Αδικεί πολλάκις ο μη ποιών τι, ου μόνον ο ποιών τι (A wrongdoer can be a man who has left something undone, not always one who has done something) — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations IX, 5
Asuka's hand was already turning off her alarm the moment it began to blare in the heavy darkness of her bedroom. She closed her eyes, the maddening LED readout of her clock's face still projecting splotchy ghosts on the back of her eyelids from staring for so long. She rose from her bed in an exhausted combination of stiff muscles and heavy limbs and began moving in her routine that was so achingly rote she would have been able to get herself ready in her sleep—not that she would ever have to, anyway, given her chronic lack in that department as of late.
Two hours until he makes breakfast. Her legs had brought her to the shower. She turned it on. More protein, fewer carbs from now on. She was in front of her closet, laying out her uniform for the day. Simulator training doesn't call for so many carbs. She was undressed, her teeth already brushed, then standing in the shower. Maintain the calorie amount, though. Or increase it? Soap, cleaning her skin. They're both too small. Simulators don't train muscles.
Shampoo for her hair. The heat of the water soothed her aches. School today, so they'll be walking together. Lunch? She jolted, nearly pulling her hair out of her hands as her head jerked up. Then she remembered. Calm returned. Misato on the third day of every week, alternating weekends. He won't be bringing leftovers today. Water rinsed through her hair.
Make sure dinner accounts for anything lacking at lunch, or last night's dinner. He makes too many vegetables, not enough meat. The shower stopped. She doesn't even make food. Towels, warm from the humidity, dried her.
Rerun the test program today, the results weren't accurate yesterday. Bra, panties, socks. Check Momma's transport. Then Akagi's office. She scowled, the first expression she had made since entering her quarters the night before. Brush through her hair. Ibuki's station. She's more malleable. Find what needs to be done that they won't bother with. She stared at a dark shadow in her mirror as she sat at her dresser, not noticing when she had opened her eyes. Her lights rarely saw use, anymore. The girl in the mirror did not seem to notice their absence as she dropped the hairbrush on the ground and slipped neural connectors into her hair. The shadow started to turn, then Asuka lost sight of it as she moved to grab her uniform.
That will keep you busy with work until simulator training. Shirt tucked into pants. Supervise Misato's mess. Blouse over shirt. Shoes on feet. Exercise. Fourth day of the week, which means legs. Light cardio only. Pockets filled with necessary weight. Then back here. Clean and organize the mess. Get in bed. She was standing at the door.
She took a moment, her hand hovering over the button of her automatic door. A deep breath in, held, slowly released. Less than six months total? She had never been able to account for the time she had been set aside. It clearly did not matter anyway.
Asuka finally felt awake enough to wear her face. Her arms and legs felt more flexible than when she had set her alarm last night. She was even starting to be already annoyed with how many people were going to whisper about her behind her back in the cafeteria while she ate breakfast.
Two months so far. Slightly less than that since I got here. She unclenched her jaw. It could not have been tensed for long, her teeth barely even ached. "Just one more week, Momma," she whispered. "I'll see you soon. I love you." You have to keep going. She's waiting for you.
She opened the door and stepped out.
Ω
Unit 01, crouched at the side of a building, released controlled volleys of fire into the Third Angel, taking brief pauses in between bursts of fire. The Angel advanced on his position, stomping down the empty street and brushing without care into the buildings on either side of it. Shinji, however, held his ground and kept his fire on the enemy.
Asuka watched this play out the same way it had played out ever since Misato had witnessed the disastrous first attempt at a coordinated attack against an Angel in the simulators. She yawned, the sound echoing in the simulator plug. I am so sick of this fake shit. She sighed when she saw Unit 00 moving through the city exactly as she knew the other pilot would be, following the same route she always followed in every iteration of every training session. It's not even good training. She snorted quietly at the thought that someone could actually learn how to pilot by sitting in what amounted to little more than a bigger version of the Sega Saturn her once-friend Hikari had rarely used.
Unit 00 was using the distraction Unit 01 had provided to maneuver on the Angel out of its sight. The First Child stalked through the vacant cityscape in what would have been stealth if Unit 00 were human sized. The intended effect was achieved regardless, as Unit 00 jumped into the Angel from behind, neutralizing its AT field and plunging a knife into its back while Unit 01 erupted from behind cover and sprinted forward the short distance remaining between it and the Angel.
And there you go. No different than the hundreds of other times you've had them run the same fight over and over again. We need real experience, not this stuff, Misato!
As Shinji plunged Unit 01's dagger into the Angel's core, the simulation paused. "Excellent work," Misato congratulated. "We've got time for one more round today, I think."
"I'm done watching, it's all I've done for weeks. Third, you're with me," Asuka snapped. Even if it's simulated, I'd still rather fight than gawk.
"Ok, Asuka," Shinji answered as another copy of Unit 01 materialized to stand side by side with his in a virtual recreation of Tokyo III.
"Target is approaching from the east," Asuka said, glancing at one of the readouts displayed before her. The feeling of entering combat was starting to rise in her chest.
"I can get its attention so you can take it out," Shinji offered, his copy of Unit 01 turning to face the coming threat and shouldering a pallet rifle.
"No way, Third," Asuka scoffed. "I'm not waiting here for the Angel. Let's go." Without waiting for an acknowledgement, her copy of Unit 01 began sprinting towards the east. Much better. Even moving metaphorically felt better than sitting in place.
"Wait for me!" Shinji called after her, scrambling to gather up extra weapons from the cache before following. I've been falling asleep watching them accomplish nothing for so long. Asuka could feel the expected combat burning away her tiredness to make way for the knife edge of thrill and drea—and just thrill, there was nothing else that she could feel beginning to bleed into her.
Her throat felt tight as she kept her gaze darting about to keep an eye on her surroundings, alternating between the displays in front of her and the view through the eyes of the simulated Eva. She caught herself lingering on the sky but forced her attention back to the battlefield. Stupid sims. Stupid NERV. Stupid Misato. They've got me losing my focus.
