Mike POV
"Hey," I said gently, kneeling down next to her. "What's going on?"
I'd just been about to pass the living room, having tidied the kitchen after dinner, when I'd seen Tracy in tears. She was curled up on the floor next to the sofa, her body lightly shaking with sobs.
"Nothing, I'm fine."
I sighed. "Tracy, people don't normally cry when they're fine."
Tracy didn't answer.
"Talk to me," I said gently.
Tracy squeezed her eyes shut.
I softened my voice even further. "I can't help if I don't know what's wrong."
"I don't need help."
I sighed again. Tracy was making things difficult, but I knew I couldn't just leave her.
I heard a couple of the kids go past. "Do you want to go somewhere more private? It might be easier than in here."
Tracy shakily got to her feet, picking up a duster that I hadn't seen on the arm of the sofa. "I said I'm alright. I just need to finish the dusting."
It took all my willpower not to rip the duster from her hand. Instead I put my hand on her arm, giving it a squeeze.
Tracy flinched.
I stepped back, even more confused than ever. "Tracy?"
"Just let me get on with my job."
I was concerned now: Tracy had responded in pain to my touch, but as far as I was aware she didn't have any injuries. "What's wrong with your arm?"
"Nothing, I'm fine."
I sighed. "Show me."
Tracy continued the dusting.
"That was an order from your boss, Tracy. Show me your arm. I need to know if you're injured." I knew I was pushing my luck here, but I needed to know what was going on, and Tracy clearly wasn't going to show me any other way.
Tracy looked at me for a second, the shock on her face clear. I gave her a stern look.
"Fine!" she spat. "You really want to see?" She rolled her sleeve up and held her arm out towards me.
I just about held in a gasp.
Tracy's arm was littered with cuts. Neat lines ran down her wrist, with bigger marks towards the elbow. Some were scarred, others looked fairly recent. One of them had clearly been disturbed and was bleeding.
"Quiet room, now."
Tracy didn't even try to argue. She put down her duster and went towards the quiet room. I followed, stopping at the office on the way to grab the first aid kit.
We went in together, Tracy having waited to see what I was doing. She sat on the sofa and I sat next to her.
I noticed she'd pulled her sleeve back down. "At least let me bandage it first, hey? You don't want blood everywhere."
Tracy didn't move, but didn't fight me when I went to take her arm. I gently rolled her sleeve back up, disturbing another cut.
"Oh Trace."
I carefully wiped and bandaged her arm, being as gentle as I could. She winced every now and again.
"I know, I'm sorry."
Once I was finished I pulled her sleeve down over the bandage, then took her hand.
"Why Tracy?" I kept my voice as soft and level as possible, knowing that even a hint of frustration could lead to her bottling it up. "What's going on?"
Tracy was silent.
I gave her hand a squeeze.
Silence filled the room. All other noise faded away. I watched Tracy as she stared at the floor.
Eventually I sighed. "Would you like me to leave?"
To my surprise, Tracy shook her head.
"Do you want to talk?"
Another shake.
"Are we just going to sit here in silence?"
My question was answered by a tear landing in her lap.
I didn't know what to do. I was used to Tracy angry, dealing with that was easy. I'd seen her upset before of course, and I'd managed to help her through her panic attack a few months ago, though it had challenged me. This however was completely new.
"Do you remember when Cam went away?" I began.
Tracy nodded.
"What did you say was the way you should deal with being upset?"
"Talking." Tracy's voice was quiet, almost a whisper.
I gestured to her arm. "So why this?"
"Because you wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
Tracy paused for a moment. Then she shook her head. "You wouldn't understand."
"I can't understand if you don't give me anything to go off."
Suddenly Tracy turned to face me. "Look, just back off! I've said you wouldn't understand, and you won't! So just leave it!"
Before I could even think of an answer she was gone.
I went to the office, defeated. I'd pushed her too far. I needed her to open up to me, but I couldn't force her.
She came to join me about ten minutes later, walking past me and sitting at her desk. I could sense something was off.
Then it dawned on me. I went over to close the door, before I went over to her desk. "Show me."
She ignored me.
"Show me."
