"Are you okay?" Poppy greeted her at breakfast, her brown eyes kind and concerned.

"Yes, thank you." Hermione smiled. "I don't always have a breakdown on Halloween, you know. Last year just caught me off guard."

"It's the only time I've ever seen you lose your composure." Poppy patted her hand. "You can't blame an old woman for worrying."

"I don't, it's lovely. Thank you." Hermione smiled again and turned back to her breakfast.

Already she was worrying about the Potions Master, his absence so far this morning making her on edge. She felt some sort of abstract pain for herself, thinking of the man she loved mourning someone else, but only vaguely. It made sense to her that it would be such a difficult day for him. Unbidden, the image of his crumpled form crying helplessly in Dumbledore's office rose into her mind's eye and pain laced through her. But he knew she would be here, and he hadn't come down to breakfast, he had chosen to be by himself. For now at least, she intended to respect his wishes.

Her morning classes proved distracting enough, the 4th years had accepted her takeover from Minerva without batting an eye, but the 5th years were a little more challenging. Usually, she was a firm, but patient teacher. Today, however, she really wasn't in the mood for them testing her. She gave a single warning, then deducted 30 points from the unlucky Ravenclaw who had had the audacity to speak over her. A threat of detentions with Filch every night for the next week following that had been enough to keep them shocked and subdued for the rest of the double period.

"Neville." Hermione said quietly at lunch, her anxiety making it hard for her to eat. "I'm worried about Severus."

"Well something's certainly up with him." Neville said, eating his pie with gusto. "Two Hufflepuffs arrived at Herbology, crying because he'd been so mean to them."

"Really?" The knot in her stomach tightened. "What do you think I should do? I feel like I don't know how to handle this at all."

"Do?" Neville asked. "Why would you do anything other than stay as far away as possible?"

"Neville!" She smiled reluctantly. "We're friends, remember?

"I remember alright." He confirmed. "But I still don't think you should go anywhere near him. Do you know what's wrong?"

"I think this is a difficult time of year for him." Hermione said slowly, unwilling to reveal too much.

"Halloween?" Neville asked, frowning. "Ohhh. It's today Harry's Mum died, isn't it?"

"Yes. But he's-"

"Very private." Neville finished for her, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, do you really think I'm going to run around the school announcing it?!"

"No." Hermione said softly. "Of course not. I just feel guilty, talking about him like this."

"But you're worried."

"Yes." She confirmed. "And I don't know how to handle this."

"Is it still such a difficult day for him?" Neville asked. "Even all these years later?"

Severus' memories swirled through her mind. His Patronus bounding through Dumbledore's office. His enduring love.

"I think it will always be difficult for him." She said, keeping her emotions in check with difficulty.

"Huh." Neville said, still tucking into his lunch. "Weird bloke, isn't he?"

"Neville!"

"I said weird!" Neville said defensively. "Not bad! He just doesn't come across all sentimental, does he? And it's such a long time to be so upset. He could do with a hobby couldn't he? Or some better coping strategies at least. You can't go around making kids cry when you're having a bad day."

"Yes fair point." Hermione said dryly. "But I don't think I'll suggest that right now. Perhaps I'll make the adoption of healthier coping strategies the long term goal."

"You're a braver Gryffindor than me." Neville said appreciatively. "If you're really worried and really sure he won't kill you, why don't you go and see him after dinner? It would be a nice gesture, even if he doesn't want to see you, you know?"

"Good plan." Hermione patted his hand. "Thanks Neville."

Hermione threw herself into her classes that afternoon and chatted animatedly to Aurora at dinner, resolutely ignoring Severus' continued absence and the knot of worry in her stomach which had only increased as the day wore on. Finally, she made her way back to her rooms, giving herself a quick once over in the mirror and neatening her hair and clothes. She stared frowning at the alcohol bottles in her cupboard for several minutes, wondering whether she should bring one as a peace offering or if it was distasteful to suggest they should drink together on the anniversary of a death. Eventually she closed the door, deciding against it and fidgeting nervously by her doorway until Crookshanks lost patience and hissed at her.

"Fine!" She told him indignantly. "I'm going!"

