You want to know something?

The thing that burned the most was the damned irony of it.

Ever since I'd arrived on Thedas, three, going on four years ago now, I'd been absolutely determined to never tell anyone where I was really from. I had lied about my past more times than I could count, had told nearly as many half-truths. Once in a great while I had broken down. I'd told Varric about the fate of one of my brothers. Had told Merrill and Hawke more than that about my family.

But I'd said nothing else. Had never intended to say anything else. I'd intended to do what good I could while I was here, to do what I had to in order to survive, and then to get home as soon as I possibly could.

Yet now, years into my stay, I'd finally broken. I'd realized I cared too much about Merrill to leave her in ignorance. To keep telling her things that just weren't true. I wasn't going to sleep with her, wasn't going to love her, while also deceiving her about where I was really from.

I'd finally decided to make that plunge...

...and I fucking couldn't.

I literally could not force the words out of my mouth. I could not even put pen to paper in any language besides English, and even then I could only be oblique about it. Could only imply, as I realized I'd done in my old entries. As soon as I had the intent to even try to write in Trade, or to be perfectly clear in what I was saying in English, I started to seize up. My throat and belly filled with blood, my tears came away red, and I stopped being able to breathe. God, I'd even tried to write it down in the Fade, with the idea of letting Merrill read it in her dreams.

I'd woken up choking in my bed, Longing screaming in my ear.

Long story short?

The time between that first shitty night, and the time we left, I spend in an incredibly dark mood. I barely interacted with my friends, did the bare minimum of planning for the trip to the Chateau, and wasn't nearly as gentle as I should have been when I'd told Merril she was staying behind.

I was pretty sure I'd genuinely hurt her with that one. I was still sure it was the right call; the others would be hard pressed to keep me safe, much less the pair of us. I also was positive that my self control was in tatters, and that I'd have done something incredibly stupid if she'd come with. Something that would have lead to her heart being broken later whenever Longing and I figured out what was going on with me.

But I should have done it in a better way than I had.

Varric had clearly thought as much, so had Brennan. They'd both growled at me a bit when it had come time to leave, but they'd been gentler about it than I'd expected. I think they were all holding out hope that getting out of the city for a while would improve my mood.

Part of me hoped so too, but the first few days hadn't seen much of a change. Part of that was because riding in a carriage for travel is really fucking boring. At least for me. Even years into my stay on Thedas and I still had an Earthling's need for stimulation, and sitting around in a slow moving cart made me miss having a phone something fierce.

Varric sitting across from me, trying to engage me in conversation, hadn't really helped either. I'd lasted a single day before I'd refused to get into the thing, riding on my cantankerous pony instead.

Of course that just traded an exasperated Varric for a frantic Trevelyan. The poor girl was taking Meredith's orders to make me relax to heart. That I was refusing to stay in the comfortable carriage was bad enough, but I was also refusing to stay at the roadside inns. I wasn't in any mood to deal with racist inn-keepers or merchants, so camping outside it was.

The girl's hovering seemed to amuse most of the others, even if I was merely tolerating it. Not because I really enjoyed her playing the worried parent, but... well, because I simply didn't have the energy to drive her off.

I didn't have the energy for much, those days. I didn't really respond to her, just as I rarely said anything to the others. I tuned out Varric's stories, barely listened to Thrask talking about his wife and daughter. Instead I just... rode, and tried to make any sense of what was going on in my life. With my magic, with my memories.

I didn't make much headway.

How could I? Longing had no idea. I had no idea. Merrill had no idea. Anders' rough theory seemed less plausible the more that I chewed on it, but it was literally the only thing any of us had come up with.

Longing had triple-checked, confirming that I had no other tethers, no markers on my soul. She did, however, admit that my magic had been wildly unstable when she'd first found me, not long after my arrival. That something had torn into my soul and fucked around with it. At the time she'd assume it had been to do with me being yanked between realities, but now she wasn't so sure.

Unfortunately that damage had 'healed' long ago, covering up whatever had been done.

