Chapter 4: Lost

"So wake me up when it's all over / When I'm wiser and I'm older / All this time I was finding myself, and I / Didn't know I was lost"

'Wake Me Up' by Avicii

A/N: I didn't intend to take so much time away from writing this chapter, but I'm so glad that I've finally finished it. Let me know what you thought!

Jake Reilly was not one to get unnecessarily worked up. He prided himself on being a calm person, as someone who could do so no matter what the circumstances were. His job, even being remote given the current situation, relied on it. Even before the pandemic, he was known around the office as one of the calmer doctors. But as he stared at the note Addison had left, he felt his calm composure start to leave him.

Rationally, it made no sense. Why would she leave him a note instead of just telling him she was needed outside of LA? He read the note over and over, trying to figure her out.

Jake,

I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark. Something's come up. I'll be back soon. Give Henry my love.

Addison

What had come up? Why couldn't she just tell him? Why was all of this done in the dead of night? Or had it been? He hadn't messaged her at all yesterday after her texts about dropping Henry off tonight, so maybe she'd left yesterday? He knew he was missing something. He let his mind wander to yesterday's meeting.

Despite attempting to keep her focus on the meeting, long before the first call had to be silenced, Addison's mind clearly wasn't on the meeting. She hadn't been focused on the practice for months now, and he hated not knowing why. It wasn't because he had some constant need to know, rather it was because he wanted to help her with whatever was troubling her. He'd taken in her glazed-over eyes, a far away look in them, and had the thought to ask her about it then and there. Instead, her phone had blared again, loudly, and he frowned. Who would continuously call her over and over until the call went through? Addison had been startled out of her thoughts, immediately grabbing the device, but the confusion on her face at the interruption fled when she saw the caller ID. She went white and immediately shut off her camera and audio. And that was that. In the 10 minutes it had taken before she'd turned her camera and microphone back on, she'd sent the group a chat saying that she'd need a minute, that something had come up. But he knew when she'd turned everything back on and rejoined that something had happened. There was this look in her eyes, and even before she began speaking again, he knew she was shaken.

In the near decade since he'd known her, her being quiet and reserved wasn't something he was used to seeing. Though their marriage ended amicably nearly 6 years ago, he still cared about her. So, as Sam and Charlotte gave their final reports and the meeting ended, he waited a minute or two after everyone else had disconnected.

"Addie." It was a nickname he rarely used, but she looked up at the screen, startled he was still there.

"Jake, what is it?"

"Are you okay?" And it was a question he'd been wanting to ask for months now. Since the first time he noticed her attention on something outside of LA and the practice.

"Fine," He wished he believed her, but her voice shook just a fraction too much. Before he could ask something else, her phone started to ring again. For a moment, she was like her normal self, "I've gotta go. Consult."

And then she was gone. He'd wondered if there had actually been a consult, or if it was just another lie that Addison was spinning. A few hours later, she'd texted him about keeping Henry, and he'd agreed. He'd wanted to call her on it then, still feeling that something was off, but he hadn't. And now, with the addition of the note, he felt that maybe her lying wasn't that wrong of an assumption. But why? What was she keeping? And where the hell had she gone? That was what he was trying to figure out. Something wasn't adding up right, and he needed to figure out what it was. For Henry's sake, if for no one else's.

After the fifth call from Charlotte, Addison switched off her cellular service. Really, it was ridiculous. Obviously, her family in LA knew she was gone, and all she was doing was worrying them further. But she couldn't help it. All they would do was ask where she was, and she couldn't justify why she had fled to a hotel in San Diego. A part of her longed to go to Seattle, to sit beside Meredith, to hold her hand, to be there when she eventually woke up. But there was the other part of her that was scared out of her mind that she'd lose Meredith, and she couldn't be there when it happened. Besides, what if she did answer another call and it was bad news? What if she did answer and she found out that Meredith was dead? God, no, she couldn't bear the thought, wouldn't be able to handle it. So, this was for the best. And yes, she'd told Jake she'd be back soon but she knew it was a lie. She needed time to herself, to convince herself that everything would be okay, even if she had no idea how long that would be. Even if the last call Amelia had made was her calling to confirm that Meredith was being put on a ventilator.

So, to pacify herself, she pulled up her phone's photo album, poured herself a glass of wine, and settled herself under the sheets on the bed. She had a lot of photos of Meredith stored on her phone, all from various family and friends. From Mark and Lexie's wedding, which she'd attended as well. There were a few from Winston and Maggie's engagement party. There were photos of Meredith holding her niece and nephews, her eyes so full of love as she looked down at Ethan, Suzie and Scout. The amount of love as she looked at her own kids, Zola, Bailey and Ellis all vying for her attention at once, some of her and the kids individually. She looked so happy surrounded by her family, and her heart clenched the longer she scrolled. She even had a few photos from various hospital events, Meredith looking absolutely stunning. There was one of her and Meredith from Mark and Lexie's wedding, both of their eyes sparkling with happiness as they'd chatted about something she couldn't recall. She wasn't sure who'd captured the shot, only grateful that the person had. She stared at the picture for a long time, imagining that things could be different, that Meredith hadn't been there with Derek, that she hadn't been so recently divorced, that maybe they could've been there together.

She thought of her waking up that first time, after two months in a coma, how much relief she'd felt, and then shifted abruptly to the idea of her never waking up again. The mortality rate after being put on the vent was absolutely horrible, and she was terrified; she couldn't help but be. What if she never saw her smile again? God, no, she couldn't bear it. She needed Meredith to survive this.

