Chapter 42
"Are you nervous, Momma?"
Liv kisses the top of Noah's curly head, circling the counter where he's perched, eating the pancakes he and Rafael had made that morning. "A little maybe." Rafael hands her a mug of coffee, and she presses a quick kiss to his lips. "Thank you." Her doctor and the NYPD had given her the all clear to return to work with strict orders to stick to light duties. "What about you, babe? How are you feeling about going back to school today?"
Noah shrugs. "I'm excited to see my friends and my teacher."
"And you know you can call us, if you need us, ok?" Liv adds.
Noah nods around a mouthful of pancake.
Rafael rubs her back, sipping his own coffee. Her instinct is to lean into his touch but the way he had withdrew from her yesterday still stings fresh in her mind. "Any plans for today?" She directs at him.
"I'm meeting my mother for lunch, then an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom."
There's plenty not said, but she decides not to prod any further. If therapy has taught her anything, surmising other peoples thoughts will twist her inside out. She has to trust him enough that he'll come to her when he's ready to talk. Finishing her coffee, she places her empty mug in the sink. "I should get going."
"Have the best day, Momma!"
She smiles, kissing both his cheeks before enveloping him in her arms tightly. "Thank you, sweet boy. I hope you have the best day too."
Noah nods. "Love you."
"Love you too."
Rafael follows her towards the door as she gathers her jacket and bag. "Have the best day," he echos Noah.
Slipping on her coat, she places a hand on his chest. "I'm going to take it easy-"
"-I never said you weren't going to. I trust your judgement. Explicitly, Liv."
Softening, she hesitates a minute before leaning in to kiss him. He kisses her back, but keeps it rather chaste and he's pulling back before she can even consider anything more. There's something there, in his eyes, that he's struggling with and the only thing keeping her from prying it out of him is the fact that she knows he's seeing Dr. Lindstrom later today. "I love you, Rafa."
His jaw jumps. "I love you too."
. . . . . . . . . . . .
"Welcome back, Lue," Carisi greets with a wide grin.
She smiles at her squad. "It's good to be back….I know the past few weeks, month really, has been a whirlwind; I just want to say thank you, for everything you've done for Rafa and I, and Noah."
"It's what family does," Fin reassures. "How's he doing?"
"Better….he's heading back to school today, so we'll see how his day goes."
Amanda nods. "Not to bombard you already, but Detective Perry wants to set up a joint task force for our Pattern 23 rapist. He's waiting for your call."
Liv nods. "I'll be in my office then." As she crosses the squad room, she can feel Fin behind her, following her. As she steps into her office, she isn't all that surprised to see a vase with two sunflowers waiting for her. Smiling, she reads the tiny card attached to them.
You're our sun. Have the best day.
Love, Noah and Rafa.
She moves them towards the window so that they will get more sunlight, and Fin closes the door behind them. "Everything ok?"
"Just checkin in."
"You want to know anything specific?" She jokes, dropping her purse into the bottom drawer of her desk.
"You and Raf good?"
His nickname still brings a smile to her face. "We are….the flowers are from him and Noah." She's not going to dwell too much on Rafael's recent change, hoping that whatever is on his mind, Dr. Lindstrom can help him sort it out. Sinking into her chair, Fin sits opposite her. "But you already knew that. You want to know about Elliot."
With his elbows on the armrest, Fin rubs his hands together. "I just gotta know if I have to lay hands on him, is all."
She laughs at this, welcoming the levity. "I can handle him."
"I know you can," he reassures. "Doesn't mean you have to."
Liv holds his gaze. Fin is the only one that knows, that's been there and has seen not only Elliots darkest moments, but her own. "He's been calling, texting….trying to apologize and I've been ignoring him…." She leans on her desk, propping her head against her fist. "Against my better judgement, I answered when he called yesterday."
"What happened?"
"I hung up on him."
Finn chuckles at this. "Bet that pissed him off."
Liv shrugs. "I'm avoiding him and it's not fair."