"What are you doing?" Noises like voices echoed out of her comm system, but Asuka paid them no mind. She once more properly attuned her attention to the matter at hand and ejected her umbilical cable as she approached the limit of its range. These computers can recreate the city so well I can navigate even while I'm distracted, but they never get the feel of piloting right. I don't even feel my arms and legs moving like they should. She could feel herself starting to pant, her heartbeat thundering in her ears.
"The next umbilical station is two hundred meters away. We're sending up more weapons, so plug yourself in, arm yourself, and standby for Shinji." No, focus! Asuka attempted to force her breathing into control, it was so loud in her entry plug. If I were really synched to my Eva I wouldn't get distracted. Always making sure to stay aware of potential attacks from above or behind, she moved mostly on instinct: vaulting over shorter buildings, sliding around corners, and sprinting down straightaways.
"Can you hear me, Asuka? Lieutenant, get me control of her radio." Trees snapped beneath her feet as they crashed into the street beneath her with each step, propelling herself ever forward through the forested Geofront. The deep shrieking of bursting timbers and the abrupt crashes of winged giants landing in the dirt accompanied the sight of the blurred, towering buildings to either side of her as she raced through the city towards the target.
Her copy of Unit 01 turned a final corner, her speed forcing her to use one hand to grab onto the building next to her and slingshot herself down the next street. The feeling of the smooth, metal grip on the massive blade kept the tightness in her chest at bay. "Shinji, she's reached the target. There's another umbilical station nearby, plug in and grab an extra for 'Professor Soryu.' She seems to have gone deaf.'" Where the hell is Idiot Shinji?! Always hiding when I need him!
"I'll take care of this myself!" Asuka declared as she confronted the foe. Momma, you're with me, aren't you? Her eyes, at once noting the sickly orange 3:35:87 displayed under her active time remaining, jumped over the long white mask of a face to land on the shiny, bright red core in its chest.
"Seriously?! Just wait." Without giving time for the Angel to attack, Asuka bounded toward it while she cocked her arm behind her. Before she could make contact, however, an AT-field materialized directly between the combatants. What? I—no, I'm just not taking this kid game seriously, she thought, as she slammed bodily into the field, momentarily knocked back.
This gave the Angel time to leap away from the incoming threat, though not for long before Asuka's fists began descending on the field. Come on! She struck the barrier again, growling audibly as she struggled to get through. "This is the last one!" She yelled, putting as much strength as she could into punching her way through what was between her and the enemy.
It shattered in response, and Asuka bounded through where it had been, knowing her target had to be just behind it.
"Okay! That's enough!" What? That's not—huh? Asuka thought as she heard a voice she had not heard. Ignoring it, she smirked as her assumption bore out. The cheerful scarlet target right where it was supposed to be. She snarled as she grabbed onto the core with one hand, crushing down on it as hard as she could. It resisted her grip, but she could feel it slowly giving way to the strength of her large, red armored hand.
Asuka blinked as she froze in place and belatedly recognized Misato's voice. She was in the simulator, the purple hand of the faux Unit 01 grabbing onto the core of the Third Angel. She noticed another Unit 01 standing just behind her own in the simulated city, frozen in the act of plugging an umbilical cable into her Eva.
"Can you hear me, Asuka?" Misato asked, less worry than agitation coloring her voice.
"Ye—" She cleared her throat. "Yeah, what is it?" Asuka demanded, getting angry at the screen showing her superior's face.
"Your comms cut out," Misato answered after a slight scoff. "I was trying to tell you to give Shinji a moment to catch up, but you couldn't hear me. Good job taking out the Angel, I guess?"
"Whatever, thanks," Asuka muttered. "We done here? I'm tired of this simulator nonsense."
Asuka paid no concern to whatever Misato had to say after the hatch to the simulator plug opened seemingly in response to her complaint. Why am I so exhausted, she thought as she exited the confined space not to enter into the Eva cages, as she had almost expected, but into the testing bay where NERV kept the entry plugs used for simulation training and other activities that did not require direct connection to an Evangelion.
All I did was one round in the simulator, I need to get it together. Despite how leaden her eyelids suddenly felt, she still instinctively checked above her as she clambered heavily down from the plug. Staring at her from the auxiliary bridge overlooking the bay was Captain Katsuragi with her left arm cradling her torso and her right holding her chin.
Asuka rolled her eyes and trudged toward the exit. Whatever. I just want a shower. Then maybe a meal. Then I have to be ready for tomorrow. She could feel her plugsuit squeezing her clammy skin and dreaded to think of the mess her hair must be. Not so bad as LCL but I still feel gross. It was normally a short walk to the locker rooms from the testing area but Asuka's desire to avoid the other pilots, along with how tired she felt, made progress toward her goal slow.
Come on, you're almost done for the day, she tried to encourage herself to overcome the drained feeling she was experiencing. You can collapse when you get back to your bunk. Her throat suddenly constricted at the thought of being too tired to make it to her bed. She remembered a time when her handler would, on rare occasion, deign to allow her to sleep in his bed when training had left her as drained as she was now. Even if he did sleep on the floor, or, more likely, not spend the night in his quarters at all, his kindness had comforted her. Even if the rejection had stung almost as much.
"Excuse me, Pilot Soryu," a blue and white blur murmured softly as Asuka barged into the female locker room.
"Watch where you're going, First," Asuka snapped automatically, sounding more fed up than angry. She did not bother to look up or wait for a reply. She barely made sure the door was closed before stripping off her plugsuit and tossing it on the ground. Shivering, she grabbed an armful of towels and shower necessities from her locker.
The distance between her locker and the showers seemed even greater than the trek to the locker room, but eventually Asuka made her way into a shower stall and, after some interminable waiting for the flow to heat up, finally felt the sweet release of warm water cascading over her. Coupled with the hot, steamy air and the soothing sensation of her fingers massaging the salty grime off of her scalp and out of her hair, Asuka lost track of time.
