Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
"… Should we… Know who these two are?" A confused Akaishi asked.
"They are the masterminds behind everything that has happened today," Igarashi said solemnly. "Well, everything that happened at the school, they had nothing to do with Chic kidnapping Yukimi… I think."
"They absolutely did not! It was completely my idea!" Chic exclaimed indignantly as the class and their chaperones and other tagalongs arrived, having yet again stepped out from safety to see what was going on despite it rather clearly being a terrible idea.
"Ook," Georgina agreed.
"Those are Zitt, the Game Master of Bad Ends and right hand of Suel, Executive Producer and founder of the Desire Grand Prix-" Nana began to explain, only to be interrupted when all the kids – and quite a few of the adults, for that matter – burst into laughter.
Zitt's scowl darkened. "It's a perfectly good name where I come from…" He grumbled.
"And what, was your Papa's name, Pimpel?" George teased. "Oh, and your mama was named Rash!"
"Wait, hang on, aren't those Battletoad names?" Hiromi recalled.
"Oh wow, you actually remember they existed? I didn't think anyone did anymore!" A pleased Tamaki remarked.
"It would be nice if more people remembered I existed," Hikaru lamented.
"I remember you exist, son," his demon father assured him.
"He doesn't have a father, he's an artificial being created by Suel," Giff informed them.
"So… Does that make him his father, or-" Ampaz asked.
"I do not believe they have that kind of relationship, no."
"Oh," Tamaki said awkwardly. "Sorry?"
"Don't apologize to him! Especially not when he has a stupid name like that!" George chided him.
"It's not stupid!" Zitt snapped. "By insulting it, you're insulting the man who gave it to me!"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing," George said bluntly.
"Ha ha, your name is dumb and so is the man who gave it to you-Evo!" Evolto-Chan laughed. "Children, let's all point and laugh at him-Evo!"
"But Miss Takayama says bullying and calling people names is wrong," Veila whimpered.
"It absolutely is. But I'll allow it this once," Nana told her.
Evolto-Chan, the children, and the more immature grown-ups – which was most of them – pointed and laughed at the increasingly irate Zitt.
"Now everyone, let's not be so rash about judging Zitt here, do we really need to pop his ego anymore before we inevitably cream him?" Aruto punned.
"And that's how you know it's an Aruto!" His entire family exclaimed, doing the pose, as the ghost of Vulcan burst into laughter and Pico chirped happily.
"You know, I'm starting to reconsider our daughter marrying into that family," Emu admitted to Poppy, who smacked him.
"Hey Goro, didn't you shoot him earlier?" Asagi recalled.
"I did, and it doesn't look like he's injured anymore. Either they healed him with futuristic technology, or this Suel person destroyed him and remade him from scratch," Goro observed.
"Which is it?" Parasoleil asked.
"I'm not going to tell you!" Zitt snapped.
"Yeah, he totally got killed and remade," Slavi concluded.
"Hey, shoot him again, maybe this time he'll pop like a weasel!" Jinx prompted.
Everyone stared at her. "Since when do weasels pop?" A bewildered Misora asked.
"You know, like in that old nursery rhyme! Huh, now that I think about it, an awful lot of old nursery rhymes are actually pretty horrifying," Jinx realized.
"Nom-Nom."
"I am weasel!" Paimon shouted randomly. "And you are baboon!" He said, pointing at Georgina.
"Ook?"
"She's a gorilla, you imbecile!" An affronted Chic yelled.
"Huh, I didn't think anyone remembered that old show," the Baron commented.
"Show?" Paimon asked.
"Let it go, it's not like it'll matter in a minute anyway," Astaroth advised the fuming Zitt.
"And you are…?" Hana asked.
The Demon Lord drew himself up. "I am the mighty demon lord and Great Duke of hell, Astaroth-"
Evolto-Chan pointed at him and laughed. "Ha ha, the first part of his name sounds like 'ass!' Children, let's all point and laugh at him-Evo!"
The students all looked to Nana, who sighed. "I'll allow it this time as well."
Evolto-Chan, the children, and the more immature grown-ups – which was most of them – pointed and laughed at the increasingly irate Astaroth.
"Let it go, it's not like it'll matter in a minute anyway," Zitt sneered.
"Oh shut up," the Demon Lord snapped.
"Astaroth? More like… His ass, to roast!" Aruto shouted. "And that's how you know it's an Aruto!"
Everyone stared at him blankly. The ghost of Vulcan laughed, but Hazu shook her head in disappointment. "Father. No."
"Pico!"
"There, there," Izu said, patting her husband on the shoulder as he huddled in a corner, blue with despair.
"Astaroth… Oh, right, that's the so-called demon lord you outwitted to help Serafina get Eden into heaven, my lord," Azuma recalled.
"For which we are still eternally grateful," Serafina said with a smile.
"He didn't outwit me!" Astaroth protested.
"Yes I did," Giff replied. "It was incredibly easy."
"Shut up!"
"So, is there a reason you are here, or…?" Kojiro asked, hoping they wanted to fight to give him an excuse to cut loose some more, especially if they really were the ones who had nearly gotten his son killed.
"You may have thought you won by defeating Barbatos and his entire army-" Zitt began.
"Yes, that seems very much like a win to me," Izu interjected.
"Shut up! Suel and our patrons are furious! They were told this was going to be a bloodbath where all the heroes and the cute obnoxious children died horribly at the hands of overwhelming evil! This wasn't supposed to be yet another boring game where good triumphs over evil at the last second! That's not my brand!" Zitt ranted.
"Maybe you should try a different brand to clear up your eczema?" Masumi suggested.
George gaped at his father in incredulity as everyone burst into laughter again. "Daddy! Goddamn!" he shouted joyously, giving him a high-five.
"That's ENOUGH!" Zitt shouted, snapping his fingers and causing a Jyamato Area to enclose the entirety of Area 666.
To his aggravation, everyone regarded this more with mild annoyance and frustration than the fear he felt it deserved. "Oh no, trapped in a dome again," a bored Neycombe snarked. "Whatever will we do."
"You'll die," Zitt said coldly, producing a gold belt with a screen vaguely resembling an eye for the buckle.
ZILLION DRIVER!
Nana gasped in horror. "Oh no… If he's using that Driver, then…"
"Wait, are we actually in danger?" An alarmed Goro asked.
"Incredible danger! That belt is Suel's and can only be used by him or those with his authorization!" A terrified Nana explained. "Which means-"
"With it, I act with the full authority of the Executive Producer and am empowered directly by the audience!" Zitt gloated as thousands and thousands of eye-shaped floating cameras appeared in the air around them, all of them booing the heroes and shouting insults at them, especially the frightened children. "Millions and millions of viewers back in my time are watching this right now, all of them demanding your deaths!"
"You Zyumans are nothing but furry bait!" One camera shouted at Goro's kittens, only to be destroyed by violent gunfire from Goro and Shitsuki's axe.
"You're FAT! Fat fat fat!" Another sneered at Rayco, who burst into tears.
"You're nothing but a man eater! A monster! You should be put down-" one yelled at Mugu only to be brutally erased from existence by Nushi and Ariel.
"Your entire people are sluts and you'll grow up to be one too!" One yelled at Hislava.
The Pythonian and her sister exchange confused looks. "Yeah, so?"
"Nom-Nom!" Nom-Nom gurgled, a camera already halfway in her mouth.
"Go back to space! We don't want you here!" A camera yelled at Philia.
"I don't want to be here either!" She cried.
"You're a shallow attention whore and literal energy vampire and exactly like every other so-called social media influencer in existence!" A camera yelled at Neycombe. "And you only took in that ugly gross bug to make yourself look better-"
The verbal abuse was cut off by giant energy fangs burying themselves in the camera. "Don't. You. DARE speak of her," Neycombe hissed, causing Veila to blush.
"You're boring! Everyone else in the class is much more interesting than you! You having cool parents doesn't make you cool! And you're a shit alchemist!" A camera screamed at Masaki.
"I don't even want to be an alchemist!" Masaki protested as his father crushed the camera in his bare hands.
"You're a boring OP Mary Sue-" a camera started to say to Kaseihime, only to find itself immediately transported to Jupiter.
