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Nathan & Elizabeth: An Epic Love
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Chapter Six
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"Oh, my goodness! Don't tell Bill or Minnie, but this is the best meal I've had since I've been in Hope Valley! Maybe, it's because I've missed it so much. You know, Nathan, now that you've mastered my favorite Panini, you may have to fix them for me at least a couple times each week!" (*13)
"I think that could be arranged," agreed Nathan softly.
Then he couldn't help but smirk while adding to that comment.
"Who would have known it would take the Thatcher cook to advance my meager culinary skills!"
Elizabeth giggled at his self-deprecation.
"I'm sure she put you through your paces too. Believe me, Miss Marta doesn't give out her recipes to just anybody!"
He blushed.
"I'd do anything for you, Elizabeth, including making a fool out of myself with an accomplished chef."
"Nathan, you've never been a fool, nor could you ever appear to be one. I can't thank you enough for doing all this. This time together is so perfect: the scrumptious food, this stunning new place, but most of all being alone with you. I was so looking forward to this and you have far surpassed all my dreams. I've never been happier."
"That makes me happy, Elizabeth."
Their eyes locked on each other's, with neither being able to look away. Memories of the last few years came flooding back. Many of which were beautiful, others clearly devastating, yet still, they were just as connected as ever.
Though they were clearly in limbo as how to label that connection.
Both were longing for resolution so they could move forward together as a couple.
But as Nathan had said previously, after all they'd been through, he wasn't sure how to make that happen.
Elizabeth wasn't at all sure either, but she was finally trying, fighting for them with all her might, in the only way she knew.
There was such strong desire one for the other, an intense connection that neither could explain, coupled with a comfort and easiness seldom experienced between two people.
But there was also some huge block between them that was keeping them from truly moving forward.
Sadly, Elizabeth knew better than anyone what that block was.
She swallowed hard, bracing herself for what she thought had to come next, believing she had to explain away the devastating hurts she had inflicted.
Though she was ashamed, devastated, and blamed herself completely, she remembered that Joseph had told her she couldn't move forward until she forgave herself.
Maybe, just maybe, she could finally do that once she had gone through this sordid mess out loud with the man she loved the most in this world, who also happened to be the person she had clearly hurt the most.
That is, she might be able to forgive herself if only Nathan would forgive her after her apology and explanation.
No, it was about a lot more than just apologizing and explaining her actions; actions she herself didn't fully understand. It was about making restitution, something Joseph had stressed in their many talks. Restitution: the process of giving back or restoring what was lost. (*14)
She wanted desperately to give Nathan back her love, but she had discovered from her sessions, that she first had to restore his trust in her before he could begin to fully accept her love.
Perhaps in this instance, it was going to take all three, apologizing, explaining (as best she could), AND restoring Nathan's trust in her before they could become a couple and truly manifest their love.
Gratefully, Elizabeth now felt confident Nathan still loved her, but love without trust was nothing. Would he truly be able to forgive her enough to trust her again?
That was the part Elizabeth was devastatingly unsure of.
But as difficult as it was, there was only one way to find out.
"Nathan, will you please excuse me for just a moment?"
As he helped her up, there was immense sadness in his eyes as though he too knew what was coming next.
Since he loved Elizabeth completely, he didn't want to inflict any pain on her whatsoever, even if it was due to her taking responsibility for her own actions and righting her many wrongs.
He also knew this coming talk would be difficult for the both of them, but he realized they couldn't move forward without it, no matter how painful the process might be.
And this in-between state they had been in for some time now was more than he could bear even a moment longer.
No, there was no other way than to deal with what had happened, head-on.
Still, ever the protector, Nathan glanced up at the slightly darkening skies, astutely calculating they had no more than an hour before they had to start back for Hope Valley. Which left them one single hour that was going to determine the course of both their lives and the lives of their children. A heaviness came over him as he knew beyond doubt, that everything important to him, everything he held dear in this world, came down to this one single hour.
Then Nathan did the only thing he could do. He simply watched the love of his life as she ran to Sargent, making sure she was safe.
Once there, Elizabeth reached into one of Sargent's saddlebags and took out an envelope.
It was the envelope containing her first love letter to Nathan. Yet the letter was so much more than just that. She hoped with all her being these words from her heart would be the real start of restitution and her new beginning.
More accurately, their new beginning together.
She held the letter openly in her hand, as she began her walk back to the man she loved, glancing down at Nathan's name she had adoringly written across the envelope.
With her focus on the letter, she startled a bit, as, without realizing it, he was standing right next to her, ever considerate, holding back the thicket of brush so that she wouldn't be scratched.
He had to have seen his name.
"Nathan!" she almost shrieked in surprise.
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I thought you saw me."
"No, it was me. I wasn't watching," she admitted, her face falling solemn as her voice softened.
"Nathan, I need to tell you some things. Hurtful things, but important things, in order to make everything truthful between us. But before we do that, will you please read this?"
"What is this, Elizabeth?"
"It's a letter from me to you. But can we please get comfortable first?"