About half way to the dungeons she uneasily remembered her promise not to return to Severus' rooms. But that had been before he knew she was returning to Hogwarts to teach. Surely he couldn't mean she wasn't allowed to go to his rooms as a colleague? Thinking about it, it was possible he had extracted that promise from her because he had ... felt something ... for her, back then, and found it unacceptable. Hermione sighed. Life would be so much easier if she was content to just overlook Severus entirely. But then, she thought, with a slight smile to herself, it also wouldn't be anywhere near as interesting.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione knocked loudly on his office door and did her best not to fidget as she waited. After what felt like an uncomfortably long time, the door was flung open and the Potions Master appeared before her, scowling. He looked paler than usual, his hair was ruffled and there were deep, dark shadows under his eyes.

"Hello." She said softly. "I missed you today."

Severus narrowed his bloodshot eyes at her, but didn't say anything, nor unceremoniously slam the door in her face, which was what she had been half expecting.

"I know today is a bad day." She continued. "I'd like to spend some time with you this evening, if you can tolerate it. If not, that's perfectly understandable, just tell me so. But I want to see you and I want you to know that I want to see you. Even on bad days."

Severus' dark eyes had been searching her face, but as she finished, he looked to the floor and his hair fell forwards and hid his expression.

"I will not be any sort of company today." He said quietly.

"That's okay." Hermione said gently, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't need anything from you. I just want to be around."

With a quick, startled glance at her face, Severus stood back and let her into his office, then led her through to his rooms. She hadn't expected this from him. He was all but telling her he was suffering, and wanted her near.

The lounge was messy, with paperwork strewn over the place, dirty mugs on the coffee table, and a large bottle of firewhiskey open on a stack of parchment. Severus flopped down onto the sofa and picked up his glass, before pausing and giving her a slightly defiant look. Then he made a copy with a casual flick of his wrist, poured some more, and handed the second glass to her, not meeting her eyes. Hermione took a sip, trying to ignore the taste and smell she so disliked, as well as keep her face neutral as the liquid burned down her throat.

"May I light the fire?" She asked. "It's cold in here."

Severus only gave a slight shrug, which she decided to take for assent, and immediately felt herself relax as the room lightened and gradually warmed. Shifting back into the sofa to get more comfortable, she sipped her drink and considered the man sitting next to her. He had let her in, with almost no protest. This was progress beyond belief, but watching his tense form, seeing his face in profile, misery evident in every line, she ached for him, for his sorrow. She wished so badly she knew how to help him.

Time slipped away, and despite her best efforts to remain quiet, eventually she spoke.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" She whispered. "Do you want to tell me about her?"

Severus gave her a startled look, anger blazing in his eyes.

"You don't have to." She quickly added. "You don't have to say a word. But if you want to talk about it, any of it, I want to listen, that's all."

"Why are you like this?" He demanded, his voice usually loud.

"Like what?" Hermione asked softly, pretending she didn't noticed that his hand trembled slightly as he topped up their drinks.

"This!" Severus said angrily. "All ... nice."

"I've never heard anyone throw so much venom into the word 'nice'." She said dryly. "I'm nice to you because I like you, Severus, is that really so hard to believe?"

"Yes!" He hissed. "Of course it is!"

"But we're friends." She replied, feeling slightly childish. "You know we're friends. You know I like spending time with you. Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"

It seemed Severus had no answer to this and they slipped back into silence. Hermione listened to the crackle of the fire, glad she was here even though she was frustrated by her inability to help the man she cared about so deeply.

Firewiskey was significantly stronger than wine and butterbeer, she decided some time later, feeling slightly befuddled though she'd only had a glass and a half. Self-consciously she put the drink back down on the table, hoping to slow herself down as she had been sipping simply to have something to occupy herself with.

"Did you see her?" Severus asked suddenly, making her jump though he had not spoken loudly. "In my memories?"

"Yes." Hermione whispered, her heart racing though she could detect no anger in Severus' voice.

"Do you ..." Severus sighed and leant forwards, his forearms resting on his thighs. "Could you ask Potter if I might have them back?"

"Your memories?" Hermione asked, aghast. "They haven't given them back to you?!"

"No." He said quietly. "I can still recall the events I gave to Potter, but without the initial memories it feels ... hollow, one dimensional. I would like to be able to access them properly again."

"Of course." Hermione nodded, though he still wasn't look at her. "I can write to Harry tonight."

"I would rather you waited until you see him in person." He said softly. "I've waited this long, I can wait a little longer."

"Okay." She agreed. "I'll see him soon though, and let you know."

Severus nodded his thanks, and Hermione expected that to be the last of it. But not long after, he finished his drink in one, refilled, and downed half of that, before sitting back against the sofa and staring into the fire.