"Nah, you don't owe Stabler anything, Liv. He can wait the rest of his life till you're ready to talk." Rising from his chair, he heads for the door. "You know it's only a matter of time before he shows up here; what do you want me to do?"
She takes a minute to mull it over. There's so much on her plate right now as it is, she's not sure that she can mentally take on unpacking the past 10 years with Elliot. "I'll see him if I'm free…I need to set some kind of boundary with him."
Fin nods.
. . . . . .
"How are Olivia and Noah?" Lucia questions.
Rafael leans back in his chair, watching the waiter sit a young couple in a nearby table. "Liv went back to work today….they've got a particularly difficult case on their hands and needed her."
"The second avenue stranger?" She asks. "I saw that in the paper just the other day! How Mija deals with such depraviltiy every day…" she shakes her head, looking through her menu. "The NYPD are lucky to have her."
He nods. "….she's actually being recognized for her work at the commissioners gala in a few weeks."
Lucia grins. "What wonderful news! She more than deserves it!"
"She does," he agrees, looking to his menu as well.
"If you need a babysitter, I'd be more than happy to take Noah for the night."
Rafael looks up at her offer. His knee jerk reaction is to decline, worries of what might happen to Noah while in her care flooding his mind. "I'll let Liv know."
Lucia smiles. "How is my nieto?"
"He actually went back to school today." Normally he would never leave his phone on the table between them, but he's been a little more than anxious all morning, anticipating a call from his school.
"It's been a big day at your house."
He chuckles, nodding. "It has."
"And you?"
He sips his water. "What about me?"
"Do you plan on filling your days taking your mother to lunch, or are you going to go back to work?"
"You're not enjoying my exceptional company?"
"I always enjoy your company, mijo…..I just worry about you."
"You don't have to worry about me," he reassures. "Tell me how the new after school program is going."
Lucia gives him a look, but lets him change the subject.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Incoming," Carisi announcing, tipping his head towards Stabler entering the precinct.
Fin rises from his desk to intercept him. "Nah, you're not coming in here with all your bullshit."
Elliot raises his hands in an gesture of peace. "I'm not here to start anything."
"Then why are you here?" Amanda questions. "Our Lieutenant is busy; we can take a message."
Elliot shares a look with Fin, before glancing between the two members of her squad he's unfamiliar with. He recognizes them both from the hospital and he's incredibly happy that she's got people around her that are loyal; even if they're ready to lay him out right here in the precinct.
"We got off on the wrong foot," Elliot begins. "….knowing SVU as well as I do, I know you've all got Liv's back and I shoulda respected that at the hospital….I'm sorry."
Amanda and Carisi share a quick look before turning to Fin for direction.
"Hey, guys," Olivia exits her office, her attention on the file in her hand. "I know we're focused on Pattern 23, but where are we on the Parsons case?"
"DNA evidence, eye witness puts the rapist at the location, positive ID," Carisi answers.
"So why isn't…" She looks up, halting her steps at the sight of Elliot. "…this moving forward?"
"Barba's office has been bouncing around our cases….temp's still getting up to speed," Fin answers. "I can show Stabler out."
She shakes her head. "It's fine. My office?" She can feel Elliot behind her and as she sits behind her desk, he closes the door behind them.
"Looks like you've got a great squad," he comments, sitting in a chair opposite her. "Loyal," he adds.
"They are," Liv confirms.
"Look, Liv….I'm sorry….this isn't how I wanted things to go down between us, you gotta believe me."
She holds his gaze. "I don't know what to believe, Elliot…10 years have passed. I'm not that same person anymore."
Elliot nods. "I wanna know, Liv. Everything about your life, who you are now."
"I'm not ready for that," she says softly. "I'm hurt, Elliot, and angry….my family has been through something incredibly traumatic and that's where my focus is right now. I need you to respect that."
His teeth rake over his bottom lip and he nods. "Ok…I get it, I do….you need space, time." Reaching into the breast pocket of his jacket, he pulls out a white envelope. "….I don't know whether to give this to you or not….I wasn't sure how this was going to go and I wrote some things down….just in case." He offers her the envelop. "Read it…or don't."