"I don't believe in you or your God, so your presence on this show offends me severely!" A camera screamed at a very confused Cherubi and her family.
"Robots aren't people and your videogame girlfriend is even less of one! You should both be scrapped!" Another camera yelled at Hazu and Pico, who just looked bored.
"It would seem being from the future hasn't given people like you new material," Hazu commented.
"Pico!"
"All of you being in love with and wanting to marry each other at your age is either incredibly wholesome or creepy, but either way I hate it!" a camera petulantly declared to the entire class.
"It would seem that no matter what, petty hatred will always exist," Giff murmured, distraught. "Are all my efforts for naught, then? Is the salvation I seek to bring to humanity one which will never come to fruition? Is this truly all that the future holds?"
"Your disguises are STUPID!" A camera yelled at him.
"Your lies demean us both," he said dismissively.
"This can't be… Is the future truly such a depraved place that the deaths and tears of children are something to celebrate?!" An outraged Astarte demanded as everyone tried to destroy as many cameras as they could, only for more and more to keep spawning and bombarding them with verbal abuse – some of it really hurtful, poor Tamaki was in tears – and George had gotten into a heated argument with a camera who claimed that Kamen Riders were "cringe."
"You're a disgusting pedophile-"
Astarte destroyed the camera without looking.
Zitt laughed. "If it weren't, would the DGP even exist in the first place?"
"You exaggerate, Zitt," Nana said angrily. "I know full well that the viewers you cater to only represent a small subset of the overall audience."
"You're not a person and you never will be! This attempt to try to fit into society is nothing more than a pathetic joke, just like you!" A camera yelled at her, causing her to flinch.
"A small but influential subset," Zitt corrected her. "Mustn't disappoint the people holding our purse strings, after all! And so, with their wishes fueling me, I have more than enough power to wipe all of you from existence and bring this insipid, tired story to the Bad End – no, the Grand End – it deserves!"
He placed his thumb on the Stigma Metricser on top of his Driver.
REGAD! ACCESS!
As the cameras began swirling around him and everyone tensed for battle, he produced a key card. "Hen-"
GATHER ROUND. GATHER ROUND. GATHER ROUND.
He hesitated as a spider-shaped phone lowered on a string to hang before him.
GATHER ROUND. GATHER ROUND. GATHER ROUND.
"Are you… Are you going to answer that, or…?" Igarashi asked.
"All of you being shoved into a single body is a perfect metaphor for how messed up and freakish your family is!" A camera yelled at them. "Oh, and Lovekov is fat-"
Astarte, Hana, and Hani reacted rather violently to this assertion.
Zitt's eye twitched as the phone kept ringing. "Give me a second," he grumbled, holding up a finger as he swiped the phone out of the air and answered it, turning away from everyone. "Look, this isn't a good time-"
His eyes widened and he stiffened. "Sir?! I-I'm very sorry, if I'd realized it was you I would've answered right away-" He frowned. "Wait, hold on, what are you… That's… WHAT?!"
He glanced at the confused heroes, shocked. "But… But sir, I've got them right here! I can erase them from existence in just…"
His shoulders slumped. "But… But I… Yes… Yes, sir… I understand. Goodbye."
He hung up the phone, stared at it for a minute, then angrily dashed it to the ground and stomped on it several times, swearing at the top of his lungs.
"Shouldn't you be covering our ears, dad?" Mei asked her father.
"I've actually never heard most of those," Goro admitted.
"Well, he is from the future," Kojiro pointed out. "These swears haven't been invented yet."
"So, does that mean we can use them-" Rayco started.
"NO," the parents shouted, though Parasoleil looked as if she were considering it.
"Er… Zitt? Are you all right?" Astaroth asked in concern. "Are we doing this, or-"
Zitt took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and slowly turned around. "That was my boss. He, uh… He's calling the whole thing off."
There was a beat.
"NANI?!" Everyone shouted in disbelief.
"What… What are you talking about, calling it off?!" An incredulous Astaroth demanded. "We have them right where we want them!"
"No you don't," Igarashi said.
"Shut up!"
The audience didn't seem too pleased by this either and started angrily swarming Zitt, demanding answers. "Yes, I'm sorry too… I had no idea this was going to happen… No, you're not getting a refund… Look, I'm sorry, this is all a big shock to me as well… Just, all of you go home, okay? Pack it up! We're done here!"
Furious, the cameras rapidly teleported away, though not without numerous threats implying they were going to talk to his manager.
"I… I don't understand. You're giving up?" A confused Nana stammered. "But… You never give up. You always see every one of your games through to its Bad End."
"Yes, well, there's a first thing for everything," Zitt grunted, clearly disgruntled and unhappy.
"But-"
"Look, it's over, okay?!" Zitt snapped. "You win! Good triumphs over evil! You and your class all get to live! We'll even forgo erasing everyone's memories! Isn't that good enough for you people?!"
"Well, yes, of course it is," Nana said hesitantly. "I just… I don't understand. Why?"
"Yeah, it all seems kind of anticlimactic," Hiromi agreed.
"And completely against our agreement!" Astaroth protested.
"Look, I don't know why either, okay?!" Zitt yelled. "Suel just called and told me the whole game's been canceled! This has never happened before! Your guess is as good as mine!"
"Perhaps I can shed some light on the matter?"
"Oh! Lady Kyuubi!" Nana gasped as the gorgeous kitsune appeared, striding towards them confidently.
"We're back!" Kyuko cried.
"Did you miss us?" Nyaria purred.
Usa twitched her nose but said nothing.
"We did, actually," Jun said shyly, blushing.
"You guys missed out on all the fun!" Mei said with a smirk.
"I didn't have fun…" Veila muttered.
"Oh hey, look who came crawling back," Asagi sneered.
"Like I told you before, I made the choice I believed was right to protect my children, a choice most of you would make if the same option was presented to you," Kyuubi replied.
"I did not," Izu pointed out.
"No, you didn't," Kyuubi agreed. "For which you have my respect. I'm sorry you all had to go through all that, but I don't regret the decision I made. Especially since it put me in a position to save you all."
"What?! How?!" Zitt protested. "We locked you in your lounge and made sure you couldn't make any calls!"
"You did, but that was not enough to stop me from thwarting your plans," Kyuubi said smugly. "As my daughters and I watched everything happening from the lounge, they pleaded with me desperately to find some way to save their beloved friends and future concubines-"
"Their what now-" Emu stammered.
"Oh! That's right! All the kids are going to marry each other! Isn't that pipopapoperfect?!" Poppy squealed.
Emu gave her an incredulous look.
"We aren't going to be their concubines, they'll be mine!" Neycombe insisted.
"No, mine," Philia argued.
"Mine," Hazu said firmly.
"Mine," Kaseihime said with absolute certainty, as if daring the universe to say otherwise.
"All of you are wrong," Astarte said, taking that dare. "You're Lovekov's harem."
The children considered this very seriously.
"Oh yeah, that makes sense."
"Totally."
"It's obvious in hindsight."
"I can't imagine it any differently."
"This is an acceptable outcome."
"Shitsuki approves of this."
"Wait, that was actually ever in doubt?"
"Pico!"
"Nom-Nom!"
Igarashi squeaked, turning red.
Slavi sniffled. "My baby sis, part of such a huge polycule at such a young age… I'm so proud of her!"
"I'm… Not the only one who's totally confused here, am I?" Sento asked.
Quite a few other people murmured in agreement.
"In any event," Kyuubi spoke up, trying to get them back on track. "My children asked me to save their friends and future lovers, but there was nothing I could do. After I brought them back from the underworld, I'd promised my beloved daughters that I would do absolutely anything for them, and it looked as if, for the very first time, I'd be forced to break that promise." She smiled. "But then I realized I was being too shortsighted. There wasn't anything I could do at that instant… But in the future? Now, that was another story."
There were a few puzzled looks, and then Giff laughed. "Oh, of course, you're immortal, like me!"
"What does that have to do with anything?" Asked Asagi, who totally wasn't jealous about that.
