Aand here we go! Warning: Reference to assault

I could stop the cycle. Tearing down the Source, stopping the rebirth of Titans, ending the hold this endless fear had over our people and the Marleans alike. But only if I figured out how to use this power. Occasionally I had already made a connection with Eren – he had felt small effects of the faulty serums before, and he felt my utter panic at being faced with Valerie again. But it had been by accident. So now we had to make it on purpose. Deliberate. And that was only going to happen through training. And of course we had to find a means of me tapping into this connection beyond intense pain or panic as that was hardly going to be sustainable for my well-being. Plenty to be getting on with then…

As me and Levi worked with Armin and Eren to come up with some approaches, the others continued to question our new detainees. Jean was in charge of figuring out the ship, and so far we had already learned a lot of their tech. It was immensely more advanced than ours – but that was hardly surprising considering the Government and Royal family had been actively keeping our people and their tech in the bloody dark ages. Or whatever time period it actually counted as. Still, we could hardly be blamed for it and now we could research.

As I finished reading through another chapter of Vincent's scrawlings, I put in the bookmark, closed the damned book and rubbed my temples. It was a valuable resource, but it remained difficult to see my childhood of madness laid out like some instruction manual. The anatomical drawings of my back and his plans for them were particularly hard to take in. He had planned a lot more marks, all the way down my legs as well. Whether or not that would have helped us now was unclear, it could simply be more symbols to further my puppet strings. But we would figure it out. With me and Levi having found the Source, we now understood the small technical drawings of a tablet that kept repeating through the works. Vincent had somehow seen that podium in the clearing of trees. Perhaps he had found the Source on his way to infiltrate the walls? At first we refused this. Who would be mad enough to try and find that in the wilds of outside Maria when the Titans were probably at their most numerous? But then again, we answered our own question very quickly. Madness was Vincent's game.

Levi went to put on a kettle to boil, coming back and rubbing my shoulders. "How're you doing? We can take a break if need be."

"I'm good." I leaned into his touch. "We're already finding new snippets of information. Just… Hard to walk back through the past so meticulously."

"Of course." He kissed the top of my head and then went to brew the tea.

I caught Armin smiling at me when I looked his way, his eyes soon darting down at the table again, a blush crawling up his ears. I tapped his shoulder with my pen and raised a brow. He glanced to the Captain and back again with another smile crawling into place.

"I'm glad you're happy." He said simply, a small shrug occurring before he went back to his work.

I suppose me and Levi had been more open about our relationship recently. It seemed so pointless not to indulge in it at that point. Too much time had already been stolen away from us in one way or another, so why not enjoy the present? Still, it was heartening to hear direct from a comrade that it was approved of.

"Robyn…" Eren murmured, eyes still glued to his father's second journal.

"Eren…?" I nodded, bringing him out of his thought bubble for long enough to finish his sentence.

He jolted and pointed to the page. "I uh… Well I was wondering if you'd ever felt this connection go in the other direction? Like when we were on that mission where I commanded the Titans, did you feel anything… weird?"

"I can't be sure." I tried to think back, but it was all such a blur. "I don't think so? In fact I can't be sure I've ever really been aware of the connection at all. It's only been Mikasa telling us of your condition when I got stuck with that serum, or seeing it on those branches with Valerie that I've known of it. Otherwise I'd be clueless."

"Mm, good point." Eren sighed. "Damn. I was hoping we could maybe do it in reverse to help you get to grips with it, as me and Armin are pretty well versed with the Shifting side of things now. Damn."

"Nice idea." I nodded, and Levi did too as he handed out the fresh teas.

"Good work Jaeger, not the answer we're looking for, but you're on the right track."

Eren blinked. "Uh… Thank you, sir."

"It's a simple compliment, Brat. No need to piss your pants."

I snorted and shook my head, it was an uneasy alliance sometimes, but they did work well together when they got out of their own way. We continued to work well into the afternoon, but the theory side was only getting us so far, and so I proposed some more active research. Levi wasn't keen, for obvious reasons. But the scientific mind of Armin seemed rather glad to give things a go, and he volunteered as the one I try to connect with to avoid too much strain on Eren. He objected, but considering how emotional he immediately became at the idea of a more practical approach, it was probably a good move.

