Time in Sondas's house felt strange. Like it was dragging on but also oddly passing them by.
Maybe it was the constant somber mood. And being coped up there like this didn't help either. It was a strange place – a sanctuary or a prison. Sondas didn't want Aeyrin to leave too soon, which was a good thing. She herself had no experience with this, and even though Sondas didn't either, it was better to be under the watch of a more capable healer. Though the wilderness always provided some sort of comfort – the sight of the vast options ahead had that effect. But it was denied to her for now.
On the other hand, they both knew what awaited them outside. They weren't sure if the villagers knew exactly what happened, but they knew too much already by seeing Bishop carry Aeyrin's limp body to Sondas. There would be questions and prying and strange looks. And if not, if Sondas told them what happened, there would be a whole other level of discomfort and awkwardness.
As if it wasn't hard enough to get past this on their own.
They'd spent two more days in that small house. The only visitor they ever got was Sondas checking up on Aeyrin a few times a day. And Karnwyr scratching on the door from time to time to be let back in – Bishop had to let him out to run and hunt sometimes. He couldn't be cooped up like this for too long.
After that, Sondas finally consented to them leaving. It was a little strange. They had nowhere to go. It was usually a nice change of pace, but without any immediate goals, they were devoid of distractions too. And they both sorely needed those right then.
But they would hopefully figure something out. Surely leaving would make things easier. That place was just a bitter reminder of everything that happened now.
Bishop left the house first to make sure the locals weren't all waiting for them outside. They specifically timed it to when everyone should be in the mine so that they could avoid the majority of them.
There was no one waiting, fortunately. Save for Karnwyr who had spent the better part of the morning running around the tundra. He had been so attentive to the both of them whenever he was in the house, but he also needed to stretch his limbs often.
While there was no one outright waiting though, Bishop got spotted soon enough.
"Mister hunter!"
Hrefna. Bishop was still a little freaked out over the stunt she had pulled yesterday. That was… not something he expected to see. He thought someone was playing some sick joke on him. Well… she was, but he got much more disturbing thoughts about that. Like that the Gods were pissed about his pathetic attempts at cajoling them to keep Aeyrin safe and now they decided to mess with him. At first, he didn't even notice that the ghost was Hrefna – that it looked like her. It was… a disturbing symbol of what kind of happened, even though not quite that dramatically.
Bishop knew the girl had no idea what she represented for him just then. And she had no idea what she'd been doing at all. Fuck, her mother must have been outright traumatized by that prank.
He really liked the girl, but right now, talking to her seemed like the most dreadful thing to do.
It was not her fault though. He needed to control his frustrations.
"Are you leaving?" She looked him over curiously when she reached Bishop. It was pretty telling when he had his armor on and his pack on his back.
"Yeah. We gotta," he nodded curtly. It wasn't exactly true, but they wanted to. It was time.
"Oh. Well… I'm sorry again," the girl lowered her head. "Mom was really mad and she also looked sad. I didn't mean to make people sad. I shouldn't have taken the potion."
No. She shouldn't have. Truth be told, Bishop completely forgot about that potion's existence until then. They found it in the barrow near Ivarstead where some idiot was pretending to be a ghost haunting it to keep adventurers away. Bishop never thought it would come back to 'haunt' him quite like this.
The thought of telling her that stealing is wrong, however, made Bishop feel weird. How could he preach something like that with the youth he had? He did so much worse at her age. And even before that.
He almost forgot about those fucking potions entirely. It'd been so long ago since he and Aeyrin found them. And he never expected them to be even used. Aeyrin still kept them in her pack, just in case. They spent some time before, discussing their use and some clever ruses they might pull like that, but the topic got forgotten fast. Now they were just unnecessary clutter.
And an object of a cruel joke.
Hrefna didn't realize it though, but she did look quite apologetic now. He kind of felt bad for her. It wasn't exactly her fault. Not fully. But he still felt bitter. And besides, that wasn't the only bad thing about the situation. The girl went through Aeyrin's pack. There was a lot of stuff in there, a lot more stuff Hrefna wouldn't understand. It could even be dangerous.
"Did you take anything else?" He scowled at her a bit. He didn't want to be mean to her, but he worried she wouldn't take his question seriously if he wasn't.
Hrefna looked down at her feet and shuffled them nervously. Well, that was a dead give-away.
"Hrefna," his voice carried a warning tone that made the girl flinch. Finally, she reached into her small pouch and pulled something out.
"It was just so pretty. I'm so sorry. There were a bunch of them and I only took a very small one. But… I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry," she mumbled.
Huh. A soul gem? That was harmless enough.
"Anything else?" Bishop prodded.
"No! No, I swear. I didn't take anything else," she quickly shook her head. Alright. She looked sincere.
"Fine. You can keep that gem. Just show it to Sondas and tell him I let you have it," he nodded. He didn't know about any bad shit that could happen by just having a soul gem, but maybe it could be dangerous if it broke or something. Sondas would know better and in case it could be harmful, he would take it away from Hrefna again.
"Really? Thank you, mister hunter!" Hrefna beamed at him happily. It did make Bishop feel a little less shitty to see her smile.
"Yeah. Next time, just ask if you wanna see some treasures," Bishop nodded. He had no issue with giving her soul gems or some shiny baubles they found, but this shit really fucked him up.
"I will!" She smiled, but then her face fell back into the nervous expression. She looked like she wasn't sure if she could say whatever she wanted, but eventually, she gathered the courage to do so. "Uhhm… mister hunter, why does elf lady have that medicine? She's so small. Why wouldn't she wanna grow more?"
"What?" Bishop cocked his head to the side in confusion. What the fuck was the girl talking about? What medicine? Did Aeyrin have some medicine? For what? And how would he not know about it?
"The little clear bottles. I know what they are. Annekke took them because she was so tall and she didn't wanna grow more. But elf lady is small," Hrefna explained.
Clear bottles? Oh.
Fuck, Hrenfna was just intent on driving that blade deeper. He felt a stabbing jolt through his core as he was once again reminded of everything.
It's not her fault.
He had to remind himself of that. And it seemed like Annekke thought of a weird ruse to tell Hrefna about contraceptives. Well, Bishop really didn't have it in him to not play along. And it wasn't his place anyway.
"Elves like to be small," he shrugged. What else was he supposed to say?
"Me too! I can hide in lots of places," Hrefna grinned. "But when I'm grown up, I wanna be tall like Annekke."
"I'm sure you will be," Bishop smiled at her weakly. Hopefully someone would explain the real purpose of that tincture to her when she was grown up too. So that she wouldn't have to go through shit like this.
Soon, the door to Sondas's house opened again and Aeyrin walked out with Karnwyr in tow.
"Oh. Hrefna. Hi," she only nodded a bit. Her expression was still painfully somber, even though she tried to smile for the girl's sake. She clearly didn't expect to see anyone on their way out. She didn't want to see anyone at all.
