Chapter 31
If Hermione had any doubts Harry was punishing her, the document he'd handed her with a grin was solid proof.
"Assisted Slip Space holes?" Hermione asked.
"Yup!" Harry said, giggling.
"Assholes." Hermione said with a frown.
"LANGUAGE!" Harry, Integra, Seras, Sirius and Alucard all yelled simultaneously.
"But.. it's so brilliant... But it's so stupid!" Hermione said, clearly struggling.
"The best part is, when I start selling them, I can show up at people's houses and say 'Hey! Let me put my asshole in your closet!" Harry said, snickering.
"Harry..." Hermione said.
"And the Goblin charms make the name unchangable! Even I can't change it!" Harry yelled then fell over laughing.
"1... 2... 3..." Hermione closed her eyes and started counting out loud.
"I installed one at Potter Manor that leads to a beach house my family owns in Hawaii. Sirius, do you want to ride my asshole all the way to paradise?" Harry shouted, laughing so hard he was crying.
"Why is the smartest man I know so juvenile?" Hermione muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. Even Integra was laughing uncontrollably.
"It's ok Hermione. When Harry told me about the ass cannon he mentioned that at the time was just looking for something stupid to laugh at. Let him have this." Integra said, wiping the tears out of her eyes.
"Fine!" Hermione said, tossing the paper back on the table in front of where Harry would have been sitting if he wasn't curled up in the fetal position laughing on the floor. After a few moments Harry regained his composure and sat in his chair.
"I'm sorry, Hermione." Harry said.
"It's fine." Hermione said, obviously still irritated.
"You must think I'm such an asshole." Harry said starting everyone laughing again.
Once Harry had his fun, they started working on plans to deploy the portals. Harry had purchased a house outside of Liverpool on fifty acres of land. The house itself was unremarkable, however in the basement there was an entrance to a cold war bunker the rich, paranoid owner had built in the 1960s. It was designed to accommodate his entire neighborhood, and there were dozens of apartments built into it, and thus dozens of doors. This suited Harry because the rooms themselves could be used either for shelter or storage, whereas the doors were turned into portals and acted as a network hub.
Connected thus far were Harry's Quarters in Hellsing Manor, Hermione and Ron's house, Zorin and Rip's house, Hogwarts in a door right outside of Minerva's office, Grimmauld place, the Glasgow orphanage, and just so Harry could test the limits of it, Sirius' vineyard in Napa Valley. Harry was hoping to have an asshole on the moon within the next twenty years.
On the topic of the Moon, Harry had started searching for either an old NASA space suit or a Soviet Cosmonaut spacesuit so that he could try apparating to the Moon, however he was dissuaded from it by of all people Alucard, who informed him that a space suit would not protect him from radiation, and he was planning on impregnating several women. He decided to shelve that idea until either he had a way of blocking radiation, or his legacy had been well and truly secured.
Schrodinger was overjoyed because even though he lived with Zorin and Rip, he could easily just walk through a few doors and hang out with Harry either in his manor or at Hellsing. Harry was overjoyed for the same reason, but also because he could hit up Heinkel for her magic coffee every morning. The kids at the oprhanage were forbidden to visit Hellsing without prior notice, but Potter Manor was open to them whenever they liked, and the Potter Elves were ecstatic having so many children to fawn over.
Time flew, and unfortunately movement on the Millennium problem was slow. Matrograno was smarter than Maxwell and didn't respond to their letters, but that did not dissuade Harry and Alucard. They had considered the possibility of having Carrie deliver some sort of doorway, perhaps even a hula-hoop to Matrograno that they could use as a portal and just kill him directly, but Harry stomped that idea out because they had no definitive proof that he was involved in any killings.
One day, Harry woke up in his bed at Hellsing, but was upset to discover that Seras was nowhere to be seen. He got up and showered, then dressed and made his way to the Cafeteria. Strangely nobody was there, outside of a few Hellsing regulars milling about, performing their duties. Harry had resigned himself to eating alone when a brilliant white stag bounded into the room and approached him.
"Harry, can you come to Potter Manor? I found something here that doesn't seem right.." Schrodinger's voice said, before the patronus disappeared. Harry apparated immediately and was floored by what he encountered.
"Happy Birthday!" was shouted at him by Seras, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Luna, The entirety of the Weasley clan, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Zorin, Rip, Schrodinger, Integra, Alucard, Pip, the Wild Geese, Daphne, Tracey, Hagrid, Filch and Minerva.
"Whaa?" He said articulately.
"You forgot didn't you? Of course. The only birthday you'd forget is your own." Seras said with a grin.
"You didn't..." Harry went to say but Seras interrupted him.
"Stow it, Harry. We wanted to. Sit down and eat your lunch." Integra said
"Lunch? I just woke up.." Harry said. Alucard cackled.
"You have become complacent in your old age. Luna here is quite the potions mistress. It's noon." Alucard said. Harry's jaw dropped.
