CHAPTER 13: YULE
Christmas morning offered a cinematic breakfast buffet. James burped and grabbed a Christmas cracker.
"Pull my cracker!"
Sirius pulled it. There was an explosive bang that left their hair standing up and faces black from soot, like in the cartoons. James coughed and examined the content that had spilled out.
"Here's my party hat!" Put on party hat. "A bouncy ball, awesome!" He gave it a good bounce. "Very nice!"
"Don't forget to read your joke!" said Sirius and gave him the joke from the cracker. James rolled it out.
"A French sandwich walked into a pub. The pub said: We don't serve food here."
They laughed themselves silly and then Sirius grabbed his Christmas cracker.
"Pull my cracker!"
BANG!
He received a party hat and a bouncy ball.
"Read the joke!" said James.
Sirius unrolled the joke.
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs."
They put on their party hats. They had been up since six in the morning shovelling snow. The Great Hall had filled up a little bit since. Sourpuss Grape sat at one far end of the banquet table reading Crime & Punishment.
"Wow he is really into Jane Austen," James thought, who would never have guessed it.
It was closer to nine when Remus turned up. He sat down at the other far end and began to read as well. By then James and Sirius had been there for two hours. They wiped the soot from their faces with the table cloth, grabbed their stuff and moved.
Remus was pouring hot water over a PG tip, still reading. James grabbed a Christmas cracker and threw it in his eye.
"Catch!"
Not intentionally, of course.
Remus rubbed his eye and looked up.
James grabbed his seventh pork pie and began to eat it.
"I'm busy. You pull it."
Sirius picked up the Christmas cracker and waited for Remus to pull it. BANG! It contained a party hat and a bouncy ball, as well as a joke.
"What's the joke?" James asked. "I want to hear the joke!"
Remus read the joke:
"The European Union."
"What is that?"
There was a rip in the cosmic fabric and Powers hopped out.
"How do you like my jokes then? Professor McGonagall wanted me to write the jokes!"
He ran off with his assistant, before the chaps could give him feedback on his jokes.
"So what's your reason for staying during the holidays?" Sirius asked.
"I missed the bus," Remus replied.
"So did we!" said James. "I just don't see why they couldn't arrange an extra bus. Hardly my fault my sweet ride decided to commit mutiny. It's almost like we're being punished. Although it's not such a punishment for you guys, is it? Because you get to spend Christmas with me!"
And the teachers were hopefully going to spend it getting shitfaced. And James and Sirius were going to spend it waiting on ghosts, the thought of which made them feel like week old balloons. The only thing that cheered them up was the idea of getting Sourpuss Grape and Snailtrail under a mistletoe together. But first they had to somehow lure Slughorn out of the staff wing, and Sourpuss Grape out of his own arse.
James whipped out his Coubertin card.
"Have I showed you my Coubertin?"
James showed Remus his Coubertin.
"It is my most valuable card. One day this is going to be worth SO much. You get Darren O'Hare with pretty much every other box of honey pops. He should be more rare. You know I actually once saw Darren O'Hare! I asked if he would sign my Coubertin. He told me to f off. He is very busy."
"Who is Darren O'Hare?" Remus asked.
James couldn't believe what he was hearing. How did anybody not know who Darren O'Hare was? Did he come from Rock City?
(He did not mean that in a cool way.)
"Who cares!" said Sirius. "I once saw Roger Waters on the tube!"
He sat there waiting for somebody to be impressed. James turned away nonchalantly and played with his bouncy ball.
"He must play for some rubbish team because I've never heard of him."
"He signed my hamburger! He's in Pink Floyd."
"Ugh, you don't like Pink Floyd for real!"
"Yes I do!"
"No because Pink Floyd is one of those bands you have to be on drugs to appreciate, just like Led Zeppelin! There! I said it!"
"Not true! Not true at all! That may be true for Led Zeppelin but it is not true for Pink Floyd!"
