50. Take your heart and run
So I guess it's over now
And you broke me down somehow
I can hear what you said
Echoing in my head
I'm losing...myself
I'm shaking deep inside
I'm having trouble breathing
I need somewhere to hide
Away cause I am healing
I'm having trouble breathing
Tomorrow I am healing...*
"My order was clear. You were supposed to keep him close! You know how important it's to us!"
Snape rose with difficulty from the cold floor, supporting himself on trembling hands. Blood was dripping from the corner of his mouth. He didn't lift his head. He kept it lowered, staring at his reflection in the dark marble.
"Forgive me, my Lord. I got carried away by... hate. But this is only a minor obstacle. In fact, this situation is very beneficial to us."
Voldemort lowered his wand slightly, yet still pointing it at the man kneeling on the floor, and narrowed his red eyes.
"What do you mean?"
Snape looked up. There was a menacing smile on his lips.
"I'll wait until the boy calms down and starts missing me. I will be able to finish the potion in peace, and he won't be under my feet. And when the time is right... I will strike." Something in the black eyes flashed with steely confidence. "I'm going to play it this way, so that Potter will fall at my feet and beg me to let him come back to me."
Voldemort lowered his hand completely, looking carefully at the man's dark, narrowed eyes.
"I have no doubt," he said after a moment. "You have already proven to me many times that you are the best at this type of tasks. But I will not tolerate your willfulness. You have to follow the instructions."
"Don't be afraid, my Lord. Potter will be ready on time."
An icy smile appeared on Voldemort's lips. He turned abruptly and walked to the tall chair at the other end of the room.
"How long will it take?" he asked, sitting down softly on the ebony chair.
Snape slowly rose from the floor and straightened up. He brushed off his robes and assumed a proud posture, as if he had not received several Cruciatus in a row a moment ago.
"Just over two weeks. Everything is almost ready. I'll give him the potion an hour before I leave for Hogsmeade."
"Remember that no one can know that he went to Hogsmeade with you. Afterwards, you will return to the castle and when that old fool realizes that the boy is missing and raises the alarm, you will start searching with the others. I need you there, Severus."
The man nodded stiffly. His face looked like a mask now. Not a single muscle moved on it.
"You know what will happen to you if you fail..." Voldemort's voice lowered a few tones and the room seemed to suddenly become colder.
"Everything will go according to plan," Snape replied decisively, as if he hadn't even considered any other option.
Voldemort narrowed his eyes.
"I want to look into your mind, Severus.?
The man didn't seem surprised by this request. Voldemort often searched the minds of his followers to ensure that they were completely loyal to him. However, he rarely warned about it. Surprise intrusion gave him much more pleasure because it was associated with much more severe pain for the victim, who, surprised by the unexpected penetration of their thoughts, tried to defend themselves and throw the intruder out of their head. Yet Voldemort couldn't be thrown out without losing consciousness. Therefore, penetration was much less painful if the victim didn't defend themselves or try to hide something. It was best to just let him watch everything.
The Dark Lord's vertical pupils dilated slightly as he entered the mind of the man in front of him. A vein throbbed painfully on Snape's temple, and his lips pursed into a pale line. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't hide the pain that appeared on his face. It seemed to burn just beneath the stretched skin. Drops of sweat flowed down his body.
After a while, Voldemort withdrew. A barely audible sigh escaped the man's lips.
Voldemort leaned back in his throne-like chair and smiled in satisfaction.
"Perfect," he whispered. He closed his eyes for a moment and something very dangerously reminding pleasure appeared on his face. As if he was remembering something that gave him great satisfaction." I love watching this memory. I love looking into his green terrified eyes when you start strangling him with that tie." The eyelids lifted and the red eyes stared into the black ones. "I'm pleased with you, Severus. You took him to pieces for me. There is nothing left in him that I haven't gotten to know already. Thanks to you, I looked into every, even the darkest corner of his soul. And soon this soul will belong to me." The lipless mouth stretched into a ghastly smile.
"It was my pleasure," Snape replied, bowing his head and smiling smugly to himself.
