Promise 1:
What a crummy Christmas this is going to be, was the first thought in Raphael's head when he awoke that morning and glanced at the dreary grey sky from the bedroom window.
He, his brothers, and their two human friends had fled upstate after New York had been invaded by aliens. But they didn't escape unscathed. His only older brother, Leonardo, had taken quite a beating from their archenemy, the Shredder.
But he was alive. That was all that mattered. He was unconscious, maybe in a coma, but he was alive. Donnie said he should easily recover. They just had to wait for him to wake up.
That was the problem, waiting. He wanted his brother to wake up now. But Donnie had said his body had shut down to heal itself. No telling when he would wake up.
If he wakes up, that nasty little voice whispered, just like it had for the past two weeks. Raph violently shoved that thought aside. His brother WOULD wake up and he would take charge of the team, and they would take back their city from the Kraang.
It was just a matter of time.
With that thought, Raph heaved himself off the bed and made for the door. He could already smell the breakfast Mikey would be whipping up and his stomach growled viciously.
Opening the door, he nearly collided with his youngest brother, who had his hand poised to knock.
Mikey gave a blinding grin after recovering from the shock of the door moving from under his hand. "Hey, bro! I'm glad you're up! I was just coming to get you and tell you breakfast is ready. Don't want those eggs getting cold, do you?"
Raph gave a small smile at his little brother's usual display of sunshine. It was nice to see him bouncy again after everything that had happened, no matter how forced it truly was.
He placed a hand on Mikey's head and gave it a fond rub. "Yeah, little brother, I'm coming. I'm just gonna check on Leo first."
Mikey nodded, his smile dimming slightly at the thought of their hurt brother, but never fully leaving. "Okay. I'll put your plate in the microwave to keep it warm." Goodness knows his second older brother lost all track of time when with their oldest.
Mikey spun on his heel and bounded back down the stairs. Raph crossed the hall to the bathroom and took a seat on the stool next to the bathtub. The turtle inside never flinched or even moved. Raph sighed.
Two weeks. Two weeks since the Kraang invaded. Two weeks since their father was tossed down a sewer drain and possibly killed. Two weeks since his only older brother had taken on the Shredder and all his henchmen. Two weeks since his brother was thrown through April's window, sporting more injuries than Raph had ever seen. For that split second before he reached Leo's side and felt for a pulse, for one horrible, nightmarish second Raph thought he was dead. He was so still and quiet. For one minuscule second, he thought the impossible.
But then he had felt his heart beating. Saw his chest rising and falling, however faintly. And he had hope once more. Enough to push him on, to search out their father.
Then the next tragedy struck. Splinter had taken on the same man that had made their lives a living nightmare for the past six months, that had beaten his brother to unconsciousness, once more.
And for another brief moment, Raph had thought something might go right for once.
Then Shredder had come from behind, like a coward, and struck the rat down in front of his children.
Shaking his head with a growl, he snapped himself out of his thoughts. He snatched up the cup next to his brother's sleeping form and dunked it into the water. Taking a breath, he poured the warm liquid over Leo's shoulders and chest, trying to rehydrate the slightly dry skin. As he did, he took stock of some of the injuries. The cuts and bruises that marred the forest green skin; the dark, swollen eye; and the most worrying was the huge lump on the back of Leo's skull. Donnie was very concerned about that one. He didn't have the right equipment to examine Leo properly, not having enough time to grab it from the lair before they left, and he couldn't possibly know the extent of Leo's head injury.
But Raph was sure his big brother would pull through. He always had. The Techodrome, and any incident since then, had proven that.
He studied Leo's face. The face that had always been there when Raph needed him. The one that he had yelled at so many times over the years and the one that he loved dearly. The only thing missing were those deep blue eyes. If only they would open.
But something looked off about that face. Leo looked wrong, somehow. And it wasn't just the injuries that should have never happened. His face was peaceful. Too peaceful.
Too lax. Too slack. It hadn't looked quite that way the day before. Something wasn't right.
Raph felt his heart pick up speed. The very first thought in his head, he shoved back.
He wasn't. He couldn't be. Leo would be okay, just like he always was.
Right?
A shaking hand reached forward, resting against Leo's cheek. The skin under Raph's fingers was clammy and cold. And not 'brr-it's-a-cold-room' cold. It felt like ice. Raph's eyes began to burn despite his wishes. Trembling fingers slid down Leo's jaw and rested on his throat, searching, searching.
Nothing.
There was nothing. Raph hunted frantically for a heartbeat. Having no luck, he moved to Leo's wrist. There had to be something. Raph refused to think any other way. Leo had to pull through. He always had.
Seeking, looking, feeling. He would find a pulse. He had to find a heartbeat. He must.
This wasn't right. There was no sensation of that soothing thump Raph had grown up with. There was nothing.
He tried to clear his head. Ugh, what were the steps Donnie had taught them all? Some kind of test?
Plastic? Metal? No. It clicked. Glass. A breathing test.