As the sun headed towards its bed, we were swathed in a stunning golden light. So one way or the other we wouldn't be able to try this for very long. We were out on the flat plains, nowhere near the encampment or the dock. The prisoners likely wouldn't even know something was happening. Nor would most of the cadets. That being if anything happened at all. It wasn't clear if I could command with this connection, or simply be the mirror image the one at the other end copied.

I thought back to the podium, to the sensation of touching that stone. The strange heat of that contact, the maddening visions beyond. It was like trying to remember a dream in all honesty, the images kept scattering from my grasp, slipping between my clasping fingers. We tried this for a good solid ten minutes before my frustration became too much. Armin then sat me down and tried a meditation technique. It wasn't something I'd ever really done myself, but he said it had helped him when contending with controlling the Colossal. He sat in front of me and spoke me into this strange trance. I was aware of where I was and all that, but there was a detachment, a kind of balloon of me bobbing just above my body. He suggested I try to reach out to what would be his equivalent.

And so I did.

I reached, and as I made contact with something tangible, my mind reeled. Suddenly the ground wasn't there beneath me, the grass falling away to nothing, the golden light of the afternoon no longer pressing against my eyelids but being scraped back to a harsh white. That sensation almost drowned me, before my panic pulled back hard and I landed against stone. Bloodied stone. I shivered, clasping my knees in reality, but being unable to escape the sensation of my arms being held down to that bloodied stonework. And my legs being–

"No!" I screamed, falling back from the cross-legged sitting position on the grass, stumbling to my feet and staggering away a few steps before I realised I had truly moved at all. My lungs burned. My back ached. My old, long healed bruises, throbbed. Tears sprung to my eyes and suddenly the air was too thin, my hands clasping at anything, finding purchase as Levi stepped in close, expression worried. I tried to explain, but only sobs escaped, my mind still half in that cell, the stink of their unwashed bodies pressing against me, their laughter, their rough hands and drooling tongues.

My knees gave out, and Levi let me fall in a more controlled manner, helping me to the ground where he let me curl against him trying to find my breath. His hand ran up and down my back, but he didn't really touch me otherwise. I think he knew. On some level he recognised this terror from my nightmares in the dark.

"Shi… Shit…" I choked, still clinging to the front of his shirt. "Sorry."

"Nothing to apologise for." He murmured, hand still moving. "Just breathe."

And so I did. He gave me the space to find myself again. I was on the plains, the sun was setting in a beautiful array of pinks and oranges now. Birds flew overhead. Free. Easy. No blood, no stone or chains. Free. I glanced at my hand, a faint grey line running along the back of it. Damn. I looked down and peeked under my collar. Blackened veins. They hadn't spread as far, but they were definitely there, started.

Levi ran a finger along the grey line of my hand and sighed. "Well that's a sign of you actually connecting I guess. Can you… Well when you're ready, can you explain what happened? I think I know but like I said earlier, we can't go on a lack of info."

"Right." I gulped, slowly uncurling to sit up, accepting the water tankard from him. I sipped. My heart slowed bit by bit, and the other two watched warily. Or rather, guiltily. I shook my head at them both. "Don't look so guilty, boys, please."

Armin winced. "My idea."

"Not your doing though." I coughed and scraped back my hair, my eyes finally stopping their panicked tears. "It was working I think, really. The white space was there, I could see how to get to that path again. It just… It got interrupted."

Levi looked me over and tucked my hair back. "I think I know, but… By what?"

"Memories of some fucking pigs."

He swallowed hard and looked over his shoulder to the other two. "We're done for the day I think, we should–"

"Wait." I handed him back the tankard and took a few long breaths. "Today, tomorrow, a month's time, I don't think it's going to make a stitch of difference until I've dealt with this."

Levi tightened the water tankard cap. "Dealt with?"

"Valerie needs more questioning, but her lackeys know nothing. I'm not going to be able to do this, any of this, until I've moved past that moment. Until I… I dunno…"

Armin approached and offered a hand to help me up. I took it. He dropped my hand but held a strange wisdom in his eyes. "Retake your power?"