Sirius covered his mouth, appalled to what he had just admitted.
"AHA!" said James. "You admit that Led Zeppelin is a snooze!"
"Not they're not, you're simply too immature for them."
Then Sirius started boring everybody about why Pink Floyd was the most awesomest thing ever. Remus was searching his book, appearing to be looking for something. A little card had fallen to the floor, perhaps it was his. James picked it up.
A handful of dots were travelling in concentric circles orbiting a centre dot, while some dots just sat in the sides and corners. Each was marked with a name. James and Sirius were orbiting the centre dot very closely. Sourpuss Grape was slightly further away. McGonagall was present as well.
"Wait is this homework?" James asked.
Sirius stopped blabbing and wanted to look at the card.
"What's this? If I was naming anything after Snape in my own planetary system it would be an asteroid."
"I think for me it would have to be a gas giant," said James.
"You'd name a gas giant after yourself?"
"No you."
"It's not homework," said Remus. "Just... experimenting."
Sirius returned the card and Remus stuck it back in his book and packed the book in his bag. James finished his seventh pork pie.
"Do you want to go there today?" he asked Sirius. "Hey! Shall we initiate him?"
"Not until he's proved himself worthy," said Sirius.
"How will he do that?"
Remus was sneak-looking in his bag. James and Sirius sneak-looked in his bag also. Professor McGonagall was blinking fast on the card and clearly moving towards them.
James and Sirius went under the table like dust going into a vacuum cleaner. Perhaps if they could avoid her all day, they wouldn't have to be waiters at the ghost Yule party.
"Happy Christmas," said McGonagall. "Weren't... Mr Potter and Mr Black here just now?"
"They were," said Remus.
"Where did they go?"
"They had to look for Sirius's cat. It ran away again."
McGonagall accepted that with an impatient sigh and walked off, leaving the Great Hall.
The dungeon garden was a garden dedicated to the founders. A long time ago a mystic had gifted each of them with their own tree. The trees were the iron oak, which was as strong and powerful as iron, the sleeping willow, the sphinx's walnut, which could supposedly give clarity, and the hidden birch.
And mistletraps were growing on all of them in spherical clusters of green worms.
Sirius ran to one he could reach and broke off a nice decorative piece with berries. He held it over him and James for a joke.
"Oh this is awkward!" Coy hand on lips.
Then it got awkward for real when the mistletrap shot long runners that bound them together so tightly their cheeks squished together.
"Oh great! Who could have seen this coming!" said James. "Oh wait, I guess you did. Honestly I had no idea you felt this way about me. I just want to be friends, sorry."
"Do you want to be friends like they are friends in Italy?"
"How do we get out of this?"
"Well you're supposed to kiss," said Remus.
"I know that, thicko, I want to know if there's a different way!"
Remus frowned and walked off. James wished he hadn't called him thicko.
"Don't call him thicko, that's totally rude," said Sirius.
"Shut up thicko!"
"You shut up, thicko!"
James asked himself whether he'd prefer to starve over kissing Sirius. He decided that it could be worse. If he had to kiss any boy, Sirius was the prettiest boy around. He was ready to pucker up when Remus came back and flicked yellow dust on the mistle trap above them. The runners loosened their grip and came off and the mistletrap fell.
A conversation was taking place outside the Great Hall between professor Slughorn and Snape, the latter being in his usual mood of sourpuss.
"I would like to look at the rules, sir!"
Snailtrail's party hat lay flat on his afro.
"I think you better talk to professor McGonagall about that. She is the Keeper of the Rule Book."
"But I talked to professor McGonagall and she said I couldn't look at the rules!"
"Did she?" Snailtrail scratched his moustache. "Then I suppose you can't look at the rules, then."
Professor Slughorn was the least "respected" member of staff, even by his own house. Snape was doing so incredibly well. He hadn't muttered "hairy lip slug" the whole time.