Maybe Wisdom might have known something, but apparently Solas was still lurking near that Elder, and the pair of them had summoned Longing for a few answers about the noise my Dream-Catchers were making. Longing hadn't answered, and had suffered for it.

Seeing her in that much pain had... hurt me too. She was weird, and a spirit, and could eat me if she wanted, and all of that, but she was still the only confident I had. The only person who knew everything about me, or most things. The only one who apparently could, besides a man I hated.

I'd let her summon up a dream of a Steelers game the night before we'd left. A memory of the last time my whole family had been together, before my father had been arrested. Before my brother had vanished. Before my mother had proven her uselessness.

I'd let her feast on my longing for home. It had helped her patch up some of the damage, even if it had left me utterly morose in the aftermath.

Morose, defeated, struggling to make sense of anything... and failing with every slow mile that passed between Kirkwall and the Chateau where a whole new crisis was awaiting us.

By day four of the trip I was still riding my pony, and not all hiding how fucked up I was.

It was around then that Meredith's squire finally couldn't take it anymore, riding up to join me a dozen or so yards ahead of the carriage. Thrask was driving the thing today, while Brennan and Varric lounged inside. Well, Brennan was lounging, Varric was scribbling away on some new idea he'd had.

We'd been offered some of Dumar's servants, along with the diplomatic couch. We'd turned down the former, and I'd been set to turn down the latter if not for Meredith telling me to take the thing and relax.

"Lady." Trevelyan said as she came along beside me, her far larger horse and her own height leaving her looking down at me. "Please get back in the carriage, just for the afternoon. I can't tell the Knight-Commander you rode your horse the entire way. Not when you're supposed to be recovering."

I snorted, rolling my neck and shoulders to loosen them up a bit. "I rode in that contraption for long enough. It's boring in there."

"You were in there for barely a... ugh." The potential Herald of Andraste made a passable imitation of Cassandra, apparently giving up. For now, at least. I knew better than to think the stubborn girl really had.

"It's not all that interesting out here either. " She went on instead. "It's a road near Kirkwall. We have mountains to our right, the sea to our left, and a few rocks in between. You could at least be sitting on the top with Ser Thrask."

"True, but at least out here I have to focus on controlling this death beast." I replied, ruffling my pony's mane to let him know I only sort-of meant it. "That's better than listening to Varric write for hours on end. And besides, now Brennan owes me for getting to stretch out on the padded bench. Bet you a silver she's already napping."

"No bet, lady." Trevelyan shook her head. "And I suppose it is rather nice out for once. Spring is well and truly here."

I nodded in agreement, feeling rather thankful for that as well. Winter had lasted longer than usual this year, at least compared to the prior two years, but it was finally warming up. As a bonus endless rain had begun to taper off as well.

I just wished I was in a good enough mood to actually enjoy it.

I was also hoping that Trevelyan would have given up at that point. Let us ride in silence. I should have known better; the girl was stubborn as hell.

"Are we staying at the inn tonight?" She asked next. "You should have a proper bed and real meal. Camping as we have been isn't helping your recovery, you're still dreadfully pale."

I couldn't stop a groan. "Would you please stop it with that?"

She got defensive at once. "I have my orders and I intend to fulfill them. I'm telling the Knight-Lieutenant we're sleeping indoors tonight."

"No. I hate those damned inns, we'll stay-"

A yank on the reigns had her horse wheel around obediently, trotting back before I could finish telling her we were not staying in a glorified shack. Glowering at her back over my shoulder, I huffed once, then gave my own mount a bit of kick. He let out a little noise of his own, picking up the pace, apparently content to carry me further away from the others.

"Petulant? Me? Never." I groused to him as we moved along at a faster trot. "Honestly, what is she talking about? I'm not any paler than usual. I just look it because I'm not on a ship's deck up north anymore."

The pony didn't reply. Probably a good thing, considering what that might have meant in Thedas.

That left me with little to do besides continuing to grumble to myself, and do a bit glowering ahead as well.

I was just trying to get started on my latest round of 'what the fuck is wrong with my brain' when I heard the sound of a horse galloping up behind. My scowl was settled back into place just as Trevelyan returned, the girl skillfully slowing her beast just as it came alongside my own once more.