When we wake up in the morning, we only have a few seconds... a few seconds of blissful unconsciousness before our ego - which has been drifting through the realms of sleep - returns to our body, bringing... a fear. A few seconds of wonderful ignorance before we understand who we are, where we are and what awaits us. Just a few seconds to prepare for the impact of the world. And suddenly we are no longer a creature of dreams floating in the safe darkness... reality catches up with us. We suddenly realize with full force that what happened yesterday was true and that today it can only get worse. And there is no escape from it. You have to get up and... survive this day somehow. We cannot sink back into the ignorance. There is no turning back.
Harry was no exception. When he woke up that cold Tuesday morning, for a few seconds he was someone else. Someone who does not feel, does not dream, does not regret... Someone for whom the world still exists and the coming day does not connotate only with pain and emptiness.
But it only lasted a few seconds. In one shocking moment, everything came back to him, flooding his mind, and he had to close his eyes very tightly to stop the thick lava of memories pouring into his mind. Along with the images and words came also something else, something that tightened his throat and made him feel a painful pressure in his chest.
He took a deep, shaky breath and for a few moments he had hope that maybe it was just a dream. That he would wake up for real in a moment and he wouldn't feel this pressure or bitterness and he could just get out of bed and... live. Or maybe someone cast the Legilimens Evocis spell on him and locked him in a nightmare?
His hand went under the pillow involuntarily, searching for the cool, smooth surface of the stone. He didn't find it there, though.
It wasn't a nightmare. It was true.
He carefully lifted his eyelids.
You are and always will be nothing to me. Do you understand? Nothing!
He squeezed his eyes shut again.
No! He didn't want to remember this! What purpose did it make? It was the end.
The end.
Well, that word didn't sound very optimistic. No, it sounded... ultimately. He felt as if he had lost someone close to him. There was a place in him where this person lived, but now he was no longer there. Now there was only a void left that he couldn't fill for now. He didn't know what to fill it with. Or whether it's even possible.
He sighed and opened his eyes again. He couldn't escape it. He couldn't escape the memories of everything that happened yesterday, from entering the classroom to-
"Dude, what was that supposed to mean?" Ron asked as Harry approached his friends waiting for him outside the Potions classroom. He didn't look at them. He passed by without a word, without raising his head or saying a word. He didn't feel like talking to anyone. He didn't feel like having any company. He just wanted to leave. Leave and hide somewhere.
However, Ron followed him. After a moment's hesitation, so did Hermione. They walked without saying a word for some time. They passed torches burning on the walls of the dungeon that seemed to go on forever, as if the cold, harsh corridors had no end.
After some time, Harry heard Ron's uncertain voice behind him: "Will you finally tell us what it was about? After all, Snape-"
"Ron!" Hermione interrupted him warningly, but the redhead didn't seem to notice it at all.
"After all, Snape has said much worse things to you many times, and you have never-"
"Ron!"
"-and it never bothered you. What happened? It looked-"
"Ron!" Hermione grabbed his sleeve and yanked him, but the redhead pulled his arm away.
"It looked a bit abnormal. You know... I understand that Snape can be cruel, but his rude comments have always only pissed you off, they've never brought you-"
"Ron, shut up!"
"-to tears. I just... don't understand it."
Harry stopped suddenly. His friends did the same. He slowly turned and looked at them in a way that made Ron involuntarily step back and Hermione bit her lip and looked away.
"I'm having... some problems right now," Harry said carefully. "And I want you to leave me alone."
"What problems?" Ron didn't give up. Harry saw the fierceness on his face. What else could he expect after such a show? Even Ron wasn't that stupid...
"It's none of your business," Harry drawled. He had enough. He didn't feel like explaining, lying, making up things. He wanted everyone to just leave him alone now. He moved forward again, completely ignoring his friend's shocked expression.
"How can you say that? "Ron called after him. "You've been acting like a lunatic all day. You've been walking around lost in thoughts, nothing could reach you. And now you burst into tears in Snape's lesson. What the hell was that supposed to mean?"
Harry stopped again.
What was he supposed to tell him? What the hell was he supposed to say? How could he explain such a thing?
He turned to Ron.
"I... I'm a little broken because-" He pursed his lips. Down the hall, over the shoulder of his friend who was staring at him expectantly, he spotted two Slytherin girls walking. "Because... I broke up with my girlfriend. Yesterday evening. And she-" he swallowed "-told me something terrible. And Snape reminded me of it. And I-" he lowered his head.