He glanced around hurriedly. Spotting April's compact mirror next to the sink, Raph snatched it up, opening it, trying to force his limbs to work properly. Why were his fingers numb? Why couldn't he stop shaking?
Wait a minute. What was he doing? Why was he performing a breathing test if Leo was okay? This was silly. What was wrong with him?
Without his brain's consent, the tiny mirror had found its way to Leo's nose. Raph held his breath, though he didn't understand why. Leo was fine. His big brother was fine. He was getting worked up over nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing was right. There was nothing. No condensation. Nothing needed for him to wipe away and try again. But try again he did. Pulling the mirror away, he waited a second, then moved it back under Leo's nose. No fog came over the glass.
Raph dropped the mirror, not hearing the soft splash as it hit the water filling the tub. He placed his hand on Leo's throat again, searching once more. Then he lay his ear against his big brother's chest, listening.
He pulled back, gently poking his brother's shoulder.
"Leo?" His voice sounded foreign to his own ears. Tears welled in his eyes when he got no response.
"Leo, come on." Raph's voice cracked as he poked him again, then shook his shoulder. Leo barely moved. "You gotta get up. Please."
This wasn't right. This was all wrong. Leo should wake up. He shouldn't be stiff as a board. He shouldn't be so cold. He should open his blue eyes and hold Raph in his strong arms, even when Raph didn't want him to, and he should tell Raph he was alright because that's just what Leo did. He was a good big brother. The best Raph could ever wish for.
This was a trick. It had to be. A cruel prank Mikey had devised and had somehow roped Leo into.
Leo was fine. His big brother was fine.
What was happening? Why did it feel like his world was crumbling if Leo was going to make it? He didn't understand, and he hated not understanding. This was Leo. His big brother was stronger and braver than Raph could ever hope to be. His big brother would be fine. He would make it.
…..Big brother was not fine. He was not going to make it. He hadn't made it.
The cold truth washed over Raph like a wave. He was drowning in it. He couldn't breathe. There wasn't enough air in the room.
Why? Why had this happened? How had this happened? Why Leo? Why his only big brother? As if the universe wasn't heartless enough to take just his father from him. It had to steal his brother away too?
What was it? What evil act had Hamato Raphael committed to warrant this? Whatever it was, he would fix it. He would go to the ends of the earth and beyond to fix it if it brought his brother back to them, to him.
Raph slumped, arms hanging over the tub, hands brushing Leo's chest where his heart should have been beating. Great heaving sobs tore from his throat, so harsh they left him breathless.
Why had he left them? Why had he let death claim him? Why hadn't he fought harder? Why didn't he want to come back to them? To him? Had all those fights, all the angry words spoken in the heat of the moment, pushed him over the edge? Raph had never meant anything he said when they had fought.
Now it was too late to say he was sorry.
Never, since they were children, had Raph actually told Leo, he loved him.
Now he never would again. Now Leo was too far away to hear.
His throat hurt. Why did his throat hurt? Oh yeah, he was still crying. He couldn't remember ever crying this hard before. It was painful. He wanted it to end. He wanted to stop. But any time he tried, the ache in his heart drove him back. It stung so bad. Why was his heart throbbing like this? When would it stop? Would it ever stop?
Finally, mercifully, he ran out of tears. His head was pounding. His eyes were so sore. He tried to control his breathing, punctuated by the occasional broken sob.
If he listened hard enough, he could just make out the rest of his family chattering in the kitchen, completely unaware of what was going on upstairs.
His family. His little brothers. He had to tell them. He had to let them know Leo was….gone. They had to know.
How was he going to tell them? He couldn't tell them. But he was the only one that could. He didn't want to. This would kill them. He couldn't crush his baby brothers' hearts. Why couldn't he send them a telepathic message?
He could leave a written note. Yeah, do that, then run far away and get his head together.
What was he thinking? He couldn't do that. He needed to be here with them, for them. He needed to hold them as they cried. Like he wished he was being held right now.
He wouldn't leave them.
Wouldn't leave them.
Like Leo did.
He shakily pulled himself to his feet, keeping his gaze resolutely on the wall beside him. He wouldn't look at….the body in front of him. He had to do this maturely. He had to glue himself back together so he could help his little brothers pick up their shattered pieces.
Raph made his way downstairs slowly, trying to piece together what he was going to say. How was he to tell his little brothers one of their own was gone? Especially after everything else that had happened?
Standing in front of the swinging kitchen door, he took a deep breath. It was now or never. Pushing the last obstacle out of his way, wondering when it had gotten that heavy, he came face-to-face with the last of his family. All conversation paused, four pairs of eyes locking on him.
Raph began to feel scrutinized, the weight of a thousand eyes upon him. It was making him claustrophobic. If only they would stop staring.
Barely finding his voice through the gazes choking him, he asked, "Donnie, Mikey, can I talk to you for a second?"
The two named glanced around at the other faces surrounding them.
"Alone?" Raph tacked on as an afterthought.
They stood wearily, giving one last look at the humans before following their brother onto the front deck.