"Hello. Uhm… I'm sorry I took your potion," Hrefna looked down nervously again and Bishop only let out a sigh. He should have known she would bring it up again. It was nice that she felt bad for it, but he didn't really want Aeyrin to know what happened. He didn't exactly want to lie to her about it now though.
"What potion?" Aeyrin looked back at the girl in confusion for a bit.
"The…" before Hrefna could explain, Bishop promptly interrupted her.
"Never mind. I'll tell you later. We should be going now," he nodded with determination.
"Oh… alright," Aeyrin agreed instantly. Maybe she didn't want to prolong the conversation either.
"You didn't tell her, mister hunter? You said you would," Hrefna looked at him a bit worriedly. Fuck, she was really busting his balls today with these comments.
"And I will. But we have places to be. I'll tell her later," Bishop sighed.
"But she'll be angry with me," Hrefna whined. "And then you won't come back and tell me stories."
Aeyrin just looked more confused, but she didn't prod, surprisingly enough.
"She won't be, I promise. And we'll be back," Bishop reassured the girl.
"Alright. Well… I hope you get to kill more dragons where you're going," Hrefna smiled a little again.
Yeah… Bishop would be glad to never see another dragon again. He only nodded at Hrefna and walked off. Aeyrin and Karnwyr followed instantly without another word.
It took a while for her to speak. Only when they were out of the village and back in the tundra, she asked: "What potion?"
"I don't really think you wanna know," Bishop sighed. "I'll tell you if you really want to, but… I'd rather not." He was just gonna be honest about his reluctance to share. Though he knew it wouldn't really do him any good.
"Oh. Alright," Aeyrin shrugged.
She didn't even insist for a second. She just let it go so easily.
Why was that more disturbing than if he had to tell her?
…
There was no destination, no goal.
Usually that was a good thing. The two of them were set on getting to Falkreath at some point, but… thoughts of the wedding and celebrations were getting a little difficult to be excited about. It would surely get better with time, but right now, everything seemed… grim.
The worst part was, they weren't even sure why. Bishop was convinced that it should have been a relief. They weren't ready for this. They didn't want this. Not that he wanted things to go down like this, but… they could go back to how everything was before Dawnstar. Fuck, even better without Aeyrin's lycanthropy making a mess of their lives and with Karnwyr back by their side.
But somehow it was just not happening. He kept thinking about what happened. He kept thinking that it might happen again if they ever actually want this.
Aeyrin was in her own somber little world too. She couldn't stop obsessing about the guilt. She felt like she brought this about. Like this happened because she didn't want the baby. She knew it was probably a coincidence, but… it felt oddly fated. And every thought of it made her feel worse and worse. Of course, those thoughts never stopped crawling into her head.
There was no end to them. No escape from them.
She felt strange. She didn't feel like talking about it anymore and talking about anything else didn't help distract her either. But she did feel almost disturbingly needy. Being near Bishop, even in small ways like having his arm around her when they walked, it was the only thing that seemed to help. A little.
And the more intimate distractions… well… they helped a lot. For at least a few minutes before the thoughts came back again. And the guilt. She couldn't help it. How horrible was it that she wanted to think about sex after what happened? What kind of a person could think about that at a time like this? She just couldn't help herself. She craved the moments she could chase all those thoughts away from her head. But they were only followed by more and more guilt.
And it really didn't help when the first time she expressed interest in such distraction, Bishop kind of panicked. It was one thing that he didn't expect that at all, which made her feel like she was really messed up for thinking about it. And it was a whole other thing when he asked her if she was even back on the contraceptives.
It was a fair question. Aeyrin kept trying to tell herself that she just forgot about taking contraceptives after the weeks she didn't have to think of it. But then there was that voice in her head that kept nagging and nagging. What if she didn't forget? What if she wanted all of this to happen again in some sick way? What was wrong with her? Why would she not even consider what could happen so soon after the miscarriage?
And through all that, she still couldn't help it. And at least Bishop didn't inadvertently make her feel bad about it after the initial reactions. He seemed eager for the distraction too. They just had to enjoy themselves in various safer ways. She started to take the tincture right away, but after that experience, they both agreed they would wait at least a week before it could take proper effect.
That was responsible. Sure. But it still didn't help all that much. It didn't help with the thoughts returning to her mind and it didn't help with the guilt. She wasn't sure why she kept wanting to have sex when it even felt worse after, when she thought about how disturbing this tendency was, but the moments of peace were all worth it.
It'd been a few days. They traveled through the Rift aimlessly, without any real destination. They often did this when things felt… off.
But it wasn't much help. They were all 'off'. Even Karnwyr. He did try to be comforting as he always did when he sensed that something was bothering Bishop or Aeyrin. But more than anything, he managed to add to the somber mood with his strange lack of energy.
Maybe Bishop's theory was right. Maybe the wolf could tell Aeyrin was pregnant and that was the reason for his overprotectiveness of her, not just their reunion. And maybe now he knew he didn't manage to protect what he meant to.
That's what Bishop wondered about at least. It was kind of infuriating, to be truthful. It wasn't supposed to be anything… significant, was it? This shit happened. This early, most women could probably not even tell, but of course Aeyrin could. He knew this happened to Rina a few times and once it actually almost killed her if it weren't for some Zenitharites who did take pity and helped the ranting lunatic in the end. Maybe that was what freaked him out so much – the memory of that possibility alone was horrifying. But Rina was always fine… emotionally. For all her yapping about her children being her purpose and the way to please Mara, she sure as fucked seemed unconcerned about losing them. But that was probably not so surprising. They were not even children yet. And that woman murdered her actual son. That poor fucking kid. Bishop didn't like thinking about that. He felt kinda shitty for forgetting the little half-Redguard's name, but he never forgot his face. He imagined it being terrified, likely being a subject of some messed up ritual killing that Rina figured would be 'alright with Mara for the greater good'.
Fucked up shit like this was really his only point of comparison when it came to family and raising children. It should have been for the best. It wasn't supposed to make him feel like he actually lost something. And Aeyrin was just… so shut off. She barely spoke, lost in her thoughts, and the journeys got depressingly bleak like that. He couldn't really blame her. He himself wasn't very good company. He was shocked at first by her eagerness to indulge in their usual distractions, but… those were lately the only times he felt normal. Maybe it was the same for her.
He just… didn't know what to do. He wanted her back. It didn't feel like he himself could stop feeling this shitty until she did.
But he was at the end of his rope.
Ordinarily, he knew what to do when Aeyrin got shut into herself like this. He would prod and pry and encourage her until she talked. And she did the same for him when he shut her out. But… it just felt like he didn't have it in him to do that. He felt… oddly discouraged.
He needed her, but for that, he needed to help her get out of this state too. It was a weird situation. At least that was how he interpreted it. Who knew what was going on in her head? After those first days in Sondas's house, neither of them brought up the subject again. They only ever talked about unimportant shit like where to camp or what to eat. Though it wasn't unusual for them to have only these kinds of conversations, it was different now. There was no excitement over resting and time spent alone, not until it came to the sex itself. And there was no mood for food or anything even slightly uplifting. Again… apart from the sex.