"You shouldn't be alone." She complained. "Honestly, lady. It's like you want to be attacked. Or do you just want to be miserable and alone without your friends around you?"

My eyes flicked to her, lips pressing into an even thinner line.

The girl swallowed, clearly cowed by my expression, but summoned up her courage enough to say. "Please. Just come back and ride in the carriage."

My scowl deepened before I turned away, "I'm going to be even more miserable trapped in that damned thing. At least out here I can ride ahead on my own."

It was a hint that she completely ignored.

"But we could help you!" She insisted, with the confidence only a teenager or child could truly show. "You're not alone, lady. Please. I'm... I'm not asking you to fake being happy, but please stop riding away like this. Stop laying out in the grass at night, staring at the stars like... like it's going to be the last time you see them."

Jesus. Is that what she was so worried about? "I'm not suicidal."

"You're acting like it!" She blurted out. "Maker! Every... every morning I find your sleeping roll empty I'm terrified you've thrown yourself into the sea! I don't calm down until I find wherever you've gone to watch the sunrise, and that is scaring me too!"

I sighed, repeating myself more quietly. "I'm not suicidal, little one."

"I-wait." Brown eyes blinked rapidly. "Little one?"

My shoulders rose and fell, "Trying my hand at the nicknaming thing. It seemed appropriate for you."

"I'm taller than you!" A pause. "And the Deshyr's nicknames are all one word!"

"My nickname, my rules." I replied. "And it was rather rude of you to grow taller than me, little one."

"You..." She tried to growl at me, then stopped herself. A frown took over her face, only to be quickly followed by her eyes widening. "You're distracting me!"

I shrugged again. "Pretty much. I really don't want to talk about it, little one."

"But..."

I was already shaking my head, speaking again. "Evelyn, no. You can't help me. No one can. Not when I literally can't talk about what's bothering me without having a seizure."

The girl winced. "I... I know. I'm sorry, I just... I'm sorry."

Her dejected tone punctured my anger, deflating it. Leaving me with nothing but exhausted bitterness behind. "Not your fault. None of this is."

The Templar Squire nodded without any particular enthusiasm. "I know, but I still feel for you. You just... it seems like you give so much for your people. You do so much. But you're so... you're so tired. Always so tired. I worry about you."

More exhaustion. More guilt.

"Don't." I said quietly. "You're fifteen, Evelyn. You've got a long life ahead of you. A good one, God willing. Don't spend your days worrying about me."

"My faith says I must." She replied, spine straightening, some deep rooted pride making her chin lift. "As Andraste cared for others, so shall I as her loyal follower. Or else I shall not be able to look her in the eye when I meet my Maker and His Bride."

I sighed, wishing that there was enough left of me to be moved by that. "I know, but you can't help me, little one."

"I can." She insisted, as only a teenager could. "I'll find a way, just like Merrill and Fiolya. And Ser Thrask and Captain Evighan. I... I'll think of something that will help. That will make you like being in Thedas as long as you're here."

My eyes closed, head shaking once.

"I... next winter I'll go with you." She volunteered. "I'll learn to fight on a ship. The Knight-Commander would approve! I can escort you while you look for a passage north!"

Another sigh, my eyes opening to watch the road once again. "I can't get home by sailing, Evelyn. The only thing we do up north is kill Tevinter slavers, or Qunari fanatics. I'm getting tired of both. I'm not planning on going back up there with Isabella."

"Then... what is your plan, lady?"

"To help Meredith deal with the Qunari in the city." I answered tiredly. "Then to make my excuses and leave again. I'll find a place to lay low for a while. Try and recover my balance."

Trevelyan glanced at me, looking so incredibly sad that I couldn't do more than glance at her before I had to look away.

"Maeve." She said quietly. "Please don't leave again. Please stay. I know Kirkwall's not your home, but... but it could be. You know it could be. You're a Knight, a noble. The Knight-Commander thinks of you like a daughter. You... you could have lands. A nice estate. You could relax here, with your friends."

