Hello? How stupid can you actually be?

25th August

A diary. Great. Just what I needed. The other gifts were nice, but this?

"Dear Pansy, Happy Birthday! Back then, my diary was my most important companion throughout my youth," my grandmother writes, sending me this empty book.

Exactly, Grandma - back then, about a hundred years ago! Even Mum were surprised that diaries still exist nowadays. Somewhat worrying, isn't it? Well, it's still better than those childish pyjamas she usually buys.

If I only had gotten it a week earlier, I would've had something to tell, as I went shopping with the girls in Diagon Alley!

Besides the new school supplies, Daddy also bought me: a cozy cashmere sweater from Twilfitt and Tatting's, makeup from Madam Primpernelle, a jewelled collar for Mabel (she's an adult lady cat now), a stash of sweets from Sugarplum's and my favourite ice-cream from Florean Fortescue - vanilla and orange marmalade with chocolate sauce.

Tracey dragged her mum into that Quidditch shop and came back with merchandise of any existing team, Millicent talked her dad into buying her a puffskein (apart from the half-bald head, she looks just like him by the way) and Daphne and her mum were disappointed to have missed Gilderoy Lockhart's autograph session at Flourish & Blotts the day before.

There were seven (!) Lockhart books on our list, because he's our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

He might look good. Okay, pretty good, I guess - but he's a book author, how boring is that?

Anyway, when we got home, even Mum freaked out as soon as she saw my pile of books. Though not from excitement, but from anger. Funny story; months ago, good Gilderoy ordered a dozen Spellbound Couture robes and tailored suits in all shades of blue, but hasn't paid a single Knut yet.

Something tells me, the year is going to be interesting.

2nd September

Hello, diary.

We're back at Hogwarts! And as we're no longer stupid, little first-years, we got a nice service after arriving at the train station: we were chauffeured to the castle in carriages.

The Thestrals pulling the carriages were invisible to everyone in our class, except for Ted and me, because we've seen a dead body before. Romantic, huh? Anyway, these creatures look really disgusting, like winged horse carcasses. And Ted even petted one, yuck!

Apart from that, it's like we've never been away. Dumbledore likes to hear himself talk, John Bletchley and Amanda Turner show the first-years how cool it is to be in Slytherin, Peeves gets on everyone's nerves and the boys talk about nothing but Quidditch. Except for Malfoy, who keeps retelling of his father punching Mr Weasley in Diagon Alley, and making fun of Harry Potter, who had been flying to school in an enchanted car. Apparently the Hogwarts Express wasn't good enough for this prat.

Today, we also started with my most hated subjects: Transfiguration and Herbology. McGonagall demanded us to turn a beetle into a button (I'll spare you the details of our miserable failure), and with Professor Sprout we had to repot Mandrakes. Great idea.

I pretended that my earmuffs had slipped off and faked a fainting spell, whereupon Sprout told Padma to bring me to the hospital wing. Then I persuaded Madam Pomfrey not to send Padma away, and we played "Two Lies One Truth" and "Who Am I?". That was a lot funnier than getting your freshly painted fingernails dirty.

4th September

Hello there!

Yesterday, the Gryffindors had Defence Against the Dark Arts. Hogwarts' biggest numbnuts Lavender Brown claimed, Professor Lockhart fled screaming for his mummy, after he lost control over a cage full of Cornish pixies. One student even should've been hanging from the chandelier.

Today, it was our turn.

Lockhart strutted in, delightfully gazing at a painting that shows him portraying himself. He literally ignored us, until I admired his Spellbound-robes. Then he laughed teasingly, stating that I had a keen eye. You think?

For the first "Gilderology"-class he handed out a questionnaire about his favourite season, daily hair care routine and stuff like that (Daphne was the only one who took the task seriously).

I just answered the question of his secret ambition: to pay his debts to Gemma Parkinson, mother of Pansy and owner of Spellbound Couture.

When he read that, he appeared to be stupefied and sent the others off far too early. Then he started to curry favour, talking about how much he loves Mum's robes, especially the forget-me-not blue ones, as they match his eye colour perfectly. And he said, I had misunderstood something about the payment. He had worn two of the suits in public after all, and there could be no better advertising for a fashion brand. But he would, of course, send my mother one of his books, with a personal dedication.

Hello? How stupid can you actually be?