What the fuck has all this done to them? Bishop wasn't sure if it was the strange stress of having the baby to be worried about just… falling off them and leaving a void behind, or if it was the actual loss which they were barely supposed to feel. He had no idea what to make of it. But he knew that all of them together just contributed to their mood.
They needed help.
Bishop kinda hated admitting that to himself. It wasn't just Karnwyr he thought was bothered about failing. Maybe he was just projecting. And he knew this was just idiotic, but he couldn't help it. He felt so useless when he couldn't help make Aeyrin feel better. Properly at least, not just physically.
But he really felt out of his depth.
And the thoughtful expression on Aeyrin's face only reassured him in that. It wasn't even thoughtful as it would be if she was contemplative. He could see that it was not pleasant thoughts filling her head. There was a slight permanent crease between her brows as she stared into nowhere in particular, watching the leaves fall from the aspen trees around their small camp. She was resting in Bishop's arms, nestled in his embrace as he leaned his back against a nearby tree, but even while she was there, it didn't really feel like she was there.
"Hey, princess," Bishop brushed her hair back from her ear gently. It was not as if he didn't think she could hear him, but he might have felt like the extra touch might make her feel more receptive. Or maybe it was to make himself less hesitant. He didn't know anything anymore.
"Hmm?" She turned her head slightly, but not enough to actually see him. Her back was still pressed into his chest and all she could see were the trees spanning the space around them.
Strange. She felt like she hadn't heard Bishop's voice for a long time. Maybe she hadn't. She couldn't even recall the last time they needed to speak.
"I thought maybe, since we're so close, you'd want to go see Therien again." It was the only thing Bishop could think of. The only person he suspected had a thousand ways to get Aeyrin out of this state. It was what the man always did, right?
Aeyrin suddenly stiffened in his embrace. He could feel every inch of her tense up.
What? Was that a bad idea? Was this about Therien's… condition? Bishop wasn't even sure what to call it. Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe it would make Aeyrin just think about more tragedies.
"Uhm… aah…" Aeyrin stammered a bit. She didn't know how to answer. Master Therien sounded like a nice calming company. He always had a strange talent for making her obsessive thoughts subside.
But if they went to see him, he would instantly be able to tell that something was bothering her. And she had no idea if she had it in her to talk about this. He didn't even know about the pregnancy in the first place. Nobody did.
"You don't want to?" Bishop prodded her. He really hoped she would jump at that idea.
"No, I do…" she nodded slowly. "But… if I see him, he'll know that something's wrong. And… I'll have to tell him."
Oh. That was what she was worried about. But… that was kind of the point.
"Is that a bad thing?" Bishop asked. It felt kind of weird. Like he was 'pawning her off' to the man so that he would help her get through this. But he didn't know what else to do.
Aeyrin stayed silent. It felt weird to admit it. She worried that Master Therien would judge her for how she handled things, for her attitude towards the pregnancy from the start, for thinking about it as something bad that happened to her. She wasn't sure why – he never judged her for anything before. He didn't judge her when she told him about that horrible fire she started in the slums of Chorrol, he didn't judge her for anything she had done when she was doing Ri'zhassa's bidding. He didn't even judge her for becoming a werewolf. Somehow though, this felt different. This wasn't something she did out of fear or youthful ignorance. This was something she was consciously thinking all this time. She remembered wishing that it would all just… go away. And it did.
"We'll be safe in the chapel. We won't have to worry about camping outside for the assassins to find us and shit. It might be a good place to unwind for a bit when we can," Bishop reasoned with her. He wasn't sure what she was so apprehensive about. He knew she didn't want to talk about shit, but she must have known it would help.
She wasn't sure what argument to give him to deter him. He did make some valid points.
And maybe Master Therien should know anyway. Maybe she could finally stop obsessing over the guilt and find out that… it was well warranted.
"It's gonna be good for us," Bishop planted a brief affectionate kiss into her hair, reassuring her again.
Maybe he was right. One way or another.
…
This chapel was supposed to be a safe place. A sanctuary from all the strife that might await its inhabitants out there in Skyrim and Cyrodiil both.
Somehow, today, it didn't feel like it at all.
As they ascended onto the plateau, Aeyrin couldn't help but feel nothing but dread.
They announced their presence down at the farm so that nobody would try to kill the unexpected 'intruders' with boulders. That meant that Master Therien was possibly already aware that they were coming. He would be confused why they were there, especially since they should have been seeing each other in only a few weeks at their wedding. Even if he didn't see it in Aeyrin's face right away, he would be wondering what was wrong regardless.
She felt that her legs were getting heavier and heavier as they walked, but she also loathed the idea of prolonging the anticipation. And it didn't help that Bishop kept looking over his shoulder at her to see if she was following. Yes, it was understandable on his part, since she had been lagging behind like this, but it only made the tension she felt worse.
It did ease her worries a little bit though whenever he gave her an encouraging smile with that look.
Whether 'fortunately' or not, the journey up the mountain was not a long one. They made it up there soon, greeted by a few armed guards. This place looked much better protected than before. It was good. But hopefully it wasn't just going to attract unwanted attention.
Then again, there was nothing but the farm anywhere near here.
People were walking about, wheeling carts full of stone to the plateau from inside the chapel. They were clearly still working on clearing Gromm's Pass. And those rocks were being piled on a few wooden platforms with long metal levers attached to them, all by the edge of the plateau to be released to fall onto any intruders if needed. The people here were clearly not willing to risk anyone finding out about them.
Aeyrin and Bishop walked across the plateau and towards the old man standing by the chapel. Master Therien was right there, but he was not waiting for them, at least not visibly. He was talking to one of the worshippers that Aeyrin remembered from her first time here.
Master Therien was not in his usual soft blue Stendarrites robes anymore, not like he had been the last time they visited. He was wearing a much bulkier dark grey robe that was lined with lots of black fur. It was strange to see him in anything else but those light robes. Somehow it made the moment itself seem darker. Everyone was dressed there in such drab clothes – which made sense for them to remain somewhat inconspicuous and definitely not attention grabbing, but it really added to the strange atmosphere.
But when he spotted the two of them, his beaming smile did make up for that dreary scene.
He said a few last words to the woman he was talking to and she walked away. Just in time for Bishop and Aeyrin to approach.
"Welcome back, my dears," he smiled at them widely and outstretched his arms invitingly. Aeyrin didn't hesitate. No matter how much she dreaded this moment, no matter how afraid she still was about him finding out why she was here, what kind of person she was, and no matter the strange feeling she got from the general bleakness of the scene they walked in on, she still couldn't help but think that his embrace would make it all better.
She buried her face in the unusual robes and she got their appeal promptly. It was so warm.