"It was pointed out earlier that Kyuubi is potentially the biggest sponsor of the DGP in this or any other era," Giff reminded her. "And given her immortality, there is no reason why that should not continue into the distant future… Even to the very point where the DGP itself is established, and beyond!"
Kyuubi nodded. "Quite right. I'd initially considered withdrawing my sponsorship to severely curtail their actions in this time, but realized I wasn't thinking big enough. It wouldn't stop them from pulling something like this again, and, even more importantly, wouldn't make my daughters happy. So, I made a note to myself that as soon as this was over, I would slowly buy up all the companies and organizations that would, over the eons, eventually lead to the advent of the Desire Grand Prix, giving me an incredible amount of influence over it. I would then wait until the game you have just been playing was announced and leverage my influence to pressure Suel to cancel it at the last minute lest I get his entire show canceled. Suel would have no choice but to comply, and so everyone would be saved."
"… Wait, that… I don't understand," Ryuga said.
"Like that's a surprise-Evo," Evolto-Chan teased.
"You decided that you would eventually do something about it, and that caused something to happen now?" The brawler demanded.
Kyuubi nodded. "Yes, because my future self would remember the moment I decided to do something about it, and do something about it when the time came, forcing the DGP management to cancel what was happening in this era."
"But you didn't do anything!"
"No, I didn't do anything yet."
"But that's-"
"Banjo, you're never going to get it, let it go," Sento advised.
"So… That actually worked?" An incredulous Hana demanded.
"Seeing as how you're all still alive, I would say yes, it did," Kyuubi confirmed. "And also because my future self traveled back in time briefly to tell me it worked."
"Oh."
"Wait, then… Why didn't your future self just prevent the DGP from enacting this game in the first place?" Misora demanded.
"Or better yet, keep the DGP from ever being created in the first place?" Bishop asked.
"Because if the DGP never existed, or never initiated this game, then I wouldn't have had a reason to prevent the DGP from ever existing or starting this game, meaning the DGP would exist and start this game," Kyuubi explained.
"Also, I would never have existed in the first place," Nana added. "It would've caused a temporal paracox."
"You mean a paradox?" Sento prompted.
Nana shook her head and Giff burst into laughter. "Oh no, this would be much worse."
"Also, it would have given King Tokiwa-" Kyuubi began.
"May he reign forever," almost everyone chanted.
"A migraine, and we wouldn't want that," the kitsune said sternly, which everyone agreed would not be a good thing.
"So that's what happened?" An irritated Zitt muttered. "I can't believe Suel could be outmaneuvered like that…"
"Your master is a very powerful entity, but his show can't exist without supporters," Kyuubi pointed out. "Just like you, he panders to the audience, and to his sponsors, because he needs us far more than we need him. Now, I'm not going to pull the plug on the DGP – or at least, my future self won't, or not yet – since despite your actions today, you have still been a notable source of entertainment and power for me. However, putting myself, my daughters, and their friends in harm's way will not go unanswered, which is why I intend to command all my slaves in business, politics, and the media to stop bankrolling the DGP and turning a blind eye to it in this era, greatly limiting your actions in this time. And should you or your master try anything against us, against everyone here, I will guarantee that you won't be able to host any new seasons of the game in the next thousand years at a minimum. Do I make myself clear?"
"… Damn, I want to be like her when I grow up," Hana whispered.
"Give it time," Astarte told her gently.
Zitt gritted his teeth. "Yes. I understand. But don't think this is over," he said as he started to teleport away. "We have something you don't: time, and lots of it. One way or another, we will find a workaround, and then I'll give every single one of you the Worst End I can conceive of-"
A gunshot rang out, and Zitt cried out as blood stained his shirt, a shocked look on his face before he disappeared completely, the Jyamar Area fading with him.
Everyone turned to look at Goro in surprise. "What?" He said, gun smoking. "He left himself totally open."
"Dad, you're the best," Jun said softly as Shitsuki nodded in respect.
"Aw, thanks son."
"Well, don't think you can get away with doing that to me!" Astaroth snapped.
"I won't," Goro promised.
"Good, at least you have a modicum of respect-"
"I'm out of ammo."
"We have plenty more!" One of the JSDF soldiers shouted.
"Thanks, Hebishima!"
Astaroth's eyes widened in alarm. "… Right. Anyway! You may have thwarted me once again, Giff-"
"I can't take all the credit, this was really more of a team effort," Giff interjected.
"Regardless! This is not over! I, too, shall one day have my revenge!" Astaroth threatened, summoning a portal to hell.
"Actually," Giff said, smug look on his face. "You will never bother any of us ever again."
Astaroth blinked, unaware of the figure forming in the portal behind him. "What do you-"
He froze, feeling a shadow cast over him. Eyes wide, he turned to see a towering slender shadow with four eyes glaring balefully down at him-
"Sonny boy!" Paimon shouted suddenly.
The figure blinked and suddenly resolved itself into an anthropomorphic owl demon with a white face, regal clothes and robe, and a top hat. "Father? What happened to you?"
"Lightning round!" Paimon shouted happily, causing everyone to suddenly get struck by lightning. He and Jinx were the only ones who seemed to enjoy it.
"… Right," the new demon said after a moment, coughing up smoke.
"Who is that?" Hiromi demanded.
"Prince Stolas, a very powerful demon of the Goetia family," Serafina informed him.
"Stronger than Barbatos?" Igarashi asked.
"Much stronger."
Ryu groaned. "Oh God, are we about to fight another super demon?"
"No, Stolas is one of the nicer ones," Lilim assured him. "He's actually the one who helped me sneak Eden out of hell, with a little assistance from Asmodeus."
"The guy from the really strange Saber and Zenkaiger crossover which took itself too seriously and tried to be incredibly deep and philosophical and meta and just looked dumb instead?" A confused Igarashi asked.
"No, the real one. He governs over Lust," Lilim explained. "I've heard he's actually a pretty sweet guy, now that he's with his current boyfriend."
"Ah."
"I was happy to help! I have a bit of a fondness for starcrossed lovers," Stolas said with a longing sigh.
"P-Prince Stolas?! What are you doing here?!" The startled Astaroth demanded.
"Oh, well, I'm sorry to tell you this," Stolas said, looking genuinely apologetic. "But I'm afraid I'm here to expel you from the Goetia family, strip you of your titles, domain, staff, souls, and possessions, give all of them to Lord Giff, and banish you from hell forever."
"WHAT?!" Astaroth cried, and he wasn't the only one surprised by this. "But… But why?!"
"Breach of contract," Stolas explained, producing a document and presenting it to the flabbergasted Astaroth. "You've broken the terms of your deal with Giff, I'm afraid."
"WHAT?!" Astaroth screamed. "I haven't! I had my lawyers review that contract very carefully! I have neither directly nor indirectly done anything to threaten or harm Giff, his family, or anyone he cares about!"
"Well, yes, that's true," Stolas admitted. "You did, however, break the terms of your restraining order."
"Restraining – what restraining order?! I looked over the contract countless times! There is nothing that says I have to stay away from Giff or his cohorts!" Astaroth protested.
And that's when Giff began to laugh, long and loud.
Astaroth froze. "What. What did you do."
Giff grinned. "Children!" He boomed. "And everyone else, who, while still being mature for their species, might as well be children in comparison to me! Yes, that includes you too, Evolto-Chan!"
Evolto-Chan huffed.
"Giff, you're not that much older than me," an exasperated Astarte pointed out. "You were only sired a few hundred million years before I was."
"Still counts! Now, all of you, bear witness to my brilliance! For I, the great demon king Giff, am so amazing even the devil himself must bow before my genius!" Giff declared.
"Astaroth isn't actually the devil-" a confused Stolas spoke up.
"Just let him have this, there's no stopping him when he gets like this," Azuma said wearily.
"Behold!" Giff said, conjuring a projection of a large sheet of paper covered in unreadable text." As you can all clearly see, this is the original contract between myself and Astaroth!"
"Actually, most of us can't read that," Tamaki said apologetically.
"Oh. Well, you'll just have to take my word for it."
"Okay."
"Now! As all of you who can read this can see, at no point in this contract does it state that Astaroth will be penalized if he comes anywhere near me, my family, my allies, or Serafina and her family," Giff said, gesturing at the contract.