"I demand to see the rule that denies me the right to look at the rules," he said "calmly".
Slughorn scratched his hairy lip slug again, and wiggled it.
"I better find out if there is such a rule."
Snape wanted to see rules! On Christmas day!
"What a twerp," said Sirius. "Who wants to spend Christmas day looking at rules!"
He and the guys were back in the Great Hall, hanging out near the entrance, listening.
"Somebody who has nothing better to do?" said James. "It is so sad."
Slughorn clearly wanted to get away, and who could blame him? He kept looking in the direction he wanted to be heading right now. A direction away from Snape, which was anybody's favourite direction.
"I really have to get back to the, um, meeting." Hiccup.
"Sir, can I just ask one last thing?" Snape, who looked like the personification of a greasy lemon, asked.
"Certainly ask away!"
"I only want to know who gets to go to Hogwarts."
"Why every wizard boy and girl of course!"
"Yes, but... nothing else, right?"
"Nothing else!"
"Nothing... dangerous!"
James raised the mistletrap and sent it bobbing through the air with Wingardium Mistletrap, until it reached a spot above Sourpuss Grape and Snailtrail.
"Dangerous?" Slughorn seemed to have become afflicted with scalp eczema.
"Yes, dangerous!" said Snape impatiently. "Dangerous things like MEOW!"
"Sorry?"
"Dangerous things like BAAAA!"
Snape put his hands over his mouth, shocked and horrified. It looked like somebody had beaten James and Sirius to the holiday prank. Such a shame there were no people around to enjoy it.
"You quite alright?" Slughorn asked.
Snape took the hands from his mouth, swallowed a few times as if trying to cure a frog in the throat and banged his chest.
"I'm talking about EEEE-HAW!"
Most fitting one so far. Snape threw out his arm in frustration and hit the mistletrap, which at that point released stolons that bound him to Slughorn very tightly.
Sirius raised his Polaroid Big Swinger, waiting for the magic moment.
"You've made sure there's film in the camera, right?" said James.
"'Course I have! I'm not some amateur!"
Remus ripped a packet of flash bulbs open and plopped one in the camera.
"Oh dear!" said Slughorn. "This really is a rather inappropriate situation."
Snape was red in the face. It was strange to see so much colour on him. This was probably the closest he had ever been to anyone.
"How do we get out of this?" he asked.
"I'm afraid the only way is to kiss."
Slughorn's cheeks were noticeably rosy as well. It was incredibly cringe-y to watch.
"I know that, but is there another way?"
Not at the moment. Camera ready.
Then McGonagall turned up, why did she ALWAYS have to turn up and ruin things?
"Hello what's going on here then? Oh dear, how did that mistletrap get here?"
She began to circle the mistletrap.
"Let me see if I can dae something."
She tapped her chin with her wand (pussy willow), then went: Papyrus! The mistletrap became an origami mistletrap, a mere paper replica of the real thing, void of any magic activity. It lost all grip and fell off. McGonagall picked it up for keeping.
"Shame to waste it."
"That wasn't here before!" said Snape. "Somebody put it there!"
Thanks, Warlock Gnomes.
"Who could have done such a thing?" McGonagall wondered.
"Perhaps a poltergeist?"
James rolled his eyes, and wondered if Snape had received a tin foil party hat in his Christmas cracker today.
"A poltergeist?" McGonagall laughed. "Nonsense! Poltergeists are not allowed here. They are simply too dangerous."
"SO ARE-" Dolphin clicking. "! SO ARE-" Cricket sounds.
"Don't raise your voice at me, Mr Snape. 10 points fae Slytherin."
It was like wanting the biggest train track for Christmas and getting a medium one.
"I guess that juicy footage isn't going to happen this time," said James.
Then they realised.
McGonagall wasn't in her chamber right now.
The staff wing was password protected and guarded by the first ever headmaster.
"I guess we better wait for somebody to come out," said James.
And so they waited.