No response.
I sighed, going down to the floor so I wasn't towering over her. "Tracy, I want to help you. But if you're going to do it here, I need to make sure you're not putting the kids at risk."
"I wouldn't let the kids get hold of it. I'm not stupid."
It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but at least she was talking to me.
My mind began to work, trying to think if there was any way I could work out what was troubling her. "Work's been a lot lately, hasn't it? I know the kids have thrown some difficult things your way."
No response.
"Has Gina been on your case at all? I know she'd been on mine, she wasn't happy I let Dennis take over!"
No response.
"Isn't Cam supposed to be home soon? You must be really looking forward to it. I know I would be."
Tears sprang to her eyes.
My voice softened: I knew I was approaching the problem, and I needed to do it cautiously. "Trace? Why the tears?"
Defeated, she gave a shaky sigh. "She's not coming back."
This was unexpected. I tried as much as possible to hide my shock. "She's not?"
Tracy shook her head. "She's accepted a permanent contract."
My eyes widened. "Permanent?"
Tracy couldn't reply as the tears came.
I stood up and put my arm around her shoulders, holding her close. To my surprise she hugged me back tightly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "I could have helped."
"I thought I was ok." Tracy's voice was thick with tears, but I could just about make it out. "Then I started harming and..."
"And what?"
She gave a shaky sigh. "I didn't want you to have to see that."
I sighed too, patting her shoulder. More and more Tracy was showing herself to be someone to take the brunt of a problem to avoid hurting others. I hated the way she felt she needed to protect everyone. "I would have rather seen it before it got this far."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"It's ok. I know when we're struggling it can be hard to know the right thing to do."
Tracy sniffled.
"Does Cam know you're struggling? Have you said anything?"
Tracy shook her head. "I couldn't. It's such an opportunity for her, I can't take that away."
I sighed. "Tracy, I know Cam wouldn't want you giving up your happiness for her."
"I didn't mean to, I just, I want her to be happy."
"I know you do." I paused for a moment. "But you can't carry on like this."
Tracy didn't answer.
"Can I speak to her?"
Tracy looked up at me, slightly alarmed. "You want to talk to her?"
"I'd like to tell her what's going on, yes. I think it's important she's aware."
Tracy looked back down, seemingly not knowing what to say.
"I don't have to, not if you don't want me to," I said. "It's up to you."
There was more silence.
"I would like to see your arm though."
Tracy pulled her arm away from me and tucked it close to her body.
I sighed. "Trace, come on." I paused. "I need to check what you've done."
Tracy pulled away from me completely. "It's fine. I put the bandage over it."
"That's not what I asked."
"Just leave it!"
I knelt back down to her level. "No. I need to check you're ok."
"I'm not bleeding out, you can see I'm fine!"
"Tracy, I..."
I was interrupted by Tracy standing up and pushing past me. I stood up myself and tried to follow her, only to have the office door slammed in my face.
I sighed in frustration. Tracy clearly needed help, and she just wasn't letting me in.
I turned to head back to my desk when I spied her laptop, tucked away under her desk. I looked to the door to make sure I wasn't being watched, and then got it out. I'd told her it was up to her whether I spoke to Cam, but I had to do something.
I loaded it up and opened the video chat. Cam's name was at the top of the list of recent calls, and so I clicked her name. It only took a couple of rings before it was answered.
"Hi Tra... Mike?" The confusion on Cam's face was clear.
"Hi."
"What are you doing with Tracy's laptop?"
I sighed. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have taken it, but..." I sighed again. "Tracy needs our help."
"What's happened?" Cam's voice was full of concern.
"I found her earlier in the living room in tears, and then when I touched her arm she acted like it was injured. I asked her to show me, and she..." I exhaled. "She's been cutting."
Cam's eyes widened.
"It looks like it's been going on a while," I said sadly. "There were quite a few."
"I, I need to see her," said Cam. "Go and get her, please. I need to see her."
"I'll go and find her," I said.
I left the laptop and went to go and find Tracy. My first port of call was the bathroom.
I was right.
The girls' bathroom was locked, and when I knocked there was no answer.