I kindly pointed out that Mum has no need for advertising and isn't a fan either - however, I'm sure the press would love to know that Gilderoy Lockhart is a scammer, who simply doesn't pay for his customised designer clothes. But if I knew I would get an Outstanding on my certificate in his subject, it would make me forget the whole thing.

For a moment, he looked at me so flabbergasted, I thought he was having a stroke. But then he nodded, muttering something about paying by instalments.

Presto, it's done. What an efficient lesson. Mum and Dad will be proud of me!

21st September

It's me again.

Daphne was chatting with Lockhart in the courtyard today about his second mainstay: a hair care line for young witches. Of course she was very fond of the idea. And Lockhart of her hair. I have to prevent her from offering herself as a test subject, or she'll end up with a bald head.

And Millicent sold her puffskein to Hannah Abbott. It didn't work anymore, because Wilma always annoyed Lady and Mabel, so they all three used to chase each other through the dorm.

10th October

Last night was the night I almost killed Malfoy.

We were all sitting together in the common room, not long before curfew, when he came up with the idea to take a ride over the lake with the new Nimbus brooms (Draco is on the Quidditch team now, and his father bought expensive brooms for them which have only appeared in America so far).

I really had no desire for it, but didn't want to sit there all alone either. So we stole into the Slytherin's locker room, where those top-of-the-range models were widely admired, and Blaise decided to put one on his wish list for Christmas.

When they had calmed down, everyone, even Tracey, took a broom. Millicent sat behind her, Daphne behind Ted.

I insisted to fly with Draco, and no, I do not know how I could be so stupid. I figured, as a member of the Quidditch team, he surely wouldn't crash down somewhere. Well, he didn't. And I had made him swear not to fly fast. He didn't either. However, he thought it was hilarious to fly some loops and screws, even though I screamed so loud that every Mandrake would've gone green with envy!

When we landed, he ran away from me, laughing. Lucky for him that he was faster than me.

31st October

You have no idea what just happened here. Yes, sure, the Halloween party with those dancing skeletons was a pretty cool show (and for the first time, Dumbledore deserves a round of applause), but no one talks about that anymore.

Because after the feast, there was a tiny incident outside in the corridor, where we found Filch's cat, Mrs Norris, hanging stiff as a board from a torch bracket (although Amanda said she didn't look dead, but petrified). On the wall above, there was written in blood: The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware.

I have no clue what a Chamber of Secrets is, or who is an heir of what, but if they catch the one who did this, they'll probably put them straight into St. Mungo's Hospital.

Malfoy jumped at the opportunity to make himself look suspicious, because once again, he couldn't keep his mouth shut and warned the "Mudbloods" that they were next. But it's not his fault, he's simply a git. He's been in the Great Hall all evening, and would never discredit his family like this.

Plus, it wasn't even his handwriting. It looked rather feminine if you ask me. But no one does, of course.

7th November

While everyone else is still racking their brains and poring over books about Hogwarts' secret chambers, I've decided it's time to reward ourselves for the past few weeks.

So two days ago, I asked my house-elf Tessy to send me a large chocolate box and a selection of skincare and makeup products for organising a wellness evening. Nice of me, right?

The girls loved the surprise, of course, so we're going to make it a regular thing.

By the way, we spent this morning outside in the pouring rain (we played against Gryffindor and lost). Why exactly is there no indoor Quidditch?

8th November

There has been a second petrifying attack, this time on "Creepy Creevey", a first-year who follows Harry Potter like an obsessive fan and takes pictures of him constantly.

Rumour has it, we'll all be sent home and they even close the school entirely!

One thing's for sure: I'm going to Ilvermorny. Wild unicorns won't drag me to Beauxbatons, where my former friend - now enemy - Brienne Duval goes to school. Furthermore, it is said to be full of numbnuts.

And Durmstrang is hardly any better, unless you want to learn things in class that could land you in Azkaban just for knowing them.

That's maybe a bit exaggerated, but it has a kernel of truth.

28th November

Crabbe and Goyle stood outside the common room for almost two hours today. But not because they'd forgotten the password (together they can usually figure it out), they were just unable to pronounce Toujours Pur in French.

Well, that was actually the most exciting thing to happen in the past few weeks. Aside from Hogwarts not closing, of course.

19th December

Two days ago, we were all curious about a Duelling Club that had been announced at short notice, and speculated, who would teach us some combat spells. Flitwick, McGonagall, Snape, or even Dumbledore?