There was silence for a moment. He didn't care whether Ron believed him or not. If only he would finally leave him alone.
"Oh..." After a while, he heard his friend's voice. "That's... that's okay. I mean, not like 'it's okay that you had a fight with your girlfriend' or anything like that, but it's okay that... you know what I mean."
Harry nodded, still staring at the stone slabs covering the floor.
"Are you sure it's over?" Hermione suddenly asked in a strange, strangled voice.
"Yes," Harry replied, feeling a sudden coldness in his chest. "Entirely."
"That's... good…" Hermione whispered. "She won't make you happy. You shouldn't put your feelings... on someone like that."
Harry's eyes widened, but he didn't look up.
She knew! She has guessed it!
A sudden fear gripped his heart.
But she's not going to- Right? She's not going to-
Ron looked at her in surprise.
"How could you know that? Do you know who he's talking about? You know her?"
"No. It's just that... I know Harry."
Harry swallowed. "Can you-? Can I... be alone for a while?"
"Come on, Ron." The girl grabbed the redhead's hand. "We'll be in the Common Room, Harry. If you need anything."
The boy nodded, still not looking up. He heard his friends' footsteps retreating.
He had to... find a place. A place where he could hide. And forget.
Harry entered the owlery and looked around for Hedwig. It was so cold that most of the owls were just sitting on their perches, cuddling up to each other or snuggling up in their own wings. Hedwig was sitting on the highest perch, and when Harry entered the feces-smelling room, she hooted happily, shook her feathers, and flew down, straight into the boy's outstretched hand.
"Hello, Hedwig," he whispered, stroking her snow-white wings. "I'm sorry I haven't visited you lately. I've been... a little busy. But now... I'm not busy anymore."
The owl looked at him reproachfully, but didn't seem offended. She pinched his hand as if to say, 'I'll forgive you, but only this last time.' Harry sighed and looked around for a place to sit. He brushed aside the snow that had fallen into the room through the glassless windows against one of the walls and settled himself against the wall, allowing Hedwig to fly to the nearest ledge, where she perched on and stared at him with her beady eyes.
Harry drew his legs up, wrapped his arms around them, and rested his forehead on his knees. It was as icy in the owlery as it was outside. Every now and then a frosty wind blew through the windows, bringing with it wet snowflakes that landed on Harry's face and made his whole body shiver, but he didn't mind at all. No matter how cold it was, the coldness in his heart was much more chilling.
He never imagined that it would end like this. That it would end this way. That it would end at all.
But what could he expect? He was doomed to failure from the very beginning. He just didn't want to realize it before. He still clung to that stupid hope that maybe in the future... when it was all over... he would be... they would be... for the rest of their days...
But his plans were trampled. It turned out that for the most important person in his life he was just... a nothing. A miserable, worthless, meaningless zero.
He shouldn't be surprised. After all, Snape had made it clear to him so many times... But he was too blinded to see it. Too fixated. Too stupid. Too naive.
Too in love.
What about everything they've been through together? After all, he saved the man's life when the Crackwats attacked him! He stayed with him at Hogwarts for the holidays, even though he could have gone to the Burrow with his friends! He was able to make him laugh, he learned about the damned blood of the Erumpent! He masturbated for him! And whenever Snape wanted... Harry gave him all of himself! He gave him so much that there was almost nothing left for him.
It didn't mean anything?
Apparently not. Not for someone like Snape. For someone who only takes, draws out, chews, and then, when he is full, simply spits the remnants out... For someone whose only purpose in life is to waste the lives of others. How could he even think he could change someone like him? That he could force him to abandon the poisonous, crusty, rock-hard shell that had protected him from the world for so many years and open it enough for someone to slip through the crack... someone like Harry.
He shouldn't take such risks. He shouldn't try to squeeze through that gap. Because now that it had suddenly snapped shut, it had cut him to pieces, and made him lost something inside, under this poisonous shell, something he was unable to function without - his heart.
He swallowed hard. His throat was so tight that he could barely make it.
Now... now he would have to learn to be alone again. He will have to learn to live... without him. But he didn't know if it was even possible.
Because how can you go on living with only... an emptiness inside you?
"At last! We were already starting to worry!" Ron exclaimed as soon as Harry, chilled to the bone, entered the Common Room. The room was filled with chattering students, so almost no one noticed his arrival. For now. "Sit down. You look like you came back from the polar pole."