Ω
She emerged from the locker room not so reinvigorated as she might have hoped but nonetheless feeling up to tackling a meal before trying to bury the awful day she had had beneath her bed sheets. If Misato puts us back in that simulator I'm going to scream. The path between the locker room and the cafeteria was one she rarely travelled—either before or now—and the empty hallways echoed with her lone footsteps as she walked. I need to come up with something to get her off the idea of simulators.
Asuka grimaced as she entered the mostly empty dining facility, the sterile reek of cleaning chemicals mixing with the mildly offensive odour of what could only charitably be called food to assault her nostrils. There was about as much variety on offer as she had in her choice of NERV uniforms, so Asuka just grabbed a tray and took the closest food options available before making her way to a table.
"I'd almost rather starve," she grumbled aloud as she grimaced at a bowl of what was supposed to be rice. "At least the Third made food that was edible." The grains were overcooked to the point of mushiness and tasted—Asuka decided not to notice the taste as she ate mechanically, moving on from the rice to something she did not look at. How am I supposed to maintain my performance if I'm eating this garbage.
Her meal was interrupted by the wumph of someone sitting across from her at her chosen table.
"Still sticking to the dining facility, I see." Misato observed. "You know he always makes something for you, too." Why can't people just let me work in peace. Asuka caught the scent of lavender as it wafted over to her from the intruder's direction. She pretended not to notice the arrival, keeping her attention on her food as she scowled. I only have to eat this food, then today is over. Except for waiting for tomorrow. The soft clattering of a bento being opened reminded Asuka of why she was eating NERV cafeteria food.
"I'd normally eat with Rits if I were staying late enough to have dinner here," Misato said conversationally as she began to eat the premade meal Asuka was not sneaking the occasional glance at. Almost anything would be better than this. "But it seems even she has more of a social life than me these days." Not enough protein, didn't I tell someone to do something about that already?
Asuka swallowed the stolid mush of what she declared to be a type of vegetable that she had been chewing on and deliberately took another bite. Leave me alone, Misato.
The silence between them stretched into the awkward as the pair continued to eat and not look at one another. Asuka endured it hoping to force her opponent to concede.
"Well, actually," Misato broke out casually, "she told me she was too busy with work tonight. But wouldn't it be more interesting if she were seeing someone and trying to cover it up?"
You're disgusting. Misato, and the so-called rice she had just put in her mouth. Who wants to think about an old hag doing that with somebody. Asuka had to redouble her efforts to not gag.
"I'm just joking," Misato said quietly. Then, slightly louder. "She really is married to her work—barely even makes time for her cats." She took some time to poke her chopsticks around her bento feigning picking at her food, but Asuka could see the box was empty as she continued to work through her own meal.
"Your radio still broken or something, Asuka?"
The girl jolted slightly, finally looking up to meet her superior's eyes while drawing her own brows down in anger.
Only to be pre-empted when Misato smiled softly in response. "Another joke, sorry. I know what really happened."
What? No, I—Asuka momentarily panicked but swiftly remembered her anger. Nothing happened! "Or something, huh?" She said hotly, her voice shrill and loud enough to turn the heads of some of the cafeteria staff. They turned again, away this time, when they saw Asuka's intense glare directed at Misato.
"Don't worry," she placated with her hands held up loosely in mock surrender. "I won't tell anyone else."
"There's nothing to tell." Asuka declared after a hmph. She dropped her cutlery onto her tray, her forced appetite gone.
"Right," Misato chuckled. "Our self-proclaimed 'lead pilot' just ignored all commands from the bridge and charged an Angel solo while her teammate had to sprint to not even make it in time to help." Misato shook her head and sighed airily while Asuka felt her face turn hot. "You forget, I've been around for a while. Not that I'm old! But I understand what you're going through."
"There's nothing to understand," Asuka growled threateningly, hands gripping the edges of the table that she was now noticing would be so easy to vault over to close with her attacker. Everything was normal. I was just distracted and couldn't hear and how can anyone expect a real professional like me to take a game like that seriously? I killed the Angel, that's what matters. "It's just a stupid simulator. Nobody even cares what happened." Just stop pretending to care.
"Asuka," Misato began exasperatedly, "I'm not planning any sort of disciplinary action, that would be ridiculous. So, stop denying—"
"Disciplinary action?!" Asuka scoffed. "For doing my job?!" Thanks for the favour! And for dropping the act!
"No," Captain Katsuragi restarted deliberately, "for disobeying orders." Misato smiled again—Asuka suddenly wished to see what face Misato would make if she knew how many orders Misato herself had broken in the future fighting the Angels—but her voice still carried her weariness. "But like I said, that's not happening. Plus, I muted your comms as soon as I figured out what was going on. It's easier to say there was some malfunction where we couldn't hear each other rather than have to explain to my boss that my lead pilot—the Second Child—was bored and wanted to use NERV resources to blow off steam."
Right! I was just blowing off steam—like a child. It's that Idiot Shinji's fault anyway! If he had kept up with me no one would care that I killed the Angel so quickly because the Invincible Shinji would have gotten all the credit!
Misato shook her head ruefully as Asuka simmered. "Next time you feel like having a bit of fun like that, just let me know, ok? We'll work something out." No one would care if the Third Child did it! You just hate me! Misato cocked her head to the side and squinted one eye at Asuka. "Kids still like airsoft guns and paintball, right? Shinji has some friends I'm sure he's dying to introduce you to, you all can—"
"Misato!" Asuka interrupted agitatedly. "No more kid stuff! We—they!—need real training," she said haughtily, turning her nose up. We certainly don't have time for school friends!
"All right, all right," Misato answered. "Real pilot training only." The older woman's face scrunched up like she was considering saying something but had thought better of it. "Most of the people I served with would've loved to do some training like that," she almost whispered to herself. "But," she began, at a more conversational volume, "you're probably right, let's stick to more traditional methods." Misato suddenly turned grave. "Rits tells me I don't take my job seriously, too, but you're both wrong, you know."