"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" His voice was dark, hushed, mournful.

"Yes." Hermione whispered. "So beautiful."

"She was kind too." He continued. "And loyal, until I finally did something even she couldn't excuse. Though I suspect she had wanted a way out of that friendship for sometime before it actually ended. As I drew closer to the side of the war I would eventually choose, and she did the same."

Severus sighed, and Hermione sat as still and as silent as she could, afraid that any noise or movement would discourage him from continuing.

"I tried so hard to only let her see the best of me. And it still wasn't good enough. I was on such a dark path, I don't blame her for giving up on me, what I said was unforgivable... and then I betrayed her again, I brought about her death." Severus covered his mouth briefly with his hands, as though attempting to stop the words tumbling out. "I ... I wish I knew if she would have ever forgiven me, but I ... I am still so ..."

He ran his hands through his hair then buried his head in his hands.

"I am still unworthy of it. I'm still so ... so dark. So filthy!"

"Stop it!" Hermione said, unable to stay silent. "No you're not! That isn't true!"

"IT IS!" Severus shouted, his voice ragged. "Look at how I treated her son! Her own flesh and blood and I took every opportunity to ... to hurt him. I ... I wanted to stop! I wanted to be better! But he looked so like ... but her eyes! I hated him, with every fibre of my being!" Severus broke off and curled in on himself, his head almost on his knees. "I hated him."

"I know." Hermione said softly, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. "I know you did. Of course you did, Severus. He's the child of the woman you loved, identical to the man you lost her to, the man you man you hated, in every way accept-"

"Her eyes." Severus groaned. "Those eyes."

"Yes. But you still protected him. You kept him safe. You may have hated him, but you still did what was right. For her." Tears burned, unshed in her eyes.

"You ... you must think me so pathetic." Severus said miserably, though he straightened and sat upright, making her hand fall away from him.

"No." Hermione said firmly. "Not at all. Nothing about any of this is pathetic."

"I ... I carried her with me all these years." He glanced quickly at her face, his sallow cheeks pink. "Trying to atone. Trying to avenge her death. Fighting for the cause she so believed in, and coming to believe in it just as fiercely myself. And now it's over."

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"The Dark Lord is gone. My role is over. I have made amends for causing her death as much as I ever can. I still have no idea if it will ever be enough. For 17 years that's all my life revolved around. Surviving, keeping Potter safe, doing what I could to bring about the Dark Lord's downfall. For Lily." Severus broke off again, his voice raw as he put his head in his hands once again. "And now what? It never occurred to me I would survive the war. What am I supposed to do now?"

"You survived." Hermione said softly. "You've survived all this time. Now you get to live."

"To live?" Severus asked, finally turning to look at her, his dark eyes so intense it made her blush. "But what for, now?"

"Whatever you want." She smiled slightly, though she knew just what a serious conversation this was. "That's for you to figure out. But there's freedom in that, you can do what you want to do now, you can live for yourself. Not for guilt, or revenge or a cause or even a memory. For you."

Severus frowned slightly, though he didn't look angry.

"Sometimes nothing feels real." He said eventually. "Not this life, not this place, not ... not even me."

Hermione moved closer to him and took one of his pale hands in her own, squeezing it tightly.

"What about this?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "Does this feel real? Do I feel real?"

Severus tugged her hand towards him and held it over his chest with both of his own. She could feel his heart hammering, and hear hers in her ears, racing in response.

"Yes." He murmured. "You feel real."

"And so do you." She smiled gently, flexing her hand against him to make her point. "Very real."

He clutched her hand against him harder and dropped his head to look at the floor, for a moment, she thought he was going to kiss her hand, and though that moment passed, it felt like it took an age for her heart rate to slow.

"That's what you do now, Severus." She said eventually, once she was finally back in control of herself. "You figure out how to live. What you want to live for. What you want to do with your life now."

"I don't know how." He whispered.

"You're nearly as clever as me." She said dryly, hoping to lighten the mood slightly. "I'm sure you'll work it out, with time. And I'm always here to listen, or be a sounding board, or give you advice."

"I'm a fully grown man!" He said indignantly, though he made no move to pull away. "What help could you possibly offer me?! You're a mere child by comparison!"

"I'm no child." She said firmly. "You know that. Don't do me the disservice of pretending otherwise. And compared to you, I've had a pretty easy time of it, is it really so impossible that I would know more about enjoying life than you? And besides, I'm not saying that I have all the answers, only that you don't have to figure everything out on your own anymore."

