Chapter 38

Bishop Matrograno was having a very hard day. His predecessor had spoken of Hellsing's pet vampire and his juvenile sense of humor, however this wizard of hers had gone above and beyond. His constant correspondence, which he felt an overwhelming compulsion to read, alternated between frankly horrifying and graphic death threats, and equally horrifying and graphic love letters. It was with a sense of dread that he walked into his chambers and saw the disgusting vulture standing on his bedside table, having violently defecated all over it.

"Begone you foul bird!" Matrograno yelled. Carrie responded by adding a new coat of liquid feces all over the table. Matrograno reached into his wardrobe and produced a cane, and waved it threateningly at the bird, which took flight but refused to leave, instead perching on the canopy of the Bishop's lavish bed.

"Leave!" Matrograno screamed. The bird responded by vomiting several gallons of putrid, rotten pig's blood all over him, splashing it all over the bed next to him as wel and effectively staining his white robes red. Once she was satisfied, she shook a letter loose from her leg, defecated on his desk again then left. Matrograno was apoplectic, but it was not enough to stop him from picking up the letter and opening it. Inside were several 500 euro bank notes and a letter which read:

My Darling Bishop,

Congratulations on your promotion to Cardinal! If everything went as planned, you should be appropriately adorned in red vestments now. We apologize if Carrie's visit was brief, she has been suffering from the most appalling case of vulture diarrhea my potions kit can safely produce.

Please accept our gift for the purpose of cleanup, and if it's not enough then send us a bill from the cleaning service, and we'll pay the balance directly. We don't mean to insinuate you might take advantage of our generosity, wait yes that's precisely what we're insinuating.

Anyway, please enjoy the pig's blood and vulture shit, don't worry there's plenty more where that came from. Perhaps one day we shall meet in person and after we're done with our vigorous and extremely enthusiastic three-way sex bonanza, we will drown you in pig's blood, vulture shit, donkey piss, pick your poison!

Love,

Harry James Potter-Victoria & Alucard.

Matrograno howled in rage before withdrawing his now filthy cell phone and calling the cleaning service he'd recently had to add to his speed-dial list. They refused to answer his calls, however they did take his business.. at a steep premium. One thing he was thankful for is that those two clowns insisted on paying for it, there's no way he would be able to justify the expense to his superiors.

Hours later, back at Hellsing Manor, Minerva MacGonnagal had arrived with a few sealed flasks for Integra and Seras when she was asked to join Harry, Alucard, Seras, Pip, Sirius and Zorin in viewing a memory in Harry's pensieve, which appeared to be adorned with a few new runes that Minerva didn't recognize. She shrugged and joined them, Integra and Rip had opted out because they knew the subject matter they were viewing.

"Why is Minerva here today?" Rip asked.

"She has an elixir of Rowan Berries for Seras and I. In Scottish folklore it's supposed to ward off 'The Evil Eye' and fairies. In reality, those two can be serious problems when one is bearing a magical child, which Seras and I are, and which Zorin will soon be." Integra said, gesturing to the third flask sitting on the table behind them.

"That was awfully sweet of her." Rip said fondly. Integra smiled.

"Even though Harry is technically her boss, they still are very much grandmother and grandchild, if not in name and blood then in every other important way." Integra explained.

"I still can't believe what he's offered us all." Rip said.

"He's dead serious about it too. He treats me like I'm his wife In all the ways except... well you know." Integra said blushing at the end.

"Still hold a candle for him, eh?" Rip asked sadly. Integra shrugged.

"I suppose in a way I always will, no other man has ever really interested me, but I love Seras like a sister and would never betray her or Harry." Integra said. Rip hugged her.

"I longed for Zorin for the better part of half of a century. It gets easier with time." Rip reassured her.

"It's not really bad, to be honest. I mean he loves me, he treats me like a queen, he's literally fathered my baby, and never asks for anything in return. He even cooks for me." Integra said, grinning. They emerged from the pensieve and all but Minerva immediately collapsed onto the floor laughing hysterically. Minerva was struggling not to join them.

"Good Lord I've never been so disgusted and amused at the same time in my life!" Minerva shouted.

"Oh my god! His face! Did you see his fucking face!?" Alucard shouted between laughs.

"It took so long to figure out how to get a three pound bird to hold fifteen gallons of pig's blood, but god was the payoff worth it." Harry said.

"Harry, why did I feel like I wanted to eat zat dead rat?" Pip said, after taking a few minutes to regain his composure.

"I modified the pensieve, not only does it relay images and sound but now it also relays feelings. I forgot to shut that off first though, that was kinda gross." Harry said.

"So vomiting fifteen gallons of rotting pig's blood all over a bishop is fine but wanting to eat a dead rat is gross?" Rip asked. Harry shrugged.

"I'm not trying to kink shame Pip here." Harry said. Pip looked scandalized. Minerva was staring incredulously at Harry.

"You modified a pensieve to relay feelings?" Minerva asked. Harry nodded.

"And it's selective. I've already sent my notes to Hermione, expect her owl in a week or so." Harry said with a grin. Minerva shook her head.

"Oh Carrie that was a wonderful performance! You're gonna get ALL of the dead armadillos!" Harry said, lovingly to the vulture who was looking very proud of herself, perched in a windowsill. Harry stroked her feathers, much to her delight.

"Where are you going to find armadillos in England?" Rip asked.

"I know a guy." Harry said, refusing to elaborate.

"You know a lot of guys." Integra countered.

"I'm pretty friendly. Not too hard on the eyes as well, I'm told." Harry said with a conceited grin. Integra wanted to chastise him, but he wasn't wrong.

"Oh I head from Thaelynn, the last design for the pier she sent me was definitely the one I want so they're building it now. The sub has temporary mooring thanks to a sunken Yacht Schrodinger and I found. We surfaced it and attached it to the wreck with conjured chains." Harry said.

"Admiral Nylund of the Royal Navy said that since it was built in the eighties and is not a historical artifact, as well as the fact that you're a head of state, they're going to shift some paperwork around and make it legal, though he did show an interest in touring it at some point." Integra said.

"Any time he'd like, so long as none of you need me." Harry said.

"He also gave me a list of volunteers that would be interested in helping you crew it. There are quite a few squibs and muggleborns in the military, since you changed things they are interested in exploring the possibility of rejoining the magical community, this would be an ample opportunity." Integra said. Harry scratched his chin.

"Are any of them high-ranking officers? Everything I know about naval operations I learned by watching the movie 'Down Periscope' I'm going to need a minister of war." Harry said. Integra nodded.

"Rear Admiral Jeremy Nott." Integra said, looking at the list. Harry gaped at her.

"Nott? Oh man that would be perfect. Imagine that smug fucker's face when I hire his squib uncle or whatever to lead my navy." Harry said.

"Your navy consists of a single diesel U-boat." Zorin observed.

"For now." Harry said, grinning.