"Heh." The quiet chortle was bitter. "Little one, if I had an estate it would be burned to the ground by a mob within a month and you know it."

Her eyes seemed to flash. "It would not be! No one would dare!"

Of course they would. All right, it might have taken more than a month. It may take until Meredith officially retired, but sooner or later the nobles and the commons alike would come for me. Assuming that the Qunari didn't make a move first. Or any of the other enemies I've made.

"Would to." I countered. "How much of a bounty do the Gallows' Mages still have on my head?"

I saw her mouth start to open, then snap shut. Her teeth actually ground, making her look very much like a miniature Meredith before she finally said. "I don't know, but... they do still hate you. I know that for sure."

My left hand waved tiredly in a there-you-go gesture. "And don't say I should take Meredith's offer of land outside of the city. All that would do is add the rural nobles to my list of problems, and Elowen's in agreement on that. We're not going to accept moving the Alieange."

"Then stay there." She suggested. "The Alienage, I mean. Like you used to. Or with the Deshyr still. Maker Above, there are spare quarters for visiting Seekers in the Gallows. The Knight-Commander would let you stay there as long as you wanted."

I turned, giving her the absolute flattest look that I could. "Me. In the Gallows."

Trevelyan colored at once. "I... I didn't mean it like that."

"...don't ever play cards." I turned away again. "I'm surprised you never asked about it though."

"I... I didn't want to think it." Her admission was quiet. "I thought I was wrong, but... I woke up near midnight while you were still sleeping. I touched your skin to check and... and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

I shrugged. "I figured you already knew."

"I didn't."

"Now you do." I went on as if she hadn't spoken. "What are you going to do about it?"

There was no hesitation to her reply. "To do whatever I can to help you."

"Little one..." I sighed.

She leaned forward, the better to force me to look at her. "I mean it! I... you deserve nothing less, for what you've done for the city, for your people. For what you've lost. And if Ser Thrask and Ser Emeric think you've got your magic under control, then I won't say anything about it either. I swear it."

Well. There was that, I supposed.

"I'll start by making you dinner tonight." Trevelyan declared. "And taking care of your armor for you, since Fiolya isn't here."

"Little one..."

"I will tell the Knight-Commander you refused to relax." She finally brought out the big guns. "That you ate nothing but bread and sweets."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes, but said nothing back.

That time she finally took the hint, quieting down. She still stayed right next to me, easily keeping her horse at the slower pace of the pony, apparently determined not to leave me alone for even a moment longer.

We rode like that through the afternoon, following the winding road ever farther to the west. Sometime in the early evening we finally caught sight of the intersection we'd been looking for; the marker where you could either continue west, to eventually reach Nevarra, or turn north, to the old fortress of Chateau Haine

Taking that right turn, we went on for a half mile uphill before sighting a massive inn sitting atop a small cliff. They'd probably built it this far back to avoid any risk of water damage from how close the road followed the Waking Sea.

I was musing on that when I noticed that we weren't the only ones deciding to call it an early day. A trio of horses were just a bit ahead of us, approaching the tavern. I wouldn't have thought anything of it, dismissed them as fellow invitees... but one of them had a shock of red hair, visible even at a distance.

"Hold up." I motioned for the girl to slow to a stop, frowning ahead.

Trevelyan was a young girl, but she was still a Templar squire. She read my expression, halted her horse at once, and got her game-face on. "Threats?"

"Maybe." I narrowed my eyes, watching the three ride on. "The one on the right. Spear or staff on her back, I think."

She'd already locked onto them as well, nodding once. "Agreed. Mage?"

"Maybe." I repeated, feeling my heart beginning to speed up for the first time in a week. Felt my brain dragging its way out of the mud to work on a problem it knew how to handle.

Maybe I was just being paranoid. Fuck, I probably was, but maybe that was Tallis just ahead. If so, I needed to know for sure, and I needed to know who the hell she was using as a patsy to get into the Chateau.

"Go back." I ordered. "Tell Thrask and the others. You all will head right up to the front door, be loud and obvious. I'll follow behind the carriage, use it for cover, then I'm going to slip around to the back and see what I can find out."