CRACK! There was a rip in the cosmic fabric.
"We made it back just in time, Fanny!" he said. "And I was afraid to... come? Prematurely? Come prematurely!" He laughed.
"Oh Eton!" Fanny laughed and shook her big hair.
"Let's go! I've promised to show them all my Shaguar. The eggnog has made us all a little hot. A brisk walk in the cold will do us all good."
They hurried off. Sirius rolled up his sleeves and went: Accio car keys.
The keys to the Shaguar flew out of professor Powers's pocket, straight to Sirius. Further away, Fanny asked Powers if he had the car keys.
"'Course I have the car keys, baby! I have them right- Um. I seem to have forgotten them. Oh! I must have left them by the percolator! Be right back, baby!"
Powers hurried back to the staff wing.
"I do know the way to San Jose!" he told the portrait guard after first saying hello to the chaps real quick.
"Very good," replied Baldrash and swung open. The chaps hurried to get in while Powers only had his mind on the car keys by the percolator. Sirius dropped the keys quietly by the portrait guard and the chaps went inside a little room where all the stationary was kept.
They could hear Powers return, pause, then give a sigh of relief when at last he found the car keys. The portrait guard wished him a safe drive and closed.
Professor McGonagall's chamber, which was located at the very end of the staff wing, was guarded by a grey cat sleeping by a fire.
"I guess we should have seen this coming," said James when they reached it.
"It's ok!" said Sirius. "I happen to know that there is one password, that only the headmaster knows, that works on every portrait guard!"
"Is there really? What is it?"
"Watch and be impressed." Clear throat. "Dirty blood needs to be cleansed."
It sure was quiet here.
"What?" said James.
"That's the password. Dirty blood needs to be cleansed."
Yet... nothing happened. There appeared to be nobody else in the staff wing at the moment.
"It doesn't seem to be," said James, once more overcome with that feeling, that he had made a terrible misjudgement.
"I know it's the password! Or maybe it was... Dirty blood needs cleansing."
The portrait cat woke up briefly to shift position, then went back to sleep.
"I think somebody might have been pulling your leg. Of course there isn't a password that works on every portrait guard. But wouldn't it be wonderful if there was one. But if there was one, it certainly wouldn't be that!"
"Like it or not, that is supposed to be the password!"
"Yet it is not."
Sigh. James would so have liked to get into McGonagall's chamber, maybe find the detention calendar, perhaps even the key to an upcoming quiz.
"I hear her Scottish Folds are prize winning," Sirius sighed.
"Really? I didn't know she baked."
"McGonagall would never think to look for us in there."
"Mhm."
Then, a lightbulb.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Do you know where else she would never think to look for us?"
"She would never look for us in that tunnel where I came eye to eye with the Slim Shadow!"
"Oh my God why don't we just go there!"
"There really is a password that works on every portrait guard," said Remus.
"But none of us know it," said James.
"I... know it."
"Ok what is it?"
"It's... basket."
"Basket?"
"Yep. Go on, try it."
So James went ahead and tried it on the cat.
"Basket- Anyone else just hear that?"
"Hear what?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing I guess. Never mind. Thought I heard... Almost like whispering behind my back but never mind."
Meanwhile the cat had walked off-frame and the door had gone up.
McGonagall's chamber was a tartan museum that smelled of hyacinths and shortbread. There was tinsel on the curtain rod and a cat tree full of dangling baubles. Four cats with bells and elf hats were resting there. Sirius went to pet them all immediately. James began to feel an ill foreboding itch in the throat.
"I don't know if I can stand to be in here very long at all."
"Come on, it's perfect! McGonagall will be somewhere else for most of the day. When she gets back we will hide under her bed. She will be so pissed she will pass out straight away."
"Just because your mum is a raging drunk doesn't mean all witches are."
"Yes it does."
James saw a plate of shortbread.
"Hey! Shortbread!"
Sirius abandoned the cats, to eat shortbread.