Bishop merely nodded at the man in greeting, smiling a little. He had no idea what happened though. The second he did that, there was a slight frown on Therien's face. He looked down at Aeyrin pressing herself into his arms, then back at Bishop with weird contemplation etched on his face. As if something was wrong.
What? How? Why? Why did he make that face? Bishop just smiled at him. What the fuck?
Or was him smiling the suspicious thing here?
"I did not expect to see you again before the wedding," the old man patted Aeyrin's back as she finally released him from her embrace. "What brings you here?"
"Not much," Aeyrin shrugged a little, giving him a smile as convincing as she could muster. "We were just in the area again and had some time to stop by."
Master Therien looked down at her and a slight crease formed between his brows. He seemed to be studying her face intently and it instantly made her nervous. She felt as if she was back at the temple, trying to pretend like she didn't spend another entire night gallivanting around Chorrol with Azshan when she was supposed to be rested and capable of taking care of the infirm the next day.
Her mentor's eyes darted to Bishop briefly again, then back at Aeyrin. She could already tell he knew something was wrong. He could always tell immediately. She had no idea how he did it. He was always like that. It was like he had some special powers. Sure, he was the person who knew her the best and the longest, but he wasn't the only one. Azshan never had these 'powers'. She wasn't sure if Bishop did, because most of the time, he was well aware of everything that was 'wrong' right away. He was there by her side for all of it anyway. And he had plenty of time with her too to be able to tell she was being withdrawn or quiet. But nobody had this kind of instant instinct as Master Therien did. All he needed was one look.
"Come on, let's go inside," the man only smiled at her gently. "It's so cold out here. I can't ever stay out here at the mercy of the wind for too long."
Aeyrin nodded in understanding while Bishop raised his brow at that. It was the middle of summer.
Master Therien wrapped his arm around Aeyrin's shoulder and began leading her inside. Bishop wasn't sure, for a moment, if he should follow, but the old man looked over his shoulder briefly to check if he was following.
Well, he would make himself scarce later.
"It's concerning, really, I can see the sunlit hills of Cyrodiil right there," Therien chuckled, clearly pretending like he didn't just figure them out entirely out of the blue as he led them through the chapel. The place was looking more and more lived-in with each of their visits, but it was hard to concentrate on that just then as he spoke. "And then here, only a few miles away, I'm freezing all the time. I cannot get used to it. The good people here even procured these very warm clothes for me and it still doesn't feel like enough."
"I know what you mean. I'm still not used to it," Aeyrin nodded, though somewhat absentmindedly. She already knew that the small talk was only supposed to put her at ease. In another life, he would have made a good interrogator.
"It's funny. All I can think of when I look down is the warmth of home. But then I remember that all these people are here because the warmth tends to attract snakes," he continued pondering. That was… probably the worst thing Aeyrin had ever heard him call the Thalmor. He always disapproved of their practices, but he never really talked like this about them. Even after that mess in Chorrol. But it seemed that what he'd seen and heard here brought it out in him. Or maybe it was a habit before – to be careful about how one talked about them. Here he was free of those concerns.
"There's snakes here too," Bishop mumbled from behind them. Aeyrin wasn't sure if he was referring to someone in particular or just in general about people being shitty. Therien merely nodded thoughtfully at that.
"After the spy in Chorrol, we are being very careful here," the old man reassured them. "And believe me, Brunwulf has everyone here researched to an almost terrifying detail."
That was probably for the best, despite how uncomfortable it sounded to have someone be that invested. And Therien said it out there in the open as they walked up the stairs into the second floor of the chapel. There were people around who heard him. So, apparently, this was common knowledge that Brunwulf had every little bit of information about everyone here.
It made sense though. Nobody there probably wanted to risk spies.
Aeyrin was glad that they were trying to be safe like this. But there were still other concerns with this place.
"How are you feeling?" She prodded. He was in a new environment and with all that cold and mountain air, it could have made his condition worse. Or maybe even being away from home could make things worse.
"Quite well," Master Therien squeezed her shoulder briefly. "There is a lot of work to do here which preoccupies me and the mountains feel good for my lungs. I don't have to like the cold, but I know it's good for me. After all, the times when I felt myself at my worst was during my trips to Anvil."
By now, they reached a small chamber that served as Therien's private room. The two of them would likely not get much privacy as they stayed here, but there was at least a place to talk to the man alone and without anyone overhearing.
It was good to know he was doing somewhat alright in this environment. Hopefully he was not just saying that to reassure Aeyrin. Unlike him, she did not have the powers of being able to tell if he was hiding something from only one glance.
Master Therien let Aeyrin go with one final squeeze to her shoulder and he sat down on his bed. He did indicate a spot beside him for her though.
Aeyrin obliged and sat down next to him, but she promptly lowered her head when he looked at her with that scrutinizing gaze once more.
"Now, tell me what happened, my dear. What's wrong?"
He finally asked. She knew it was coming, but regardless, she suddenly felt like she couldn't find her voice. She just kept staring into the ground as if there was something immensely interesting down there. But she could feel Therien's gaze almost burning on her head.
"I'm gonna… leave you to it," Bishop quickly noted and got ready to turn on his heel. There was no point in pretending. There was not gonna be any: 'What do you mean? Nothing's wrong.' That would just be a pointless waste of time and everyone in that room knew it. That was why it got so uncomfortably tense for the moment. And it was about the best time when he should scram.
"Actually, maybe you should stay," Therien suddenly pierced him with his uncomfortably concerned gaze. Fuck. What? Why? The man was looking at him as if he knew what happened. Of course he didn't. It just felt weird to have anyone this… intently concerned.
His presence would not help anything there though.
"Uhm… I'd… rather not. You two will be more comfortable talking without me," he shook his head briskly.
"Is it our comfort that's the issue here?" Therien smirked at him a little.
Well… fine, he was getting uncomfortable. He brought Aeyrin there to talk to Therien, he had no plans of doing such himself. He just… didn't… want to? He really didn't count on talking about what happened. It was weird. He realized that he had been thinking this entire time how much the two of them needed to get through this, but somehow Aeyrin being alright was the only thing that was needed. At least that was what he came here with in his head.
"'It's gonna be good for us'," Aeyrin threw his previous words right back at him. And he did not really have an answer to that. She wanted him here for this? Was it because she wanted him near or because she wanted to get back at him and have him face the same painful conversation that she would? He was somehow not sure as he noticed her challenging look, but a second later, it turned into a somber and nervous one again.
Well… maybe he should stay there for her sake, even though it felt like his presence would make things more strained. Not that he thought she wouldn't want to talk to him, but… she had this 'parently' relationship with Therien and he wasn't part of it. He felt like a weird third wheel there. And also talking about this would be fucking uncomfortable on its own. Therien did know they were sleeping together, right? There were no vows to stop Aeyrin and they were going to get married soon. It would have been really dumb of him not to assume that, right? That still didn't make it any less weird though. And Bishop had no idea if Therien and Aeyrin were open to talking about this. Nobody in his youth had any reservations about shit like that, but it felt weird after all the chastisement he and Aeyrin got while they were in Chorrol, even for something as simple as a kiss.