"I will hurt you." Severus said quietly. "Sooner or later I will hurt you again. I can't help myself. You shouldn't be around that."

"I believe you can learn not to lash out." Hermione said softly. "I believe you're capable of telling me when you're feeling overwhelmed or angry or upset and telling me to give you space or how to help you regulate yourself. Maybe not right now, but I think you can learn. I think you already are, Severus. Like when you tell me not to talk to you, that's when you're struggling and you don't want me to accidentally trigger you, isn't it? You're already taking steps to protect me."

"To protect you from me!" He said raggedly. "You shouldn't be around someone you need protection from!"

Though he was close to shouting, his grip on her hand tightened and he pulled her slightly closer to him, as if afraid she would agree with him and leave.

"I believe in you." She said. "And everyone is capable of causing others pain, particularly when they've been through trauma. Let's just take it all one step at a time, okay? One day at a time."

"Okay." He agreed, sounding exhausted.

They sat in silence for a time, still her hand rested over his heart, still their bodies close.

"She loved strawberry ice-cream. It was her favourite." He said finally. "And swings. She loved digestive biscuits and lemonade and muggle bands. She loved running and making daisy chains. She loved Potions and Charms and feeding chocolate frogs to the giant squid. She loved tucking her wand behind her ear, even though she was always getting in trouble for it, or being teased. She loved rose perfume, and pumpkin juice, and watching Quidditch. And she never ... she never loved me."

I love you. Hermione wanted to say, the words feeling hot and tight in her throat. She might not have loved you, but I do. But it wasn't about her right now. And in all likelihood, Severus had never had anyone to do this with before. He had never had someone to sit with him and listen to his memories of a girl who had meant everything to him.

"I wonder what she would have done with her life, what she would have become, if she had lived. If only I hadn't overheard, if only I hadn't gone to the Dark Lord. If she'd despised me until the end of time, at least she would have been out there, existing. I think about her all the time." Severus sighed. "But I think ... I think I need to let her go."

"You don't have to let her go completely." Hermione said softly. "Would you even be able to, after all this time? I think she'll always be with you. But I think you need to stop torturing yourself with her memory. Guilt and regret and shame won't do you any good now, you've given your life to making amends. Don't you think you've suffered enough?"

"I as good as killed her-"

"Severus!" Hermione interrupted. "Pettigrew betrayed her to the Dark Lord. And he was the one who killed her. She had already defied the Dark Lord 3 times when you gave him the prophecy, she would have already been a target. I'm not saying what you did was good, because it really wasn't. But you are not solely responsible for her death. Not by a long way."

"And that makes it okay?!"

"No. That's not what I'm saying." She said. "I'm saying I agree with you, you need to let some of that go, but that's not the same as forgetting entirely, or minimising how important she is to you."

"You're insufferable." Severus sighed, his voice uncharacteristically warm. "You really are."

"You're just saying that because I'm so clever and wise." Hermione smiled. "You like me really."

Perhaps emboldened by alcohol, or by how unusually talkative Severus had been, Hermione lifted her free hand and pushed Severus' black hair back off his face, bringing her hand to rest against his cheek. His obsidian eyes fluttered closed, and just briefly he leant into her touch, before pulling away and dropping his head.

This time, silence settled indefinitely, and eventually, Severus let her hand go and leant back against the sofa.

Later, lying in bed, Hermione reflected on the evening, as tears fell silently from the corners of her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She had wanted to stay on that sofa with him all night, but at some point, in the early hours, Severus had stood, and announced he was walking her back to her rooms. She had wanted to protest, had wanted to tell him she was staying with him no matter what, but something about his demeanour had told her he had reached his limit. And really, given how much he had opened up to her, that was allowed.

"You'll get some sleep tonight, won't you?" She'd asked as they'd walked slowly away from the dungeons. "You'll walk me to my rooms and then go to bed?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Hermione had nodded, hating how closed off he had become, even though she'd understood he was probably only trying to restore his equilibrium.

"Goodnight then." She'd said, when they'd reached her door and he'd stepped away. "Thank you for this evening."

"You're thanking me?" He'd asked incredulously, his eyes wide and confused.

"Yes." She'd said firmly. "I like spending time with you, and I really appreciate you talking to me."

Severus has stared at her intently for what felt like and age before he frowned and finally spoke.