Harry, avoiding the increasingly curious glances, moved towards the fireplace and his friends who were calling to him. However, before he reached the couch, some of the students had already started whispering among themselves and pointing at him. Some sentences reached Harry's ears:
"-I don't see any bruises..."
"-do you think he's coming back from the hospital wing?"
"-he must be in quite a shock..."
Harry sat down between Ron and Hermione, understanding absolutely nothing of these fragments of sentences. He didn't want to know what it was about, though.
"Man, you can't even imagine what's going on," Ron began. "The whole school is buzzing with gossip. This lesson will go down in history, I tell you."
Before Harry could respond, a breathless Dennis Creevey materialized next to the couch, his cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Harry, wow! I heard what you did! How you stood up to Snape and he beat you up! And how Neville cried and you defended him! You are amazing!"
From somewhere in the distance, Neville's nervous voice came to Harry: "How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't cry at all?!"
Angelina appeared next to Dennis, followed by Katie Bell. "We heard that Snape cleaned everyone's cauldrons and made someone cry. And he took points away from the Slytherins! That's true?"
"Uh…" Ron began, glancing at the completely stunned Harry. "Partially."
"And apparently he beat up Neville! And he kicked you out of the classroom."
"No, he beat Harry," Dennis told them. Both girls looked at Harry in disbelief.
"Really?"
Harry blinked. What did all this mean?
"No. Nobody beat me," he replied, a little nervous about the whole situation.
"I knew Snape was a mean bastard, but to attack a student in class..." Angelina said, shaking her head, as if what Harry had said hadn't really reached her mind.
"He did it because Harry defended Neville!" Dennis exclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement. "I know everything! From Colin, who heard it from Miranda, who heard it from Michael - the brother of Jolice, who is friends with Ginny, who told her about it. First, Snape ordered Neville to drink some potion, but Harry stood up and knocked it out of his hand. And the potion shattered and Neville started crying and Snape got mad and jumped at Harry and pushed him onto the bench. He kicked everyone out of the class, but he told Harry to stay and then he beat him so that there would be no witnesses!"
"What?" Harry could only choke out that one word.
"Damn, I have to tell Annie and Denise from the fifth year about this!" Katie shouted, running away into the crowd of students, and Angelina followed her.
"Harry, it's really amazing that you didn't go and complain to the Headmaster!" Dennis continued chattering. "I would do that right away! What did Snape beat you with? Some kind of belt? A wand? Surely not with a whip? Oh my! Probably with a whip! It must've hurt! I have to tell Colin about this! "He turned and ran to the other end of the Common Room, where his brother Colin was excitedly telling a group of second-years about the amazing events in the sixth-years' Potions lesson.
Harry slowly turned towards Ron and Hermione. The girl pursed her lips and stared at her hands, and Ron had a contrite look on his face.
"Don't look at us like that," the redhead started. "We didn't come up with this. Everyone adds something to the story and in the end no one knows what really happened. I even heard a version that Snape chased you around the classroom and demolished it completely before he finally caught you."
"I'm tired of hearing this nonsense," Hermione said, tossing her hair back and taking a deep breath. She looked very concerned and nervous. "Let's go to dinner."
"I don't know if I want to..." Harry muttered, looking down.
"But I'm telling you, you want to," she said in a determined tone, and Harry felt her piercing gaze on himself. He didn't have the strength or desire to argue. He nodded and struggled to get up from the couch. As they left the Common Room, he looked back again and saw Colin demonstrating sweeping whip strokes to the second years.
There was a little less noise in the Great Hall than in the Common Room, but Harry knew that everyone was talking about the same thing. He wasn't sure if he should be happy about this turn of events. On the one hand, it was good for him - no one made fun of his sudden outburst, didn't think he was a crybaby and didn't try to find out why he was crying. But on the other hand, all the noise was making him frustrated because he was reminded at every turn of what had happened in the class. And he didn't want to remember!