Great. Now you've lumped me in the same category as Doctor Bottle Blonde, the famously bitchy. "Then let us train. Properly train, Misato. This simulator nonsense is wasting time." Asuka detested how petulant she sounded but maintained a strong mask of determination.
"I'm not so sure, but I can clearly see it's time to work some other things into the schedule and break things up." Misato began to gather up the detritus of her meal as she spoke. "For now, though, we're taking a few days off. Some down time will give us a clear perspective, then we can figure out how we want to move forward."
"Down time?!" Asuka asked incredulously. The Sixth Angel is almost here, what do you mean down time?!
"Perhaps I wasn't clear," Captain Katsuragi said evenly. "I am ordering you, and the other pilots, to take a period of recovery. That means no working with Doctor Akagi, no testing, and no training. I don't even want you kids in the Geofront, though I realize that will still be an issue given your current living situation." Asuka felt her disbelief grow with every word the Operations Director spoke but bit her tongue when her superior's affect shifted back to informal. You have to be joking, like before. You have to be. "I keep telling you to take some time for yourself. Well, now I'm ordering it. Have some fun, Asuka. I know you don't like hearing it, but you're a teenage girl. Try to take advanta—."
"I am not some child!" Asuka emphasized her outrage with a fist slamming onto the table. "I am an elite pilot, and I don't have time for—for time off!"
Misato frowned and took in a deep breath, holding it for a moment before releasing it. "If you want to spend your free time running errands for the science department and organizing training sessions for your peers, be my guest. But I will make sure everyone knows playing along with you is voluntary."
Asuka's eyes widened and her nostrils flared. "Fine!" She shrieked. The girl stood up sharply, her chair clattering backwards behind her. Misato rolled her eyes in response as Asuka turned to leave. All the tenseness that the steam of the shower had relieved her of earlier had returned and now seemed to pour out of her as she walked.
"You're still on standby, obviously, and any other standing orders still apply. I know that bum Kaji doesn't set any rules for you, so other than that I don't care what you do for the next few days." Asuka tried to drown out the information with the stomping of her feet against the ground. It was not nearly as loud as she remembered a girl being when she broke down in the bathroom while no one outside did anything.
You've never cared about me.
"I've got that conference I told you about soon, we'll resume your training plan afterwards. Ok?" Misato called after her, apparently trying to be conciliatory.
You never will. Why would you.
Ω
Asuka pumped her arms and legs in a dead sprint as she rounded her final lap around the track. The muscles in her legs, previously burning, were now screaming at her in protest. Her lungs, seemingly in solidarity with the rest of her depleted and aching frame, were difficult to convince that the steady pace the pilot was forcing them to expand and contract was supplying her with sufficient oxygen. The exertion and the determination to finish strong were more than enough to keep Asuka distracted.
It would have continued to distract her if she were not suddenly confronted by an intruder in her space. The First Child, wearing her customary school uniform, had entered the room and positioned herself at the edge of the track sometime during the Second Child's previous lap while her back was to the door. Asuka closed her eyes and pushed herself even harder, blowing past her finish line without even looking at the time.
As she continued to circle around the track she slowed to a light jog and opened her eyes. She tried to focus on her body rather than the other girl. In, two, three, she counted each step as she inhaled, posture picture perfect to allow for maximum efficiency, out, two, three, four, she counted as she exhaled. Her chest was attempting to heave after her extreme exertion, desperate for oxygen to supply her anaerobic muscles. The curve of the track betrayed her and brought the First back into view. She had taken a seat on a bench. The one Asuka's things were also resting on.
This vacation is horrible. Can't she bother someone else?
The loop returned its allegiance and Ayanami was behind Asuka, out of her view, once more. Her muscle groups she sometimes forgot existed ached as they struggled to shuffle her leaden legs along at the relatively unhurried, steady pace Asuka had slowed to for the end of her cooldown. Crossing the finish line once more saw her with heavy but easily controlled breathing and her eyes locked on to the white of the towel waiting for her on the bench, not the white of the First's exposed skin next to it.
She snatched up the towel and brought it up to her face as quickly as she could only to wipe the sweat from her forehead, not bury her face. Is there some sort of sign on my ass that says "annoying losers come talk to me" or are the First and Third just coincidentally always finding themselves alone around me. Thus fortified, she lowered the towel and glared at her fellow pilot.
She's just been staring at me this whole time. "You forget how to read a clock, First? Training doesn't start for three more hours." Not that she's dressed for it. Oh, wait, Idiot Shinji probably forgot to order her to get changed first.
Rei, still staring, narrowed her eyes at Asuka. At least they've been coming, though, a very quiet part of her admitted before being seized and silenced. Not that she even has a choice! Her Ikari-kun probably tells her to come because he's too scared to come alone. And he only wants to come so he can stare at both of us, like I'm some doll! Coward!
"I am not here to train." The pale girl appeared to have been pondering the question. "Captain Katsuragi asked me to inform you of recent events," Rei said with what Asuka swore was condescension.
"So you do whatever Misato says," Asuka said derisively. Why bother with her, she's just a useless doll and nothing I can do will change that. I need to focus on more important things. Once Momma gets here Sh—I can do this without her.
"I," Rei began but cut herself off with a frown. "Misato-san did not order me. She asked me. As I said."
"Oh, it's Misato-san now, is it? Asuka jeered, tossing her towel over her shoulder and moving to stand directly in front of Rei. "Live in her apartment for a while and now you're friends?"
Shocking Asuka, Rei's eyes darted to the ground before she spoke again. "She has asked me to be less formal with her many times. The situation does not always merit it. It is difficult to determine what is appropriate." The barest hint of colour in her cheeks contrasted prettily with her blue hair. "Ikari-kun has been deployed in Unit 01 to apprehend a non-Angel threat," she said in what amounted to haste from the First Child.
"What did you say?!" Asuka demanded. Deployed in Unit 01? But I'm right here!