She accepts the envelop, holding it in her hands.
Elliot rises to his feet, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I'll go."
"El?" She calls out, stopping him at the door.
He turns to face her.
"Take care of yourself."
Elliot nods. "You too, Liv."
. . . . . . . . . . . .
"How did the lunch go with your mother?" Dr. Lindstrom questions.
Rafael leans back in his chair. "It wasn't as awkward as I had anticipated….it was actually kind of nice."
"How so?"
"The weight of my assault wasn't hanging over me…I wasn't looking for reasons to be angry with her."
Dr. Lindstrom nods. "Thanks so good to hear, Rafael. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss today?"
He can feel the heat sliding up his neck. "….Yes, actually."
Dr. Lindstrom waits patiently.
"…Noah and I were at the grocery store yesterday and there was a man -Mark was his name-and he wanted to give me his number….asked if we could get a drink some time."
"How did that make you feel?"
He shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "…I've had sex with men in the past, but it was such a destructive time in my life I never thought beyond the pleasure I was seeking."
"Are you reevaluating that period of your life?"
"Maybe?…I've always told myself that it was what everyone expected of me, what my father expected of me….that it was just sex but…." He shakes his head, chewing his bottom lip.
"Did you find yourself attracted to Mark?"
Rafael nods, leaning forward to place his face in his hands. "…I felt it in the pit of my stomach…I looked back, I imagined things that….I'm not fucking proud of."
"You felt shame," Dr. Lindstrom provides. "Why?"
"….because of who I am, what I was raised to be," He answers angrily. "I've dated woman, I'm in love with Olivia, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and now…" he shakes his head, rising to his feet to pace. "….and now I'm having fantasies about a random man I met in the meat department at my grocery store?!"
"A persons sexuality can be fluid and on a spectrum, Rafael-"
"-I'm not gay," he snaps.
Dr. Lindstrom gives him a minute before speaking. "…your father thought you were, and he sexually assaulted you. In your mind, the mere possibility that you are attracted to men causes you to feel shame, anger, guilt….pain."
He wipes his eyes, leaning over the back of his chair. "I feel like I don't know who I am anymore….like I have no control of my life."
Dr. Lindstrom nods. "That is a typical response, Rafael….I'd like to offer some advice, that will hopefully allow you to feel like you have some control."
Rafael nods.
"You're a lawyer. Before any trail, you review your case notes, evidence, witness statements."
"Yes."
"You may even do a little research, looking for legal precedence; I want you to conduct some research on the queer community…..knowledge can offer us peace of mind. So much has changed in our understanding of gender and sexuality; we no longer have to ascribe to the binary if it doesn't reflect who we are."
"Ok."
"And be kind to yourself, Rafael. You're learning to live with your trauma and that takes time. Whenever you feel like you're loosing control, find an anchor: reading, exercise, meditating, something that will ground you."
"I suppose scotch isn't an option?" He halfheartedly jokes.
Dr. Lindstrom shakes his head. "You've spent years numbing the pain, Rafael; if you're serious about wanting to heal, finding new coping strategies is a must."
He nods. "…what about Liv?"
"What about her?"
"The last thing I want to do is hurt her….she's been through so much already and I can't add more of my baggage."
Dr. Lindstrom gives him a thoughtful look. "Has Olivia given you any indication that she doesn't want to, or isn't capable of, helping you carry this?"
"Just because she can, doesn't mean she should have to," he defends.
"Don't you think that should be Olivia's decision?…you've expressed feeling a loss of control in your own life; consider Olivia's feelings if you take this decision from her."
Rafael nods. "I here you."
"Share with her what you're comfortable with; no one, especially Olivia I'm sure, wants you to move faster than what you're comfortable with. Communication is important to you both and something you have identified as one of your strengths as a couple; don't loose sight of that."
He nods.
Tbc