He breathed a huge sigh of relief when, entering the Great Hall, he noticed that neither Dumbledore nor Snape were at dinner. He probably couldn't stand being in the same room with this... this... He swallowed a curse at the same moment a roar of mirth erupted from the Slytherin table. He turned around and noticed Zabini standing in the center of the table, covering his eyes with his hand and sniffing loudly. Despite the loud laughter of the students, Harry heard him pretend to sob and sniffle and say in a tearful tone:
"But I'm not a nothing, professor. I am the Chosen One. I am the Boy Who Lived. And I'm also your... student..." Several Slytherins, smiling mockingly, glanced at Harry. Something else happened, though. Something strange. Nott looked at the laughing Zabini and shook his head slightly. The Slytherin noticed this and the smile disappeared from his face. He sat down and stared at his plate. Harry noticed the anger on his face.
Yes, the Slytherins were at this lesson and saw everything carefully. And they were intelligent, and since they already had suspicions... Harry swallowed. He hoped they weren't smart enough to put it all together after all. He had never heard any innuendo from them since Malfoy's disappearance. Could it be because of the threat that hung over them if they tried? But even if he hadn't heard about it, that didn't mean they hadn't talked about it in the privacy of their dorms. Maybe they suspected him? Maybe they even knew everything already, but they couldn't show it?
Harry frowned and turned to Ron and Hermione sitting across the table. Ron was busy with his meal, but Hermione was looking exactly in the same direction as Harry. And when the boy turned his head, she looked him straight in the eye. He quickly looked down, feeling his heart speed up.
He didn't like her expression. He didn't like the way she looked at him at all. What could she be thinking? She wondered if he was normal? She thought he was disgusting? Or that it served him good and he deserved it?
What about others? After all, the Gryffindors who were in the class... Harry glanced at Seamus and Dean, who were sitting a little away, but they seemed busy eating and talking. But Lavender and Parvati immediately turned their heads, as if they had been watching him intently just a moment earlier.
Not everyone was deaf and blind. He was aware of it. And a situation when a student bursts into tears during class after the teacher says something unpleasant to him was certainly not normal. What if some people also... started to suspect something?
Harry swallowed loudly. And at that same moment, the doors of the Great Hall opened with a bang. All eyes turned towards that direction. Harry's as well.
In the entrance there was... a Slytherin girl. Harry had never seen her before. She had long, auburn hair tied in a ponytail. She wasn't tall. She looked sixteen. She looked around the Great Hall and moved forward decisively. But not towards the Slytherin table, but... the Gryffindor table. And it wasn't until she was halfway there that Harry realized she was heading straight for him. She stopped in front of him and put her hands on her hips. She looked at him with her light blue eyes for a moment, then shouted: "You're the biggest jerk I've ever met, Harry Potter! Honestly, if I knew what you were like, I would never have started dating you! Not only are you ashamed of me and you try to hide our relationship from everyone, but you also act out during classes! And why? Just because I told you a few words of truth! About how you don't mean anything to me anymore and I don't care about you! And I stand by it! We're done! If you want to get your things back, now is your only chance! After that you will never see me again!"
Harry stared at her with his mouth hanging open.
What's that supposed to mean? Who the hell was she? Were the Slytherins trying to play a prank on him? If so, it wasn't funny at all.
He looked towards the Slytherin table, but they seemed as surprised as the rest of the students. He looked at Ron and Hermione. Ron froze with noodles hanging from his mouth, and Hermione was blinking, looking from Harry to the Slytherin.
"Well, are you coming or not?" the girl exclaimed impatiently, turning towards the exit.
Even though Harry had no idea what was happening or who the mysterious newcomer was, he obediently got up from his seat and followed her, followed by the shocked and amused looks of the students and teachers.
As soon as he closed the doors of the Great Hall, he heard a commotion erupting behind them. The girl didn't stop, though. She went straight to the bathroom in the Entrance Hall. Harry followed her, his mind in complete chaos.
Once they were inside and the door slammed shut behind them, the girl turned to him, stared at him for a moment with those bright blue eyes, and then... she lunged forward and wrapped her arms around him.
"Oh, Harry. I'm so sorry."
"Uh..." Harry replied. "Who are you?" he managed to choke out after a long moment.
"Oh." The girl turned to him and smiled sadly. "I heard what happened in Potions, and how Snape treated you. And I heard some of the Ravenclaws start to wonder what that could mean... and I remembered that everyone was convinced that you had a girl in Slytherin. So I thought I'd help you. I took the Polyjuice Potion from Nymphadora and transfigured my robes into the Slytherin robes."