Ever since she'd told Addison yesterday about Mer being put on a vent, Amelia had been restless. It felt like this was the end, that Meredith could very well die. She thought of how ridiculous the thought was, of how much Meredith had survived so far, of how she had to stay positive for the kids' sakes, but her mind turned dark all the same. She needed Meredith to survive, and in order to stay positive, she needed Addison to reassure her in a way Lexie and Maggie couldn't. Except Addison's phone kept going to voicemail, and she was getting frustrated. It wasn't like her at all, especially when she'd said to call or text her any time. She didn't want to think about it too hard. Maybe she had a patient; in all likelihood, she was stuck in surgery. Besides, as surgeons, it wasn't like they could afford to have their phones in their hands constantly. But still, it was unsettling. When Addison's phone went to voicemail for the third time, she didn't bother leaving a message. Instead, she sighed and hung up, dialing the only other person in LA that she could rely on.

Charlotte's voice was an angry hiss, a low whispery sound, "Well, it's about time!"

Amelia was startled by the anger in her voice, confusion coating her words, "About time?"

"Amelia?"

"Charlotte?" she countered, "Is everything okay?"

A voice from behind Charlotte came just as quietly as the blonde had spoken, and she immediately recognized the person as Naomi, "Is it Addie?" Her worry about Addison not answering her phone grew.

Charlotte asked before she could, "Did Montgomery make it to Seattle okay? She kinda just left sometime between yesterday afternoon and tonight, and she hasn't responded to any of us. I've got Henry asleep on my lap, and we're all just camped at her house right now."

Amelia wasn't sure which emotion came over her first, only that she was forcing the words from her throat, attempting to keep her voice measured, "She never told me she was coming. I haven't seen her."

Maggie could tell that something had happened. It wasn't even that Amelia looked any different than this morning, rather that she seemed off. And sure, maybe Amelia could try to brush it off as fatigue, but she knew something was wrong. She was just standing there, staring into Meredith's room, but when she looked, all she saw was Meredith, the vent, a nurse writing down her vitals for the hour.

"Amelia?" Dazed blue eyes shot up and connected with her, "What is it? Did you get a hold of Addison?"

"No," Amelia's voice wobbled, and it sent a pang of worry through her. Despite not knowing Addison at all – having just heard snippets of conversations between the redhead in LA and Mark, Meredith and most recently Amelia – she was worried for the other woman. Amelia was relying on Addison to be her lifeline in all of this, everyone knew it, so if Addison somehow had contracted the virus too, then she was worried.

"What happened?"

Amelia took a shuddering breath that may have well been a sob, "She's gone. No one in LA knows where she went. I told her yesterday that Mer was on a vent, and now she's gone, and they thought she was maybe coming here, but she's not here and –"

Maggie was not good with this kind of stuff, but Amelia was going to start hyperventilating.

"Okay, slow down," She carefully placed her hands on Amelia's shoulders, guiding her away from Meredith's hospital room, "Slow breaths, that's right. It's okay."

"It's not," Amelia gasped, "It's not."

"Keep breathing," she instructed, "nice and slow. It's going to be okay, Amelia."

And whether Amelia believed her or not, she wasn't sure, but she was glad when her sister started to slow her breathing, slowly coming down from what she was sure was going to be a panic attack.

They say that grief comes in waves. Addison had no reason to dispute that claim, having experienced it herself. Her mother would call her dramatic for leaving as she had, but then again, her mother had downed a bottle of pills and left a suicide note to follow her secret lover turned wife through Death's door. As she poured another glass of wine, swirling it gently, she idly wondered if she would do the same as her mother. If Meredith died — God, she shuddered at the thought — would she allow herself to become exactly like her mother for a woman who didn't even know she loved her? Meredith would probably throttle her in the afterlife. Hell, even if she knew about her feelings, she'd throttle her. Besides, Derek was there and — no, no, she refused to let her mind wander to their mutual dead husband.

Instead, she found her thoughts back on the blonde Attending. She wondered how long Death would allow Meredith to keep a foot on its doorstep before finally pulling her through. How many times did this make now, with Meredith left dangling on a string between life and death, waiting for Life to pull her back over? Surely, Death would get bored of this back and forth.

She glanced at her phone, perched beside the lamp in the room — where she'd set it when it eventually died — and considered plugging it in to charge. No, no, it would still be too soon. If Meredith had passed — no, she just needed a little more time. That was all. A little more time and she could face the reality if Meredith had died while she was away.

She glanced at the glass in her hand and grabbed the bottle instead, taking a long swig.

It was warm, far too warm for the hotel room. Addison forced her eyes open, blinking at the sunlight as it hit her face as she sat up slowly. She took a moment to collect herself before standing, looking around. The breeze felt nice as it wafted slowly through her hair, tickling her skin. The waves crashed gently against a few larger rocks. She knew she was dreaming. Everything felt far too real for it to not be. She had no hangover, no obvious signs of impairment. So, yes, she was definitely dreaming. But a beach? She lived on a beach, so this was really —

"Addison?"

Her heart stuttered in her chest at the voice, and she turned on instinct. Clothed in white, much like she was, golden hair cascading down her back, there stood her reason for fleeing LA when Amelia had called her the day prior.

"Meredith?"

A/N: Cliffffffhanger :p Please review!