"Tracy, are you in there?"
Silence.
"Tracy, I'm not leaving just because you won't answer." I paused. "If you don't let me in I'll have no choice but to break the door down."
"Just leave me alone!"
Tracy's voice was broken and full of tears. I'd never heard it like that before.
"Come out, now."
"Leave me alone!"
I sighed. I didn't want to tell her about Cam yet, as I knew that would only spook her.
I heard a noise of pain through the door.
"Tracy, please let me in." My voice was soft, but I could feel the lump in my throat.
" I can't." I heard the tap running, and a gasp of pain.
"Let me come and dress it at least."
The tap stopped, and then I heard the door being unlocked. I went in and locked it again behind me.
There was a deep cut on Tracy's arm.
"Go put it back under the water," I instructed, noting it was still bleeding. I got a bandage from the cupboard: we kept first aid supplies in here too for easy access. I then passed her a cloth. "Right, dry your arm, then I'll put this on."
Tracy dried her arm, carefully avoiding the cut. Then I applied the bandage, pressing on the pad to add some pressure and stop the bleeding. Tracy made a noise of pain.
"I know, I've got to try and stop it bleeding."
After a few moments I took her hand and placed it under mine, pushing it down slightly. "Now, keep that there."
Tracy did as she was told.
I looked to the sink and noticed the blade. I picked it up, and Tracy panicked.
"No, that's mine!"
I showed it to her, the blood on it clear. "You can't use the same one, you'll get an infection."
"I don't care."
"I do," I said. "Look, I'll find you another one."
"Please give it back."
I looked into Tracy's eyes and sighed, handing it over. "Promise you'll get rid of it once I give you a clean one?"
Tracy nodded.
"Right, what are you doing now?" I asked.
"I think Carmen and..."
"No, you're not working. You're either coming with me to the office or having a rest in the quiet room or the garden, or you can go and lie down if you want to."
Tracy sighed. "I'll go lie down."
"Just move my stuff, the staff bedroom is made up."
Tracy gave me a nod, before she left the room.
I went to go and get the laptop.
Cam was still there when I got back. "Mike? What took you so long? Where's Tracy?"
I sighed, picking up the laptop. "She did it again. I'm just going to take you up to her."
"Again?"
I nodded. I took Cam up the stairs and up to the staff bedroom. "I haven't told her I've spoken to you, so if you could just wait for a moment for me to check on her, then I'll tell her."
"Of course," said Cam. She looked anxious as I headed towards the door. I closed the laptop slightly and knocked.
Tracy called me in.
I cautiously opened the door, taking in her appearance. I placed the laptop down and knelt down next to the bed. "Just wanted to make sure you were ok."
"I'm fine."
I gave her a worried look. "You know you're not fine."
Tracy looked away from me.
I sighed. "I'm worried about you. And I know Cam will be too."
"Cam doesn't need to know."
I placed the laptop on her bed and opened it. Tracy refused to look.
"I already do, Trace."
Tracy pulled her sleeve up.
"Why didn't you tell me, Tracy?"
"I wanted you to be happy."
"I'm not happy if you're hurting."
"You weren't supposed to find out." Tracy sent an angry glare my way.
"Hey, I saw that." Cam gave Tracy a meaning look. "Don't be angry at Mike for trying to keep you safe."
Tracy looked to Cam, then to me. I gave her a small smile, the worry on my face clear. She looked away as tears came to her eyes.
"We just want to do what's best for you," said Cam. "And if that means me coming back and getting a job locally I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with being in America and watching you do this to yourself."
"Then I'll stop," said Tracy. She reached into her pocket and took out her blade. "Mike can have this." She passed me the item.
I took her hand as she placed it in mine. "Tracy, it doesn't work like that. I'm happy to have this, but just saying you'll stop doesn't mean that's it."
"If I don't have anything to hurt myself with then I can't hurt myself."
I sighed. "There was a kid here after you'd left. She gave everything she was using to a teacher, who wouldn't give them back. I found her after she'd poured a kettle on her arm."
Tracy's eyes widened.
"I'd rather you do it safely than do something like that."
Tracy sighed.