"I can't understand it." He'd said quietly. "I can detect no trace of dishonesty from you ... but I just can't understand it."

"I like you and value you as a person Severus." She'd said firmly. "You'll get used to it."

"Value me..." He'd said quietly, as if testing how the words sounded, before the smallest of smiles played around his thin lips. Then he'd reached forward and touched her arm, just for a second, before turning and disappearing back down the corridor.

Hermione swiped the tears away and turned onto her side, pulling Crookshanks into a hug. He really was such a damaged person. And yet ... and yet there was still so much good in him, and so much desire to do better. It had hurt her, in a way, to hear of his grief and his devotion to Lily, but it was a part of him, and if she was going to pursue a relationship with him, whenever that may be, she needed to be able to accept all of him, this included. And he had talked about it in the past tense, it had almost seemed as if he was saying that carrying her with him so closely had served its purpose and now he needed something more. It seemed Ginny had been right again; now they had actually discussed Lily, his love for her didn't seem such an insurmountable obstacle. And he ... he had been so vulnerable, and let her see it. This was honour above honours and she needed to see it as it was. There were still so many barriers between them, yet they were lifting, little by little.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?"

Millie Bright's pale face glared at Hermione. In classes so far, the Slytherin had been polite but kept her head down and barely even looked Hermione in the eye.

"Yes." Hermione paused. "Your homework."

"What about it?" There was already a note of defiance in her voice.

"Were you pleased with it?"

"It's fine." Millie glared harder. "Maybe not my best work, but it's fine."

"It's barely acceptable." Hermione kept her voice soft and her tone even. "Would you like to redo it?"

"Just give me detention!" Mille snapped, turning to leave.

"Miss Bright." Hermione said sharply, waiting for the girl to turn back to her. "Your homework up until this point has been excellent. It's been thoughtful, well planned and well written. I'm not having a go at you, I'm asking if you would like the chance to redo it so this one blip doesn't pull down your overall grade." She gave the girl a wry smile. "I was trying to be nice."

Mille sighed and the confrontational aura around her seemed to fade.

"Yes please." She said quietly. "I can give it back to you before the end of the week."

"Perfect." Hermione handed the offending parchment back to her. "Is there any particular reason this one wasn't up to your usual standards?"

"Anniversary of my Mum's death last week." Mille said gruffly, not meeting her eyes.

"Ah." Hermione said softly. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thanks." Mille had stored her homework in her bag and was already at the door, ready to leave.

"Miss Bright." Hermione could practically feel the girl roll her eyes. "Look after yourself, okay?"

The Slytherin only nodded as she left, barely bothering to acknowledge Hermione at all. For whatever reason, she still felt some sort of pull towards the girl, even though she had made it so abundantly clear she didn't want any sort of connection with her. She knew from the other teachers that her grades were very good, across the board, but she did seem to have a talent for Transfiguration. Draco had obviously done well with her, even if she still was standoffish and difficult.

"It was the anniversary of Miss Bright's Mother's death last week." Hermione said softly to Severus at dinner that evening. In the days since Halloween he had been ... sort of shy around her, but he didn't seem to be withdrawing, which she was taking as a positive. For her part, she was simply trying to be completely normal, so he knew he could open up without anything changing.

"I know." Severus answered, scowling. "I'm her Head of House."

"Oh." Hermione frowned. "I didn't know if she would have brought it up with you."

"I've been aware of the dates of both of her parents' deaths since she started at Hogwarts." Severus said quietly. "We talked about it last week. She's alright, all things considered."

"Yes." Hermione agreed, taking a moment to enjoy her pork chops.

"I ... I am surprised she said anything about it to you." Severus said, a hint of a question in his velvet voice.

"I asked." Hermione said, smiling slightly. "Her homework wasn't up to its usual standards."

"Heaven forbid." Severus smirked. "You're a menace."

"A menace?!" Hermione asked indignantly. "For noticing when one of my students is off their game?! That makes me a good teacher, surely?!"

"It makes you a bloody nosey one." Severus' face was neutral. "Get a life."

"A life?!" Hermione spluttered, outraged. "Get a life?! That's bloody rich coming from you! You barely-"

But she cut herself off when Severus started laughing, the dark, rich sound rushing over her and filling her with pleasure, and she couldn't help but smile warmly at him as he pulled himself together and looked back at her.

"They're all staring, aren't they?" He asked, his face already beginning to darken.

"Yes." Hermione said mildly, then she leant around him to face the rest of the Faculty. "Shove off."