"This plate doesn't appear to be self-refilling," he said after several shortbreads.
"I guess we better not eat too many shortbreads then. Just... one more!"
"She'll be too drunk to even remember she ever had shortbread."
"I hope you are right."
"Maybe try to not make too much of a mess," said Remus.
"We're not," said Sirius even though crumbs were getting everywhere.
"It is not in my interest to make a big mess in here," said James. "You've obviously never had to clean your room. Let me show you how it's done."
He whistled, his sweet ride came.
"Sweep!" he said.
His sweet ride swept the crumbs on the floor under the sheep's skin carpet. When it had finished the job James sent it away and had another shortbread.
"I have cleaned my room actually," said Sirius. "One time. I once had to sanitise the entire house after I had the wrong sort of guest over."
"Was it a muggle or something?"
"Not he had turned socialist."
"Anybody I know? Is he still a socialist?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen him since the dogs ate half of him."
Spending ten hours in McGonagall's chamber wasn't going to be so bad because the room had a TV and a lot to drink.
"I wonder if her office can be reached from here," said James. "We need to find the detention calendar."
A ceramic cat sat on a shelf wagging a paw. Remus held it down and lo, the walls parted and McGonagall's office was right on the other side.
"Did you know about that?" James asked.
"I didn't think it was going to work," Remus replied.
Seconds later, the chaps were at McGonagall's desk looking for that detention calendar.
"Where is it!" Sirius asked, tugging in drawers noisily.
"Are you trying to get out of detention?" Remus asked.
"Yes we are suggestions?"
"You could say to the memosphere that the dead give away was cancelled because of a sudden outbreak of the ghost plague."
Their eyes went to the memosphere on the desk, a glowing glass paper weight with the power of reminding.
"Yes it is foolproof!" said Sirius.
"Is it?" said James.
"McGonagall will be so shitfaced she will believe anything the memosphere tells her."
"You sound so very convinced I have no choice but to believe you."
As well as believe all the sparkling whiskey bottles on the minibar. Sirius picked up the memosphere. It was pretty weighty. He held it, thought to it, and then put it down again.
"Did you tell it there was an outbreak of ghost fleas?" James asked.
"I thought it, in McGonagall's voice, so she will hear it in her voice." Tap head.
"What does," tap head, "mean?"
"It means I am smart. I think about everything."
"Did you remember to tell it our detention was cancelled?"
"Duh that's a given! Oh alright." Pick up memosphere. "All Christmas day detentions have been cancelled. By me, professor McGonagall." Put down memosphere. "Ok let's go watch TV."
They returned to the chamber and sat down to watch TV. At that moment they heard that somebody was at the door. They felt a jolt of panic.
"Oh shoot!" said James.
"It's ok!" said Sirius. "She's only picking something up or leaving something!"
"Under the bed then!"
Under the bed they all went.
McGonagall came in.
"Hm hm hm!"
She went to the mini bar and uncorked a bottle of whisky. She then poured it in an empty bottle of whisky, mumbling that "barbarians couldn't tell the difference anyway."
"Is she going to poison someone?" James wondered.
"No she just poured crap whisky in a nicer bottle. My mum does it all the time."
McGonagall seemed slightly merry but not exactly shitfaced. The chaps felt terrified when she reached for the memosphere.
"Huh," she said after listening to it, and put it down again.
Hearts. Pounding.
"Oh well!"
When she hiccuped, James dared to believe again.
Then McGonagall stopped. Scanned the room. Her eyes fell on the plate of shortbreads. The shortbreads had gone from a hill to a plain. She raised it to her nose.
"Huh."
Hearts. Pounding.
Moments. Dragging.
"Oh well!"
She put it down and left the room.
James and Sirius jumped out of hiding.
"Yaaaayyy!"
"I forgot what I came for," said McGonagall, coming back in to grab the crap whisky.
James and Sirius did not get out of detention that time.