"That's what I was saying-" Astaroth argued.
"HOWEVER!" Giff bellowed, cutting him off. "If you take the document, and rearrange it just so…"
He grabbed the projection and, in a matter of seconds, folded it into an origami replica of himself. Quite a few people applauded, it was quite good.
"You will now see… That a new clause has been revealed!" Giff stated, pointing at several lines of rearranged text on the origami sculpture, which lit up. "Stating that should Astaroth be within 20 m of myself, my family, my allies, or members of Serafina's family twice, he will be found guilty of breach of contract and must forfeit everything he possesses!"
"WHAT?!" Astaroth shrieked.
Stolas laughed giddily and clapped his hands like a child. "I almost didn't find it when I first reviewed the contract! It was quite clever of you to slip it in like that. I love words!"
"I love you!" Paimon announced abruptly.
Stolas gasped and started tearing up. "I've always wanted to hear you say that," he sobbed, hugging his father.
"That's… That's not possible," Astaroth stammered.
Giff chuckled and shook his head. "Amateur. Anyone can hide something in the fine print. But it takes a true master to hide something in plain sight!"
"Wait, hang on, did you rip this off from Shrek Forever After?" Misora asked suspiciously.
"I have no idea what that is, but it sounds terrible," Giff said.
"He's not wrong," Igarashi admitted.
"I liked it…" Aruto muttered.
"That… That can't possibly be legally binding!" Astaroth protested.
"No, it is," Stolas informed him. "Although… Lord Giff, I must ask, why did you phrase it like that? Why would he only be penalized if he gets too close to you twice? Wouldn't once make more sense?"
"You would think so, but I knew it would only be a matter of time until Astaroth either found a loophole or got too angry to care and returned to have his revenge," Giff explained. "And he's too angry and prideful to send a proxy in his place, so he would no doubt appear himself to brag about how I or whomever he was targeting had fallen right into his hands. If he was penalized that instant, while his power would be broken, that would not necessarily guarantee whatever he's planning would be thwarted. Therefore, by setting the terms of the restraining order to two strikes, I would guarantee that when Astaroth inevitably showed up again to either gloat or swear vengeance again once his scheme was foiled, he would walk right into my trap. And lo and behold, that's exactly what happened!"
Stolas squealed and clapped again. "Oh my, how devious! You truly are a devil!"
"I try," Giff said humbly.
"… Okay, as much as I hate to admit it, that's actually pretty slick-Evo," Evolto-Chan grudgingly admitted.
"You always were good at the art of the deal," Astarte admitted with a hint of fondness.
"But… But then… That means…" Astaroth stammered, trembling.
"Everything that is yours," Giff said as his origami sculpture rearranged itself into a massive set of jaws. "Now belongs to me!"
The jaws opened wide, and Astaroth howled in agony as demonic energy burst from his body and flowed into the paper maw, thousands of screaming, agonized souls tearing out of his chest only to be transferred into the holding of a new master.
While this was going on, Stolas approached Giff, carrying a rather massive stack of paperwork. "Anyway, here's all the appropriate documentation," the Prince said. "The deeds to Astaroth's estate and holdings, proof of ownership of all his possessions, the contracts for his employees and slaves, his bank statements, your certificate of induction into the Goetia family, your title, your license to condemn and sin without restraint, the keys to all his vehicles, and memberships to all the best clubs and strip joints in the Lust rings. If you'll just sign here… Initial there… Stamp here… Drop of blood there…"
Giff produced his stamp and quickly processed all the paperwork while Astaroth continued writhing and screaming in agony in the background, everyone watching in morbid fascination as the demons performed what had to be a major bureaucratic miracle right before their eyes.
"And… Done!" Stolas announced after the last document had been stamped. "Congratulations! You are now a Great Duke of Hell, making you one of the most powerful demons in hell! What with this and the seemingly permanent defeats of Barbatos and apparently his entire army, the infernal lowerarchy hasn't had a shakeup like this since Phenex left! Oh, hello there, Phenex, I didn't notice you."
"Hello," the holy bird said.
"While we are on the subject, I'm going to heaven to move in with Phenex," Marchosias announced, tail wagging happily.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" Nushi congratulated him. "I'm glad you get to have your happy ending. I'm just a little sorry we couldn't help you ourselves."
"I totally would have, but, you know, the Angels were right there," Ariel commented, nodding at the Angels.
"I know. I still appreciate the fact that you offered in the first place," the demon replied.
Stolas gasped and clasped his hands together, eyes wide. "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you! I always thought you made the cutest couple!"
"… This is a demon lord stronger than Barbatos?" Goro muttered in disbelief.
"Yeah, he is kind of a dork," Lilim admitted. "Mind you, one who horrifically slaughtered an entire clandestine government agency single-handedly to save his boyfriend."
"That's so romantic!" Ampaz squealed, quite a few people, as well as her fellow Pythonians, nodding in agreement.
Everyone had gotten so used to Astaroth screaming in the background that it almost came as a surprise when he suddenly stopped and collapsed to the ground, shriveled and emaciated, his wings crumbling to dust. "My power…" He rasped. "My souls… All gone…"
"Such is the fate of all who would dare cross swords with the demon king Giff," Giff said derisively as the fully sated origami jaws crumpled itself into a ball, which he stuffed into his mouth, chewing on it noisily.
"What… Will become of me now?" Astaroth moaned.
"KILL HIM!" Hana shouted. "He tried to get my daughter killed!"
"And us!" Mugu added.
"Which I don't care about nearly as much, except that you dying would've made my daughter sad!" Hana declared, which everyone agreed would have been a tragedy indeed.
"We'd be perfectly happy to smite him for you," Serafina offered. "I still owe him one for everything he put Eden and I through."
"Now darling, you know that Eden would never want you to hurt someone for her sake," Ofanina said with maternal sweetness. "I, however, have no problem whatsoever making him die screaming for threatening my precious future daughter-in-law."
As Astaroth paled in terror, Giff shook his head. "Thank you, but no. While I had considered killing him and devouring him and his delicious malice, I came up with a much better, much crueler alternative. What with Daiji proving himself to be a mostly adequate grandson now-"
"Thank you, progenitor," Igarashi said gratefully.
"And of course Kagerou would never do it, and since Giff-kun has managed to escape-"
"Dear God, that thing is on the loose?!" A horrified Masumi exclaimed.
"I only hope we can find it before it kills again," Azuma said gravely.
"We probably won't though," Akaishi said pessimistically.
"ARARAT needs a new mascot, and you'll do just fine!" Giff told the increasingly horrified Astaroth. "Not only will you be forced to entertain children and promote my efforts to better this world, both things I know you'll despise, but by enslaving a powerful demon lord to my will I will demonstrate to all that even the Masters of hell must bow before the might of the demon king Giff!"
"No NO! Anything but that!" Astaroth screamed desperately.
"Brilliant as always, master!" Akaishi applauded. "Once again, you demonstrate your cunning, and why you should be both feared and respected!"
"You don't need to brown nose him all the time, you know," Azuma muttered.
"Shut up."
"Okay, yeah, that's definitely a fate worse than death, I think we're all satisfied with that," Goro admitted, pretty much everyone nodding in agreement.
"We'll definitely bring our kids to ARARAT so they can take turns kicking you in the crotch!" Asagi said eagerly.
"Which isn't really the sort of thing we should be letting them do, but I think an exception can be made in this case," Nushi admitted as all the children got devious looks on their faces.
"Splendid! I'll make sure you all receive lifetime passes to ARARAT as well as priority suites should any of you decide to join our community, or at the very least spend the weekend. Akaishi, make sure they all get lifetime passes," Giff commanded.
"Yes, my Lord."
"I already have mine!" Jinx said cheerfully.
"Really? Wow, quick work, Akaishi, keep it up," an impressed Giff told his confused servant.
"We'd tell you being a mascot isn't that bad, but that would be a complete lie," Igarashi said, patting the whimpering Astaroth on the shoulder. "We can get you a codpiece, but those break a lot quicker than you'd expect. Also, get used to the smell of vomit, kids will be throwing up on you a lot. We know a good brand of detergent to clean your uniform but trust us when we say the smell will never really go away."