The shocked faces of the rest of the staff nearly made her laugh as they quickly turned back to their meals or to each other. When she looked back at Severus, he was smiling at her, though clearly trying his best not to.

"You. Are. A. Menace." He said.

"Maybe I am." She winked, feeling herself go bright red as Severus' eyes widened before he quickly looked down. Flirting was so not her forte.

"You said you needed to talk." Harry's familiar face broke into a sheepish smile. "Am I in trouble?"

It was the first Friday of the month and the strays were coming round later for a pizza night. She had owled Harry in advance and arranged to meet him beforehand.

"No you're not in trouble." Hermione said, smiling. She had become so close to Ginny since the war, but this man before her would always be painfully precious to her. "I need to ask you a favour, actually."

"Oh." Harry leant back in his chair and cocked his head to one side. "Ask away."

"Severus wasn't given his memories back after his trial." She said slowly, watching her friends' face carefully. "He still doesn't have them, and he'd like them back. Do you think you could make very careful, very private enquiries about getting them?"

"Of course." Harry said. "Memories are usually only used as legal evidence in exceptional circumstances, I don't think they're often given back at all. But I will ask around, I reckon as long as copies are kept on file it should be okay."

"Don't just ask around." Hermione said sharply. "You know how private Severus is, he-"

"I didn't mean I'd just go running about asking anyone!" Harry said crossly. "I'll ask people I trust!"

"Okay." Hermione placated. "I'm sorry. I just know it must have cost Severus a lot to even ask me. I hate the idea of him regretting it."

Harry looked at her, his green eyes piercing.

"Are we going to talk about this, Hermione?"

"Talk about what?"

"Really?!" Harry said, looking genuinely angry. "You're really going to act like this? We're best friends. Come on!"

"Okay." Hermione sighed, feeling guilty. "It's just hard for me to talk about, that's all. What if you ask me questions and I answer them, as best I can?"

"Deal." Harry smiled. "So Snape asked you for his memories back? How did that come about?"

"I was aware he finds Halloween difficult." Hermione said slowly. "I went to see him after dinner, and he told me he doesn't have the original memories, so his recollections feel hollow to him. He asked me to see if you would be able to get them."

"Was he ... was he upset?"

"Yes, Harry." Hermione said, hiding her frustration with difficulty. "And I won't be sharing details, you wouldn't want me talking about you behind your back, would you?"

"No." Harry said quietly. "It's just so ... like I can't get my head around it. I can't imagine him ..."

"I know." She said softly. "But he is just a person underneath, same as us."

"Not quite the same." Harry smiled, but he looked sad. "He still loves her then, my Mum?"

"Yes. I think he always will, in one way or another."

"You're friends with him." It hadn't been posed as a question, but Hermione nodded. "Does he ... does he ever talk to you, about her?"

"Harry..."

"Please, Hermione." Harry said earnestly. "Everyone that knew her, that really knew her, is gone now. Please."

Hermione sighed and rubbed her hands over her face.

"She liked digestives, and lemonade and daisy chains and running and pumpkin juice and Quidditch and feeding chocolate frogs to the giant squid." Hot, irrational tears burned behind Hermione's eyes. "And she used to tuck her wand behind her ear."

"Did she?!" Harry asked, painfully enthusiastic. "I like digestives and pumpkin juice! And chocolate frogs. I never fed any to the giant squid though. You wouldn't think that would be good for him, would you?"

"Well he seems to have survived the experience." Hermione said, trying for a smile. "Strawberry ice-cream was her favourite."

"It's my favourite too!"

"Raspberry is your favourite, Harry."

"Oh yeah." Harry frowned. "They're very similar though.

"Yes." Something under Hermione's sternum ached. Harry was so desperate to feel connected to the parents he never knew, and Severus was perhaps the only way left for him to do so. If only it wasn't so painful for Severus.

"What else?"

"He said she was kind, and loyal, and so beautiful." Hermione swallowed hard. "But that was pretty much it. He's only talked to me about her once, and I didn't probe him, I just let him talk."

"Do you think if I asked, he would-"

"No." Hermione said firmly. "I'm sorry, Harry, but no. It's all so difficult and raw and painful for him. Please don't ask him to go there. He will most likely ignore you which will only upset you, or he'll damage himself even further. Please don't ask him."

"Is he ... is he really that much of a mess?"