Harry's eyes widened. "Lu-Luna?"
"I know it's a bit not my style." She looked critically at herself in the mirror. "How can you wear your hair tied up so meticulously? And no decorations? But I had little time. She was the first girl of about the right age I met on the way to Hogsmeade. I couldn't use a real Slytherin's hair because everyone would later ask her what happened and the fraud would be exposed, and if no one knows who she is, it won't be a problem." She smiled. Luna's characteristic slightly unconscious expression looked strange on the girl's stern face."
"You scared me. I almost had a heart attack. I didn't know what was happening," Harry muttered, still unable to believe this crazy idea. Only Luna could come up with something like this.
"But now no one will suspect you of anything. You had a fight with your girlfriend, Snape scratched a fresh wound and... boom. That's how it ended up."
Harry bit his lip. The smile immediately disappeared from the girl's face.
"Harry..." she began, a little uncertainly. "He certainly doesn't think like that. When you are angry, you can say even the cruelest, most hurtful words to the person closest to you. But that doesn't mean they are true."
"It's over now," Harry muttered. He didn't feel like discussing it.
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"No, Luna, and I don't intend to!" he growled. "I won't believe a single word he says anymore. Never. He is a thing of the past. I don't want to talk about him."
The girl stared at him with her head tilted and her eyes narrowed.
"But you're in lo-"
"I don't care about Snape anymore!" Harry interrupted her in a raised voice. "He had his chance, but he lost it. Now he no longer exists for me and I don't want you to remind me of him!"
Luna didn't seem scared by this outburst. Rather sad.
"You know... I'm also often told that I imagine something that doesn't exist. But you're better at it than me, Harry."
The boy blinked. "What?"
"If you want... to talk about something. Of course, about something absolutely unrelated to you-know-who... just come find me." She smiled radiantly at him. "I have a wonderful collection of teapot warmers. I got it from Nymphadora. It's true that I don't have a teapot, but they look nice as arm warmers."
Harry nodded and turned towards the exit.
"Thanks," he said quietly. "I have to go. I-"
"-you have something important to do, I know."
He didn't look her in the eye.
"See you."
"Harry?" Hermione looked uncertainly into the dormitory. Harry was sitting on the bed with his legs curled up and his forehead resting on his knees. He came here straight after talking to Luna and was sitting like that all evening. He didn't want to see anyone. He only heard laughter and conversations coming from the Common Room. "Can we talk?" the girl asked quietly, walking inside.
Harry didn't look up. He didn't feel like talking to anyone. Least of all with her.
"If you want," he replied. He didn't know why he did it. Maybe he had enough of silence and loneliness?
The Gryffindor closed the door, pulled out her wand and cast a blocking and silencing charm on it.
Oh, so this was supposed to be that kind of conversation...
Harry liked it less and less. The last time Hermione wanted to 'talk' to him... well, it hadn't ended very pleasantly.
He heard her heavy sigh and footsteps as she walked over to the bed and sat down on it. For a moment there was only silence between them.
After a while, Hermione swallowed and said in a slightly trembling voice: "How long... you and him?"
Harry tensed and suddenly felt extremely hot. He knew she had guessed, but... it was still a shock to hear such a question straight from her mouth. It left no question. No 'what are you talking about?', 'what kind of question is that?' or 'I have no idea what you're implying.'
He licked his dry lips, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart.
Keep calm. For now, she hasn't reproached him and hasn't threatened him to tell Dumbledore about everything, like she did the last time. He didn't know why, but now that it was all over... he didn't feel so afraid that she had guessed the truth. He didn't care. That was the end anyway. He felt completely numb. Nothing mattered anymore.
"How did you guess?" he whispered hoarsely, although the answer seemed obvious.
"It took just one look on his face when you burst into tears. And on your face when he told you that you meant nothing to him. And how he reminded us of the party. It was... too personal, even for him. And I remembered what Ginny told us about the time he found you two in the closet. No normal teacher would react this way unless something... deeper was at play. But I tried to explain it to myself by saying that he always hated the Weasley family, and he hated you even more... And this show in the Great Hall... I don't know where you got this girl, but it didn't fool me." She stopped and took a deep breath, as if saying all this was extremely difficult for her. "So... for how long?"
Harry squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.