But Bishop quickly resigned himself to his fate. He closed the door and walked over to the only chair in the room which sat behind a small desk. He turned the chair over to face the two of them, though he would almost rather it faced away, and he sat down on it heavily.
"Good. So, tell me, children, what happened? You've both looked quite… grave, the whole time you were here. And there must be a reason why you came to see me," Therien prodded again.
Aeyrin kept staring at the ground stubbornly. She knew she would have to tell him. She still didn't want to just… say it. And Bishop was predictably entirely quiet and stiff, as if he was afraid to even make a sound by moving the chair or something.
"We really were nearby. It's just that… things got a little… hard and…" she stammered a bit uncertainly.
"And you wanted to talk to someone. My dearest, you know that I'm not complaining about you being here. I just worry about those faces you two are pulling. You know that it will be easier not to keep dancing around it," he smiled encouragingly.
Right. He was right. No matter how much she wanted to prolong it, it was for the best to tell him. She just… had to say it. It was just three words for the start. Why was it so hard? Was she really dreading the reaction so much?
"I got pregnant," Aeyrin mumbled, almost incoherently, but of course he heard her. Her downcast eyes let him know the general mood of the revelation and there was a moment of silence which felt much longer than it should have been. But eventually, his answer still managed to sting so much it felt like someone stabbed her in the chest.
"My dear, that's not a bad thing," he smiled at her widely and wrapped an arm around her comfortingly. "I know it can be difficult to think about, but it's not such dire news."
Yeah. That was a normal person's reaction. Not like hers at all.
She couldn't stop the tears gathering in her eyes. She wasn't sure if she could talk any more. Master Therien noticed that instantly and he promptly wrapped one arm around her again. His smile was gone in an instant and instead the worried crease returned to his brows.
"I know you're in a rough situation. But I'm sure that things aren't as bad as you think them to be," he reassured her gently. It wasn't helping. And she tried to talk to tell him what happened, but the words died in her throat again. "It might seem that…"
"The baby's gone," Bishop interrupted him. He couldn't stand it. It was just making things worse when Therien was going on about how it wasn't actually that bad. "She miscarried."
That did it. The room went deadly quiet and Aeyrin just kept looking at the ground through her tears as if she could find the courage to speak there. Bishop wasn't sure if he helped at all by saying that, or by being here altogether. But he just needed Therien to stop talking like that. He himself couldn't stand it and he couldn't even fathom how Aeyrin was feeling right now.
"Oh." That was the only word Therien said for a while again. It seemed like he himself was kind of out of his depth. But maybe it was just hard to know what to say when he didn't really know anything much yet. "Just… tell me what happened, please. Did you plan on having a child?"
Bishop's answer was a resolute scoff while Aeyrin shook her head somberly. Who in their right fucking mind would plan a child in a situation like this? Then again, Therien only knew about some of it, like the dragons and the lycanthropy. He had no idea there were assassins after them, or just Bishop for now. But still, it sounded like a really fucking dumb idea regardless.
"You seem resolute," Therien raised his brow a bit. Maybe it was just curiosity, but Aeyrin couldn't help but instantly interpret it as disapproval. She was so ready for him to judge her for some reason, that she now saw it in every expression.
"It's just… the timing couldn't be shittier," Bishop sighed. "We barely even talked about this seriously for… in the future, maybe, someday." Aeyrin only said she would think about it, but she didn't even get much of a chance to. And he definitely wasn't ready for it now, even without all this shit happening. But of course, the dragons and assassins were the worst part of it all.
But that was probably kind of a moot thing to think about. It was over anyway.
"Things sometimes take us by surprise," Therien nodded somberly before he turned to Aeyrin with concern. "Are you alright? How long has it been? Did you go to see a healer? I know you're capable, but…"
Aeyrin only nodded in response. Right, his concern was understandable – she was by far not an expert in healing anything internal. And she had no experience with this in particular.
"Not even two months in. I stayed with a healer for a few days, just in case," she explained, though she still couldn't really look at Master Therien and continued staring at the floor as she did.
"Good. That's good," he let out a relieved sigh. "I… I am sorry you had to go through this. These things happen, unfortunately. They can often bring… complicated feelings. But I'm glad you are healthy, my dear."
Bishop stayed silent on that subject. Therien didn't exactly need to know the details. Bishop himself wasn't even sure if she was in actual danger just then. Sure, Sondas mentioned that it could have caused a dangerous infection if left 'untreated', but he had no idea how long shit like that could take. But regardless, Aeyrin passing out was always dangerous, with or without the… blood.
There was uncomfortable silence again. Maybe it wasn't uncomfortable and Bishop just thought so. Well, it was uncomfortable for him. He really didn't feel like he should be here.
After a while, Therien let out a sympathetic sigh and he squeezed Aeyrin closer with his arm.
"Talk to me, dear," his tone was gentle and encouraging. Did he not figure out what was wrong already? Was it not obvious? Or did he just want her to spell it out so that she would hear herself say it?
"I didn't want it," she admitted quietly. She wasn't looking at Therien, but she could imagine the disappointed face already. And maybe Bishop was making one too, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sobbing and there was only a small lump in her throat, but she still felt more tears rolling out of her eyes constantly. "Sometimes I… sometimes I wished it would… go away."
Maybe this really was the point. Maybe she needed to say that horrible thing out loud. She got her wish. And that just made it worse. What kind of a person would wish for something so awful?
"You are very young and in an unimaginably difficult situation. It's understandable. It's what I thought you would think. Why is that not a natural reaction in your case?" Therien slowly stroked over her hair as his reassuring tone filled her ears. Right. The first thing he said was that it was not that bad. She assumed he just said it because of the expressions they came in with, not because he would expect her to not want this. That was… strange. She wasn't sure if it made her feel better or worse. Did he expect it because he knew how selfish she would be in a situation like this?
"It's just… isn't that awful? Normal people don't think like this," she shook her head at herself. She already talked about this with Bishop, but she felt like he was just telling her what she wanted to hear. He said he didn't want it either, but she was really not sure if she believed him. He told her there was no reason to feel guilty now. If he didn't feel guilty, why would he be as upset and withdrawn as he had been? He wanted this and was just afraid to say it. She was convinced of that.
"Who are these 'normal' people, dear? Do you truly think you are the only one who finds pregnancy scary or inconvenient? I promise you, it's never that simple," Master Therien squeezed her again and, this time, she actually dared to look up at him briefly. He didn't actually look disappointed. He seemed genuine. But would she even be able to tell? She felt like everyone was just lying to her to have her think they were not judging her. Why was she constantly thinking like this? They gave her no reason to think that!
"I just… I feel so… guilty," she looked down again. "It feels like… I don't know. Like I made this happen. Like I wanted this to happen. And… like I just… couldn't feel anything for… it." The word 'him' popped into her head again and she almost silently cursed Bishop for ever getting that idea into her thoughts. It wasn't his fault, but it still felt worse to be thinking about it like this.