"Yes. Think about it. Think of everything he's been through. Losing Lily as a friend, joining the Death Eaters, giving the prophecy to Voldemort, betraying him and joining the Order, Lily dying. He went to Azkaban for a few weeks after the first war as well, I saw it in his records at his trial. Can you imagine what the Dementors did to him? And then you come along, the spitting image of his childhood tormentor, but with the eyes of the woman he's spent his whole life loving, can you imagine how that must have felt?! Then all those brushes with Voldemort, trying to keep you safe, he must have been riddled with dread and anxiety. Then Voldemort returns, and he goes back to him as a Spy, risking his life, every day. Then he has to kill Dumbledore, the closest thing he has to a friend. He has to take over the school, trying to keep everyone safe while looking to all the world like a good and loyal Death Eater. That's not even going into all the things he will have had to endure as a spy. Then add to that the fact that he's had to deal with everything completely and utterly alone. It's a miracle he's an even vaguely functional human being! I get you want to know about your parents, I really do. But he's just not in a place where that's manageable for him, do you understand that?"

"Yeah." Harry was staring at her, something hard in his expression. "You really like him, don't you?"

"Yes. I really do." In for a penny. "I love him, Harry."

"Yeah." Harry chewed on his bottom lip, mirroring a habit she had picked up in second year and managed to kick in sixth year. "Yeah I thought it was something like this."

"Really?" Hermione fiddled with the hem of her skirt. "Are you mad at me?"

"Am I mad at you for falling in love?" Harry asked incredulously. "Of course not! I just... It's just... He's Snape, Hermione!"

"Yes, I am aware of that."

"It's more like ... like my mind is exploding." Harry grimaced suddenly. "And it's a bit gross. He's pretty old, you know that right?"

"Yes Harry." Hermione rolled her eyes. "But he's not that old, not really, and when you think of how long wizards live it hardly matters. When he's 130 and I'm 110 no one would bat an eye, would they?"

"I guess." Harry shuddered slightly. "It's still a bit gross though. And he's not exactly a Lockheart is he? Greasy hair, yellow teeth, big old nose!"

"I was 12! And those things aren't important to me-"

"No." Harry interrupted. "You're right, those things have never mattered to you. Look at Krum, the guy looked like bad tempered Hawk."

"Harry!"

Harry grinned suddenly, looking like the little boy she had met on the train and a fully grown man she hardly recognised all at once.

"Listen," he smiled. "I don't get it, looks wise. But Snape has my respect and gratitude, more so than anyone else. He's a hell of a guy, a hero. I wish you could have fallen in love with someone a bit less ... you know ... fucked up and scary. But somehow the two of you kind of makes sense, actually." Harry screwed up his face. "As long as I don't think about it for too long. Ew."

"Harry!" Hermione laughed, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders with her friend's easy acceptance.

"Do you think he likes you as well?" Harry asked. "Or is this a tragic, one way thing?"

"I think he feels something for me." Hermione said cautiously. "I'm not sure exactly what, yet. Or where it will go, if anywhere at all. But I think there's potential."

"Bloody hell."

"Yeah."

"How the hell did this happen?"

"It happened slowly." She smiled. "Very, very slowly. I didn't even really notice it creeping up on me."

"Do you... and I don't mean this horribly..." Harry sighed. "Do you know him well enough to love him? Like do you actually talk to him and know about him and stuff or ... or do you just love the idea of him? If that makes any sense?"

"You're such a grown up now." She said. "It takes me off guard."

"What, because I'm not throwing a fit and refusing to speak to you?" Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm not 14 anymore. And we've been through too much, too much has happened."

"Because we've having a serious conversation about feelings and love and knowing someone! It's very grown up of us. That's all."

"We are grown ups, Hermione." Harry grinned. "Stop dodging the question."

"I'm not!" Hermione laughed. "And I don't know him particularly well, yet. But I get the impression I know him better than ... well possibly anyone, at least at the minute. He's still completely estranged from the rest of the staff. And I know him well enough to know what I feel is real and based on who he really is."

"Blimey." Harry sighed. "Well good luck to you I guess. Be careful though, won't you? Don't go rushing into anything or getting yourself hurt. Snape sounds like a wreck."

"Yeah." Hermione smiled. "He is. But I'm just taking things one step at a time. There's no rush."

"Bloody hell."

"What?"

"Your face."

"What about it?"

"It's all..." Harry gesticulated. "You're all in love! It's so weird."

"Harry!"