"It doesn't matter. It's over now. Forever."
He heard Hermione suck in a whoosh of air, as if she still had a tiny glimmer of hope inside her that maybe she was wrong, that maybe she had drawn the wrong conclusions, but now that Harry had answered her... that hope had faded and the realization dawned on her that it all was true…
"And I'm sorry... for everything," Harry continued in a hushed whisper. "It was because of me that he cleaned your cauldrons. I'm the reason he was so mean to you, to Ginny and... to everyone."
There was silence again. Harry could hear Hermione's heavy breathing, as if she was trying to control herself. She was obviously in so much shock that she was momentarily unable to utter a word. He sighed deeply and decided to raise his head and look at her. In her wide-open eyes he saw terror and... compassion.
"Harry... I-" she finally managed to utter. She shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she looked more composed. She pursed her lips and thought for a moment about what to say. "Why him?" she finally asked. "How did this even happen? How... how did this begin? It's just... unbelievable."
Harry gritted his teeth. How was he supposed to answer that? She reacted extremely calmly. If he suddenly found out that his best friend had been in love with, for example... - he searched his memories for an adequate comparison. - ... in Umbridge for Merlin knows how long, he would be much more shocked.
"I... I don't know," he replied quietly. "Hermione, it really doesn't matter anymore. It just happened. I'm not going to explain myself to you. The most important thing is that it's over. You don't have to be afraid."
The Gryffindor bit her lip. She stared at Harry reproachfully for a moment, but then she nodded.
"You know, Harry... you deserve someone better," she said after a moment. Her voice was shaking, but she tried to hide it." You are a good, sensitive boy and you deserve someone who will give you warmth and affection. Not someone like... him." She took a deep breath, as if saying the last word was extremely difficult for her.
"I don't want anyone else, Hermione," Harry said quietly, looking down at his lap again.
"Did he hurt you that much?"
Harry felt bitterness in his throat. He swallowed, trying to get rid of it, but it seemed impossible. It was still there. Bitter and poisonous.
He couldn't stop the wave of memories flooding over him. He remembered everything...
Every bad word, spoken in anger or plain mockery. The mockery that dripped from those thin lips, the biting insults that could cut so deep that it took him days to pull those splinters out of his heart.
Every icy look. The cold contempt in the black eyes when Snape treated him like someone... stupider, worse, clueless. Someone who will always come when called. Someone who deserves no respect. Someone not even worth spitting on...
Every lie. Every lying word said just to keep Harry from leaving. The hope Snape gave him every time he followed him, kept him from going away and pulled him back... only to punch him again later.
Every jerk on the arm, on the hair. Every push against the wall, the door, the desk, the shelves... He couldn't count all the bruises he received, all the cuts that decorated his skin...
Every punishment for disobedience. For the wrong answer. For provoking. Because he wanted to do something his own way. For being in the wrong place at the wrong time. For being Harry fucking Potter. For nothing.
Bitterness mounted up. It poured into his mouth. He was unable to answer. He simply nodded, squeezing his eyes shut as hard as he could.
"Oh, Harry..." he heard Hermione whisper softly.
He didn't need her sympathy. He didn't want her pity.
"It will pass with time," she said after a while. Her voice was still trembling. "You just have to forget about him. Snape is a cold, calculating bastard. He is a mean man who takes pleasure in humiliating others. He's always been like this and I doubt it will ever change. Someone like that can only hurt. It had to end like this. Whatever was going on between you two…" She stopped so suddenly, as if she had just realized something that made her tongue stick to the roof of her mouth. "You... you're not… with him? Are you?"
Harry lifted his head slightly, looking at her with glassy eyes. She read everything she should have read from them, and her first reaction was a strange cry of terror and covering her mouth with her hands. She looked like she was in so much shock that just thinking about what she had just learned could make her vomit. Slowly, pale as paper, she lowered her hands and choked out:
"Oh my God! Harry! You... do you know what you did? You're underage and he's... a teacher! He's twenty years older than you! He could be your father! He... seduced you! That is punishable!"
"Spare me, Hermione," Harry hissed, feeling sudden anger rising within him. "I know exactly what I did!"
"All this time... Oh god, and all the detentions you had with him!" She shook her head in disbelief. "And... when you told us you had been going to the Room of Requirement, then you also... with him?'