She glanced to me. "Is that safe? For either group?"

"If that's who I think it is, I doubt they'll start a brawl in an inn." I said. "Tell Varric to handle the talking, and that I'm not to be mentioned. If I get into trouble, feel free to come running."

"How will we know?"

"I'll set everything around me on fire." I said bluntly. "Trust me. I'm not subtle when I cut loose."

The girl paled a little. "Oh. Um, right. Sorry, I'm... going to have to get used to that, aren't I?"

"Not really. I rarely use it." I waved. "Go, little one. We'll talk about that later, now that you're a member of our conspiracy."

"Yes, Lady."

She wheeled her mount around, quickly heading back to the carriage. I didn't watch her go, instead carefully nudging my own to the right, getting off the road, staring ahead to see if the trio turned around. It was hard to tell at this distance, but I didn't think any of them looked back before I was hidden behind some rocks.

Before Thrask rolled by nodding without looking at me, leaving me to carefully guide the pony back out behind the carriage's bulk.

Varric immediately poked his head out of the back window, "Who is it?"

"Not sure." I lied. "Maybe a mage, and that's got me paranoid. Wondering if anyone from Tevinter is showing up to this thing."

He grimaced, nodding. "I'll see what I can find out. Don't think they'll start anything with two Templars with though."

I was shaking my head before he was halfway through. "Be careful, Varric. Most mages from Tevinter don't actually know what southern Templars can do to a mage. The ones in Tevinter are glorified bodyguards, they don't have the same talents."

"Good to know." He said. "You be careful too, Buzz."

"I will." I promised.

Giving me a final nod, he ducked back inside, probably to get himself ready. I did the same, dismounting before quickly tugging the pony back into motion. He grunted, shaking his head in protest, but eventually let me catch up to Thrask's deliberately slow pace.

Tying the reigns to the post on the back kept my mount moving, and let me walk along beside him.

It didn't take us that long to get near to the inn. Or more specifically, near to the broad stables next to it. Those alone proved that this was mostly a rest-stop for nobles; they were large, and clearly intended to handle both individual horses as well as carriages. I heard Thrask calling out a greeting, asking someone to come up on the left to speak with the Deshyr inside.

Taking the hint, I whispered my silencing spell into place, moving right.

A quick glance let me see someone just passing ahead of the horses, following Thrask's directions to speak with Varric. Not seeing anyone else, I casually strolled away, moving directly toward the stables. Not at a run; speed drew attention, but at a quick walk. Like a servant in a hurry to finish a job.

I looked around as I moved, more with my eyes than my head. The inn itself was a big damned place. A full two floors with a single-story kitchen attached on one side, a double-chimney already letting trails of smoke rise. Windows were still closed, it wasn't quite that nice out yet, which made it hard to tell if anyone noticed me.

At a minimum no one called out when I vanished around the side of the stable.

Following the wall, I kept going until I reached the back, turning to find a small back entrance already hanging open. A look inside revealed a pretty typical barn; there was already one carriage parked in the middle, with numerous horses settled into stables on either side. A couple of young men were brushing those beasts down, while a woman was feeding an apple to a beast much closer to me.

I saw her face in profile, and felt my emotions go from tired paranoia to blood-boiling fury in approximately zero seconds.

Moving in, I stayed left, getting behind her before she could spot me. A tight grip on my magic pulled my silencing spell in, stopping it from extending more than a foot away from me, minimizing its magical noise.

She must have still felt the spell, but not until the very last second.

She whirled around, dagger appearing in one hand, only to freeze when my sword tickled her throat.

"Don't even think about it." I growled, glaring into a pair of electric blue eyes. "When I step back, you step forward. Got it?"

Bethany Hawke, Sunshine, wife to Gregory Smith, sighed, lowering the blade. When she spoke her voice was quiet. "Maker's breath. You don't need that, Maeve. We can talk."

"Of course I need it. We were trying to kill each other the last time we met." I countered. "Come on."

The younger Hawke sister followed me after that, not doing anything to provoke me, or to draw the attention of the stablehands.