"It is!" Harry ran his hands through his already messy hair. "This is serious for you."

"Of course it is?! Have you only just joined this conversation?!"

"Yes okay good point." Harry laughed. "I've just never seen your face do that before. Like ever. Not even with Ron. Snape's going to end up being my brother-in-law!"

"You and Ginny are so well suited."

"What?!"

"Nothing." Hermione said. "One step at a time remember? At the minute we're only friends. New friends."

"With potential."

"Yes." Hermione smiled at the table. "With potential."

"Your face is doing it again."

"Harry!"

"Okay." Ginny said matter-of-factly. "What's the verdict?"

"Pizza fresh in Italy is better."

"Draco, do you hear yourself?"

"Yes, okay Weasley." Draco sighed theatrically. "I'm an arse."

"You sure are." Ginny grinned. "Everyone else?"

"Fantastic." Said Neville and Hannah in unison.

"Soooo good!" Lavender beamed.

"Exactly. Muggles really know a thing or two about fast food."

"Fast food?" Neville asked. "Why is it fast?"

"It's just what muggles call it because it's prepared and served so quickly." Hermione smiled. "Takeaways are almost always fast food."

"It's so convenient." Hannah said. "I've started grabbing a muggle takeaway now and again after a particularly intense shift. SO much quicker and easier than going out for dinner or having to make it yourself. And it's very reasonable. Or I think it is, I'm still getting used to muggle currency."

"Watch how much you eat of it though, Han." Lavender said seriously. "It's not good for your waistline or your skin."

"Only if you have a lot of it." Hermione countered. "Now and again is fine. And we don't have to worry quite so much about putting on weight because we use so much energy doing magic."

"How is work, Hannah?" Ginny asked.

"It's amazing." Hannah beamed. "I'm learning so much. And we see the craziest things! Just this week a baby was brought in by his parents, he'd had a burst of uncontrolled magic when he was angry and set his big brother on fire. It wouldn't go out, took 4 of us to sort him out."

"That sounds awful!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Yeah." Hannah said. "But so interesting. That baby had basically invented a new type of fire."

"I don't suppose you can pass on their details, can you?" Lavender asked.

"No, sorry Lavender." Hannah smiled wryly. "It will have to stay a mystery. We're bound by confidentially charms."

"Shame." Lavender sighed. "I might start looking into baby magic once I can take on my own projects, they're capable of all sorts of bonkers things before they start understanding the magical laws and norms."

"What are you working on at the minute?" Ginny asked.

"Nice try." Said Lavender as Ginny laughed. "But I'm very happy."

"That's what's important." Hermione smiled.

"And I hear you're seeing someone."

"Draco!" Lavender spluttered. "How did you know?!"

"I know everything." Draco smirked.

"Lavender?!" Hannah shouted. "You've not said a word!"

"Tell us everything!" Neville said laughing. "You've got no choice now."

"And I'll be sure to write it all down so I can send a letter to Luna updating her." Ginny added.

"Where is Luna now?" Lavender asked.

"Michigan." Ginny answered. "You're not distracting any of us. Spill!"

"Fine!" Lavender sighed, though she was smiling. "It's someone from the Department, I'm not sure you'd know her."

"HER?!" A chorus of voices asked.

"Yes HER." Lavender rolled her eyes. "It's 1999, it's not a big deal."

"We know it's not a big deal." Said Ginny indignantly. "We just didn't know you liked girls."

"Neither did I, to be fair." Lavender smiled. "But apparently I do. Or I like this girl anyway."

"Tell us about her." Hermione said.

"Her name's Melanie. She was a Sixth year when we started Hogwarts, a Ravenclaw. She's the nicest person I've ever met. But it's super early days. We've only just disclosed it to the Department."

"Did they mind?" Hannah asked.

"Not really. As long as we work hard they don't really care what else we do."

"You're quite serious about her though, aren't you?" Ginny asked.

"What makes you say that?" Lavender asked, blushing.

"You've got that 'I'm so in love' smile." Ginny said knowingly. "I'd recognise it anywhere."

"Yes!" Draco exclaimed. "It's so obvious when someone has feelings, isn't it?"

He gave Hermione a pointed look, which she ignored.

"It's a bit early days for love stuff." Lavender said, smiling. "But I do really like her."

"We can tell."

Thank you for your patience while I caught back up! And thank you so much for your lovely responses to the bonus chapter, I was so excited to share it. I'll try to stick to updating every other week again now :)