"You know that life does not work like that. You did not make anything happen by wishing it. And your thoughts don't make you a bad person," Therien stroked over a lock of her hair again. "Why would you think so, dear? You found yourself in an inconvenient situation, of course you wouldn't be happy about it. It's only natural. And you barely had time to get over the shock, I'm sure."
Maybe. She still couldn't shake the guilt, no matter what. Why?
Then again, she suspected she knew why.
"My dear, I know you well," her old mentor pressed her closer into his half-embrace again. "And I know that, despite your initial feelings, you would have done anything to ensure the child had a good life. You cannot judge yourself for being aware of dangers and recognizing something as… an unplanned misfortune. The fact that you do makes you more compassionate than many would think, but there is no reason for guilt."
She nodded at him slowly. Those words were nice to hear, but the feeling clenching her chest hadn't waned. She snuggled into Master Therien's arms, eager for the familiar comfort his embrace brought, but her eyes wandered towards Bishop soon enough. He looked so regretful as he sat there in the chair stiffly, careful not to disturb the quiet moment. He looked so regretful all the time. How could she not notice that? How could she believe him when he told her he felt the same. It was so plain to see.
"What about you?" Suddenly Therien addressed Bishop, making him almost jump at the start of being acknowledged. He must have noticed Aeyrin looking at him. Suddenly he seemed interested in him. "Is guilt plaguing you as well?"
Bishop shook his head slowly. Honestly, he did not understand this. Well, he understood, but he hoped Aeyrin would get those ideas out of her head quickly. There was nothing wrong with how she felt. Fuck, most people he knew would not have any qualms about jumping in joy if the same thing happened to them. And Rina's complete and utter indifference he'd seen before whenever she miscarried was probably the most disturbing attitude of all. But that was mostly because of who she was. Maybe he wouldn't even find it disturbing if anyone else in the world had a very neutral reaction to this shit. Why not? Bad shit happened. If someone could just shrug it off, good for them. Why wallow in misery instead?
"It's not like it's our fault," Bishop reaffirmed his attitude. "These things happen and people don't always want them to. I don't feel guilty. And neither should you," he gave Aeyrin a sympathetic look. He knew it wasn't that easy. It wasn't easy for him either to move on from his own worries and thoughts. But maybe a little reassurance from the both of them would help Aeyrin start to accept that it was true.
"But you did," Aeyrin suddenly scowled at him and the look made him nervous. She actually looked a little angry and he had no idea why. Not until she said it. "You wanted it."
He 'wanted it? He wanted it to happen? For her to get pregnant? Why would she think that?
"What? No, I didn't. I told you that," Bishop shook his head briskly. "Do you think I was lying to you?" Why would he? Just to make her feel better about… well… alright, shit, that did sound like something he might have done. But he really didn't this time.
Therien was the one to stay deadly quiet now. He continued to hold Aeyrin and he looked at Bishop with concern, but he didn't make a sound. And it was easier and easier that way to forget that they had an audience here.
"Yeah. To make me feel better about being horrible," Aeyrin mumbled, half-accusingly and half-shamefully.
Fuck. Of course she would think that. And of course that would just make her feel crappier. He told her! But if she needed to hear it again and again, fine!
Ignoring Therien's presence was suddenly a bit automatic. The worry that Aeyrin would keep thinking this was quickly replacing any discomfort Bishop felt about doing this in front of someone.
"Well, I wasn't," he huffed. "Princess, this was fucking shitty through and through. I know I… I know I freaked you out when I even brought it up in the first place but… that was different." The image of her horrified face when he suggested they 'risk it' without contraceptives flashed across his face. That was a shitty way to broach the subject and he did spring it on her that he might be interested in having children one day. It was no wonder that she worried about him wanting it now, no matter what he told her. He had to clarify this shit. "That was something… just… something to imagine in the future. Maybe when we have a place to settle down, definitely when we don't have fucking dragons and as- and all that danger hounding us. But it was not something I wanted now. I promise you, I was not just pandering to you by saying that. There's nothing wrong with how you felt about it. I felt the same way."
Aeyrin looked a little uncertain as he spoke, but then she nodded softly in acknowledgement. Hopefully she really did believe him this time.
"Then what is it?" Therien suddenly piped up. Bishop almost forgot he was in the room as he was focused on reassuring Aeyrin. Fuck. He just remembered that he was being prodded for answers. He felt himself tense up again instantly, especially when Therien continued: "What is on your mind?"
"I… I don't like it when she's upset," Bishop tried to shrug casually, but he could instantly see that Aeyrin wasn't buying it. Well, it was true, but…
"You're lying," she scowled a bit again. It sounded like an accusation, but he could still see the genuine concern on her face.
"I'm really not," Bishop sighed. Why would he like it when she was upset? But he knew what Aeyrin was saying. It was not all. She could read him so easily. She knew if it was just about her, he would just spend all his energy on making things better for her, on reassuring her. But she must have seen that he didn't have it in him. She must have figured out that he took her here because he couldn't do that. There was something on his mind constantly too. She thought it was that he wanted this child, but it wasn't.
"Something is bothering you, young man," Therien gave him an encouraging nod. "There is nothing gained by stewing it inside."
Bishop let out a deep sigh. Therien was right. And Bishop was already here, fucking uncomfortable through and through and with no way out. Might as well try to get it out. Then again… would saying it out loud make shit worse for Aeyrin? That was a real possibility. Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe it would just get them back to where they started. Maybe, if this talk actually helped, he would be undoing this all.
Fuck, stop overthinking, idiot, and just get this over with.
He focused on Aeyrin again. He appreciated Therien's help and his willingness to talk to them about difficult shit like this, but Bishop still felt like he needed to only see her. To only feel like it was the two of them alone in the room. Nobody was ever easy to confide in, but with her, it was always easier. At least a little. Even if it was about something like this that might just hurt everything more. But regardless of him getting it off his chest, she also had the right to know this.
Fuck, now he was even telling her hard stuff despite it possibly making shit worse, without trying to protect her by withholding information from her. That was… possibly progress.
Felt like shitty progress though. He'd rather spare her the worries and pain.
But there was no backing out now.
"It happened when you absorbed a soul," Bishop sighed again. "And… sure, it could have been a coincidence, but… maybe not. And… Sondas had this theory."
"What theory?" Aeyrin scowled a bit. She was clearly trying to piece things together before he said them, but she couldn't think of what he meant.
"That… that being a Dragonborn is hereditary. That's… that's not the theory, it's just what it is. But… maybe he… uhm… maybe it was… it was one too. And the absorption…" He stammered a bit. Aeyrin was clearly trying to figure out what exactly he meant, but before she could, Therien appeared more impatient, surprisingly enough.
"Why does how it happened bother you that much? If this is even what happened." The old man raised his brow at Bishop.