But then Mister Overconfidence himself pranced around the corner and rambled on for a while, before Snape sent him flying towards the far wall with a vigorous Disarming Charm.

Alas, Lockhart survived, albeit slightly disheveled, and suggested to let us students duel in pairs. Among others, it was Malfoy against Potter (how cliché) and Millicent against Hermione.

In order to rile Millicent up, I whispered to her that Hermione called her fat the other day. That was a lie, but in return we got to see a great fight, in which Millicent took Hermione in a headlock so tight, it looked like she was going to decapitate her.

Draco eventually decided - for whatever reason - to summon a snake, which became quite aggressive when Lockhart - for whatever reason - hurled it through the air. And then things got really crazy, when Potter suddenly talked to the snake and set it on Justin Finch-Fletchley from Hufflepuff! Luckily, Snape removed the animal just in time.

Harry Potter, a Parseltongue. That boy always comes up with something new to attract attention.

Oh, and yesterday, the same Finch-Fletchley and a ghost happened to be attacked. I don't have the faintest idea how to knock out a ghost, but he was all black and motionless. Ernie Macmillan then wafted him up the stairs to the hospital wing with a big fan, which looked so funny I almost peed my pants.

A lot happening, right? But hey, the holidays are coming and I'm sooo excited for my Christmas presents!

1st January

Happy New Year, diary!

Christmas was great, I got a cute satin kimono, a pink dragon leather handbag and the new perfume from Cécile Caron. But the best gift was a beautiful, sparkling watch that Daddy had engraved: For Pancake. That nickname is a bit childish, but therefore I keep it a secret.

And then, of course, there was Mum's party. Everyone was there! Well, almost everyone; Draco and his two henchmen stayed at Hogwarts over the holidays. Not that I missed them.

I persuaded Padma to come over as well. She came with her mother, who's very nice, so I couldn't find any similarities with Parvati apart from their looks. Even Ted was there, but without his father. He's not into parties.

And Gemma was so delighted with Daphne. She loves beautiful people (when they don't owe her money) and I'm sure she can't wait for Daphne to finish school, so she can hire her as a model.

Fleeing from the flattery, I was drawn to the glittering, colourful bracelets jingling on Poppy Green's wrists. Poppy is young, pretty, and has been the chief editor of Witch Weekly for a year.

She told me she had just returned from the Maldives and would be traveling to Nice next week. To go shopping. All paid by her generous friend Gilderoy Lockhart.

Seriously? This boaster is paying off his debts to my mother, while financing other people a luxury life?!

I swallowed my anger and my wine, and said that he must really like her. She then gave me a funny grin, whispering something about friends with benefits, which I will understand when I'm older.

No idea why Poppy got so secretive. Probably because Lockhart is such a moron. I mean, I don't buy Padma expensive stuff just because we're friends. I'm increasingly doubting that he was in Ravenclaw as a student.

Eventually I went upstairs with Padma and the others to show them Mum's wardrobe. Needless to say they freaked out and wanted to play fashion show.

Blaise was the jury and let Ted win. But he also had two glasses of Firewhisky. He cannot drink when his mother is around, because she doesn't allow him to. Kind of sweet, isn't it?

5th January

The holidays are over, and according to Draco, nothing special happened at Hogwarts. Only Crabbe and Goyle have supposedly behaved even dumber than usual, which is beyond my imagination to be honest.

Hermione is in the hospital wing, too, but they say she's just been infected with something. Millicent told us she caught a glimpse of her, and she should look exactly like her cat Lady. Good for Hermione - if that's true, she finally would've gotten pretty.

23rd January

Blaise and the others must've been incredibly bored last night. To annoy them, we girls had been hinting all day that secret things were going to happen in our dormitory after dinner. Meant here was our wellness evening, of course.

Anyway, I had just applied my strawberry face mask when it got loud in the hallway outside - the boys had actually tried to get into our dorm! But on their way downstairs they were surprised by a water fountain and got completely soaked. Obviously no one told them that, as a boy, you have to jump over the first and last two steps.

Quite embarrassing; alarmed by the noise, they were caught not only by us, but by many girls from the other grades before they got away, with Amanda yelling after them, too.

But when I think about it, I've seen one or the other boy disappear behind a door down here before.

14th February

By Salazar, this day is almost indescribable. Only this much: Even in the shower I still found confetti on me, and when I close my eyes, all I see is pink.