"A mechanical weapon designed to fight Angels without the use of a living pilot has stopped following remote orders. The weapon is currently approaching a nearby city," Rei explained, able to meet Asuka's accusing stare.
"What? Some kind of robot, you mean?" Someone said something, right? Rei nodded in response. "How would a robot fight an Angel? Everyone knows only an Evangelion can do that." Why does this sound familiar?
"Those responsible for the weapon design did not consult me. I think, perhaps, they were more interested in building a human weapon rather than building something that could defeat an Angel."
"Stop being so literal, Ayanami! Never mind, why is this crazy robot NERV's mess to clean up? What if he—err, one of us, or somebody got hurt trying to stop it?" It's not like NERV had anything to do with their doll going nuts. It can't be important. That's why—that's why I don't remember.
"A nuclear reactor powers the machine. We have been told it will explode in one hour," Rei informed her.
"They sent Shinji out there?!" Asuka screeched, her jaw dropping slightly and her hands grabbing her hips in outrage. When did—why is this happening? Why am I only just now finding out? What happened? I've been slacking off! "Who uses nuclear power in a combat system for a robot that can't beat an Angel?!"
"It is a human work," Rei replied simply. "Surely humans chose to use such a power system." Asuka was still debating whether she had been insulted when Rei stood from the bench. The corners of her mouth twitched upward the slightest bit, making it quite possibly the largest smile Asuka had ever seen from the First Child. If she can make her face look that cute, why does she walk around like an emotionless doll all the time? "Captain Katsuragi believes she can disable it. Ikari-kun must simply prevent the machine from reaching its apparent goal long enough to allow her access to its generator."
Rei turned to leave. Asuka, now more confused than she had been before Ayanami had explained anything, stood still in Rei's minimal wake.
"That was a joke, earlier." The confusing girl said as she stopped in the doorway, still facing away from Asuka. It was? "About the time."
"You mean he has less?!" Asuka dropped her arms to hang at her sides.
"You know I am capable of reading a clock, so you implied I was not. Not in error. In jest. Goodbye, Soryu."
"Huh? Hey, wait!" You—"Fine!" Asuka huffed, stepping up and turning to sit on the bench. Just go run off to Ikari-kun and Misato-san and tell them how much of a bitch the Second Child was to you. She grabbed her water bottle and squeezed it. I'm not some kid they can just choose to inform about these things whenever it's convenient! And you send the First like she's my nanny!
She hefted the hand holding the water bottle behind her and chucked the bottle across the track as hard as she could. "Why did they want Shinji! I'm right here!" Focus. You have to work harder, Asuka chided herself as she watched the container hit the ground and slide across the floor. Show them the Great Asuka Langley Soryu!
Asuka shivered as the cool breeze of the Geofront's climate control system blew over her, reminding her how soaked with sweat her running clothes were. I need to make sure their meals have enough salt; has he been accounting for getting out of the simulator?
Ω
"There you are, Asuka." The mentioned girl looked up from her screen to glance quickly over her shoulder. Unexpectedly, her ears had not lied to her. Kaji? I haven't seen you in ages. Her surprised expression shifted to an angry one. Not that I wanted to anyway!
"What do you want, Kaji." Asuka said irritably. She turned back to her work and watched streams of data flow across her screen. Who programmed this garbage? Why is the maximum number of hostile Angels limited to nine?
"I may have deserved that," Kaji said sagely. "I'm sorry if it seems like I've abandoned you, kiddo. We just haven't had any chances to speak." Asuka's shoulders hunched at the reminder of her place in his view. She heard him walk up behind her and felt his hand hover millimeters over her head. A very faint rush of air as he reconsidered his decision and pulled his hand away caused a few stray hairs to tickle Asuka's neck.
You can't abandon someone you were never there for to begin with. Get back to work. Asuka reminded herself of disheveled suits and perfume. Of outrage and covering for her. But the man's place in her heart was too secure, and his apparent attempt at reconciliation too sorely desired, for him to be ignored so easily. "It's ok, I know you've been busy," she answered, dejected, with a deep sigh. She turned off her screen, no longer interested in the calculations and predictions she had asked the Magi to work on and spun around slowly to face Kaji directly. She tried to offer him the bright smile she normally displayed just for him but could not muster even the fake cheer necessary.
She wanted—well, there were a great many things she wanted. "Did you come to see me?" She asked, a note of hope sneaking its way into her voice despite her somewhat mixed feelings towards her still-technically guardian. I shouldn't, but—well, I'm on vacation. I just want a break. A small one. With a real man.
"I sure did," Kaji replied, that familiar troublesome smile placed on his stubbled, roguish face. He always did look so handsome. "What do you say we get out of here? There's something I've been meaning to show you for a while now."
Asuka felt her pulse quicken and barely registered the words he had spoken after confirming the purpose of his visit. "Really?" She asked, and she hated how deprived she sounded, hated as her face began to turn red. Stupid little girl. Everyone already thinks you're just some immature child, the lovesick schoolgirl routine isn't helping! I should just get back to work. But he came to see me! Excitement prickled Asuka's skin.
"Yup. Come on, Asuka," he said, indicating for her to stand and follow him. He followed the gesture with a wink and Asuka felt her resistance melting away. This is a how a real man asks a woman for a date.
"But I've got to get changed," Asuka frowned as she rose. She tugged at the tan fabric of the NERV uniform blouse she was wearing as she walked toward Kaji, who had turned to begin exiting the deserted bridge. I can't go on a date dressed like this!
"Is that so?" Kaji asked lightly as Asuka struggled to match her pace to his after almost running to catch up with him. He draped an arm over her shoulder with such casualness that it made even Asuka almost forget how reluctant he had always been, will be, is, to make such gestures. What's going on? I—Asuka's blush managed to deepen, and she failed to stop a contented smile from breaking out on her face before Kaji looked down to her and smiled back. "Because someone I know said you never look anything less than beautiful no matter what you're wearing. I could be paraphrasing, but I'm sure you know best. Did you want to stop by your quarters?"