"Because… because it might happen again. Maybe one day when it's actually the last thing we would want to happen. I know you have no point of comparison from Cyrodiil, but it's a fucking miracle here if anyone goes two months without seeing a dragon, let alone…" Bishop sighed. He didn't have to finish the thought. Finally everyone understood what he meant.
Yup. He was right. It made shit worse.
"So… this could happen every time? We might never…?" Aeyrin looked at him in shock and unexpected sorrow. She herself didn't expect it. Right now, it was the last thing she would want to put herself through again but… having this be so definitely taken away… somehow it was heartbreaking.
"Now, children, hold on," Therien immediately interrupted them with a somewhat stern look. He looked like he was about to give a lecture or something. Fuck, maybe he was. Bishop suddenly felt weirdly dumb, as if someone was really talking to him like to a child that needed something basic explained. "For one, history is filled with accounts of Septims who had no such abilities, despite actively trying to hone them for power. And while your lineage could be a mystery, there is no certainty that such things are only ever inherited. These are questions you still need to ask, not ones you should make snap conclusions about."
That was a… reasonable point. Bishop had been trying to tell himself just that before, but it got decidedly harder to believe it as time went by. Maybe it was the same for Aeyrin and believing that Bishop wasn't just trying to placate her with lies. They were both just at the mercy of persistent shitty thoughts, it seemed.
Maybe there were some people who would know. Maybe the Greybeards or Paarthurnax would know. Or Esbern. Though telling Esbern might give rise to rumors and nobody would want Delphine bitching at them about responsibility and destiny above family and shit like that.
"And… even if that were the case," Therien continued. "There are other solutions you can always think of. There is nothing stopping you from leaving for a while when the right time comes for you. As you said, dragons are not an issue everywhere. And besides, it is often that we think of things as tragedies because we think we are supposed to. Sometimes they can be just opportunities from a different angle."
"Opportunities?" Aeyrin scowled at him in contemplation. She was so lost right now and she wasn't the only one.
"What?" Bishop grimaced.
"Well… I do feel confident saying so myself… raising a child who did not have a stable and supportive environment can be very rewarding," Therien winked at Aeyrin. "Your minds are clouded with grief and confusion right now and you are forgetting that there are always options for you, whenever and if you feel ready. The sun is always hidden behind the clouds."
Aeyrin and Bishop shared a brief look, this time not a somber one, but more of an intrigued one. After the childhoods they had, if and when they were ready, maybe thinking about giving home to someone who needed it might actually be… good.
Of course, right now that would just be the meanest thing they could ever do to a child, but maybe someday.
"The difficult feelings are not something that will pass easily. But talking of them more always helps, in my experience," Therien smiled with much more warmth and even relief when he saw them both perk up a little bit. "We have all the time you wish now."
That may have been a good idea. Bishop already felt a little less uncomfortable. Like this cleared the air a bit. It was so fucking necessary and no matter how defeated he felt before about having to 'pawn Aeyrin off' on Therien to get some help, he was so grateful now that he did.
The old man had a point, he still felt the worries plague him and he could plainly see that so did Aeyrin. But they were in no rush.
If it helped, they could stay here for however long they wished.
Well, at least before they had to concentrate on their wedding preparations instead.
…
The night was long and exhausting beyond belief.
They talked through the afternoon and evening, barely taking a moment away from Therien's private room to eat and bathe. Then they talked more into the morning hours. It felt like it was the same stuff over and over again, all the things Bishop and Aeyrin already discussed together, all the things they already talked about with Therien, but sometimes it still felt like there was more to say. Or more to ponder on in the moments of silence.
Surprisingly enough, all the discomfort and nervousness eventually waned. Not all the negative thoughts did, but it was all oddly cathartic anyway.
But eventually, it got to be a little much for Bishop. He was grateful for all of that, but he was so not used to this. He was used to talking to Aeyrin about upsetting shit, but this felt a little different. And he just felt exhausted from it. It was strange. It felt more exhausting than crawling through a dungeon all day.
He welcomed it when Aeyrin passed out and fell asleep on Therien's bed. The old man didn't want to wake her, despite Bishop reassuring him that she wouldn't wake up if he carried her away, so Therien instead insisted on going to sleep in one of the communal rooms.
Bishop tried to convince him for a while, but the man seemed determined. Well, as long as he didn't mind not having his peace while he slept. The communal room was hardly quiet with half the people snoring and others scurrying around through the night. But he didn't seem to be bothered by that.
Bishop didn't join Aeyrin in the bed yet either though. While sleeping by her side was always relaxing, the fact that he knew he would fall asleep instantly was deterring him. He felt like he needed some quiet. To actually enjoy the quiet.
He headed out of the chapel and notified the night guards that he was gonna go out for a spell. He didn't forget his equipment either. A nighttime hunt always did him good. As did Karnwyr's company. They left him in the forest so that he could enjoy himself. The inhabitants of the temple didn't mind him, but Bishop knew they might be staying for a while and the wolf would get restless.
And so did Bishop. Not only was he eager for the quiet, but sitting around for the whole day without getting too shitfaced to move or filling the day with a lot of sex was not really usual for him. Then again, it wasn't exactly the whole day. It just felt so long.
How long would they be staying? He didn't really mind for their sake, but he actually found himself curious about what to do next and eager to get excited about what awaited them. That was a good sign, right? The fact that he thought about the wedding without any accompanying fears about the future, it was almost like it was before this whole fucking mess started.
Maybe they would be alright sooner than he thought. Or maybe he was just getting delusional by an unexpected moment of happiness.
No matter. They'd get through this, just like they did get through so much worse shit before.
Once Bishop descended from the plateau, he moved some distance away. He didn't want to pull attention to the chapel. But once he felt like he was far enough, he let a resolute whistle sound through the forest.
Nothing happened. But as he walked on and whistled a few more times, soon the form joined him eagerly.
It was perfect. He could just concentrate on that, pushing all the other thoughts away.
His trusty friend by his side, the fresh night air, and the knowledge of that silent private room with Aeyrin sleeping in it peacefully waiting for him, that really eased his mind.
…
Days passed, nights passed. There was not much to do in the chapel, but that was kind of good, for a change.
Bishop and Aeyrin did at one point consider helping clearing out Gromm's Pass, but Master Therien was insistent. While distracting oneself with hard work was not usually a bad thing, the old man thought they needed respite from anything like that and time with their thoughts. Maybe he was right. They'd been stewing in a lot of issues for a long time.
Aeyrin started to join her mentor on his meditations again, which was something she hadn't done herself in ages. She wasn't even sure why she stopped. There never seemed to be time for it somehow. How was that possible? There were so many evenings she filled just lazing around camps or taverns. It was strange that she stopped. And she almost forgot about how much it could ease one's mind.
Master Therien even tried to convince Bishop to join them a few times, but that was not happening. He had his own ways of clearing his head anyway and he disappeared on a hunt every time they retreated towards one of the quiet prayer rooms to meditate. That also boded well for the inhabitants of the chapel – there were hunters there, but who in their right mind would complain about more fresh meat?