It was only once we were behind the stable, and I'd made her drop the dagger onto the ground, that she spoke again.

"First of all, I wasn't trying to kill you." She crossed her arms, not looking at all bothered by the sword I was keeping near her jugular. "Second of all, we both know you aren't going to use that, so you might as well sheathe it."

I arched an eyebrow. "I'm not?"

"Would you tell my sister you killed me?" Bethany asked. "My mother?"

I paused... and made a frustrated noise, lowering the sword, even if I didn't put it away. "Point."

"Thank you." She said, rather politely all things considered. "How are you doing?"

"Badly." I said. "Worse, because I just realized that you two are working with fucking Tallis on this quest, aren't you?"

Bethany didn't look surprised at my tone. "We are, yes. What's wrong? Is something going on in Kirkwall?"

I ignored her questions. "Fuck. You can't seriously think that helping the Qunari is actually a good idea. You've got to know just what kind of monsters they are."

"They're people." She countered. "Just like anyone else. Greg told me what Tallis is trying to do, what is at stake. You know what the Orlesians, what Tevinter, would do to the children of Qunari spies."

...maybe she had a point, but that didn't make me any happier to help Tallis.

"What are you here to do?" She asked. "You can't be here to give the list to Orlais."

I grimaced, finding it far easier to talk to her than to her husband. Though I was sure I was going to turn into a little ball of rage as soon as I saw that asshole. "I was volunteered to represent the city at the event. Dumar wants to send a message to the rural nobles. Where's the asshole?"

Bethany winced. "Maeve, he didn't-"

"Don't give his excuses." I snapped. "It was still his fucking plan. And if he really wanted to be in control, he shouldn't have been the kind of idiot who got himself sent away by your sister. Where is he?"

I felt her begin to draw in magic, her fists clenching.

"He made a mistake." Bethany said, voice going flatter. "If you want to slap him, I won't stop you. But you will not hurt my husband more than that, Maeve. Or else one of us is going to have tell my sister something we'd rather not."

I'd just begun to pull in my own power, the words coming quickly to mind, when someone cleared their throat.

We both looked right to see Tallis leaning against the stable wall, not more than four yards away.

She was wearing the casual garb of a servant, probably playing one, but I didn't doubt she was heavily armed all the same. Her smile was bright... and it didn't touch her eyes, which were locked onto me.

"Is there a problem, mistress?" She asked, all innocence.

"Fuck off, soulless." I spat.

Tallis wasn't Iron Bull. The word drew a sharp, furious twitch before she controlled herself. After a second she realized it was too late, gave it up, and fell into a more natural, more aggressive stance.

"Maeve." Bethany slipped between us as we Elves glared at one another, hands spread as if she was ready to hold us both back. "Can we please not do this today? Any of this?"

It was a close run thing, for me to get a hold of my boiling temper. To gather up what scraps of self control I had left after the last week, to force myself not to cut loose with the magic and the violence.

"Fine." It was more of a growl than a word. "I don't want to see your husband. At all. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself."

Bethany met my stare, looking perilously like her elder sister. Then she closed her bright eyes, nodded once, and said. "Give me a few minutes, and we'll retire early, all right? We can leave at dawn as well."

It was another struggle to say, "Thanks."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry this is how we're meeting, I hoped... well, maybe we can talk about that later." She sighed, waving her left hand. "Tallis? Go tell my husband that we have company, and to retire to our rooms."

Tallis hadn't looked away from me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. She's not going to interfere with our mission." Bethany said confidently.

The Qunari agent sounded doubtful when she repeated herself. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." Sunshine replied, giving me a rather significant look.

"...fine." I repeated, sullenly, and probably lying, even if I hadn't yet made up my mind. "You want to play with Wyverns? Feel free. I'm not going to get involved in whatever scheme you three are up to."

Bethany seemed to slowly relax, "Thank you."

I didn't say anything else. I just stared them down until the two other women had retreated back, heading for the inn proper.

Giving them a short head-start, I followed more slowly, thinking furiously on what this meant.

And just what I was going to do about it.