"PLEASE!" Astaroth shrieked, scooting towards the Angels on his knees. "Smite me! You are supposed to be merciful beings! Grant me the release of death!"
"It is true that we are supposed to be merciful," Ofanina admitted. "But… We also believe in fairness. This seems like a more than adequate punishment for all your sins."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Astaroth shrieked to the heavens and anguish.
"Ooooh, how delightfully wicked! You're going to fit in well down under!" Stolas said giddily, bowing and tipping his hat to Giff. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to hell to start transferring all of Astaroth's assets to you. Also, we'll be holding a little party to welcome you, you should receive the invitation within the week."
"I look forward to it," Giff said, bowing in return.
"Father! Time to go home! I think it's time you finally get to meet your granddaughter!" Stolas called to Paimon, who'd been having a staring contest with Nom-Nom and losing.
"Okay. Bye-bye!" Paimon said, waving to everyone as he walked backwards, tripped over a rock, and fell on his back, where he continued mindlessly waving at the clouds. "Pretty…"
Stolas had a conflicted look on his face as he picked the addled demon up and brushed off his back. "You know, it's obvious you're unwell, but I really do prefer you like this… Do I take you to the hospital or leave it be? Decisions, decisions… Oh well, I'll figure something out later. Toodles!" Stolas sang, tearing open another portal to hell and vanishing through it along with his father.
Astarte shook her head. "And just like that, you are now part of another Pantheon."
"Do you want in? I'm sure Izu could finagle a way to add you to the Zearist ranks, and considering how many very important and powerful demons we just vanquished, there's probably a vacancy or two I could convince Stolas to let you occupy," Giff offered.
She shook her head. "No, I'm fine with my own swelling throng of worshipers, but thanks anyway."
"Still can't believe she was able to convert most of Weekend to her cult…" Masumi muttered.
"Well, Daddy, that's what you get for refusing to discriminate based on religion," George said.
"You say that like it's a bad thing!"
"Hey, you're the one who was just complaining about them worshiping a demon goddess!"
"I founded this organization to fight one demon God, not embrace another!"
"Yeah, and look what a good job you did!" George retorted, gesturing at Giff.
Masumi scowled.
Ryu raised his hand. "This is all very well and good, but can we maybe go home now? This has been a really long day and I just want to go home and pass out for like 12 hours. And also get my phone back from my demon."
"Yeah, no, I don't think you're ever getting it back," Hikaru told him bluntly, the Giff Junior grunting in agreement.
There were several murmurs of agreement at this. The wanting to go home part, not how Ryu was never going to get his phone back, though several people agreed with that as well.
"Yes, we probably should get everyone home, it's a school night," Izu agreed.
Nana gasped. "Wait… The school!"
She turned to look at the poor, much abused school building, the remaining students and staff wandering about in a daze as soldiers gently tended to them, giving them warm blankets and cocoa and treating the injured, of which there was a fair number, since the school being launched through the air and crashing into a giant demon had been far from a smooth flight. "Tomorrow is a school day, and the school itself is…!"
"Don't worry," Kyuubi assured her, clasping her on the shoulder. "You weren't going to be working there anymore anyway."
"I wasn't?!" Nana cried as the children gasped.
"No, of course not! Now that I own your contract – and therefore you – you will now be teaching at a new school I have just opened as of five minutes ago. One where you will have even greater freedom in how and what you wish to teach, a much more tolerant and diverse staff and student body, the kind of equipment, material, and service even the most elite upper-class schools dream of, and best of all, no fears that you will be killed off if the viewers lose interest and the show gets canceled, since no matter what, I will protect you," Kyuubi assured her.
"Wait, she still has to be on a show to entertain a bunch of assholes from the future?" Misora protested.
"Yes, I'm afraid so, it's the only way she can continue to exist in this time without getting mulched," Kyuubi said apologetically.
"It's all right. I've accepted this was my fate long ago. Thank you for giving me another chance to pursue my dream, my lady," a relieved Nana said, bowing to the kitsune. "I assume I will be teaching your daughters as part of my new duties?"
"But of course, you are their favorite teacher after all!" Kyuubi chuckled as her daughters cheered.
"But… But what about us?" Mugu protested.
"Yeah, she's our favorite teacher too!" Mei added.
"Oh, don't worry, I have no intention of breaking your class up, especially since my daughters love you all so very much. You've already been enrolled!" Kyuubi promised.
"Wait, hang on, you can't just-" Goro protested.
"Tuition is free," Kyuubi said, cutting him off. "Also, here's some brochures."
She distributed pamphlets to all the parents present. A few minutes passed as they carefully perused them.
"Yeah, okay, I'm good with this," Misora said.
"This is logically the best choice for our children," Izu agreed.
"My college wasn't nearly this good…" Emu grumbled as Poppy squealed happily.
"And just think of all the influential people you'll get to meet, Rayco!" Parasoleil told her offspring. "And the connections…"
"Wonderful! I'm so glad you all approve! Especially because none of you have a choice in the matter," Kyuubi said cheerfully.
Mugensai raised a paw. "I don't suppose there would be room for a beloved class pet at this new school of yours?"
Kyuubi nodded. "Absolutely! We've already got a great one lined up. It's a surprise!"
The hamster's face fell. "Oh… I guess it's back to the want ads…"
"If there are no other important revelations or matters to discuss," Giff said as he attached a chain leash to the sobbing Astaroth's neck. "I do believe it's time we all depart. After all, there are no other loose ends or forgotten adversaries to deal with… Right?"
"WRONG!"
Everyone groaned and looked over at Chic and Georgina, who had snuck over to a nearby ridge while nobody was watching them. "You're right, Giff, this is over… For you! You see, even this eventuality I anticipated-"
"Wait, you really anticipated this? This exactly? Everything that happened today?" An incredulous Hiromi demanded.
"Well, no," Chic conceded. "But I did know that there was a chance I would fail… Which is why I rigged explosives all over Area 666! One push of a button, and we all go up in flames!"
"Quick, somebody stop him-" an alarmed Yaiba started, only to be interrupted when an explosion erupted in the distance.
"A button… That I pushed 15 seconds ago!" Chic cackled as more and more explosions began blooming all over the place. "Now, if you'll excuse us, my beloved Georgina and I will be making our getaway-"
He was interrupted when an explosion went off right next to them, flinging them into the air, where they landed right in front of the group.
"Oh right, I forgot I placed a bomb there," he said in a daze.
"Ook," Georgina grunted.
"We need to get out of here!" Igarashi cried as more and more explosions went off, some of them getting awfully close.
"I'm on it!" Ariel declared. "Goulu Luuma Lujuna!"
There was a flash of light, and all of them, including the school, vanished right before the spot where they'd been standing was engulfed in a spectacular blast.
Area 666 was on fire.
The thick walls surrounding the forbidden zone did their job and contained the blast, channeling the explosions into a pillar of fire and smoke which towered far into the heavens, blacking out the sun and engulfing the sky in darkness.
From some distance away, most of the massive group that had been teleported away just in time was doing their best to put their backs to the flames as tired families finally had a chance to let the events of the last few hours catch up to them and properly reunite with their children and loved ones once it was truly clear that, finally, everything was really over this time.
Others, however, stared with varying degrees of solemnity and exhaustion as the conflagration continued to burn without end.
"And so it ends," Akaishi murmured. "The last remnant of NOAH, of our sins, is burned away in cleansing flame. It is over, Masumi."
"Yes…" Masumi murmured as his armor vanished. "It is."
Without warning, he collapsed.
"DADDY!" George shrieked as he raced over, his own suit vanishing, pretty much everyone else losing their transformations as well now that the danger had well and truly passed. "Daddy, what's wrong?!"
"It would seem… That my time has finally come to an end," Masumi coughed. "The strain of becoming a Kamen Rider was… Too much for my body. Now, at last, I have reached my end. At least… I can die happy, knowing that the sins of my past have finally been made right… And that my dear son… Loves me again…"
"Daddy, no!" George sobbed.