Standing there so close, they could feel each other's breath. Nathan looked at her realizing she wanted to sit back down beside him, just as they had been, but was unsure of the distance she should maintain because of what was coming in this letter. He could sense her uncertainty.
Half of him was filled with dread, while the other half was filled with an inkling of hope.
He thought a moment, before concluding that his one task right now was to make her feel as comfortable as possible, even though he, himself, was more than a little apprehensive.
"Here, Elizabeth. Let's sit down together. This isn't an inquisition by any means. It's just you and me talking," he noted reassuringly. "And you know, there's nothing we can't say to each other."
She nodded, agreeing that no matter how painful this was going to be, he was right.
Nathan pointed to a large mound, moved their blanket there, and helped Elizabeth sit down so that she could lean her back against the grassy embankment for comfort.
Next, he moved their lanterns and placed them close by in case they needed extra light later to read by, noting the brilliant sun of a few moments ago had fallen quite precipitously, yet for now, was still full of its orangey-red glow.
As he sat next to Elizabeth on the ground, she curled her legs up under her, and he sat down propping up one leg, placing his arm around his knee. But they were shoulder to shoulder, well, as much as they could be, with Nathan's much taller frame next to her smaller one, yet it seemed important to both, to keep maintaining that physical connection.
Glancing to the side, he noticed searing pain flash across her face, as she hesitantly began.
"I should explain first. This isn't just a letter, Nathan. I know I have no right, but this is what I hope to be my first love letter to you. Though it's so much more than that. It's a combination of my confession, my innermost truths, my sincerest apology, and finally, my declaration of the greatest love I've ever known."
Her choice of words surprised him, especially the last part.
"Are you certain you want to do this, Elizabeth?"
"I am so certain. I should tell you that I've been seeking counseling with Joseph over the last few months, and finally, I am thinking more clearly, while becoming my old self in the process."
She smiled tenuously.
"Or perhaps I should say my new improved self?"
He smiled back, reaching to squeeze her hand in support, eliciting tiny electric shocks that both could feel traveling up their arms.
"Are you sure?'
"I have to do this, Nathan, so we can move forward. And my dearest hope is that it's together."
"Is that truly what you want, Elizabeth? Us moving forward together?"
"More than anything in this world."
For the first time tonight, unmitigated hope began to spring forth and fill Nathan's heart, spilling out into his whole being.
This felt so different than anything previously between them. This felt solid and real, something that could possibly be that new start that both had longed for.
Yet he simply couldn't allow her to humiliate herself by reading her 'confession' aloud.
Not without them talking first.
"Why don't we just share our hearts first, then read the letter?" he asked, watching her closely to gauge her reaction. "I may be wrong, but I believe I've understood more of this than you realize, Elizabeth. I honestly don't have that many questions."
"Really?" she asked, somewhat surprised, gravitating back to her singular word of choice as of late.
He smiled and shook his head yes in reassurance, giving Elizabeth the courage to begin her atonement with them simply talking to each other.
"Nathan, that first day I saw you in your office I knew that you would somehow be my future. Even on that very first day, I knew it was you who would open my closed heart. I don't know exactly how I knew, but I did!"
She paused.
"Then moving on to that day at the log, when you declared that you loved me and that you were in love with me. Oh, how I wanted to tell you the truth! How I wanted to tell you right then and there that I loved you too, and that I was in love with you, deeply and passionately so."
"Why didn't you, Elizabeth? I felt so alone. Bereft even. That day I lost everything, my entire world or what I believed should have been my world, when you said, 'I can't' and furiously galloped away. Don't get me wrong, I understood even then, that you loved me. I truly did, and I believed with all my being you were in love with me."
He paused not sure he should ask, but they were clearing the air, and he needed to know.
"What did I do wrong?"
His last sentence was barely a whisper.
"Oh, Nathan, is that what you think?"
She turned, facing him, kneeling before him as she placed her right hand on his cheek, and took his right hand in her left.
"Elizabeth, I'm not experienced in matters of the heart. What else could I think? I was the one who blurted out my feelings. I was sure I had scared you away."
"No! It wasn't you at all. You did nothing wrong, Nathan. Nothing whatsoever. It was me and my paralyzing fear. I want to try to explain this the best way I can. After I lost Jack, I simply died inside and became this shell of a person. I wasn't even myself to me. That's not an excuse, but simply a fact. I thought I would never be able to love like that again. I also knew with certainty that I could never survive another loss like that. However, being a single parent, I had no choice but to survive, so that I could raise Little Jack. So, risking my own survival wasn't an option, because I would have been risking his as well."
Elizabeth sat back in her original side-by-side position by Nathan, looking down and focusing on the beautiful roses he had cut for her earlier.
"Nathan, because you are a Mountie, my spiraling fear kept telling me it was just a matter of time till I would lose you too, exactly like I lost Jack. In my warped mind, I was sure that horror was going to happen all over again. That's why I said, 'I can't.' I don't know, but on some level, running away was the only way I knew how to prevent it from happening."
"I completely understood how difficult that part was for you, Elizabeth. How could it not be? That's why I offered to leave the Mounties that day. And I meant it to."
