fears. I'll get over it."
"Kat, you're facing things many of the other initiates probably couldn't even dream of. Sure, facing them is a part of this, but it doesn't mean you can't ask for help."
"And who would you recommend I talk to? It's not exactly like Dauntless has a great system for that."
He looks away for a second, looking almost pained.
"I'm always here for you Kat."
I find myself softening. He's trying his best. He's doing what he can. Maybe to make up for his regret about what happened.
"Tobias, I can't just put all of this on you. You're dealing with all the initiates already. I'll be fine."
"Or," his face pinches, almost like he's pained again, "you could try talking to Eric? Or he may be able to get you to someone? As a leader he has better connections than anyone. As much as I dislike it, I know he has an interest in you and your success. He'd likely help if you asked."
Four's entire body is stiff as he spits out the words. I can't deny the shock at the words, though I also can't deny the truth of them. Eric likely would. But it also feels wrong. Like I'm cheating. But I don't want to continue this argument, and I also know that Four is stressed about it all.
"I'll think about it. But I'll be fine." Taking his hand, I gently squeeze it. He returns the gesture. "I promise, I'll be alright. I just need time."
Pulling my hand free, I make my way out the door and slowly wander back to the dormitory. I immediately lay down, rubbing my eyes yet again before just allowing my brain to sit in silence.
Howdy! Apologies as always for how long it's been between updates, and for a shorter chapter than normal. I'm not going to give an excuse because it's not worth it. Just know that I am very sorry, and for those of you still around, I'm very grateful that you are here and that you're reading this. I hope you enjoy. As I've said before, I realize that this strays from the original books quite a bit, but several of the chapters from the original books are focused on Tris in a way that I can't really adapt, and so instead I've made chapters centered on Kat. And I'm trying to craft both Kat as well as some of the others in a way that both is true to the original, but also maybe adds some extra layers and dimensions. So if they characters feel too far, or things feel hard to believe, I apologize. But I'm trying my best to try and make something true to the original while also adding things and making the story fit what I imagine. And apologies again for how long it takes, and I appreciate everyone who has stuck around. So thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. Until next time, Stay Fierce!
~ChildOfLupus