Aeyrin was feeling a bit better, though the somber moods and guilt were far from gone completely. The meditations helped, but more than anything, the talking helped.
And one day, she started to think that maybe the miscarriage wasn't the only thing that filled her with guilt and needed to be talked about. Sure, she always discussed things with Bishop, but regardless, she knew that part of the guilt that filled her was always keeping things from Master Therien.
And there was so much of it. When she thought about all of it, it only made her feel guiltier. And while she knew some things would hurt him to hear, she just… cracked. More and more he could tell that she was drowning in her thoughts again and one day, she just succumbed to his concerned stares.
This time, she was alone with him. But maybe that was for the best. While she was glad Bishop was there for the most of it, right now, these were things he surely didn't need rehashed.
And once she started, she couldn't stop. No matter how she worried it might just make Master Therien forever wrecked with concern over her. Or maybe she was worried about him judging her again, despite being reassured that he wouldn't.
Then again, wouldn't he? There were far worse things on her long list of guilt than not wanting a child.
At least she started with the good. She was cured. Master Therien was really overjoyed about that. There was a cure for her lycanthropy, although she explained that it wasn't available for everyone. But just the notion of a cure really existing and of Aeyrin being free of that curse was enough to elevate his mood considerably.
That is, until he noticed her hesitation again. And she was forced to talk.
It all just spilled out. About the innocent citizens of Whiterun caught in her rampage. About how worried she was now that she could Shout again and all that prophecy stuff just felt so much more real. And even a little bit about worrying that Bishop missed the werewolf more than he admitted. No matter how silly, she told him. And he didn't tell her anything else than Bishop did or anything else than she had been telling herself, but somehow it did always feel a little better when she confided in him. His opinion was always so important to her.
It just went downhill from there with the information she spilled. First, she admitted about her and Bishop's ruse with Ri'zhassa that completely backfired on them. She got lectured for that one a lot. But while Master Therien repeated again that death was never to be taken lightly, he wasn't the only one able to read in between the pretend expressions. She could tell. She knew that he was relieved that the Khajiit was finally really dead. Aeyrin did have some doubts about just seeing what she wanted to, but she pushed those aside, and just enjoyed the fact that her feelings about that man's death were kind of shared, even though her mentor would not admit it.
That wasn't the worst of it though, even though she got lectured and chastised for it.
No, the worst part came when she admitted something that kept coming to her mind from time to time, always to haunt her conscience.
She admitted poisoning that Altmer man for Carandil.
That one was the hardest to speak about. And for that one, she got what she feared. She saw the disappointment in Master Therien's face when she told him. He was still reassuring and forgiving, but she saw it.
And… why wouldn't she? Those thoughts about her pregnancy, those fears about the prophecy, they were doubts, ever present in the back of her mind, but doubts nonetheless. Uncertainty.
Not this.
There was never any doubt in her mind about this. This was one of the worst things she had ever done. And there was no excuse for it. Even though she knew she would do it for Bishop's safety and freedom all over again, she knew that this was one death that she would never forgive herself for. Why would Master Therien feel any differently? He tried to hide it, but it didn't work on her.
And she knew it was entirely deserved.
It was still a little freeing to tell him, though that feeling led only to more guilt. She broke his heart to ease her own conscience. It was not fair. But she could no longer change that.
The only thing there was to do was to move on. And it comforted her to see Master Therien not treating her differently, even though he had every right to. But as the days in the temple went by, it kept nagging at her. She talked to Bishop about it and he only reassured her that Therien definitely didn't hate her for it, but she was still getting more and more insecure by each day.
And that's how she found herself in the same place again – here, in her old mentor's bed, trying to talk about something which felt too hard to talk about while she just felt crappy for him having to comfort her through it. She couldn't help it. She was so worried that he saw her differently.
"Tell me, my dear, how is Azshan?" Master Therien suddenly asked.
It was entirely out of the blue. She just told him about her worries and he remained quiet. And now he asked about Azshan. That was… unexpected? Was he just trying to change the subject? Well… that kind of gave her all the answers she needed.
Fine. Pushing this would just be selfish. He clearly didn't want to be reminded of that awful thing she'd done.
"I don't know, I haven't heard from him since," she only shrugged morosely. She did write a letter to Master Therien some time after that mess in Solitude. He knew all about Azshan's deeds and also about what befell him as a result. They still haven't discussed it face to face.
"You mentioned he should be at the wedding," Master Therien continued. He was still acting kind of like he was comforting her, despite the completely unrelated topic. He sat close to her and occasionally he squeezed her hand.
"Yeah. He should be there. I sent him the information like I sent it to you, just to make sure," Aeyrin explained a little absentmindedly. She didn't want to talk about anything else right now, but she had to force herself not to keep harping on her own insecurities.
"Hmm, and how do you feel about that?"
Aeyrin threw him a confused look instantly. What did he mean? She wasn't sure what he was asking.
"Are you glad he's going to be there for that day?" Master Therien clarified.
"Of… of course. I invited him. I want him there," Aeyrin huffed. Why was he asking? She knew he always was a little disapproving of Azshan, but he never tried to deter her from their friendship in any way.
"He almost got Bishop arrested, possibly executed. He poisoned you. He used you. You want him at your wedding?" Master Therien gave her a challenging look.
What? Why was he being like this? Aeyrin instantly felt the urge to get defensive.
"He… he was in a really tough situation and he was just trying to do what he could. What he thought was right. He made some mistakes, but…"
"But it doesn't change the fact that you care about him now just as much as you did before all this, does it?" Master Therien interrupted her with a gentle smile.
Exactly. Wait, why was he saying that now?
Oh.
"Mistakes or not, my dear, all I can offer is understanding," he sighed a little. "You were in a really tough situation and you were just trying to do what you could. I understand. And I love you no less for it," he wrapped his arm around her comfortingly.
She should have known he had an agenda hidden behind his seeming distraction.
She nuzzled into his arm and closed her eyes to stop them from watering again. She felt like she had cried for a lifetime here in this chapel already.
Maybe it was selfish to gauge reassurances like this constantly. Master Therien had so much trouble on his own to contend with – he was homesick, his age was catching up to him, and adapting to Skyrim was not easy. And he surely had to deal with tragedy in this place every day, providing guidance for the persecuted people who had to leave their homes, and maybe some of them even families, behind.
Maybe she should stop relying on the comfort so much. But… everyone needed that, didn't they? She just felt a little bad about always having to be the one on the receiving end of this.
It might be good for the soul to try and spend some more time here actually helping him.
And if it meant more days spent in this place with her mentor, that only made it better. Some of these feelings would never go away. And she knew that some things she would never forgive herself for no matter what. But it still helped.
Before all the guilty secrets spilled out, she never even realized how much she needed to talk. And how much she needed the time here.
With him.