"If me coming home is going to make it easier, Tracy, then I'm happy to come back." Cam's voice came from the laptop. "There's no point you struggling when there's such an easy fix."
"But what about your contract? If you break it you won't be able to get another job."
Cam sighed. "I need to stay another month to finish my current contract. But I haven't actually signed the other one yet. Given how you reacted last time, I asked for a few weeks to think it over and see what happened. So there won't be any consequences for not staying, you don't need to worry about that."
More tears rose in Tracy's eyes. "You didn't sign, because of me?"
"Because I love you," said Cam. "Because we take steps to ensure we don't hurt the ones we love."
"When someone loves you, really loves you..." I trailed off to let Tracy remember what I'd told her last time.
"They won't go away." Tracy's voice was almost a whisper.
I gestured for her to come towards me. "They won't go away."
I brought Tracy into my arms, holding her close as her tears finally spilled over. She put her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder.
I heard the laptop beep, and looked over to see Cam had gone. I gave a small smile, knowing she had left to go and speak with her manager, to tell them she couldn't take the contract. I held Tracy tight, comforting her.
"We're right here, Tracy," I said gently. "Neither of us are going to go away. We both love you, and we always will."
Tracy sniffled. "I'm sorry for being angry. I know you've only been trying to help. I just didn't want to accept it."
I rubbed her back. "Don't worry, I understand. It's not always easy to accept help."
Tracy hugged me tighter.
We stayed like that for a while. I felt Tracy calm, her body relaxing, the tension fading.
Eventually I pushed her away slightly. "Sorry, my leg's going to sleep down here!"
Tracy gave a small laugh.
I stood up and stretched, before I joined her on the bed. "How're you feeling? How's your arm?"
"I think I feel ok." Tracy paused. "And it hurts. But it's my own fault."
"Hey, I didn't ask to make you feel bad," I said gently, "I asked because I wanted to know. It's not your fault."
"Then whose fault is it? I'm the one that dragged the blade across my arm!"
I put my hand on hers. "It's no one's fault. You're struggling, and that's ok. You don't have to get everything right all the time."
Tracy looked down to avoid my gaze.
Suddenly the laptop began to make a ringing noise. Tracy jumped up to answer it.
"Hi Cam."
"Hey." Cam looked around. "Is Mike still there?"
Tracy came to sit back next to me. I gave Cam a wave.
"I've just spoken to my boss," said Cam, a small smile on her face. "She's said I can come home."
"So you've only got one more month?" asked Tracy.
"Give or take, yes." There was a twinkle in Cam's eye, that I didn't think Tracy had noticed.
Tracy smiled, then she looked down at her arm. "I'm sorry. I did all this, and now you're coming back I feel ok."
Cam sighed. "You feel ok because I'm coming back. You didn't feel ok with me staying for so long." Tracy looked back at the screen, and Cam looked into her eyes. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Trace."
Tracy looked back down to her lap and nodded.
I pulled Tracy towards me, my arm around her shoulders. She leant on my side, some of the tenseness returning.
Cam watched her for a moment, then turned to me. She mouthed "I'm getting the next flight." I nodded and gave her a smile.
"I need to get back to work, Tracy," she said. "I'll call later, ok?"
Tracy looked up. "Ok. Talk later." She paused. "Love you."
Cam gave her a smile. "I love you too, Tracy."
Then the screen went blank.
I looked at my watch. It was later than I'd been expecting. "I think it might be time for bed. You need a good sleep after today."
Tracy took a shaky breath. "Ok, I'll head home. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Home?" I put my hand on her arm to stop her. "I thought you'd want to stay here."
"I haven't got any of my things, and the spare bedroom isn't made up."
I shook my head at her excuses. "I can sort the bed for you. And I've got some spare pyjamas here if you don't want to go home and get yours."
"You sure? You don't mind?"
I gave her a smile. "They'll be a bit big for you, but if course I don't mind." I got some pyjamas out of the drawer for her. "You get changed, I'll go and make the bed."
Tracy took the clothes off me, giving me a grateful smile.
I left to go and find some sheets.