Asuka squeezed her eyes shut and rested her head against Kaji's shoulder. He never said—has something happened? "No, thank you, Kaji," she mumbled, too confused and too caught up in disbelief to detest how timid her voice sounded. Any thought of returning to her room to change was no longer welcome near her. He thinks I'm beautiful. He always has? No, I need to focus. This is just a little break. She tried to remember the smell of lavender.
"I mean, of course the Great Asuka Langley Soryu can make any outfit look great!" She said forcefully. Memories of a man's jacket covering her shoulders and a man's voice telling her to go to bed were losing ground, banished by his arm covering her shoulders, his voice calling her beautiful.
Don't get carried away. You're indulging in some harmless fun; you know you can't really have this. Remember what he thinks of you. Even if he calls it a date, he'll only ever care about her. She took advantage of the position of her head to examine the scent of his shirt as they entered an elevator. Cologne, detergent from the NERV laundry facilities, cigarettes. Not lavender. Not today, not yet. Or could this really be just for me?
"Where are we going?" Asuka asked. Kaji's arm drifted off of her shoulder for him to press the button for their destination and did not return to its perch. It was almost upsetting to her how pleased she was with what was missing.
"Oh, just a little place I have in mind," Kaji answered evasively.
She wanted to be concerned with the way he kept adjusting his loose tie. She wanted to be held closer. She wanted to return to the work. She wanted her mother. She wanted to be wanted. She wanted to know why he kept looking at his watch. She wanted to be complemented again. She wanted him to tell her where they were going.
"A restaurant?" Asuka asked, not quite dolefully. He never treats eating together like a date. As if I would waste time eating with any boy I wouldn't date! But a meal is good. You have more important things to do than play pretend, Soryu. He still thinks I'm some kind of kid but at least I can get back to the work more quickly. She swallowed a yawn.
"No," Kaji said coyly after letting her question hang in the air for a few moments. He did not elaborate as he led her out of the elevator and through a series of gates, checkpoints, and security fences. She was too focused on determining the implications of his no to notice as they emerged into the broad, open expanse of the Geofront's artificially maintained nature preserve. So is he serious about this?! I—I don't know what's going on! This didn't happen! A real date with Kaji?
"Where, then?" Asuka questioned him, trying her best to wear a flirtatious pout, hoping she did not sound petulant. "It's rude to keep a lady waiting in suspense, you know."
"You'll find out soon," Kaji assured her. Asuka suppressed a growl and separated the smallest amount from his side, lifting her head to finally take stock of her surroundings. She made sure to keep her arm at least loosely wrapped around Kaji. Wait, outside? No, still in the Geofront. The ground beneath her had at some point in their journey transitioned from hard pavement to soft grass. Where could he possibly have in mind?
She glanced up at the huge, domed ceiling of the Geofront as Kaji led them towards a small dirt trail that meandered around a copse of trees. The lack of a visible sky did nothing to prevent her throat from constricting and tension to build in her muscles. No, no, not now! Asuka tried to fight the rising feeling of panic that was attempting to settle over her. It's just nerves, that's it! I'm on a date with Kaji and I'm a little nervous!
"Are we almost there?" Asuka asked around her partially clenched teeth, trying to sound curious rather than on edge. Asuka listened to the sounds of their feet against the muffling dirt of the path, the faint rustling of fabric as their clothes moved with them, the wind rustling through trees. She did not hear sickening groans, snapping bones, and gnashing teeth. She smelled sap, damp earth, and crushed grass. Not blood. Not lavender. She swallowed, and there was no LCL in her mouth. She buried her face back into Kaji's shoulder and hugged him tightly. I'm fine. I'm with Kaji and I'm fine. He'll help me. I just needed—need! Not needed—I need to relax. That's the help I meant. I didn't need anyone.
"Almost," Kaji answered with a hum. He was seemingly unperturbed by Asuka's clinginess, only glancing down to check his watch again from time to time. Nothing bad is happening. Asuka no longer needed to struggle to keep her breathing calm. Thoughts of lolling red tongues and grasping fingers like terrible hooked claws were assuaged by the care she was shown from a man that would always be important to her. I'm just excited because this is my first real date. With a real man. And maybe I've been focusing too much on the work so I'm more excited than normal.
"We're here," Kaji said fondly. Asuka looked up—certainly not hesitantly—to a small shack at the end of the trail standing rather forlornly next to a patch of weedy, disturbed earth.
"Huh?" She asked, her panic mostly gone. In its stead was the jittery, familiar pre-fight excitement and nothing good to use it for. That, and confusion. She raised an eyebrow at what she had taken to be a muddy spot of weeds, finally realizing they were growing uniformly in neat rows. Seedlings?
"This is my little get-away," Kaji finally answered. He disentangled himself from Asuka, who suddenly felt adrift without his warmth and closeness to anchor her. I—
"It isn't much to look at yet," he continued as he stepped away from Asuka. She tried to focus on his words, the way he walked, the sound of his voice. This is still a date. Nothing is wrong.
"But to me," Kaji said as he squatted at the edge of the dark dirt, leaving Asuka to stand alone, "it's a beautiful garden." He reached down to take a small handful of soil and work it between his fingers. "My own little watermelon patch." Asuka was too focused on his speaking to listen to what he had to say. It took the rest of her concentration to walk the few steps separating them and kneel on the ground next to him. She leaned into him and felt her heart settle. A little fun time. Just for me. That's what this is. I don't need him. I don't need help. It's just nice to relax once in a while.
Kaji stood, careful to watch for Asuka's balance as she lowered one hand to the ground to steady herself. Now that she was closer, the smell of the damp soil became more prominent than the lack of lavender perfume. A hand rested on her shoulder. His hand was strong and big, as a man's hand should be. Not as other hands were. She could almost feel the adrenaline filtering out of her system, the wind swept from her sails.
"I know it might sound silly, Asuka," Kaji said gently to the open air above her head. "But these plants depend on me."