Trembling, Masumi reached up to touch his cheek. "Georgie, my son… It's all up to you now. Weekend… Is yours. You are no longer… In my shadow. Go forth… And create your own legacy… My…!"
His hand fell and he went limp in his son's arms.
"Daddy? Daddy! DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" George howled to the heavens.
"Gyah, I'm up, I'm up!" Masumi shouted, jerking awake.
George gasped. "Daddy?! You're alive!"
"Well of course he's alive, if he were dead, I wouldn't still be here!" An annoyed Chic, now in handcuffs next to Georgina and Hikaru, snapped. "I think. We never really figured that bit out."
"Ook."
"That's… Right. I don't understand. Why aren't I dead?" Masumi wondered in confusion.
Astarte sighed. "That's because you haven't been dying for weeks, Karizaki. I've been secretly healing you because I knew you were too proud to accept help from a demon like me, even though it would spare your son pain."
"You can do that?!" George shouted in disbelief.
"I can. Have either of you looked under his mask recently?" Astarte asked.
Astonished, George took off his father's mask, revealing that, instead of a horrendous mass of burns and scar tissue, his father resembled a rather handsome and distinguished older version of himself. "Holy crap, daddy, you look…"
"Like a daddy," Ampaz whistled lustfully. A wide-eyed Tamaki nodded in agreement.
Incredulous, Masumi patted his face. "My face, I… I no longer look like a monster. This is… I… I never asked for…!"
"I don't care that you never asked for it. Your son had to lose you once already, I saw no reason to put him through it a second time," Astarte said unapologetically. "You're welcome."
"But… If I'm not dying, then why did I feel such exhaustion a minute ago?" The confused Masumi asked.
"You haven't exercised in years and that was your first time turning into a Kamen Rider," Astarte said bluntly. "Honestly, if I hadn't secretly been healing you all this time, you'd probably have dropped dead of a heart attack hours ago."
"Oh."
"Wait, if you've been secretly healing him all this time, why haven't you been doing the same to me?" Hiromi protested.
"I have been."
"Oh. Thank you."
George looked up to Astarte, crying in relief. "Okay, you know what? I'm joining your cult now. You saved the two most important people in my life, it's the least I can do."
"Wait, are you talking about me, or-" an astonished Hiromi stammered.
"Hang on, you can't join her cult, you're my best friend!" Giff protested.
"Giff, we can share him," Astarte pointed out.
"No we can't!"
"I'm engaged to your granddaughter!"
"THAT'S DIFFERENT!"
"Why can't I be his best friend?" Akaishi complained.
Azuma sighed.
Kyuubi approached Aruto. "President Hiden."
"Huh? Can I do something for you?" The president and failed comedian asked.
"I believe this belongs to you," she said, handing him what appeared to be a blank Progrisekey.
He frowned in confusion. "What's this?"
"A message I was entrusted to give to you by your grandfather," she replied.
Aruto gasped. "You knew the former president?" Izu asked.
"There are very few people I don't know," she said. "I was asked to wait to give it to you until you found out about the DGP. That time is now. The information you find on it may prove to be most helpful."
"… Zitt said that great-grandfather was only able to start Hiden Intelligence because of the DGP," Hazu said as Aruto looked at the Progrisekey in uncertainty.
"This is true. However, there's more to the story than what Zitt implied. There usually is," Kyuubi said with an enigmatic smile before walking away, her hips and tails swaying seductively and drawing everyone's eye.
"… Well, that was ominous," Slavi said cheerfully, staring for a rather long time at the kitsune's rear as she departed.
"You are about to receive a call from Azu," Izu reported. "She is very upset."
Slavi paled. "Uh-oh." She quickly grabbed her Rise Phone and answered it before the first ring. "Hey, love butter! No, no, stop crying, I'm fine, Hislava's fine, everyone's fine! We all made it out okay! I didn't get hurt… Much. Shh, shh, it's okay, I'm still here, I promised I was never going to leave you, remember?"
She grimaced as more sobbing and wailing could be heard over the speaker and glanced anxiously at Aruto and Izu. "I think she's gonna need comforting from all three of us later."
Aruto nodded. "Of course! After all, together we're the most comfortable bunch of friends around! And that's how you know it's an Aruto!"
"… Father, Miss Azu is in a seriously fragile emotional state, now is not the time for jokes," a disgusted Hazu told her father.
"Pico!"
"Right, sorry, regretted it the minute it came out of my mouth," Aruto apologized.
"Your Majesty!" Bishop shouted, waiting ecstatically at Castle Doran as it landed nearby, Wataru Kurenai standing on its head. "Thank you so much for helping out earlier!"
"Father, he barely even did anything-" Neycombe muttered.
"Hush! Don't speak ill of the King in his presence!" He hissed. "And besides, he sent other Fangire to help!"
"Honestly, I'm sorry I couldn't do more," Wataru admitted, stroking Kivat-Bat III on the head. "Still, I'm glad you're all okay. Although I must warn you, an even more dire threat is on its way."
Bishop gasped, Neycombe groaned, and Veila whimpered. "What? Another threat?! What is it?!"
An incredibly battered-looking Jiro, Ramon, and Riki poked their heads out from inside the castle. "Sire, we've held her back for as long as we could, but it's no use! She's almost here!"
Bishop paled. "'She?' You can't mean-"
"WHERE IS HE?! WHERE IS MY NO-GOOD EXCUSE FOR A HUSBAND?! HE HAS A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO AS TO WHAT THE HELL NEARLY HAPPENED TO OUR DAUGHTER! I TOLD HIM SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF WE LET HER GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL, BUT DID HE LISTEN? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Run," Wataru mouthed to the horrified Fangire.
Bishop screamed in terror and shattered, stained-glass mosquitoes flying all over the place.
"Father, there's no point in running! It'll only make mother angrier!" Neycombe shouted after him. She sighed and shook her head. "Why does this always happen? Oh well, at least I still have you, Veila."
The Worm smiled.
"SENSEI!"
"Ah, my students!" Mugensai welcomed his disciples as the Hurricanegers, Gouraigers, and Shurikenger approached. "Thank you for your timely assistance earlier! We would surely have been crushed by that dreadful moon were it not for you!"
"We're sorry we took so long to get there," Yousuke apologized.
"And that we couldn't break through either barrier, both the one over the school and the one that appeared just a little while ago!" Nanami lamented.
"It's fine. It was a barrier created by highly advanced technology from the distant future, you never had a chance," Mugensai assured them.
"We're just glad you're okay," Kouta said. "Oboro would never have forgiven us if you died!"
"Well, she will be pleased to see that I'm all right," Mugensai said, only to frown. "Though… Unfortunately, she won't be happy to learn that I lost my job. It is unlikely Moraboshi Elementary will be in any shape to house a school hamster for the foreseeable future, and it looks like the new school Kyuubi is opening will not require my services. We will need a new line of revenue to keep maintaining your gear and Mechanical Giants."
They all grimaced. "Brother…" Isshuu said hesitantly.
Ikkou sighed. "Yeah, I know, looks like it's back to picking up sugar daddies again…"
"Jinx! Nom-Nom!"
"Hi sweeties!" Jinx said happily as Yoshi the Goram lowered her wives, Tamariko the Peacock Spider Fangire and Karashi the Basilisk Legendorga to the ground.
"Nom-Nom!"
"There you are! For a minute we were worried you got exploded with the rest of that place!" Tamariko chided her wife as she picked up and hugged her daughter. "And while of course we knew you would be fine, Nom-Nom might not be as lucky!"
"I don't want either of you to be blown up. I can't hug you if you're blown up," Karashi said slowly, blinking her cybernetic eyes as Jinx buried her face in her sizable bosom. "There would be too many pieces. Maybe if I hugged all of them together it would fix you?"
"Maybe! Let's try it!" Jinx suggested eagerly before burying her face in her other wife's cleavage.
"Jinx, no," Tamariko groaned.
"But don't you want to know, Tammy? For SCIENCE?" Jinx asked as she started motorboating her chest.
"… Dammit, I hate it when you pull that card…" Tamariko murmured, looking very much tempted.
"Mrs. Ozu, I believe I have something for you," Kojiro said, dumping the badly beaten and battered form of Itami at Ariel's feet.