Once the bed was made, I headed back up to check on Tracy. Entering the room I smiled: my pyjamas were far too big for her, almost smothering her tiny frame. At least she'd be more comfortable while she slept.
"The bed's all made for you."
My eyes flicked briefly to her arm, thankfully the bandage was covering the worst of her injuries. I thought of Cam's words of her plan earlier, and smiled, knowing Tracy would soon be safe.
"Thank you." Tracy picked up her pile of clothes, carefully using them to cover her bandage. She then made her way out of the door.
I followed her to the spare bedroom. Once there she placed her clothes on a chair, then got into bed, laying down and pulling the duvet over her.
I sat on the bed next to her and gently lifted my hand to her hair, using my thumb to stroke her forehead. "Go to sleep, Trace. Everything will be better in the morning."
"Will it?"
"A good night's sleep always makes everything a little easier."
Tracy gave a small smile, before closing her eyes. I stayed with her for a few minutes more, continuing to stroke her hair to soothe her. When I was sure she was asleep I quietly got up, whispered "Night night" and went to go and put the rest of the kids to bed.
Tracy came down to the office the next morning.
"Did you sleep well?" I asked as she went to sit at her desk.
"Yeah, I did actually." She smiled. "You?"
"Yeah, fairly well." In reality I had been up in the night, periodically checking in with Tracy, and a message from Cam had woken me at around 6:00 as she'd landed in the UK. But Tracy didn't need to know that.
It was 10:00 now: I'd allowed Tracy to sleep in, knowing she'd need it. Cam would be here in only a couple of hours.
"I was thinking, Tracy."
Tracy lifted her head from the paperwork she had started.
"There's this thing called the Butterfly Project. It's meant to help with self harm."
"How does it work?"
"Well, you draw a butterfly on, and you have to avoid harming until it fades naturally. If you harm before it fades you kill it, if you manage not to you set it free."
"Do you think it might help me?"
I shrugged. "It's worth a try, surely." I paused for a moment. "I've also read in the past about others drawing on butterflies, and they need extra special care."
Tracy seemed to think for a moment. "You want to draw one?"
"If you'll let me."
Tracy gave me a smile. "Of course."
I picked up a marker from my desk and went over to her. Carefully avoiding any cuts that were still healing, I drew a small butterfly, then wrote a small M next to it.
"Now you'll think of keeping safe for me whenever you see it."
Tracy smiled, before taking the pen off me. She drew her own, and signed it with a T.
"There, now you've got two to keep safe," I said, putting the lid back on the pen. "It's ok if you can't, but it would make me really proud of you could."
"I'll try my best."
"That's all I ask."
Tracy looked at the butterflies, seeming to calm, before she pulled her sleeve back up. She began to get on with some paperwork, and I went to go and do some chores around the house. I made sure to take my phone with me, knowing I needed to be ready to receive a very special text...
A little while later, there was a knock at the door.
I was back in the office, having received a message a few minutes ago that Cam would be arriving at Elm Tree. Tracy was still on her paperwork, her desk a mess of forms and files.
"Tracy, would you get the door please?"
Tracy got up and went to answer it. I followed, wanting to see her reaction.
She opened the door then stood there, in complete shock. I watched as Cam scooped her up and lifted her into her arms. Tracy settled into them.
As Cam put her down she eventually found her voice. "But, I thought, you, you're not meant to be back yet."
"The boss said I could end my contract early," said Cam, still not letting go of Tracy. "I didn't want to leave you any longer than I had to."
"But your job..."
Cam squeezed her tight. "Tracy, I don't care about the job. I care about you. And if you need me back then I'm here."
Tracy rested her head on Cam's shoulder, closing her eyes. She took a deep breath and then a long exhale, clearly far more relaxed now Cam was with her.
I went over and put my hand on Cam's back. "Come on, in you come. You can go to the quiet room." I chuckled slightly as they made their way through, as Tracy refused to let go of Cam.
Suddenly she turned to me. "Can I have the pen?"
I was puzzled for a moment, before I remembered the butterfly drawing earlier. "Of course." I went into the office to fetch it, then handed it to her.
She gave me a smile before leading Cam into the quiet room.