"You don't know how much it means to me that you understood. Though, I could never allow you to leave something you love that you are so excellent at doing. Just like Jack, you make a real difference, Nathan. We need more Mounties like you, not fewer. I admit, I should have discussed all this with you, right then and there, and I'm so sorry I didn't do that."
Elizabeth paused again before she could continue.
"You know, after really thinking about this, if I'm completely honest, I believe I also said 'I can't' because my love for you was bigger, greater than I had ever comprehended before, so much so that it truly terrified me and made me feel so guilty. Had I not loved Jack enough? Had I not loved him that much? It's taken me all this time to know with certainty that I absolutely loved Jack with my whole being as much as was possible for a young girl to love a young boy."
Elizabeth covered her eyes.
"It was the extreme pain of losing Jack, Nathan, that made me see love was so much more complex than all the wonderful things he and I had experienced in our marriage together. It's also pain, it's obstacles and overcoming them. It's the day-to-day living with all of its many problems. Don't you see, love is just so much more than I was capable of understanding when Jack was alive. Yet now, I understand all that with you, and that truly terrified me. It even made me feel guilty for not understanding that with Jack."
"Elizabeth, pain changes people. It makes them grow up and see things differently. I know from things you've told me and from the look on your face when you say Jack's name, you loved him as much as is possible for a woman to love a man. To be able to give your whole heart and love like that is part of the reason I fell so deeply in love with you."
With tear-filled eyes, Elizabeth heaved, gasping for air, doing her best to get hold of herself between her sobs.
Nathan simply held her, allowing her to finally collect herself enough to whisper words he had never imagined hearing.
"Nathan, Jack was my first great love and will always be, but you are my second great love, my lifetime love. I'm so sorry I couldn't accept your sweet, sweet love when you first offered it to me. I'm so terribly sorry."
He closed his eyes and just held her till she was calm again, allowing his own heart rate to normalize in tandem with hers.
"Elizabeth, I only have one question."
Instinctively, she knew exactly what that question was, and rushed to state the words herself, attempting to spare him from having to say the words aloud.
"Did I only see Jack in you?"
He nodded slowly, but the saddened look on his face couldn't hide how cutting and devastating the words she had delivered with surgical precision had truly been to him.
"Elizabeth to think you've poured out your heart to the woman you love time and again, and are only being seen not for yourself, but for a past love, is quite the blow to a man, in more ways than you can imagine."
"Sadly, I realize that now. The answer is definitively no, Nathan! I'm not at all proud of saying that, much less to you, and would do anything in this world to take those words back. Out of all the terrible things I've done, that was probably the worst, the most inhumane. But know that speaking them, was a complete and utter lie. I was desperately trying to make you not pursue me and spiteful words were all I had, which I know, doesn't begin to excuse my horrible actions. I also lied when I said I loved you but wasn't in love with you. Because both of those things were the furthest thing from my truth and what was in my heart. I simply couldn't allow our love to come to light. I couldn't even acknowledge it to myself because the fear of losing you was way too great. But the absolute truth is, I never for one second saw Jack in you. Not for a single second."
She paused yet again, wanting to get her words just right trying to make him understand.
"Nathan, you and I even talked about Jack on numerous occasions. Believe me, as broken and confused as I was, I at least could differentiate between the two of you. The plain truth is the only similarities between you and Jack are wearing the serge and the noble qualities you both share as a Mountie."
She shut her eyes, feeling sick over the intense pain she had caused this great man, searching for all that should be said to alleviate his every doubt.
"But Nathan, beyond those commonalities, you and Jack are very, very different people. He was hot, you are cool, meaning Jack reacted impulsively to things, and usually, it all worked out, but sometimes it made more trouble for him than he should have had to deal with. Jack was a risk-taker, whereas you are a thinker. You methodically analyze and ponder things and then deliberately plot your best course of action, while preparing for every possibility. Jack just approached those things so differently, and though I'll never know, it always haunted me that might be one of the reasons he died in that landslide."
Nathan nodded in agreement to the comparison, as Bill had pretty much told him the exact same thing, but he strongly disagreed with the latter part of that statement.
"Elizabeth, you can't blame Jack for dying. A mission like that is complex and consists of different moving pieces, many of which can't be altered. I'm sure various circumstances were far beyond his control that day."
"I think I understand that a little better now. I know in the deepest part of my soul that Jack loved me with all his heart, but even knowing that his work always came first, he couldn't help it. The truth is he left me on our honeymoon, Nathan, and it devastated me. You would never do that. With you, despite what I've said in the past, Allie always comes first. I've seen it time and again. I so admire that about you. You balance everything, something I've never really been that good at."
Elizabeth let out a deep breath, grateful to have gotten this far while praying the worst was over.
But she felt entirely drained, as though there was no strength left inside her to go on…
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13. Italian Panini Pressed Sandwiches. Though Paninis did not become popular in the US till 1960, there are many references to them in Italian history as early as the 1600s. Before the late 1900s recipes weren't found in cookbooks but were simply passed down verbally from family member to family member. Public Domain.
14. Restitution, Definition, The Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (editor Noah Porter, Springfields, MA: C. & G. Merriam Co., 1913), Public Domain.