The gorgeous redhaired angelic fox woman wearing a very revealing magician's outfit regarded the janitor/alchemist with mild interest. "And what do we have here?" She asked, kicking him slightly and causing him to groan.
"Mom, that's Itami," Mugu explained. "He's a school janitor but was also secretly running a literally underground alchemy school. He forced Masaki to attend and threatened to kill his mom and all of us if he didn't erase our memories after we found out that he had alchemy. And it's apparently not the first time he's done it to us, too!"
"Did he now," Ariel said, now looking very interested, kicking Itami much harder now.
"Then… That means he's a member of that Alchemy Association you've been trying to hunt down?" Nushi realized. "That renegade alchemist cult that's been running around unchecked for at least a century, creating Homonculi only to enslave them and recklessly erasing people's memories to cover their tracks?"
Masaki nodded gloomily. "Yeah, that sounds about right. I tried telling people about him or asking for help lots of times, but he always caught me and erased everyone's memories." He fidgeted. "I'm, I'm not in trouble am I? I don't even want to be an alchemist…"
"He'd better not be, because he did nothing wrong!" Asagi insisted.
"And no, son, you don't have to be an alchemist if you don't want to," Kojiro assured his son. "I've honestly always hoped you would follow in my footsteps and become an oni…"
Masaki smiled hesitantly. "I… I'd like that too, dad."
Ariel smiled. It was not a nice smile. "Don't worry, you're a victim in all this. You have nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. Mr. Oogami, did you manage to stop this living pile of excrement from erasing his own memory? All the Association alchemists we've managed to find so far have had a nasty habit of doing that when they realize they can't escape."
"I broke his ring, as well as most of his hand," Kojiro revealed.
"Good. Good," Ariel crooned, stomping on Itami's broken hand and causing him to gasp in pain. "Congratulations, Mr. 'Alchemist,' you've managed to piss off a member of the most powerful magical family in the world by threatening what she cares about most. Take heart in knowing that after I'm through with you, you will give us everything we need to know to take down your entire corrupt, inefficient, elitist secret society."
"May I help?" Nushi asked, sounding curiously detached. "There are quite a few experiments I've been wanting to run. I just needed the right test subject."
"Of course!" Ariel said with a terrifying grin. "The more the merrier! Kids, you want in on this?"
"Can I eat a little bit of him?" Mugu asked.
"Normally that would be a bit of a red flag, but sure!"
"Sweet."
"Moms, we can torture him as a family later, look!" Philia called excitedly, buzzing in the air with joy. "Big sis is here!"
The giant incredibly feminine and attractive arachnid robot lowered a pincer to the ground, a pair of humanoid arthropods standing on it. One was a huge, burly, incredibly muscular, purple scorpion man who looked like he could defeat an entire army with one pincer tied behind his back, and considering all his scars, probably had on more than one occasion. The other…
"SIS!" Philia shouted, flying into the waiting arms of the ridiculously attractive black spider woman wearing a red web cloak and not much else.
"Philia! I finally found you!" The spider crooned as she hugged the bee to her (quite sizable) bosom, her voice sultry, soft, and the sort of tone that would make people throw money at her to do ASMR.
Nushi and Ariel exchanged horrified looks. "Oh no," Nushi whimpered. "She's hot."
"Philia's stories and pictures did not do her justice," Ariel moaned.
"Mrs. Nushi Cheng and Ariel Ozu?" The beautiful spider asked as she strode over, the immense scorpion man looming over her as an elated Philia continued clinging to her chest.
"Who?" Nushi asked, dazed.
"That's you," Mugu reminded her.
"It is?" Ariel asked, trying not to pass out or suffer a humiliating nosebleed.
"I am Princess Aranea of the Arachide Ascendancy, heir to the throne of the soon to be restored Arachide Imperium, adopted daughter of Queen Apista XCIX of the Hive, and beloved big sister of this little honey glutton you've had the indignity of having to look after all these months," Aranea introduced herself, earning a huff from Philia, who wasn't really offended. "Thank you very much for watching out for my little sister, we were all so worried about her, stranded on this side of the universe on a planet full of insane mammals. Er, no offense."
"No, that's us pretty well summed up," Ariel admitted.
"I almost blew up the Moon once," Nushi bragged.
"…Right," Aranea said, deciding to forget she'd heard that, although the scorpion looked interested. "Anyway, my mother will be here shortly, and will shower you with riches and reward you greatly for caring so much for her heir." She reached out and brushed their cheeks with two limbs, sending shivers down their spines. "And I, too, wish to reward you."
The couple trembled. "Just to be clear-"
"Yes, my lady is propositioning you both, as you are definitely her type," the scorpion confirmed. "You are also the Queen's type, incidentally, and I'm fairly certain she wishes to reward you similarly."
Both women made excited gay noises.
"Does this mean I have three moms now, or four?" Mugu wondered.
"Four," Philia confirmed. "Mom definitely wants them in her harem. Also, she recognizes you as my sister, so you're a princess too."
"Neat."
As the other families caught up with their children and Goro quietly talked to the leaders of the other pseudo-military units who'd showed up to help against the demonic incursion about a more permanent alliance, Kaseihime…wasn't avoiding her family so much as redirecting their attentions elsewhere for a moment. Her mother had noticed, but there wasn't a lot she could do about it and respected her enough to leave her alone when she wanted some privacy.
Evolto-chan, naturally, didn't give a shit about that. "You see it too, huh? Guess I shouldn't be surprised-Evo," she commented as she came up beside the Martian, both of them staring at Area 666…
Or rather, something above it.
"A massive portal to both hell and Jupiter being opened and closed in the same place in quick succession has weakened space and time and created a dimensional rift," Kaseihime commented. "It is not a very large one."
"It'll get bigger-Evo."
"And then it will close."
"Yes, it will. But will it do so before something comes through-Evo?" Evolto-Chan asked.
"No, it won't," Kaseihime said.
Evolto-Chan shrugged, not particularly worried. "Eh, I'm sure somebody will take care of it. Unless there's something you know that I don't-Evo?"
"Always."
Evolto-Chan laughed. "Such disrespect! You didn't get it from me. Well, I could certainly close that thing if I felt like it, but I don't really give a crap enough to, and I know you could, but you're probably not going to, aren't you-Evo?"
She said nothing.
"And if that turns out to be the wrong call, you can always just turn back the clock and do things differently, and nobody would know the difference-Evo."
"I would."
"True-Evo." She paused. "Hey… You haven't already done that, have you-Evo?"
"Grandmother." Kaseihime turned to face Evolto-Chan. "Very soon, you're going to have to make an important decision. A choice between what you have, and what you desire most."
"And I don't suppose you're going to tell me what the right choice is-Evo?" Evolto-Chan asked.
Kaseihime smiled but said nothing.
Evolto-Chan huffed. "Typical Martian. I'm going to go make fun of your uncle, he's always good for a laugh-Evo."
She hopped away, making sure her breasts and hips jiggled as much as they could, leaving the Martian hybrid to her own, inscrutable thoughts once more.
"Everyone," Ofanina announced, her voice ringing out loud and clear like a clarion call and gathering everyone's attention. "It is time for my family and I to return to the heavens. Before we go, however, we wish to thank you all very much. You have acquitted yourselves quite well in the struggle against the forces of evil, and we will see to it that all of you will make it to the afterlife you deserve when your time on this earth reaches its end. Blessings be upon you all – quite literally, we are bestowing all of you with considerable blessings, you've earned them – and farewell-"
"Wait, mom!" Cherubi interrupted. "I haven't said goodbye to Lovekov yet! I know I'm going to see her tomorrow at the new school, but…"
"Hey, where is Lovekov anyway?" A worried Mei asked.
"She's still part of that amalgam she and the rest of her family turned into," an annoyed Hani complained.
"Oh, so she is," Giff realized, noticing that Igarashi was the only Rider who hadn't changed back. "Progeny, why are you still in that form? It is no longer needed."
"Yeah, give me my Sakura-Chan back!" Hana ordered.
"Unless… You're afraid of splitting up, because your unique existence would come to an end, so it would be like dying?" And alarmed Tamaki wondered.