"Not cool..." Harry said but couldn't stop himself from smiling. His heart was bursting with joy, he'd had birthday celebrations in the past, thanks almost exclusively to Hermione and the Weasleys, but this was just... amazing.
"Anderson will be by later with Heinkel, Yumie and the kids." Integra said, waddling over to him and hugging him.
"You should sit down before you get tired, Integra." Harry said. She rolled her eyes.
"Yes, Dad." She said, everyone chuckled at that. The elves went overboard on lunch, as they always did, and they all were overjoyed at the thanks he offered them. Seras sat in the seat directly to his left, and Integra sat in the one directly to his right. He magically widened his chair so that Schrodinger could sit next to him, which made the cat boy very happy.
"Do you notice he hasn't let Integra out of his sight?" Minerva said quietly to Hermione as they ate. Hermione nodded.
"Same with Alucard. I don't smell anything wrong with her, but keep an eye out, Harry's intuition is rarely wrong." Zorin said. Minerva and Hermione nodded. Lunch was finished, followed by Harry blowing out twenty four candles on a birthday cake, which to his disappointment, did not contain a naked Seras. Harry was overjoyed with the Quidditch tickets he'd received from everyone, and made a point to console Ron on the Cannon's impending loss to his little sister's team. That started a playful argument between the Quidditch Enthusiasts
The individual presents ranged from books from Hermione, Minerva and Remus, to a brand new Firebolt mark 2 from Sirius. What he felt was his favorite though, even more so than the beautiful watch Seras gave him along with the IOU for some extremely dirty sex later on that was whispered into his ear as he unwrapped it, was a simply wrapped bundle Schrodinger handed him.
"Oh..." Harry said quietly after unwrapping it. It was a photo of Harry and Schrodinger sitting together in a chair at Potter Manor, looking through one of Harry's photo albums, they were both laughing at what they were looking at. The photo itself was amazing, but the frame it was set in was what had provoked his reaction. It was clearly handmade, and beautifully decorated. Schrodinger was extremely gifted artistically, the words carved into the top were the best gift he'd ever recalled receiving. Above the frame was carved 'Best Dad Ever.'
Harry's eyes welled up, and he looked at Schrodinger who was looking up at him nervously.
"Do you like it?" Schrodinger asked. Harry nodded and captured him in a hug, kissing the top of his head.
"I love it, and I love you my wonderful, brilliant, amazing son." Harry said. Schrodinger smiled happily. Everyone was silent, staring at them, most in tears, but the moment was inevitably ruined by the loud trumpet-like sound of Hagrid blowing his nose. Harry laughed, and shortly after everyone else followed suit.
They sat and enjoyed each other's company for the rest of the afternoon, however at one point both Alucard and Harry rushed over to Integra who had slumped over in her chair and was in danger of falling over.
"Harry what's wrong? I can't tell what's wrong." Alucard said, panicking. Harry waved his hand over taking her vitals, her breathing was shallow and rapid and her heart was beating fast. He had a thought and gathered one of her hands, nicking her finger.
"Taste her blood, see if you can find anything." Harry said. Alucard took her hand and licked the bleeding finger, and his eyes widened.
"Something's wrong, her blood is bitter." he said. Harry nodded.
"I thought so. One second." Harry said rummaging through his pocket and pulling out his potions satchel. A moment later he withdrew a vial with a black liquid in it. He gently slapped her face a few times and that woke her up.
"Integra I need you to drink this. Your blood sugar is too low. This will help." Harry said. She looked at him with heavily-lidded eyes and opened her mouth. He tipped the contents of the vial in and she choked at first but eventually got it down. Almost instantly her color improved and she was able to sit up on her own.
"What happened?" Integra asked, her voice shaky.
"Gestational diabetes I think. Your blood sugar was dangerously low. I have a potion that cures diabetes but it's not safe for pregnant women, we'll need to get you to your doctor as soon as possible. Until then don't go anywhere without either Alucard or myself." Harry said. Integra frowned and reached into her clutch pulling out her phone.
"Is she going to be ok?" Schrodinger asked, on the verge of tears.
"She has gestational diabetes. It's not uncommon. The baby is making it hard for her to regulate her blood sugar. She'll be fine, especially now that we know what to look for." Harry said, squeezing him on the shoulder. Schrodinger nodded but still looked worried.
"She'll see me tomorrow morning." Integra said, putting her phone back.
"Ok I'll drive the Jag over to the manor tonight and bring you in tomorrow. Until then, no matter how much of an annoying ass he's being, keep Alucard around." Harry said with a grin, getting a laugh and middle finger from the vampire. Harry withdrew a few more vials and handed them to Alucard.
"Just in case. Only one at a time, and wait two hours before giving her another, once she sees the doctor they'll give her a monitor and maybe some medicine. Nothing I can give her will be safer than that." Harry said. Alucard nodded, and put the vials in his jacket.