Lockhart used Valentine's Day for a tacky decoration of the Great Hall, and to hire golden-winged dwarfs to deliver Valentines between the students. It was a nightmare. Even the Bloody Baron was hiding all day.

Luckily, only a few joined in on this embarrassment. It was more than enough for me to overhear a third-year Ravenclaw girl's soppy poem for seventh-year Alex Sykes.

However, Marcus Flint sent Valentine cards on behalf of Oliver Wood to all of his male classmates, which was quite funny.

3rd March

Daphne's annoying. Her stupid school choir she set up with Lisa Turpin is supposed to perform at the beginning and the end of term. And therefore she's making a fuss now.

You don't meet her without a scarf or kerchief anymore, she lives on cough drops and lemon tea, and hardly ever participates in class. Today she even asked Professor Binns not to have to make her presentation next week, in order to save her voice. For the choir performance. In June!

It couldn't get any sillier. At least Binns would not hear of this nonsense.

26th of March

Sorry, no time to write. Homework, everyday life, you know.

13th April

Okay, now it's getting serious - we have to choose our two new subjects for the coming year. Or rather one, as we're all going to choose Care of Magical Creatures, of course (it's a well-known fact that Professor Kettleburn rarely gives homework, and even more rarely bad marks).

So that leaves Divination, Arithmancy, and Ancient Runes. Well, there's also Muggle Studies, but the only one even considering that is Daphne.

Millicent and I tend towards Divination, Tracey and Ted are torn between Arithmancy and Runes, and Blaise and Draco signed in for Arithmancy straightaway. Crabbe and Goyle had the same thing in mind, but Snape advised them to choose Divination because of the smaller learning effort.

He is right. We have the rest of our lives to be intellectual, why make it difficult already now?

17th April

I told Tessy to fill the chocolates for the wellness evening with liqueur. What a great idea! I can't remember exactly why, but the girls and I ended up laughing so hard, I almost got sick.

9th May

A lot has happened since yesterday, e.g. a fourth attack no one expected - this time on Penelope Clearwater from Ravenclaw and Hermione - and Dumbledore has been suspended by Draco's father and the school governors! Although the Deputy Headmistress, Professor McGonagall, speaks of a short-term leave of absence; she probably doesn't want the job either. Oh, and Hagrid is even said to have been taken to Azkaban, no idea why.

Draco is filled with glee, even though all Quidditch matches have been cancelled (which, in turn, upsets some students more than Dumbledore's absence). Daphne, on the other hand, is distraught, since the matter of the school choir is uncertain now.

For my part, I stay calm and wait.

I wonder what colours the Ilvermorny uniforms might have.

8th June

Dumbledore and Hagrid are back. Yay. But Mr Malfoy was fired as Chairman of the Hogwarts Board of Governors. And something happened with their house-elf, but I wasn't really listening. Anyway, Draco is hopping mad.

Furthermore, all petrified students, ghosts, and cats are up and about again. Only one is missing: Gilderoy, who's being treated for an accident with an oblivion spell, and who won't return as a teacher. Thank. Merlin.

I don't know if he still owes Mum money, but at least he fulfilled his end of the bargain; that Outstanding suits my certificate very well. The exams, however, have been cancelled completely. So in most subjects we have the same marks as last year.

Gryffindor has won the House Cup once again, because Dumbledore gave a ridiculous amount of points to Potter and his friends, who were involved in a secret mission. Maybe next year he will finally come up with something new.

At least Daphne was happy to perform a weird song about merpeople with her choir, and the party in the common room was pretty cool, too.

Among others, we said goodbye to John and Amanda, who later kissed each other fiercely. Ugh! Millicent and Daphne were dancing together, or rather fidgeting, the boys learned trick spells by a couple of fourth-years, and Tracey, after two Butterbeers with a shot, had an increased need to talk. I left eventually, because she kept repeating that she's going to spend the summer with relatives in Barcelona. I think even the Bloody Baron knows it by now. Tracey has a low tolerance for alcohol.

20th June

Dear diary, today I am writing to you while sitting on my bed in London.

Let's see what summer brings. Mum and Dad seem to be in a bad mood about something, but maybe Padma can visit me for a few days.

And there's one more thing ... The school year is over, and my time as a twelve-year-old witch is running out. Thirteen means I'm a teenager, thus almost an adult. At that age you don't write diary anymore. I hope you understand. But don't be sad, I'm keeping you in my bedside drawer, it's nice and cozy there.

Bye-bye!

Pansy