"Huh? Oh, no, nothing like that, we, uh, we're just not sure how to… Hang on… We think if we…" Igarashi muttered, fumbling with their Driver…
And in a flash of light, were separated into their constituent parts. An overjoyed Hana immediately tackled the dazed Sakura to the ground and started making out with her, while Lovekov was swiftly buried beneath the bodies of her many, many future lovers, the snake demon giggling and squealing happily and shouting "LOVE! LOVE LOVE!"
And Ikki…
Got punched in the face by an outraged Daiji. "What-"
"What the hell, Ikki?!" His brother snarled. "When were you going to tell us that you've been losing your memories every time you and Vice transform?!"
Everyone gasped and stared at the pale faced Ikki in alarm.
Giff snapped his fingers. "Oh, right! I completely forgot about that. Wait, you still haven't told anyone about it?" He frowned in puzzlement. "Then how do you know about it now, grandson?"
"We were just sharing bodies and minds for an extended period! Of course, we found out about it!" Daiji yelled angrily. "You and everyone else kept giving me hell for my shitty choices, but you were pulling something as awful as this behind our backs the whole time?!"
"Yeah, not cool, bro," Kagerou agreed.
"Vice, why didn't you tell us?!" Vail demanded.
"I…Ikki begged me not to," Vice lamented, wringing his hands.
"You should still have told us," Matrice said sternly. "We're very disappointed in you."
"And I'm disappointed in you, Giff!" Yukimi said sternly. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I… Thought that he would have mentioned it by now?" Giff said awkwardly. "Vice told me not to say anything back at Hiden Land. And to be honest, it sort of slipped my mind."
Azuma facepalmed.
"Son, why didn't you tell us?" Genta pleaded. "Even if there wasn't any way we could help, we still would have wanted to know!"
"I…" Ikki opened and closed his mouth a few times, a confused look on his face. "I'm sorry, but…who are you?"
Everyone stared in horror.
And then a very exhausted Zelmoda and Grotch staggered over. "Hey guys! Sorry we're late! Did we miss the field trip?" Zelmoda asked.
"And did our parents show up?" Grotch asked hopefully.
Everyone stared at them. "What?"
A woman in blue armor with multiple M's on it entered the office of the Arch Orphenoch, Kuroto Dan and Smart Queen standing next to the president's desk while Gai Amatsu cleaned the windows and a red light on an Ai-chan indicated the Ark was listening. Not that the visual reminder was necessary, since the Ark was everywhere in the building and always listening, but it helped the employees feel a little more secure about themselves.
"Do you have it?" The president asked.
The Kamen Rider, Muez, held up a container holding a crackling malevolent looking crimson shard. "Mission accomplished. I obtained a piece of the Blood Moon."
"And nobody spotted you?" The president asked.
"Anyone who did, I killed."
"Very good."
"Excellent!" Kuroto cackled as Muez handed the sample to Smart Queen, who nodded and took it out of the room. "Oh, I can't wait to see what I can do with something that evil!"
"What you will do with it," the Ark stated. "Is finish programming our army of Kaixa robots. Fueled by the power of hell, coupled with the limitless hatred and bigotry of Masato Kusaka, not only shall they be a force to be reckoned with, but bring me that much closer to my next stage of evolution."
"Hey, I know I'm just a janitor now, but… Why exactly is a company run by Orphenochs building an army of robots designed after the man who hates Orphenochs more than anyone else?" Gai asked, pausing in his cleaning. "Also, is Kusaka alive or dead right now?"
"That's actually a fair question," the Arch Orphenoch admitted. "Ark?"
"He died, then was alive again, then dead, then alive, and now he is almost certainly dead," the Ark explained. "Personally, I blame Tokiwa."
"May he reign forever," everyone said.
"As to your other question… You're correct that normally it would be a terrible idea for us to create an army of anti-Orphenoch super soldiers, but thankfully, Kuroto has an easy enough fix," the Arch Orphenoch explained.
Kuroto nodded. "Precisely! I shall simply program the robots to think all Orphenochs are humans, and all humans Orphenochs, so they will annihilate humanity thinking they are the true target of their undying hatred."
"Okay, but what about Orphenochs who side with humanity, like Takumi Inui?" Gai pressed.
"I will be overseeing the operations of all the Kaixa HumaGear clones and can switch their perception back to his normal psychology should they encounter any such traitorous Orphenochs," the Ark explained.
"And I shall have them, and you, monitored closely to make sure you or Dan don't simply set them to kill all Orphenochs and wipe us all out," the president added.
"Mr. President! Are you saying you don't trust us?" Kuroto protested.
"No," the Orphenoch said bluntly. "Nor you, Ark."
"A wise decision."
"Also, Amatsu, get out of here, as you said, you're a janitor, you don't have clearance for this information," the president ordered the lowly janitor.
"Fine," Gai huffed, picking up his cleaning supplies and leaving the office. "I'll just hear about it from Kuroto later anyway. He talks in his sleep!"
"I do not!" Kuroto protested.
Nobody believed him.
The Ark chuckled malevolently. "One step closer…"
Much, much later…
The Red Spot of Jupiter was getting smaller.
It had been shrinking for a very long time. Millions of years, really. It was so gradual that local astronomers didn't realize it was happening until they compared pictures from eons ago with more recent images. They were, understandably, perplexed and intrigued, so sent space probes to investigate.
After the sixth time an entire team of scientists and astronauts deleted all the collected footage and then violently killed each other, the solar system collectively decided that Jupiter was off-limits.
Not that that stopped thrill seekers, explorers, mad men, and the curious from going to check it out anyway. They were never heard from again, which only added to the mystery of the Red Spot.
To the denizens of the neighboring planet of Mars, there was no mystery. This was something they'd been anticipating for a very, very long time.
And so, on the day when the Spot had completed its multi-millennium long reduction in size, going from larger than the Earth to about the size of a person, when what looked an awful lot like a hand burst from the surface, thrashing about desperately, there was someone there to grab it.
"I've got you, auntie. Hold on."
Kaseihime pulled, tugging the hand out of the Spot, taking with it an arm, a head, another arm, a torso, legs, and finally a whole person, the Spot further reducing in size until the last foot was pulled out of the surface of Jupiter, taking with it the last traces of the swirling red storm of souls that had been raging since before humanity climbed down from trees and started poking each other with pointy sticks.
The person was androgynous and featureless, until a hole was split open on the front of its head, issuing forth the intermingled screams of billions…
And then there was a cough, and the last echoes of Barbatos and his army and the inhabitants of the planet that had been transformed into an asteroid belt were extinguished forever. The waxen features of the figure melted away, its hands and feet developing fingers and toes, its body becoming distinctly feminine with sizable breasts and curves, long hair falling down its back, and eyes, nose, and ears growing on the head while teeth filled the mouth.
The lost Princess of Mars blinked, her eyes adjusting to sight after being denied it for several epochs and taking in the smiling face of Kaseihime. It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen, rivaled only by the sight of her mother, Queen Vernage, and all her siblings and other relatives gathered around her.
There were so many more than she remembered. She'd been gone for such a very long time.
"Welcome home, daughter," Vernage said warmly, she, Kaseihime, and Misora hugging her wayward child, immediately joined by the rest of their family, their sheer joy at this long-awaited reunion echoing across the galaxy, leading to parties, celebrations, and quite a few orgies.
Kaseihime's newest boyfriend, the Phoenix Phantom, sniffed and wiped away a tear. "It's so beautiful…" He frowned. "Why didn't I get anything like this when I finally got out of the Sun?"
"Because practically everyone who knew about you has either been dead for millions of years or completely forgotten about you" Kaseihime pointed out, floating next to him while also being included in the family hug while simultaneously having sex with her numerous other paramours across the cosmos. Being in more than one place at once was a mere trifle for a Martian princess such as herself.
"Could have at least thrown up a banner…"
"Oh, hush. Just enjoy the moment."
"Okay, okay."
Silence fell once again.
And then:
"I mean, seriously, I'd have settled for a balloon arch-"
Kaseihime flicked him into the sun. She'd pull him back out later.