Harry bit his lip.
"Oh god," Hermione moaned. "I can't believe you were so-"
"What?" Harry interrupted her sharply. "Stupid? Naive? I was in love with him, Hermione! Don't you understand that I couldn't see the world beyond him? Only with him did I feel free! Only with him could I forget about what awaited me and what purpose I lived for!" He didn't know when he raised to his knees. He didn't know when he clenched his fists and raised his voice so that if it weren't for the silencing spell, he would've been heard throughout the tower. "Only when he fucked me did he show me himself! The real himself! Not Snape, but Severus! Only when he was deep in me up to his balls did he show me any feelings!' A shadow of aversion ran across Hermione's shocked face. 'Every time I went to him, all I could think about was whether this time he would lose himself, whether this time he would do something more... show something more. If this time he would stroke me, hug me, kiss me, do whatever. I lived for it. Only thanks to this... thanks to him... I was alive! So keep your morals to yourself, because now... now everything has fallen apart! There's nothing left! I'm left alone and you're fucking lecturing me! Like you don't care about my heart at all. We're talking about my heart, damn it! About my fucking heart!"
He jumped out of bed, feeling nothing but excruciating pain that had to find an outlet, because otherwise it would tear him apart from the inside. As if in a frenzy, he started running around the room, grabbing everything he could get his hands on and throwing it at the walls, at the cabinets, at the doors. Butterbeer bottles, empty goblets, wizard card collection, textbooks. He only wanted to destroy. Just as he had been destroyed all these months. Just as damaged he felt inside.
"Everything is over now! Everything!" he panted, thrashing around the dormitory like a wounded animal trying to free itself from the pain. "Loser! Fool! Moron!" He kicked the chair so hard that it hit the chest of drawers. The sound of cracking wood and objects falling from the dresser mixed with his scream. He threw himself on the bed, grabbed a pillow and started hitting the wall with it. With such force that the material tore and the air was filled with fluff flying everywhere. Finally, he abandoned the empty pillowcase and began kicking and punching the wall. Until the screaming monster in his soul calmed down and withdrew, tired.
Harry fell to his knees, breathing heavily. He felt physical pain. Very clearly. Torn fists stung, bruised feet throbbed. But this pain felt so good, compared to the other one in him...
"Harry?" Hermione's voice was hoarse. He turned his head to her, only now remembering her presence. Tears glistened on her pale face. She stood next to the bed, holding on to the column. She slowly moved towards him. She fell to her knees next to him and lunged forward, embracing him in her arms and pressing him against her with such force as if she were trying to absorb all his pain. He closed his eyes and surrendered to her desperate embrace.
He didn't know when it would happen, he didn't know if it would happen at all... but he hoped that eventually... he would get over it. That in a few days, weeks, months... he will be cured of it.
He needs to heal. He must heal if he wants to continue living.
Remember
How he told you you were stupid
How he couldn't even look at you anymore
He said you can't do anything right
Why you gotta make me so mad
Just get outta my sight
Remember that
When he wants you back and he's begging for forgivness
And that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless
Remember that
Remember
How he pushed you in the hallway
Just enough to hurt a little bit
Remember
The whiskey in his whispers
And the lies that fell so easy from his lips
He said he'll never do it again
But you can't take it back
The proof is on your skin
Remember that
It doesn't matter how he hurts you
With his hands or with his words
You don't deserve it, it ain't worth it
Take your heart and run**
Bound to your side and trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is the sex or only violence
That feeds your obsession
You send me to a broken state
Where I can take the pain
Just long enough
That I am number
That I just disappear
So go on and fight me
Go on and scare me to death
Tell me I asked for it
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love
Does it feel good to deny
Hurt me with nothing
Some sort of sick satisfaction
You get from mind fucking
Oh stripped down to my naked core
The darkest corners of my mind are yours
That's where you live
That's where you breathe
Without any faith
Without any light
Can dare me to live
Can dare me to lie
Inside I am dead
So go on and fight me
Go on and scare me to death
I'll be the victim
You'll be the voice in my head
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love
Anything but love
Anything but love***
* "Finally" by Trust Company
** "Remember that" by Jessica Simpson
*** "S.O.S. (Anything but love)" by Apocalyptica feat. Cristina Scabbia