I blinked. "How do you…"

"Not from the same experience in any way, at least, from what I can gather via context. But yeah I get it, in so many ways since Shiganshina, we'd been made to feel small and helpless. It's taken a long time to scrape it back, but I think gradually I have. And until you do… The hesitation will remain, the uncertainty, the uh… the fear."

I put my hand on his shoulder. "I hate that you understand, but you're right, Armin."

"Mm, well as you said yourself, not your doing."

Levi got to his feet and smoothed back his hair. "I suppose then it's time to go talk to the Commander. She mentioned the prisoners in the last meeting anyway, but more in a passing sense. Maybe she'll be open to this being sped up, especially if it's for that kind of reason."

Armin glanced between me and the Captain and gave a small nod, he would leave us be for the time being. We clearly needed to talk. He walked away and encouraged Eren to do the same, despite how much he clearly didn't like where this conversation was going. But then something pinged in my brain. Something Armin had told us.

"Hang on a second, Armin. I need to ask Eren something."

Those big green eyes shone with what I immediately recognised as guilt. He had tried to kill the prisoners before me and Levi returned, he had done that knowing full-well I wanted that closure for myself at some point. And I couldn't let that slide. He had almost done something incredibly selfish. Beyond that even. To rob me of that moment, to steal that catharsis from me, there was no telling what it might have done for my recovery.

Armin stepped away, heading back to the camp, hands in pockets, head slightly bowed. I hated to think of him having any grasp of what I had been through, but I suppose as a young kid thrown into the disarray that followed the fall of Maria, it wasn't all that surprising there might be more shadows in Armin's past than we realised. Did Eren know? Did Mikasa? I hoped so, if only so that he had a means of a support group.

Still, first I had to deal with Eren. He looked at me sheepishly, glancing at Armin like he could will his friend to stay, to be a kind of shield. But there was no hiding from this. I faced him head on, and waited until he had stopped dodging my eye like a coward.

He scuffed the ground with his shoe. "They told you then?"

"About you almost killing the prisoners? Yeah. They mentioned it, as part of the rundown of your ongoing wayward behaviour."

He closed his eyes. "Right..."

"I can understand the fear, Eren, I know how much you worry about what lingers across the damned water, all of that, but why the hell did you think you had the right to kill those men? To kill Valerie even?"

He kept looking down, but I just waited. He could explain himself dammit. Levi was quiet, but I knew he was watching closely – any sign of bullshit and I could only guess at how fat Eren would have to run.

Eren finally cleared his throat and looked up. "I wanted to save you from doing it yourself."

I blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Killing people… It's so different to killing Titans."

"I know. I've done it before." I raised a brow and looked him over. "Are you under some kind of delusion that I haven't? Where is Vincent, Eren? Six feet under, because I fucking planted him there. Why on earth–"

"But how many times can you do that without losing yourself? We've already lost so much so I couldn't bare to think of–"

I slapped him hard, eyes stinging with tears. "How dare you take that choice from me. Or think of taking it at least."

"I was just so scared of losing–"

"Your fear. Your loss. Once again thinking only of yourself." I snapped, well aware he would know what else I was referring to. When he took what he wanted. When he kissed me with absolutely no consent from myself. "You could lose me just as easily by this trauma being on a never-ending loop in my brain." My breaths became thin as my panic rose at the idea of him having almost robbed me of the closure. "Killing them isn't going to fix it, of course, nothing can. But me fulfilling my promise to those animals and making them wish they'd killed me instead of violating me? It'll do a lot of damned good. I know, I've fulfilled bloodied promises before."

Eren stared at me and then pursed his lips, he swallowed hard, he wiped his tears. Still, in so many ways, just a kid. A powerful kid with too much on his shoulders, but a kid all the same. Idiot. Fool. Sweet intentions, maybe, but damn it he had to see the wrong in it too.

He stood straight, cheek pinking after the strike to his face, but he didn't touch it. A part of me hoped it didn't bruise, another part hoped it stung like hell for the rest of the week.

He drew a long breath. "I'm sorry. I was an idiot. My feelings on the matter are entirely secondary, I should have had your feelings at the forefront of my mind. I didn't. And that's why I'm still just a dumb kid, scared of losing people."