Who cares about some stupid melons? This is supposed to be a date! She almost snapped out. Instead, she tightened one hand around a fistful of dirt. It did not resist her efforts, compressing easily into packed earth. No creaking or cracking accompanied it's change of shape, no red glow shone from between her fingers. "Is this what you do all day?" She asked evenly. She was kneeling at the edge of plot of disturbed earth. There was nothing to merit any sort of panic. A date with Kaji. That's exciting. She dropped the dirt and turned to look at Kaji, but the smile she showed him failed to reach her eyes. She felt so tired.
"Sometimes it feels like I spend all day working but no one notices."
What's that supposed to mean? I know you've got at least some responsibilities as a UN Inspector. Not to mention all the gag-worthy "flirting with anything in a skirt" which you know I hate. You can't just dig around in the dirt all day. "But you enjoy it?" Asuka asked, trying to keep the conversation going as she struggled against fatigue to think of a way to steer the occasion back to a date.
"It may not always feel like it, but there's nothing in the world I'd rather be doing." Kaji squeezed her shoulder affectionately. Asuka's smile finally met her eyes, even if his stare was focused somewhere only he could see. See? Everything is fine. I'm on a date with Kaji!
"Well, I notice, Kaji," Asuka said happily, stifling a yawn. She reached a hand up to place it on his, but he drew the hand away just before her fingertips were able to brush against his. Asuka tried not to let Kaji notice her flinch as he checked his watch.
"Thank you, Asuka," he said, though Asuka was confused by the sadness she heard. Did I say something wrong? Should I have waited? Kaji, I'm too tired for games. The Walls of Jericho, waking up in a bed, alone. Games she had lost before.
"Kaji," she said slowly as she stood, not even giving him time to step away before she had an arm around his waist. Her plan was forming. "What time is it?" Too tired to walk home after training.
"Not quite 1930," He answered with a frown. Asuka ignored how he had only pretended to glance at his watch. Look at me! "Bored of my work already?" Kaji asked with a soft chuckle.
"No, it's wonderful," she lied. Just like old times. Remember? "But I'm so tired, I don't think someone's vacation idea has helped at all." If Misato hadn't ordered this time off Idiot Shinji wouldn't have been the one to fight that Jet Whatever. No one would have been able to overlook me if I were working like normal.
"Can't you stay up a bit later, Asuka?" Kaji asked as he finally put his arm back around her shoulder. Oh! Well, I—he means here? But he should take me home—Asuka blushed deeply as her plan raced off out of her control. I don't think I want to spend the night with him out here. She steadied herself with one hand against his chest, leaning into him.
"If I'm with you, I don't mind," Asuka said softly as she rested her head on his breast. Just as long as I'm with you. Thoughts of the Walls of Jericho crumbled.
"Good," he answered, using the arm he had placed on her shoulder to take her arm off his chest. Asuka was about to protest until he pulled away entirely with a gentle "Wait right here, Asuka, let me grab something." He walked into the shed and Asuka yawned widely as she did as he asked.
He returned quickly to offer a small collapsable camp chair, unfolding it and placing it beside Asuka. He offered his hand as Asuka raised an eyebrow.
She took the offered hand, and he gently led her to sit on the chair. "But where will you sit, Kaji?"
"I won't need one," he answered with a grin as he dropped her hand. She had not figured out what he had meant before he was already seated on the ground next to her, the height of the chair bringing her shoulder up to his head level. "So you were saying your vacation isn't going well?"
What a gentleman. He takes care of me, and he listens! "Oh, it's just awful, Kaji," Asuka stifled the compulsion to call him Ryoji. That would be too far, right? "Misato shuffles me off out of the way and suddenly it's always the Third Child who they need, as if he were any better than me."
"It can be frustrating when it feels like no one else understands how hard you work. It can feel like no one sees you. Or, at least, they don't see you the way you want to be seen." You do understand! I've missed you, Kaji. "But different people have their own ways of doing things. Just because you don't understand what someone is doing doesn't mean they aren't trying to help."
"I guess, maybe," Asuka said as she wished she could rest her head on his shoulder. Her neck was starting to prove incapable of the burden. "But enough about that," she said, wishing she had an angle to grab onto his arm from where she was sitting that would not be too awkward. "I'm still pretty tired, Kaji," she murmured, trying to pitch her voice down the way she had heard Misa—other women do.
Kaji glanced up, a slightly concerned frown on his face. "Really? Are you feeling ok, Asuka?" He stood and glanced at his watch again as Asuka felt the Walls of Jericho rebuilding faster than they had fallen.
"I'm fine!" She rushed out. "I just, well, I've missed you, Kaji," she tried to start again. "Remember when you used to carry me home?" You understand, right? You'll bring me home, like a real man?
"Well, it's still not very late, but maybe I should see you home," Kaji said, once again offering his hand to Asuka. Oh, much better. He helped her stand before grabbing the chair and folding it back up. Asuka watched him walk to the shed and bit her bottom lip. This is working. Good.
She moved to start walking with him when he came back out of the shed, but he stopped her with a kind gesture and spun around so his back faced her, then took a knee. "Hop on, Asuka," he said, glancing over his shoulder. "I know you work hard. You really do deserve a break. Just like old times?"
Asuka blinked rapidly, her eyes hot, as she placed her arms over his shoulders and lifted her legs to wrap them around his waist as he stood. His hands hovered gingerly just below her legs, forcing Asuka to do most of the work in keeping herself aloft. But the gentle swaying of his gait, combined with her exhaustion, still found her drifting off as Kaji carried her back into the NERV headquarters.
"You know, it's good to have something to do, even when you're on vacation." Asuka liked hearing his voice reassure her, she could even feel it in her arms and chest from where she held herself close to him. "But it's better to do something that's not just more work. Maybe you could spend some time out here, instead." Asuka imagined eating meals together, walking together, sitting in the living room together, staring at his lips inches away from her face as they stand together in the kitchen.
Some annoying voice was yelling, interrupting her peace. She repositioned her arms, accidentally brushing against his cheek and felt, bizarrely, stubble. "You need to shave," she mumbled, already falling back to sleep.