I held back, deciding to give them a few minutes to themselves. Instead I went down to the kitchen to make some cups of tea. Once they were ready I headed back to the quiet room.
"How're we doing?" I asked, placing the mugs down on the table, and taking a seat on the sofa opposite them.
"Cam drew a butterfly." Tracy held her arm to show me. A small butterfly joined the first two, along with a C.
Cam gave me a look, full of worry and sadness.
I gave Tracy a smile. "That's great."
Tracy sighed. "You don't have to pretend. I know it's hurt you both. And I'm really sorry."
I went to speak, but Cam beat me to it. "You don't need to apologise, Tracy. We hate seeing it because we hate seeing you hurting, because we love you. We want you to be better so you can go back to being the Tracy we all know."
"We want it for your sake Tracy, not ours," I added. "It's doesn't matter to us that it hurts us, we just don't want it to hurt you."
Tracy nodded, though I could see tears coming to her eyes.
Cam put her arm around her and pulled her close.
I joined them on the sofa, putting an arm around Tracy too. She snuggled into Cam, but seemed to appreciate me being there too.
"I'm happy to keep drawing butterflies, Tracy, if it helps," said Cam. "I'd much rather do that than have to dig out our first aid kit."
"It's in my room. I had to get it out already."
Cam sighed. "You know what I meant."
Tracy nodded.
"I agree," I said. "Butterflies sound good."
Tracy rolled up her sleeve to see the drawings we'd already done. She traced her finger around each, before pulling her sleeve back up. She relaxed onto Cam, putting her arms around her.
I waited until she was settled, before I spoke. "Did you want to go home? Gina and I can hold things here for today, and I think it would do you both good to have a break today."
Cam gave me a smile, while Tracy turned to me. She hugged me tightly. "Thank you."
I smiled, knowing I didn't have to ask why. "You're welcome, Trace."
Tracy hugged me for a moment more, before she pulled away. I gave her another smile, then she and Cam got up.
"Right, I've already put my things in the car," said Cam, "so we can be off."
"I'll see you tomorrow then, Tracy," I said. I put my hand on her shoulder. "Ring me if you need me, yeah? I'm only at the end of the phone."
She gave me a smile. "I will do."
I smiled back, before I let her go. Cam put her arm around her shoulders, then looked back to me.
"Bye Mike. And, thank you."
I nodded an acknowledgement.
"Come on then, let's get you home." Cam started a conversation with Tracy as they walked out of the door. "We don't have to do anything when we get back, we can just rest and..."
Cam's voice faded as they got to the car, and I closed the door behind me.
I sighed as a wave of relief washed over me. Tracy was safe, and I was certain she would be able to recover with our support. I knew the journey wasn't over, that Cam coming home wasn't immediately going to solve everything, but I was finally able to relax. I made my way back to the office and took a moment just to process.
After a few moments I spotted the pen we'd used for the butterflies, and seeing a post-it note I drew another, adding an X as a kiss in the corner of the page. I peeled it off and stuck it on Tracy's desk, knowing she'd see it when she next came in.
I was brought out of my thoughts by Gina coming in.
"Such a nice day out there today," she said. "My plants are covered in butterflies."
I chuckled, turning to look out of the window. I could see one, hovering on a nearby leaf. "They're everywhere at the moment."
I glanced back over to the post-it note briefly, then turned back to Gina.
"Absolutely everywhere."
Gina looked puzzled for a moment, before she shook her head. She went over to her desk.
I turned back to the butterfly outside the window, and watched as it flew away, up into the blue sky, fluttering its wings as it went.
I smiled, the creature filling a certainty in my heart.
Tracy was going to be ok.
A/N First time I've written something like this. I was inspired by "No Words" by sophiejane.xox, her story was so good, and I wanted to share my own. I've struggled on and off with self harm, and I know my experience is atypical, but I hope this story can provide at least some awareness, and hope to anyone who needs it. I also have to mention the cover picture is a little butterfly temporary tattoo I got sent by Linneagb when I was struggling, there was a little envelope with like 50 of them in, and she's honestly so sweet. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this, please review :)