Having their full, undivided attention did nothing to ease Raph's burden; if anything, it added to it. Now there was no way he could escape, no way for them to misunderstand. He sat heavily on the porch swing, still trying to find the words to say.
"Raph? You okay?" The question came from his youngest brother, so full of concern that it yanked at Raphael's heart. No, he wanted to say, no I'm not. Our brother is dead. I'm not okay. But all he did was stand once more, setting a hand on each of their shoulders, his eyes moving between them.
"Guys," he began, planning on just winging it. "I-I was just with Leo, and…. And he's gone." There, he'd said it. It was done.
Mikey barked a bitter laugh. "That's funny, Raph. He's gone? You're telling me he got up and walked off?"
Donnie smacked Mikey's head, then glared at Raph. "That is not funny. Don't even play like that, Raph."
Anger boiled in Raph's chest. Donnie really thought he'd joke about something like this? What did he think he was? Some kind of heartless monster? His fists clenched.
"You honestly believe that? You think I'm playing around? Who do you think I am? Leo's gone. He died."
Raph did not expect the pain blossoming across his jaw as he staggered back and fell onto the swing again. He blinked up in shock, looking to see Donnie wearing the same expression he was sure he was sporting. Then he turned to his baby brother, taking in the shaking fists at his sides, and the glare potent enough to kill that was leveled at him. Never before had he been intimidated by his littlest brother; Raph could take him easily enough, but right now, he suspected the only thing holding Mikey back was sheer willpower.
"You liar!" the youngest cried. "You're lying!"
While Raph tried to get his mouth working once more, Mikey mistook his silence as a challenge and swung his fist again. This time Raph was at least semi-prepared for it, and grabbed his wrist. This didn't deter Mikey, and he threw his other fist forward. Raph snatched that one too, and pulled Mikey closer to him, the smaller fighting him the whole time.
"Mikey, Mike-" he gave a grunt when Mikey's knee connected with his armored stomach, not having enough piece of mind to land an effective strike. "Mikey!" he shouted, giving him a shake, tightening his grip on his wrists when Michelangelo started trying to rip out of Raph's grasp. "Look at me!"
Mikey finally stopped struggling, chest heaving as he panted through his nose, glaring up at his big brother.
"I'm not lying," Raph told him gravely, gently. "You know I'm not. I wouldn't."
They stood for a moment, Mikey searching his eyes for any hint of deception. His face crumpled when he didn't find any. He yanked his hands away from Raph like he'd been burned, turning and racing into the house. Donnie had already disappeared inside. Raph followed slowly, trying to hold himself together. Seeing the worried faces of his friends didn't help. They stood in the entry room, watching as Mikey dashed up the stairs behind Donnie.
"Raph?" came Casey's concerned voice. "What's going on? We heard shouting."
Raph simply bowed his head, glaring at the wood under his feet as if it had taken his brother from him. He closed his eyes when Mikey's face flashed across his mind. That look of heartbreak was one that he never wanted to see again.
But he had a feeling it was only going to get worse. A sneaking fear told him it was going to become the new normal on his usually happy-go-lucky brother.
He was snapped back to the present when a cry, a horrible, grief-stricken wail of "NO!" rang through the house.
Stupid! Raph chided himself as he raced up the steps two at a time. You should have been with them! You promised you wouldn't leave them! He was dimly aware of April and Casey following behind, but all other thoughts were shoved to the back of his mind.
The sight that greeted him at the bathroom door was one that would be forever burned in his memory. His little brothers, kneeling at either side of his big brother's body, sobbing so hard he didn't know how they could still breathe. Mikey had thrown his arms around his oldest brother's neck, head tucked into his chest. Donnie had seized one of Leo's cold hands in a crushing grip, face buried in the blue banded turtle's shoulder.
He moved forward slowly, hearing April gasp behind him and a rustle of clothing as Casey held her. Coming to a stop behind Leo's head, he gently reached out and touched his little brothers' shoulders. Mikey practically leapt into his arms, tossing his own arms around Raph's neck like he had Leo's. Raphael wrapped him up, holding him close, wishing they were anywhere but here.
Donnie had shrugged his hand off, almost violently, and stayed hunched over their brother's body. Raph wasn't going to let it go, however. Donnie was not going to isolate himself. Right now, they needed each other more than ever before. He wasn't going to let his immediate younger brother's walls block them out. That was Raph's job.
He reached out again, grasping Don's shoulder once more. Raph would make him turn around, would force him to lean on them if that was what it took. Don would not close himself off.
Donatello resisted his pull for a moment, but Raph was persistent. Eventually, he caved, allowing his brother to drag him away from the corpse. He was instantly tucked against his now only older brother's side, holding for dear life.
Raph felt his eyes burn once again, and this time he didn't try to hold back.
His heart had broken and splintered into a thousand pieces, lodging in his throat and chest.
From that moment on, as he held his baby brothers, his possibly only remaining family, close; he vowed to avenge Hamato Leonardo. He would find the monsters who murdered his brother, and he would make them pay.