An odd rumble in her chest, seemingly in response to that annoying voice yelling something, again. "No, wait, it was your breath that tickled," she slurred. I held your nose, you hated me so much you wouldn't even hold my hand to stop me.
She woke slowly to a voice she had been avoiding for days.
"You brought her here?!" Misato yelled.
"Kaji?" Asuka asked with a yawn. She blinked leisurely as she lifted her head from his shoulder. Still too groggy to be embarrassed by the wet patch of drool she had left on her impromptu pillow, even the patches that were closer to his collar than her mouth had been.
"She's exhausted, Katsuragi. Who's bed should I carry her to? Mine? She's a child. I'm bringing her home, like I should." He answered defensively.
"What's going on? You brought me home, right, Kaji?" Asuka asked, tightening her legs back up around his waist. When had she loosened them? How long has it been?
"You knew I had something planned, you horrible man!" Misato sulked angrily.
"Really, Katsuragi, she wasn't feeling well." Kaji said softly, the vibrations rumbling comfortably against Asuka's chest. What?
"But I'm fine, Kaji," Asuka said, rubbing one eye with a loosely clenched hand. The untended eye was no longer drooping closed. I have to be fine, you're supposed to come inside with me. We were just in the kitchen, though, right? Or was it the living room? What's going on? "Why is she interrupting our date?"
"A date? Just what did you let her think was going on?" Misato growled. Asuka was beginning to feel less tired. She noticed the hallway they were standing in, the familiar stain on the ceiling. You did bring me home. Like a real man.
Less tired than she had felt in longer than she could remember. Now that she was awake properly, she could feel that Kaji had grabbed onto her legs more securely while she had slept, but was now loosening his grip almost experimentally, as if testing how much he could let go without letting her fall.
"We had a chat. I showed her a little side project I'm working on. Come on, Katsuragi. What would you be implying, anyway?" He chuckled. Asuka felt soothed by the man's laugh causing another rumble in her chest where it pressed up against his back. She was disappointed at his words, however. But that was—oh, I get it. You don't want to embarrass me. As if I could be embarrassed of you!
"You don't have to pretend, Ryoji," she said theatrically, smirking at the older woman. I don't need to borrow your lavender perfume anymore, you decrepit drunk. Asuka could partially see men walking behind Misato, stacking boxes neatly while others carried them off in handcarts, but that was less important. "I don't mind if she knows we were on a date."
She felt, and heard, Kaji sigh deeply while Misato threw her hands up and rolled her eyes. What? Kaji? It's not that big of a deal, you don't need her anymore, I'm right here. I always have been. She debated between kissing his cheek or sticking out her tongue at her clearly defeated foe when said foe began walking away, towards the men she had been partially obscuring earlier. Revealing the door the men were moving boxes out of.
"Hey, kiddo," Kaji said, shaking his head and letting go entirely of her legs, still keeping his hands hovering below them. "You knew we were just talking. That wasn't a date, Asuka."
"You wait until now to tell her?!" Misato yelled accusatively over her shoulder, interrupting whatever she was saying to one of the men with a handcart.
Asuka finally connected what was happening.
"No!" Asuka shrieked, kicking her legs out to drop free from Kaji. They can't get rid of me! Nothing is wrong with me! I'm doing my job! I'm still better than everyone else!
"Asuka, calm down," Kaji said, turning to face her, turning to stand with Misato. "I don't know what you thought we were doing, but—"
"Just shut up!" Asuka yelled. "That's not—it was a date! But this is more important!" Misato crossed her arms over her chest and growled.
"You've really done it now, Kaji. All I asked you to do was distract her so I could move her stuff out—"
"You knew?!" Asuka yelled, stepping back from Kaji in outrage. They're getting rid of me and you didn't tell me?
"Of mice and men, right?" Kaji grinned at Misato, who raised an eyebrow at him.
"Don't ignore me!" Asuka demanded. "You can't just kick me out!"
"What?" Misato asked Kaji. She blinked and looked at Asuka. "What?" She asked again without waiting for a reply to her first question, looking more confused. "Kick you out? I mean, kinda, but only so that you can move in with me, Asuka. Oh, um—surprise?"
It was Asuka's turn to blink in confusion. "So, I'm not being sent back to Germany?" I'm not useless?
"NERV Berlin?" Misato asked incredulously. "Why would we send you there? We need you here, Asuka." Because no one else cares about what's going on. You want me here to do the work because you're too lazy and incompetent to do it yourself. "I just knew you wouldn't want to move away from your duties as a pilot, so I was trying to get Kaji to take you somewhere long enough for me to make it a surprise. But clearly he messed that up." She emphasized her ire with a glare at the man, who had moved to stand out of the way of the two arguing women.
"I'm moving in with you." Asuka said slowly. Her energy was starting to fade as another altercation ended sooner than expected. Her regular fog of fatigue was returning in its place. "Because you want me to take more time off?"
"Yup!" Misato smiled brightly and gave Asuka a thumbs up. Where were you before. Asuka swayed slightly in place. She remembered actually sleeping through the night, sometimes. Remembered clothes that cleaned, folded, and put themselves away seemingly autonomously. Remembered cleanliness that required no effort, meals that were brought to her.
But these days she was always busy. Working. Finding more work. Having trouble focusing because there was just so much to do, so much of it unimportant but annoyingly necessary. The long walk to the cafeteria. Cleaning up the accumulated mess in her room. Doing laundry.
If only she had more time to work instead of needing to focus on little things. And she was just tired. Who could want an annoying child like you, anyway. They need you, that's all that matters. At least this is proof.
"Ok," Asuka said, opening her eyes to see a slightly concerned Misato and an unreadable Kaji holding one hand up, ready to steady Asuka in case she stumbled. She restrained the urge to recoil from Kaji's touch. Even if it's just because they need me. "Fine." And I'm too busy to do chores around my quarters in the Geofront like a housewife. I have real work I need to do. Maybe this actually can help.