Alright. No excuses. Responsibility being taken. I could accept that.

It took me a second, my mind still buzzing with recollection and anger, but eventually I managed to take an even breath and put a hand on his shoulder. I squeezed. "I appreciate the words, now kindly put them into action and stop trying to save me from myself but imposing your choices onto me instead."

"Right. O-Of course."

"So you don't think killing those men will help me, what do you think will?"

He blinked. "I uh… I…"

"I don't know either, Eren. Can't pretend otherwise. But when I was in that dark place, when they hurt me? All I could do was try to get in their heads."

He shivered. "What do you mean?"

"I told them to make sure I was dead afterwards, because otherwise, they would pay."

The fear shining in his eyes told me the image was far too clear to him. He had seen me on the rescue, he had known as much as the others probably what had happened to me.

He nodded. "And now they will. I really am sorry, Robyn."

"I know you are. But you're also a dumbass. This is your second strike, Eren, do not make a third. I'm a forgiving person, but I'm not an idiot."

He winced. "O-Of course. I'll do better." He dipped his head and scarpered, properly running with his proverbial tail between his legs. Foolish kid. But I had to keep myself in line, I had to remember that yes, this was his second major slight to me. Not only had he bouldosed past any semblance of respect for my personal boundaries by kissing me, he had then tried to overrule my own recovery because of his own moral quandaries. Idiot. Twit. Kid. And that was something else I had to keep in mind, he was a kid, when it came down to it, a child.

Levi stepped in close, a hand on the small of my back. "So… Am I getting a telling off as well?"

"No." I turned and hugged him tightly. "No, right now I need you to tell me off if that's required."

"I'll need some more context…"

"Am I being ridiculous to think this might actually help? Or am I being impatient? Should we try the Source thing again before I do this?"

He sighed and held me, head against mine, breathing in the moment as he thought. And I let him process. Levi always took a little longer to do so when it came to emotional things, let alone something of this magnitude.

Eventually he gave another squeeze then leaned back a little so he could look me in the eye. "I have never considered you a Killer."

I had no idea what to do with that statement. So I stayed quiet.

Levi continued. "And what I mean by that, is that while you killed Vincent, and while I know you are capable of killing people if need be, I know full-well you do not enjoy it. When you killed Vincent you were terrified. Yes, you smiled, yes you were brutal. But I saw it that day, I saw the fear and the terror of a lost kid. And afterwards I saw the hatred for the blood spilt. Not that it was Vincent's, but that he had pushed you to doing what he had done so willingly. Killing is a part of this world, but it isn't a natural part of you."

I stared. Having considered myself the tainted spawn of that madman for so long, soaked in the innocent blood of my Mother and Brother, of those cadets I failed to protect, it was hard to hear those words. And spoken so assuredly. So softly. So lovingly almost.

A smile spread across my lips and I kissed him tenderly. "I adore you."

"And I you." He kissed me again, holding me close as a breeze brushed past us, and when we parted he put his forehead to mine. "We've all been dealt brutal hands recently, but I think possibly you worst of all. It's high time you had your closure, your revenge. And I don't think it makes you a bad person for wanting that – especially considering the pushing point for it being now is so that you can help us end this horrific cycle. A pretty noble catalyst really."

"What do you think Hanji will say?"

"Not sure." He fell into step with me, fingers lacing with mine as we returned to camp. "I know it tore her up to know what had happened but not say anything. She sincerely hoped you wouldn't remember it. But anyway… I think she'll be for this. Especially if she's done all the questioning she needs to."

"I just don't want to disappoint anyone."

Levi stopped me and put a hand to my cheek, frowning. "Disappoint? How?"

"By killing those men. Or rather, wanting to kill them."

"Do you honestly think Hanji doesn't want them dead for what they did to you? For what they've probably done to others? Let's face it Robyn, as horrible as it is to consider, I doubt you're their first victim."

I leaned into his touch. "So I'm stopping all kinds of cycles?"

"Seems so." He smiled softly and we continued. "No stopping you now…"

Aaand there we go. Next chapter... Is going to be intense. Ye be warned.